who am i kidding?

how could i ever think i'd have an early night today?

it's almost midnight and i've just finished my last report.

i had so wanted to turn off my computers and head for bed after finishing off the earnings reviews...i did three and voiced all of them. and that was already about 2230hours.

then soon tong tells me he just sent his report.

i sighed and debated if i should just do it in the morning.

in the end, i still kept myself running till now.

it's amusing...how i was crying while typing out the last report...trying hard to concentrate with those tears streaming down my face. i tried so hard to stop because i still needed to voice it...

i guess tonight's another sleepless night.

sleepless because...i'll be crying.

i'm extremely tired...upset...stressed.

and oh...did i mention that i'm sick?

how can i interview the SCS CEO in my state tomorrow...tomorrow will be an early morning all the way through to the evening...then work again till late at night to get the interview ready for release the next morning...then script and worry about the chinese service...

i'm turning into sheep.

tired as i was, i willed myself to walk to the pool. i knew that once i was halfway there, i'd be too bummed to walk back home without at least swimming a few.

rest eluded me last night...and i suppose it'll be the same tonight as well.

those 20 laps i did today provided temporary relief. i would've pushed myself to do 10 more, 'cept that the pool was getting increasingly crowded.

as i settle down to write this and, at the same time, look through possible news stories on my mac to cover for the morning, the fatigue sets in.

i need rest.

but today won't be it.

this week won't be it.

then again, next week wouldn't be it either.

this takes the cake.

i've been working for almost 19 hours straight.

my eyes and brain need a break...but they won't be able to break for long.

i gotta be up in 4 hours.

this is ridiculous.

fatigue hasn't quite set in yet, but it's about to.

let me specify that. i'm about to be mentally fatigued.

perhaps its the stress of the onslaught of things to come in the course of the week that's making me feel so. or is it just my mind playing tricks on me? and that there really isn't that much to do? man...once next tuesday's over, i seriously need a break.

my working hours are a blur. it seems like i'm constantly at work... i know i know...when you love what you do, you don't feel like you're working. but when you spend a huge part of your afternoon (which is your supposed rest time) trying to clear up work so that you can get to bed earlier (which is a freakin' illusion anyways), you gotta wonder: what am i doing?

weeknights never end before 1am, so i reckon i get, at best, five plus hours of sleep...which isn't such a bad deal. but on days when you've got so much on your mind, and there's only so many things you can do in the hours you are awake, sleep is something you yearn...and five hourse just doesn't seem to be enough.

the weekends aren't any different really.

geez...i'm fucking whiney.

my head's about to explode, and thank god the analyst has just sent me his majorly long-winded issue for tomorrow.

i know this is just the beginning...but man, i feel like i'm on the verge of...no no...i don't believe in that.

work beckons. and i'm a good journalist.

bite me.

and ernie, i don't mean you...

sunday came and went...slow.

i did up my market preview while the rovers were banging their heads on the tables, deciding what the scouts' weekend camp should be like. luckily for me, ernie remembers that i'd like a session with them as well, and allocated three hours for me to run an activity for them.

i don't know how many times baby and i exchange "i love you"s in a day.

went to uncle's place today to return his md recorder...and he asked if baby still wanted his help for a-maths. i told him baby's pulled his socks up, and is doing much better now. true enough...baby's looking forward to his a-maths test results tomorrow! i'm so proud of him...

i feel a strange exhilaration...in anticipation of the week (and mayhem) to come.

i guess apart from tomorrow, when i'll meet with the bosses, the rest of the week will be filled with media briefings and a couple of interviews. it'll be helluva week, but i sure am up for it!

sitting around the table with a few leaders from serangoon district, we realized we are all single! and i realized i've at least got some semblance of a social life compared to those guys...and that's odd, because i already think my life's consumed by work and scouts. those guys are so tied down by scouting events and such that...i'm just thinking...if they ain't got scouting achievements and recognition no more, they'd probably be devastated. sure, they complain about not having a life and all, but if one day, headquarters find some other people to be their lackeys, these current ones will probably fall into depression. because without scouting, they're nobody. at least that's what i think they'll feel if that ever happens.

geez...they even joked about forming a "singles" chapter! to which i commented isn't a bad idea at all...because if they're so gung-ho about scouting enough to not have a life, then they'd be more likely to do stuff formed by a group of scout singles than they would with non-scouts... just a thought. i'm rambling again.

there weren't any hugs and kisses today, but plenty of smiles and sights of waves.

and that ain't bad at all.

today reminded me of the stuff yen and i talked about in the cab wednesday night.

she told me that the people who read my blog are usually very worried about me, because although i insist that it's "just writing", the words are poignant enough to hit home. she's right, i guess. my writing may not be prose or such, but i don't know...i guess the people who do read this are those who kinda know what i've been through, and so, know which words or lines to read between.

i also talked to her about grover, and how special he is to me. after all that i said, she told me that it's hard to understand our relationship. it's like...our feelings for each other are so strong that it could even surpass those of a normal romantic one. i told her i found our bond slightly unsettlling as well at first, but wrote it off as an unconditional sorta love later. i call this an unconditional love because i still don't understand it. i'm sure everyone else around us doesn't understand it either. the most innocent party though...could. maybe.

so baby, if you know what this is about, tell sis okay?

this afternoon, grover smsed that he didn't know what to wear to meet us. after i told him to just "wear anything" but make sure he wouldn't feel cold in the cinema, he smsed back.

"baby wanted to say even if i am cold in the cinema, i will still have jie to keep me warm ;)"

it truly warmed my heart...that sms.

then angus asks if i'd "convince him that going out with an older woman isn't so bad" after he grows up...man, i got such a shock from him even mentioning it. i kept shaking my head and saying "i'm not that sorta person"...and he just grinned.

on hindsight, it's probably a good sign that i had such a violent reaction.

this proves that he truly is my precious baby brother.

no matter how turbulent the week may be, the moment he calls me "jie", everything comes to a standstill...for a while. i take a deep breath, hold on to the moment, before i go on with the daily rush.

today was good. but i also get the feeling that today is the last day i'd have grover sleeping with his head on my shoulder like that...for a long time to come. the next two weeks will be total mayhem for the lot of us...and while i'm looking forward to keeping myself busy, i also realize that i'm looking forward to that partially because i wouldn't have time to myself to think too much.

in essence, i would be too busy to miss my baby's hugs...elmo's laughter...cookie's witty reparte...ernie's cheeky grin...big bird's attempts at making me smile...

i'm thinking too much again, aren't i?

sweet innocence kissed me on my cheek today. many, many times.

it's madness, i tell you.

i've been working for two days straight, with five hours of sleep stuffed in between and 40 laps sneaked in. how i managed to hang on till now is truly amazing. i think the thing that's kept me going is passion.

for two days straight, i've attended analyst briefings...networked...goofed up in front of all those who knew each other. but it was sorta interesting to be back in the game like that. i ain't a newbie, but it's been awhile since i attended such stuff on a regular basis...make that DAILY.

friday nights were usually chill time. but i guess starting from today, it ain't gonna be.

i just spent the past few hours poring through the copious amounts of information from the singapore computer systems first quarter results press con, sieving through the sound bites and deciding on the crux of the feature. turns out there really isn't a crux...so i did a general overview, inviting people to write in with questions for the CEO (the one with the shiney bald patch) and CFO (the guy who's shorter than eng hai) when i meet them next week.

i can sorta picture next week...with the daily press and analyst briefings. wonder how i'll make it through the week...hmm...

i'm so so tired right now...not so much physically, but mentally rather. and that surprises me. because apart from the 40 laps split between two days and the distances i've walked in heels, i should be totally bummed out by now. instead, i'm still sitting here, typing (albeit "clockworking") and waiting for baby to come home.

by the way, i managed to hold someone's gaze for quite some time today...and that's a feat in itself. by the end of the briefing, i was so mentally gone that i had to shut my eyes for a while on the train. the guy was interesting. the company was interesting. if i had the money, i'd definitely buy their products...weeee....

okay, so i'm rambling now.

baby...come home quick...sis' brain cells are disintegrating with every passing second...

today was amazing!

well actually, it went on pretty much like any other day...but hell...i feel good!

between coming home from SIASR in the later afternoon and going for the singapore computer systems press conference, i managed to squeeze in 20 laps at the pool! man i feel fantastic...and the best thing is: i think my stamina's on its way back. slow and steady does it...;) let's see if i can repeat this feat tomorrow...highly unlikely, but you never know...

the press conference reminded me of my days at newsradio, 'cept that, those days i was a tad bit younger and lacked the confidence that i think i have now. like i kept telling everyone earlier, it's a tiring day, but i've so lovin' it. i remember when i was still in school, i'd often be in awe of the big shots i'd have to interview...purely because they were CEOs of SME 500 companies and all. today, i could even speak and joke with them prior to the press conference. one thing about me that they probably saw as well...that i was, under all that professional shit, a really cheeky girl. i say that because i realize my grin gives me away. it was especially evident when eng hai told the chief financial officer that i am a "very talented girl". i think i couldn't have blushed more because i was already red from the afternoon's swim! the CEO made me laugh...haha...well, the way he looked made me laugh, rather. he had a bald patch on his head that was really shiney...and damn it, was it distracting...

bar by bar, she bends them and sneaks out...

it's odd...but i do feel like i'm just beginning to make an impact. this isn't an ego trip, and i don't need big people to get me anywhere. i will get to where i'm meant to be, just by being me... these people see something i don't, but i reckon it's something special...:)

so from today on, i'm just gonna grin my silly grin, laugh my goofy laugh and do everything else that is uniquely serene. i'm real...get that.

and oh...something else that i was thinking about on the train ride home today... again, i sat at the head of the train so i could lean against the pyrex panel for support and stare out into the tunnel. today, i found myself concentrating on the partitions in the tunnel rather than the music that was pounding my ears. the journey home seemed especially draggy then. then i realized...those days when i just shut my eyes and focussed on the music, i got home in a jiff. so that got me thinkin'...most times, we lament about our "humdrum" lives and how long our days seem to pass by. today got me thinking that perhaps those days, we feel totally off because we focus on the wrong things. so lean back, close your eyes, let the music take you...and let passion take over for a bit. you'll be surprised at how clear things'll seem after that.

because i'm worth it.

"baby loves you..."

schweetness, i tell ya. my baby loves me...;)

i've rediscovered desperado. it's done by this japanese female called emi fujita and she's fabulous! her vulnerability shines through. i hope i'll be able to carry this song the way she does...one day.

the old serene's raging to break out of those stainless steel bars...

i surprised myself by wanting to do a thousand and one things today, and tomorrow, and beyond. if i'm gonna have to build up my credibility in journalism from scratch, i might as well do it well...with a little help from my old friends from newsradio, of course.

in due time, the world will know me as i am...a driven, determined and most importantly, people-oriented journalist.

i will make myself known. mark my words.

fellas, i promise to hug you guys no matter how stinky, disgusting and sweaty i may be...and i'll expect you to do likewise!

sis loves you...

love shall keep us alive.

someone asked me a question about retirement today, and angus said something really hilarious...

"now you've got her going...you'll probably see your answer on her blog in three days!"

it's true.

this guy we both met up with today...he's one of our frequent callers with a very interesting profile.

anyways...it felt so odd when we met, because he kept saying "i finally get to meet serene".

sounds like something someone would say to a celebrity huh?

i guess i AM a reluctant star...haha.

i need to harness my strengths and work on my weaknesses.

the power of attraction. *evil grin*

clockwork.

that's how i did things today.

i need this week to regroup and rejuvenate.

hopefully, come the weekend and next week, i'll have the old me back.

the serene i miss.

the rain's been falling for three days straight.

i thought i wouldn't be drenched today but i was...horribly drenched.

i guess today marks the end of chapter 2.

today was the only day the sstt didn't hug each other when they left.

it's a sad end to this chapter, and the rain didn't help.

tomorrow marks the beginning of yet a new page in the book.

"oscar stands alone".

it's been a while since we've cried together, hasn't it?

i know we aren't leaving each other, but my heart's just consumed with an irrepressible sadness...

it's like...it's telling me that things are so gonna change after today.

i want my head to take over now.

but if it does take over...the sstt will cease to exist.

stuck in the middle again.

i love you grover...my sweetie, my baby, my jiahao. sis just needs a break...she's not leaving you.

elmie...i'm glad things are better for you...i'm missing you already.

ernie...i need your hug.

cookie...don't let the chain break.

everyone else...i just need a rest...don't worry.

i struggle to find my place
in a world filled with lies, pain and disgrace.

i cling on to the hope of salvation
in every devastation.

i carry the weight of the world upon my shoulders
because i need to.

but do i, really?

what if i can't bear the burden no more
and crumble, right there?

would they think i've...changed?

and how could i have changed
when all i ever was, was just me?

i'm beginning to function
like an emotionless being.

i just answered a message like clockwork.

and another one.

i thought my walls were peeling
but they were, in fact, reinforcing.

i wonder when i'll be able
to look in the mirror and not see a weakling; a failure.

not today, that's for sure.

why can't i experience love without falling?

why can't i let love in?

i wonder if my time is up in ycsog.

i mean...my season's over, ain't it?

no matter how much i put into things these days, i still end up feeling like i haven't done much.

then i isolate myself to think things through.

how am i going to face the sea of green tomorrow?

how am i going to face the elders and speak like i did two months ago?

i don't know.

but i'm serene, and i don't run away from such things just because i'm scared.

i will persevere...and be the leader they want me to be.

and because i have the courage to face up to these people, even when i ain't too confident of myself...

i will not tolerate anyone who puts me down.

so don't you dare.

i'm finally doing it...

i've always talked about re-grouping and all, and today, i've committed myself to taking that first step.

i'm sorry guys...you know how strong i need to be. i can't crumble.

so yes...good night world.

and good morning to a new serene.

sis needs to leave for awhile, dear sstt.

she's tired.

i'm so, so tired.

but i don't know what's wearing me out.

i went for a much-needed dip in the pool this afternoon.

it was perfect.

no kids, less than 10 people around the complex...splendid.

then i came home and started looking through the things i have to do.

i had an online conversation with someone, who totally pissed me off with his questions.

i guess i got impatient with the guy, and just told him it's pointless for me to explain further.

i started on my reports.

i tried so hard to hold back my tears...simply because i had to voice my reports later.

but when baby came on and yelled "jie jie"...i couldn't hold on anymore.

so i retreated from the conversation to concentrate on my work.

now that i've finished those...

fall away tears.

baby...

come into the light.

let me wipe the tears from your face.

let me take you into my arms.

let me love you.

it's all right to falter.

no matter how dim a star gets, it always twinkles.

you are my star.

and i'll keep you shining, if it's the last thing i do.

whistle down the wind
let your voices carry
drown out all the rain
light a patch of darkness
treacherous and scary

howl at the stars
whisper when you're sleeping
i'll be there to hold you
i'll be there to stop
the tears and all the weeping

make it clear and strong
so the whole night long
every signal that you send
until the very end
i will not abandon you my precious friend

so try and stem the tide
then you'll raise a banner
send a flare up in the sky
try to burn a torch
and try to build a bonfire

every signal that you send
until the very end
i'm there

so whistle down the wind
for i have always been

right there.

- Whistle Down the Wind

this is the first song i did for musical theater class.

this was the only song cole heard me sing.

this is one song that's close to my heart.

because this song is about friendship.

it's never meant this much to me before...

but now, i'm wishing we could all just sit around a bonfire one night, and let me sing this to you.

always know that sis is right around the corner.

all it takes is a hop and a skip.

fatigue.

it's been a while since we've met.

this time around, i won't let you take me...

and the people i love.

but should you feel the need to feed...

then yes. feed off me.

my baby brother needs to live.

leave him alone.

you stand in the rain
fighting the urge to step back in
clinging on to the hope that the sky will clear

you close your eyes
and try to embrace the rain
but it gets more torrential

you wonder if it will ever stop
and if it doesn't
will it at least cease to a drizzle

you clench your fists
willing, with every last ounce of resolve
that the patter will end

you feel a tug
and stumble backwards
drawing in a sharp breath

you feel...no more rhythmic patter
and slowly open your eyes
which are stinging from the impurities

you glance around
and as you regain your senses
feel a touch on your arm

you see an acquaintance
and you realize that it was he
who pulled you in from the rain

you get angry
and cry at his insolence
disgusted at his audacity to touch you

you watch him pull out a towel
and drapes it around your shoulders
when you realize that you're shivering

you see him walk away
with a knowing smile
leaving you to stare out at the simmering shower

you realize then
that there are some things
you just have to let go of

catch a falling star and put it in your pocket
never let it fade away
catch a falling star and put it in your pocket
save it for a rainy day...

i still can't believe how i ended up being A STAR.

even more unbelievable is how uncomfortable i am at the idea.

all right...so here's what happened in the last couple of days...

i attended this stealth wealth weekend seminar with angus (who turned out to be a star as well!) and jacqueline (who's one of the eight deal-makers in a crowd of 250!). at the end of the first day, we handed up this questionnaire we had to complete for them to help us determine our profile, which we would know the next morning.

so sunday morning, there i was, standing at the counter and waiting for my profile. the guy who passes it to me takes a peek at it, looks at me and says "interesting...". i mean...what was that supposed to mean?! then jacqueline and angus weren't as surprised when they found out. angus thought i'd be more of a creator than a star. then one guy came up, puts his arm around angus and asks, "are you saying you doubt this girl's a star?" then they all burst out into laughter.

it was odd...the whole of sunday was spent trying to come to terms with why i was "a star". so for those who don't know what i mean, here's my profile:

The Star has natural talent that others notice when it is shown. A unique personality and attributes are reason enough for people to talk about a star. Naturally extroverted, stars will be happy around others and will be quite comfortable being the center of attention. As they also think more intuitively, they will have the ability to create the identity that suits them best.

role models

Stars, naturally, are the easiest of the profiles to spot. After all, the value is in the person. Obvious stars can be found in the sports, music, film and entertainment industries. However, the highest profile CEOs, salespeople and trainers also achieved their wealth by following their natural path as a star.

The highest profile stars are across different industries, including the three Michaels: Michael Jordan, Michael Schumacher and Michael Jackson, every pop star and movie star you could name, and outside of the entertainment industry stars include Richard Branson, Bill Clinton and Anthony Robbins.

strengths and weaknesses

Stars are aware of the strength of their personality and often use this to their advantage, causing disharmony and alienation at times. As a star grows in stature, the value of their time grows, as does the demand on their time. To continue to shine brightly, however, they need to continue to deliver, which can lead to exhaustion and dissatisfaction if they have not learnt how to leverage effectively.

With the stress that comes with increased success, it is natural for a star's ego to often get the better of them. This can lead to them forgetting the winning formula that brought them their wealth, and it is all too easy ot burn out or self-destruct.

Those stars who have ignored their path have often done so because of the bad experiences they have had being in the limelight, and the responsibility that goes with it. Fallen stars have fallen often because their moments of success in the distant past led to burn-out which they somehow took to be permanent. Others have been trained not to draw attention to their natural talents, much as they secretly enjoy it. And others simply lack confidence and knowledge, so tread a careful path incognito, blissfully unaware of the simple steps they could be taking to claim their wealth.

so there you go.

do you think i'm a star? (it's a question...ANSWER IT)

i met a great deal of interesting characters at the seminar...but there were few i actually felt connected to, and felt were...
REAL.

so yes, it takes a lot to engage me.

anyways...one who struck me with his brutal honesty was this guy named robin. and this guy's the GM of toys 'r us in singapore.

it baffled me as well that two people with such different backgrounds and seemingly different personalities could get along so well.

he was bored...and he made no secret of it with his body language and lack of participation. but when i talked to the guy...i saw a spark...and we just kept talking.

rareness.

anyways...after he nominated me to speak for the table on saturday evening, i kinda got more people coming up to me to ask what i did and stuff...i don't know if they were trying to get to know me better, or if they were just interested in selling me stuff...but hell, i was hardly found sitting alone sunday.

sunday evening. as i was about to leave, this guy comes up to me and asks if i'm a star. i said yes. and as i was writing the phonecast url on my namecard, he said "yeah, you look like one." i asked what he meant by that...and he said "you have a glow...and you emanate a certain confidence."

you can imagine how stunned i was. of course, i couldn't let him see that so i just laughed it off.

i guess i still need to accept me...as a star.

right now, i'm glad that i'm a star with more of a human side...

and i hope my star qualities can help me push my scout group to greater heights, as well as continue to inspire.

I AM AN INSPIRATION.

I AM A STAR.

it's been a long two days in a row...

i'll go into detail about my interesting weekend tomorrow.

need to get some shut-eye now.

and oh...I AM A STAR.

it was a mad rush of a day...

but everything seemed to drop to a snail's pace as i was walking from cecil court to chinatown mrt.

i took the usual route but left the office slightly earlier today.

there was fella riding a bicycle in my direction. as the figure got bigger, i realized he was an old man...and there was just something odd about the way he was riding the thing. i was concentrating so hard on him that my surroundings seemed to just fade away. as he passed me, i realized...

the guy was only pedaling with one foot.

this doesn't mean he had only one foot. he had both feet, but his right was hanging limply over the right pedal.

the moving image of the old man kept playing in my head over as i continued my walk towards the mrt station.

then it dawned on me that this guy sat at the same spot every morning - right after the traffic light at south bridge road - amidst the other old geezers peddling their wares. why didn't i recognize him earlier then?

i came to the conclusion that...he wasn't meant to have caught my eye...until today.

i mean...there're people who are part of your daily living. you see them every day, work alongside them and all. so you kinda know that they exist, but you don't really know that they're there.

this old man made cycling with one leg look effortless...but judging by the glimpse of a grimace on his face, he obviously felt some pain.

this guy should be the one on the adidas advert...he'd be the epitome of perseverence and the phrase "impossible's just a word thrown about by losers"....

uncle...you're my hero. i'll try to give you a smile every time i see you...thanks for making me realize how good i have it.

as i left siasr after uploading my reports, eng hai asked if i could host the 4th of May launch...

he also quipped something that's so not eng hai...

"it's great to have you with us!"

i guess that's the kinda compliment a girl needs to get her spirits up. this girl has had a rough night, and a helluva morning as well. so yeah...for the rest of the day, she was running on the steam of eng hai's words.

i also realized that compliments can only hold you up for so long...before you sink back into what got you down in the first place.

because the commendation was made about something you know you're getting better at, not about the thing that got you down.

so yeah...i'm still a little miffed about falling down, but thanks to the bosses' faith in me and eng hai's constant positive reinforcements, i'm getting by.

and oh...angus made me realize why i kinda feel a bond with the sstt.

they reminded me of the "to hell and back" pals i had in camp new hope.

ask me about them the next time you see me if you don't already know.

this is one thing i'd love to share.

now how often does one get the opportunity to write four blogs in a day? ;)

never would i have imagined such a short week without meetings with the bosses could still turn out to be such a roller-coaster ride.

my little bro'll be spending the night as his classmate's place, polishing up their presentation for tomorrow.

my little bro won't be in the next room tonight...and that feels odd.

i won't be able to check on him before i turn in tonight...i guess an sms good night would suffice.

on the flip side, i've got a semblance of a brother right across from where i live.

he looked so peaceful holed up in the sheets earlier.

i feel for him the same way i feel for my blood brother...

in fact, it feels fantabulous to be a big sis to the few i've come to embrace.

i wish them all the best...and hope they will learn to embrace me as the person i'm evolving into.

i wish they'll grow with me.

grover baby.....you're my inspiration, and i hope you'll really treat me as your sis, instead of just saying it. let your heart do the talking. don't wait till it's too late.

elmie.....i appreciate our quiet understanding. take as much time as you need. you know i'll be around for a while.

ernie.....it's okay to falter. you don't need to feel guilty bitching...it's cathartic. thanks for your hugs.

bert.....hmm...seems like you're opening up somewhat. that's cool. but hey...sometimes words aren't necessary, ain't that so?

cookie.....you my posse...haha. we form the pip squad. we swear at each other. you suffocate me with your hugs. you're coolness.

birdy's da man...nuff said.

it's s'wonderful...s'marvellous...that you still care for me.

hope you had a good rest sweetie...

i didn't mean to chase you home.

was just kinda worried that your mom might've thought you were kidnapped or something...what with your bag left outside your door...haha.

tell her i'm your sis, okay?

and to set her mind at ease, maybe you'd like to give her my contact.

after all, i was the person you asked to the meet-the-parents session when your parents weren't available, wasn't i? ;)

after the latest bout of tears, seeing you today sorta calmed me a little.

thank you for being my medicine and my inspiration.

as i laid down to rest last night, my mind was swarmed with thoughts of the guys...my scouts.

i teared as i came to rest at my decision.

come sunday, i will step down as asl...at least for a while.

it's ironic how i've lost faith in the very thing that brought the sstt together.

well, perhaps i haven't lost it completely...i just need some time away from it to regroup and all.

maybe this time away will be good.

i could sit back and observe, so i can write my musical from a third person's point of view.

i wish i could be invisible for a while...to float around during sundays and see if there's a marked difference without my presence.

as much as i'd like to think there would be, i think jiahao's right. they just wouldn't care.

last sunday, for the first time in many sundays past, i felt empty.

i went to school...excited to don the uniform and tie. but as the morning progressed, i started sinking deeper and deeper.

the final nail was hammered into the coffin when the boys stared at me blankly when i expected them to respond.

after all i've tried to do in the past weeks...to be treated with such disrespect and nonchalance really pissed me off.

i'm not giving up on these guys...i just need a break to recharge, before trying and probably getting my efforts thrown out the window again.

i'm sure tai tong and jason will do fine without me around.

don't worry fellas, i'll still be around to help. i just need a break from that tie for a while.

perhaps i've been the problem. perhaps i'm the one preventing growth in the scout group.

so i'm just hoping that my leaving would make something happen.

of course, it's just a hope...it might not happen.

and oh, i'll be stepping down as rover secretary as well.

the self-fulfilling prophecy thingee works.

i woke up with my right eye twitching. it jumped all the way till siasr.

and true enough, i made the same mistake i swore never to repeat...and it was only last monday!

remember i pondered over when i should say no?

this is the perfect example of what would happen if you don't admit your incompetence when you first screw up.

if i had told the bosses i'd feel more comfortable for them to handle the invites last monday, today's boo boo wouldn't have occurred.

if only i had the guts to say no the last time around...

that said, what the hell is wrong with me?

sure...today was an accident, but still...these things don't usually happen with me around.

this is unacceptable...

mom said i've become less friendly of late.

it's odd she should say that since she hasn't borne the brunt of my bitchiness.

i don't even know why i should even have gotten offended by that remark.

so tell me...am i turning into that heartless bitch you've only heard so much about?

(yes i'm asking...so please gimme your thoughts in the chatbox...if it fails to load, just refresh the page)

i've stopped smiling when i don't feel like it.

i've regain my resolve.

i'm smart, spunky, in-your-face and confident.

and oh, i'm such a nerd as well.

gone are the days of serene the SIA girl with the perpetual smile.

and if that's the girl you grew to love, i'm sorry, she's left.

you can now pack your bags as well.

and in case you're wondering, i'm not having my period.

strangely soothing.

that's what those 40 plus minutes at gelare, plaza singapura, felt like.

bubba and i agreed to meet around noon today. late this morning, he asked if we could meet at half past.

so there i was, standing at our supposed meeting place at the dhoby ghaut mrt faregates at 1230.

five minutes later and still no bubba, i messaged him to say that i wasn't in the mood for a full meal and would prefer ice cream instead...and to meet me at gelare at the fifth level. then i went up. truth is: i was kinda famished.

so i took a seat at one of the booths, bought two scoops of wild strawberry, pulled out my copy of the edge and started reading.

he messaged back that he's really sorry and was on his way. he had to catch his cat, that's why. i didn't think that message warranted an answer, so i didn't reply.

about a couple of minutes later, he messaged that he was approaching and again..."sorry".

i answered "am already having my ice cream. once i'm done with this, i'll be heading home...work beckons".

then he keeps messaging sorries and i just didn't see the point in responding to those.

it was a feat to make my two scoops of ice cream last for half an hour or so.

as i slowly took in that last bit, i leant back, closed my eyes, to take it all in.

then i packed up and started towards the mrt.

he messaged that he was there around the time i was about to enter the faregates.

my response?

"don't rush...we're not meeting today."

and obviously, that brought on a string of apologies and even an phone call. but of course, i didn't bother to pick up.

through all this, i didn't feel angry...i guess i've just gotten back my resolve.

people need to be taught a lesson.

i know some of you guys keep saying our district leaders are close and all, and that we work really well together. you probably would've noticed how i always clam up when you say it'd be good to work with bubba, peter and gang.

that's because i've seen how haphazard these guys can get, and how much of a scatterbrain bubba can be.

and yes...while bubba is my friend, i won't stand for friends taking advantage of me.

what i did today...not waiting for bubba, is the culmination of repeated late-comings...on his part, obviously.

the guy has been at least half an hour late every single time we've arranged to meet.

today, i finally got up and left.

that time spent waiting wasn't all wasted though.

i felt rejuvenated, confident, and proud that i could sit somewhere, pull out a paper and eat something without having to bother at how people looked at me.

in fact, if the tables around did stare, they'd probably be staring at the confidence i radiate...(geez...when did i develop such a huge ego?!!)

i say the above because it takes a lot of confidence (there's that word again...) for a girl, to walk into a crowded place and sit down at a table amidst a lunch crowd of groups of friends, couples and the like, ALONE.

i've made it.

and today was evidence enough.

i almost forgot how soothing my blog music is.

i just checked out my page with my speakers turned on to the max...the piano solo just got my spirits up.

this morning was shitty...but as i got more tired towards the afternoon, i kinda felt slightly better as well.

i know...it's odd, but i felt so light...just walking along to lunch with the rest and not really taking in what they were saying.

i know birdy sorta blanked out for a bit as well.

on the whole, i was just totally bummed out by absolutely nothing today.

i decided not to go for the movie because i knew i wouldn't be able to concentrate.

some people just don't get that i go to movies to analyse and think about messages hidden within...i can't just relax in a movie theater.

i spent two hours under my block with grover...and i suppose those two hours were the best hours spent today.

i was so fatigued, but my baby made my day.

don't worry sweetie, i'll keep you in sight friday.

sis will hold you and keep you outta harm's way.

last night was a few saturdays back revisited.

it seemed like we were back at square one...when he was just another kid i got to know and i was someone trying to get to him...unsuccessfully.

last night was...disappointing.

there really is no other word to describe it.

after all we've been through together, you'd think we would've scrapped some layers off each other's walls.

alas, it was all a farce.

how stupid was i to believe he would lay down his pride for me...

i should've expected his rejection before i even offered...then i wouldn't have asked and gotten my heart trampled on in the process.

i should've known...because i wouldn't have laid down my pride for him as well.

i'm a fucking hypocrite.

i must've been really upset to have sworn so much last night as well.

i still feel stupid.