i did three autographs today.
i know...i'm shameless because i cheekily asked the people who got my cd if they wanted one. but it was total coolness.
if we ever have any spare cds left (i'm pretty sure we won't), remind me to show you a copy. geez...you'll probably have the same reaction as i did. it's true. i was freaked. like, totally.
this morning started off really bad. i got bogged down by technical issues and i was pissed at the same time because i WAS the center of operation.
i sang with a band called bakersloo line (yes it's the london tube station)...and while most of them were out smoking, jason and i did desperado. i'm not being a bitch here but it sounded pretty darn good...finally hearing it done with a piano. it sounded good to me. i wish we had recorded it that one time.
i hope that wouldn't be the only time.
anyways, the band's style is more of rock...and i gotta feeling my brand of music will stifle the talents of the cool guitarists and drummer. so...i'm still not sure if i should sing with them. they kept saying they "found a new vocalist!"...but i'm not sure. soon, they'll start to see that the songs i do aren't their type. and i don't know if they're prepared to change their style a little.
i'm home early this friday. i'm tired shitless.
i'm glad i'm home. home alone with my dad. it's been a while since we were the only two people around.
Friday, May 28, 2004
Thursday, May 27, 2004
Wednesday, May 26, 2004
last night, i cried.
i cried because i felt a part of me has been lost forever.
somewhere in my heart, there's an empty space.
and it just feels like that void was never meant to be filled.
how stupid was i to think it could be.
i'm better now, i think.
i'm starting to accept that this is just the way i am.
sure, i'm learning to be me...but that doesn't mean i will stop raging against conventions.
i make the rules.
and when i start playing out my own rules...
i cried because i felt a part of me has been lost forever.
somewhere in my heart, there's an empty space.
and it just feels like that void was never meant to be filled.
how stupid was i to think it could be.
i'm better now, i think.
i'm starting to accept that this is just the way i am.
sure, i'm learning to be me...but that doesn't mean i will stop raging against conventions.
i make the rules.
and when i start playing out my own rules...
Tuesday, May 25, 2004
you will find, in the next few days, how my blogs will sort of mirror those in beginning march.
except that this time around, i'm not sure if the ending will be similar.
again, i'm in immense pain. not physically, but emotionally.
i don't know what's causing such pain though.
perhaps it's because i know some people don't actually mean their verbal expressions of affection.
i'd like to think otherwise, but all signs point in the same direction.
i am loved, but i don't feel it.
that's it. i'm getting myself a pint of ice cream tomorrow.
except that this time around, i'm not sure if the ending will be similar.
again, i'm in immense pain. not physically, but emotionally.
i don't know what's causing such pain though.
perhaps it's because i know some people don't actually mean their verbal expressions of affection.
i'd like to think otherwise, but all signs point in the same direction.
i am loved, but i don't feel it.
that's it. i'm getting myself a pint of ice cream tomorrow.
cookie: (9:38:45 PM)
u noe... bout that thing u posted on ur blog
cookie: (9:39:07 PM)
the one bout if u dont initiate our weekly meetings
cookie: (9:42:02 PM)
as for forever, i juz wanna tell you that although (maybe) it may seem that i've turned cold, it is often not the case. i'm juz not the kinda person to always go out n stuff. as u can see i'm pretty much the loner. wen i meet someone worthy(like u guys), i cast my frenship and loyalty
cookie: (9:42:09 PM)
with u guys in stone
cookie: (9:42:51 PM)
which means i will never forget nor forsake u guys no matter the distance or time between us
cookie: (9:43:11 PM)
i'll still be there for u guys whenever u guys need me.
i'm glad. co-conspirators we are...always.
u noe... bout that thing u posted on ur blog
cookie: (9:39:07 PM)
the one bout if u dont initiate our weekly meetings
cookie: (9:42:02 PM)
as for forever, i juz wanna tell you that although (maybe) it may seem that i've turned cold, it is often not the case. i'm juz not the kinda person to always go out n stuff. as u can see i'm pretty much the loner. wen i meet someone worthy(like u guys), i cast my frenship and loyalty
cookie: (9:42:09 PM)
with u guys in stone
cookie: (9:42:51 PM)
which means i will never forget nor forsake u guys no matter the distance or time between us
cookie: (9:43:11 PM)
i'll still be there for u guys whenever u guys need me.
i'm glad. co-conspirators we are...always.
a lioness senses her cubs are in danger. she rushes forward to defend them, and while fighting off the enemy, the cubs scatter in all directions.
she limps into scene with a bloody limb, and starts calling out to her cubs. for hours she roars of her pain, and worry. then, from among the tall inserts of the grassland, a little head pops out...and moves slowly towards the female.
the female, relieved to see one of her cubs, finally settles down and licks her wounds. the cub necks its mother affectionately.
in a distance, the king of the jungle arises, and roams about his territory. he had witnessed the fight. it was a fight between two females...a fight for his attention.
instead of rushing to examine his mate's pain, he wanders around, taking in the new smell...leaving the female, and cub to stand alone in the middle of the vast, foreboding field.
i chanced upon the above on discovery channel last night, before i finally turned in.
it got me thinking that if us humans really possessed wild, animalistic instincts, as studies say we do...(well, subconsciously anyways), then fidelity isn't in our blood, is it?
and if that's the case, then anyone who could remain true to one partner for his lifetime would be someone to be revered; respected.
i've always wondered where the idea of marriage, and monogamy, came from.
don't get me wrong, i would never think of cheating on someone i go out with...hmm...now wait a minute. why wouldn't i?
is it in everyone's make-up to adhere to the principles monogamy? who started this whole "THE ONE" thing?
who made it taboo to be a bigamist, a cheater, or a mistress? who decided that the word "mistress" meant "kept woman"?
all these characters are imposed upon people who, supposedly, have low morals...but as determined by who, or what?
it is painful to live in a world where people feel the need to conform, just because society deems such characters to be immoral, and the contrary to be ideal.
both generation x- and y-ers are consumed with the thought of individualism. but most times, they, too, place tags above those they meet and frown, or shake their perfect little heads in disapproval.
how, then, could they consider themselves unique individuals?
they already have ideals of individualism. they stand up for what's right.
their idea of a perfect world...is already cast in stone.
she limps into scene with a bloody limb, and starts calling out to her cubs. for hours she roars of her pain, and worry. then, from among the tall inserts of the grassland, a little head pops out...and moves slowly towards the female.
the female, relieved to see one of her cubs, finally settles down and licks her wounds. the cub necks its mother affectionately.
in a distance, the king of the jungle arises, and roams about his territory. he had witnessed the fight. it was a fight between two females...a fight for his attention.
instead of rushing to examine his mate's pain, he wanders around, taking in the new smell...leaving the female, and cub to stand alone in the middle of the vast, foreboding field.
i chanced upon the above on discovery channel last night, before i finally turned in.
it got me thinking that if us humans really possessed wild, animalistic instincts, as studies say we do...(well, subconsciously anyways), then fidelity isn't in our blood, is it?
and if that's the case, then anyone who could remain true to one partner for his lifetime would be someone to be revered; respected.
i've always wondered where the idea of marriage, and monogamy, came from.
don't get me wrong, i would never think of cheating on someone i go out with...hmm...now wait a minute. why wouldn't i?
is it in everyone's make-up to adhere to the principles monogamy? who started this whole "THE ONE" thing?
who made it taboo to be a bigamist, a cheater, or a mistress? who decided that the word "mistress" meant "kept woman"?
all these characters are imposed upon people who, supposedly, have low morals...but as determined by who, or what?
it is painful to live in a world where people feel the need to conform, just because society deems such characters to be immoral, and the contrary to be ideal.
both generation x- and y-ers are consumed with the thought of individualism. but most times, they, too, place tags above those they meet and frown, or shake their perfect little heads in disapproval.
how, then, could they consider themselves unique individuals?
they already have ideals of individualism. they stand up for what's right.
their idea of a perfect world...is already cast in stone.
man...check out the time on this.
i found out it really isn't just relationships that need that "last ditch" effort. you know the kinda thing you do when it's falling apart?
friendships and such are the same thing.
and for someone like me, who hardly ever calls someone a friend unless i totally feel that the person is trustworthy, it's especially hard.
there are just some things that can't be saved, i suppose.
i tried...many times. i dare say i've put a whole lot of myself into this friendship. but alas, i think i've got to just let it be.
i'm tired of being the only one who gels everyone together. it's about time someone else took over while i concentrate on my job.
remember the first time i said that four-letter word and i walked away in tears, just because it took me a lot of pride to say it?
just a while back, i thought i was fine with it...because you made me open up, and gave me the strength to repeat that word over.
but today, at this moment, i dread hearing, or even reading the word.
because i know i wouldn't mean it when i say it to you.
good morning serene.
i found out it really isn't just relationships that need that "last ditch" effort. you know the kinda thing you do when it's falling apart?
friendships and such are the same thing.
and for someone like me, who hardly ever calls someone a friend unless i totally feel that the person is trustworthy, it's especially hard.
there are just some things that can't be saved, i suppose.
i tried...many times. i dare say i've put a whole lot of myself into this friendship. but alas, i think i've got to just let it be.
i'm tired of being the only one who gels everyone together. it's about time someone else took over while i concentrate on my job.
remember the first time i said that four-letter word and i walked away in tears, just because it took me a lot of pride to say it?
just a while back, i thought i was fine with it...because you made me open up, and gave me the strength to repeat that word over.
but today, at this moment, i dread hearing, or even reading the word.
because i know i wouldn't mean it when i say it to you.
good morning serene.
Saturday, May 22, 2004
on my way to the seminar yesterday, a guy joshua called me.
without going into the details of the call, the following transpired between us:
"your scouts are really lucky to have you. you're a great role model." - him
"well, i hope so. they are really special to me, and i hope that with right guidance and direction, they'd be able to become the unique individuals i already know they are." - me
"serene, if anyone could do it, it'd be you." - him
man...i almost forgot how i felt about these boys. i just can't wait to see them again during tomorrow's big walk. i just hope they'd be a little more receptive towards me...but yeah, rome wasn't built in a day.
this month marks a year since i officially joined ycsog. it's been helluva ride, especially for the last six months.
my boys have become an integral part of my life...and that's purely because i know that i can help make their lives better. i want to teach them that nothing, absolutely nothing, is impossible. and i am the perfect example...if you read my previous blogs, you'd know what went on in the recent weeks. it's nothing short of a voyeur's dream.
just a couple of months ago, i never even thought i'd get here. now i have. and i'm pretty sure, with the right moves and attitude, i'd be where i want to be in 5 years, or maybe, less. i don't know. but by the time i realize that immediate goal, i may find it totally pointless then...haha.
i just realized last night, and right after penning down the above...that I AM, indeed...
INSPIRATION PERSONIFIED.
well, i could be.
without going into the details of the call, the following transpired between us:
"your scouts are really lucky to have you. you're a great role model." - him
"well, i hope so. they are really special to me, and i hope that with right guidance and direction, they'd be able to become the unique individuals i already know they are." - me
"serene, if anyone could do it, it'd be you." - him
man...i almost forgot how i felt about these boys. i just can't wait to see them again during tomorrow's big walk. i just hope they'd be a little more receptive towards me...but yeah, rome wasn't built in a day.
this month marks a year since i officially joined ycsog. it's been helluva ride, especially for the last six months.
my boys have become an integral part of my life...and that's purely because i know that i can help make their lives better. i want to teach them that nothing, absolutely nothing, is impossible. and i am the perfect example...if you read my previous blogs, you'd know what went on in the recent weeks. it's nothing short of a voyeur's dream.
just a couple of months ago, i never even thought i'd get here. now i have. and i'm pretty sure, with the right moves and attitude, i'd be where i want to be in 5 years, or maybe, less. i don't know. but by the time i realize that immediate goal, i may find it totally pointless then...haha.
i just realized last night, and right after penning down the above...that I AM, indeed...
INSPIRATION PERSONIFIED.
well, i could be.
the papers of late have been hyping about BYJ, the korean movie/tv soap star who's a fave among the "aunty" crowd. so people call him the "auntie-killer".
last night, i earned myself the nickname of "uncle-killer"...haha. it wasn't something that i had planned on, but oh well.
picture this:
you're standing at the reception as the last of the crowd is waiting for the lift to the ground floor. then someone comes up to you and asks "are you serene from phonecast?" and when you say yes, he goes on to tell his friends and seconds later, you find yourself surrounded by quite the group of geezers...plus, a couple of young ones.
it was already nearing half past 10, so imagine how surprised i was when they still stood around to talk to me. this old guy even suggested tips for me to improve my speaking and such!
so yes...although the seminar last night was a drag, the post-seminar happening was quite interesting. and it was a rather refreshing thing.
i don't know how i could ever get used to something like that, but i'm open to the idea.
i guess this is what happens when you "sell the personality", instead of the product. bleah.
"now don't you feel like a star?" - liling of SIASR
"not really. not now, anyways." - me
but i suppose that's gonna change soon, ain't it?
last night, i earned myself the nickname of "uncle-killer"...haha. it wasn't something that i had planned on, but oh well.
picture this:
you're standing at the reception as the last of the crowd is waiting for the lift to the ground floor. then someone comes up to you and asks "are you serene from phonecast?" and when you say yes, he goes on to tell his friends and seconds later, you find yourself surrounded by quite the group of geezers...plus, a couple of young ones.
it was already nearing half past 10, so imagine how surprised i was when they still stood around to talk to me. this old guy even suggested tips for me to improve my speaking and such!
so yes...although the seminar last night was a drag, the post-seminar happening was quite interesting. and it was a rather refreshing thing.
i don't know how i could ever get used to something like that, but i'm open to the idea.
i guess this is what happens when you "sell the personality", instead of the product. bleah.
"now don't you feel like a star?" - liling of SIASR
"not really. not now, anyways." - me
but i suppose that's gonna change soon, ain't it?
Thursday, May 20, 2004
i think i'm running on an overload of something.
i just seem to have boundless energy these days...running around, not feeling a need to take a nap...what a difference!
but this worries me, because this was how i was before i started getting all down and out, and fell sick at the same time.
you know...most times, people seem like they appreciate my advice. but seriously, they're just spitting venom at me behind my back. so i don't know if i should still be offering advice to those.
on that note, i have stopped jabbering on and on for quite a while now. and while people think it's quite a change, they get really uneasy if i'm "too quiet".
they think something's wrong.
and i guess something could be. i'm sorta losing my drive to make myself heard.
it kinda seems pointless to speak when it comes to relationships and scouts.
those people just switch off anyways.
after all, i've never been in a relationship (so why the hell listen to me?!) and i've got no scouting knowledge (ditto the comment in front).
wonder if i should stop putting so much of my emotions into these things...if people don't appreciate them anyways.
i never bother with people i hate, that's why the lady is a tramp.
i just seem to have boundless energy these days...running around, not feeling a need to take a nap...what a difference!
but this worries me, because this was how i was before i started getting all down and out, and fell sick at the same time.
you know...most times, people seem like they appreciate my advice. but seriously, they're just spitting venom at me behind my back. so i don't know if i should still be offering advice to those.
on that note, i have stopped jabbering on and on for quite a while now. and while people think it's quite a change, they get really uneasy if i'm "too quiet".
they think something's wrong.
and i guess something could be. i'm sorta losing my drive to make myself heard.
it kinda seems pointless to speak when it comes to relationships and scouts.
those people just switch off anyways.
after all, i've never been in a relationship (so why the hell listen to me?!) and i've got no scouting knowledge (ditto the comment in front).
wonder if i should stop putting so much of my emotions into these things...if people don't appreciate them anyways.
i never bother with people i hate, that's why the lady is a tramp.
Wednesday, May 19, 2004
get this: i scored myself a media pass to the global brand forum.
and i know most of you would find it ridiculous for me to get THIS excited...but wait till you hear who's speaking.
Ex-mayor of New York City Rudolph Guliani.
man...tell me the mention of his name doesn't already get you excited. i've admired this guy since pre-911 days. if i ever admitted to having a role model, it would be him...oops. he hides a whole history of pain behind that perpetual smile that's stuck on his face...yet, he's still as genuine as ever. of course, it's just my perception outta everything i got from the ever-exaggerating media...but well, he's da man.
and i hope (and keeping every finger i have crossed over one another...and toes as well) i'd be able to score an interview with him.
i remember when i was in my first year of poly, i heard one of the third years had gotten an interview with SM Lee...and though i wasn't particularly interested in interviewing him anyways then, i thought that it was a rather impressive feat in itself.
Director of The Godfather Francis Ford Coppola.
come on. it's every film student's dream to meet the guy. he's the one person who's brought the new york mafia out onto the big screen. his reputation precedes him. it's like, he's done so many films post-The Godfather, but that's the one that people remember him for.
i'm sure both him and rudy have extremely strong presence...and i'd just like to bask in that presence for a while. hopefully, some of that would rub off on me...haha.
SIA CEO Chew Choon Seng
he's from SIA. need i say more?
so these three guys are the headliners of the forum.
i know...you're thinking "if you so wanted to go anyways, why not pay for it?"
oh believe me, i was prepared to...that is, until i saw how much i'd have to pay.
4000 bucks for two days.
imagine that.
i just hope that if this whole thing does go through, and i manage to score a couple of interviews or even attend the press briefing, my bosses would let me off for those two days.
it would certainly be an experience.
'nuff said for now.
and i know most of you would find it ridiculous for me to get THIS excited...but wait till you hear who's speaking.
Ex-mayor of New York City Rudolph Guliani.
man...tell me the mention of his name doesn't already get you excited. i've admired this guy since pre-911 days. if i ever admitted to having a role model, it would be him...oops. he hides a whole history of pain behind that perpetual smile that's stuck on his face...yet, he's still as genuine as ever. of course, it's just my perception outta everything i got from the ever-exaggerating media...but well, he's da man.
and i hope (and keeping every finger i have crossed over one another...and toes as well) i'd be able to score an interview with him.
i remember when i was in my first year of poly, i heard one of the third years had gotten an interview with SM Lee...and though i wasn't particularly interested in interviewing him anyways then, i thought that it was a rather impressive feat in itself.
Director of The Godfather Francis Ford Coppola.
come on. it's every film student's dream to meet the guy. he's the one person who's brought the new york mafia out onto the big screen. his reputation precedes him. it's like, he's done so many films post-The Godfather, but that's the one that people remember him for.
i'm sure both him and rudy have extremely strong presence...and i'd just like to bask in that presence for a while. hopefully, some of that would rub off on me...haha.
SIA CEO Chew Choon Seng
he's from SIA. need i say more?
so these three guys are the headliners of the forum.
i know...you're thinking "if you so wanted to go anyways, why not pay for it?"
oh believe me, i was prepared to...that is, until i saw how much i'd have to pay.
4000 bucks for two days.
imagine that.
i just hope that if this whole thing does go through, and i manage to score a couple of interviews or even attend the press briefing, my bosses would let me off for those two days.
it would certainly be an experience.
'nuff said for now.
Tuesday, May 18, 2004
it dawned on me again today, that i have a lagging train of thought.
something that mark said last wednesday, had triggered a whole slew of memories...and i finally found the will to pen them down...today. and still, after a couple of lines, i simply couldn't continue. the funniest thing is: i don't think i'll ever get on with my life just fine if i don't get those thoughts down on paper and get it to him. it really isn't that big of a deal (no worries Angus), but it'll just keep bugging me.
in my last blog (or some semblance of one), elm mentioned how i seem to have become stronger.
she's right.
the past couple of weeks, my patience and will have been tested...many times over. but i've never once thought of how "bad" i'm having it. no matter how fucked up i felt inside and how much i cried at home, i was still able to go out and face the world with a face free of tear-stains and a sparkling smile...a genuine one at that.
today, mark looked at me a couple of times and turned to angus and said "look, she's beaming!"
it's weird, but check out the time on this blog. it's now five past midnight, and i'm still fresh as morning dew. and i'm to wake up in a few hours! how the hell i managed to get through today (without even a catnap) is fucking unbelievable!
apart from my energy level, a couple of other things make today memorable.
eng hai invited me to something he's hosting this thursday night for a hundred and twenty. i don't know if he invited me to make up the numbers, but hell...he obviously likes me enough to invite me anyways. heh. he's a fantastic interviewee, by the way. and he's a star.
baby's exams ended today. and i know i oughta be as excited as he is, but some of what elm said may be true...i'm drifting away. as much as he'd try to deny it, i'm certain our bond isn't that strong anymore...and surprisingly, that doesn't affect me as much as i thought it would. obviously, i got a sudden twitch when he, once again, declined to have me do something for him...this time on his birthday, but i was okay after that. if he wants to stay at home and pig out...so be it.
after all, i'm the big sis...not the girlfriend. girlfriends always hold a different place.
i hate the above line, but i'm gonna leave it there. one of my random ramblings.
raymond. ah...raymond. always thinking i'm out to get him. getting all defensive when i made an innocent comment. have our relations been strained to such levels? i'd like to think that we've gone past all that childish shit. i'd like to think you've gone past all that crap. i think you're beginning to, really.
you know...with everyone who's been pissing me off, i really should be more jaded. oddly enough, i ain't.
raymond's still a brother. i don't expect him to look upon me as a big sis like the rest of the sstt does, but i hope he's realized i ain't that bitchy, really.
anyways...had a long talk with the bosses today. wasn't sure if it was a good idea, but i'm glad that's over and done with.
don't worry guys, it's my baby too. i'll stick with you for as long as it takes.
i'm beginning to worry about the emotion i'm putting into everything i'm doing. the scouts have tested my emotional patience, and that's taken a beating. so...i don't know.
i can feel my profile heightening slowly, but surely. i'm starting to get to the people who never knew i existed. the world is just starting to get a feel of me...inspiration personified. but...
in an odd sense, i feel myself retreating even further.
something that mark said last wednesday, had triggered a whole slew of memories...and i finally found the will to pen them down...today. and still, after a couple of lines, i simply couldn't continue. the funniest thing is: i don't think i'll ever get on with my life just fine if i don't get those thoughts down on paper and get it to him. it really isn't that big of a deal (no worries Angus), but it'll just keep bugging me.
in my last blog (or some semblance of one), elm mentioned how i seem to have become stronger.
she's right.
the past couple of weeks, my patience and will have been tested...many times over. but i've never once thought of how "bad" i'm having it. no matter how fucked up i felt inside and how much i cried at home, i was still able to go out and face the world with a face free of tear-stains and a sparkling smile...a genuine one at that.
today, mark looked at me a couple of times and turned to angus and said "look, she's beaming!"
it's weird, but check out the time on this blog. it's now five past midnight, and i'm still fresh as morning dew. and i'm to wake up in a few hours! how the hell i managed to get through today (without even a catnap) is fucking unbelievable!
apart from my energy level, a couple of other things make today memorable.
eng hai invited me to something he's hosting this thursday night for a hundred and twenty. i don't know if he invited me to make up the numbers, but hell...he obviously likes me enough to invite me anyways. heh. he's a fantastic interviewee, by the way. and he's a star.
baby's exams ended today. and i know i oughta be as excited as he is, but some of what elm said may be true...i'm drifting away. as much as he'd try to deny it, i'm certain our bond isn't that strong anymore...and surprisingly, that doesn't affect me as much as i thought it would. obviously, i got a sudden twitch when he, once again, declined to have me do something for him...this time on his birthday, but i was okay after that. if he wants to stay at home and pig out...so be it.
after all, i'm the big sis...not the girlfriend. girlfriends always hold a different place.
i hate the above line, but i'm gonna leave it there. one of my random ramblings.
raymond. ah...raymond. always thinking i'm out to get him. getting all defensive when i made an innocent comment. have our relations been strained to such levels? i'd like to think that we've gone past all that childish shit. i'd like to think you've gone past all that crap. i think you're beginning to, really.
you know...with everyone who's been pissing me off, i really should be more jaded. oddly enough, i ain't.
raymond's still a brother. i don't expect him to look upon me as a big sis like the rest of the sstt does, but i hope he's realized i ain't that bitchy, really.
anyways...had a long talk with the bosses today. wasn't sure if it was a good idea, but i'm glad that's over and done with.
don't worry guys, it's my baby too. i'll stick with you for as long as it takes.
i'm beginning to worry about the emotion i'm putting into everything i'm doing. the scouts have tested my emotional patience, and that's taken a beating. so...i don't know.
i can feel my profile heightening slowly, but surely. i'm starting to get to the people who never knew i existed. the world is just starting to get a feel of me...inspiration personified. but...
in an odd sense, i feel myself retreating even further.
Sunday, May 16, 2004
one of the first few pictures of elm and i.
this was taken on the 14th of february...
elm: (9:46:56 PM)
sis..
elm: (9:47:08 PM)
i think u've grown stronger... i dun know why.... just felt so..
me: (9:47:25 PM)
haha...you feel it too? i don't know why...
elm: (9:47:32 PM)
but..
elm: (9:47:33 PM)
as a girl..
elm: (9:47:40 PM)
i think it's more on the surface part...
me: (9:47:51 PM)
like...i've mellowed down...
me: (9:47:57 PM)
how do you mean?
elm: (9:48:47 PM)
i mean..
elm: (9:49:05 PM)
i still believe u cry at night alone when u cant take the i dunoe wad... wadever u are feeling inside i sld say...
elm: (9:49:18 PM)
but... ur inner thoughts seem stronger..
elm: (9:49:21 PM)
u look stronger too..
me: (9:49:43 PM)
yeah...stress always gets to everyone...no matter how strong they are...haha
elm: (9:50:16 PM)
jus that..
elm: (9:50:24 PM)
feel that my sis grown stronger lo..
elm: (9:50:25 PM)
dunoe why..
elm: (9:50:32 PM)
esp thru' ur blogs..
me: (9:50:33 PM)
yeah...i get what you mean...
elm: (9:51:06 PM)
the things u say.. like... u are like that strong gal i used to know... able to venture the world alone...
elm: (9:51:32 PM)
but.. jie...
me: (9:51:35 PM)
yeah?
elm: (9:51:36 PM)
they sounded scary too..
me: (9:51:48 PM)
like which one?
elm: (9:51:50 PM)
i scared someday, one day u'll just leave us...
elm: (9:51:51 PM)
dunoe..
(serene's comments:
nah...that'll never happen.
how could family ever leave one another?)
and now...for the finale...:
elm: (10:25:49 PM)
muaCk~
i know i dun show it out la...
but.. just wanna tell u.. elmo loves you.. =)
this was taken on the 14th of february...
elm: (9:46:56 PM)
sis..
elm: (9:47:08 PM)
i think u've grown stronger... i dun know why.... just felt so..
me: (9:47:25 PM)
haha...you feel it too? i don't know why...
elm: (9:47:32 PM)
but..
elm: (9:47:33 PM)
as a girl..
elm: (9:47:40 PM)
i think it's more on the surface part...
me: (9:47:51 PM)
like...i've mellowed down...
me: (9:47:57 PM)
how do you mean?
elm: (9:48:47 PM)
i mean..
elm: (9:49:05 PM)
i still believe u cry at night alone when u cant take the i dunoe wad... wadever u are feeling inside i sld say...
elm: (9:49:18 PM)
but... ur inner thoughts seem stronger..
elm: (9:49:21 PM)
u look stronger too..
me: (9:49:43 PM)
yeah...stress always gets to everyone...no matter how strong they are...haha
elm: (9:50:16 PM)
jus that..
elm: (9:50:24 PM)
feel that my sis grown stronger lo..
elm: (9:50:25 PM)
dunoe why..
elm: (9:50:32 PM)
esp thru' ur blogs..
me: (9:50:33 PM)
yeah...i get what you mean...
elm: (9:51:06 PM)
the things u say.. like... u are like that strong gal i used to know... able to venture the world alone...
elm: (9:51:32 PM)
but.. jie...
me: (9:51:35 PM)
yeah?
elm: (9:51:36 PM)
they sounded scary too..
me: (9:51:48 PM)
like which one?
elm: (9:51:50 PM)
i scared someday, one day u'll just leave us...
elm: (9:51:51 PM)
dunoe..
(serene's comments:
nah...that'll never happen.
how could family ever leave one another?)
and now...for the finale...:
elm: (10:25:49 PM)
muaCk~
i know i dun show it out la...
but.. just wanna tell u.. elmo loves you.. =)
a scene revisited
she looks out to sea
a gentle frown
speaks of her confusion
she turns to me
when i call her name
caught between a smile
and clear wonder
i snap the picture
she turns back to take it all in
i look into her eyes
and even though it's just a picture
they seem to speak to me
have i been here before?
cookie disappeared today.
i know he's just feeling all slumpy...and there really ain't much we can do.
i just hope he snaps out of it soon.
a week ago, i was so looking forward to the big walk. now, i'm just neutral.
i think we're all drifting apart.
and i wonder what would happen if i stopped initiating regular outings...
i realize i'm not losing the sense to feel...rather, i'm moderating my feelings. i surprised myself by sounding matter-of-factly and calm, when i told him that his condescending tone irks me. woah.
don't mess wit me...*evil grin*
i know he's just feeling all slumpy...and there really ain't much we can do.
i just hope he snaps out of it soon.
a week ago, i was so looking forward to the big walk. now, i'm just neutral.
i think we're all drifting apart.
and i wonder what would happen if i stopped initiating regular outings...
i realize i'm not losing the sense to feel...rather, i'm moderating my feelings. i surprised myself by sounding matter-of-factly and calm, when i told him that his condescending tone irks me. woah.
don't mess wit me...*evil grin*
i felt all weary this morning, even as i stepped into the scout den.
that's never happened to me before.
i guess everyone could tell that i wasn't myself as i described my challenge for the boys. i was feeling really excited about the entire thing but my energy level didn't do justice to me.
in any case, i've got a smashing good race to run, and that should set the stage for a good 5th of June...even if i don't go for the auditions after all.
a fleeting thought: let's just get this audition nonsense out of the way and decide, once and for all, that i shall not go.
but something seems to be going against that thought, and trying to change my mind.
anyways, weirdness happened today.
someone apologized to me for being an MCP, even when i hadn't explicitly pointed that out in our correspondence. it sure was refreshing to hear him facing up to being "an elitist". at that point, i kinda realized that all three of us were kinda alike...but knowing how i'd feel if someone were to tell me how alike "we" were (being some sort of an "elitist" myself)...i chose not to mentioned it. after all, if you feel you're so special anyways, you'd probably feel offended having someone else tell you you two are alike.
i read through my comments on his proposal again, and saw how my age played a very huge part in my comments.
whatever i wrote, i wrote with the boys in mind. i started each sentence with "my boys..." and ended many with "...how they would feel".
i wonder if i only developed that recently, or have only just became conscious of my affinity to these kids.
i think i'm beginning to gain some steel. i'm beginning to wonder "how" before inking everything down. and that's why...i'm beginning to get under the wind's skin.
but my profile will not change. i'm still a star...i think.
that's never happened to me before.
i guess everyone could tell that i wasn't myself as i described my challenge for the boys. i was feeling really excited about the entire thing but my energy level didn't do justice to me.
in any case, i've got a smashing good race to run, and that should set the stage for a good 5th of June...even if i don't go for the auditions after all.
a fleeting thought: let's just get this audition nonsense out of the way and decide, once and for all, that i shall not go.
but something seems to be going against that thought, and trying to change my mind.
anyways, weirdness happened today.
someone apologized to me for being an MCP, even when i hadn't explicitly pointed that out in our correspondence. it sure was refreshing to hear him facing up to being "an elitist". at that point, i kinda realized that all three of us were kinda alike...but knowing how i'd feel if someone were to tell me how alike "we" were (being some sort of an "elitist" myself)...i chose not to mentioned it. after all, if you feel you're so special anyways, you'd probably feel offended having someone else tell you you two are alike.
i read through my comments on his proposal again, and saw how my age played a very huge part in my comments.
whatever i wrote, i wrote with the boys in mind. i started each sentence with "my boys..." and ended many with "...how they would feel".
i wonder if i only developed that recently, or have only just became conscious of my affinity to these kids.
i think i'm beginning to gain some steel. i'm beginning to wonder "how" before inking everything down. and that's why...i'm beginning to get under the wind's skin.
but my profile will not change. i'm still a star...i think.
Saturday, May 15, 2004
man...am i tired or what?
check out the time on this one...and i still haven't turned in. guess i've passed the hour.
so before i go make the futile attempt to get some shut-eye, a little update.
BREAKING NEWS!
my dad's term at my primary school's school advisory committee is almost up, and he's handing the position down to me. according to him, so are the other members...haha...so this makes me a hereditary peer? geez...honorary treasurer. dang. now i gotta do all those obligatory school visits, dinners, sports days and such...but hey, should be fun eh?
and now, on to other news...
once people found out i decided not to head for singapore idol after all, many tried to change my mind. i received so many smses, if not phonecalls, egging me on to "go for it". they think it's "such a waste" if i don't even try.
i truly appreciate their faith in me.
frankly, that's all i need. their faith. nothing else really matters...then again, would i be letting them down by not going?
mingli said "no matter what, promise me you'll give it a shot okay?"
and i'm like...well, i don't really remember how i responded.
even someone like johann, who's been outta my life for eons, smsed me to tell me to go for the auditions. imagine...this guy whom i've been avoiding forever...sigh.
thanks for everything guys. i feel extremely privileged to have sung for you.
i had a light bulb moment today, and i was ecstatic for a while...
everything i've tried to dig out to inspire me...watching the boys' footdrill training, sitting in on lessons...i found absolutely nothing, then.
today, whie standing in the crowded NEL train with jim brickman's piano solo playing in my ears...
IT HIT ME.
it was all there! everything i was trying so hard to look out for...it was right under my nose and i failed to see it! i was too busy waiting for something "special" to happen that i overlooked the fact that THEY are that something special.
my boys are special. and that's why i'm still there.
that's it! that's my story!
my entire search for inspiration within inspiration.
i'm glad it hit me now. i kinda need it.
check out the time on this one...and i still haven't turned in. guess i've passed the hour.
so before i go make the futile attempt to get some shut-eye, a little update.
BREAKING NEWS!
my dad's term at my primary school's school advisory committee is almost up, and he's handing the position down to me. according to him, so are the other members...haha...so this makes me a hereditary peer? geez...honorary treasurer. dang. now i gotta do all those obligatory school visits, dinners, sports days and such...but hey, should be fun eh?
and now, on to other news...
once people found out i decided not to head for singapore idol after all, many tried to change my mind. i received so many smses, if not phonecalls, egging me on to "go for it". they think it's "such a waste" if i don't even try.
i truly appreciate their faith in me.
frankly, that's all i need. their faith. nothing else really matters...then again, would i be letting them down by not going?
mingli said "no matter what, promise me you'll give it a shot okay?"
and i'm like...well, i don't really remember how i responded.
even someone like johann, who's been outta my life for eons, smsed me to tell me to go for the auditions. imagine...this guy whom i've been avoiding forever...sigh.
thanks for everything guys. i feel extremely privileged to have sung for you.
i had a light bulb moment today, and i was ecstatic for a while...
everything i've tried to dig out to inspire me...watching the boys' footdrill training, sitting in on lessons...i found absolutely nothing, then.
today, whie standing in the crowded NEL train with jim brickman's piano solo playing in my ears...
IT HIT ME.
it was all there! everything i was trying so hard to look out for...it was right under my nose and i failed to see it! i was too busy waiting for something "special" to happen that i overlooked the fact that THEY are that something special.
my boys are special. and that's why i'm still there.
that's it! that's my story!
my entire search for inspiration within inspiration.
i'm glad it hit me now. i kinda need it.
Wednesday, May 12, 2004
a couple of minutes shouldn't make a difference.
after all, i've been up for most of the day...waiting and waiting for people to call me back.
even when i try to get home early to rest, it's like i'm not meant to even get to chill out. what's worse is, instead of being ultra-productive at home, i was hanging by the phone.
damn it...i really should've read tai tong's proposal today.
the only good thing outta today was that i finished my work early, and managed to catch american idol with my brother and dad. now that's something i miss doing. i wish i could do that every weeknight...watch the news with them or something.
i think i've made up my mind.
as much as i want to go for the competition, i realize it'd be more productive for me to stay with the boys. besides, running around the cbd would definitely be more interesting than waiting in line and listening to bitchy talk from the other people in the queue.
everything in its time, serene. if it's meant to be, it'll happen. sometime.
you know...the above sentence totally contradicts what i've been telling people.
"fate can only take you so far. the rest is really up to you."
i just got off the phone with my aunt from the US. she got really excited upon hearing that i may (just may) fly over for a bit and come down with her and the kids. obviously, i told her not to get her hopes too high up there cuz i would most probably not be able to.
you know...that's how it is with me. i get my hopes way too high, and when it falls through, i get utterly crushed.
so, for my scouts at least, i'm just gonna try to let them be. i will try not to get too disappointed. but i hope they'll surprise me one day all the same. sigh...a person can dream, can't she?
anyways...someone asked if my parents knew how hard i was working. i said they probably don't. because they think that when i ain't at home, i'm out having fun... and...i'd rather not tell them every single thing i was doing cuz they'd either 1) get extremely worried or 2) say that i'm exaggerating.
the only reason i'm working so hard now is because of the two guys i work with. sure, i love my work...but no matter how much a person loves what she does, she'll need a break sometime. i work hard for these two guys simply because i don't want to disappoint them. they are such role models to me...and to be able to work with such fantastic mentors...i guess no words can express my gratitude towards these two.
but again...i feel really stupid when i cry because of stress because i know i shouldn't, not when i'm working with these two.
i guess there's something wrong with me then.
why am i so unhappy with myself these days?
sigh...so many questions...so little time to even ponder anymore.
whatever happened to the serene with dreams unlimited?
i'm sorry ycsog...i ain't able to give you what i promised. in fact, i guess my promises so far have been empty.
i'm supposed to be an inspiration to the kids.
i suppose i can still try...
haha...i know what you guys will say...that all these nonsense will go away once i get a good break.
perhaps. maybe these'll all fade into the background for a bit...but rather than blending in completely, they'd be embossed...and their imprints will still be obvious.
weekends used to be welcomed. i dread this weekend, because of the amount of work that needs to be done, and people that i need to speak to.
it wouldn't be so tough if it were a weekday. at least i wouldn't expect to be resting.
at least...i wouldn't feel guilty about working...like
clockwork.
after all, i've been up for most of the day...waiting and waiting for people to call me back.
even when i try to get home early to rest, it's like i'm not meant to even get to chill out. what's worse is, instead of being ultra-productive at home, i was hanging by the phone.
damn it...i really should've read tai tong's proposal today.
the only good thing outta today was that i finished my work early, and managed to catch american idol with my brother and dad. now that's something i miss doing. i wish i could do that every weeknight...watch the news with them or something.
i think i've made up my mind.
as much as i want to go for the competition, i realize it'd be more productive for me to stay with the boys. besides, running around the cbd would definitely be more interesting than waiting in line and listening to bitchy talk from the other people in the queue.
everything in its time, serene. if it's meant to be, it'll happen. sometime.
you know...the above sentence totally contradicts what i've been telling people.
"fate can only take you so far. the rest is really up to you."
i just got off the phone with my aunt from the US. she got really excited upon hearing that i may (just may) fly over for a bit and come down with her and the kids. obviously, i told her not to get her hopes too high up there cuz i would most probably not be able to.
you know...that's how it is with me. i get my hopes way too high, and when it falls through, i get utterly crushed.
so, for my scouts at least, i'm just gonna try to let them be. i will try not to get too disappointed. but i hope they'll surprise me one day all the same. sigh...a person can dream, can't she?
anyways...someone asked if my parents knew how hard i was working. i said they probably don't. because they think that when i ain't at home, i'm out having fun... and...i'd rather not tell them every single thing i was doing cuz they'd either 1) get extremely worried or 2) say that i'm exaggerating.
the only reason i'm working so hard now is because of the two guys i work with. sure, i love my work...but no matter how much a person loves what she does, she'll need a break sometime. i work hard for these two guys simply because i don't want to disappoint them. they are such role models to me...and to be able to work with such fantastic mentors...i guess no words can express my gratitude towards these two.
but again...i feel really stupid when i cry because of stress because i know i shouldn't, not when i'm working with these two.
i guess there's something wrong with me then.
why am i so unhappy with myself these days?
sigh...so many questions...so little time to even ponder anymore.
whatever happened to the serene with dreams unlimited?
i'm sorry ycsog...i ain't able to give you what i promised. in fact, i guess my promises so far have been empty.
i'm supposed to be an inspiration to the kids.
i suppose i can still try...
haha...i know what you guys will say...that all these nonsense will go away once i get a good break.
perhaps. maybe these'll all fade into the background for a bit...but rather than blending in completely, they'd be embossed...and their imprints will still be obvious.
weekends used to be welcomed. i dread this weekend, because of the amount of work that needs to be done, and people that i need to speak to.
it wouldn't be so tough if it were a weekday. at least i wouldn't expect to be resting.
at least...i wouldn't feel guilty about working...like
clockwork.
Tuesday, May 11, 2004
the space between
transcends all time
purgatory reigns
it's where i stand
caught up in the mess
of jade and lovelessness
i yearn to love
yet when love presents itself
i turn away
how can i write so about love
when i haven't been in...
it befuddles the senses
it's stronger than your pride
it can't lie
slowly, but surely
it creeps under your skin
and you won't know what hit you
so here i conclude
that we are all in love
hyde may keep telling us we're not
but we should know better
than to let hyde tell us what we are
let your love shine through
for that's when i would be able to capture the magic within
to do what i do best...
write.
so go on...
inspire me
why don't you?
transcends all time
purgatory reigns
it's where i stand
caught up in the mess
of jade and lovelessness
i yearn to love
yet when love presents itself
i turn away
how can i write so about love
when i haven't been in...
it befuddles the senses
it's stronger than your pride
it can't lie
slowly, but surely
it creeps under your skin
and you won't know what hit you
so here i conclude
that we are all in love
hyde may keep telling us we're not
but we should know better
than to let hyde tell us what we are
let your love shine through
for that's when i would be able to capture the magic within
to do what i do best...
write.
so go on...
inspire me
why don't you?
Monday, May 10, 2004
there are so many...so many thoughts that're gushing through my mind right now.
ironically, the influx of different scenes playing out came when i had a typical channel 8 drama playing in the background while typing.
now, waiting for terence's report to come in, i finally get a chance to write this.
frankly though, i can't grasp the root subject...my life's been sorta turned upside down for a bit, and after watching those scenes from the drama serial (which i hardly ever do, by the way), i feel pained...yet ready to take on the world again.
often, i get really depressed because i feel i've been slacking. the depression makes me take on more work, and while i lament doing all that, i feel more productive at the same time. but because i take on that much more, i sink further. i cry for nights at a time and the one thing that's totally unpredictable is how i snap out of it. if i had an antidote for yanking myself outta my downside, you'd bet i'll milk it to its fullest. but i really don't know what gets me out of that state...everytime.
it could be waking up to the refrains james ingram's "you to me are everything" or hearing corrinne may singing "cuz now i'm gonna give love a try...". it could be walking down chinatown, on my way to work, and realizing that people do turn to look. or...it could simply be baby waving at me by his kitchen window...
i can't say that i'm terribly stressed out right now...and with the amount of things that're on my hands...i don't know.
you tell me if i should be feeling unproductive.
here's what i have to do by saturday:
1) call two people to arrange meetings and meet up with them sometime within the week
2) try to score an interview with a ceo and go for that
3) design a banner
4) translate some text from english to mandarin for the banner
5) voice add-ons and compile two cds for a seminar
6) read and comment on taitong's proposal for the scout unit for sunday's meeting (PRIORITY cuz i've been putting it off for three weeks now...)
7) do up a proposal for my program with the scouts during their weekend camp (2nd PRIORITY cuz the meeting's this sunday as well...)
8) get my english and mandarin content down pat...(okay...this is a no brainer.)
these are goals i set for myself...and yes, i know it looks crazy.
i seriously feel so caught up in everything else but myself, and for many, this might be a good thing. but i realize i have a problem with self-esteem, and i do need to be able to feel worthy sometimes.
please don't feel like you need to talk to me about the stuff i'm writing here. these are the times i'd like to sort things out by myself. and i know you're worried...but...this is gonna make me stronger. honest.
there is yet another thing i realized today. the singapore idol auditions are on the 5th of June. the scouts weekend camp starts on the 5th of June as well. i have a program with the scouts then. there's the conflict.
i tried hard to overcome whatever pride i have about doing the auditions. i almost did it. i even got my friend to agree to stay overnight at my place the night before so we could go down early the next morning to camp out for the rest of the day.
now, i'm stuck in the middle. music is my life. i'd love to sing for people. i'd love for even one more person to hear me sing. i've come a long way...from the time i kept my voice only to myself.
but...i made a committment. and that promise, i know i cannot break.
there are things i want to do for myself. then there are things i know i need to do for others.
i guess...you know what my choice will be.
some things will just have to wait.
if things were that simple, i wouldn't be tearing right now.
ironically, the influx of different scenes playing out came when i had a typical channel 8 drama playing in the background while typing.
now, waiting for terence's report to come in, i finally get a chance to write this.
frankly though, i can't grasp the root subject...my life's been sorta turned upside down for a bit, and after watching those scenes from the drama serial (which i hardly ever do, by the way), i feel pained...yet ready to take on the world again.
often, i get really depressed because i feel i've been slacking. the depression makes me take on more work, and while i lament doing all that, i feel more productive at the same time. but because i take on that much more, i sink further. i cry for nights at a time and the one thing that's totally unpredictable is how i snap out of it. if i had an antidote for yanking myself outta my downside, you'd bet i'll milk it to its fullest. but i really don't know what gets me out of that state...everytime.
it could be waking up to the refrains james ingram's "you to me are everything" or hearing corrinne may singing "cuz now i'm gonna give love a try...". it could be walking down chinatown, on my way to work, and realizing that people do turn to look. or...it could simply be baby waving at me by his kitchen window...
i can't say that i'm terribly stressed out right now...and with the amount of things that're on my hands...i don't know.
you tell me if i should be feeling unproductive.
here's what i have to do by saturday:
1) call two people to arrange meetings and meet up with them sometime within the week
2) try to score an interview with a ceo and go for that
3) design a banner
4) translate some text from english to mandarin for the banner
5) voice add-ons and compile two cds for a seminar
6) read and comment on taitong's proposal for the scout unit for sunday's meeting (PRIORITY cuz i've been putting it off for three weeks now...)
7) do up a proposal for my program with the scouts during their weekend camp (2nd PRIORITY cuz the meeting's this sunday as well...)
8) get my english and mandarin content down pat...(okay...this is a no brainer.)
these are goals i set for myself...and yes, i know it looks crazy.
i seriously feel so caught up in everything else but myself, and for many, this might be a good thing. but i realize i have a problem with self-esteem, and i do need to be able to feel worthy sometimes.
please don't feel like you need to talk to me about the stuff i'm writing here. these are the times i'd like to sort things out by myself. and i know you're worried...but...this is gonna make me stronger. honest.
there is yet another thing i realized today. the singapore idol auditions are on the 5th of June. the scouts weekend camp starts on the 5th of June as well. i have a program with the scouts then. there's the conflict.
i tried hard to overcome whatever pride i have about doing the auditions. i almost did it. i even got my friend to agree to stay overnight at my place the night before so we could go down early the next morning to camp out for the rest of the day.
now, i'm stuck in the middle. music is my life. i'd love to sing for people. i'd love for even one more person to hear me sing. i've come a long way...from the time i kept my voice only to myself.
but...i made a committment. and that promise, i know i cannot break.
there are things i want to do for myself. then there are things i know i need to do for others.
i guess...you know what my choice will be.
some things will just have to wait.
if things were that simple, i wouldn't be tearing right now.
Thursday, May 06, 2004
it's much easier than i thought it would be...coping with not seeing my baby, and the rest of the sstt.
i'm so in the mode that even when he said that he'd let me know tomorrow if we could meet for a while, i said to forget about it.
the oddest thing is...when he tells me he loves me and misses me, i feel close to...
NOTHING.
and that scares the hell outta me.
isn't absence supposed to make the heart grow fonder? or would it be "out of sight, out of mind" in my case?
baby baby...i hope we'll still be as close when we meet two weeks later. We won't have seen each other for a month, and that's something.
these days, i feel so caught up in my own world that i almost feel guilty for not seeing how the rest are doing.
this saturday, i'm gonna head down to the esplanade and get myself some inspiration. or at least something for me to fill the elders in on sunday. i'm quite fucked up. it's not that i don't have ideas...but they're just not big enough...
i really am losing my ability to feel. sigh.
on the flip side, i do feel an ache if he doesn't msg me to tell me he's doing okay.
that ain't so bad now, is it?
i'm so in the mode that even when he said that he'd let me know tomorrow if we could meet for a while, i said to forget about it.
the oddest thing is...when he tells me he loves me and misses me, i feel close to...
NOTHING.
and that scares the hell outta me.
isn't absence supposed to make the heart grow fonder? or would it be "out of sight, out of mind" in my case?
baby baby...i hope we'll still be as close when we meet two weeks later. We won't have seen each other for a month, and that's something.
these days, i feel so caught up in my own world that i almost feel guilty for not seeing how the rest are doing.
this saturday, i'm gonna head down to the esplanade and get myself some inspiration. or at least something for me to fill the elders in on sunday. i'm quite fucked up. it's not that i don't have ideas...but they're just not big enough...
i really am losing my ability to feel. sigh.
on the flip side, i do feel an ache if he doesn't msg me to tell me he's doing okay.
that ain't so bad now, is it?
last night was da bomb...but it also reminded me how much i love doing outdoor events.
i may not be 'lil miss sunshine, but hey, i make a pretty good host for fun event under the sun!
corporate, indoor stuff just ain't my thing, but apparently, i didn't do too badly either.
so anyways...mom barged into my room earlier to tell me that i could download the singapore idol contest form from the mediacorp website. man...i really don't know if i wanna do this. when i asked jas (DP) what he thought about singapore idol, he pushed me to enter too...saying that i've got everything to gain...
i'd love to sing for people. but crowds and such bitchy competition ain't my thing again. i'd hate to queue up for shit like this...sigh. why do i have to try so hard even to share something i love?
my voice has always been personal to me. it's taken me a lot to share it. and the one time i shared it with a varied crowd from over 22 countries, many came up to tell me that i had a gift...and that it would bring joy to a lot of people. that was what made me overcome my feeling of inadequacy.
i love to sing.
and i want to share it someday.
help me make my dream come true.
be my inspiration.
i may not be 'lil miss sunshine, but hey, i make a pretty good host for fun event under the sun!
corporate, indoor stuff just ain't my thing, but apparently, i didn't do too badly either.
so anyways...mom barged into my room earlier to tell me that i could download the singapore idol contest form from the mediacorp website. man...i really don't know if i wanna do this. when i asked jas (DP) what he thought about singapore idol, he pushed me to enter too...saying that i've got everything to gain...
i'd love to sing for people. but crowds and such bitchy competition ain't my thing again. i'd hate to queue up for shit like this...sigh. why do i have to try so hard even to share something i love?
my voice has always been personal to me. it's taken me a lot to share it. and the one time i shared it with a varied crowd from over 22 countries, many came up to tell me that i had a gift...and that it would bring joy to a lot of people. that was what made me overcome my feeling of inadequacy.
i love to sing.
and i want to share it someday.
help me make my dream come true.
be my inspiration.
Monday, May 03, 2004
a break is good.
but i'm not sure why i still speak with a quiver, walk with a wobble and...i don't know.
i guess it's the medication that's playing tricks on me.
ernie dropped by to visit for a bit.
and no matter how much of a fool he is at times, he sure is some kinda wonderful.
thanks for the hug, ernie.
that sure made up for the lack of 'em for the past two weeks.
but i'm not sure why i still speak with a quiver, walk with a wobble and...i don't know.
i guess it's the medication that's playing tricks on me.
ernie dropped by to visit for a bit.
and no matter how much of a fool he is at times, he sure is some kinda wonderful.
thanks for the hug, ernie.
that sure made up for the lack of 'em for the past two weeks.
Sunday, May 02, 2004
Saturday, May 01, 2004
i've fucked up, yet again.
is this a sign of an impending burn-out?
god forbid...and you know i'd never admit to "burning out".
i walked to the clinic just opposite yangzheng to find that it was shut for labor day (hell i should've expected that).
while walking back it started to drizzle...so yes, i got rained on.
i got home and started screwing things up...work things.
for once, i had no energy nor had i any reason to refute what mark was saying.
i was in the wrong.
and it was really bad...i mean...here i am, having breathing problems and having to go to the doc's and back without even seeing the doc. then i come back and, thinking that the server was back to normal and i could get things going, sent out all those smses. turns out the server wasn't okay...and people probably couldn't call in...and so, i fucked up.
i swallowed my pride and admitted my mistake.
then angus asks me to take a rest. and rest i did. for about three hours plus i rested. and i still feel as horrible. i can probably only go see the doc tomorrow.
mom just asked if i wanted to go out to dinner with them...and i just broke down. i told her i was too weak to even go out now...and after everything that's happened today and what's NOT about to happen, i'm so not in the mood.
again, she gave me the kinda face that said "when you're home, you don't even want to spend time with us".
yes mom, i am selfish and don't spend enough time with you guys.
but understand that i'm often out working...and not having a jolly good time with friends.
you know...i'm tired of even defending myself now.
i'm in the wrong. go on and blame everything on me.
a person doesn't have to look and sound sick to be sick.
she could be a good actor.
is this a sign of an impending burn-out?
god forbid...and you know i'd never admit to "burning out".
i walked to the clinic just opposite yangzheng to find that it was shut for labor day (hell i should've expected that).
while walking back it started to drizzle...so yes, i got rained on.
i got home and started screwing things up...work things.
for once, i had no energy nor had i any reason to refute what mark was saying.
i was in the wrong.
and it was really bad...i mean...here i am, having breathing problems and having to go to the doc's and back without even seeing the doc. then i come back and, thinking that the server was back to normal and i could get things going, sent out all those smses. turns out the server wasn't okay...and people probably couldn't call in...and so, i fucked up.
i swallowed my pride and admitted my mistake.
then angus asks me to take a rest. and rest i did. for about three hours plus i rested. and i still feel as horrible. i can probably only go see the doc tomorrow.
mom just asked if i wanted to go out to dinner with them...and i just broke down. i told her i was too weak to even go out now...and after everything that's happened today and what's NOT about to happen, i'm so not in the mood.
again, she gave me the kinda face that said "when you're home, you don't even want to spend time with us".
yes mom, i am selfish and don't spend enough time with you guys.
but understand that i'm often out working...and not having a jolly good time with friends.
you know...i'm tired of even defending myself now.
i'm in the wrong. go on and blame everything on me.
a person doesn't have to look and sound sick to be sick.
she could be a good actor.
i've decided to stop blogging on the pc...so my darling mac would be the one to fulfill all my surfing and messenger needs.
my mac's a classic as well, so that means no fancy fonts and all on my blog.
so with that out of the way, i shall begin to try to spell out the barrage of thoughts that's clouding my little brain.
essentially, the past week was hellish...not because i had to work almost around the clock, but because i was sick. am sick. whatever. i still have to work over the weekend, but at least i can get to rest a little before spending the late afternoon and beyond on my chinese reports.
speaking of chinese, i haven't yet gotten the minutes printed out for the group council meeting tomorrow...which i'll probably not be able to attend anyways...sigh. i think the elders are so gonna lose confidence in me.
i'm extremely tired. physically, i'm still able to hold up...even though i have problems walking at the usual speed i do. it's just that my head's so heavy from mentally flipping through that filofax in there. i have many many things to do. and i know angus and mark are wondering why the hell i'm stressing so much and why i can't rearrange my timings and such so i get enough rest. problem is...the things are all placed back to back, so even if i do rearrange some things, i'll still be working through the day...or late night anyways. no diff. thank god earnings season is coming to an end. and, by the way, the chinese content is a lot of work. and that's one of the major reasons i'm stressing out. because aside from doing the normal daily interviews and initial reports in english, i'm struggling to get the chinese ones done...and given my weak command of the language (even though i'm still better than terence), i'm taking helluva long time to even translate one.
so yes...i'm glad the picnic this weekend is off. because this entire weekend is to be devoted to getting the chinese ones done. and monday...sigh...monday, i'll have to voice and conduct four chinese interviews with terence. i don't know how i'll perform at the launch...sigh.
guys, i know you told me not to work myself out and to pace myself. but if you know me (as i think you do), you'd know that this is the only way i can tell myself that i'm doing my job well. from the supposed four hours a day to what i'm doing now...it's a far cry. but if i don't put in all i can, and do whatever i can to build up my credibility and presence right now, things are gonna be way tougher when i go full-time...which, i hope, wouldn't be too different from now. because what scares the shit outta me is the thought of me drawing a full-time pay and doing a lot more. i'm such a perfectionist, guys. i hate to be this way but i am...
i haven't been to scout meetings for two weeks now, and i can't help but feel guilty for not being there. i couldn't even go to the district meeting last night...when i had promised i would attend.
okay...enough of griping.
now for those random thoughts ya'll love to read so much...haha.
yesterday, while taking a breather before reading up on singapore computer systems, i chanced upon oprah on star world. and there was a story that really touched me.
there's gonna be a movie called "radio" out soon, starring cuba gooding jr. yes, the "show me the money!" guy. the story's about how this boy who's mentally retarded with a fragile x syndrome is brought into the team by a high school football coach.
that isn't the touching part.
oprah featured the story of a boy called jake, who has this fragile x syndrome. this high school football coach brings jake into the team...and while jake couldn't play at any games, he'd never fail to suit up and support his teammates. the team got into the finals. and the coaches from both teams...they decided to fulfill jake's dream and let jake play the final seconds. the score was a tie then. jake gets the ball and the teams' players just parted for him to run all the way to...touchdown. you see, both teams wanted to win, but they thought jake was more important.
that seriously brought a tear to my eye...watching jake score the touchdown.
so anyways...there was this guy who caught my eye on the train last morning. he wasn't good looking or anything like that, but, get this: he was wearing scooby doo socks! i know it sounds weird, but i spent the entire train ride staring at his socks. so yeah.
someone just gave me a call and asked me out for a drink. i told him that i'm awfully busy this weekend. then that brought back the headache, and i, again, ran through all the stuff i have to get done by the weekend, or by today.
so please, do me a favor. don't ask me out this weekend. in fact, don't even call to ask how i am. you'll hear no end of it and my headache will become permanent.
in fact, please don't ask me out next week as well.
i'm tired of explaining how busy i am. and i'm tired of hearing people say "i know how you feel" because they don't. they can try to understand, but they don't know how i feel.
i sense a replay of the period i came back from the US after my camp...when i narrated my experiences and no one believed it could get that bad.
similarly, if you ain't in my shoes at this moment, you wouldn't believe how bad things are.
can you believe that there are people who actually told me "oh come on, it can't be that bad!"
it tore me apart.
my mac's a classic as well, so that means no fancy fonts and all on my blog.
so with that out of the way, i shall begin to try to spell out the barrage of thoughts that's clouding my little brain.
essentially, the past week was hellish...not because i had to work almost around the clock, but because i was sick. am sick. whatever. i still have to work over the weekend, but at least i can get to rest a little before spending the late afternoon and beyond on my chinese reports.
speaking of chinese, i haven't yet gotten the minutes printed out for the group council meeting tomorrow...which i'll probably not be able to attend anyways...sigh. i think the elders are so gonna lose confidence in me.
i'm extremely tired. physically, i'm still able to hold up...even though i have problems walking at the usual speed i do. it's just that my head's so heavy from mentally flipping through that filofax in there. i have many many things to do. and i know angus and mark are wondering why the hell i'm stressing so much and why i can't rearrange my timings and such so i get enough rest. problem is...the things are all placed back to back, so even if i do rearrange some things, i'll still be working through the day...or late night anyways. no diff. thank god earnings season is coming to an end. and, by the way, the chinese content is a lot of work. and that's one of the major reasons i'm stressing out. because aside from doing the normal daily interviews and initial reports in english, i'm struggling to get the chinese ones done...and given my weak command of the language (even though i'm still better than terence), i'm taking helluva long time to even translate one.
so yes...i'm glad the picnic this weekend is off. because this entire weekend is to be devoted to getting the chinese ones done. and monday...sigh...monday, i'll have to voice and conduct four chinese interviews with terence. i don't know how i'll perform at the launch...sigh.
guys, i know you told me not to work myself out and to pace myself. but if you know me (as i think you do), you'd know that this is the only way i can tell myself that i'm doing my job well. from the supposed four hours a day to what i'm doing now...it's a far cry. but if i don't put in all i can, and do whatever i can to build up my credibility and presence right now, things are gonna be way tougher when i go full-time...which, i hope, wouldn't be too different from now. because what scares the shit outta me is the thought of me drawing a full-time pay and doing a lot more. i'm such a perfectionist, guys. i hate to be this way but i am...
i haven't been to scout meetings for two weeks now, and i can't help but feel guilty for not being there. i couldn't even go to the district meeting last night...when i had promised i would attend.
okay...enough of griping.
now for those random thoughts ya'll love to read so much...haha.
yesterday, while taking a breather before reading up on singapore computer systems, i chanced upon oprah on star world. and there was a story that really touched me.
there's gonna be a movie called "radio" out soon, starring cuba gooding jr. yes, the "show me the money!" guy. the story's about how this boy who's mentally retarded with a fragile x syndrome is brought into the team by a high school football coach.
that isn't the touching part.
oprah featured the story of a boy called jake, who has this fragile x syndrome. this high school football coach brings jake into the team...and while jake couldn't play at any games, he'd never fail to suit up and support his teammates. the team got into the finals. and the coaches from both teams...they decided to fulfill jake's dream and let jake play the final seconds. the score was a tie then. jake gets the ball and the teams' players just parted for him to run all the way to...touchdown. you see, both teams wanted to win, but they thought jake was more important.
that seriously brought a tear to my eye...watching jake score the touchdown.
so anyways...there was this guy who caught my eye on the train last morning. he wasn't good looking or anything like that, but, get this: he was wearing scooby doo socks! i know it sounds weird, but i spent the entire train ride staring at his socks. so yeah.
someone just gave me a call and asked me out for a drink. i told him that i'm awfully busy this weekend. then that brought back the headache, and i, again, ran through all the stuff i have to get done by the weekend, or by today.
so please, do me a favor. don't ask me out this weekend. in fact, don't even call to ask how i am. you'll hear no end of it and my headache will become permanent.
in fact, please don't ask me out next week as well.
i'm tired of explaining how busy i am. and i'm tired of hearing people say "i know how you feel" because they don't. they can try to understand, but they don't know how i feel.
i sense a replay of the period i came back from the US after my camp...when i narrated my experiences and no one believed it could get that bad.
similarly, if you ain't in my shoes at this moment, you wouldn't believe how bad things are.
can you believe that there are people who actually told me "oh come on, it can't be that bad!"
it tore me apart.
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