night rages are back...

even during a two hour nap.

dance dance dance

need to dance...

rueda!! pissed pple off, HUGE circle...small circle

tired shit...legs were hurting, calves aching...but we're cool.

bloch sneakers!!!

thanks jenny. =)

I'LL BE

i went to the istana this morning for an award ceremony.

all through my three hours there, my mind was filled with maniacal musings...like:

1) would alarms go off if i were to set one foot on the lawn?

2) would guards and the swat team swing in from all directions if my cell were to ring in the middle of the ceremony?

3) what'd happen if i carved my name on the istana toilet wall?

i really have to thank all the wonderful comedies i've watched for those funny thoughts.

in a span of two weeks, the chief commissioner has become my naggy new mother.

he has been nagging at me to go to bangalore with the team for their first PR session with all the scouters who'll be there for a function.

i can't go because i can't just take off like that.

work comes first.

(though i kinda feel guilty i'm not busting my ass now, like i did the last time).

i had a whole lot to say about lady salsa...sigh...oh well, it's over. ain't gonna gripe about it no more.

no matter how "understated" i've tried to be, there are people who'll tell me i'm "larger than life".

and i just can't understand it.

physically, verbally, i've toned things down a whole lot...not that i was over-the-top before.

so it's funny how people would say that now, and not before when i was, quite obviously, more "star"-like.

(and i do mean the star personality profile).

hmm. i'm pensive.

TIME

i'm numb.

not sure what from, but i am.

the weekend's blinked by without much ado.

dancing has been major therapy, and would be IT for a long time to come.

last week was a rollercoaster ride.

between trying to get rid of the flu and working out some articles, i've had some time to think.

i've been physically neglecting something i call my religion...but because it is so entrenched in me, i don't fear losing touch with it.

people may not understand it, but it is very real to me.

it's something like dance.

when stayz told me about the wonders of dance three years back, i couldn't quite grasp how it could be a need.

tomorrow, i will write him an email to tell him i finally get it.

For as long as he can remember he has had an incredible energy. And it has nothing to do with drugs or alcohol either ? the man doesn’t touch the stuff. “Maybe it is about needing to dance, I love to dance," he tells me.

Dancing is how Stayz has survived. In his late teenage years it gave him a break and he says it is the key that opened doors all over the world for him.

- Y We Dance website

stayz was the first person who made me believe in my talent - my voice.

it was then i made music my guiding light.

with dance coming into the picture, everything seems to be falling into place.

it's taken me my life thus far to recognize my calling.

now, more than ever, it's taking me to new spiritual heights.

my salvation lies in this.

and as long as i remain true to my precious light, i will not falter.

it's a lonely world when people expect the truth, yet can't handle it. after that negative reinforcement, you're back at square one. if only they could accept your being, and not try to understand you in totality. after all, how can anyone understand the grid of the human race?

(can you picture this?)

my heart's still in manhattan.

so home's there.

no matter where i move to, home will be there...as long as my heart is.

when will i ever go home?

in my semi-drugged state this evening, i managed to:

1) catch the 1755 train down to dhoby ghaut;

2) grab the stuff from ashley;

3) gripe with her for a bit;

4) hop over to breadtalk for a bite; and

5) catch the 1830 train back to serangoon.

i don't think i've ever been so happy to be able to stand up straight.

it feels good to be back.

well, almost.

i wonder how many other people he sent this message to...

"so do you have a date tonight?"

meaning what?

"no babes...haha. do you?"

"nope. going home. let's go out for a show sometime."

"sure...so you're having a quiet night with your mac too huh?"

"oh yeah definitely."

i don't know...does this exchange make sense to you?

SHITTY SHITTY BANG BANG

i derive much of my energy from the sun.

i love the sun.

but too much of a good thing has left me struggling to take my next deep breath without choking, or activating the phelgm reflex.

three full days of standing under direct heat and having my hearing murdered by the cymbal and drum beats have taken their toll on quite a few of us in the group.

yes. it's the post-lion dance season sickness.

i'm feeling like shit now and i can't hear properly.

but those three days have brought us closer as a group.

we traded stories and experiences en route to our various performance venues...and even though we're all VERY different individuals, we're bonded by one single goal:

to teach our boys our brand of scouting. yeung ching style.

it's just like what us few salsa-lites talked about...

in school, CCAs were the filters to bringing people with the same interests together. when we're out working, things like salsa become the filtering mechanism. the same goes for scouting...even though it's really more political than it looks.

dax thinks my hair's nice.

he saw me yesterday when i was all sick, sweaty and messy...and he likes it.

if dax thinks it looks good, then it does.

because he's the expert eye.

the other expert eyes have echoed his sentiments. =)

i'm good.

DO YOU ONLY WANNA DANCE

so baby stop you're surrounded
i got my love all around ya
one wrong move and i'll down ya
and that'll end ya
you should surrender
you'll never win
unless you give in
so won't you give our love a chance
or do you only wanna dance?

no real reason for starting off today's babble with this song...it's just that it's been ringing in my head since hearing it so many times new year's eve.

i suppose a lotta people, while dancing with a good partner, would have the last two lines of the chorus above flash through their minds. occasionally.

after all, if you're single, and you're dancing with a fantastic lead who enjoys dancing with you...yeah.

i'm going nowhere with this, by the way, so don't start getting any weird ideas.

i danced with a fantastic lead today.

the best dancer in the room (well at least i think he is...for most of the fiestas i've stayed for) asked me to dance.

and i said "i'll try".

i didn't need to. he was SUCH A GOOD LEAD!

the only part i got stumped was when he did some moves that required styling on my part...and i'm like "i don't know how to style!"

but it sure was fun dancing with him.

my hair's now at this really awkward length...i'm glad it's gotten slightly longer...but it sure looks funny.

if i hadn't opened my mouth to speak for most of yesterday, the lion dance clients would probably have thought of our group as an all-male ensemble.

of course, that wouldn't be too surprising, given that we are, in fact, a scout unit.

i was feeling lethargic for most of the day. even salsa class sucked somewhat.

but once fiesta began...man...it brought me back to life.

i'm now back to slumping in my seat though.

the thought of a long tomorrow doesn't quite do it for me...but hell, i'm hoping it'll turn out better than it looks to be.

good night worldie.

some people keep nodding their heads at the notion of me being a volcano just waiting to erupt.

and that's all they'll ever know how to do.

because at the back of their minds, they're thinking...

"whatever. how big could she become?"

it's that very thought that keeps them from letting go...of me.

i might just have taken that first step out, and they've just yanked me back in, giving no thought to how much this step might've meant to me.

if not for last night's salsa session, this would've been the start to my new year.

and what an awful start it would've made.

*i'm feeling so pissed. i WILL have to act my way through the evening, at the very least.

I'VE GOT THE POWER

i might just have met a second wayne umehara today.

except that this time around, this guy's just a tad bit more aggressive.

it was supposed to be a business meeting, but after ten minutes of discussing printing material and stuff, he started to tell me about me.

it's true.

he told me about me.

i'm gonna make a feeble attempt at listing the things he said...

1) YOU ARE A VERY BRIGHT PERSON.

he said the moment he met me, he felt my sincerity shine through. and that i'm a very smart person. with a sunshiney personality.

2) YOU'VE GOT IT.

he said i've got the whole package to make it anywhere i wanted. he actually said i am a very powerful woman...and that i just haven't realized it yet.

a volcano waiting to erupt - that's another thing he called me. but in a good way. he thinks i'm now just burbling beneath the surface, and in time, i will erupt and do great things.

"you know that you have the power to have men 'die in your hands'?"

(imagine saying 'die in your hands' in mandarin. there you go)

3) YOU'RE LIKE A WILD HORSE.

just waiting to be tamed. by the right person.

and the right person would have a stronger personality than me.

a lesser man would never have the guts to even strike up a real conversation with me, let alone tame me.

i can't remember what else he mentioned really.

it's all a jumble of words right now...but it was a really interesting meeting.

he even said that he'd love to see me MAKE IT, and to take it from him, as a fellow hainanese brother, to take the first step.

THIS, FROM SOMEONE I MET FOR THE FIRST TIME, TODAY.

how the hell?!

i thought i was plain ambitious...and that everyone else my age was like that.

whenever my parents tried to tie me down with harsh reality, i would look at them through fiery eyes, saying...

"do you know how much i have in me? how much the world hasn't seen?"

i know i am powerful.

and that i'm meant for much bigger things.

it's just a matter of time.

world, you ain't seen nothin' yet.

CELEBRATE

i'm contemplating disappearing on el dia.

sounded it off jac, and she said...

"i've thought about it before too, but then realized it'd be rather odd, and sad, to be alone and feel as if no one cares about you."

especially on el dia.

the monday after my last rueda II class.

el dia.

i wonder if i'd feel anything other than pure rueda exhilaration then.

SUPERMAN

Superman (to Lois Lane): I've got you.

Lois Lane (in response): You've got me, who's got you?!

so those were lines from the niagara falls scene, where superman flew down and scooped a flailing lois lane back up onto dry land.

let's just take those two lines into an emotional context, shall we?

how wonderful it would be to be an emotional bucket.

wait...let me amend that a little...

how wonderful it would be to be a bottomless emotional bucket.

i would then be able to listen to people and their problems, give my two cents worth, and move on. all this in addition to handling my own issues. and moving on.

i know like-minded people...people who believe their salvation comes from helping others.

but...

HOW MUCH IS TOO MUCH?

and how do you stop before you reach your breaking point?

i suppose we're always testing our threshold for such things, but the truth is, we can't simply keep taking and not have an outlet for release.

we must learn to recognize that we can't be all.

i have to learn that i can't please everyone and that that will, inevitably, cause some discontent and disappointment.

and i should be all right with that.

there's just way too much in my head right now to reconcile, so i'm just gonna chuck a lamp-post right...HERE.

i had the most fantastic dinner conversation last evening...with four people i just got to know.

there we were, tucking into burgers and fries in the middle of a crowded burger king, laughing our hearts out.

it felt like we had some sorta odd connection, even if it was just for those two hours.

we weren't laughing and pretending that everything was all right.

rather, we were laughing...knowing that our lives weren't all smooth-sailing...and recognizing its idiosyncracies.

we all lead different lives, but just for that evening, we meshed.

and it just felt so good to be intellectually stimulated.

three of us headed to union for a bit after dinner and, for the first time, dancing with this guy felt different.

there was a certain level of comfort, knowing a little more about him and his beliefs, even though we were totally screwing up the bachata.

last night might've been a chance convergence of five souls.

so i sent the four of them a note to thank them for the wonderful evening.

i'm suddenly drawing a blank.

EL DIA

i believe brain capacity is expandable.

after all, we're supposely only using that teeny portion of it, so our present capacity is definitely enlargeable.

but even with so much more space to think about things, why are people constantly bogged down by "way too many problems"?

why can't we all simply compartmentalize the different aspects of our lives?

i suppose you can only box up so much without losing your grip.

with two kick-ass movie-lines in my head and so many areas of work, scouts and more to concentrate on, i still manage to squeeze in some space to FEEL about EL DIA.

which is just a little more than a month away.

subconsciously, obviously. until i confronted myself as i stared at my reflection this morning.

physically, i'm trying to yank myself outta that rut of feeling this way about EL DIA every year.

i hope this year shall be a little different.

though EL DIA would probably end the same way.

two fantastic movies in a week.

serene, you're so spoiling yourself.

but geez...i haven't even digested la mala educacion yet.

let's give kinsey another week to settle down.

in other news,

someone dropped by the booth today and told me that this one journalist thought i was cute.

but the last time this one journalist saw me, i still had long hair.

hmm.

Pedro Almodovar is brilliant.

Ignacio Rodriguez is beautiful.

Moon River brought tears to my eyes.

Twisted and Disturbing.

Loved it.

*like all good movies and quotes, the messages will only sink in a couple of days later...for me, that is.