looking back at how i was in primary school, you would never think i'd turn out to be like this...not that i've gotten rid of that inferior complex.

i remember this one time when i asked my mom if all non-goodlooking girls will grow up to look beautiful. i remember she said that they most probably will.

such inane questions...yet so much insight as a little one.

in secondary school, i rose to become one of the more well-known (read: popular) faces around. i bore a neverending stream of committments and people respected me somewhat...whatever people respected you for in secondary school i don't know. i guess at that time, it did feel good to be thought of as THE ONE.

then in mass comm, i started off just fine...working off the steam leftover from secondary school, except that i was more wary of people, having found myself just a few months earlier. after a few knock-downs, i just couldn't be bothered anymore. i went about my work, choosing to focus on getting good grades and working towards that one goal. interpersonal relations didn't matter to me. i mean...i wasn't a bitch, but i wasn't lil' miss sunshine either. i became labeled as "unapproachable". well, at least the people who've worked with me called me "independant" and "focused" rather than a plain and simple "bitchy".

so i leave poly, and my focus wavers for a bit because my goal turned out to be THAT unachievable. i retreated even more as i realized how unattainable that goal seemed to be.

i got my ears pierced yesterday...but that wasn't the denuemont of the day.

rather, it was saying the things i've always thought about out loud, and actually letting them sink in.

was out with rachel the whole day...just hanging and talking. of course, there's the usual male-bashing but that wasn't the IT (c'mon guys, you don't expect it all to be about you, do you?). the whole day was about us feeling good as girls, and how it's a blessing to be women. it was about empowerment, and of how despite being rated secondary by the patriachy, we've managed to work with our place in society, and rise above the shit the patriachal order expects us to fall from.

men are simple creatures. women, though often generalized as confused, complicated and emotional beings, are more often that not, as simple-minded as men...of course, you've gotta strip them down to nothingness to be able to observe that. at the end of the day, both species want the same thing.

i told rachel that most women let emotion get the better of them, and that's the part men don't get. arguments are mere "bleeps" in their lives...they don't ponder over it like women do. women get paranoid, lose sleep and cry over things like that. when quarrels happen, women think "shit...does this mean it's over? does he not want me anymore? i don't know what i'll do if he stops wanting me...", while men, on the other hand, would think of it as a meaningless tiff. the trouble sets in when both species refuse to even try to understand each other...because both are too stubborn and have too much pride.

pride gets in the way of a hell lotta things. people refuse to act on their feelings, or stand by their words because PRIDE's the name of the whole game. i've taken to equate PRIDE to BEING ON GUARD of late. quite recently, i tried setting aside some of my pride to make something work, and when that came crashing down on me, i got sorely disappointed and somewhat hurt. so the moral of the story is: trust your instincts. if you think it ain't gonna happen, it probably won't.

tell the people who try to turn you to fuck off.

a mass mail i sent out friday...

my week of leave has effectively come to a crashing end.

so it is not with a heightened sense of well-being that i return to work with, but with a heavy heart and a constant struggle to tell myself to just "fuck it" and move on or to stay and see everything through.

the details aren't important. what is...is that i've allowed such things to get to me, when they used to be mere flies i just swat off. people have told me how nice it is to see the change - moving on from that jaded mess with no feel, to someone who's sharing somewhat.

just a few days ago, i was telling this one person that i don't want to feel. feeling is such a bane and i lose my focus if i start feeling. but he's convinced me that it's a good thing...to feel. i guess that's when i started letting my guard down a little. then, guess what? same thing happens...vicious cycle repeats itself...

i spent the last night, feeling extremely angry with myself, and sparring internally. it was the usual "fuck it serene...what's the point...these people aren't worth it". but i guess deep down, i know they are...that's why i was trying to bring out that best in them. i just hope that they wouldn't keep taking advantage of me that way.

i sense myself turning back into that jaded mess. will someone kindly pull me aside and slap me before i reach the point of no return?

to the people who haven't seen me the way i was in poly: please forgive my impending actions and attitude. i'm regrouping...and that means feelings will not be meaning anything to me anymore. i've tried to change that...but i guess i've been driven to such a point where i've decided this is the best way to do things.

serene: smile and tell the world to screw it...no one matters that much. you've only got two hands...there's only so much you can do. tell the rest to just fuck it.

thing is: i can't.

an entry from lainey's blog, supposedly inspired by me. then again, we've kinda led such parallel lives when it comes to the subject matter...

"it seems that this is the classic move of guys this days. i mean, i got out of the dating scene and got into a full-time relationship for two years. and this is the classic move that has besieged me and my girlfriends of late.

1) guy expresses interest
2) girl responds favourably
3) guy adores girl
4) girl wants to take things slow.
5) guy wants a commited relationship.
6) guy promises girl the world.
7) girl relents.
8) girl feels adored.
9) guy tells girl, "let's just hang out and have fun".
10) girl goes "what the fuck???" but has no other fucking option.

i don't want to be some male-basher, but what the fuck is going on and what the hell do you guys want? leg warmers to prevent blardy cold-feet???? go back to the eighties man."

perhaps i should change my blog title to catharsis...as inspired by lainey. after all, writing is my outlet. but, like lainey, my writing seems to jinx everything.

just one week after my previous entry...here i am, all fucked up yet still going. i mean, no one needs to tell me to pick myself up and stay strong...cuz i know i'm capable of it; that no matter how much of rock bottom i seem to be at, i'd still be able to go about with my life. so you asses: don't, for even one second, think i'm to be messed with.

i've regrouped. so i guess i've failed myself to some extent. i haven't been able to keep caring...or stay on my "changed" track. i'm back to the "screw you all" stage, and completely devoid of all feeling. of course, i can still act some, and tell you what you want to hear...behave like i'm the only one who understands. fuck it serene.

i want to sleep...let the darkness engulf me...take me as a whole for once. at least night rages won't be able to consume me if i were to fall into deep slumber.

it's a wonder how close proximity can lead two people to do certain things.

it's like, a force so great that can even belittle the like-pole theory...in the physical sense, at least.

i mean...we were in the gallery, and right under everyone's noses, he put his hand on my knee...left it there. i, of course, had to have zilch expression so as not to give it away.

geez.

People talk. To me. Some of them get so comfortable they spill life's trials and tribulations in the short period of time we spend together.

Then there are those who don't. Talk, I mean. And I know I should be glad they don't pour everything out to me, but I guess I'm just a little unnerved by it all. I realize these people probably care too much to unload their emotional baggage on someone who's already hunched from the load on her back.

I simply can't remember when this whole "talk to serene" thing started, or how it "got about". It does seem like Cole brought out the shrink in me, with our constant intellectual sparring and me trying to get him to think out of the box. Then there were my few babies in CNH, Summer 2001. We stood by each other...cried in each others' arms. Coming back to Singapore, as freaked and wary as I was about the world, I still managed to let my guard down enough for people to talk to me. Thing is: I don't get them to talk. They just do.

On my most recent London trip, I did expect to be bonding with my team girls. I ended up spending time in the room of one of them, listening to how she grew up and all. Then came the tears. Now that's another thing. Tears. It's dawned on me quite recently that when people speak to me, they usually end up crying at some point. And I do feel bad about that. Sometimes I try to force the tears out just to make them feel less alone, but most times, it doesn't work that way.

My only outlet, to this day, is my writing and sharing little bits of myself with the people who speak to me. I don't narrate my life story, but I do tell whatever's relevant to their situation and the conclusion of it. Geez...I do sound like a freakin' 50-year-old.

Ms Kuan just sent me an sms this afternoon...asking if Cole fancies me. I smiled to myself as I read that, at the same time wondering where the hell she got that idea from. She said VIBES. And VIBES seem to be what's getting everyone talking about HIM and I. Oh well, we'll see where those VIBES take us...