BAILAMOS
three dances for the evening.
that's all.
and that's enough to get me smiling =)
thank you salsa baby.
Friday, December 31, 2004
Thursday, December 30, 2004
FROM A DISTANCE
i can't even remember the last time i watched sex and the city.
before today, that is.
the marathon probably perpetuated the lethargy but heck...i damn well needed it.
there seemed to be an awful lotta quotable quotes from carrie bradshaw season six. part one.
one being:
do we need distance to get close?
i've been hearing of couples taking breaks from one another, hoping that the short time apart could help them realize what they want.
well honey, if you can figure out what you REALLY want in a week, then good for you.
chances are, you'll either 1) head back into the relationship because the level of comfort instills a false sense of belonging; or 2) break up with the fella in the interim simply because you don't know why you're taking the break in the first place.
of course, there could be other possibilities, but these are the two i've seen of late.
flying gave me a hell lotta space.
sure...it was tough having a full-blown cry just before going on a flight and pretending everything's rosy-posey, but once you're outta the country, you've got SPACE.
and if it's a trans-atlantic flight, you've got TIME as well.
foreign air and isolation can do a lotta things to a person. good things, for me.
like a scene straight outta a movie, i'd be walking along fifth avenue and smiling to myself.
i'd head back home refreshed and somewhat more clear-headed.
plus, being away from home also meant that people would think twice about giving you grief because they see you less often.
or perhaps they just don't have that much time to give you grief. hmm.
i see many many trips to my favorite place in singapore in the horizon.
let's just hope bach grows on me after a while. yuck.
i can't even remember the last time i watched sex and the city.
before today, that is.
the marathon probably perpetuated the lethargy but heck...i damn well needed it.
there seemed to be an awful lotta quotable quotes from carrie bradshaw season six. part one.
one being:
do we need distance to get close?
i've been hearing of couples taking breaks from one another, hoping that the short time apart could help them realize what they want.
well honey, if you can figure out what you REALLY want in a week, then good for you.
chances are, you'll either 1) head back into the relationship because the level of comfort instills a false sense of belonging; or 2) break up with the fella in the interim simply because you don't know why you're taking the break in the first place.
of course, there could be other possibilities, but these are the two i've seen of late.
flying gave me a hell lotta space.
sure...it was tough having a full-blown cry just before going on a flight and pretending everything's rosy-posey, but once you're outta the country, you've got SPACE.
and if it's a trans-atlantic flight, you've got TIME as well.
foreign air and isolation can do a lotta things to a person. good things, for me.
like a scene straight outta a movie, i'd be walking along fifth avenue and smiling to myself.
i'd head back home refreshed and somewhat more clear-headed.
plus, being away from home also meant that people would think twice about giving you grief because they see you less often.
or perhaps they just don't have that much time to give you grief. hmm.
i see many many trips to my favorite place in singapore in the horizon.
let's just hope bach grows on me after a while. yuck.
DOS GARDENIAS
...para ti.
con ellas quiero decir.
te quiero, te adoro, mi vida.
i mourn for the entry i have just removed.
but this event will stay deeply etched in my heart, for this is the FIRST TIME i have been obligated to do so.
taking down that entry went against every de-oxygenated blood carrying vessel in me.
but i HAD TO. because they insinuated just that strongly that i HAD TO.
i weep for those who think i'm warped.
i'm am a living, breathing human being.
i cry sometimes, when rain falls upon my skin. because i can feel it. because i am alive.
I AM ALIVE.
it sure is liberating...saying it out loud.
when people get so focused on a certain something, they simply refuse to see things any other way.
now i tend to provide a flip side to everything. there's no good or bad, just a flip side.
i get irked when people then start their responses with "but you can't look at it this way..."
why can't i?
if you can see it one way, why can't i see it the other?
is it that wrong of me to see it this way, and not the other?
and then they'll say "look...you are getting this all wrong..."
thank you for, time and again, telling me that i am wrong.
and so, i weep for those who claim to understand me but refuse to accept the way i think.
and...
i hold a moment's silence for myself.
for not being able to take care of myself...again.
can the words "selfish" and "love" be in the same sentence?
as in...how can it not be selfish to ask for love?
you are asking me to love you...being fully aware that i am in no state to do so right now (because i told you). you must know that deep down, i still possess that kinda love. now's just not the time for me to express it.
so knowing how much pain i'm in, you're openly asking me to love you.
i tell you i can't.
you tell me to love you, again.
i said "let me be selfish for this once so i can take care of myself first".
you, again, TELL me to love you.
so i posed this question to you...
"isn't it selfish of you now, knowing that my wellbeing is at stake, and still literally forcing me to do something i'm incapable of doing right now?"
and you said...
"but asking for love is not selfish."
why isn't it?
after all, you ARE asking for something. something that you know is hard for me to produce at this point.
if you are forcing it out of me, aren't you thinking of yourself still? you want me to say "yes, i will love you" because it will, essentially, make you feel better.
HOW IS ASKING SOMEONE, WHO IS INCAPABLE OF GIVING THAT PART OF HER, FOR LOVE NOT A SELFISH ACT?
you think "selfish" is an ugly word.
let me be ugly then. call me whatever you want to. just let me be for a while.
i lay down two gardenias for my reality.
i am sorry for the people who discount you.
...para ti.
con ellas quiero decir.
te quiero, te adoro, mi vida.
i mourn for the entry i have just removed.
but this event will stay deeply etched in my heart, for this is the FIRST TIME i have been obligated to do so.
taking down that entry went against every de-oxygenated blood carrying vessel in me.
but i HAD TO. because they insinuated just that strongly that i HAD TO.
i weep for those who think i'm warped.
i'm am a living, breathing human being.
i cry sometimes, when rain falls upon my skin. because i can feel it. because i am alive.
I AM ALIVE.
it sure is liberating...saying it out loud.
when people get so focused on a certain something, they simply refuse to see things any other way.
now i tend to provide a flip side to everything. there's no good or bad, just a flip side.
i get irked when people then start their responses with "but you can't look at it this way..."
why can't i?
if you can see it one way, why can't i see it the other?
is it that wrong of me to see it this way, and not the other?
and then they'll say "look...you are getting this all wrong..."
thank you for, time and again, telling me that i am wrong.
and so, i weep for those who claim to understand me but refuse to accept the way i think.
and...
i hold a moment's silence for myself.
for not being able to take care of myself...again.
can the words "selfish" and "love" be in the same sentence?
as in...how can it not be selfish to ask for love?
you are asking me to love you...being fully aware that i am in no state to do so right now (because i told you). you must know that deep down, i still possess that kinda love. now's just not the time for me to express it.
so knowing how much pain i'm in, you're openly asking me to love you.
i tell you i can't.
you tell me to love you, again.
i said "let me be selfish for this once so i can take care of myself first".
you, again, TELL me to love you.
so i posed this question to you...
"isn't it selfish of you now, knowing that my wellbeing is at stake, and still literally forcing me to do something i'm incapable of doing right now?"
and you said...
"but asking for love is not selfish."
why isn't it?
after all, you ARE asking for something. something that you know is hard for me to produce at this point.
if you are forcing it out of me, aren't you thinking of yourself still? you want me to say "yes, i will love you" because it will, essentially, make you feel better.
HOW IS ASKING SOMEONE, WHO IS INCAPABLE OF GIVING THAT PART OF HER, FOR LOVE NOT A SELFISH ACT?
you think "selfish" is an ugly word.
let me be ugly then. call me whatever you want to. just let me be for a while.
i lay down two gardenias for my reality.
i am sorry for the people who discount you.
Wednesday, December 29, 2004
SILENCIO
esta muriendo.
that is, without a doubt, the most beautiful thing.
silence is.
in absence of him, i want to hear mel torme, dave brubeck, eva cassidy.
i wonder if it takes true self-awareness to be at peace with him.
he is not an external environment. he exists within me.
i remember the recent evening when the noise of the world just died down...leaving just us two to enjoy each other's presence.
i closed my eyes and allowed him to caress my cheek. i breathed in his musky scent. i gave in to him totally.
it was 10 minutes of sheer bliss.
han lim asked if i was at peace. and i said, "oddly, yes."
since christmas eve, he has made fleeting appearances...never staying long enough for me to savor him entirely. just always reminding me that he is right around the corner.
it's a blessing to be so honest with myself. but yes, it gets a little hard at times.
with silencio, i get by a little easier.
people who do not see our strong connection do not realize how important spending time with him is.
i don't blame them really.
modern living has created such noise in our lives that it has become our reality. and when silencio visits, he becomes a disturbance rather than a welcomed presence.
and so, i am deemed "unique" because i embrace him.
i get thrown off when people bust in, while i'm having a quiet conversation with him. but because i am aware of my reality, and theirs, i do not berate them for doing so.
i can only hope that one day, these people will learn to appreciate that my reality is, essentially, as real as theirs.
i hope that when they do realize that, they would allow us to finish our chat before bursting in.
please try not to judge me.
but if you must, at least enter my reality before you do.
esta muriendo.
that is, without a doubt, the most beautiful thing.
silence is.
in absence of him, i want to hear mel torme, dave brubeck, eva cassidy.
i wonder if it takes true self-awareness to be at peace with him.
he is not an external environment. he exists within me.
i remember the recent evening when the noise of the world just died down...leaving just us two to enjoy each other's presence.
i closed my eyes and allowed him to caress my cheek. i breathed in his musky scent. i gave in to him totally.
it was 10 minutes of sheer bliss.
han lim asked if i was at peace. and i said, "oddly, yes."
since christmas eve, he has made fleeting appearances...never staying long enough for me to savor him entirely. just always reminding me that he is right around the corner.
it's a blessing to be so honest with myself. but yes, it gets a little hard at times.
with silencio, i get by a little easier.
people who do not see our strong connection do not realize how important spending time with him is.
i don't blame them really.
modern living has created such noise in our lives that it has become our reality. and when silencio visits, he becomes a disturbance rather than a welcomed presence.
and so, i am deemed "unique" because i embrace him.
i get thrown off when people bust in, while i'm having a quiet conversation with him. but because i am aware of my reality, and theirs, i do not berate them for doing so.
i can only hope that one day, these people will learn to appreciate that my reality is, essentially, as real as theirs.
i hope that when they do realize that, they would allow us to finish our chat before bursting in.
please try not to judge me.
but if you must, at least enter my reality before you do.
ON THE LINE
a new visitor to the blog is afraid that i'm getting myself into trouble by all my writing.
let's see...isn't that topic passe?
am i defaming anyone? no.
do i mean to hurt anyone? no.
am i in danger of having someone take advantage of me through this priviledged information? unfortunately, yes.
and i'm still willing to take the risk. because i'd like to think the people around me have no malicious intent. period.
but i'm not naive, or stupid...if you haven't realized that already.
(note that in the last two paragraphs, i have highlighted my optimism and street-wisdom.)
the above note is for the people who DO NOT understand my writing.
so i'm angsty. big deal.
is it so wrong for a 23-year-old female to whine about her life without actually whining about it?
shouldn't the world thank it's lucky stars for one less druggie and alcoholic, and for one young person full of conviction in life?
my writing is all about my life. and my adventures. and that's all there is to it.
if reading it, for some reason, scares the shit outta you, you know the way out. and there's no need to pay me lip service, thank you.
(as if that isn't a disclaimer enough.)
ultimately, my blog is really not an interesting read for the people who don't know me.
plus, there're only about five people who read this...regularly.
someone recently told me that i only want to surround myself with strong characters and cast the weak ones aside.
now, if that were true, i would've cast that someone away a long long time ago.
BUT HAVE I?
HAVE I?
a new visitor to the blog is afraid that i'm getting myself into trouble by all my writing.
let's see...isn't that topic passe?
am i defaming anyone? no.
do i mean to hurt anyone? no.
am i in danger of having someone take advantage of me through this priviledged information? unfortunately, yes.
and i'm still willing to take the risk. because i'd like to think the people around me have no malicious intent. period.
but i'm not naive, or stupid...if you haven't realized that already.
(note that in the last two paragraphs, i have highlighted my optimism and street-wisdom.)
the above note is for the people who DO NOT understand my writing.
so i'm angsty. big deal.
is it so wrong for a 23-year-old female to whine about her life without actually whining about it?
shouldn't the world thank it's lucky stars for one less druggie and alcoholic, and for one young person full of conviction in life?
my writing is all about my life. and my adventures. and that's all there is to it.
if reading it, for some reason, scares the shit outta you, you know the way out. and there's no need to pay me lip service, thank you.
(as if that isn't a disclaimer enough.)
ultimately, my blog is really not an interesting read for the people who don't know me.
plus, there're only about five people who read this...regularly.
someone recently told me that i only want to surround myself with strong characters and cast the weak ones aside.
now, if that were true, i would've cast that someone away a long long time ago.
BUT HAVE I?
HAVE I?
IT'S MY LIFE
...and it ain't sanitized.
has a nice ring to it, no?
(jac was talking about naughty jokes in the office and how someone has this "holier than thou" attitude towards that kinda thing...BAH. bring on the laughter people!)
jac and i had a fantastic dinner at jerry's.
her first alcohol-free night for a long time coming. and i'm glad to be contributing to that...though i'm not so sure she appreciated me sharing that strawberries and cream crepe with her after. haha.
with jac, everything just seems so familiar. we haven't actually sat down and spoken to each other like that for nine months.
this was the first time we sat down alone, and talked. and boy, did we talk.
we're at different stages of our lives and we live very differently. but we seemed to have converged at the point of...you know what? i don't even know how to describe it.
we can relate to each other, that's all. and it's not like we've gone through the same things.
i suppose we've been pre-judged by people way too many times to know that we shouldn't be judging each other.
i'm glad she's moving on with her life now.
and i know she knows i'm doing good.
even if she didn't say anything. =)
...and it ain't sanitized.
has a nice ring to it, no?
(jac was talking about naughty jokes in the office and how someone has this "holier than thou" attitude towards that kinda thing...BAH. bring on the laughter people!)
jac and i had a fantastic dinner at jerry's.
her first alcohol-free night for a long time coming. and i'm glad to be contributing to that...though i'm not so sure she appreciated me sharing that strawberries and cream crepe with her after. haha.
with jac, everything just seems so familiar. we haven't actually sat down and spoken to each other like that for nine months.
this was the first time we sat down alone, and talked. and boy, did we talk.
we're at different stages of our lives and we live very differently. but we seemed to have converged at the point of...you know what? i don't even know how to describe it.
we can relate to each other, that's all. and it's not like we've gone through the same things.
i suppose we've been pre-judged by people way too many times to know that we shouldn't be judging each other.
i'm glad she's moving on with her life now.
and i know she knows i'm doing good.
even if she didn't say anything. =)
Monday, December 27, 2004
SUNSHINE
"maybe we could spend some time, i can be your sunshine"
little romeo sent me home today =)
thanks francis baby.
we didn't exactly get to catch up, but hey...we did spend some time together. at least for the cab ride back we did.
you never fail to get me smiling.
francis and i met up at the east area leaders' gathering. yes it's a scouts thing.
it felt odd being there...like i had no business there. thankfully, i had a whole group of people to hang out with. and i JUST HAD TO do a little salsa with bubba.
the gang is slowly being converted to my dancing interests.
so there we were, standing in front of the pool, with me teaching them how to shine!
i finally bought Jazz In The City, but as a gift for the exchange at the party earlier.
i kept looking to see who got it...because i'd be seriously miffed if it went to someone who wouldn't appreciate it. couldn't catch hold of the fella though.
i had so wanted to keep it for myself...haha.
well, 20 bucks in my borders card and a 15% discount storewide...
BORDERS HERE I COME!
"maybe we could spend some time, i can be your sunshine"
little romeo sent me home today =)
thanks francis baby.
we didn't exactly get to catch up, but hey...we did spend some time together. at least for the cab ride back we did.
you never fail to get me smiling.
francis and i met up at the east area leaders' gathering. yes it's a scouts thing.
it felt odd being there...like i had no business there. thankfully, i had a whole group of people to hang out with. and i JUST HAD TO do a little salsa with bubba.
the gang is slowly being converted to my dancing interests.
so there we were, standing in front of the pool, with me teaching them how to shine!
i finally bought Jazz In The City, but as a gift for the exchange at the party earlier.
i kept looking to see who got it...because i'd be seriously miffed if it went to someone who wouldn't appreciate it. couldn't catch hold of the fella though.
i had so wanted to keep it for myself...haha.
well, 20 bucks in my borders card and a 15% discount storewide...
BORDERS HERE I COME!
Saturday, December 25, 2004
IF YOU DIDN'T LOVE ME
countdown to corrinne may: song number two.
If every drop of water disappeared from the land
And every drop of ocean suddenly turned to sand
That would all be nothing compared to what I'd feel
If you didn't love me.
What if I woke up and couldn't hear a sound
And all that I could see was darkness all around
That would still be nothing compared to what I'd feel
If you didn't love me.
If I could have the world and all that money could buy
Then I could travel far beyond the moon and the sky
If they gave me golden wings but I still couldn't fly
Without you, nothing would matter.
You and I walk beside each other day after day
But there's so much inside me I never get to say
My life would be so empty, with nothing left to feel
If you didn't love me...
...if you didn't love me.
i truly appreciate your concern for my heart.
and if, he should ask me out again, i shall not refuse him. after all, he's still the nice guy i thought he was. and i've got a newfound respect for him as well, as someone who's been through what i'm going through now.
even if i got home at just past eight, yesterday has got to be one of the most memorable christmas eves i've had in a long while.
it was catharsis at its best.
so i got home, ate a huge plate of fried rice, turkey, ham and salmon sashimi...and watched south park with my brother.
and, of course, phone-chatted with my home girl who never stops trying to fix me up. she's coolness.
i think i've got a lot to be thankful for this christmas.
it's been a very good year.
countdown to corrinne may: song number two.
If every drop of water disappeared from the land
And every drop of ocean suddenly turned to sand
That would all be nothing compared to what I'd feel
If you didn't love me.
What if I woke up and couldn't hear a sound
And all that I could see was darkness all around
That would still be nothing compared to what I'd feel
If you didn't love me.
If I could have the world and all that money could buy
Then I could travel far beyond the moon and the sky
If they gave me golden wings but I still couldn't fly
Without you, nothing would matter.
You and I walk beside each other day after day
But there's so much inside me I never get to say
My life would be so empty, with nothing left to feel
If you didn't love me...
...if you didn't love me.
i truly appreciate your concern for my heart.
and if, he should ask me out again, i shall not refuse him. after all, he's still the nice guy i thought he was. and i've got a newfound respect for him as well, as someone who's been through what i'm going through now.
even if i got home at just past eight, yesterday has got to be one of the most memorable christmas eves i've had in a long while.
it was catharsis at its best.
so i got home, ate a huge plate of fried rice, turkey, ham and salmon sashimi...and watched south park with my brother.
and, of course, phone-chatted with my home girl who never stops trying to fix me up. she's coolness.
i think i've got a lot to be thankful for this christmas.
it's been a very good year.
Friday, December 24, 2004
YOU CAN DO MAGIC
or not.
it all ended today.
yes, after the evening came to an end.
how ironic is it for my crush to come to a crashing halt, the day i actually went out with the guy?
and i told him that i HAD a crush on him.
at the end of the evening, of course.
no it was not a bad afternoon.
we went to the botero exhibition at SAM, hung out for a bit at the esplanade and had a long chat at coffee bean.
hell...we even played the 10 bucks game! and i'm ashamed to say that HE WON!
we had a very good time together.
and it ended peacefully, as he sent me back home on the bus.
i guess i set him thinking about a lotta stuff.
it should be interesting to hear what he says the next time we meet.
if we do meet, of course.
what a day.
what a good day.
or not.
it all ended today.
yes, after the evening came to an end.
how ironic is it for my crush to come to a crashing halt, the day i actually went out with the guy?
and i told him that i HAD a crush on him.
at the end of the evening, of course.
no it was not a bad afternoon.
we went to the botero exhibition at SAM, hung out for a bit at the esplanade and had a long chat at coffee bean.
hell...we even played the 10 bucks game! and i'm ashamed to say that HE WON!
we had a very good time together.
and it ended peacefully, as he sent me back home on the bus.
i guess i set him thinking about a lotta stuff.
it should be interesting to hear what he says the next time we meet.
if we do meet, of course.
what a day.
what a good day.
i am feeling weary...numb...bordering sad.
i kinda wish i had never headed out tonight.
loneliness engulfed me the moment i stepped into union.
the moment eddie greeted me cheerily, i thought "shit...what the hell am i doing here?"
of course, the moment i started dancing, i felt better.
though when i stopped, i just fell back down to nothingness.
tonight reminded me that physical companionship doesn't do jack if your soul's unfulfilled.
my favorite part of the evening was the cab ride back.
yes...that's how bad i felt for most of the night.
kinda brings me back to the time i was headed back to singapore.
i suppose this is characteristic of life, and that the journey should always be the focal point of it all when it comes to achieving goals.
i felt like such a bimbo this evening.
and to top it all off, i simply allowed people who stereotyped me to keep that thought.
i was simply too tired and miffed to even defend myself.
to dance, dance, dance was all i wanted to do because i didn't want to talk to anyone.
i'm feeling down.
i kinda wish i had never headed out tonight.
loneliness engulfed me the moment i stepped into union.
the moment eddie greeted me cheerily, i thought "shit...what the hell am i doing here?"
of course, the moment i started dancing, i felt better.
though when i stopped, i just fell back down to nothingness.
tonight reminded me that physical companionship doesn't do jack if your soul's unfulfilled.
my favorite part of the evening was the cab ride back.
yes...that's how bad i felt for most of the night.
kinda brings me back to the time i was headed back to singapore.
i suppose this is characteristic of life, and that the journey should always be the focal point of it all when it comes to achieving goals.
i felt like such a bimbo this evening.
and to top it all off, i simply allowed people who stereotyped me to keep that thought.
i was simply too tired and miffed to even defend myself.
to dance, dance, dance was all i wanted to do because i didn't want to talk to anyone.
i'm feeling down.
Thursday, December 23, 2004
STAY ON THE ROAD
and now begins the countdown to corrinne may on new year's eve...starting with this ditty...
Don't turn your laughing eyes away
You know I love you
There's no need to be afraid
Hearts are made to be broken
They get stronger by the day
I'll take a chance and drop all my defences
Just to hear you say
How long is the road
How long is the ride
How long is the darkness till we get to the light
Go easy on me
Cuz you already know
No matter the distance
I'll stay on the road to your heart.
You say I've been a fool too long
I wonder why I
Had the strength to carry on
I see through your weakness
You're a tough guy
I have met
It's really not that hard or complicated
There's no need to ask...
How long is the road
How long is the ride
How long is the darkness till we get to the light
Go easy on me
Cuz you already know
No matter the distance
I'll stay on the road to your heart.
i had this song on "repeat" mode on my iPod while on the way home...and was extremely inspired by these two lines:
It's really not that hard or complicated
There's no need to ask...
so...if tomorrow goes all right, i'm just gonna bite the bullet and do something i've NEVER done: ask a fella out.
corrinne may's right.
this shouldn't be complicated at all.
in any case, hearts are made to be broken, aren't they?
i'm keeping my fingers crossed.
perhaps i'll finally have the guts to go through with this.
and now begins the countdown to corrinne may on new year's eve...starting with this ditty...
Don't turn your laughing eyes away
You know I love you
There's no need to be afraid
Hearts are made to be broken
They get stronger by the day
I'll take a chance and drop all my defences
Just to hear you say
How long is the road
How long is the ride
How long is the darkness till we get to the light
Go easy on me
Cuz you already know
No matter the distance
I'll stay on the road to your heart.
You say I've been a fool too long
I wonder why I
Had the strength to carry on
I see through your weakness
You're a tough guy
I have met
It's really not that hard or complicated
There's no need to ask...
How long is the road
How long is the ride
How long is the darkness till we get to the light
Go easy on me
Cuz you already know
No matter the distance
I'll stay on the road to your heart.
i had this song on "repeat" mode on my iPod while on the way home...and was extremely inspired by these two lines:
It's really not that hard or complicated
There's no need to ask...
so...if tomorrow goes all right, i'm just gonna bite the bullet and do something i've NEVER done: ask a fella out.
corrinne may's right.
this shouldn't be complicated at all.
in any case, hearts are made to be broken, aren't they?
i'm keeping my fingers crossed.
perhaps i'll finally have the guts to go through with this.
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
LITTLE SUPERHERO GIRL
little superhero girl needs to take a breather before the season passes her by.
she needs to get out from under her cape.
she needs to face the ever-needing-saving world with renewed gusto.
superhumans are self-confessed perfectionistas, so can she ever live a normal life?
would she ever be able to blend in?
can she go out with someone other than little superhero boy?
she can never blend in because she's a star...and was born to shine (though her version of shining is really more like sticking out, rather than being exceptional).
she's tried being normal, but still, she can never fade into the background.
normal's boring...and though some might've passed her by, others who know her will see that she's anything but.
she continues to stay the reluctant star she is.
but because of her starlight, would someone other than little superhero boy see her for who she is?
and would he accept her for her gifts?
if he knew what she could do, would he take a step back and go down to the store for something normal?
little superhero girl has done a whole lot of saving today and needs sleep.
normality is finally able to set in.
little superhero girl needs to take a breather before the season passes her by.
she needs to get out from under her cape.
she needs to face the ever-needing-saving world with renewed gusto.
superhumans are self-confessed perfectionistas, so can she ever live a normal life?
would she ever be able to blend in?
can she go out with someone other than little superhero boy?
she can never blend in because she's a star...and was born to shine (though her version of shining is really more like sticking out, rather than being exceptional).
she's tried being normal, but still, she can never fade into the background.
normal's boring...and though some might've passed her by, others who know her will see that she's anything but.
she continues to stay the reluctant star she is.
but because of her starlight, would someone other than little superhero boy see her for who she is?
and would he accept her for her gifts?
if he knew what she could do, would he take a step back and go down to the store for something normal?
little superhero girl has done a whole lot of saving today and needs sleep.
normality is finally able to set in.
Sunday, December 19, 2004
SAVE ME...PLEASE.
serene is the strong one.
she cannot cry when others are.
i had this long entry planned out in my head when my dad stepped into the room.
he started talking about our predicament and what could happen when.
so i just had to ask this:
"so is going away out of the question?"
and that sparked off a whole barrage of stuff. a lengthy discussion that ended with him leaving my room and saying "thank you".
the tears started falling the moment the door closed behind him. my tears, rather.
i must've cried for a full 40 minutes because my eyes are now puffy, bordering swollen.
so i'm not over it yet. but i will be.
i still need some time.
i foresee the signing of my new contract will be a very emotional ocassion.
and so will my birthday. because it'll be yet another birthday spent here.
i suppose this is how people lose faith...in faith itself.
the polar express spelt everything out perfectly.
"SEEING IS BELIEVING," said the conductor.
for close to eight years...i've not seen it. so how can i believe it?
i refuse to accept that it isn't my time yet.
i've had enough of this...let's move along...
IT'S JUST A LITTLE CRUSH
not like i'll faint everytime we touch...
question: aren't crushes meant to be fleeting? like...a crush should be over in, say, a couple of weeks mostest?
i'm giving myself a couple more weeks to determine if this is a crush, or not.
if it is, good.
if it's more than a simple crush...well, we'll see about that then.
i've got two camps of advisors here.
the first one tells me to bite the bullet and go for it.
the second's telling me to hang on for a bit.
oh well, i've made my choice to chicken out for a bit.
MY GIRL
You know, I wasn't kidding when I said I like you. But you already know that. You're an attractive and interesting person.
But like you. For me, it will pass in time. I hope.
Your friends like you. Complete strangers like me like you. Why don't you accept the fact that he will like you?
- KEVIN.
kevin: you're the fourth in line who's posed that question.
the first was thomas, the second, melvin, and the third...ashley.
thomas and i didn't get off to a good start. he'd talk to everyone else but me. but we've gotten over that phase and he now teases me to no end, especially when it comes to THE CRUSHEE.
he almost blurted it out to THE CRUSHEE. fortuntely, he was just being extremely cheeky with me and finished off his sentence with a "forget it...later i get hantamed by someone."
now melvin (while THE CRUSHEE was settling down on the stool beside me) asked "how do you know it's not mutual?"
my response? "i just have this strange feeling that it isn't. now can we please stop talking about it?"
whether they were just having fun with me or were actually trying to be nice, i'm glad they were there with me last night.
with that, i'm thankful for all the "big brother" figures i have in my life. and for the little-brothers-who-act-like-big-brothers as well.
check out the brotherhood:
that's me, jason, ray, aunt and kt...
jas and i acting all couply...NOT!
i suppose it's time for this tomboy to grow up.
serene is the strong one.
she cannot cry when others are.
i had this long entry planned out in my head when my dad stepped into the room.
he started talking about our predicament and what could happen when.
so i just had to ask this:
"so is going away out of the question?"
and that sparked off a whole barrage of stuff. a lengthy discussion that ended with him leaving my room and saying "thank you".
the tears started falling the moment the door closed behind him. my tears, rather.
i must've cried for a full 40 minutes because my eyes are now puffy, bordering swollen.
so i'm not over it yet. but i will be.
i still need some time.
i foresee the signing of my new contract will be a very emotional ocassion.
and so will my birthday. because it'll be yet another birthday spent here.
i suppose this is how people lose faith...in faith itself.
the polar express spelt everything out perfectly.
"SEEING IS BELIEVING," said the conductor.
for close to eight years...i've not seen it. so how can i believe it?
i refuse to accept that it isn't my time yet.
i've had enough of this...let's move along...
IT'S JUST A LITTLE CRUSH
not like i'll faint everytime we touch...
question: aren't crushes meant to be fleeting? like...a crush should be over in, say, a couple of weeks mostest?
i'm giving myself a couple more weeks to determine if this is a crush, or not.
if it is, good.
if it's more than a simple crush...well, we'll see about that then.
i've got two camps of advisors here.
the first one tells me to bite the bullet and go for it.
the second's telling me to hang on for a bit.
oh well, i've made my choice to chicken out for a bit.
MY GIRL
You know, I wasn't kidding when I said I like you. But you already know that. You're an attractive and interesting person.
But like you. For me, it will pass in time. I hope.
Your friends like you. Complete strangers like me like you. Why don't you accept the fact that he will like you?
- KEVIN.
kevin: you're the fourth in line who's posed that question.
the first was thomas, the second, melvin, and the third...ashley.
thomas and i didn't get off to a good start. he'd talk to everyone else but me. but we've gotten over that phase and he now teases me to no end, especially when it comes to THE CRUSHEE.
he almost blurted it out to THE CRUSHEE. fortuntely, he was just being extremely cheeky with me and finished off his sentence with a "forget it...later i get hantamed by someone."
now melvin (while THE CRUSHEE was settling down on the stool beside me) asked "how do you know it's not mutual?"
my response? "i just have this strange feeling that it isn't. now can we please stop talking about it?"
whether they were just having fun with me or were actually trying to be nice, i'm glad they were there with me last night.
with that, i'm thankful for all the "big brother" figures i have in my life. and for the little-brothers-who-act-like-big-brothers as well.
check out the brotherhood:
that's me, jason, ray, aunt and kt...
jas and i acting all couply...NOT!
i suppose it's time for this tomboy to grow up.
WHENEVER I CALL YOU FRIEND
she's so sure he wouldn't go out with her.
so she kept the images of his smile in a tiny little space in her head...hoping that it'd remain dormant for a long time to come.
when given the opportunity though, she did want to see him, but had to pretend she didn't feel for him.
she couldn't let him see.
she couldn't let herself see.
she was drawn to him.
whoever knew about the crush she had on him kept asking her why.
but she simply couldn't explain the pull.
so her heart sank when she didn't see him as she stepped into the club.
her disappointment wasn't obvious, but she had just wanted to be alone...if only for a while.
then, as she walked her friends out, she saw him.
his face lit up with surprise at the sight of her.
and while she spoke to her friends for a bit, she was aching to get back inside to talk to him.
and talk they did. and danced.
how could he not realize that she fancied him, when to her, all the signs were so evident?
her buddies threatened to spill on her if she didn't tell him...but they couldn't bear to, as much as they teased her.
they just sat around, grinning their silent grins whenever he appeared.
they assured her that he'd be happy to know of her feelings for him, but she wasn't so sure. for she's convinced that someone like him wouldn't want to hang out with someone like her.
so why is she subjecting herself to such torture?
she doesn't know.
but she walked home with a bounce in her step that night...and his smile fresh in her mind.
he had made her day, simply by being around.
she's so sure he wouldn't go out with her.
so she kept the images of his smile in a tiny little space in her head...hoping that it'd remain dormant for a long time to come.
when given the opportunity though, she did want to see him, but had to pretend she didn't feel for him.
she couldn't let him see.
she couldn't let herself see.
she was drawn to him.
whoever knew about the crush she had on him kept asking her why.
but she simply couldn't explain the pull.
so her heart sank when she didn't see him as she stepped into the club.
her disappointment wasn't obvious, but she had just wanted to be alone...if only for a while.
then, as she walked her friends out, she saw him.
his face lit up with surprise at the sight of her.
and while she spoke to her friends for a bit, she was aching to get back inside to talk to him.
and talk they did. and danced.
how could he not realize that she fancied him, when to her, all the signs were so evident?
her buddies threatened to spill on her if she didn't tell him...but they couldn't bear to, as much as they teased her.
they just sat around, grinning their silent grins whenever he appeared.
they assured her that he'd be happy to know of her feelings for him, but she wasn't so sure. for she's convinced that someone like him wouldn't want to hang out with someone like her.
so why is she subjecting herself to such torture?
she doesn't know.
but she walked home with a bounce in her step that night...and his smile fresh in her mind.
he had made her day, simply by being around.
Thursday, December 16, 2004
SOMEONE LIKE YOU
sometimes i wonder how ashley can carry off her non-bashful "ask me out lah"s.
people would think she's joking but i figure she's testing the waters...dropping hints to garner the guy's interest.
she would love to go out on dates. as would i.
she (among some others) keeps trying to set me up. i really want her to just go out and have fun as well...but she keeps saying no one's asking her out.
that's extremely odd, given that ash is obviously more outgoing than i am. and would definitely be a lot more fun to hang out with on a cool saturday evening. hell, if i were a guy, i'd have asked her out already!
i, on the other hand, would probably do for a quiet evening. if i'm comfortable with you, i wouldn't be trying too hard to make conversation.
now i don't think i've been out on enough dates to say i'm familiar with datehood, but from what others tell me, it's really quite fun.
i often over-analyze things to actually enjoy the date. and when the guy wants to get slightly serious, i do the hundred-meter dash and drape on my invisibility cloak for a while.
the non-committal side of me's one part i can't understand.
perhaps a huge part of that stems from me expecting to be leaving soon...and not staying long enough to have one relationship.
i have shunned and turned down all relationship propositions because i didn't want people to get hurt...after i have to leave, that is. i didn't want us to have to break up, or compromise, or me to have to consider my relationship before my goals.
and now that my going away has, once again, been postponed indefinitely, i feel a certain anger.
although i've come to terms with it mentally, i still have to deal with a whole barrage of conflicting emotions.
i am still angry. perhaps because i've set aside so much for this dream.
i would hate to admit my hopes have been dashed...but...
it's hard to be optimistic when the same thing crashes down on you, time and again.
the brick wall's slowly being reinforced with a certain shock-absorbing gel now.
let's just hope that it's just a harmless gel, and not something that would solidify into a thick mass of jade.
rescue me.
someone.
sometimes i wonder how ashley can carry off her non-bashful "ask me out lah"s.
people would think she's joking but i figure she's testing the waters...dropping hints to garner the guy's interest.
she would love to go out on dates. as would i.
she (among some others) keeps trying to set me up. i really want her to just go out and have fun as well...but she keeps saying no one's asking her out.
that's extremely odd, given that ash is obviously more outgoing than i am. and would definitely be a lot more fun to hang out with on a cool saturday evening. hell, if i were a guy, i'd have asked her out already!
i, on the other hand, would probably do for a quiet evening. if i'm comfortable with you, i wouldn't be trying too hard to make conversation.
now i don't think i've been out on enough dates to say i'm familiar with datehood, but from what others tell me, it's really quite fun.
i often over-analyze things to actually enjoy the date. and when the guy wants to get slightly serious, i do the hundred-meter dash and drape on my invisibility cloak for a while.
the non-committal side of me's one part i can't understand.
perhaps a huge part of that stems from me expecting to be leaving soon...and not staying long enough to have one relationship.
i have shunned and turned down all relationship propositions because i didn't want people to get hurt...after i have to leave, that is. i didn't want us to have to break up, or compromise, or me to have to consider my relationship before my goals.
and now that my going away has, once again, been postponed indefinitely, i feel a certain anger.
although i've come to terms with it mentally, i still have to deal with a whole barrage of conflicting emotions.
i am still angry. perhaps because i've set aside so much for this dream.
i would hate to admit my hopes have been dashed...but...
it's hard to be optimistic when the same thing crashes down on you, time and again.
the brick wall's slowly being reinforced with a certain shock-absorbing gel now.
let's just hope that it's just a harmless gel, and not something that would solidify into a thick mass of jade.
rescue me.
someone.
a friend of mine and her partner were bickering.
her partner turns to me, looking indignant, and says, "she calls me a nerd!"
so i turn to my friend and say, "eh...but i'm a nerd too what, and so are you, for that matter."
my friend tells me, "yeah, we're nerds. but we're higher class nerds."
and i'm like..."huh?"
her partner interjects, "she thinks that people who read more technical stuff and are more engineer-in-nature are of a lower calibre of nerds. and that people who read philosophy and discuss literature are of a higher calibre of nerdism."
and that set me thinking: do philosophers and engineers complement each other?
my friend says, "no what! there are loadsa nerds of the same kind who get together!"
then i think back to cole and i...and shake my head.
two thinkers would end up depressing the hell outta each other.
so i observe the couple, and realize i'm stuck between the both of them.
one's my good friend, with whom i discuss life's mysteries and existentialism.
the other's her partner, with whom i get along perfectly fine with...discussing the more technical side of things...business models and all.
so am i an engineer, or a philosopher?
i figure that before doing business news, i was the latter. exclusively. now, i'm a blooming philosopher but the engineer in me is breaking outta those bars.
on hindsight, i think cole was stuck in the middle. like me now.
cole WAS...because now, he isn't.
i think i prefer philosophers.
and you?
her partner turns to me, looking indignant, and says, "she calls me a nerd!"
so i turn to my friend and say, "eh...but i'm a nerd too what, and so are you, for that matter."
my friend tells me, "yeah, we're nerds. but we're higher class nerds."
and i'm like..."huh?"
her partner interjects, "she thinks that people who read more technical stuff and are more engineer-in-nature are of a lower calibre of nerds. and that people who read philosophy and discuss literature are of a higher calibre of nerdism."
and that set me thinking: do philosophers and engineers complement each other?
my friend says, "no what! there are loadsa nerds of the same kind who get together!"
then i think back to cole and i...and shake my head.
two thinkers would end up depressing the hell outta each other.
so i observe the couple, and realize i'm stuck between the both of them.
one's my good friend, with whom i discuss life's mysteries and existentialism.
the other's her partner, with whom i get along perfectly fine with...discussing the more technical side of things...business models and all.
so am i an engineer, or a philosopher?
i figure that before doing business news, i was the latter. exclusively. now, i'm a blooming philosopher but the engineer in me is breaking outta those bars.
on hindsight, i think cole was stuck in the middle. like me now.
cole WAS...because now, he isn't.
i think i prefer philosophers.
and you?
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
WE ARE THE WORLD
nuthin' but love.
the waiting area outside the movie theaters was filled with such warmth that i felt absolutely safe in that environment.
strangers smiling at each other...and everyone was linked by one thing - cancer.
well, if you were there, you're either a member of the CCF, or the family of a CCF kid.
i'm the latter.
i knew so many of those people from years back...and to see the kids all grown up now, it's extremely heartwarming.
there was kiana...eugene...kok wee...
i caught up with a few of the constant volunteers (who all still thought that i was still flying).
the smiles just lit the uppermost level of bugis junction up.
an overwhelming urge to tear took over for a while...but i managed to hold it back as we continued talking, laughing, and just enjoying each others' company.
i thought that THE INCREDIBLES would've made a better choice for such an ocassion, with such a crowd. but after i disembarked THE POLAR EXPRESS, i could see why that worked.
with the right crowd, the movie would leave quite an impression. of course, if you were to go with a group of loud-mouthed friends who'd just badmouth every single turn of events, you'd get zilch outta it.
BUT the theater was filled with so much love...there was nothing else to feel.
i don't feel this way often.
but it'll be nice if i could.
nuthin' but love.
the waiting area outside the movie theaters was filled with such warmth that i felt absolutely safe in that environment.
strangers smiling at each other...and everyone was linked by one thing - cancer.
well, if you were there, you're either a member of the CCF, or the family of a CCF kid.
i'm the latter.
i knew so many of those people from years back...and to see the kids all grown up now, it's extremely heartwarming.
there was kiana...eugene...kok wee...
i caught up with a few of the constant volunteers (who all still thought that i was still flying).
the smiles just lit the uppermost level of bugis junction up.
an overwhelming urge to tear took over for a while...but i managed to hold it back as we continued talking, laughing, and just enjoying each others' company.
i thought that THE INCREDIBLES would've made a better choice for such an ocassion, with such a crowd. but after i disembarked THE POLAR EXPRESS, i could see why that worked.
with the right crowd, the movie would leave quite an impression. of course, if you were to go with a group of loud-mouthed friends who'd just badmouth every single turn of events, you'd get zilch outta it.
BUT the theater was filled with so much love...there was nothing else to feel.
i don't feel this way often.
but it'll be nice if i could.
Sunday, December 12, 2004
SAFE IN A CRAZY WORLD
the title belongs to corrinne may. but the following belongs to me. grieving.
It's that time of evening
When trees begin to sway
Orion feels his belt
When Scorpio comes his way
The moon in all its glowing glory
Makes a gentle pause
Outside my bedroom window
Just for me to know
I am not alone in this world
Although so much is lost
Within my heart I find a peace
No one has ever sought
Being alone has never been more beautiful than now
I cherish every moment, I cherish every sound.
I've dreamt of living on my own
Just to see how it would be
For me to be alone
And for you to not have me
I realize now it's not that hard
To keep that lonesome state
But to have you far away
Is one thing I cannot take
I am not alone in this world
Although so much is lost
Within my heart I find a peace
No one has ever sought
Being alone has never been more beautiful than now
I cherish every moment, I cherish every sound.
So thank you for being there for me
Through all my darkest days
My love for you is pure
I won't have it any other way
Without you there'd be no me.
Music is my religion.
the title belongs to corrinne may. but the following belongs to me. grieving.
It's that time of evening
When trees begin to sway
Orion feels his belt
When Scorpio comes his way
The moon in all its glowing glory
Makes a gentle pause
Outside my bedroom window
Just for me to know
I am not alone in this world
Although so much is lost
Within my heart I find a peace
No one has ever sought
Being alone has never been more beautiful than now
I cherish every moment, I cherish every sound.
I've dreamt of living on my own
Just to see how it would be
For me to be alone
And for you to not have me
I realize now it's not that hard
To keep that lonesome state
But to have you far away
Is one thing I cannot take
I am not alone in this world
Although so much is lost
Within my heart I find a peace
No one has ever sought
Being alone has never been more beautiful than now
I cherish every moment, I cherish every sound.
So thank you for being there for me
Through all my darkest days
My love for you is pure
I won't have it any other way
Without you there'd be no me.
Music is my religion.
Saturday, December 11, 2004
I COULD'VE DANCED ALL NIGHT
my calve muscles are screaming for oxygen, and my stomach's screaming for food.
but none of that compares to the liberation that dance has brought upon.
none of us knew what made us head to union after fiesta...the few of us were in horrid states and we could tell that each other were feeling down.
this time, we stayed till the lights came on and the music became pop (yuck!).
most of'em who frequent union would drink and dance...but i just do the latter. it's next to impossible to find a partner who's totally alcohol-free though...
danced with a few but, once again, didn't get to dance with him.
i don't know why i'm so gutless. perhaps i'm just not in the mood.
yes yes...he's the cute nerd i had a crush on.
so anyways...we headed down with a salsa classmate called thomas.
thomas is like...the smooth operator. he's so smooth, he's got women hanging on his arm at every turn. geez...we went with him but only saw him at 20-minute intervals.
apparently, he's got a girlfriend, but she doesn't like salsa.
looking at the number of women he danced with and chatted up, he sure looks like a swinger and not someone who's attached. in fact, he left the place with two girls! and i don't know how many more were waiting for him at the exit.
dancing tonight was absolutely therapeutic, but i still hate smelling of smoke and drink everytime i step outta union.
throughout the five hours of dancing, my mind was blank...and i just followed the lead.
having everything flood back after each dance was painful, but i got some clarity after each space-out.
eddie said i have the "ice queen" persona too.
but who's afraid of ice?
REALLY?
my calve muscles are screaming for oxygen, and my stomach's screaming for food.
but none of that compares to the liberation that dance has brought upon.
none of us knew what made us head to union after fiesta...the few of us were in horrid states and we could tell that each other were feeling down.
this time, we stayed till the lights came on and the music became pop (yuck!).
most of'em who frequent union would drink and dance...but i just do the latter. it's next to impossible to find a partner who's totally alcohol-free though...
danced with a few but, once again, didn't get to dance with him.
i don't know why i'm so gutless. perhaps i'm just not in the mood.
yes yes...he's the cute nerd i had a crush on.
so anyways...we headed down with a salsa classmate called thomas.
thomas is like...the smooth operator. he's so smooth, he's got women hanging on his arm at every turn. geez...we went with him but only saw him at 20-minute intervals.
apparently, he's got a girlfriend, but she doesn't like salsa.
looking at the number of women he danced with and chatted up, he sure looks like a swinger and not someone who's attached. in fact, he left the place with two girls! and i don't know how many more were waiting for him at the exit.
dancing tonight was absolutely therapeutic, but i still hate smelling of smoke and drink everytime i step outta union.
throughout the five hours of dancing, my mind was blank...and i just followed the lead.
having everything flood back after each dance was painful, but i got some clarity after each space-out.
eddie said i have the "ice queen" persona too.
but who's afraid of ice?
REALLY?
Friday, December 10, 2004
I BELIEVE IN MUSIC
heard this song on the bus ride home.
the lyrics suck but it sorta tells what music means to me.
I could just sit around making music all day long.
As long as I'm making my music, ain't gonna do nobody no harm.
And who knows, maybe I'll come up with a song
To make people want to stop all their fussing and fighting
Long enough to sing along.
I believe in music.
Oh, I believe in love.
And I believe in music.
Oh, I, I believe in love.
Music is love, and love is music, if you know what I mean.
People who believe in music are the happiest people I've ever seen.
So clap your hands and stomp your feet and shake your tambourine,
And lift your voices to the sky; tell me what you see.
I, I believe in music.
Oh, I believe in love.
I believe in music.
Oh, I, I believe in love.
Music is the universal language, and love is the key
To peace, hope, and understanding, and living in harmony.
So grab your brother by the hand, let's sing along with me,
And lift your voices to the sky; tell me what you see.
I, I believe in music.
Oh, I, I believe in love.
I, I believe in music.
Oh, I, I believe in love.
- MAC DAVIS
i'm sure i'd be able to pen something better down sometime.
probably soon.
my writing's usually most readable by people like me when i'm in pain.
one thing i'm sure of though:
if it ain't dance that's gonna help me through this mess, it sure is gonna be music.
let the music soothe my soul.
and let the healing begin.
heard this song on the bus ride home.
the lyrics suck but it sorta tells what music means to me.
I could just sit around making music all day long.
As long as I'm making my music, ain't gonna do nobody no harm.
And who knows, maybe I'll come up with a song
To make people want to stop all their fussing and fighting
Long enough to sing along.
I believe in music.
Oh, I believe in love.
And I believe in music.
Oh, I, I believe in love.
Music is love, and love is music, if you know what I mean.
People who believe in music are the happiest people I've ever seen.
So clap your hands and stomp your feet and shake your tambourine,
And lift your voices to the sky; tell me what you see.
I, I believe in music.
Oh, I believe in love.
I believe in music.
Oh, I, I believe in love.
Music is the universal language, and love is the key
To peace, hope, and understanding, and living in harmony.
So grab your brother by the hand, let's sing along with me,
And lift your voices to the sky; tell me what you see.
I, I believe in music.
Oh, I, I believe in love.
I, I believe in music.
Oh, I, I believe in love.
- MAC DAVIS
i'm sure i'd be able to pen something better down sometime.
probably soon.
my writing's usually most readable by people like me when i'm in pain.
one thing i'm sure of though:
if it ain't dance that's gonna help me through this mess, it sure is gonna be music.
let the music soothe my soul.
and let the healing begin.
Thursday, December 09, 2004
ON MY OWN
i know i'm not alone...physically.
but i feel alone.
i constantly chide myself for feeling this way...
because isn't that what i want?
to be alone?
*you're so gonna do a double-take on me for this, but hell...i'm so wishing for someone to just hold me for a while. just for this little while...
but of course, that thought's gonna dissipate as soon as i wake up in the morning.
and then come back again later in the night.
i know i'm not alone...physically.
but i feel alone.
i constantly chide myself for feeling this way...
because isn't that what i want?
to be alone?
*you're so gonna do a double-take on me for this, but hell...i'm so wishing for someone to just hold me for a while. just for this little while...
but of course, that thought's gonna dissipate as soon as i wake up in the morning.
and then come back again later in the night.
JOURNEY
i'm crying as i'm typing this.
starting today, i'll be embarking on yet another phase of this adventure i call MY LIFE.
if you thought i was strong enough and independent before, you ain't seen nothin' yet.
for the past decade, i've been dedicating my time to people and their problems.
i've been trying to help them get through their rough patches in life.
and whenever people ask me why i am so willing to help others, yet so reluctant to receive help myself, i answer with this:
"because helping others is my salvation. i learn from helping others get through their problems."
over the past couple of years, i've become quite jaded by how selfish people have become.
obviously, there are times when i am selfish.
of late though, i find myself sacrificing my physical and mental health to please people; people who are selfish enough to point their fingers at me without knowing the basis of those allegations.
i have decided that, for the good of my mental health, i shall take a break from these people.
i have decided to be selfish for once...because i need to nurse my sanity, and make sure it doesn't take anymore battering.
and that's why i need time...
away from my family, my boys, my home.
realize that i still call the place i live MY HOME.
and that's proof that i'm not distancing myself.
i just desperately need time AWAY.
please let me indulge in my selfishness for this once.
please.
i'm crying as i'm typing this.
starting today, i'll be embarking on yet another phase of this adventure i call MY LIFE.
if you thought i was strong enough and independent before, you ain't seen nothin' yet.
for the past decade, i've been dedicating my time to people and their problems.
i've been trying to help them get through their rough patches in life.
and whenever people ask me why i am so willing to help others, yet so reluctant to receive help myself, i answer with this:
"because helping others is my salvation. i learn from helping others get through their problems."
over the past couple of years, i've become quite jaded by how selfish people have become.
obviously, there are times when i am selfish.
of late though, i find myself sacrificing my physical and mental health to please people; people who are selfish enough to point their fingers at me without knowing the basis of those allegations.
i have decided that, for the good of my mental health, i shall take a break from these people.
i have decided to be selfish for once...because i need to nurse my sanity, and make sure it doesn't take anymore battering.
and that's why i need time...
away from my family, my boys, my home.
realize that i still call the place i live MY HOME.
and that's proof that i'm not distancing myself.
i just desperately need time AWAY.
please let me indulge in my selfishness for this once.
please.
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
A MILLION WAYS
ashley's right.
he probably needs my support the most now...and i have to be strong.
for him.
he needs to hear those words from me.
he shouldn't need to worry about me at a time like this.
i'm so sorry i never said anything.
and i'm sorry all this had to surface before any of my emotions could shine through.
ashley's right.
he probably needs my support the most now...and i have to be strong.
for him.
he needs to hear those words from me.
he shouldn't need to worry about me at a time like this.
i'm so sorry i never said anything.
and i'm sorry all this had to surface before any of my emotions could shine through.
Saturday, December 04, 2004
EVERLASTING LOVE
a place of worship should bring peace to the people in it...that no matter how stormy they feel inside, they should feel renewed by the time they step out.
i felt the exact opposite today.
all the excitement of the morning morphed into oppression.
today was the wedding event of the year for the Lims.
our darling cousin, Tim, was finally wedding his girlfriend, Cynthia.
it's been a long time coming for these two...and i'm truly happy for them.
the excitement sorta ended the moment the bride entered the church and sat down with the groom.
as the readings started, so did the hyperventilation.
i had to close my eyes and tell myself to breathe slow.
i survived the whole thing, but i left the church with a heavy head and heart.
the whole session just totally disturbed me.
don't ask me how it did. when i find a way to verbalize those thoughts, i will blog them down.
on the brighter side of things...
weddings are always fun. it's especially so if you're on the girl's side...well, timmy didn't have to go through the gruelling bargaining session at the door because they just went to church straight from their homes.
and you know what the families talk about when we all attend one of these weddings?
they will look for the "next-in-line" and start probing...and insinuating stuff. ha.
turns out I am the next-in-line. well, not really. but they did say that they're looking forward to my turn because they'll have a whole lotta fun at the welcoming party. they've already hatched plans to give my other half hell.
and i had to keep reminding them "hello? it's gonna be quite a while because i haven't even met anyone yet!"
and then they affectionately chide me for being picky.
me? next-in-line?
*shudder.
a place of worship should bring peace to the people in it...that no matter how stormy they feel inside, they should feel renewed by the time they step out.
i felt the exact opposite today.
all the excitement of the morning morphed into oppression.
today was the wedding event of the year for the Lims.
our darling cousin, Tim, was finally wedding his girlfriend, Cynthia.
it's been a long time coming for these two...and i'm truly happy for them.
the excitement sorta ended the moment the bride entered the church and sat down with the groom.
as the readings started, so did the hyperventilation.
i had to close my eyes and tell myself to breathe slow.
i survived the whole thing, but i left the church with a heavy head and heart.
the whole session just totally disturbed me.
don't ask me how it did. when i find a way to verbalize those thoughts, i will blog them down.
on the brighter side of things...
weddings are always fun. it's especially so if you're on the girl's side...well, timmy didn't have to go through the gruelling bargaining session at the door because they just went to church straight from their homes.
and you know what the families talk about when we all attend one of these weddings?
they will look for the "next-in-line" and start probing...and insinuating stuff. ha.
turns out I am the next-in-line. well, not really. but they did say that they're looking forward to my turn because they'll have a whole lotta fun at the welcoming party. they've already hatched plans to give my other half hell.
and i had to keep reminding them "hello? it's gonna be quite a while because i haven't even met anyone yet!"
and then they affectionately chide me for being picky.
me? next-in-line?
*shudder.
ELEVATION
ha...never thought that i'd post something that late huh?
well, neither did i.
it's all my girl friend's fault. she and her boyfriend swung by jitterbugs to chance a dying fiesta, and wanted to go clubbing.
now i don't drink, you see.
so i suggested union square, since matthew was hanging out with his friends there.
*"what's the correlation?" you ask. well, it's better to go to union with a partner so even if no one else asks you to dance, you still have that one dance partner to hang on to...haha.
it was already just after 0000hrs, and we had problems getting a cab, but we got there eventually.
until matthew asked me to dance, i was just soaking in the atmosphere.
union is perfect for me - my friends wanna drink, and i wanna dance.
so matthew and i dance. then rest. then dance again.
just after i sat down after our second number, this guy i met at class today asked me to dance.
and so i did.
after one song, we approached the table and he asked if i knew any of the cuban steps from the earlier classes.
i tried to teach him a couple but we just ended up dancing. and shining.
ah...the shines.
i think people were watching me shine.
*for the uninitiated, "shining" is the term used for a person dancing solo, aka freestyling.
it's so odd...because the styling came quite naturally to me, and people were impressed.
like...c'mon, it's UNION SQUARE we're talking about here. EVERYONE knows how to dance (much better than i do).
so after i finished the second song with that guy, his friend told me he liked my shines and that he'd like to dance with me. okay.
then after i finally got to sit down for a bit, matthew was like "woah...you've improved TREMENDOUSLY since the last time. how did you learn to shine like that?"
and i was like..."HUH? you mean you guys don't know how to do it?!"
oh well. then this EXPERT asked me to dance.
i was sweating palms and pits man...i kept trying to tell him that i'm quite a beginner, but he just took over and spun me all over the freakin dancefloor.
matthew, wendy and david were all stunned into gaping.
i was too stunned myself to even think what happened after it all ended!
EIGHT dances in less than two hours.
i think that was quite enough for me.
it was funness tonight.
and i stepped out of my shell.
FINALLY.
ha...never thought that i'd post something that late huh?
well, neither did i.
it's all my girl friend's fault. she and her boyfriend swung by jitterbugs to chance a dying fiesta, and wanted to go clubbing.
now i don't drink, you see.
so i suggested union square, since matthew was hanging out with his friends there.
*"what's the correlation?" you ask. well, it's better to go to union with a partner so even if no one else asks you to dance, you still have that one dance partner to hang on to...haha.
it was already just after 0000hrs, and we had problems getting a cab, but we got there eventually.
until matthew asked me to dance, i was just soaking in the atmosphere.
union is perfect for me - my friends wanna drink, and i wanna dance.
so matthew and i dance. then rest. then dance again.
just after i sat down after our second number, this guy i met at class today asked me to dance.
and so i did.
after one song, we approached the table and he asked if i knew any of the cuban steps from the earlier classes.
i tried to teach him a couple but we just ended up dancing. and shining.
ah...the shines.
i think people were watching me shine.
*for the uninitiated, "shining" is the term used for a person dancing solo, aka freestyling.
it's so odd...because the styling came quite naturally to me, and people were impressed.
like...c'mon, it's UNION SQUARE we're talking about here. EVERYONE knows how to dance (much better than i do).
so after i finished the second song with that guy, his friend told me he liked my shines and that he'd like to dance with me. okay.
then after i finally got to sit down for a bit, matthew was like "woah...you've improved TREMENDOUSLY since the last time. how did you learn to shine like that?"
and i was like..."HUH? you mean you guys don't know how to do it?!"
oh well. then this EXPERT asked me to dance.
i was sweating palms and pits man...i kept trying to tell him that i'm quite a beginner, but he just took over and spun me all over the freakin dancefloor.
matthew, wendy and david were all stunned into gaping.
i was too stunned myself to even think what happened after it all ended!
EIGHT dances in less than two hours.
i think that was quite enough for me.
it was funness tonight.
and i stepped out of my shell.
FINALLY.
Friday, December 03, 2004
SEXY, NAUGHTY, BITCHY
one of my boys told me he was listening to a song that was SO ME.
then he sent it to me.
i didn't know what song he meant (since the title shown while downloading was so ambiguous), but the moment the first strains of music played out, i started laughing the house down.
yes...you guessed it. it's tata young's "sexy, naughty, bitchy".
i suppose he really meant that i was "bitchy".
but being bitchy ain't such a bad thing.
i'll admit to being a bitch because i am THAT outspoken.
now, "sexy" and "naughty"...i don't know.
unless you think i ooze sex appeal in some ways, i don't think i'm sexy at all.
and i definitely don't dress it (like, how often do you see me in something the normal guy would label "sexy"?).
i can be naughty...haha. i suppose "sneaky" is a better word. or "devious".
i think i've been flirting quite a bit this past week...unintentionally, that is.
i mean...is it mating season already? why the sudden influx of interest?
just last evening, this guy we met over a business meeting smsed me, enquiring about a certain business something.
after a couple more smses...i was actually wondering out loud...
"is he flirting with me?"
when i told ashley what transpired in those messages and an email response, i believe she laughed her head off...right there in front of her computer, in her room down in bukit panjang.
well, she told me she was laughing out loud.
was i emitting some mata hari sorta pheramones when i was sick?
did i look like the frail girl the typical singaporean male so wants to take care of?
what was it?
WHAT IS IT?
*eh...i'm still the ice queen, so i'm kinda puzzled why i'm getting so much contact from the men lately.
one of my boys told me he was listening to a song that was SO ME.
then he sent it to me.
i didn't know what song he meant (since the title shown while downloading was so ambiguous), but the moment the first strains of music played out, i started laughing the house down.
yes...you guessed it. it's tata young's "sexy, naughty, bitchy".
i suppose he really meant that i was "bitchy".
but being bitchy ain't such a bad thing.
i'll admit to being a bitch because i am THAT outspoken.
now, "sexy" and "naughty"...i don't know.
unless you think i ooze sex appeal in some ways, i don't think i'm sexy at all.
and i definitely don't dress it (like, how often do you see me in something the normal guy would label "sexy"?).
i can be naughty...haha. i suppose "sneaky" is a better word. or "devious".
i think i've been flirting quite a bit this past week...unintentionally, that is.
i mean...is it mating season already? why the sudden influx of interest?
just last evening, this guy we met over a business meeting smsed me, enquiring about a certain business something.
after a couple more smses...i was actually wondering out loud...
"is he flirting with me?"
when i told ashley what transpired in those messages and an email response, i believe she laughed her head off...right there in front of her computer, in her room down in bukit panjang.
well, she told me she was laughing out loud.
was i emitting some mata hari sorta pheramones when i was sick?
did i look like the frail girl the typical singaporean male so wants to take care of?
what was it?
WHAT IS IT?
*eh...i'm still the ice queen, so i'm kinda puzzled why i'm getting so much contact from the men lately.
Thursday, December 02, 2004
The Closest Thing To Crazy
before i begin with today's post, i'd like to share today's blog title's lyrics with you...
How can I think I'm standing strong,
Yet feel the air beneath my feet?
How can happiness feel so wrong?
How can misery feel so sweet?
How can you let me watch you sleep,
Then break my dreams the way you do?
How can I have got in so deep?
Why did I fall in love with you?
CHORUS:
This is the closest thing to crazy I have ever been
Feeling twenty-two, acting seventeen,
This is the nearest thing to crazy I have ever known,
I was never crazy on my own.
And now I know that there's a link between the two,
Being close to craziness and being close to you.
How can you make me fall apart
Then break my fall with loving lies?
It's so easy to break a heart;
It's so easy to close your eyes.
How can you treat me like a child
Yet like a child I yearn for you?
How can anyone feel so wild?
How can anyone feel so blue?
- Katie Melua
this song has been on repeat mode on the iPod for a while.
amongst hootie and the blowfish and joss stone.
lunch with matthew today was strangely relaxing.
there would be long instances of silence, and i'd just look out the window...take in the sights a little, before something else catches our eyes and sparks our next round of conversation.
after lunch, he asked if i'd like to go for a drink.
so we went to Ya Kun for tea.
and then i asked him, "do you feel uncomfortable with me?"
and he answered, "if i did, i wouldn't have asked you to get a drink after lunch, right?"
haha.
i don't know why, but that kinda smacked me in the face.
like, bloody stupid question.
i guessed i was still kinda spooked by mark's "ice queen" comment.
i mean...mark wasn't the only person who's described me as "ice queen", but he's the latest in line.
but, as he says, it works fine for me.
the ice queen persona.
see, i've quit whining.
before i begin with today's post, i'd like to share today's blog title's lyrics with you...
How can I think I'm standing strong,
Yet feel the air beneath my feet?
How can happiness feel so wrong?
How can misery feel so sweet?
How can you let me watch you sleep,
Then break my dreams the way you do?
How can I have got in so deep?
Why did I fall in love with you?
CHORUS:
This is the closest thing to crazy I have ever been
Feeling twenty-two, acting seventeen,
This is the nearest thing to crazy I have ever known,
I was never crazy on my own.
And now I know that there's a link between the two,
Being close to craziness and being close to you.
How can you make me fall apart
Then break my fall with loving lies?
It's so easy to break a heart;
It's so easy to close your eyes.
How can you treat me like a child
Yet like a child I yearn for you?
How can anyone feel so wild?
How can anyone feel so blue?
- Katie Melua
this song has been on repeat mode on the iPod for a while.
amongst hootie and the blowfish and joss stone.
lunch with matthew today was strangely relaxing.
there would be long instances of silence, and i'd just look out the window...take in the sights a little, before something else catches our eyes and sparks our next round of conversation.
after lunch, he asked if i'd like to go for a drink.
so we went to Ya Kun for tea.
and then i asked him, "do you feel uncomfortable with me?"
and he answered, "if i did, i wouldn't have asked you to get a drink after lunch, right?"
haha.
i don't know why, but that kinda smacked me in the face.
like, bloody stupid question.
i guessed i was still kinda spooked by mark's "ice queen" comment.
i mean...mark wasn't the only person who's described me as "ice queen", but he's the latest in line.
but, as he says, it works fine for me.
the ice queen persona.
see, i've quit whining.
Tuesday, November 30, 2004
STOP!!!
i wish people would stop yelling at me.
okay..."yelling" would be a little too harsh.
i wish people would quit raising their voices at me, especially when i'm obviously not in optimal health.
don't tell me to shout my commands. because if i could, i wouldn't be using a loud-speaker.
don't ask me if i'm REALLY sick. because if i weren't, i wouldn't be sitting down, coughing out green phlegm and trying to catch my breath all at the same time.
don't point your finger at me. well, at least attempt to know the details of the situation before deciding on whether to point that offensive digit in my face.
you know things are really strained when even your own father doubts you're really sick...everytime you do fall ill.
if only he could see how you couldn't even walk to the sink without losing your breath.
if only he knew you had to sit down for five minutes after standing up for one because the room began to spin.
if only he saw how you almost passed out three times in a row at dance class...but still perservered, despite your classmates pleas for you to rest.
IF ONLY HE NOTICED HOW THE GIRL WITH THE USUAL ROSY CHEEKS LOOKED PERPETUALLY PALE (like your classmates did).
anger is pushing me away from him...and his money.
so much so that it's crossed my mind plenty of times to quit thinking about studying overseas, just because i don't want to take his money and owe him that much.
that same anger is pushing me to work hard, make my mark and money, and MOVE OUT.
the scrutiny i can take. if you don't know me, ask and you shall receive.
BUT...please don't doubt me.
the people who claim to love me the most don't see me as the workaholic others outside see me as.
and so, they think i'm just a floater.
for outsiders who think that way, i really don't care.
but it's UNACCEPTABLE for my immediate family to think so.
i am not a loafer.
i don't lie about my illness.
and you know what?
this post wouldn't make a difference because if you've always seen me as a liar and incompetent, chances are...you'll think this post is mere fluff.
now you're thinking that i'm heartless for sharing my problems with the world and not you, aren't you?
consider this:
how can you think that, when you've already formed such perceptions about me, and cast them in stone?
you see my difference but you're afraid to accept it, are you not?
STOP PRETENDING TO CARE FOR ME.
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU'RE CARING FOR.
YOU DON'T HAVE A CLUE.
(i need dance, music...therapy. i think i need a shrink.)
i wish people would stop yelling at me.
okay..."yelling" would be a little too harsh.
i wish people would quit raising their voices at me, especially when i'm obviously not in optimal health.
don't tell me to shout my commands. because if i could, i wouldn't be using a loud-speaker.
don't ask me if i'm REALLY sick. because if i weren't, i wouldn't be sitting down, coughing out green phlegm and trying to catch my breath all at the same time.
don't point your finger at me. well, at least attempt to know the details of the situation before deciding on whether to point that offensive digit in my face.
you know things are really strained when even your own father doubts you're really sick...everytime you do fall ill.
if only he could see how you couldn't even walk to the sink without losing your breath.
if only he knew you had to sit down for five minutes after standing up for one because the room began to spin.
if only he saw how you almost passed out three times in a row at dance class...but still perservered, despite your classmates pleas for you to rest.
IF ONLY HE NOTICED HOW THE GIRL WITH THE USUAL ROSY CHEEKS LOOKED PERPETUALLY PALE (like your classmates did).
anger is pushing me away from him...and his money.
so much so that it's crossed my mind plenty of times to quit thinking about studying overseas, just because i don't want to take his money and owe him that much.
that same anger is pushing me to work hard, make my mark and money, and MOVE OUT.
the scrutiny i can take. if you don't know me, ask and you shall receive.
BUT...please don't doubt me.
the people who claim to love me the most don't see me as the workaholic others outside see me as.
and so, they think i'm just a floater.
for outsiders who think that way, i really don't care.
but it's UNACCEPTABLE for my immediate family to think so.
i am not a loafer.
i don't lie about my illness.
and you know what?
this post wouldn't make a difference because if you've always seen me as a liar and incompetent, chances are...you'll think this post is mere fluff.
now you're thinking that i'm heartless for sharing my problems with the world and not you, aren't you?
consider this:
how can you think that, when you've already formed such perceptions about me, and cast them in stone?
you see my difference but you're afraid to accept it, are you not?
STOP PRETENDING TO CARE FOR ME.
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU'RE CARING FOR.
YOU DON'T HAVE A CLUE.
(i need dance, music...therapy. i think i need a shrink.)
Saturday, November 27, 2004
fuck it.
i'm feeling so angry and miserable now.
yes...it's because of that stupid flu bug.
and i simply can't miss out on tomorrow's sentosa trip because if i don't go, many, many fingers will be pointed at me.
i can just hear the comments..."first, she cancels the race. now she's not here. how irresponsible can she get?"
you know...the only way people could get a whiff of how much shit i'm going through is if i pass out right before their eyes.
FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.
why do i keep falling sick at the wrong time?
how much worse can things get?
seriously, do i even have a choice?
i'm feeling so angry and miserable now.
yes...it's because of that stupid flu bug.
and i simply can't miss out on tomorrow's sentosa trip because if i don't go, many, many fingers will be pointed at me.
i can just hear the comments..."first, she cancels the race. now she's not here. how irresponsible can she get?"
you know...the only way people could get a whiff of how much shit i'm going through is if i pass out right before their eyes.
FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.
why do i keep falling sick at the wrong time?
how much worse can things get?
seriously, do i even have a choice?
DANCING IN THE MOONLIGHT
last night was salsa night.
so yes...i'm sick and weak, but i went anyway, hoping that the endorphins will perk me right up.
and NO...the endorphins didn't perk me up, if there were any produced at all.
after about half the lesson through, i had to sit down to catch my breath.
the thing about having the flu is that you get breathless pretty easily, and that sucks, especially when it comes to dancing.
you know what the ironic thing was?
i executed perfect spot-turns, compared to the "i-trip-over-myself" turns the last week (when i wasn't sick).
perhaps it was the heels...or the "dream-skirt" i was wearing...or both.
*note to self: find a pair of proper dancing shoes so your toes won't scrunge up at the front.
everyone liked the skirt. especially when i turned. it billowed and swiveled.
thus the name "the dream-skirt".
when i sat down those three times during class, EVERYONE shot me concerned looks...all mouthing "are you all right" and "you like me to get you some water"...
quite a sight really.
and when i decide i'm relatively okay, and get up to dance with the poor fella who's standing alone, he immediately tells me to sit down and rest.
my classmates are so funny...haha.
we all have one thing in common though: when we dance, we feel free.
and we look forward to dancing every friday night because it's a great way to start off the weekend.
i don't know if i can equate my love for dancing with my love for music...
but it's getting pretty close =)
last night was salsa night.
so yes...i'm sick and weak, but i went anyway, hoping that the endorphins will perk me right up.
and NO...the endorphins didn't perk me up, if there were any produced at all.
after about half the lesson through, i had to sit down to catch my breath.
the thing about having the flu is that you get breathless pretty easily, and that sucks, especially when it comes to dancing.
you know what the ironic thing was?
i executed perfect spot-turns, compared to the "i-trip-over-myself" turns the last week (when i wasn't sick).
perhaps it was the heels...or the "dream-skirt" i was wearing...or both.
*note to self: find a pair of proper dancing shoes so your toes won't scrunge up at the front.
everyone liked the skirt. especially when i turned. it billowed and swiveled.
thus the name "the dream-skirt".
when i sat down those three times during class, EVERYONE shot me concerned looks...all mouthing "are you all right" and "you like me to get you some water"...
quite a sight really.
and when i decide i'm relatively okay, and get up to dance with the poor fella who's standing alone, he immediately tells me to sit down and rest.
my classmates are so funny...haha.
we all have one thing in common though: when we dance, we feel free.
and we look forward to dancing every friday night because it's a great way to start off the weekend.
i don't know if i can equate my love for dancing with my love for music...
but it's getting pretty close =)
Monday, November 22, 2004
LALA
okay, i'm sorry...i'm back now, so stop whining about this not helping with your abandonment issues.
one week post-50th anniversary gala, and i'm being thrown into a massive role of responsibility.
a race in one week? like...are you madness?
yes i am...and i'm doing it.
sure, it seems simple enough, doesn't it? NOT.
i have the weight of the whole scout unit on my shoulders, plus my scouts' parents will be joining in, so this had better be some kick-ass race or else...
most of the details are pretty much down on paper.
i've got my co-conspirator to thank for the devious misleads we're planning...
STRESS STRESS STRESS!!!
*pardon me while i take a couple of hours off to gather my thoughts...and what i REALLY think.
okay, i'm sorry...i'm back now, so stop whining about this not helping with your abandonment issues.
one week post-50th anniversary gala, and i'm being thrown into a massive role of responsibility.
a race in one week? like...are you madness?
yes i am...and i'm doing it.
sure, it seems simple enough, doesn't it? NOT.
i have the weight of the whole scout unit on my shoulders, plus my scouts' parents will be joining in, so this had better be some kick-ass race or else...
most of the details are pretty much down on paper.
i've got my co-conspirator to thank for the devious misleads we're planning...
STRESS STRESS STRESS!!!
*pardon me while i take a couple of hours off to gather my thoughts...and what i REALLY think.
Tuesday, November 16, 2004
The Ladies Who Lunch
you know you're a sucker for romance when you feel all nice and fuzzy at this:
"because serene likes it what."
this guy remembered when i was leaving for the US, the exact date i was coming back, and lent me a book to read on the plane ride to and fro.
and he isn't even a friend.
he's the counter guy from goldheart.
everytime when i would pass by his outlet, he'd slip me a few grape-flavored candies.
today, just as he was packing up the stuff my aunt and mom bought, he scooped up a whole bunch and dropped it into my mom's paper bag.
so while the two ladies were laughing and my aunt was like "hey...why you give her, didn't give me", he made that statement.
don't get me wrong. i'm so not attracted to him like that.
but it just felt nice that someone remembers all this little details.
and it's not like i pour my lifestory out to him, and visit him ever so often.
c'mon...how often do you go to a jeweller?
it's one thing to be a good salesperson. but it's a gift to be able to make someone feel the way i felt.
i'm pretty sure i made many people feel that way when i was flying =)
i kinda miss leong heng...he's the guy who orchestrated the whole 50th anniversary thingee...the guy who put his life on hold just because he wanted to do this well.
i'm proud to have him as my new group scout leader, and our dear big bird as his able assistant.
you know...i'm tearing as i think of all we've been through in the past months.
sigh...i really wanna let them know how much they mean to me...but how?
i need to do something for them before i go. i need to leave behind a legacy.
speaking about leaving...
the one excuse i've given myself for not "settling" is that one day, i'll leave.
and because i don't want anyone to get hurt when that day comes, i'll just run whenever something's about to happen.
you know what the most ironic thing is?
it's that i'm finally leaving in a year...and this is the loneliest i've ever felt.
right now, i'm just wishing that someone would loan me his shoulder to cry on.
and his arms to feel a little safe in.
i need more than just a sanctuary in my room.
if you knew i was leaving...and things wouldn't work out...
would you still go out with me?
(*yes i would like to know what you think...all of you)
you know you're a sucker for romance when you feel all nice and fuzzy at this:
"because serene likes it what."
this guy remembered when i was leaving for the US, the exact date i was coming back, and lent me a book to read on the plane ride to and fro.
and he isn't even a friend.
he's the counter guy from goldheart.
everytime when i would pass by his outlet, he'd slip me a few grape-flavored candies.
today, just as he was packing up the stuff my aunt and mom bought, he scooped up a whole bunch and dropped it into my mom's paper bag.
so while the two ladies were laughing and my aunt was like "hey...why you give her, didn't give me", he made that statement.
don't get me wrong. i'm so not attracted to him like that.
but it just felt nice that someone remembers all this little details.
and it's not like i pour my lifestory out to him, and visit him ever so often.
c'mon...how often do you go to a jeweller?
it's one thing to be a good salesperson. but it's a gift to be able to make someone feel the way i felt.
i'm pretty sure i made many people feel that way when i was flying =)
i kinda miss leong heng...he's the guy who orchestrated the whole 50th anniversary thingee...the guy who put his life on hold just because he wanted to do this well.
i'm proud to have him as my new group scout leader, and our dear big bird as his able assistant.
you know...i'm tearing as i think of all we've been through in the past months.
sigh...i really wanna let them know how much they mean to me...but how?
i need to do something for them before i go. i need to leave behind a legacy.
speaking about leaving...
the one excuse i've given myself for not "settling" is that one day, i'll leave.
and because i don't want anyone to get hurt when that day comes, i'll just run whenever something's about to happen.
you know what the most ironic thing is?
it's that i'm finally leaving in a year...and this is the loneliest i've ever felt.
right now, i'm just wishing that someone would loan me his shoulder to cry on.
and his arms to feel a little safe in.
i need more than just a sanctuary in my room.
if you knew i was leaving...and things wouldn't work out...
would you still go out with me?
(*yes i would like to know what you think...all of you)
Sunday, November 14, 2004
N.E.R.D
this just dawned on me today, and i readily admitted this to my mom...
I LIKE NERDS.
i mean...i like cute nerds.
seems to me like the only guys i ever look at are guys in glasses with great smiles.
guys who possess that quiet confidence.
guys who are extremely knowledgeable, but won't loudly proclaim so.
hmm...odd, isn't it?
so anyways...i woke up late and had a whole loada sarcasm directed at me as i joined the team at lunch, before heading back to school to do some clean-up.
sigh...i'm sick, and tired.
i shouldn't be "tired", considering how much less physical work i've done for the big bash last night.
but i just am.
and i can't bring myself to tell the guys that i am, indeed, tired.
so i just went on...sweeping and mopping the school hall grounds before finally having to leave for dinner with my relatives.
i felt guilty leaving them.
and i feel even more guilty telling myself to rest some tomorrow, while the rest will still be working hard in school.
we all worked our butts off for this golden jubilee.
instead of resting these hols, we were in school, decorating the school hall, talking to the press...each of us doing our own thang...but all directed towards last night.
i wish i had rest. but more importantly, i wish i could rest together with my guys.
you get what i mean.
i'm getting so much closer to the elders with each passing week.
okay...i'm rambling now.
tired.
sick.
this just dawned on me today, and i readily admitted this to my mom...
I LIKE NERDS.
i mean...i like cute nerds.
seems to me like the only guys i ever look at are guys in glasses with great smiles.
guys who possess that quiet confidence.
guys who are extremely knowledgeable, but won't loudly proclaim so.
hmm...odd, isn't it?
so anyways...i woke up late and had a whole loada sarcasm directed at me as i joined the team at lunch, before heading back to school to do some clean-up.
sigh...i'm sick, and tired.
i shouldn't be "tired", considering how much less physical work i've done for the big bash last night.
but i just am.
and i can't bring myself to tell the guys that i am, indeed, tired.
so i just went on...sweeping and mopping the school hall grounds before finally having to leave for dinner with my relatives.
i felt guilty leaving them.
and i feel even more guilty telling myself to rest some tomorrow, while the rest will still be working hard in school.
we all worked our butts off for this golden jubilee.
instead of resting these hols, we were in school, decorating the school hall, talking to the press...each of us doing our own thang...but all directed towards last night.
i wish i had rest. but more importantly, i wish i could rest together with my guys.
you get what i mean.
i'm getting so much closer to the elders with each passing week.
okay...i'm rambling now.
tired.
sick.
The Last Night Of The World
it's now the morning after...
and instead of feeling relieved, i'm feeling rather sad.
i mean...my heart's like, clenching...and the only other way to describe this feeling is "bitter-sweetness".
it's been a wild ride till the culmination which was last night.
if you've seen how hard the guys have worked for this one event, you would be feeling the way i do.
we've still got a hell lotta cleaning-up to do in the morning...but that i'd gladly do.
my job as an emcee is done, and i shall now join my brother scouts in clearing the aftermath.
sigh...so many conflicting emotions, again.
perhaps it's cuz i'm so utterly exhausted.
but i shouldn't be complaining.
my dark eye rings weren't in vain. i had fun last night.
and you know what's the best thing about this whole event?
it brought us all closer together...not just as a unit, but as a WHOLE OPEN SCOUT GROUP.
that's right...never before could the veterans, rovers, ventures and scouts sit together at a table and chat their hearts out.
tonight, they did.
we did. after some major pack-up at 0100 hours.
i know it sounds corny, but i gotta say this:
i'm grateful to have been made an integral part of this momentous ocassion.
i hope to take our scout group through another 50 years...and bringing forth the legacy of the past 50.
i witnessed a milestone last evening. and i'm part of that milestone.
what were you up to last night? =)
it's now the morning after...
and instead of feeling relieved, i'm feeling rather sad.
i mean...my heart's like, clenching...and the only other way to describe this feeling is "bitter-sweetness".
it's been a wild ride till the culmination which was last night.
if you've seen how hard the guys have worked for this one event, you would be feeling the way i do.
we've still got a hell lotta cleaning-up to do in the morning...but that i'd gladly do.
my job as an emcee is done, and i shall now join my brother scouts in clearing the aftermath.
sigh...so many conflicting emotions, again.
perhaps it's cuz i'm so utterly exhausted.
but i shouldn't be complaining.
my dark eye rings weren't in vain. i had fun last night.
and you know what's the best thing about this whole event?
it brought us all closer together...not just as a unit, but as a WHOLE OPEN SCOUT GROUP.
that's right...never before could the veterans, rovers, ventures and scouts sit together at a table and chat their hearts out.
tonight, they did.
we did. after some major pack-up at 0100 hours.
i know it sounds corny, but i gotta say this:
i'm grateful to have been made an integral part of this momentous ocassion.
i hope to take our scout group through another 50 years...and bringing forth the legacy of the past 50.
i witnessed a milestone last evening. and i'm part of that milestone.
what were you up to last night? =)
Saturday, November 13, 2004
Rock My World
i'm so being treated like a princess...and i feel totally useless.
i don't have nimble hands so if you asked me to thread a needle, i probably couldn't.
but i can definitely left some heavy weights, scale some scaffolding and dunk some shit.
seriously, i don't know if the guys really think i'm THAT weak, or whether they just want me to rest and concentrate on my emceeing gig.
considering how some of them know me pretty well, i'd like to think it's the latter reason.
that aside, i had helluva time at salsa this friday evening (i've just been reminded that it's ALREADY saturday...EEEKS!).
i had time to rest between songs, but the dances kept coming...and i felt my legs move faster with each one.
and because we spun quite a bit during class, by the second dance in fiesta, my legs were already moving on their own.
i was just trying to keep up.
but that's a good problem to have. =)
so now, my legs are slightly jellified...am keeping my fingers crossed that i'd be able to walk good in that long dress and heels.
you know what'd be perfect?
if i could have a dance right before the gig...just to loosen me up.
but i don't suppose the elders wouldn't be too happy with me dancing in a long dress with a train, and perspiring with the nice hair and make-up.
i'm so being treated like a princess...and i feel totally useless.
i don't have nimble hands so if you asked me to thread a needle, i probably couldn't.
but i can definitely left some heavy weights, scale some scaffolding and dunk some shit.
seriously, i don't know if the guys really think i'm THAT weak, or whether they just want me to rest and concentrate on my emceeing gig.
considering how some of them know me pretty well, i'd like to think it's the latter reason.
that aside, i had helluva time at salsa this friday evening (i've just been reminded that it's ALREADY saturday...EEEKS!).
i had time to rest between songs, but the dances kept coming...and i felt my legs move faster with each one.
and because we spun quite a bit during class, by the second dance in fiesta, my legs were already moving on their own.
i was just trying to keep up.
but that's a good problem to have. =)
so now, my legs are slightly jellified...am keeping my fingers crossed that i'd be able to walk good in that long dress and heels.
you know what'd be perfect?
if i could have a dance right before the gig...just to loosen me up.
but i don't suppose the elders wouldn't be too happy with me dancing in a long dress with a train, and perspiring with the nice hair and make-up.
Thursday, November 11, 2004
Chapel of Love
please remind me to never ever let someone design a gown for me...like, ever again.
if you find me a designer, please let me choose the material, the cut, and the overall design.
the problem with local designers is that they try to outdo themselves everytime they create something.
and trust me, the gown tailor-made for me is way too bride-ly for saturday.
BUT since it's already done, i'm ready to just bite the bullet and try to carry it off the best that i can.
you see...i'm more of a classy sorta gal. heavily-beaded wedding gowns are not my style.
if it were up to me, i'd be contented to be fitted with a simple and plain tube.
sigh.
i supposed i'd still be able to carry it off, whatever it looks like.
i'll be extremely relieved after this whole thing is over.
please remind me to never ever let someone design a gown for me...like, ever again.
if you find me a designer, please let me choose the material, the cut, and the overall design.
the problem with local designers is that they try to outdo themselves everytime they create something.
and trust me, the gown tailor-made for me is way too bride-ly for saturday.
BUT since it's already done, i'm ready to just bite the bullet and try to carry it off the best that i can.
you see...i'm more of a classy sorta gal. heavily-beaded wedding gowns are not my style.
if it were up to me, i'd be contented to be fitted with a simple and plain tube.
sigh.
i supposed i'd still be able to carry it off, whatever it looks like.
i'll be extremely relieved after this whole thing is over.
Tuesday, November 09, 2004
Turn Me On
my pet mozzie is feeling extremely hungry this morning.
the little twit bit me on parts of my body like...six times.
somewhere in this room there's a really fat and sluggish mozzie buzzing around.
*looks around skeptically
it'd better fly away quick before i explode from rage and am provocated into clapping onto it!
so anyways, check this out...
while lying in bed late last night, i began to wonder: who invented the bolster?
i mean...while hugging onto mine, i suddenly realized that it probably was supposed to be like hugging another human being.
and i was immediately appalled by how i hugged my bolster to sleep every night.
"who was the sicko who invented something like that?!"
seems like embedded so deeply in us, is a need to have another being next to us, "to have and to hold", and yadda yadda yadda...
a bolster has become something some people can't sleep without. i mean...don't you find that the least bit disturbing?
and then my mind flashed back to my days in camp and while i was flying...and i heave a sigh of relief.
no bolsters then, and i got on just fine.
to me, i suppose a bolster is just a "nice to have", but not a "must have".
of course, you may dispute that.
hmm...i wonder if people who NEED bolsters...nevermind.
you see where i'm going with this.
so c'mon...spill.
are you a nightly bolster-hugger?
okay, i gotta admit.
i do miss my bolster at times.
my pet mozzie is feeling extremely hungry this morning.
the little twit bit me on parts of my body like...six times.
somewhere in this room there's a really fat and sluggish mozzie buzzing around.
*looks around skeptically
it'd better fly away quick before i explode from rage and am provocated into clapping onto it!
so anyways, check this out...
while lying in bed late last night, i began to wonder: who invented the bolster?
i mean...while hugging onto mine, i suddenly realized that it probably was supposed to be like hugging another human being.
and i was immediately appalled by how i hugged my bolster to sleep every night.
"who was the sicko who invented something like that?!"
seems like embedded so deeply in us, is a need to have another being next to us, "to have and to hold", and yadda yadda yadda...
a bolster has become something some people can't sleep without. i mean...don't you find that the least bit disturbing?
and then my mind flashed back to my days in camp and while i was flying...and i heave a sigh of relief.
no bolsters then, and i got on just fine.
to me, i suppose a bolster is just a "nice to have", but not a "must have".
of course, you may dispute that.
hmm...i wonder if people who NEED bolsters...nevermind.
you see where i'm going with this.
so c'mon...spill.
are you a nightly bolster-hugger?
okay, i gotta admit.
i do miss my bolster at times.
Monday, November 08, 2004
You Gotta Be
what an extremely productive day!
i'm feeling hella energized!
geez...pardon my good mood. it just felt so good to be out and about...
it was rush, rush, rush the whole day through, but WOW...the things i got done today.
i had planned to head to the gym in the afternoon, but the last minute thing with meghmani just goes to show how unpredictable my job's like.
oh well, gym and muscles'll have to wait.
for now, little superhero girl has to save the world from dying of boredom. =)
weeeeee........
what an extremely productive day!
i'm feeling hella energized!
geez...pardon my good mood. it just felt so good to be out and about...
it was rush, rush, rush the whole day through, but WOW...the things i got done today.
i had planned to head to the gym in the afternoon, but the last minute thing with meghmani just goes to show how unpredictable my job's like.
oh well, gym and muscles'll have to wait.
for now, little superhero girl has to save the world from dying of boredom. =)
weeeeee........
Sunday, November 07, 2004
A World Without Love
Please lock me away
And don't allow the day
Here inside where I hide
With my loneliness
I don't care what they say
I won't stay in a world without love.
this beatles tune has been like one of those stingers that consume your mind at the most inappropriate of times.
like...when i'm in loo...then i'll come out of it and tell angus about the song.
and then he gives me this funny look...haha.
sheesh...another beatles song just popped into mind...
All My Lovin'
Close your eyes and I'll kiss you
Tomorrow I'll miss you
Remember I'll always be true
And then while I'm away
I'll write home everyday
And I'll send all my lovin' to you
I'll pretend that I'm kissing
The lips I am missing
And hope that my dreams will come true
And then while I'm away
I'll write home everyday
And I'll send all my lovin' to you.
well, it's good that for once, the songs that keep popping up are fast and seemingly happy tunes.
by the way, Dax just called and asked if i'm daring enough to handle a low-back gown...
hmm...haha.
all this while as i'm typing, the words i so yearn to scream out are:
GOTTA DANCE GOTTA DANCE GOTTA DANCE!!!!
man...i'm going nuts.
i miss singing...i miss dancing...i miss studying.
but i still love my job. =)
for now, phoneCAST still has my heart.
i got two smses when i awoke at eight this morning.
one from bubba and the other from ray.
both said i looked great last night...plus, bubba said i remind him of a chimichanga!
you know what...i'm so brain-dead i'd better stop here before someone screams at me for writing shallow shit.
i sing, because i'm happy
and i sing, because i'm free.
Please lock me away
And don't allow the day
Here inside where I hide
With my loneliness
I don't care what they say
I won't stay in a world without love.
this beatles tune has been like one of those stingers that consume your mind at the most inappropriate of times.
like...when i'm in loo...then i'll come out of it and tell angus about the song.
and then he gives me this funny look...haha.
sheesh...another beatles song just popped into mind...
All My Lovin'
Close your eyes and I'll kiss you
Tomorrow I'll miss you
Remember I'll always be true
And then while I'm away
I'll write home everyday
And I'll send all my lovin' to you
I'll pretend that I'm kissing
The lips I am missing
And hope that my dreams will come true
And then while I'm away
I'll write home everyday
And I'll send all my lovin' to you.
well, it's good that for once, the songs that keep popping up are fast and seemingly happy tunes.
by the way, Dax just called and asked if i'm daring enough to handle a low-back gown...
hmm...haha.
all this while as i'm typing, the words i so yearn to scream out are:
GOTTA DANCE GOTTA DANCE GOTTA DANCE!!!!
man...i'm going nuts.
i miss singing...i miss dancing...i miss studying.
but i still love my job. =)
for now, phoneCAST still has my heart.
i got two smses when i awoke at eight this morning.
one from bubba and the other from ray.
both said i looked great last night...plus, bubba said i remind him of a chimichanga!
you know what...i'm so brain-dead i'd better stop here before someone screams at me for writing shallow shit.
i sing, because i'm happy
and i sing, because i'm free.
The Way You Look Tonight
Someday...when I'm awfully low
When the world is cold
I would feel the glow
Just thinking of you...
And the way you look tonight.
i wore the red hot dress tonight. with the red hot shoes.
it wasn't till we were a little through the rehearsal that i realized everything looked and felt so wrong.
wrong dress, wrong shoes, wrong occasion.
dang.
so what did the gown designer who was helping us with the ballroom deco do?
he offered to design a gown for me. for free.
like...HELLO?!
this guy designs stuff for the women of society who attend balls and stuff, and he's designing a dress for me. how cool is that?
i'm still in shock. and fatigued.
GOTTA DANCE.
- Gene Kelly, Singing In The Rain
Someday...when I'm awfully low
When the world is cold
I would feel the glow
Just thinking of you...
And the way you look tonight.
i wore the red hot dress tonight. with the red hot shoes.
it wasn't till we were a little through the rehearsal that i realized everything looked and felt so wrong.
wrong dress, wrong shoes, wrong occasion.
dang.
so what did the gown designer who was helping us with the ballroom deco do?
he offered to design a gown for me. for free.
like...HELLO?!
this guy designs stuff for the women of society who attend balls and stuff, and he's designing a dress for me. how cool is that?
i'm still in shock. and fatigued.
GOTTA DANCE.
- Gene Kelly, Singing In The Rain
Saturday, November 06, 2004
Don't Get Me Wrong
yes, that's the title of a song.
in any case, i'd like to explain my previous blog.
i don't have an interest in melvin...i just think he's a pretty interesting guy, given his background and all.
salsa is a social dance, but no, i don't learn salsa to pick up guys.
I DON'T PICK GUYS UP.
if you thought i'm hoping someone would sweep me off my feet into couplehood, you're wrong.
i seriously was just wishing for someone to dance with me.
okay...now that that's done, i'd better be getting some work done before heading down for the YCSOG 50th Anniversary Celebrations full-dress rehearsal.
see you again in a bit. =)
yes, that's the title of a song.
in any case, i'd like to explain my previous blog.
i don't have an interest in melvin...i just think he's a pretty interesting guy, given his background and all.
salsa is a social dance, but no, i don't learn salsa to pick up guys.
I DON'T PICK GUYS UP.
if you thought i'm hoping someone would sweep me off my feet into couplehood, you're wrong.
i seriously was just wishing for someone to dance with me.
okay...now that that's done, i'd better be getting some work done before heading down for the YCSOG 50th Anniversary Celebrations full-dress rehearsal.
see you again in a bit. =)
Dance With Me
man...i know not a single word of proper hokkien, but hell...MACHI and MISSY ELLIOT's music video/song "Jump, Work It" is HOT!
it's the perfect fusion of asian and american rap.
coolness.
fiesta was rather tame today, and the floor was practically empty.
as expected, eddie danced with diana the whole way through.
i think my main dance partner of the night was melvin.
we might just head down to union square wednesday evening (the eve of deepavali)...we'll see.
melvin and i had quite a chat at macs after fiesta.
he's interesting.
oh well, he danced with me.
'nuff said.
*remember the time i just wished that someone would ask me to dance? =)
man...i know not a single word of proper hokkien, but hell...MACHI and MISSY ELLIOT's music video/song "Jump, Work It" is HOT!
it's the perfect fusion of asian and american rap.
coolness.
fiesta was rather tame today, and the floor was practically empty.
as expected, eddie danced with diana the whole way through.
i think my main dance partner of the night was melvin.
we might just head down to union square wednesday evening (the eve of deepavali)...we'll see.
melvin and i had quite a chat at macs after fiesta.
he's interesting.
oh well, he danced with me.
'nuff said.
*remember the time i just wished that someone would ask me to dance? =)
Wednesday, November 03, 2004
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
Breaking Up Is Hard To Do
i suppose this is as close to a break-up as i'd get for now.
i still feel a nagging ache somewhere in my heart.
my mind keeps replaying this afternoon's scene.
i don't suppose he realized how painful it was for me to say those words...and hold the tears in.
now that he isn't looking, and neither is anyone else, i'm free to cry.
it wasn't easy, but it HAD to be done.
i feel shut out.
the moment i said those words, it was like...he just shut me out.
and it hurts to feel that way.
and this is just 10 months before.
how would it be when the time comes?
would i lose everyone else as well?
i suppose this is as close to a break-up as i'd get for now.
i still feel a nagging ache somewhere in my heart.
my mind keeps replaying this afternoon's scene.
i don't suppose he realized how painful it was for me to say those words...and hold the tears in.
now that he isn't looking, and neither is anyone else, i'm free to cry.
it wasn't easy, but it HAD to be done.
i feel shut out.
the moment i said those words, it was like...he just shut me out.
and it hurts to feel that way.
and this is just 10 months before.
how would it be when the time comes?
would i lose everyone else as well?
Monday, November 01, 2004
Can't Smile Without You
if there's one thing i learnt during my days in SIA, it's gotta be this:
a smile DOES beget a smile.
and that was evident at last night's teck ghee RC campfire.
the kids who were afraid, yet curious of the lions, smiled at me as i approached.
the heads of the scout association smiled at me.
the organizers smiled at me.
the PM smiled at me.
the PM's bodyguards smiled at me.
my brother and sister scouts smiled at me.
and i smiled right back.
i smiled.
and because i did, everything turned out all right.
well, almost everything.
dang. =)
if there's one thing i learnt during my days in SIA, it's gotta be this:
a smile DOES beget a smile.
and that was evident at last night's teck ghee RC campfire.
the kids who were afraid, yet curious of the lions, smiled at me as i approached.
the heads of the scout association smiled at me.
the organizers smiled at me.
the PM smiled at me.
the PM's bodyguards smiled at me.
my brother and sister scouts smiled at me.
and i smiled right back.
i smiled.
and because i did, everything turned out all right.
well, almost everything.
dang. =)
I Need Guts. Like, Really.
nice men. polite. good-looking. sturdy.
please tell me what the hell's wrong with me.
this is totally ridiculous.
can you imagine how many times i've avoided eye contact just because i get smiles and vibes i can't decipher from these guys?
today was one good example.
i'm too shy to even post what happened...or did not happen...here.
WHY SERENE? WHY?
nice men. polite. good-looking. sturdy.
please tell me what the hell's wrong with me.
this is totally ridiculous.
can you imagine how many times i've avoided eye contact just because i get smiles and vibes i can't decipher from these guys?
today was one good example.
i'm too shy to even post what happened...or did not happen...here.
WHY SERENE? WHY?
Sunday, October 31, 2004
The Edge
so here i am, with my copy of the edge and my computer screen filled with notes for my global markets outlook for tomorrow morning.
actually, i'm sitting in a sea of applications, prospectus and other stacks of god-knows what. yes, i'm sitting on my bed.
i'm sick at the thought of not living up to my promise as a scout leader. i haven't been going about sundays with my boys the way i've wanted to. i've become quite the bitch...often because i'm in a foul mood.
i shall attribute the mood to the lack of sleep.
just last night, a couple of leaders started calling me PANDA...and i really don't blame them, because it's true! my dark circles have become so evident that even copious amounts of concealer won't be able to contain them.
frankly, i don't know what's been keeping me up every night. it's not like i have so much work to do that i can't even afford to sleep. eversince ashley came on board, my work load has been loads lighter. but me being me, i'd take the world's burdens on my shoulders if i could.
i'd like to apologize to everyone for being snappy at times. i just hate last-minute surprises...they throw me totally off schedule.
our scout group's celebrating our 50th anniversary this year, and the big day is just two weeks from now. i just can't wait for it to be over, really.
i mean...it's been a fun journey. but now that everyone's getting restless, and i'm getting increasingly stressed out by something else (no, not work), i just want time to concentrate on relieving my stress. and that means less focus on scouts for a while.
sometimes, i wish my scouts would be a little more sensitive. there're some nonsense that i simply can't stand...and i realize the lot of them have become increasingly annoying.
the nice ones have become little twits...but some have ducked out from under the radar to shine through. and those are the ones i'm truly proud of...and the ones i have to apologize to for being so cranky at times.
i've placed too many expectations on the group under me. i'm perpetuating the very thing i've been going against all my life - to live up to no one's expectations but my very own.
my only hope now is that i've helped them gain some direction, and that they can find their own way from now.
you know...if only they could show me that they can take care of themselves...i wouldn't be so upset and hesitant.
but i shouldn't complain. they're 13. sure, they're wise beyond their years but still...they worry only about what other 13-year-olds would.
i just wish...that going away wouldn't be so difficult.
even if it's a whole year away.
so here i am, with my copy of the edge and my computer screen filled with notes for my global markets outlook for tomorrow morning.
actually, i'm sitting in a sea of applications, prospectus and other stacks of god-knows what. yes, i'm sitting on my bed.
i'm sick at the thought of not living up to my promise as a scout leader. i haven't been going about sundays with my boys the way i've wanted to. i've become quite the bitch...often because i'm in a foul mood.
i shall attribute the mood to the lack of sleep.
just last night, a couple of leaders started calling me PANDA...and i really don't blame them, because it's true! my dark circles have become so evident that even copious amounts of concealer won't be able to contain them.
frankly, i don't know what's been keeping me up every night. it's not like i have so much work to do that i can't even afford to sleep. eversince ashley came on board, my work load has been loads lighter. but me being me, i'd take the world's burdens on my shoulders if i could.
i'd like to apologize to everyone for being snappy at times. i just hate last-minute surprises...they throw me totally off schedule.
our scout group's celebrating our 50th anniversary this year, and the big day is just two weeks from now. i just can't wait for it to be over, really.
i mean...it's been a fun journey. but now that everyone's getting restless, and i'm getting increasingly stressed out by something else (no, not work), i just want time to concentrate on relieving my stress. and that means less focus on scouts for a while.
sometimes, i wish my scouts would be a little more sensitive. there're some nonsense that i simply can't stand...and i realize the lot of them have become increasingly annoying.
the nice ones have become little twits...but some have ducked out from under the radar to shine through. and those are the ones i'm truly proud of...and the ones i have to apologize to for being so cranky at times.
i've placed too many expectations on the group under me. i'm perpetuating the very thing i've been going against all my life - to live up to no one's expectations but my very own.
my only hope now is that i've helped them gain some direction, and that they can find their own way from now.
you know...if only they could show me that they can take care of themselves...i wouldn't be so upset and hesitant.
but i shouldn't complain. they're 13. sure, they're wise beyond their years but still...they worry only about what other 13-year-olds would.
i just wish...that going away wouldn't be so difficult.
even if it's a whole year away.
I Got A Crush On You
is it so taboo to exclaim your crush on a certain someone?
well, it shouldn't be.
crushes are meant to be fun and healthy. most relationships of any kind kick off as crushes.
just friday, ashley (while in a van of a few analysts and PR people) said out loud "don't you think adrian is cute?"
okay, so adrian is this analyst we met at a site visit (who, of course, didn't get on the van with us).
i think it was his voice and his accent that got to her...cuz, strip off those two factors, he's just pretty ordinary. of course, that's just my opinion.
anyways, almost everyone in the van looked totally shocked that ashley would say such a thing out loud.
i could only laugh because i knew that was gonna come out sooner or later.
but seriously, i love ashley to bits. she's an amazing person to hang out with. and we could learn a lot from each other.
i often told myself that, if i were to find a guy cute, i'd go up to him and tell him that to his face. well, that'll only happen if i know i ain't gonna see him again...haha.
i want to have the guts to do something like that. and i'm sure ashley does as well.
however different we may seem to be, we are, in fact, very similar.
i'm not gonna spill our similarities, but if you know me and my insecurities, you'd probably know a little about ashley as well.
sigh.
i have a crush on someone. but trust me, it's just a slight crush...but nevertheless, a crush.
it's been a long time and the feeling is rather alien.
and uncomfortable.
hmm...this sucks.
is it so taboo to exclaim your crush on a certain someone?
well, it shouldn't be.
crushes are meant to be fun and healthy. most relationships of any kind kick off as crushes.
just friday, ashley (while in a van of a few analysts and PR people) said out loud "don't you think adrian is cute?"
okay, so adrian is this analyst we met at a site visit (who, of course, didn't get on the van with us).
i think it was his voice and his accent that got to her...cuz, strip off those two factors, he's just pretty ordinary. of course, that's just my opinion.
anyways, almost everyone in the van looked totally shocked that ashley would say such a thing out loud.
i could only laugh because i knew that was gonna come out sooner or later.
but seriously, i love ashley to bits. she's an amazing person to hang out with. and we could learn a lot from each other.
i often told myself that, if i were to find a guy cute, i'd go up to him and tell him that to his face. well, that'll only happen if i know i ain't gonna see him again...haha.
i want to have the guts to do something like that. and i'm sure ashley does as well.
however different we may seem to be, we are, in fact, very similar.
i'm not gonna spill our similarities, but if you know me and my insecurities, you'd probably know a little about ashley as well.
sigh.
i have a crush on someone. but trust me, it's just a slight crush...but nevertheless, a crush.
it's been a long time and the feeling is rather alien.
and uncomfortable.
hmm...this sucks.
Friday, October 29, 2004
When I Fall In Love
how do you know when you're in love?
do you get extremely intense feelings or fiery flames of passion?
or do you just feel calm and at peace with yourself?
either way, i don't suppose i have ever been in love.
but if love were defined by such feelings, i wonder if i have the capacity to experience pure and intense love.
my invisi-shield is still apparant.
and no matter how much i've changed, i've yet to morph outta that independence mode. but given my plans for the near to distant future, the shield should come in handy.
since my school days, acquaintances and friends alike have been telling me to "let others take care" of me.
how could i?
sure...my physical and material needs are aided by my family, but emotionally, no one's even come close to understanding.
the person who came closest to breaking through that shield was cole. yes...the "legendary coleman", as jas puts it.
i believe we're still soulmates and we'd still be able to complete each other's sentences...but we live in different planes now. he needs to find his way, and i need to find mine.
i'm en route.
things are finally turning around.
i love you all...
and if you love me, you will let me go.
how do you know when you're in love?
do you get extremely intense feelings or fiery flames of passion?
or do you just feel calm and at peace with yourself?
either way, i don't suppose i have ever been in love.
but if love were defined by such feelings, i wonder if i have the capacity to experience pure and intense love.
my invisi-shield is still apparant.
and no matter how much i've changed, i've yet to morph outta that independence mode. but given my plans for the near to distant future, the shield should come in handy.
since my school days, acquaintances and friends alike have been telling me to "let others take care" of me.
how could i?
sure...my physical and material needs are aided by my family, but emotionally, no one's even come close to understanding.
the person who came closest to breaking through that shield was cole. yes...the "legendary coleman", as jas puts it.
i believe we're still soulmates and we'd still be able to complete each other's sentences...but we live in different planes now. he needs to find his way, and i need to find mine.
i'm en route.
things are finally turning around.
i love you all...
and if you love me, you will let me go.
Wednesday, October 27, 2004
Fly Away
so you know what that song means to me.
when i first heard it, i already got a mental music video going...starring me.
you know, i can't reveal more till everything's in the clear.
till then, go check this out:
phonecast.blogspot.com
bookmark it, visit it, and leave some comments ;)
we'd love to hear from you.
so you know what that song means to me.
when i first heard it, i already got a mental music video going...starring me.
you know, i can't reveal more till everything's in the clear.
till then, go check this out:
phonecast.blogspot.com
bookmark it, visit it, and leave some comments ;)
we'd love to hear from you.
Monday, October 25, 2004
i guess what i really meant in my previous entry is this:
it's simple to blame everyone else in the world for what you can't do.
but now that you can do those things, it'll take courage to finally accept that it's happening.
i'm scared shitless...and kinda lost, even though i know this is what i wanted for eight long years.
but i'm gonna "just nike it".
"Courage is not the absence of fear. It is conquering your fear."
- Rudy Guliani
it's simple to blame everyone else in the world for what you can't do.
but now that you can do those things, it'll take courage to finally accept that it's happening.
i'm scared shitless...and kinda lost, even though i know this is what i wanted for eight long years.
but i'm gonna "just nike it".
"Courage is not the absence of fear. It is conquering your fear."
- Rudy Guliani
Sunday, October 24, 2004
My So-Called Life
you know when limits keep you from achieving your personal ambitions?
you know when those limits are your parents?
i've just had THAT conversation with mine...and trust me, it was an emotional experience.
there are times when i felt that my parents were getting a little accusatory, and i got defensive.
when i got a little agitated, i stopped and took a long, deep breath. then went on.
i figure that they realize how different i am from my peers...or even people older than me.
but it is that very difference they're afraid of.
they're worried that because i'm so unlike the rest of the family, i may just get TOO unconventional.
but, by the end of the talk, i got my message across with great conviction, and they were convinced.
we've come a long way, my parents and i.
they know my pain...and i, their worries.
they worry that someday, i'll find my own way about and leave them.
i guess that's what all parents fear.
in any case, i've put their minds to rest and they've given me the green light.
it's now just a matter of time before i formally announce my plans.
for now though, they're just plans.
so please, keep my confidence and let me do the talking.
i want you to hear it from me, and not from anyone else.
you know when limits keep you from achieving your personal ambitions?
you know when those limits are your parents?
i've just had THAT conversation with mine...and trust me, it was an emotional experience.
there are times when i felt that my parents were getting a little accusatory, and i got defensive.
when i got a little agitated, i stopped and took a long, deep breath. then went on.
i figure that they realize how different i am from my peers...or even people older than me.
but it is that very difference they're afraid of.
they're worried that because i'm so unlike the rest of the family, i may just get TOO unconventional.
but, by the end of the talk, i got my message across with great conviction, and they were convinced.
we've come a long way, my parents and i.
they know my pain...and i, their worries.
they worry that someday, i'll find my own way about and leave them.
i guess that's what all parents fear.
in any case, i've put their minds to rest and they've given me the green light.
it's now just a matter of time before i formally announce my plans.
for now though, they're just plans.
so please, keep my confidence and let me do the talking.
i want you to hear it from me, and not from anyone else.
What's In A Name?
i have a pretty cool chinese name - shiyin.
let me explain what it means...
shi - poem
yin - music
you'd think that with a name like this, people would remember me.
trouble is: most people don't even know my chinese name.
it wasn't till i started doing the chinese service for phonecast that i managed to get the name out there.
even if i don't say anything, whenever people pick up my name card (like today), they'd naturally comment on my unique and/or musical name.
i love my name. but i didn't always like it.
from the day i knew what my name meant till i was about 18 or so, i thought my name didn't reflect my personality. i suppose neither did my english one.
then, a couple of years later, as i mellowed down, i realized that i sorta grew into my name. though i'm still not so sure about being "poetic".
i totally agree that i'm gifted in music. i have never been formally trained, but i pick up instruments pretty quickly. it's helped in my dancing and singing as well. i never had a problem with beats.
the person who commented on my name this morning is the national rover commissioner and an extremely nice and humble doctor. he had rushed down from the hospital for the baden powell award ceremony. he's nice, and i hope to see more of him in future events. (i know what you're thinking...he's not my kinda guy.)
so i hosted the baden powell awards and frank cooper sands awards today.
i kinda felt like a debutant at a ball.
as people streamed into the hall, i felt like i was being judged by all of them. their eyes scrutinized me from head to toe.
i knew what they were all thinking.
"who's this girl? we haven't seen her before. is she any good? why couldn't they just stick to the old MC?"
those vibes just stuck out. and i'm not being overly-sensitive.
the event went smoothly, and the people were converted. the VIPs were impressed and the attendees can probably recognize me by my smile anywhere now =)
i guess it's just me to want to prove people wrong...or am i simply fulfilling my star profile?
perhaps it's the latter.
i still remember writing that i'm the "reluctant star".
it's like...i may not be comfortable with being in the limelight, but because it comes naturally to me, i am able to handle it.
am i really destined to be a star?
if i am, then what kinda star would i be?
i have a pretty cool chinese name - shiyin.
let me explain what it means...
shi - poem
yin - music
you'd think that with a name like this, people would remember me.
trouble is: most people don't even know my chinese name.
it wasn't till i started doing the chinese service for phonecast that i managed to get the name out there.
even if i don't say anything, whenever people pick up my name card (like today), they'd naturally comment on my unique and/or musical name.
i love my name. but i didn't always like it.
from the day i knew what my name meant till i was about 18 or so, i thought my name didn't reflect my personality. i suppose neither did my english one.
then, a couple of years later, as i mellowed down, i realized that i sorta grew into my name. though i'm still not so sure about being "poetic".
i totally agree that i'm gifted in music. i have never been formally trained, but i pick up instruments pretty quickly. it's helped in my dancing and singing as well. i never had a problem with beats.
the person who commented on my name this morning is the national rover commissioner and an extremely nice and humble doctor. he had rushed down from the hospital for the baden powell award ceremony. he's nice, and i hope to see more of him in future events. (i know what you're thinking...he's not my kinda guy.)
so i hosted the baden powell awards and frank cooper sands awards today.
i kinda felt like a debutant at a ball.
as people streamed into the hall, i felt like i was being judged by all of them. their eyes scrutinized me from head to toe.
i knew what they were all thinking.
"who's this girl? we haven't seen her before. is she any good? why couldn't they just stick to the old MC?"
those vibes just stuck out. and i'm not being overly-sensitive.
the event went smoothly, and the people were converted. the VIPs were impressed and the attendees can probably recognize me by my smile anywhere now =)
i guess it's just me to want to prove people wrong...or am i simply fulfilling my star profile?
perhaps it's the latter.
i still remember writing that i'm the "reluctant star".
it's like...i may not be comfortable with being in the limelight, but because it comes naturally to me, i am able to handle it.
am i really destined to be a star?
if i am, then what kinda star would i be?
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
Well I Love A Rainy Night
the song by eddie rabbit popped into mind as we were driving home from the airport this morning.
it was almost 4am, the roads were empty, and lightning flashes from above once every ten seconds.
we had gotten mom from the airport at a little later than three because her flight from Narita was majorly delayed. i mean, she was supposed to have landed at 12am!
now what really got me thinking was the lightning.
so what was so special about the lightning this morning?
while most of you were sleeping, i caught the rare occurrance of thick bolts of sheer energy...without the thunder.
and you may find it odd of me to say this, but i found it rather scary.
i'm accustomed to hearing thunder after chancing lightning...and if something that you always thought of as a continuing act of nature doesn't happen, it freaks the hell outta you.
especially with such huge bolts lightning, you'd expect some major vibration on your car seat window panel.
NONE. ZILCH. NADA.
three-quarters of the way home and still no thunder and rain.
i panicked.
then slowly, i hear progressing patter-rhythms.
boy was i relieved.
anyways, i have a theory about all this, but i'm way too smashed to type anymore. i'm heading back to bed for a couple of hours before heading downtown for an interview.
good night world.
and stay tuned...=)
the song by eddie rabbit popped into mind as we were driving home from the airport this morning.
it was almost 4am, the roads were empty, and lightning flashes from above once every ten seconds.
we had gotten mom from the airport at a little later than three because her flight from Narita was majorly delayed. i mean, she was supposed to have landed at 12am!
now what really got me thinking was the lightning.
so what was so special about the lightning this morning?
while most of you were sleeping, i caught the rare occurrance of thick bolts of sheer energy...without the thunder.
and you may find it odd of me to say this, but i found it rather scary.
i'm accustomed to hearing thunder after chancing lightning...and if something that you always thought of as a continuing act of nature doesn't happen, it freaks the hell outta you.
especially with such huge bolts lightning, you'd expect some major vibration on your car seat window panel.
NONE. ZILCH. NADA.
three-quarters of the way home and still no thunder and rain.
i panicked.
then slowly, i hear progressing patter-rhythms.
boy was i relieved.
anyways, i have a theory about all this, but i'm way too smashed to type anymore. i'm heading back to bed for a couple of hours before heading downtown for an interview.
good night world.
and stay tuned...=)
Saturday, October 16, 2004
when you're outta sorts, nothing can yank you back up.
not even dancing.
all of my partners today could tell that i wasn't myself. some asked if i was tired, or had a CEO bully me...and worse still, it showed in my dancing!
i couldn't follow as well as i did the last week, and i even missED out simple cues! this is dumb.
i feel horrible.
i shouldn't have gone to the airport...and gotten interrogated about my trip...and being labeled "selfish" when i said i didn't get what i wanted out of the trip.
fuck. if i were really that selfish, i would've demanded they bring me to the places i wanted to go.
sure, punish me for keeping my mouth shut and being sensitive to the needs of my mom and aunt.
I AM MAJORLY DISAPPOINTED AND PISSED.
not even dancing.
all of my partners today could tell that i wasn't myself. some asked if i was tired, or had a CEO bully me...and worse still, it showed in my dancing!
i couldn't follow as well as i did the last week, and i even missED out simple cues! this is dumb.
i feel horrible.
i shouldn't have gone to the airport...and gotten interrogated about my trip...and being labeled "selfish" when i said i didn't get what i wanted out of the trip.
fuck. if i were really that selfish, i would've demanded they bring me to the places i wanted to go.
sure, punish me for keeping my mouth shut and being sensitive to the needs of my mom and aunt.
I AM MAJORLY DISAPPOINTED AND PISSED.
Friday, October 15, 2004
The Long And Winding Road
which would you prefer: chicken rice or shepard's pie?
i guess it really boils down to what about chicken rice you like. do you like the flavor of the rice? the taste of the chicken? the condiments that go along with it?
or do you just like chicken?
what do you like about shepard's pie then? is it the myriad of ingredients that make it so irresistable? or does the copious amount of carbohydrates in the form of potatoes make your mouth water?
or do you just like chicken?
i suppose we can liken ourselves to the chicken rice, shepard's pies, and other what-nots.
we're all as different as can be.
but if we can all find the chicken within ourselves, the world would be a much better place.
we'd be able to understand each other better...maybe we wouldn't even need to speak to communicate then.
what would the world be like without words?
hmm...taking into account that i do talk too much at times, i suggest you go find the duck within yourself instead.
which would you prefer: chicken rice or shepard's pie?
i guess it really boils down to what about chicken rice you like. do you like the flavor of the rice? the taste of the chicken? the condiments that go along with it?
or do you just like chicken?
what do you like about shepard's pie then? is it the myriad of ingredients that make it so irresistable? or does the copious amount of carbohydrates in the form of potatoes make your mouth water?
or do you just like chicken?
i suppose we can liken ourselves to the chicken rice, shepard's pies, and other what-nots.
we're all as different as can be.
but if we can all find the chicken within ourselves, the world would be a much better place.
we'd be able to understand each other better...maybe we wouldn't even need to speak to communicate then.
what would the world be like without words?
hmm...taking into account that i do talk too much at times, i suggest you go find the duck within yourself instead.
And Then She Smiled.
all tired and stressed out after an evening of information overload.
when you're in a room of industry experts, it's natural for you to feel small...but i'm glad i held myself up well. and because i did so, the people from AREIT actually approached me to offer their assistance in helping me understand real estate investment trusts. hmm...i may just take up their offer.
other than trying to decipher the sheets of figures and jargon, i'd say last night was rather relaxing. sure, i had shit loads to do, but the pace felt leisurely.
days pass and i'm beginning to trust in my instincts more.
just two nights ago, i felt extremely confused and ruffled. now, i'm sure that with my abilities, i'd be able to reconcile my interests some.
i will have to make sacrifices and some of the people i love will feel betrayed.
but i pray that you'll understand my decision...i've been waiting for this, most of my young life.
this is just another one of those challenges serene has to take...it's, again, one of those sink-or-swim kinda things she subjects herself to.
don't worry, i haven't made a decision.
and don't worry about me. =)
i broke into a smile while on the bus yesterday. i looked goofy. but it was genuine.
all tired and stressed out after an evening of information overload.
when you're in a room of industry experts, it's natural for you to feel small...but i'm glad i held myself up well. and because i did so, the people from AREIT actually approached me to offer their assistance in helping me understand real estate investment trusts. hmm...i may just take up their offer.
other than trying to decipher the sheets of figures and jargon, i'd say last night was rather relaxing. sure, i had shit loads to do, but the pace felt leisurely.
days pass and i'm beginning to trust in my instincts more.
just two nights ago, i felt extremely confused and ruffled. now, i'm sure that with my abilities, i'd be able to reconcile my interests some.
i will have to make sacrifices and some of the people i love will feel betrayed.
but i pray that you'll understand my decision...i've been waiting for this, most of my young life.
this is just another one of those challenges serene has to take...it's, again, one of those sink-or-swim kinda things she subjects herself to.
don't worry, i haven't made a decision.
and don't worry about me. =)
i broke into a smile while on the bus yesterday. i looked goofy. but it was genuine.
Thursday, October 14, 2004
this dawned on me while making milo a few minutes ago:
i need to go far far away.
so if i ever get scared and want to scurry into my little corner, i can't.
i'd be compelled to build a corner somewhere else, where i am.
i can only go when i'm ready.
and i will be ready.
but when i am, will you be ready to let me go?
i need to go far far away.
so if i ever get scared and want to scurry into my little corner, i can't.
i'd be compelled to build a corner somewhere else, where i am.
i can only go when i'm ready.
and i will be ready.
but when i am, will you be ready to let me go?
Wednesday, October 13, 2004
i've discovered something rather unsettling about me through my discussions with ashley.
let's just say if you're a guy cradling your baby, you've got my attention.
this is way too odd.
perhaps hanging around with my kids has changed my attitude towards family.
and relationships.
NOT.
i'm still the person singaporean men would find to be too outspoken, liberal and feisty.
and i'm still the person caucasian men find to be less exotic and asian.
so yes, i'm stuck in the middle...haha.
nobody likes me, everybody hates me, i'm gonna eat some worms.
let's just say if you're a guy cradling your baby, you've got my attention.
this is way too odd.
perhaps hanging around with my kids has changed my attitude towards family.
and relationships.
NOT.
i'm still the person singaporean men would find to be too outspoken, liberal and feisty.
and i'm still the person caucasian men find to be less exotic and asian.
so yes, i'm stuck in the middle...haha.
nobody likes me, everybody hates me, i'm gonna eat some worms.
it's THE year.
and according to previous promises, it should be fine if i were to broach the subject again.
but i'm afraid of the response i may get.
i'm afraid i may not be able to take it this time around.
i've never wanted anything else so much...and for so long.
please...please don't disappoint me.
and according to previous promises, it should be fine if i were to broach the subject again.
but i'm afraid of the response i may get.
i'm afraid i may not be able to take it this time around.
i've never wanted anything else so much...and for so long.
please...please don't disappoint me.
"Can You Give Me A Summary Of The Main Events?"
when someone hasn't kept up with your blog for a while, and asks you to summarize what you've been up to since the last time he checked, could you?
it's like the time when someone, whom i haven't met for a year, asked me what i've been doing for the past year...and expected me to give a 10- to 20-minute summary.
if i could compact my year into 10 minutes, i would. but i can't. and i refuse to. because my life isn't worth 10 minutes of your time...or 20...or 30 even.
please slap me if i ever relent to such a summary.
my life is an adventure. my days are different. daily events aren't mundane. and work is a joy.
i am living, not simply existing.
i'm savoring the beauty of sin, mediocrity and morbidity.
i am INSATIABLE...always searching for a new high. day after day after day.
my life, as i now understand it, is no longer a FARCE.
and LOVE shall be my guiding LIGHT...as i take my boys, my friends, my acquaintances and me to the next level.
MUSIC IS MY RELIGION.
when someone hasn't kept up with your blog for a while, and asks you to summarize what you've been up to since the last time he checked, could you?
it's like the time when someone, whom i haven't met for a year, asked me what i've been doing for the past year...and expected me to give a 10- to 20-minute summary.
if i could compact my year into 10 minutes, i would. but i can't. and i refuse to. because my life isn't worth 10 minutes of your time...or 20...or 30 even.
please slap me if i ever relent to such a summary.
my life is an adventure. my days are different. daily events aren't mundane. and work is a joy.
i am living, not simply existing.
i'm savoring the beauty of sin, mediocrity and morbidity.
i am INSATIABLE...always searching for a new high. day after day after day.
my life, as i now understand it, is no longer a FARCE.
and LOVE shall be my guiding LIGHT...as i take my boys, my friends, my acquaintances and me to the next level.
MUSIC IS MY RELIGION.
Tuesday, October 12, 2004
"You've Got The Gift"
when a buncha old fogeys tell you that you've got the gift, they really mean it.
i jammed with a whole buncha old folks tonight...man...i'm pretty sure they could've done the funky chicken all night long.
so these are the songs i'll be doing with them:
1) Imagine
2) Desperado (YAY!!!)
3) I Will Survive
4) You've Got A Friend
5) Separate Lives (the one that's playing on my blog right now)
while the rest went to the loo, DP, Andrew and I tried out Now and Forever and If I Ain't Got You...and i realized i could do both songs as well.
the latter is a very interesting song to sing. some people would apply vocal gymnastics to it, but pure and simple sounds good enough ;)
singing I Will Survive is definitely a step outta the box. it's so unlike the ballads that i usually do.
and i surprised the guys by just spouting out the lyrics of all those old-time beatles and elvis numbers...haha.
seriously, van morrison should be fun as well...remember Brown-Eyed Girl?
note to self: learn how to play If I Ain't Got You.
i got home past one am...because i just had to have coffee with the guys. and they drove me home.
they're schweet.
when a buncha old fogeys tell you that you've got the gift, they really mean it.
i jammed with a whole buncha old folks tonight...man...i'm pretty sure they could've done the funky chicken all night long.
so these are the songs i'll be doing with them:
1) Imagine
2) Desperado (YAY!!!)
3) I Will Survive
4) You've Got A Friend
5) Separate Lives (the one that's playing on my blog right now)
while the rest went to the loo, DP, Andrew and I tried out Now and Forever and If I Ain't Got You...and i realized i could do both songs as well.
the latter is a very interesting song to sing. some people would apply vocal gymnastics to it, but pure and simple sounds good enough ;)
singing I Will Survive is definitely a step outta the box. it's so unlike the ballads that i usually do.
and i surprised the guys by just spouting out the lyrics of all those old-time beatles and elvis numbers...haha.
seriously, van morrison should be fun as well...remember Brown-Eyed Girl?
note to self: learn how to play If I Ain't Got You.
i got home past one am...because i just had to have coffee with the guys. and they drove me home.
they're schweet.
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