big daddy fenix said something about reaching out to people.

and oddly enough, i think we make a great team...the sesame street tag team...haha.

as i thought of ways to reach out to the different people i deal with, it dawned on me that i didn't have to think of ways at all. people obviously already feel comfortable enough with me to even wanna begin to associate with me.

i love these kids. i know it's kinda premature to say so, but my heart sings at the thought of them. i'm not kidding.

on the flip side, things don't seem to be going so well for a couple of other people right now.

i wish i could help more...but i know i shouldn't.

i just hope she wouldn't end up like me...jaded, cold and irrational.

wine connection is good.

it's hidden deep in the jungle of dempsey road...and you can't get in without a vehicle, but hell...it's the most romantic wine bar i've ever been to.

perhaps i was just too tired to care, or simply too fatigued to actually take in any contrary factors.

it was a long day...couple with loadsa screw-ups.

but it was a good day spent with the bosses. thru the shit we've been put thru yesterday, i guess we bonded in some ways.

thank you shit.

Hi there!

It's been quite a ride to finally arriving at this point of meeting you.

My name's Serene Lim and I'm your phonecaster. So here's a little about myself:

I graduated with a Diploma in Mass Communication from Ngee Ann Polytechnic in 2001, majoring in Print-, Broadcast-, Radio- and Photo-journalism, and Spanish. While getting my Diploma, I was a part-time broadcast journalist with Newsradio 93.8's business desk. SBS Transit came a-knockin' about half a year after graduation and I joined them as a corporate communications officer, hosting roadshows, writing articles and press releases, as well as tending to complaints. Singapore Airlines had me as a cabin crew member for a year and a half, and here I am now - the first PHONECASTER Singapore's ever known.

So what's Serene really like beneath all that jazz?

I'm one of two girl scouts (not a guide!) in an open scout group and I ain't afraid to say that I love my boys. They're the ones who keep me sane and grounded in the midst of all the hustle and bustle of city life. If I ain't in the scout den, you'd find me poring over my sheet music at the Esplanade library, scribbling incessantly in my journal at the waterfront or doing whatever I can, wherever I am, to make people smile.

It's extremely exciting to be the voice of Phonecast and part of the entire team at Hong Bao Media Holdings. What lies ahead may seem daunting for the group of us, but we are working hard and well together to make everything happen.

YOU are the reason I am here, and for that, I thank you.

And oh yes...did I mention I love making people smile?

Yours,
Serene Lim
Phonecaster

i've been so busy these couple of days that i seem to have lost track of time.

four hours at SIASR each morning...they just fly past like that. i can't even begin to imagine how stressed up and shitty it'll be like once the service is up and running, and i'll only have two hours in there.

my whole week's packed with lunches, dinners and meetings. i'm only into the second day of my time in SIASR's office...and i suppose it's tough to bond with your colleagues because you only spend less than half a day there, plus, you don't even have lunch with them.

i don't know if it's a good idea for ray to handle phonecast's account, but i got the bosses to give him a shot. and they gave me full rein on the website design...phew.

this is my baby we're talking about here...so i'm gonna do my mostest to make sure this whole thing takes off. it's freakin' scary, but it's also somewhat fulfilling to know that all this is in your hands...and you're the only one who can make this work. your bosses don't mean shit because they aren't gonna be doing the daily shit work...you are. and since i'm the only phonecaster in singapore right now...i'll be making history...woo-hoo....!!!

imagine this...serene's making history...*wink*

tomorrow night's gonna be interesting...next friday's the big day...i think it'll be the biggest day of my young professional life...it's my day and i'm gonna make sure everyone knows it's mine...haha.

crazy ass serene.

i slept on it...and what's left is the residual effect of a teary night.

i'm writing this as i watch "planet food" on discovery travel and adventure...they're introducing mexican food. i so miss my tortillas and tacos.

my eyes are still the same (one big and one small)...my head's somewhat heavier...and i still need to get out.

"big daddy fenix" is back...haha...and he msged me last night. alas, i was already asleep on tears.

i felt relieved when i got his msg, because it means i'd see him today and tomorrow...and that's a good thing.

i need a swearing buddy now.

today was fun. it was raining for most of the time, but it was fun.

the running around took me away from the expectations that surround me, even if for a little while.

i guess i knew i was stressed somewhat, but i threw it all into busying myself; tiring myself out.

at the end of the day, i decided to walk home. i thought the weather was perfect for taking in.

instead, the moment the van drove off, i started tearing. it got so bad i almost crouched at a corner in the HDB block next to the school to calm my nerves...but well, i just kept walking.

and i thought the rain would soothe my pain.

i don't know how the hell i could put up such a brave face in front of those guys.

i'm hurting so much inside right now and they don't have a clue.

nobody has a clue.

i wish for you to be silent
that way no one would know
the pain you've put me through
and why i let you go

i tried so hard to forgive
with my heart and soul i did
but then i came to realize
the hurt could not subside

i wish you could be me for a day
that way you'll see it's true
a person can ony take so much
but for you i'd gladly do

all that's in the past now
the show must go on
i thought i'd help you by hurting me
but now i see i was wrong

we've come to the end of our road
i hope this finds you well
i blame myself for not helping you
become a better man

i'm sorry.

something i stumbled upon in my notebook. think i wrote that almost three years ago...can't really remember why i wrote it though.

today was lazy.

spent most of the day at home, simply chillin' and relishing my new bedspread and quilt cover.

i really should go to bed now.

good morning serene!

serene cannot feel.

she should not feel because once she does, end of story.

it'll be tough to pull her outta her space right now.

the only thing you can do is to listen and be there for her. so if and when this happens again, you'll be there to keep those tears from falling.

because she knows that you are there for her. and nothing else matters.

i'm thoroughly ashamed of myself.

i had thought myself to be stronger than that.

i scoff at those who get weak in the presence of feelings.

today, i scoff at myself.

get a grip you wussy...you're better than that.

i need someone to yank me outta this.

as mark and i stepped out into the humidity, he sighed and took off the sunglasses perched atop his head.

it was pouring.

i tried to hide my smile. to me, rain was good. don't get me wrong. i love the sun, but the rain came at the right time.

i felt quite daunted in the session with mark today because i simply wasn't progressing the way i wanted to. today, it seemed like i couldn't quite grasp everything as fast.

i got so stressed up that i wanted to burst into tears. but the moment i saw the rain, that feeling just went away.

perhaps it was the element of water...i don't know. like...someone else is weeping, so i shouldn't.

whatever it was, rain's good today.

frankly, i came in late last night, needing to spill some uncertainties. then i convinced myself to hit the sack, sleep over it and see how things would clear up by morning.

those thoughts haven't quite cleared up really. in fact, it's hogging my mind right now simply because i'm home, sitting around, and waiting for stress to eat me up so i can start working on my stories before my meeting in three hours.

there. i said it.

i thought i had let go, and that things would head back to pre-feeling days. unfortunately, after his "confession" last evening, i felt almost relieved to realize that i wasn't the only one who was trying to forget.

i had somehow convinced myself that he's no longer part of my life. i had even managed to stop "pushing" him to realize his full potential. i just kept my hands off him the whole of yesterday.

but after that one sms, i kinda wondered if i was simply in denial over the past couple of weeks.

i was so stressed up and busy that he hardly ever crept into my mind...and in that sense, i thought i had "let go".

i guess i still gotta work on actually letting go.

perhaps we should start on a clean slate.

hello ray! glad you offered to help. perhaps we could meet this afternoon to see how we can revive the rover unit?

i think i'm gaining quite a reputation for myself, and i'm not sure if that's a good thing.

sure...i'm hoping people would know me enough to want to listen to my reports. and i guess being "known" is a way of putting my scout group, as well as my service, out to the public.

but i'm not sure if me being outspoken is rubbing people the right way, especially when it comes to those who've been doing things the same way for decades.

over the years, i've realized how unnecessary it is to have everyone like you. so i've sorta dropped the whole "smile even when you're feeling shitty" ditty. surprisingly, i seem to be garnering even more attention when i don't smile. geez...the quirks of the world.

i hope through me being straight, people would learn to respect my scout group as one that does not conform.

i certainly do not want to misrepresent my scout group in any way.

as much as i don't need to have everyone like me, it'd be nice if the people in my group respect me enough to adapt to my style.

it'd be nice if i'd be seen as an asset.

i've recently acquired a penchant for faux-caring.

i say "faux" because i'm not sure if i'm genuine.

i think i may be, but i can't be too sure because i could probably be coercing myself to think such to keep me from falling back into the dark walls of obscurity.

i've recently taken so much upon myself that i'm constantly bummed out, as well as angry.

i'm not sure if i'm angry with the people around me, or simply angry with myself for getting so stressed up over the unnecessary.

i've lost that pained feel over new year's, but a new feel of irrepressible urgency has taken over...and i'm not sure if that's a good thing.

oh whatever. i've recently gained two brother- and one sister-figures.

i'm glad to be of some sorta influence in their lives, but am not sure if they should really be associating with someone like me. my cynicism tends to rub off on everyone.

i keep using the word "i"...shit.

can't i indulge in narcissism for a bit?

apparently i can't.

because i'm serene.

and serene is nice, selfless, independent, focussed, intellectual and eloquent.

and fucked up.

i just realized that besides yen, i've been surrounded by the species from mars of late.

and that's pretty disturbing.

i'm lacking female presence...freakish.

i mean...i talk about scouting almost everyday in my conversations with the megatron, my two immediate bosses are male, the two people i'll be working closely with starting february are male...geez...

is my quarter of a male brain expanding into the other hemisphere? i sure hope not.

which got me thinking: how the hell will i be able to get along with whiny females the next time i get into contact with them?

for starters, i was never a fan of giggly girls who'd talk about nothing but fashion, make-up and their latest crushes.

so now that i'm with this group, i seem to be feeling worse about my species.

holy shit...this cannot be happening.

面总带着微笑的她
似乎无优无虑

在那灿烂笑容背后
藏着许许多多的心事

她曾试过抛开在心深处的烦恼
但在逃避之中
竟发觉自己其实是越陷越深

满腔愤慨会有谁能听得懂？

谁有勇气面对真正的林诗音？

今天下午到访理工学院时碰见了几位认识的教师。

在离开那儿之前，突然想起coleman，并拉着燕燕到了他办公室说声好。

他记忆还真不错，还记得我曾提到燕燕在澳洲读书的事。

离开他办公室时，燕燕再次问我为何会和coleman 停止来往。

说实在的，当我试着回想当时的情景，眼前只出现一片模糊。

最令人安慰的是，虽然我和他是不可能有男女之间的关系，但我们依然是彼此的知
己。

昨晚写了一些废话：

“我名叫 林诗音。

小时候，我常问母亲本名的来原。

母亲说父亲为我取了“SERENE” 这英文名，是希望我会有温和的格性，文雅的气质。


母亲取了“诗音”这名，不只是为了配合“SERENE”的音声。

她，和父亲一样，希望女儿能变成一位拥有“诗”和“音”两字的才艺。

很参愧的是，女儿并没父亲所定为的“文雅气质”。但女儿确实是有音乐和吟诗的
才华。

女儿长大了。

虽然她并不象平凡的女孩，但却有自己独特的风格。

就因她这“独特的风格”，没人曾让她心动过。

别让我的STYLE 把你给吓跑。

我其实是蛮温馨的。”

真无聊。

多谢你们的重视，把我带进童军组。

希望能从你那儿学到更多童军与人生有关的事。

i just got off the phone with bubba.

as i listened to his troubles and spoke to him, it suddenly dawned on me how simple and clear things were.

issue number 1: LOVE

he told me how he gets depressed at times because everything bad seems to happen at the same time, and that the only thing/person he can blame for his depression is his ex. i wouldn't say he's jaded about love, but i can't say he's totally open to loving someone else right now.

i cited nat king cole's LOVE as a tune that "unjades" me. he told me that song got him depressed. i said it shouldn't...because it cuts through all the bullshit of pain and heartbreak, putting LOVE - the emotion - out there in the simplest of terms.

L - is for the way you look at me
O- is for the only one i see
V - is very very extraordinary
E - is even more than anyone that you adore and...

Love, is all that i can give to you
Love, is more than just a game for two
Two in love can make it
Take my heart but please don't break it
Love was made for me and you.

now that's the whole song. when you look at the fundamentals of a relationship, love and respect should form the base. anything that comes in after that initial "butterflies in stomach" feeling should not be treated as gospel.

when two get lost in the hustle and bustle of daily living, it's easy to lose track of those fundamentals that brought them both together in the first place.

people rationalize too much...thinking of things way ahead of schedule.

i've been trying to put things into perspective for a lot of people in the past couple of days. though they all have different issues to deal with, i've been singing the same refrain of "go with that gut feel and let your heart do the talking for once", ie don't rationalize too much.

i know i know...for those who've been keeping up with my blogs, you're probably thinking "how can the pot be giving such advice to the kettle?" i say i've gotten myself out of that bind...that story in a while. right now, i believe that while following the heart doesn't always bode well, it's the heart that teaches us the most, not the head.

we experience things...we hurt from these experiences...we learn from this hurt not to dive into such shit again. so isn't the heart the organ that's teaching our brain how to work?

so the question on your mind now is "so when should the head take over?"

the head should take over when the heart fails to give you an inkling. i say "an inkling" because whatever the head decides, should the heart feel otherwise, however slightly, the heart should always prevail.

i've been going with my head way too much.

true...going with my heart was painful, but i got through it, and what doesn't break you makes you stronger.

i asked mark last afternoon (while walking to the mrt station) when we should stop helping the people we've been trying to help forever.

he came up with a whole list of things...but the thing that stuck in my mind was "serene, there are times when the only solution to waking the person up is to let go".

there...he said it. and it was at that moment that i DID let go.

i'd probably have to explain why mark's words mean so much...bear with me for a while. this is a story i'd love to share in person if i had the chance to. it's truly inspiring.

the first time i met mark was at olio dome wheelock. i was to meet him and angus (my other boss) for a short interview session for this one position.

i was honest. i told them i knew nothing about the financial markets and the business world. at the end of that session, they kept saying how they liked my honesty and personality. and if anything were to get me the job, my warmth would be it. they were seeing a pool of other people at that time.

a couple of meetings later, i quit SQ and started training with mark. i wasn't employed by them just yet, but mark said he saw a tremendous amount of potential in me and it would be a waste not to pip me up to my full potential. he said he'd want me to go away from this entire experience learning something...even if the company did not hire me.

the company did hire me. and they actually pushed away people who've had more experience in the field than i have...and were way more competent in terms of knowledge. i was bewildered...so while i was beside myself with excitement, i had to ask why they decided to take me in.

mark said "serene, you are what we've been looking for. you may not have the knowledge, but you're an honest and warm person. our listeners would definitely appreciate that. we could've gotten someone who had all the knowledge in the world, but had no personality. now that would've been disastrous".

so we've been meeting regularly to work on my knowledge, as well as writing and voicing skills. these meetings have taken my respect for mark to a whole new level. he genuinely wants me to do well. he feels responsible towards me. no matter how daunting each training session with him got, he'd end each session trying to encourage me...giving me positive reinforcements many times in the course of each meeting.

most importantly, he believed in me when i couldn't believe in myself anymore.

"serene, i won't let you down, no matter how hard you try to put yourself down."

thank you mark. you've inspired me in more ways than one.

thank you for taking me under your wing. it's gonna be a helluva ride, but i'm all geared up for it...purely because you believe in me.

i'm in a very good place right now.

yen said i seem to have a soft spot for him.

i admitted it. then added that coleman has a soft spot for me too, but that doesn't mean we're getting together.

i remember a line from sex and the city: there are some dates you just can't wait to keep, and some dates you know just will never happen.

sounds strange? let me break it down for you. carrie was trying to avoid this guy she'd be out on a date with the next day because she didn't want him to see her all "frumpy". as she was running away from the park (where he suddenly stopped by), she bumped into THE EX. and so, they talked about catching up over coffee sometime.

so there you have it...the latter is a date you know you just won't keep.

i had a startling revelation last night when a certain someone confided in me. he was having trouble understanding his girlfriend...

as i listened, i drew so many parallels between this brother of mine and him. and i'm sure, at the same time, she must be wishing how my dear brother would confide in her the way he was confiding in me.

i feel for her...really. they seem to be playing out my experiences in the past couple of months.

i never saw jason as someone who'd be so damn similar to him. but last night got me wondering if it's simply a guy thing.

she and i...we write, we fuss, and we mull over things that seem totally inconsequential. most times, we get frustrated because there're way too many unanswered questions floating about in our minds...these questions stemming from our experiences with these two males. and it sure doesn't help that these two males either do not understand our grey matter, or worse still, understand everything but do not see a need to respond to it.

i wrote raymond a long note in a book. it contained so many questions i thought were absolutely blatant, but he just read it, and stuffed it in his bag. was he too overwhelmed to respond? did he not understand me? i could not read him. i don't even know why he picked up those pages after i tore them out and flung them into the bin.

and there are times when he says he's sorry...and you know he doesn't mean it because he's just saying it to appease you. he doesn't realize he's in the wrong.

obviously, us two girls feel guilty for knowing that these two guys stress just to understand us. that's why we keep beating ourselves up over it. we feel guilty as well...seeing how other couples get along fabulously, and seem to have some sort of stability and quiet understanding between them.

this deep connection i used to think ray and i share, it still is there because we are, essentially, quite similar. in fact, we think so alike it's stupid to talk to each other sometimes. and he doesn't realize it, but that's what's impeding our communication - him thinking that i understand him thoroughly. he keeps saying how he doesn't know me, doesn't know how i think or what i want him to do. i tell him that isn't the point. how the hell can he know me better if he doesn't even want to talk to me? i mean...really talk.

these two guys are excellent communicators. unfortunately, when it comes to us, they fumble.

and that's something to think about.

these two males should also realize that we aren't sheep. and we don't conform to a certain mould.

jason...like i've told you time and again, hable con ella.

raymond...again, (and i hate reiterating this) whether you're sick of this whole "what does she want" issue and want me to fuck off or actually want to get to know me better (god forbid...haha), hable con mi.

i think i deserve to keep at least that bit of pride.

as i walked home about 11 plus tonight, i looked up and saw the full moon.

the chinese say that the moon is at its roundest and brightest on the fifteenth.

i say tonight's the brightest i've ever seen the moon.

so there i was...standing in the middle of a carpark, staring right up at dear mr moon. and he seemed to be smiling at me. i thought only the sun had rays, but mr moon seemed to have ten arms sticking out tonight.

when i looked at the moon, i thought of brendan...and how innocent he looked when he told me how he loved to look at the night sky.

brendan...a guy who never spoke more than five words to me at any one time.

as complex as i had thought everything out to be, brendan broke it down for me.

things suddenly seem so clear.

mark gave me the day off today...

this means i'll have the flowchart, the edge, the BT, CNBC Asia, morning call and the like to worry about for the weekend.

on top of that, there're scout stuff...a letter i gotta type for the ones who just got into sec one.

i wonder if i'll be going to the zoo this weekend.

the zoo didn't appeal to me that much in the past until i almost started work at the night safari. there was also that one story i did on dashe...the female anaconda who made history by being the first anaconda to give birth here.

i miss the zoo. it held a few happy memories. i did the dashe story alone...so there i was, lugging my heavy camera case and tripod to the anaconda enclosure. i trudged around the zoo all alone. it's so picturesque.

was just talking to yen about paris that day, and i told her not to get her hopes up because she'd be disappointed.

everywhere has romance-potential if you're with the right person. you don't need to be atop the eiffel tower to get a kick outta kissing him/her. you can feel just as much kissing him/her on one of those benches along orchard road.

so where's that one place you fantasize about when you think romance?

novels and television used to portray the beach as one helluva romantic setting.

i took that walk last december. it felt nice. that first night, we walked down the beach hand in hand...sat somewhere to talk. that night realized my most innocent fantasies...haha. i'd be leaning against the barrier, and he'd put his arms around me and hug me. then he'd rest his neck on my shoulder. it was the most romantic night i've ever experienced. and the best part was it just happened. spontaneity.

the whole five days at the chalet was schweetness. it was a total romantic experience.

but alas, that fantasy has ended. and we have to move on.

it's time to find something else to keep that adrenaline pumping.

i think i found it.

"A very good Thursday morning to you! And one with a full moon at that! It's the 8th of December and welcome to the SIAS Research Phonecast with me, Serene Lim".

it does seem fun to be able to start off someone's day with that stanza...am so looking forward to it.

according to mark, i've been making some real progress knowledge-wise, as i begin to understand more about such business analysis.

i discovered a flood in our scout den today. we spent the entire evening clearing up the mess and mopping up copious amounts of gross fluid which totally stank. fortunately, we had a few scouts down to help us.

as i was picking up rubbish, he pulled me along as he walked out of the school grounds to grab a taxi. as we turned the corner, he put his arm around me and talked.

then he leaned over to kiss me before he boarded the cab to work.

after the entire episode with the flood, we headed to HQ to meet bubba and gim hui. then we went for dinner/supper.

gim hui and i started talking about trivial feelings like plain feeling for the opposite sex.

we both agreed that being stressed out and too busy is the best way to keep from thinking of such trivialities. because when we're idle, these, inevitably, would pop into our minds.

now that i'm busy enough with my work leading up to my even busier job, i'm glad i'm getting back on track.

the old serene's returning. and she's coming back in full force.

look out world. the bitch is back...*evil laughter*

today was what i'd call a productive day. am definitely getting back into the swing of things.

"the swing of things" also means taking me away from my social order...which might not necessarily be a bad thing. i need to get back in intellectual shape and turn away from trivialities like men and jekyll and hyde.

bubba told me he'd hammer HIM if i become jaded about love. i tell bubba HE wouldn't be at fault if i were jaded. because i am not in love with him. he does not want to be in love with me either.

yesterday met with the pple at SIAS research. david gerald was there too. it was "make fun of the young lady who's voice we loved so much" day. sigh...i'll be working with these guys...haha...

i feel like hugging and kissing someone. actually, i feel like hugging and kissing everyone.

life's too short to keep our emotions in check.

so please, give me a hug the next time you see me, and remind me that i owe you a kiss.

the anticipation and stress sets in...

tomorrow's my first real meeting with SIAS, together with the bosses.

i say first REAL meeting because they've already been introduced to my voice. hope they aren't too disappointed with what they see tomorrow.

it was real tiring today. i didn't spend the evening with him, but the day ended off pretty good. i had to put him into the equation because this is the first sunday in a long time that i didn't spend with him.

woke up at 8am, and decided to head down to school. had to put my "bitch mask" on.

the rest came in slowly...and when jianyi arrived, he started telling how his school term will suck major. and we just kept swearing at each other...and it was cathartic. at least he caught a gist of what was to come later.

it was a pretty productive session, i suppose. it had all the elements of a huge fight - tears, swearing, defensive finger-pointing and more swearing.

i realized today how much this buncha people mean to me.

i'd probably miss them if i leave.

it was really really heartening to see the whole group practising and learning together. today was simply amazing.

zhiguang and weikai were there.

and jiehan came back.

coolness.

woo-hoo!

empowerment rocks!

let's just hope it lasts a hell lot longer this time around.

LOVE was made for me and you - Nat King Cole.

was talking to yen about this girl called erin today. that reminded me of a song from the scarlet pimpernel...erin had sung it in class once.

ONLY LOVE

I see you try to turn away
I hear the words you want to say
I feel how much you need to hide
What's happening inside you tonight

Come meet my eyes one moment more
Our eyes are different than before

This night, so beautiful and strange
This night begins to change who we are

Don't turn away, it's only love quietly coming to you
Whispering through you
Take my hand-it's only love
Let it come through you slowly
Don't be afraid -it's only love

We touch, the dark begins to stir
We can't go back to where we were
Don't be afraid to make it real
Don't be afraid to feel tonight Don't turn away-it's only love
Only a touch that frees you
Let it release you
Take the chance-it's only love
Open your heart and show me
Don't be afraid-it's only love

Don't close your eyes
Don't hold it in
Reach out to me
Let it all begin

Don't be afraid-it's only love
Only a touch that frees you
Let it release you
Take the chance-it's only love
Let it come through you slowly
Open your heart and show me
Don't be afraid it's only love

went down to catch mickey browne and the way cool band at the waterfront again. alas, today's performance simply wasn't as arresting as last night's.

my life's just fucked up...haha. but hey, at least i'm taking hold of the reins again...

it shall be pure funness from now on.

serene: smile, but remember how it was. tell them all to fuck off.

nobody fucks with serene and gets away with it. nobody. (evil laughter...)

so we're back to square one.

i don't know how things are gonna change.

i don't think things are gonna change.

so i think i'd better leave...

"don't leave me"...

that was what someone said to me today.

no, it isn't him.

it's odd that such words can have such an effect on a person.

this person was there for me when i was down. he wants to be there for me when i crumble. and he promises to hold me from regrouping.

my dearest brother...for all your faith in me...i will not leave you. i'll stand by you. and i'll trust you to keep my confidence.

you are my rock. and i adore you.

hable con ella. don't wait till it's too late.

i'm tired. and sad.

people rally around me. it's at times like these when it doesn't matter how many tell me they're there for me...i'll still feel alone.

frankly, i don't think i'll ever get out of that mode. not even with him around.

people try to make me laugh. li neng say that's because my eyes scream pain. she said i could smile or even laugh out loud, but i'll never be able to hide that sadness deep down. imagine...the girl told me this in our first couple of meetings.

i need to fall to fly.

i kinda see rock bottom somewhere, but haven't quite reached it yet. so what happens when i hit rock bottom?

simple. pick myself up and get on with my life...and try not to allow distractions like the present pull me away.

by the way, it was a welcomed distraction.

it was painful, but i guess it was a good pain. i'm finally getting what i deserve. i'm so fucked up...haha.

i probably dislike you to some extent, but i detest me because i've allowed myself to weaken.

on the flip side, i thank you for all that you've given me.

your arms...your lips...your eyes. i just wish you had told me how you felt more.

most of all, i thank you for this wonderous experience. it's painful...but it'll pass. i know it will.

and i shall grow stronger.

i have to be strong. i have to be strong. i have to be.