"Yo babe...buenos dias...muchas gracias por anoche. me gusto bailando con tu y tus amigos. quiero bailar otra. hasta proxima la semana...entiendo?"

si, amigo.

my classmate from jitterbugs salsa joined my rueda circle at xenbar friday night.

on our way there, we were discussing spanish verbs, since he's taking lessons now.

when i told him that a passenger once said that i'm "muy bonita", he said that i'm nore of "hermoso".

not "guapo", but "hermoso".

i haven't heard that for a very long time. =)

guapo - pretty

hermoso - beautiful

THE GREATEST STORY EVER TOLD

of all the bloody fuckers i've met through my journalistic career, last thursday's took the cake.

i'm so not gonna name the local blue-chip which has an O&M arm, an infrastructure arm, and owns a commanding stake in a local petroleum company, among other things.

i had gone to the group's analysts and press briefing in the evening, feeling good because i had pre-arranged an interview with one of the panelists for the evening.

as soon as i reported my attendance, i felt totally odd.

the smattering of faces around me looked very unfamiliar, and they all had plastics of grins plastered on their contorted little faces. urgh.

then, of course, vernon turns up and some form of normality resumes. for me, that is.

vernon is so..."i-don't-give-a-fuck-at-how-you-look-at-me-because-i'm-fucking-my-own-person". and that's why it's nice to have him around in situations like that.

as i entered the ballroom to grab a seat, i noticed how sanitized the whole thing seemed to be.

*realize that i used the word "sanitized" instead of "pristine" because i meant for the word to leave a bad taste.

not a chair out of place...the panelists' table smacked right in the middle of the stage...and THE LIGHTS...OH THE LIGHTS TURNED UP TO MAKE YOU SQUINT...

and you know this is no ordinary results briefing when the panelists march in in footdrill precision. then as they settle down behind the long table, you realize that they seemed to be in identical suits, with identical red ties.

now these old men behind that long table are very powerful people.

but as old men go...they're probably a few of the nastiest around.

(yeah yeah...maybe they're just jaded after being screwed over once too many times in the business world...but still...)

it's natural for journalists and analysts to shoot the panel questions about their numbers at earnings briefings, so the panel shouldn't be too disgruntled about answering such queries.

these three grumpy old men would pre-fix their answers with a line which insinuated the journalist/analyst didn't keep up with news on the company and those questions have been answered somewhere out there, then proceed to answer the question proper.

so the most ironic shit here is this:

some idiot sent in a two-page-long list of questions via email...with two out of the three questions totally unrelated to the event of the day.

how unrelated?

imagine the panel answering this:

"why do people need to submit their picture and expected salary when they apply for a job?"

like...why the fuck would the panel even bother to read out that bloody question?

but they did.

and they fucking insinuate that we don't know our shit. bah.

THAT'S NOT ALL.

remember how i "secured" an interview over the phone?

well, the heads of the corporate communications division didn't know about it, so no...i hadn't "secured" the interview.

look...i shall not deprive you of the moment's tension so here's the transcript of what transpired:

general manager (GM): what do you want?

me: i called the other day to confirm my attendance and informed you that i wanted to interview a member of the panel.

GM: oh, you should've just hooked your mike up to our speaker system and recorded the Q&A just now. because everything you need would've been said then.

(i go on to tell her about how we usually have Q&As between phonecaster and interviewee plunked into the reports, not just soundbites. then she calls her assistant over and starts arguing with her.)

me: look, i don't know what happened in between, but i DID call last week and asked for an interview to be arranged. the person even called me back to ask who i'd like to interview!

GM: who did you call?

me: evon.

GM: evon is a freakin' intern! she must have just taken your attendance!

(turns to her AGM): i don't care, you'd better sort this out.

then she storms away.

the AGM was nice enough...and got one of the panelists (aka one of the grumpy old farts) to speak to me.

as soon as i asked my first question, the fella laughs and says...

"it's obvious you haven't been reading about the company's news and what we've released to the public."

if he had hoped to throw me off with that, he was so wrong.

i smiled at him and responded...

"reading is reading, listening is listening. personally, i prefer to listen because it adds credibility."

and he just laughed at me. like...whatever.

so we did the interview and he freakin' answered all my questions with that tinge of sarcasm.

(i'm serious. i have all the prove in the interview.)

after the interview, the AGM very nicely asked me to take out some bits of what the guy said.

and i'm just thinking to myself...

"this fella is so media-trained he should know what to say and what not to. why the hell should i need to sensor anything?"

oh well. so that's over.

as i was packing up my stuff, he looked over for one more time and said "nice haircut".

i shot a look at him, smiled, said "right", then went back to packing. like...buzz off, asshole.

then he had to bully the guy i work with.

i've never seen my semi-colleague being stumped like that.

so yeah...that was the most fucked-up briefing i've ever attended.

but i'm glad i didn't back down for a single second on that outing, especially in front of the people who own half of the country.

kiss my ass, suckers.

FALLEN

"why wasn't i in your wedding photographs?"

- a little girl asked of her father.

my heart had quite a laugh at that but the face only showed a smidgeon of emotion.

the question popped out of a television commercial i chanced upon, right after the matriach asked me a question of her own...

"are you done being mad?"

my insides just sunk to their lowest when she asked it. and even lower still when she said the patriach was VERY upset that i don't seem to want to communicate.

i so wanted to retort with a...

"and are you done making this all about you?"

but of course, she, being the matriach, would start rolling her eyes and wondering what i was talking about. a bout of crying would probably ensue.

after the last couple of weeks of trying to get a life outside all the noise, i'm feeling a little better.

and it really isn't because i ain't talking to the parental unit.

it's mainly because i'm getting more things done and feeling extremely productive.

if i were, indeed, feeling a lot better about not talking to the up-and-aboves, i'd be outta here by now.

so the patriach is getting stumped.

and, by telling me so, i assume the matriach wants me to do something about it.

this brings me back to the days of...

"but asking for love is not selfish."

fucking bullshit.

after various attempts at exposing my reality to the unit, i've learnt that the two cells will never ever learn to simply accept the being of me.

and i accept that.

i remember saying this to a friend...

"sometimes, you just need to accept it. you don't need to understand it."

when two people run on different planes...the parallity will ensure that the two never meet.

but planes exist alongside each other.

they aren't mutually exclusive.

do you understand any of this, at all?

HOLD MY HAND

lethargy drained me of any real productivity today.

the only good that came out of it was that i was forced to turn down the lights for a while and nod off while watching CSI.

ironically, it was during that "nodding off" that the image of one hand clasping another tightly floated into my mind.

the picture came from monday night.

i was on the bus home after a MAJOR (trust me, you'll freak if you found out how much we ate) pig-out session.

as we pulled up at a traffic light, this car stopped by my side of the bus.

try as i might have, i couldn't help taking a glance at the people inside.

i couldn't see any faces.

what i did see though, were a pair of hands on the passenger's lap.

one belonged to the driver, and the other, the passenger.

it wasn't just a casual "i-lay-my-hand-on-top-of-yours" kinda thing.

there was some serious hand-holding going on.

and it was the most beautiful thing.

at that moment, i wish i had my canon eos50e by my side.

the lighting, the angle, the shadows...they were all perfect.

the faceless figures completed the mirage.

i think i shall get me some tmax 100 and take me camera out for a walk this weekend.

*my rueda classmate just smsed, for the umpteenth time:

"come for a while lah. btw, want to dance salsa with you also."

what have i gotten myself into? =)

RAIN

Sometimes it feels no one understands
I don't even know why
I do the things I do

When pride builds me up
Till I can't see my soul
Will you break down these walls
And call me through...

i was multi-tasking, as usual.

helping an old friend of mine duplicate the contents of a cassette tape, as well as laying down and getting ready for rest.

and because cassette tapes are such old technology now, duplicating it means listening to it as well.

for the past week, this guy has been gently prodding me to get it dubbed for him quick, because he says "it means a lot to him" and he was a little paranoid i'll screw up his tapes.

i was getting slightly irritated...until i heard its contents.

if i wasn't so fatigued and numbed, i would probably have teared.

it was a musical diary he submitted to a local, chinese radio station.

he had written about his sister, who passed on more than a year back.

however touching the entire piece was, the part that really got to me was when he wrote:

"i had to write this as a third person, because it's less painful than relating it from my point of view."

i wonder if pain would cease over time.

and if it wouldn't, why do we all need our own time to get over things?

for the longest time, whenever i discuss a certain topic, i'd feel that tinge of sadness creeping up my belly, up into my chest cavity, then slowly up into my nose and my eyes.

i'd be lucky if i were able to stop it there.

would time and a pseudo-reality of space allow you more room to think?

people would argue that space is subjective, and if you condition yourself the right way, you can always have "space".

but how about space, literally?

having your own physical space, being thrown in the middle of nowhere alone...wouldn't it be a form of conditioning as well?

and if you had THAT space, you'd have no other means than to work within THAT space.

when that happens, you'd be placed in a new plane of reality altogether, and you can, then, think differently.

i shall be passing my friend his tapes on wednesday, when i meet him briefly, at work.

come wednesday, i will offer him a warm smile and a friendly handshake.

somehow, i know that'll be enough. for then.

sometimes, words just won't cut it.

when the time comes for us to feel too awkward to speak, please...

just offer me a smile and a handshake.

and when i turn to walk away after our meeting, let me walk.

for even as i tear...i shall feel a certain relief.

thank you for being that silent presence by me when i needed you.

thank you, really.

NO MATTER WHAT

most of my reflective pieces derive from two to three days worth of pondering.

though this simple question from last night triggered a look-back:

"have you ever dined out alone?"

i answered in the affirmative, but i couldn't quite remember when it was that i had.

in the last ten minutes, one scene of my dining alone came into mind, clear as crystal.

i can't remember when it was, but i remember the instance as if it were just yesterday.

i joined the queue of couples and families at the heeren's sakae sushi outlet.

it's ridiculous to mute yourself and stay in the queue, knowing that there's definitely going to be that ONE seat for you...but i was feeling cheeky and wanted to observe the crowd's reaction to that fateful question:

"how many are there in your party?"

it'd be unfair of me to call the host presumptious, since she probably relies on that certain foresight to seat people.

but i'm extremely tempted to. =) and i'd call the crowd that as well.

she was about to pass me after jotting down a number "2" on her notepad when i cleared my throat and corrected her...

"no, just one."

the chatter around seemed to have come to a screeching halt and stares were thrown in my direction.

the looks traveled from the queue, into the restaurant, and all the way to my seat.

it was rather amusing, really.

then i remember an episode of sex and the city, where, at the beginning of the show, carrie felt extremely self-conscious and downright horrible sitting at a cafe and dining alone. of course, the episode ended with her walking into a restaurant all confident, and asking for a table. for one.

something so simple as dining alone needs one to be so comfortable in her own skin...just to attempt to carry that off.

do i feel like i've accomplished something by being able to eat alone? no.

i suppose it's because doing things alone has become second nature to me.

for the longest time, i thought it was a woman thing...to be afraid of being seen walking alone down the street, dining alone, watching a movie alone.

so you can imagine how this hit me...one day...that MEN ARE AFRAID TOO.

it's not a woman thing, nor is it a man thing. it's a HUMAN THING.

last night, i was forced to admit i enjoy going against social norms.

it isn't about me enjoying the attention thereafter.

take my hair, for example.

if i had enjoyed the attention that much, i would've kept my long hair.

sure...i had the impetus to chop off my locks, but what fueled that, was the way most people were telling me not to.

*note that i said "the way most people were telling me not to", instead of just "most people telling me not to".

out of the copious smses i received about my hair, only two really stood out.

the first one came from Jac:

"our hair is at our own disposal. just do what makes you feel good. =)"

the other came from Yen:

"you look great in any hairstyle! go for it!"

then vernon smsed a few days after IT...

"aiyah...you're still the sweet lass i knew from three years ago. who cares about the hair?!"

in other news...

something's just gotten me extremely irritated.

but that's just me with the oh-so-high standards talking.

CABEZA, HOMBROS, RODILLAS, DEDOS

"Oh no! You've cut your hair? It'll grow...take heart that at least you're a pretty boy. ;)"

- Chester

not a day went by without people commenting on my new do.

the girls like it, and the guys just go "WHY?!"

i think han lim got it so right when he said...

"i think they admire your guts for chopping off your hair."

yeah...so much so they feel so absolutely tempted to chop theirs off as well. bah.

today was one of the rare times i actually witnessed a couple of people doing double-takes on me.

i say "rare" because i've often heard of it happening but never actually saw it.

i wonder if it's the hair. or not.

if it is, why? and if it's not, WHY?!

i wish i could step out of myself for once and walk down the street in the opposite direction of me...just to see what i'm all about and what my public image is.

with all that self-awareness talk, i still cannot understand why people would look at me.

i suppose i've built up the independence and confidence through my childhood of wall-flowering, and for people to begin noticing me...it's just unthinkable. and weird.

imagine: i was so low at one point in my life i even asked my mom if ugly kids will grow up to be pretty...as in the story of the ugly duckling.

rueda was FANTASTIC today.

we headed to the esplanade right after class for a practice session, which garnered loadsa attention from passer-bys.

i think we all enjoyed the looks to some extent...haha...attention whores.

it's nice to see how we laugh at each others' mistakes non-condescendingly.

i actually enjoyed all my screw-ups because it'd make everyone else laugh!

we danced so much we collapsed into a heap as dusk took over.

and while a couple made a move to their other activities, the rest of us contemplated union, but decided against it and went for dinner instead.

it was a rather relaxing evening, i'd say.

though the seemingly endless rueda-ing probably wiped off the calories from last night's double-scoop gelare...haha.

every other saturday should be like today...ending off with a nice chat with a new friend. a new friend who doesn't judge, or at least, tries not to.

the thing about the two of us is...we'd always sms each other to thank the other for the wonderful chat and evening.

i always feel a lot better after talking to him. even if i don't talk about what's bothering me.

i like bouncing my ideas and thoughts off him.

now this may sound odd...but the more i talk to him, the more i enjoy being single.

he kinda puts singlehood into perspective for me when he tells me why he still is...single. and there you go...he's put my thoughts into words.

we are both single for different reasons, but we share similar sentiments when it comes to why we choose to be single.

my parting shot for this evening...

if only i could bottle femininity in a jar and sell it to the trannies of the world, i would probably make a fortune.

it's funny how much more feminine (even sexy) i feel in my new hairdo...

EMOTION

blogger wouldn't process my entry this morning. dang.

anyways...

union sends me to two polarities of emotions.

most times, i get a heightened sense of well-being, feeling the beat of latina musica as i stroll towards its entrance.

sometimes, i could be sitting in the midst of the sea of bodies close, and would so feel like tearing.

and that'd be the time i'd leave.

i know...i'm mental.

anyways...

i know ya'll are dying to see my new do...so here it is...



vernon complimented me on my skin =)

frankly, i wouldn't have dared to think of such a hairstyle if i had major skin blemishes.

but geez...i feel odd dancing without my long hair swishing around.

it's like...i have to reposition my CG.

oh well.

DOWNTOWN

so here i am, in the office, waiting for time to pass before i head downtown for dinner with vernon.

my stomach's making odd, gurgling noises and hunger's gnawing at its walls.

hmm...i just remembered that the only stuff i had today were the two mouthfuls of vege-rice and several gulps of soup this morning.

it seems like i've been eating copious amounts of i-don't-know-whats for the past few days.

actually, it started last week with the nightly dinner dates.

and i'm down by one kilogram. go figure.

there might just be something wrong with me.

oh well...off to stuff myself with glorious food, once again.

hope i get to dance some tonight.

RUEDA RUEDA RUEDA!

MR POSTMAN

i sent an email to a friend this morning.

while typing the text up, the thought process allowed me some reflection.

i wondered out loud how i was able to cope with the many things i'm involved in, and how salsa managed to squeeze its way into my already packed schedule.

i ended off the email with:

"if you're really that passionate about something, you'll find a way to make things work out."

for the uninitiated, i wasn't born a dancer. i had two left feet.

*i know...hard to believe but it's true! i would've never been seen as "a dancer". not even close.

this week has been pretty boggy.

it sure looks like i've got a whole lotta shit on my plate, but i don't seem to be rushing...hmm.

i need some leg warmers to pull up.

next week i shall start working like hell.

i'm feeling numb because someone said something nasty about me and even though i'd usually turn my cheek to such comments i can't do so now because it has something to do with my competency.

and i can't tolerate comments which question my competency.

yes it affects me, even if it came from someone who doesn't know me and the circumstances i worked under.

after all, i am the frontliner.

and, whatever it is, i get the brunt of it...first.

DREAM A LITTLE DREAM

it was a beautiful night under the "would-be-stars-if-the-clouds-hadn't-gotten-in-the-way", with wonderful, chilling breezes in passing.

ash and i had dinner with the megatron at The Courtyard, and were mouthing the words to every song the jazz band was playing.

there weren't exactly mixed reactions to my new hairstyle yesterday, though there was an expansive use of various adjectives i never thought people would use to describe me.

words like "sexy" and "young" were among the heap, and they were thrown at me by two members of senior management.

hair-aside, angus and i got a mention in tom's new book! we're not sure what we were included for, but hell...it sure is something.

i like the idea of the new year...and renewal.

have you ever thought of being a tv star?

well, besides wanting to be a travel show host, i don't suppose i have.

thought of being one, that is.

someone asked me that question saturday.

and when i said no, he asked why not.

i said if i had wanted to act, i would want to get into musical theater...let's face it, i'm not a tv sorta actor. i don't have the "idol" look.

thanks to all who've complimented me on my looks one way or another.

i've just chopped off all my hair and am left with a head full of spikes.

we'll see how i tackle this challenge :)

SHE'S SO HIGH

now for some catharsis before i start strumming away about global active's scandal...

while striding home from scout/lion dance meeting, i went through my mental checklist of stuff i wanted to bring up before the meeting.

i hadn't missed a single point!

and that's pretty surprising, considering my drunken state.

i walked into a roomful of boys changing into their lion dance gear...and they just took one glance at who just walked in, and continued changing.

jason said they don't see me as "a girl" anymore, so they aren't shy about stripping down to their boxers in front of me. of course, the little ones would be slightly more conscious...so yeah, i'll give them their changing space. haha.

as one of my leaders tried to arrange a meeting time with me for sometime during the week, i realized how packed my date book was already. he had to make do with a couple of hours friday morning, right before my date with jac and probably dance therapy in the evening.

speaking of which...if you're as much of a salsa fanatic as me, don't go to union square before 2100hrs. to be safe, arrive at 2130hrs.

the lot of us got there at about 2045hrs because they wanted to watch the soccer match. the music was horrible...well, for a salsa club, that is. they were playing the beatles, police, and the like. i loved the music, but not at the club i want to salsa at!

your parents ever wondered if you were gay?

mine have. well, my mom has, rather.

the topic came up as han lim and i were discussing effeminate men and how parents would feel if they found their kids to be gay.

so i told him how the "my daughter may be lesbian" thing came about with my mom. then i asked if he would ever suspect me to be anything but heterosexual.

he said he would never suspect it because i'm ALWAYS in the company of men.

and i'm like "huh?" when am i ever ALWAYS in the company of men?

last night was the first time i've heard that phrase used on me.

but i suppose it's true to some extent.

when han lim sees me, he always sees me with my male salsa classmates.

other than at salsa, i don't believe i have close guy friends to really hang out with. and you probably wouldn't see me with men anyway.

of course, if you were to see me with my bosses, that'll be another thing.

by the way, don't label me an SPG just because you often see me walking around town in between two caucasian men.

*stop sniggering, ashley!

it sure doesn't help the "non-straight" vibe when ashley calls me her lesbian lover...

time to go speculate about global active.

S'WONDERFUL

physically-spent.

that's how i feel.

though yesterday's personal dancing fiesta was well worth the aching muscles and numbing state of mind.

while salsa alone widened my social circle, salsa rueda puts a whole new meaning to that.

we actually dance in a circle.

and it's so fun because, even if we have our own rueda circle, couples from anywhere else can join in.

of course, our circle is so amatuerish if the experienced guys called out the commands we don't know, we'd be stuck wondering what the hell to do next.

oh well...what to do? we're only into our second lesson.

so after class yesterday, a few of us arranged to meet at union to practise rueda.

problem is: no one is that familiar with the commands and the counts they can execute them on. and everyone's afraid to be the first one to call.

so i did the "serene" thing and volunteered to try.

(girls don't usually call in rueda...in all the circles i've seen so far, the caller's usually male. perhaps it's because the guys are supposed to lead?)

frankly, i wanted to try because i remembered all the commands and wanted to entrench them into my spanish vocabulary.

so i cocked up a couple of times on my first try, but i got better on my next two shots! ;)

i'm so lovin' it!

p.s: okay...that wasn't how i meant to end it but i'm feeling so drunk now it's hard to put thoughts into words. and i don't drink.

YOU'VE GOT A FRIEND

Now ain't it good to know that you've got a friend
When people can be so cold
They'll hurt you
And desert you
They'll take your soul if you let them
Oh but don't you let them

a magical song to end a jarring, yet magical day.

today was filled with songs at the right times and places.

(BREAKING NEWS!!! Serene Tan of Global Active has just resigned as COO and Cynthia Poa is staying put as CEO!!! Fishy?)

big story big story big story!

anyways...back to the magic.

while fatigue got me pretty cranky this morning, the tunes on my iPod just lifted me up on the bus ride to the office.

as we passed the fullerton, josh groban's "believe" came on.

yes, that's the song from the polar express.

even in broad daylight, the hotel emanates a sort of magical feel about it.

as the bus turned the corner and the full frontal of the fullerton came into view, my heart sank at the sight of the empty spaces between the pillars.

the teardrop sprigs which hung from the top of the building down into those empty spaces were gone.

and, for the moment, the magic just dissipated.

but "believe" still played on. and the image of the fullerton at night during christmas came into full view.

that was one of the most beautiful moments of the day.

i felt on cloud nine as i strode to the office after alighting the bus.

of course, nice starts are just that...nice starts.

the day always has a way of screwing itself up. though it really wasn't that bad today.

i was just tired.

was tuning in to gold 90 fm on my way home from dinner with yen.

so there i was...strolling home from the bus stop, when the first strains of this song stopped me in my tracks.

it was the song that got me singing in front of crowds...the one my fellow counsellors often write me to tell me they miss...the one song that's closest to my heart.

carole king's beautiful number "you've got a friend".

it felt odd because i hadn't heard that song in such a long time...and for it to just come on after a long and somewhat frustrating day, it was extremely uplifting.

thank you all for the music; my salvation.

FUCKIN' TIRED.

but...

sunshine on my window makes me happy.

TONIGHT, TONIGHT

as far as i can remember, i haven't been dined like i have tonight.

i had dinner with someone who is already attached (or so he claims).

it was an interesting experience, trying to delve into who this person is, and why he is the smooth operator he is.

perhaps it's that mess of jade which, in this case, allows me to be more objective when it comes to him.

otherwise, i'd probably be hanging on his arm every friday night at salsa.

(urgh...what a gross thought.)

you know what? maybe i'm just repulsed by the thought of him being such a player.

and that's probably why i'm not hanging on to every word he says.

so fine, i'm not objective. haha.

back to dinner and conversation.

we talked about everything...what i do, what he does, stocks, music, tv serials, trashy boybands...and then he gave me a ride home.

ashley asked if he was a nice date.

despite the irk i have towards him, he does make a very good conversationalist...

and conversation, to me, makes a good date. comfortable silences inclusive. though, with him, the silence would be accompanied by a creepy gaze and a sly smile.

of course, that's just my subjective use of words.

i suppose he is a pretty nice guy, and his zest shines through his laughter.

and i can now sorta understand his apprehension when getting to know people better.

he doesn't speak it, but i figure if i were as young, rich and successful as he is, i'd be pretty wary of the people around me too.

whenever i chance upon him at the club, i'd watch him float around from table to table, chatting up women (and, on the odd ocassion, men too) and getting free drinks.

(i once called him a slut because he said he would dance with the ladies and they'd buy him drinks...hahaha)

i used to think he's just someone who loves to flirt and relishes the adoring gazes showered upon him.

i mean...women want to bed him and men want to be him.

tonight's changed those deals for me.

now, when i see him flit from table to bar counter and then back, i see someone chasing opportunity and trying ways to leverage on whatever he gets.

i have the feeling that tonight's meal wasn't for free.

then again, i was also trying to leverage off our relationship of acquaintance for another gain.

the world is so filled with us -

corporate whores.

HOW BIZARRE

this is SO bizarre.

it's late and i get an sms from thomas.

and i'm so trying to tell him that i'm so not the intended receiver of the sms.

so knowing thomas, i told him in a rather cheeky way.

and he smses me again to ask if he would see me on tuesday!

so i responded...

Uh...are you sure you're getting the right person this time around? Lemme spell it out for you...I AM SERENE FROM YOUR SALSA CLASS. Now you're just freakin me out...

haha...maybe he's now too embarrassed to sms back.

hmm...today today.

(geez...my head was just filled with refrains of west side story's "tonight")

i wonder if i'm turning ally mcbeal-ish.

whenever i see certain scenes play out in front of me, i'd automatically put a soundtrack from a musical to it. and the music would run in my head as the whole scene plays out.

*okay...thomas just smsed back and he really is asking me out for dinner. hmm...what's that fella up to? oh well, anything for my lion dance troupe. that funny ass had better pay big money to see me perform. LION DANCE LAH!

and back to musicals.

why do i keep seeing my own life playing out as a musical?

something's cropped up.

excuse me while i solve a fuck-up.

I DREAM

what happens when you start drinking after a long time away from that bad stuff?

your body breaks out in patches of red.

well, at least that's what's happening to me tonight.

before you get all holier than thou with me, i only had ONE glass of champagne. just one glass...though i think i may have downed it a little too fast.

and it was only because it's a colleague's birthday and i just had to toast him.

i can safely say that i was the ONLY girl at the club in baggy pants and a polo tee. and i'm damn proud of it ;)

the new friend was kind enough to insist on his company all the way till howard's birthday bash, which was at 2230 hrs...or so.

so after rueda (which is majorly cool) and a quick meal, we went down to borders to grab a gift for howard.

sigh...silly boy. i knew he was tired so i kept trying to chase him home to rest, but he said he had no plans and would be okay keeping me company.

so at 2000 hrs, he suggested we try to catch a show...and kungfu hustle turned out to be funny shit. not too bad for a stephen chow film.

it was just 2130 hrs after the show ended. again, i chased him home and said i'll walk him to the mrt station, but he said he'll hang around till howard's bash.

so we go to macdonalds and talk. and later walked me to meet andreas and ashley.

i am grateful for his presence...the new friend.

but this thought fell in sight earlier:

perhaps i shouldn't get too close to him.

truth is, i don't want to fall for him. don't ask me why...i just don't want to.

you see...the new friend is really the ex-crushee. and i don't want to ruin what we have now.

the moment romantic feelings come into the picture, things'll change.

eeeeks! i don't want to think of all this now!

he is just a friend, and one of my multiple dancing partners.

there.

i screwed up big time at work today.

but i danced for three hours non-stop, so that's enough to keep me going all night working on a solution. =)

yes...three hours and an almost full-blown cramp later, i'm home, washed and ready to work my way outta this mess i've gotten myself into.

sometimes it's a curse to only have one PC to work with, but sometimes, the MAC can work in case of the PC's shortfall.

so tonight, it's just gonna be me and my baby iBook.

up...all night long.

thank you salsa...again.

I'M BEGINNING TO SEE THE LIGHT

sometimes, it's just fun to play dumb for a bit.

like...pretend you don't know the language. in this case, the dialect.

just a couple of days ago, my workmate introduced me to this guy as "his working partner". in cantonese.

then this guy says something like "she can be your girlfriend as well right?"

and my workmate says he'd have to get a queue number to date me.

so the guy laughs and says "then i'd better get my number too!"

look...this conversation is happening right in front of me.

i can't remember what else my workmate said, but i felt too embarrassed to let this go on, so i looked at my workmate and told him to "shut up".

and they both looked at me in surprise...realizing i did know cantonese.

last evening, while having dinner with the ex-crushee, i realized how extremely rational i was during the crush period.

now that it's over, and i'm superbly less uptight, i'm starting to have a lot more fun with the people around me.

stress aside, this week's a great week to resume salsa lessons.

and to start rueda with a new buncha people, plus a new friend =)

here's something i found while clearing up some documents on the comp...

i almost forgot i had written this.

You told me you felt pain
In my eyes you saw fear
I could never comprehend

In my arms you found solace
My kisses realized passion
My smile felt like the sun

But everytime you look my way
I flounder
I lose my words
I stop

And I blame you
For making me feel

You taught me to think
Helped me to feel
Forced me to mask my vulnerability

You raised me up
Told me to stand tall
Embrace my fragility

And through it all
I only took

And I’m sorry
But that’s just the way I am.

It’s startling to realize the similarities.

JOY TO THE WORLD

ashley and i were almost screaming at each other over the phone today...and it wasn't becaused we were pissed at each other.

it was because of STRESS. we are SO FUCKING STRESSED UP it's not funny.

but on some sadistic note, i think we rather like it.

if this is what's indicative of what's to come during the year...man, it sure is gonna be one helluva ride.

i did two interviews today.

the first one with a guy who thought i didn't understand cantonese, and then was so friendly that when i bade him goodbye, he sent me off with a slap on my arm.

a sign of friendship, i assume =)

the other interview i did was with the CEO of this company that's been in the news of late.

SHE IS MY IDOL. I WANT TO BE LIKE HER.

she's got balls, i tell ya.

'nuff said. back to the miso soup to cure my running nose.

my good friend jason is getting married. in december.

he's asked me to sing for his wedding, with our band.

he's made me promise.

and i will hold him to that promise.

because he's been there for me. and he's taken shit from me.

and i owe him big. =)

i will sing at your wedding DP.

thanks for still calling me Puff all these years.

i will sing for you.

OYE

of late, there've been an increasing number of people asking me why i took up salsa.

and i've done such a great job of convincing people it was because i love to dance.

heck...i've even managed to convince myself.

i just realized i've never really answered their question.

WHY SALSA IN PARTICULAR?

someone at a party told me it's usually such a progression...

1) Hip Hop

2) Jazz

3) Latin Jazz

4) Salsa

looking back, i suppose that's true to some extent.

when i started dancing, i started with hip hop and followed up through to latin jazz. and that's where my first taste of salsa came from. sure, latin jazz gave me a little merengue and cha cha cha, but it was salsa that really pulled me in.

but i procrastinated and only began lessons last about five months back...more than three years after i wanted to take classes.

my first brush with salsa post-latin jazz...pre-camp orientation in chicago. the columbians taught me how to shake my booty and the camp director spun and dipped me. though three months later, i was too emotionally traumatized to remember any of that fun. it all came back much later though.

the next brush came sometime in the first half of last year, i think. on a cruise ship. i took a one-hour learn-to-salsa class and man...the moment i got off that ship, i was already deciding on when and where to take classes.

okay fine. so it wasn't just the one-hour class. it really was the guy i danced with. the brazilian guy. i can't even remember his name.

ladies...one thing you outta know: you haven't danced salsa if you haven't danced it with a latin american.

i say this, bearing no discrimination for the local chaps. you can be the best dancer in singapore, but you're just different from those latin american fellas.

when i danced with that guy...i could just feel the heat emanating from within him. his touch was light, but man...was it sizzling hot!

to be fair to the men...you so HAVE TO dance with one of the laydees as well. trust me, you'll see the difference.

another thing about salsa i absolutely love is, with the right partner, you'll feel sexy when you dance.

now i am not "sexy". come on. i do not ooze sex appeal, neither do i dress it.

but when i'm on that dancefloor with the right fella, i feel it. =)

and that's probably the ONLY time i feel sexy.

SO WHY SALSA?

1) i believe i have a love-hate relationship with it. it requires a whole lot of femininity and sex appeal to be able to pull it off...and i don't have either. so it'll be a real challenge for me to dance it. well. i look forward to the day i can actually perform it without a hitch.

2) this i realized while watching Dirty Dancing 2: Havana Nights. cuba. i've always loved everything about cuba. sure, i've never been there but i've read so much about it. i refuse to focus on the state of the country. rather, i encourage people to listen to the country. listen to their love for the country.

i'm bowled over by the passion and drive these people have...for a future they can only aspire to attain. they push on, nevertheless.

doing salsa, i feel like i'm a part of that strange latin american passion and patriotism. i feel the music (even when i didn't know how to dance. at all). i sense the language (even when i knew not a single word of spanish).

salsa keeps me connected to a culture i want to know. in time.

it reminds me of how much i need to do to get there.

so there you have it.

WHY I LOVE SALSA.

ramblings.

MOVIN' ON UP

i openly told everyone i wasn't ready to chomp down that piece of pepper-laced bread and down that cup of peppered coffee.

but i did it anyway.

and i guess that's the way it's gonna be...to save everyone the hurt and trouble i've caused.

everyone.

so here's us then...



and now...



we were supposed to take one picture with our boys, but they had already changed into lion dance gear and were preparing for training.

couple with the coffee and bread was this certificate...



ain't it beautiful?

scary shit as well, eh?

i think i'm gonna have this framed because this would probably be the only kinda chinese certificate i'd get in helluva long time to come.

so this was my sunday.

clockwork.

i was so afraid i'd forget what i wanted to write about waiting for this stupid page to load so i'm just typing whatever's flowing through my mind.

check this out...

here i am, looking through some salsa videos online, spending the day looking through other available salsa courses, when i chance upon the hallmark channel's "america - told by one person at a time" series.

so there's this latin american guy talking about his life and how he teaches salsa with his wife, who's american. and he said this:

"people always say that miami people cannot dance salsa. EVERYONE can dance salsa. it doesn't matter where you come from."

and he mentioned how important salsa is in his life and how salsa's evolved.

then my brother bursts into my room, telling me that a group from j&j dance studio put up a salsa rueda performance at this ccf function he was helping out at today.

the convergence of it all...how can i not take it as A SIGN?

haha.

ANGEL IN DISGUISE

take a look at the ordinary
don't need to search for paradise
you could be next to an angel in disguise.

as those words rained on me, i took a look at the person sitting next to me.

and, of course, wondered if he was my angel in disguise.

he may just be a second "wayne" in my life.

wayne, who helped me out of that jaded mess when i was 20. whom i've never seen since.

like wayne, this guy is practically a stranger to me still.

perhaps that's why he doesn't quite judge me when we speak.

i've only met the guy twice, but whenever i'm by him, a sheet of silence seems to hover over us.

the conversations are quiet, and when there are none, i just feel extremely comfortable.

his presence is the exact thing i needed wednesday night.

i was just looking for someone to sit by me and not speak...someone i was at ease doing that with.

but, he's a stranger...and i can't call on him to do that for me.

and, like with wayne, i know we'll never be more than just strangers.

comfortable strangers.

i'm home, finally.

after my first night out on the town on new year's eve.

the rain was quite a pain at the outdoor theater, but hell, no one cared if it was raining at union square!

i probably have no basis for comparison, but the party at union was the bestest new year's eve shindig...ever.

for starters, it sure didn't seem like a party.

jeremy and i danced all the way through to new year's day...then stopped to hug and wish everyone around us.

oh well...will tell you more after i catch some shut-eye...;)