STOP!!!

i wish people would stop yelling at me.

okay..."yelling" would be a little too harsh.

i wish people would quit raising their voices at me, especially when i'm obviously not in optimal health.

don't tell me to shout my commands. because if i could, i wouldn't be using a loud-speaker.

don't ask me if i'm REALLY sick. because if i weren't, i wouldn't be sitting down, coughing out green phlegm and trying to catch my breath all at the same time.

don't point your finger at me. well, at least attempt to know the details of the situation before deciding on whether to point that offensive digit in my face.

you know things are really strained when even your own father doubts you're really sick...everytime you do fall ill.

if only he could see how you couldn't even walk to the sink without losing your breath.

if only he knew you had to sit down for five minutes after standing up for one because the room began to spin.

if only he saw how you almost passed out three times in a row at dance class...but still perservered, despite your classmates pleas for you to rest.

IF ONLY HE NOTICED HOW THE GIRL WITH THE USUAL ROSY CHEEKS LOOKED PERPETUALLY PALE (like your classmates did).

anger is pushing me away from him...and his money.

so much so that it's crossed my mind plenty of times to quit thinking about studying overseas, just because i don't want to take his money and owe him that much.

that same anger is pushing me to work hard, make my mark and money, and MOVE OUT.

the scrutiny i can take. if you don't know me, ask and you shall receive.

BUT...please don't doubt me.

the people who claim to love me the most don't see me as the workaholic others outside see me as.

and so, they think i'm just a floater.

for outsiders who think that way, i really don't care.

but it's UNACCEPTABLE for my immediate family to think so.

i am not a loafer.

i don't lie about my illness.

and you know what?

this post wouldn't make a difference because if you've always seen me as a liar and incompetent, chances are...you'll think this post is mere fluff.

now you're thinking that i'm heartless for sharing my problems with the world and not you, aren't you?

consider this:

how can you think that, when you've already formed such perceptions about me, and cast them in stone?

you see my difference but you're afraid to accept it, are you not?

STOP PRETENDING TO CARE FOR ME.

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU'RE CARING FOR.

YOU DON'T HAVE A CLUE.

(i need dance, music...therapy. i think i need a shrink.)

fuck it.

i'm feeling so angry and miserable now.

yes...it's because of that stupid flu bug.

and i simply can't miss out on tomorrow's sentosa trip because if i don't go, many, many fingers will be pointed at me.

i can just hear the comments..."first, she cancels the race. now she's not here. how irresponsible can she get?"

you know...the only way people could get a whiff of how much shit i'm going through is if i pass out right before their eyes.

FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.

why do i keep falling sick at the wrong time?

how much worse can things get?

seriously, do i even have a choice?

BLAST THE STUPID FLU BUG!

i so wanted to head back to hip hop this evening.

sigh.

DANCING IN THE MOONLIGHT

last night was salsa night.

so yes...i'm sick and weak, but i went anyway, hoping that the endorphins will perk me right up.

and NO...the endorphins didn't perk me up, if there were any produced at all.

after about half the lesson through, i had to sit down to catch my breath.

the thing about having the flu is that you get breathless pretty easily, and that sucks, especially when it comes to dancing.

you know what the ironic thing was?

i executed perfect spot-turns, compared to the "i-trip-over-myself" turns the last week (when i wasn't sick).

perhaps it was the heels...or the "dream-skirt" i was wearing...or both.

*note to self: find a pair of proper dancing shoes so your toes won't scrunge up at the front.

everyone liked the skirt. especially when i turned. it billowed and swiveled.

thus the name "the dream-skirt".

when i sat down those three times during class, EVERYONE shot me concerned looks...all mouthing "are you all right" and "you like me to get you some water"...

quite a sight really.

and when i decide i'm relatively okay, and get up to dance with the poor fella who's standing alone, he immediately tells me to sit down and rest.

my classmates are so funny...haha.

we all have one thing in common though: when we dance, we feel free.

and we look forward to dancing every friday night because it's a great way to start off the weekend.

i don't know if i can equate my love for dancing with my love for music...

but it's getting pretty close =)

LALA

okay, i'm sorry...i'm back now, so stop whining about this not helping with your abandonment issues.

one week post-50th anniversary gala, and i'm being thrown into a massive role of responsibility.

a race in one week? like...are you madness?

yes i am...and i'm doing it.

sure, it seems simple enough, doesn't it? NOT.

i have the weight of the whole scout unit on my shoulders, plus my scouts' parents will be joining in, so this had better be some kick-ass race or else...

most of the details are pretty much down on paper.

i've got my co-conspirator to thank for the devious misleads we're planning...

STRESS STRESS STRESS!!!

*pardon me while i take a couple of hours off to gather my thoughts...and what i REALLY think.

isn't it amazing how some people always manage to get you riled up?

time and again.

that aside, i'm glad my dad and i are having some lone time.

it's times like these i truly treasure.

i love you daddy.

The Land Downunder

i got home to find the letter of offer from melbourne university lying in the midst of all my other mail.

i felt so odd.

i sighed. opened it, read it, and sighed once more before putting it down.

get it together, serene.

you can do this.

The Ladies Who Lunch

you know you're a sucker for romance when you feel all nice and fuzzy at this:

"because serene likes it what."

this guy remembered when i was leaving for the US, the exact date i was coming back, and lent me a book to read on the plane ride to and fro.

and he isn't even a friend.

he's the counter guy from goldheart.

everytime when i would pass by his outlet, he'd slip me a few grape-flavored candies.

today, just as he was packing up the stuff my aunt and mom bought, he scooped up a whole bunch and dropped it into my mom's paper bag.

so while the two ladies were laughing and my aunt was like "hey...why you give her, didn't give me", he made that statement.

don't get me wrong. i'm so not attracted to him like that.

but it just felt nice that someone remembers all this little details.

and it's not like i pour my lifestory out to him, and visit him ever so often.

c'mon...how often do you go to a jeweller?

it's one thing to be a good salesperson. but it's a gift to be able to make someone feel the way i felt.

i'm pretty sure i made many people feel that way when i was flying =)

i kinda miss leong heng...he's the guy who orchestrated the whole 50th anniversary thingee...the guy who put his life on hold just because he wanted to do this well.

i'm proud to have him as my new group scout leader, and our dear big bird as his able assistant.

you know...i'm tearing as i think of all we've been through in the past months.

sigh...i really wanna let them know how much they mean to me...but how?

i need to do something for them before i go. i need to leave behind a legacy.

speaking about leaving...

the one excuse i've given myself for not "settling" is that one day, i'll leave.

and because i don't want anyone to get hurt when that day comes, i'll just run whenever something's about to happen.

you know what the most ironic thing is?

it's that i'm finally leaving in a year...and this is the loneliest i've ever felt.

right now, i'm just wishing that someone would loan me his shoulder to cry on.

and his arms to feel a little safe in.

i need more than just a sanctuary in my room.

if you knew i was leaving...and things wouldn't work out...

would you still go out with me?

(*yes i would like to know what you think...all of you)

N.E.R.D

this just dawned on me today, and i readily admitted this to my mom...

I LIKE NERDS.

i mean...i like cute nerds.

seems to me like the only guys i ever look at are guys in glasses with great smiles.

guys who possess that quiet confidence.

guys who are extremely knowledgeable, but won't loudly proclaim so.

hmm...odd, isn't it?

so anyways...i woke up late and had a whole loada sarcasm directed at me as i joined the team at lunch, before heading back to school to do some clean-up.

sigh...i'm sick, and tired.

i shouldn't be "tired", considering how much less physical work i've done for the big bash last night.

but i just am.

and i can't bring myself to tell the guys that i am, indeed, tired.

so i just went on...sweeping and mopping the school hall grounds before finally having to leave for dinner with my relatives.

i felt guilty leaving them.

and i feel even more guilty telling myself to rest some tomorrow, while the rest will still be working hard in school.

we all worked our butts off for this golden jubilee.

instead of resting these hols, we were in school, decorating the school hall, talking to the press...each of us doing our own thang...but all directed towards last night.

i wish i had rest. but more importantly, i wish i could rest together with my guys.

you get what i mean.

i'm getting so much closer to the elders with each passing week.

okay...i'm rambling now.

tired.

sick.

The Last Night Of The World

it's now the morning after...

and instead of feeling relieved, i'm feeling rather sad.

i mean...my heart's like, clenching...and the only other way to describe this feeling is "bitter-sweetness".

it's been a wild ride till the culmination which was last night.

if you've seen how hard the guys have worked for this one event, you would be feeling the way i do.

we've still got a hell lotta cleaning-up to do in the morning...but that i'd gladly do.

my job as an emcee is done, and i shall now join my brother scouts in clearing the aftermath.

sigh...so many conflicting emotions, again.

perhaps it's cuz i'm so utterly exhausted.

but i shouldn't be complaining.

my dark eye rings weren't in vain. i had fun last night.

and you know what's the best thing about this whole event?

it brought us all closer together...not just as a unit, but as a WHOLE OPEN SCOUT GROUP.

that's right...never before could the veterans, rovers, ventures and scouts sit together at a table and chat their hearts out.

tonight, they did.

we did. after some major pack-up at 0100 hours.

i know it sounds corny, but i gotta say this:

i'm grateful to have been made an integral part of this momentous ocassion.

i hope to take our scout group through another 50 years...and bringing forth the legacy of the past 50.

i witnessed a milestone last evening. and i'm part of that milestone.

what were you up to last night? =)

Rock My World

i'm so being treated like a princess...and i feel totally useless.

i don't have nimble hands so if you asked me to thread a needle, i probably couldn't.

but i can definitely left some heavy weights, scale some scaffolding and dunk some shit.

seriously, i don't know if the guys really think i'm THAT weak, or whether they just want me to rest and concentrate on my emceeing gig.

considering how some of them know me pretty well, i'd like to think it's the latter reason.

that aside, i had helluva time at salsa this friday evening (i've just been reminded that it's ALREADY saturday...EEEKS!).

i had time to rest between songs, but the dances kept coming...and i felt my legs move faster with each one.

and because we spun quite a bit during class, by the second dance in fiesta, my legs were already moving on their own.

i was just trying to keep up.

but that's a good problem to have. =)

so now, my legs are slightly jellified...am keeping my fingers crossed that i'd be able to walk good in that long dress and heels.

you know what'd be perfect?

if i could have a dance right before the gig...just to loosen me up.

but i don't suppose the elders wouldn't be too happy with me dancing in a long dress with a train, and perspiring with the nice hair and make-up.

Chapel of Love

please remind me to never ever let someone design a gown for me...like, ever again.

if you find me a designer, please let me choose the material, the cut, and the overall design.

the problem with local designers is that they try to outdo themselves everytime they create something.

and trust me, the gown tailor-made for me is way too bride-ly for saturday.

BUT since it's already done, i'm ready to just bite the bullet and try to carry it off the best that i can.

you see...i'm more of a classy sorta gal. heavily-beaded wedding gowns are not my style.

if it were up to me, i'd be contented to be fitted with a simple and plain tube.

sigh.

i supposed i'd still be able to carry it off, whatever it looks like.

i'll be extremely relieved after this whole thing is over.

Turn Me On

my pet mozzie is feeling extremely hungry this morning.

the little twit bit me on parts of my body like...six times.

somewhere in this room there's a really fat and sluggish mozzie buzzing around.

*looks around skeptically

it'd better fly away quick before i explode from rage and am provocated into clapping onto it!

so anyways, check this out...

while lying in bed late last night, i began to wonder: who invented the bolster?

i mean...while hugging onto mine, i suddenly realized that it probably was supposed to be like hugging another human being.

and i was immediately appalled by how i hugged my bolster to sleep every night.

"who was the sicko who invented something like that?!"

seems like embedded so deeply in us, is a need to have another being next to us, "to have and to hold", and yadda yadda yadda...

a bolster has become something some people can't sleep without. i mean...don't you find that the least bit disturbing?

and then my mind flashed back to my days in camp and while i was flying...and i heave a sigh of relief.

no bolsters then, and i got on just fine.

to me, i suppose a bolster is just a "nice to have", but not a "must have".

of course, you may dispute that.

hmm...i wonder if people who NEED bolsters...nevermind.

you see where i'm going with this.

so c'mon...spill.

are you a nightly bolster-hugger?

okay, i gotta admit.

i do miss my bolster at times.

You Gotta Be

what an extremely productive day!

i'm feeling hella energized!

geez...pardon my good mood. it just felt so good to be out and about...

it was rush, rush, rush the whole day through, but WOW...the things i got done today.

i had planned to head to the gym in the afternoon, but the last minute thing with meghmani just goes to show how unpredictable my job's like.

oh well, gym and muscles'll have to wait.

for now, little superhero girl has to save the world from dying of boredom. =)

weeeeee........

A World Without Love

Please lock me away
And don't allow the day
Here inside where I hide
With my loneliness

I don't care what they say
I won't stay in a world without love.

this beatles tune has been like one of those stingers that consume your mind at the most inappropriate of times.

like...when i'm in loo...then i'll come out of it and tell angus about the song.

and then he gives me this funny look...haha.

sheesh...another beatles song just popped into mind...

All My Lovin'

Close your eyes and I'll kiss you
Tomorrow I'll miss you
Remember I'll always be true
And then while I'm away
I'll write home everyday
And I'll send all my lovin' to you

I'll pretend that I'm kissing
The lips I am missing
And hope that my dreams will come true
And then while I'm away
I'll write home everyday
And I'll send all my lovin' to you.

well, it's good that for once, the songs that keep popping up are fast and seemingly happy tunes.

by the way, Dax just called and asked if i'm daring enough to handle a low-back gown...

hmm...haha.

all this while as i'm typing, the words i so yearn to scream out are:

GOTTA DANCE GOTTA DANCE GOTTA DANCE!!!!

man...i'm going nuts.

i miss singing...i miss dancing...i miss studying.

but i still love my job. =)

for now, phoneCAST still has my heart.

i got two smses when i awoke at eight this morning.

one from bubba and the other from ray.

both said i looked great last night...plus, bubba said i remind him of a chimichanga!

you know what...i'm so brain-dead i'd better stop here before someone screams at me for writing shallow shit.

i sing, because i'm happy
and i sing, because i'm free.

The Way You Look Tonight

Someday...when I'm awfully low
When the world is cold
I would feel the glow
Just thinking of you...

And the way you look tonight.

i wore the red hot dress tonight. with the red hot shoes.

it wasn't till we were a little through the rehearsal that i realized everything looked and felt so wrong.

wrong dress, wrong shoes, wrong occasion.

dang.

so what did the gown designer who was helping us with the ballroom deco do?

he offered to design a gown for me. for free.

like...HELLO?!

this guy designs stuff for the women of society who attend balls and stuff, and he's designing a dress for me. how cool is that?

i'm still in shock. and fatigued.

GOTTA DANCE.

- Gene Kelly, Singing In The Rain

Don't Get Me Wrong

yes, that's the title of a song.

in any case, i'd like to explain my previous blog.

i don't have an interest in melvin...i just think he's a pretty interesting guy, given his background and all.

salsa is a social dance, but no, i don't learn salsa to pick up guys.

I DON'T PICK GUYS UP.

if you thought i'm hoping someone would sweep me off my feet into couplehood, you're wrong.

i seriously was just wishing for someone to dance with me.

okay...now that that's done, i'd better be getting some work done before heading down for the YCSOG 50th Anniversary Celebrations full-dress rehearsal.

see you again in a bit. =)

Dance With Me

man...i know not a single word of proper hokkien, but hell...MACHI and MISSY ELLIOT's music video/song "Jump, Work It" is HOT!

it's the perfect fusion of asian and american rap.

coolness.

fiesta was rather tame today, and the floor was practically empty.

as expected, eddie danced with diana the whole way through.

i think my main dance partner of the night was melvin.

we might just head down to union square wednesday evening (the eve of deepavali)...we'll see.

melvin and i had quite a chat at macs after fiesta.

he's interesting.

oh well, he danced with me.

'nuff said.

*remember the time i just wished that someone would ask me to dance? =)

The opposite of LOVE isn't HATE, it's INDIFFERENCE.

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

i suppose this is as close to a break-up as i'd get for now.

i still feel a nagging ache somewhere in my heart.

my mind keeps replaying this afternoon's scene.

i don't suppose he realized how painful it was for me to say those words...and hold the tears in.

now that he isn't looking, and neither is anyone else, i'm free to cry.

it wasn't easy, but it HAD to be done.

i feel shut out.

the moment i said those words, it was like...he just shut me out.

and it hurts to feel that way.

and this is just 10 months before.

how would it be when the time comes?

would i lose everyone else as well?

Can't Smile Without You

if there's one thing i learnt during my days in SIA, it's gotta be this:

a smile DOES beget a smile.

and that was evident at last night's teck ghee RC campfire.

the kids who were afraid, yet curious of the lions, smiled at me as i approached.

the heads of the scout association smiled at me.

the organizers smiled at me.

the PM smiled at me.

the PM's bodyguards smiled at me.

my brother and sister scouts smiled at me.

and i smiled right back.

i smiled.

and because i did, everything turned out all right.

well, almost everything.

dang. =)

I Need Guts. Like, Really.

nice men. polite. good-looking. sturdy.

please tell me what the hell's wrong with me.

this is totally ridiculous.

can you imagine how many times i've avoided eye contact just because i get smiles and vibes i can't decipher from these guys?

today was one good example.

i'm too shy to even post what happened...or did not happen...here.

WHY SERENE? WHY?