CHICKEN RHYTHM

i swear the chicken's making my day with its goofy grin.

and with ash and my creativity comes this:



now look who's the funky chicken?

47.5.

again.

my mom says i'm becoming thinner and flatter.

i'm so tired.

but i had managed to leave my fatigue aside for a while to hear an old friend out.

there we stood for an hour...right outside my office building where she bumped into me.

we haven't met in about two years, but she must've felt extremely distressed to have poured her heart out to me.

it was hard to watch her cry while relating what's happened since.

but i'm glad she called out to me today.

perhaps...for today...i was someone's angel in disguise.

CAN'T SMILE WITHOUT YOU

DP's probably going "aarrrggghhh!!! not that song again!". =)

if i hadn't chanced upon daphne this morning, i wouldn't have been able to smile throughout the whole press briefing.

naturally, that is.

if cole hadn't come over and tapped me on my shoulder to announce his presence, i'd probably have been more jittery.

funny what two familiar faces can do to calm your nerves somewhat.

cold and sanitized was the morning.

i felt stifled.

on hindsight, i think the best times i've had hosting was during my stint at sbs transit...the bus captains never failed to make me laugh with their crooked grins.=)

that's real.

I CAN'T GET NO SATISFACTION

with the raw information on my left and the mind map on my right, i'm all set to put it all down into one single document.

but no, it isn't happening.

my fingers are simply hovering above the keyboard, refusing even to open WORD up to start.

i get chills running down my spine just by listening to the interview.

the gravity of the content and the questions it raises confuse me more with each playback.

i seem to be falling down a bottomless pit.

alfie, han lim and matthew have tried to hold me up at certain points of the fall, but i just couldn't hold on long enough to stay.

i'm still falling.

so...

yes this is it, but perhaps it isn't IT.

i wonder if there'd be an episode two.

SAVE ME

i drift, i burn, i fly
when you sing lullabys
i'm helpless, i'm yearning
i'm like putty in your hands

- corrinne may

i haven't met you, but i know you.

i know your voice, your gaze, your touch, your smell.

i know of how you will love me, embrace me.

but...

i don't know if i can love you.

perhaps when i see my friends shake your hand, i'll know.

they should know before i do.

BREAKAWAY

i feel like going into hibernation...at least for the next couple weeks.

it's been a long time coming. i'm missing myself.

i'm fatigued, but a bike ride tonight would probably be a good thing.

after exotic dancing.

no salsa tonight...or for the week...well, we'll see.

object of humor for the day:


chicken rhythm

and oh...got a few new pictures up on flickr, btw. =)

SCANDALOUS

when phoneCAST started its blog, absolutely no one but ashley's friends and mine read it.

after all, only we publicized it in our personal blogs.

after close to a month though, we realized if we were to expressly state company names, it'd make us THAT much easier to track on search engines.

pretty "duh", ain't it?

but seriously...we didn't know that until an anonymous fella left us a message on our tagboard, alleging a certain Company A (we wrote about) was up to no good.

that must've been at least half a year back.

that lead led us to keeping a close watch on this company and finally, after months of observing its movements and corresponding with Mr Anonymous, we got our balls together to speak to Company A about these allegations.

those 35 minutes of sheer tension would've been enough to send a german shepard out the door with its tail between its hind legs.

it was probably one of the best interviews i have ever done...purely because while i did not mince my words the slightest bit, i managed to keep an objective tone with a hint of a smile on my face.

well, ashley said i kept it objective. =)

seriously though, if i were to have gone at it alone, i would've been rather shaken.

yesterday was a big deal.

i finally feel like a journalist.

HE AIN'T HEAVY, HE'S MY BROTHER

i had realized what i missed about living under the same roof as my family when i got home early sunday morning.

i opened my bedroom door and turned on the lights to see my baby brother sleeping with gwizzly and piggin lying next to him.

when i woke up the next morning, i turned around to see those two beanies staring right at me.

that's what i miss.

my brother and i have this thing about our stuffed animals...

we'd creep into each others' rooms before the other awakes just to arrange the animals in the most comical position ever, so when one wakes up, he'll wake up laughing.

i also miss watching my brother sleep.

even though we didn't spend much time together that night, lying in the same bed for those couple of hours brought us just that tad bit closer.

i teased him that morning. about his funny checked shirt. and convinced him to wear a t-shirt instead so he wouldn't look too nerdy.

we shared a seat on the bus and he alighted earlier to catch a train.

it was then that i realized...

my brother IS home.

he is my home.

SAVE ME

Save me from this place
Heaven knows I've fallen...

- Corrinne May

the temptation to walk straight out of union and head home was too much to bear.

but i waited it out.

time hadn't cleared me of any misgivings.

i was dressed to dance, wanted to dance, but simply couldn't.

i felt absolutely downtrodden...that is, until jackson asked me to dance and spun me six times.

of course, philbie's magic helped somewhat, but still...

the pain was omnipresent.

i had to try my mostest to keep the feeling outta my head, but even when it's compartmentalized somewhat, the body just refused to come into play.

perhaps it's just a mixture of fatigue, stress and accusatory undertones.

i really just need to cry it out.

maybe everything will fall into place when i awake.

what an ache.

what a bloody sinking feeling.

SLEEPING CHILD

i'm exhausted after wrecking my brains for a seemingly simple article.

i'm experiencing a horrible bout of WRITERS' BLOCK! =(

this is so not good.

i'm going to bed.

just thought i'd share some pretty interesting smses i got this evening...

"bye serene. didn't manage to say bye as you were dancing. hmmm...there is this weird problem of mine. my brain just freezes everytime i see you on the dance floor. but i'll ask you for a dance when this problem is gone. thanks, see you again, good night."

i had to yank this guy in from outside and force him to "basic-dance" me, just to get him outta his shell. my classmate from LADC.

"hey little girl...no superhero...world doesn't need to be conquered...don't jump into bed...don't disguise...but search and feel your soul...turn to your soul...you don't need to be a superhero."

now this guy probably listened to my theme song a tad bit too much...haha. thanks for the message, stranger.

good night world.

SEVEN

SEVEN! SEVEN! SEVEN!

my magic number of the day =)

BODY LANGUAGE

linna tan is putting out a really strong statement through the name of her dance school.

now if you haven't heard of her, or her school before, get this:

it's called THE BODYTALKS.

says it all, doesn't it?

my first lesson with her today takes the term "body language" to a whole new dimension.

before today, i knew of my different body parts.

after class, i knew of HOW my different body parts SAY DIFFERENT THINGS.

isolated and/or together.

like...while learning THE BODYWAVE, we stood in front of the mirror and consciously commanded our various parts to touch the panel...

1) forehead
2) face
3) chest
4) rib cage
5) stomach
6) pelvic bone
7) upper thighs
8) lower thighs
9) knees
10) sit on the right leg

reverse that order and you'll have a REVERSE BODYWAVE.

now the following can only happen in an all-girl class:

linna senses some of us can't get the reverse bodywave.

so she stands behind those who can't get it, places her hands around the girl, presses the girl to herself, and urges the girl to follow her movements...starting with the pelvic bone.

the girl's pelvis basically thrusts upwards with linna's pelvic thrusts.

man...the professionalism of that woman...i gotta lift my furry white parisian beret off to her.

all in all, the class was very enjoyable.

in other news...

when someone gives a suggestion and you concur and reciprocate with a possible addition to his good idea, what should that elicit?

surely not a "whatever you want", followed by a "have a nice day", right?

if you would respond like that, speak now...leave a comment or a tag...

so i wouldn't misconstrue such remarks in future as being RUDE and CURT.

periods at the end of such remarks also add a note of finality.

as in...whatever you want. have a nice day.

it really is a conversation-ender.

being cheeky is one thing. i can take cheeky.

however, cross the line and your sorry behind will get it.

then there are people who feel insecure talking to me.

they feel a need to add a certain "uppance" in their speech or writing when conversing or corresponding with me.

and when i sense that, i just get terribly put off.

why can't these people just be themselves?

*hmm...pondering for a moment...

maybe that IS them. innately insecure and all.

they probably don't even realize they're morphing out of their vessels.

then again, i can't expect everyone to be as self-aware as i am.

sigh.

i bother too much.

BURP.

THE GREATEST STORY EVER TOLD

the funniest thing just happened...

i felt a little hungry and greedy, so i popped into the kitchen to make myself a bowl of instant noodles.

after a while, i hear the roomie open her door.

before i even had a chance to feel embarrassed (after that "oh my gosh i'm so bloated" talk after dinner), this exchange took place:

Jac: ARE YOU EATING?!

Me: uh...yes... (looking sheepish and guilty)

Jac: oh. i just came out to grab a piece of bread.

*cue the laughter

we almost collapsed onto the floor with laughter...

i tell ya, the neighbors must think we're a buncha crazies...hammering nails in the still of the night and bursting out into giggles way past our bedtime.

what did i tell you?

WE EAT LIKE PIGS.

IF I WERE A CARPENTER'S SON

or daughter...i would know how to fix up a shoe cabinet just like that.

as the roomie and i were struggling with the various pieces of wood and different lengths of nails and screws, this ol' thing popped into my head:

"how many idiots does it take...?"

add the shoe cabinet into the equation and you have us - me and jac.

of course, things got a lot better as we pieced everything together...though the knobs on the doors look rather like a pair of cocked-eyes.


Cock-eyed knobs

as you may be able to tell, the right one is slightly lower than left one.

all because we were trying to expedite the process. dang.

so there you go...we are no carpenters, but hell, we sure are proud of ourselves for putting THAT THING together. =)

*high-five roomie!

the roomie and i are constantly amused at our eating habits.

WE EAT LIKE PIGS.

rather, I EAT LIKE A PIG.

on most occasions, we'd be saying things like "oh my gosh, i'm so bloated" or "that's it, i'm done".

then we'd ask for the dessert menu or smear an extra pound of tartar sauce on that second last piece of fried fish.

today, we had to take the basement route to the carpark to AVOID GELARE...knowing that if we were to pass by it, we'd somehow justify our urge for that scoop of wild strawberry.

wild strawberry = orgasmic experience

hmm...come to think of it, we shouldn't have too much of those, should we? ;)

in other news...

there're times when i get too carried away with my word associations.

like...while talking to constable flirt 1 today, i somehow managed to get from "you men with your beer and your machismo" to "i think i have a lot of testosterone".

constable flirt 1 looked bemused.

all i'll say is...that was only the tip of the bloody huge iceberg.

WHAT A DAY.

ANGEL IN DISGUISE

I woke up this morning feeling kinda blue
And I stumbled out of bed and
Dragged my feet across the room
Right outside my front door was a rose
And a note that said "Somebody Loves You"

But out on the street it starts to pour
And before I get soaking wet
A total stranger runs to give me
The jacket off his back
I turn around to thank him
But he waves me with a smile

I can hardly believe my eyes
He puts on a halo and starts to fly

Take a look at the ordinary
Don't need to look for Paradise
You could be next to an angel in disguise

I met a good friend for lunch
And we had a delicious meal
But I forgot to bring my wallet
I felt like an imbecile
But she was sweet, she gave me a treat and
Bought me a chicken sandwich
To take home for tea

But out on the street with nothing to eat
A man and his shopping cart go
Travelling to places
Collecting social graces
I gave him my sandwich
And we chatted for a while

I see a rainbow wash over his eyes
He gives me his halo and I start to fly

Don't try to hide away from me
I know you're by my side...

Everyday can be legendary
Every minute, an endless surprise
You could be the next angel in disguise.

- Corrinne May

i believe i have plenty of angels around me. =)

people who simply waltz into my life and leave me, knowing that i'd be all right.

how amazing it feels for people to believe in me this way.

but i'm not invincible, even though my alter-ego spells L-S-G.

just a random thought:

if love is all about making her happy and that includes leaving her alone if she wants you to...

then would you persevering and holding on to that smidgeon of possibility mean that you don't love her?

hmm.

i don't make sense, do i?

=)

SOMETHING ABOUT YOU

i'm still feeling weird.

i can't even describe how else i'm feeling.

just...oddness.

thanks for calling.

i suppose i needed that (on some subconscious level), in spite of my apprehension.

muchas gracias, mi amigo.

thank you, once again, for overcoming that inertia and making the call.

L.O.V.E

however i came up with this befuddles me. hmm.

LOVE...to me...

is like knowing she doesn't feel the way you do, but wanting to make her happy still.

you will want to do anything she wants you to, including leaving her alone.

if that will make her happy.

because LOVE is selfless. unconditional.

eeks.

I WRITE THE SONGS

over a lazy afternoon of taiwan's super sunday, i was reminded of this one guy who wrote me a song.

it's called "if i could just talk to you".

if i ever find that slip of paper, i'd post the lyrics right here =)

unfortunately, voltaire's (the person, not the philosopher) words are tucked somewhere in the mess of my pigsty of a room in the north.

voltaire is a filipino co-worker from my days at planet hollywood.

he kept to himself most of the time, till i started talking to him this one day.

from then on, he opened up to me, and on one evening, gave me a long letter with the lyrics and chords to that song.

i gave him back the song, but not before i jotted down those words.

he wrote of how he wished he could just gather up the courage to talk to me, and just leave his pride behind for a while.

oh well, the title says it all.

his sincerity was much appreciated, though not in a way he'd hope it'd be.

i think i was 17 then, and he, 30 or so.

even during my days at planet hollywood, i felt like a wallflower.

i could never click with the others like my then-buddy could.

then, when us quiet people kept silent, the rest would keep chattering and forget about those who were actually listening.

now, when i get a little too quiet during meetings, the bosses would get worried and do an "uh-oh...is there something wrong", giving me no chance to feel left out at all.

haha.

of course, i became more aware of myself as i grew older, so i wouldn't feel like a blend-in even if no one bothered to find out if i existed.

i've grown to the stage where people can easily relate to me, though i can't say it's a mutual thing.

and because they can relate to me, i've become some sorta bridge between people.

sometimes i wonder if wayne had such an impact on me that i've followed in his footsteps.

*wayne came along at one of the lowest points in my life, knocked some sense into me, and left. for good.

for several occasions in the past, i have brought people together, bonded them and then left them.

because my job would have been done.

not that it was literally "a job", but well...you know.

today, someone pointed out a significance of my role within a group.

i pondered over it for the rest of the afternoon, wondering if i'd do a "wayne" on them.

then i realized that probably wouldn't be the case because i'm so deeply integrated in this interest and group.

my personal relationships with the various characters in this team have given me such pleasure (stop that dirty thought this instant!) i'm hard-pressed to find an occasion when i should leave.

then again, unforeseen circumstances could pop up, and i might just HAVE TO leave.

but i believe when that time comes, someone would step up and assume that position of significance in a natural order.

no fuss.

no worries.

it'll just happen.

LITTLE SUPERHERO GIRL

finally...here's the reason for my alter-ego =)

I feel like a little girl
Trying to conquer the whole wide world
Everybody wants a piece of me
And I just don't know where to turn

I've got work piled up to my head
All I want to do is jump into bed
And wash away my troubles with lemonade
Play hide and seek with the boy next door
Take a trip to Singapore and
Imagine how I'll make the world a better place

All I need is a good disguise
One where nobody can recognize
That I'm feeling so small
All I need is a secret weapon
I've gotta have faith
Zapping monsters into outer space
I'm gonna be a Superhero

If I were a little girl
Trying to clean up the whole wide world
I'd kick the bad boys back to school
Teach them fighting's just not cool

I'd give every kid a teddy bear
Turn starving people into millionaires
Break glass ceilings with dynamite
Sprinkle a little sugar and spice
Turn the bullies that terrorize
Into pink poodles that bark
But don't bite

I feel like a little girl
Trying to conquer the whole wide world.

- Corrinne May

so far, only one person has GOTTEN IT...why i think this song represents.

if you feel me, know me...you'd get it too =)

i feel like a little girl...trying to conquer the whole wide world.

RED SUEDE SHOES

you know i'm into defying convention.

so just to prove to myself that "it ain't the red hot shoes", i wore my dance sneakers to salsa today.

i danced loads, for a thursday night...and all was well...BUT...

it just didn't feel right.

as philbie puts it, there was just "no magic".

perhaps it's not about the red hot shoes...it could just be the elevation they give me =)

whatever it is, it's so gonna be the red shoes this saturday.

HOPE SPRINGS

from a story largely untold.

the boulder of failure rolled off me the moment i saw the queue outside the istana snaking all the way to plaza singapura.

i had almost teared right there and then. on the bus.

the man who lies in the state room of the istana right now was our president. he was given an honorary doctorate late in life.

his highest education before that was his 'o' levels.

i admit i didn't know this snippet before CNA screened a tribute to him.

and i confess i was so bent on paying my last respects at the istana because of that unglamorous history of his.

I HAD WANTED TO THANK HIM FOR MAKING ME CRY.

(and i'm weeping as i type this because i didn't get to...)

you see, even in death, the guy gave me something.

the entire day, i kept hearing his voice in my head...urging me to "keep believing in yourself".

for if someone like him could make that much out of his life with an 'o' level certificate, then surely i could do the same. in my own way.

i must stop wallowing in my current predicament and move on.

when everything around you serves as a constant reminder to what you narrowly missed though, it's just plain hard.

and you try to attribute all that's happened to fate, thinking that it'll make you feel better. but really, it doesn't.

i had let myself down.

i had let myself down.

i had let myself down.

now, i gotta pick up the pieces.

thank you, once again, mr wee.

TRIBUTE TO MY PRESIDENT

good night, mr president, mr wee kim wee.

you've always had my heart.

you'd know that.

especially now.

GETTING OVER YOU

How can I start all over
Knowing we'll just be friends

And what will I do with my mornings
What will I do with my nights
You want answers that I can't give
You want words I don't know
Ask me when I'm through
Getting over you

- Janis Ian

thomas ong really opened the floodgates.

no, i didn't cry.

but seeing him unleashed a tirade of indescribable emotions.

before i go on though, i must stress that i DID NOT go out with thomas ong.

i went out with someone who looked a lot like him - cole.

i halted any chance i had with cole...purely because there was that nagging red light going off in my head.

a certain vibe i couldn't put my finger on made me stop us from going that step further.

i'm glad i followed my instincts, seeing what he's gone through since then and our present relationship, or lack of it.

but there's no denying we're still soulmates.

i'm guilty of having cole as a subconscious benchmark for intellectual conversation.

NO ONE has come close to our "speechless" evenings.

goes to show that the one who puts a stop to a burgeoning relationship doesn't necessarily have it easy.

the only thing i have yet to get over is, simply, how we came together so seamlessly.

but...that ship has sailed.

i'm just waving it into the horizon.

i'm glad the view from my room is of the water...its movement is keeping me sane at a time when i desperately need someone to just...hold me.

WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE

philbie said i leaked out a teeny little smile as i reminisced about him.

as i looked down from the upward escalator at takashimaya yesterday, i chanced upon a tall, slim built...with a slight stubble.

it was the ex-TCS actor, Thomas Ong.

i caught myself leaning over the edge to catch a better glimpse of him.

no, i'm not a fan of Thomas Ong.

it's just that...whenever i see him, or a picture of him on fashion magazines, i get chills and flashbacks...

of the man i had that special connection with.

sometimes, PERFECT just doesn't cut it.

i miss him.

i wish we could go back to when we had that "trenchcoat" revelation of a conversation.

i still smile when i think of him.

i guess some things are better left to memory. =)

goodbye cole.

i really did adore you.