so now you see i'm not that strong, elaine.

i try to be. and i suppose i succeed...masking my emotions outside my room.

but i crumble...

and yes, i guess when the heart's in pain, the head has to take over.

do i have to wait till the heart fails of immense pain before my head can come to life?

when do i stop feeling and start to think?

the bitch shall reign on sunday.

i'm a sick person who's excellent at manipulating and acting.

i'm feeling sad today.

no wait...i'm feeling sad this evening. this morning i was mad.

i'll deal with the "madness" of it all this sunday, when i take to my stage. but the sadness i gotta deal with now...

sigh...i'll spill the beans on the "surprise" since it ain't gonna happen.

last night i came up with this thing about catching him after he gets off work on new year's morning. i had wanted to kiss him. yes i know it's a stupid thought...especially if he gets off work in the wee hours of the morning...but i just suddenly thought of doing it.

then i started contending with pride. it feels that i'm getting way too emotionally involved.

so i smsed him before dinner. i asked what time he'd be getting off work, and he asked why and what i thought of doing. i told him not to question and just tell me. he kept pressing me for a reason and finally relented that he might be doing something then.

problem solved. i didn't need to oppress pride any longer because it was already crushed. when he kept asking me what i had planned, i told him there was no point in telling him anymore cuz it's not gonna happen anyway...

after that i told him to have a good night at work, and said that i had just wanted to kiss him.

bye bye pride.

i can't believe how much pain i'm feeling right now. i must be the biggest loser in the world...sitting alone in my room, blogging...and crying my eyes out on new year's eve.

i feel so lonely right now. so very very lonely.

i 'm not craving for physical companionship...i just feel so utterly empty.

i tried to keep myself from being alone tonight...because i knew it would lead to this. it's the same every holiday. i hate holidays. they always get me so down.

i knew this christmas was unreal.

oh god...i really need a hug right now. i do. help...please don't let me sink back into oblivion...please...don't.

you know what? i suppose i would've taken a cab down in the morning just to give him that one kiss...even if it's the stupidest thing i'll ever do.

i'm a stupid girl. a stupid girl who's home on new year's eve, crying her eyes out and wallowing in self-pity.

pride is the name of the game.

it's a constant struggle of "should i lay down my pride this time" because there are simply no guarantees to a happy ending.

it's like the tango.

when two tango, they move as one. he's forceful, she follows. she radiates sensuality, he takes it all in...it gives him the strength to lead. it's a symbiotic relationship. and time seems to stand still.

after the music ends, they part...until their next tango.

figuring out a faux-relationship is somewhat similar.

each will feel that he's giving more than the other...at the same time thinking that holding back is the best defence against a broken heart.

but as two people move forward in a seeming relationship, no matter how non-existent they make it out to be, is it even possible to "hold back"? wouldn't the acts of giving and sharing each other be a natural progression?

i always thought i could keep it all in. i thought wrong.

one thing that remains constant though - i'm not a subservient being. i will not follow blindly and offer myself to you. i will not be a slave to love.

i am not in love. i may be in like, but am certainly not in love.

jaded as i may be, i'm hopeful enough to want to fall in love someday. but, like i said, love will not enslave me.

i have my pride.

and if, after reading all this, you still do not realize how much i've laid down...

alas. pain.

once again, it's me who needs this relationship to be defined.

what used to happen...i lead people to define our relationship, then leave them cold and dry after they do. how sick can a person get?

don't know if i've evolved somewhat...with this one, i simply can't leave him fending for himself out in this wretched weather. with all that he's been through (whether situational or self-inflicted), i'm not sure if i can let go of this one as easily. obviously, if he were to read this, that male ego of his would be screaming shit at me.

i caught a glimpse of the elusive teddy bear last night. i hugged it and it hugged back. i tried so hard to keep myself from kissing it, but that obviously didn't work. it's eyes got to me...they caved into an instance of vulnerability and fragility. yes, it was just a glimpse, but the bear did cry for help.

i've cried out for help many times...and no one came forward. i've grown jaded, distrusting and believing that i could count on no one but myself for anything at all.

i believe that teddy's living the same belief.

i can empathize. but it doesn't think i can. i fear as much as it fears. but it doesn't think i do.

i've laid down my pride. many times i've gotten so embarrassed i've shrunk back into my shell. i should know better than to lay it all out, but alas, i have.

i care for this being...and everything it stands for. i know it cares for me too.

i have no answers. it refuses to give me any. i don't know how much more of this i can take.

i don't know when, and if, it will lay down its pride for me.

if it doesn't care, it has to tell me now...for i will need time to heal, and forget how much i care.

hable con mi, por favor. por favor.

"don't go where i cannot follow."

see...i did learn something from lord of the rings.

it seemed such an insignificant line, but it certainly stuck. with all the fanfare in the second half of the movie, that one line stuck.

fuck it serene...when did you become such a stickler for such one-liners? when did these words start meaning so much?

don't know. perhaps i'm just this closet hopeless romantic case who's just waiting to be confirmed. then again, i could always write such shit even when i ain't in feel.

i felt frustrated today. i pride myself on being a somewhat productive individual...and having had so little done today just wasn't my style.

but sam did it for me with that line of his. lord of the rings saved the day. otherwise, the day would've ended the way it started - fucked.

so this is my ode to peter jackson: you're my hero. so is sam.

he said "i don't want to let go". reminds me of how i struggled to "let go" of the memory of josh.

please don't let go.

i've been thinking an awful lot about mr beasley.

it speaks of how how fast cars and bling bling don't mean nothing, because she loves him for his personality and soul.

if material items don't come into the picture at all when people fall for each other, then there'd be a lot of happy couples in the world...and hardly talk of break-ups.

let's face it, every domestic or relationship problem probably stems from the same thing - dosh.

sure...everything starts off hunky-dory. you whisper sweet nothings into each other's ears at extremely close proximity, steal kisses under the moonlight by the esplanade waterfront, lie side by side and simply enjoy each other's company.

and just when you think love can conquer all, doubts start to creep in as one party starts to wonder if the other is freeloading because it seems like he/she's always been paying for this or that. "is she using me?" is probably the usual refrain...

and if time equals money, then not spending enough time with her will also mean you don't spend enough on her...meaning you're a freakin stinge-ray.

my friends have always "seen" me with mature, successful, tall and strong...perhaps even caucasian. i don't know what i've done to create that sorta impression.

so naturally, people start questioning my going out with him. then i start questioning myself.

he's a real sweetie...yes, he can be annoying at times, but he has a good heart. in the past couple of weeks, he's shown how affectionate and sensitive he can be. he sorta behaves like he's all that, but it's probably to mask that soft spot within. he could be a huge softie...but male ego prevails and that teddy bear's stifled.

"i'd like to see your eyes through those goggles that you're wearing, don't try to hide away."

i see so much pain in him sometimes...he probably doesn't realize it but i do. to know of the pain and not be able to hear of it is, perhaps, as painful as the pain itself.

as the new year draws nearer, i'm ashamed to find myself thinking if he'd be part of the new equation.

i feel guilty telling people how he and i could never fit together because we're too different.

i just wish...he'd give me something more to work on...to show me that we really aren't that different.

i'm falling for him, and i don't even realize it.

corrinne may is awesome.

watching her enrapture the 200-strong crowd with her soulful pipes was almost surreal...especially with all the mist and minor echo.

several songs that stuck: "safe in a crazy world" and "little superhero girl"...the latter being as upbeat as "mr beasley". coolness i say.

poor fella had some digestion problems today. it probably really got to him cuz he wasn't really himself. only thing i could offer was prune juice...and a good night kiss.

don't think he liked the book i gave him...he laughed a bit, but it was sorta patronizing.

stop it serene.

there is something special at christmas time this year...

i received the card he sent out yesterday. i smiled as i saw his writing on the envelope. i resisted the temptation to simply yank the card out of it and carefully slit the fold. as i opened the card, i was greeted with a cheery "hello my dear!!!".

i guess he was right. it sure is better to receive the card in the mail. i should've known...since i've always loved mail.

i remember how my classmate and i used to secretly exchange letters...we'd write pages and slip it under each other's desk before the other arrived. no one else knew of the exchange. we learnt so much about each other sometimes we'd laugh hard at a joke just because we both shared a private thingee. the most beautiful thing about our interaction was that it was purely platonic.

mail's good.

merry christmas serene.

i felt so judged this morning.

i don't usually care about such things but it really hurts when someone gives you the "you are cheap" look...even if you know you haven't done anything wrong at all.

i remember from eons ago i used to go to jo's place, and sometimes, even spend the night there. we'd play board games and spar intellect through the night (his friends and i), and i'd head home in the morning, when buses start coming around. as i enter my home, she'd give me the exact same look she gave me this morning. she actually said "what's happened to you? when did you become so cheap?" (or something to that extent in mandarin)

if people who know me hear of the above, they'd probably laugh it off and say "serene? no way...she's way too straight for that kinda shit". they're right. i have my fun...but i've got my limits as well.

i can't stand being judged.

on the flip side, i went laptop shopping with the bosses today...and we got a benq. pretty cool...and it kinda resembles a mac. my kinda comp...

mark and angus think i'm an angel...haha...that i'm really naive and sweet. we'll see about that in time to come...haha.

chestnuts was a hoot! dang...jon was hilarious, as usual. they never fail to come up with current and interesting material...

i'm lovin' it.

so here i am, making up for the lack of drivel from the past five days.

just finished watching "the road home" on axn. truly touching and inspiring. love conquers all. love at first sight. whatever.

the chalet was a good getaway from life for a bit...even if we were just stuck in changi most of the time. i've never thought of the beach, or sea, or waves as soothing, or even romantic, that is, until the chalet.

trying to picture the scene and feel the feel simply isn't enough. you have to be there to really feel it.

i'd walk down the little path from the chalet to the beachfront while everyone was doing their thang. it'd be late and no one would notice i was gone. i'd stand in front of the drop-off and stare out into blackness, the only indication of any water in front of me being the sound of the waves crashing against the rocks at high tide.

gradually, someone would realize i ain't around, and would come out looking for me.

then it hit me. people care enough to realize i'm not always around. people ain't that bad. people change for the better. and there's nothing wrong with that.

i wonder if people feel how much i care because compared to them, i never seem to care enough...or at least, i don't think i do. i mean...i already have issues with feeling.

so is what i'm feeling now real? or am i feeling so because i keep telling myself I HAVE TO FEEL? sigh...a constant jekyll and hyde conflict.

i believe people do think i'm genuine. that's how i got to know so many and landed myself the job in the first place. i believe they think i care. i believe they think i'm real.

i guess i just gotta believe in myself a little more. i have to let people in...let them feel me...and let them love me.

scouting has grounded me in more ways than one. in the group, the people are real. i get bitch-slapped for any wrongdoing...no holds barred. i like that. and as much as they think they aren't fancy or anything like that, i believe (in many ways), that we share witty repartes much better than the fake society has ever known...though half the time i'd be trying to figure out what they're saying when they speak in hokkien/teochew/whatever that's not english or mandarin.

thank you for being nice to the girl in the corner. thank you for lending her your shirt...your hand...your gaze...your silly grin. thank you for feeling for her (or is she just being terribly presumptious) and giving her a chance to feel that certain way.

you know who you are.

today was a happy and relatively carefree day.

went with aunt and peter to get a new handphone this morning, then headed home for a bit before meeting up with peter, rachel and ray in the evening to head to bubba's place.

it was a nice feel...going there. saw many of the holy innocent's gang, spoke to bubba's bro and mom as well. fun.

then peter sent ray to work and let us off there as well. rachel and i just walked down the stretch, down to cineleisure, and then headed back home. talked to bubba and the gang for a bit there before we left though. funny buncha kids.

sigh...this is truly a narrative of the day. have i lost my touch just because i've attained some sort of happiness?

or is it because i'm simply too tired to blog? (i've been awake since 5am this morning...don't ask.)

oh yeah. i made my hair brown.

today's training saw a change of scene.

mark decided that the meeting room was way too cold, and (in view of my fleece sweater and sniffling nose) had suggested we talk at a cafe instead.

so down we walked towards one fullerton and settled at this open-air space. the server came by and took our drink orders. then she came back with our drinks...and some brownies. she stood by the table a little awkwardly, and said that the cake was on the house and that they only gave it to certain customers. when mark asked whey she gave it to us, she looked at me and said "because you are very pretty, that's why we gave it to you". mark and i looked at each other, laughed and he said "boy am i glad i'm with you then!" mark also tried mom's tiramisu and said it was really good...

i got the letter of offer today...looks good...will probably take it.

met aunt for a little shopping today (though she didn't get much done anyways). we talked about the boys...including HIM. and she said the bkk trip confirmed her "suspicions". said he was pretty anxious about calling back to sin but couldn't get a phonecard so he was making a lotta noise. oh well.

he wants to meet up tomorrow to go grab aunt's handphone as well...crazy ass.

all i want for christmas...

the daily (if not nightly) blogging starts now.

just as i've promised, i'll write every night should this go through...and it has!!!

so now, i've gotta make good on my promises to hug and kiss everyone around me, and tell of how hard work and diligence takes the cake.

mark and angus called me right after the pitch today and the first thing mark said was "serene, we'd like to offer you a position at hong bao media". and i'm, like, "what?!" so they said that the client heard the sample recording and was very pleased with it...and that the product was sold within the first 15 minutes of the pitch. the main man even asked if the presenter was lynette tai!! geez...

then i tell mom, dad, bro and tried to call aunt but she unhooked her phone. then when ray didn't pick up, i called bubba.

it's a happy day for the both of us...he's outta the army and i got my job...yay!!

am heading down to JB this sunday for some eats...should be fun. when i asked ray why he was going when he was working the previous night. and he's like "if you're going, then i'm going too..." oh well.

hugs and kisses coming your way.

oddness.

my gut tells me i'm losing interest.

this comes on the back of all those "i miss you(s)" and "wish you were here" shit exchanged over the weekend and beyond.

shit...this doesn't bode well.

that red light is constantly nagging at me, threatening to go off should he get too close.

i know i've just written, but i've simply got to blog on something i chanced upon.

blogs ago, i wrote on how this 18-year-old told of how ready he is for a relationship and that he wants to fall in love. i also wrote of how i admire his honesty and romanticism.

a month ago, this person shared something with me - a webpage his girlfriend of two months did to commemorate their anniversary.

now, truth be told, i thought it to be rather corny... don't get me wrong. it wasn't the idea of the webpage that was corny, but the notion of celebrating an anniversary every month. i guess the webpage itself also had something to do with how i felt.

it was simple enough - a couple of pictures here and there and a short stanza of blog. such pages would normally warrant no more than one glance from me, but i don't know why i keep heading back to that page when i feel down.

like i said, it was a simple page and if i wasn't in the relationship, i wouldn't feel shit. i guess there was just something about it...it could be mr beasley, or how the images seem to piece together so perfectly. i found a link from that page today.

it was totally unintentional. i wasn't expecting to find something. now that i have, i feel like i've intruded into a couple's private space.

but as guilty as i feel for having stumbled upon those writings, my heart warmed up as i scanned through the contents...accompanied by colin raye's "in this life". i smiled a whole lot while reading. then i found another link from that page. reading on, i realized a tear rolling down my right cheek and into the corner of my mouth.

i shall not reveal the contents of those pages. however, i'd like to say how those pages have made me realize the deep affection these two have for each other, and that their relationship is truly unique to their peer group. they do share (in their own words) "a deep connection".

jaded as i may be, these two have somehow penetrated my emotional shield.

i can only wish i'd be able to forge such a connection with another someday.

i wish you both the very best.

i sincerely hope that you two will grow old together.

i can't even think of a word to describe how today went.

we headed down to aunt's place at about seven this morning cuz i had to print out my letter on terence's computer. he just waited for us to get things done so we could get going to the airport.

so there we were, sitting on the couch...me, waiting for terence to leave so i could use his computer, and he, simply stoning. after using the comp and waiting for time to pass so we could be on our way, i headed back down to the couch. what he did then kinda stunned me.

he hugged me and rested his chin on my shoulder (i know...this has no shock value...but wait...). then as my aunt came over to hurry us, i tried to wriggle outta his arms but he wouldn't let me. so there she was, standing right in front of us, telling us to get off our butts and he looked up at her with his face all shriveled up, hugged me tighter, buried his face in my neck and mumbled "can i meet you guys there tomorrow?" then aunt laughs and walks away.

huh?!!!

as we got into the cab, aunt offered to sit in front. geez...(i felt so bad...)

so we sat behind. he held my hand. then he got sick of that position and got back to putting his arms around me. as we neared STC and i pulled out my staff pass, he tried to glimpse it but i wouldn't let him. then as i firmly declined to let him view the pass, he pulled his arms away and folded them...giving me this faux-angry look (as if i care). so i turned away from him and looked out the window. after a couple more minutes, he decided to hold my hand again...haha...geez.

so anyways, the whole gang is off in bangkok now having fun...drinking tom yam soup...and what-nots.

hmm...so what else is new?

oh...i'm done. with my job, i mean.

and hmm...i guess today went SLOW.

today's IT.

i never thought this day would come so soon. soon, i shall lick my lips and relish the taste of pure...nothingness.

i can't believe how easy it was to finally put my foot down and say "that's enough".

as promised, i shall write every night.

even if it's a one-liner.

it's s'wonderful...s'marvellous...