THEME FOR A DREAM

don't know why this song's chorus keeps repeating in my head.

my mom called me this morning to say she's going to shanghai with two of her colleagues in october.

i wish i were more enthusiastic but my throat just didn't allow me to speak with much emotion.

i've been feeling the onslaught of a flu since yesterday...and yes, it almost always starts with a sore throat.

so i drink redoxen. we'll see if that works.

it's really quite nice to be stuck in my office on a rainy day, especially with the skylight right next to me...and watching the raindrops hit the glass panes with little care.

he brought me some food at the studio last night.

i think his intention was to leave it at the reception with a note.

but i wasn't teaching the first session and was chatting with a girl friend on the couch.

so when i saw someone hanging around the entrance, i got up and went ot have a look.

his "uh-oh" reaction was quite amusing, so i opened the door and said "yes, it's me".

when he handed over the food, i simply took it and nodded.

(didn't want to create a scene by refusing it and then some.)

i'll be heading to the counselor again this evening...wonder what we'll come out with.

then comex with the family. =)

sometimes the rain perpetuates certain feelings of sadness.

strangely, with me, whenever it rains, i feel more at peace and less likely to cry.

because it seems that someone else is crying for me already.

put your head on my shoulder
hold me in your arms, baby
squeeze me oh so tight, tell me
tell me that you love me too.

HIS EYE IS ON THE SPARROW

i don't know how many times i've named my entry with the title of the gospel.

i've always had a great respect for gospel music.

and the inspiration for my turning to the gospels? sister act 2.

it introduced me to the wonderful world of harlem church music.

as with the movie, i thought that to bring the young people off into the church and off the streets, the church has to give them what they want.

several ministries in singapore are trying to do just that - popularizing christian music and preaching like toastmasters.

a few weeks back when i was trying to salvage my relationship by going to church with the ex, i went, not knowing what to expect.

i had only heard good things about that particular ministry...and the way teachings were preached.

hmm.

actually, everyone who's been to that church tells me the preacher's really good because "he doesn't preach like a minister, but like a normal speaker".

i shall withhold my opinions till after i've described my experience.

so we headed into the auditorium and got pretty good seats (because he had gone earlier to queue for them).

now i had anticipated the singing, because this church was known for its musical prowess and good singers.

anyways, by the end of the service, i found myself speechless and on the verge of breaking down.

it all started from the singing.

i was puzzled as to why i didn't just take in the singing.

the song and lyrics still ring in my head till today, but i just can't seem to absorb it.

i can sing it but i can't feel it.

the preaching...it was a good effort to break things down for the common people.

however, i felt a certain ambiguity in the conviction of the preaching.

so...while this may seem an abrupt end to my latest church-going experience...

i've deduced i WANT to hear actual preaching. i WANT to hear about God. and i WANT to sing his music.

BUT...

it doesn't mean i want to be christian.

i can connect with gospel music because they rejoice and celebrate.

there are many times when i cry and sing gospels...and i feel better.

what i'm saying is, if i ever turned to christianity as my religion, i want to experience it the way new yorkers in harlem get it.

with plenty of soul.

i sing because i'm happy
and i sing, because i'm free.

STAY

i had written a long blog in an attempt to figure out how i'm feeling now.

unfortunately it got accidentally deleted on its way.

without having to state the details of what's happened again, bottomline is i gave this relationship my all...including going to a counselor to try to sort this out or help us.

he expects me to keep trusting that he will not abuse me again.

BUT HOW CAN YOU TRUST SOMEONE SO COMPLETELY ON THAT WHEN EVERYTIME HE PROMISES IT, HE DOES IT AGAIN, AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN AND BLAMES YOU FOR IT?

even in break-up, he has not stopped hurling insults at me over e-mail, msn or sms, even when i try to be nice to him.

because i do love him still...though it doesn't mean i want to be with him.

for my sake, i need to leave him.

for him to push down my throat in every one of his messages that i cannot be loving him because i don't want to try again...

i can't stand it.

so in the end, in his words, i'm the "first girlfriend who treats me like dirt" and "you will never change you ways".

the latter to which i say "yes i will not change to become you or the person you want me to be"...said intentionally purely because it should be a reason for him to leave me easier.

not the case.

he continues to hurl insults at me.

it's hard for me to keep receiving these messages, even when i know ALL his accusations don't ring true.

going to counselor was my last-ditch effort.

he had been to a few sessions and yet still did what the counselors call "abuse".

two last times before i broke up with him.

i hope no one else has to go through what i did.