100 YEARS

the boyfriend buzzed me online today and reminded me we first got together on the 28th two months back.

we proceeded to wish each other the best...haha.

while in emily's car (she was sending me back after class this evening), i told her of how we've been together for two months today and she goes "so how are you celebrating?"

i go "celebrate?"

and then i realize how many couples actually do celebrate this kinda thing.

first month, second month...until i don't know when.

i replied with how we "celebrated" our first month.

again, the boyfriend buzzed me online about how he realized we both forgot about our one-month anniversary the day before.

and then we proceeded to wish each other the best. =P

you see...i guess we're just not into counting.

we've been celebrating our love for each other every single day, and more so when we meet up so we can physically express our affection for each other.

so really...what's there left to celebrate on the 28th of each month? =)

more love than usual?

surely that can't be possible. =)

i'm sure we'll find a cause for celebration when we get the chance to.

and how my vocabulary just sucks in this post because i use that one word way too much.

we've only got a hundred years to live.

SOMEBODY LIKE YOU

had dinner with the boyfriend's family this evening, then went to one of his friends' place for a game of citadel.

i usually don't take to instructions very well and prefer to play a round to understand the new game.

and i always amaze myself with how i play the it.

for someone who hasn't played these games before, i think i add a pretty interesting perspective.

playing such games would also reflect one's personality.

anyways, it was a fun game and i'd love to play it again. =)

on a separate note, while sending me home post-citadel, the boyfriend's ex-classmate (in the backseat) asked a rhetorical "it's the least he can do right, sending you home?"

no.

it's no obligation.

whoever dictated a boyfriend code which stated chauffering the girlfriend around was a must?

the boyfriend is not my chauffer.

if he does go out of his way to give me a lift to anywhere, i know it is only because he wants to hold my hand for that 20-minute trip, send me up to my place and say hi to the folks.

and kiss me goodnight.

but no. no obligation to send me home or anywhere, ever.

same goes for doing things for/with each other.

we do them only because we really want to, and not because we think the other party will like it and so we do it to keep him/her happy.

we need to be happy doing it too.

i'm happy he is forward-looking and optimistic.

counters my morbidity and cynicism.

and here's a tune from today's random selection thrown out by the iPod...

There's a new wind blowing like I've never known
I'm breathing deeper then I've ever done
And it sure feels good to finally feel the way I do
I wanna love somebody, love somebody like you

And I'm letting go of all my lonely yesterdays
I've forgivin' myself for the mistakes I've made
Now there's just one thing, the only thing I wanna do
I wanna love somebody, love somebody like you

I wanna feel the sun shine, shining down on me and you
When you put your arms around me
you let me know there's nothing in this world I can't do

I used to run in circles going nowhere fast
I'd take one step forward and a two steps back
Couldn't walk a straight line, even if I wanted to
I wanna love somebody, love somebody like you.

COME TO MY WINDOW

i remember telling my mom once how happy i was that the boyfriend and i could spend time together with each other's family.

to which she asked if we would spend some time back at our home as well.

and i said "of course".

i haven't.

and i do feel guilty.

truth is that i spend quite a bit of time at his place...partially because there is more space and perhaps, more privacy.

the most likely reason is i just want to spend time with him, so i'll just try to go wherever he goes.

i do want to spend time at home, but i feel slightly awkward asking him to hang at my place.

like today...i had thought of heading home to pack so i wouldn't have to worry about hurriedly dumping clothes into the suitcase just before i leave for macau early saturday.

it took me a lot of pondering before i could even broach the subject of him coming over.

and even as he said yes, i withdrew for a while and asked myself if i should just leave him be with his free evening, and i just head home myself.

argh. i don't know.

guess those seemingly passing comments do stick enough to make me think twice about asking him to hang with me at my home.

i do love being with him at his place.

but i did believe the scenario to be my answer to mom's question.

now i don't know.

home.

i'm split. well, sorta.

RAIN

it's pouring this morning.

seems like the bucket up there was holding up pretty well yesterday to allow us all the comfort of finally walking the streets without worries of getting wet.

at least for a day.

early monday morning, the boyfriend and i exchanged gifts.

he had been eyeing cuff links for as long as we've been together and i love seeing him in his ET shirts.

(i call them the ET shirts because the cuffs are monogramed with his initials. =))

i hate having to settle for mediocrity...even when it came to cufflinks.

so while i couldn't find absolutely perfect ones, i guess the simplicity of the pair i got him came quite close.

he gave me a card, which had me tearing as i read it. and then he read it out to me.

"when i fell in love with you. then you fell in love with me. then we fell in love together."

i didn't quite get what that meant, until he read it out and slowed it down for me.

that's another thing i'm thankful for.

my mind works in bullet train-seconds so sometimes i just can't see micro enough.

and then he gave me a pair of somethings, which i've had on since that morning.

we spent the whole of yesterday together.

with friends, with family (and too much chocolate in the refridge).

the company made everything that much more perfect.

big fuzzy hugs to you guys who made it to CBTL for brunch on monday.

the word i can best use to describe the morning was 'colorful'. =)

colorful characters in a cosy setting.

colorful conversation.

colorful outfits.

colorful smiles.

all in all, a beautiful, laughter-filled, colorful morning.

thanks to our resident paparazzi photog for his shots (which should be in circulation once he actually gets some sleep).

thank you for the wonder and magic you've brought to my life.

the coming weekend and next will be yet another adventure, i'm sure.

MOM'S THE WORD

'twas out shopping with the matriach yesterday, and boy did i shop.

at the end of the trip, my stash included two tops and a pair of sports shoes (finally!).

i almost forgot how comfy sports shoes were.

i'm happy to have found the perfect pair of asics for me...and to top it all off, it was my mom's christmas gift to me!

met josee after for a chocolate-making session which ended up with me heading to upper club at chijmes with hands smelling of baileys-flavored schokolade.

the boyfriend had this wedding thing to do the whole day and was only able to accommodate a late night date with me post-wedding dinner.

so as i trotted down to the hilton, i stopped by CBTL to grab the usual, then strolled along the rest of the way watching the crowd of people and cars rush by.

i felt good. =)

a most productive day before my late night rendevous with the most loving man i've ever met.

we shall be heading over to my family's for an evening of good food and wine, and off to a party by his friends.

i hope he'll like his gift.

i know i love his.

it's enough to hold me through for christmas, new year(s) and birthdays.

no more tears girl.

MY BABY YOU

this is probably the umpteenth time i've used this song as theme to a blog.

it's funny how the random selection of songs on your ipod library seems to be able to pick out tunes to reflect exactly how you feel for the morning.

walking out of chinatown mrt station onto pagoda street, tracing the string of moss on the moist tiles of the stretch under the gentle pitter patter of drizzle.

marc anthony ballads are perfect for such weather.

especially this song he supposedly wrote for his daughter, and cried the first time he performed it on stage (thereafter vowing never to sing this song LIVE ever again).

while the boyfriend and i share many fundamentals, we still do have differing opinions on subjects.

and we talk about them, mostly online.

because when we physically meet up, we simply can't...talk.

we just melt into each other's arms, do the baby-language thing, and just love each other.

he is so real.

the only difference between him being with me and him being with his pals is that he whispers to me, and is very soft-spoken.

and he manages to sense my most vulnerable moments to step in and just hug me till i'm done being upset (mostly because i laugh till i can't cry no more).

so here's my song for the day for you, mi novio.

As I look into your eyes
I see all the reasons why
My life’s worth a thousand skies

You’re the simplest love I’ve known
And the purest one I’ll own
Know you’ll never be alone

My baby you
Are the reason I could fly
And cause of you
I don’t have to wonder why
Baby you
There’s no more just getting by
You’re the reason I feel so alive

Though these words I sing are true
They still fail to capture you
As mere words can only do

How do I explain that smile
And how it turns my world around
Keeping my feet on the ground

I will soothe you if you fall
I’l be right there if you call
You’re my greatest love of all

ALL I HAVE TO DO IS DREAM

after having been beaten down once too many times, i've become afraid to dream.

when once i could see my life 10 years from now, i now refuse to even look beyond the next month.

because the past has shown me how things could turn in a month...and my world came crashing down then.

in spite of my experiences, i have friends who want to see me soar.

they encourage me to keep dreaming.

and offer help of all sorts to aid in my dream-making.

so if i didn't do it for me, i did it for them.

for their time spent on the mess of me.

for their tears, hugs and handshakes.

for the occasional msn note of "i will always remember you singing 'you've got a friend' at camp".

and for nudging me forward into a budding relationship.

i have a lot to be thankful for.

my eulogy would read very differently now than it did when i first wrote it at 18.

because now, i have enough hope to keep me dreaming for a long time to come.

it's like a sling shot: you get pulled all the way down.

but from that, you gain enough momentum to propel yourself all the way to oblivion.

simon, waihwang, eric, shingling, weirong, daphne.

thank you for giving me the strength to dream.

ycsog.

thank you for not giving up on me.

elmie, ernie and cookie.

sis loves you.

come home soon, you guys.

I'VE GOT SUNSHINE

it's nice to be able to walk out onto the streets, knowing your shoes will stay dry this morning on your way to work.

and that you can stroll to your office without having to dodge puddles of mud on the flooded cracks in the pavement.

the sun always radiates with such positive energy.

and this is especially evident after three dreary days of rainpour.

so while i was set for the day and happy as a lark, he had to make it even better.

"dear, are you busy? do you want to do lunch?"

and because i usually can't do lunch with the usual lunch crowd, today seemed special...because i could.

so with the sun out, a bowlful of ramen settled in my tummy, and many little kisses from the boyfriend, i'm ready to face the rest of the day with ultimate gusto.

okay, now hurl. =p

DROPS OF JUPITER

i never saw myself as one who would be insecure about the guy i was with.

so the past few days i was dazed and confused about why i seemed like i am.

in the end, it dawned on me that i am not insecure about him.

i am insecure about myself.

i'm afraid...

i would end up crushing him with the weight of obligation.

he would compromise himself to make me happy.

i would hurt him most because he loves me so intensely.

and if i keep all this within myself, i'm afraid i would burst one day.

but it would be unfair to lay it all out on him.

just because i'm insecure about me.

Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken
Your best friend always sticking up for you
Even when I know you're wrong
Can you imagine no first dance, freeze dried romance
Five-hour phone conversation
The best soy latte that you ever had . . .
And me.

i shouldn't require you to reassure me.

i shouldn't wonder why you love me.

i shouldn't bother you with my rambling.

i shouldn't feel this way.

i shouldn't.

because then, it will never happen.

because i will not allow it to happen.

what a screw-up i am.

what a bloody screw-up.

i can't even see something good even if it comes and farts at me in the face.

TWO SLEEPY PEOPLE

at dawn's early light
and too much in love to say good night.

i used to think whatever bliss i get would be short-lived.

then while i'd enjoy it, i'd also be looking out for signs of it fading.

of course, we all know that i wouldn't REALLY be enjoying it then.

i think i'm still looking out for warning signs.

so what's new?

i've stopped fighting my emotions, for one.

it's a long road, getting past the hurt caused by the physical and mental manipulation of the past.

him loving me the way he does perpetuates the intense pain.

but unconditional love sure helps.

it purges me of all that anger i have buried deep down.

so as i basked in his love, i also sobbed in his arms.

sweet surrender.

even with my eyes all puffy and red, he looks at me softly, pushes my hair back and tells me i'm beautiful.

he tells me he wants to care for me for always, if only i'd let him.

and he writes that i am amazing and strong.

it wasn't love at first sight, or second, or third.

it is love that blossomed over four changing seasons, and respect that arose out of each other's prose.

and with every other tear that is shed tonight and for many other nights to come, my love for him will grow.

if this goes on, i think my tricuspid valve will give way in a few moments.

two sleepy people
with nothing to say
and too much in love to break away.

WHAT A DIFFERENCE A DAY MAKES

i started out the day with the boyfriend at breakfast and a copy of the straits times.

i ended it with an xbox 360, aching calves and hamstring and bad cramps.

it's a long story, but the boyfriend and i raced a whole lot today and contended with THE female emergency.

all's well now but the cramps ain't going nowhere.

the boyfriend's amazing. =)

and i just can't say it enough.

I'M ALL SHOOK UP

it's been said that a good bachata happens when the couple have a connection with each other.

often, this means they'll fall into silence, hug each other and enjoy the dance.

i closed my eyes dancing tonight's solo bachata tune with him.

we whispered to each other some baby language and he muttered something which made me laugh out loud.

while i was trying to keep my eyes shut and feel all taken by the dance and him, there he was with his hip thrusts and little weird quips.

i couldn't help but just pop my eyes open, laugh again and just look at him.

adoringly. =)

it wasn't the connection i had in mind, but i'm cool with this. =)

HER WORLD

it felt weird signing up for it.

but i did.

or we did. =)

i could not ask for more.

i feel in my heart
the start of something new.

IN THIS LIFE

how green radiates with brown under orange lamp lights.

and i could only think of him.

and of us, dancing amidst the spots of gold and moonlight.

just hold me and sway into daybreak, will you?

i'm supposed to be on a break this week, with three days taken up by a trip to KL with the aunt and a crowd from the singapore teachers' union.

it was a good, if not semi-boring trip.

peppered with smses and short, sweet phone conversations.

he calls to say he loves me. =)

i found it extremely amusing...after all, i was going to be home on wednesday night.

but i wasn't any different, shooting him countless messages of little notes only we two could understand.

one person who was giggling throughout the whole trip was my aunt, who was by my side when he called, and when i smsed.

"the two of you are so cute," says she.

i appreciate how he makes the effort to know this part of me...in scouts, work and salsa.

and i'm ashamed at how i seem to know so little about him.

we often find ourselves asking each other if we're usurping each other's time, pulling each other away from activities we'd be doing if not for either of us.

sure doesn't seem like that right now.

our relationship isn't over-the-top, cry-out-loud romantic, but it is enough. =)

between us who can't really surprise each other because we're so fundamentally similar, we have a lot of fun trying to.

and it's these little things that make him a keeper.

he gives the cynic in me hope.

i'm glad we started on this prologue together.

if it all falls apart
i will know deep in my heart
the only thing that mattered had come true
in this life, i was loved by you

just need to lie down.

where are you?

i felt the urge to look up this post...and be humbled by it.
*****
Tuesday, July 05, 2005

IF I KISSED YOU

and if i kissed you
would you lose track of time
would you feel the surge of happiness
running up your spine
would you run naked in the street
with a tattoo of my name on your behind

if i kissed you.

- corrinne may.

this song hasn't stopped being on replay since i got hold of her album.

this, and "save me" are two songs i absolutely have to listen to on a long bus ride home.

picture this:

you board the bus.

as you walk to a vacant seat, you sight this girl mouthing something, and looking blissfully at the passing scenary.

you sit down and keep observing this girl.

you catch her tapping her feet, accenting her rhythm at several points and moving her fingers like she's playing an imaginary keyboard.

as she stops running her fingers across her bag, she smiles...and glances at her ring.

she fingers her ring.

and smiles again.

that girl is me.

i look like i'm blissfully unaware of the grey shade enveloping my surroundings.

i look like i'm happily engaged or married.

i look like i'm...well, happy.

and i am, happy. at least for the duration of songs like the two abovementioned.

the ring is a deliberate effort to keep men at bay.

though sometimes, i feel the ring perpetuates my singlehood.

such is the irony of my reality; your pseudo-reality.

as the melody of the songs die down, the shade of grey seems to creep closer...and i find myself reaching out, trying to grab on to any song that'll take my hand.

i scroll clumsily through my playlists, finding that one extra number that'll keep me up five minutes longer.

and when i can't get my fix, i'd fall into withdrawal.

in some odd way, i feel like a hardcore addict for my faith.

though you can't blame me, can you?

it's the only thing that's been constant in my life, from my days as a wallflower till my present.

MUSIC IS MY RELIGION.

i sing for you and only you
wherever i go i find you
you're in the sound of every hello
in everything i do

you're the song i was destined to know
and i'll only sing for you.

- daniel letterle, i sing for you

he is my lover...one whom i'm never afraid to call MY LIFE.

my pride was never an issue in this relationship, because i've always been at the receiving end.

he's taught me how to love, and in the absence of giving, to embrace the love one might give.

there was a time another came close to rivaling my love - salsa - and i was in turmoil for a while.

how could i love another?

but he was kind, and told me to go.

and i realized that love need not be spread between the two, but that it could be multiplied.

so they compromised and co-exist in my life now.

but THIS part of me will belong to him, and him only.

I WANT TO SING.
*****
can you get me?

IF YOU DIDN'T LOVE ME

it isn't that he does sweeter things for me as we go along.

he has always been sweet.

but he just seems that little more tender and attentive at times like today.

i was mentally drained at work, with no colleague and the boss out of town.

he had offered to hang with me till my class started at half past eight.

being tired and pensive is a bad combination...it sorta equates to simply being bimbotic.

and he just sat by me, holding my hand and glancing at me from time to time.

i have to thank him for these little details.

we seem to complement each other - being encouraging when the other party is feeling down by hand-holding, hugs and little kisses.

and when you're tired and feeling low, you can always count on the other person to zip right by on his/her stallion and sweep you right off your feet.

just like he did for me today...despite being tired himself.

love is...

looking forward to something that's not there.

THE LADY IS A TRAMP

won't dish the dirt with the rest of the girls
that's why the lady is a tramp.

considering how i've grown up till now, i recently realized i've been REALLY pampered.

i sleep in air-conditioning.

yes, i'm one of those frou-frou prissies who love the coolness of the room and coiling under a warm comforter.

only then would i have a good night's sleep...usually.

i've tried leaving the windows open (not that i'd do that now in the wake of recent events through) and using the fan.

but i guess the windows are too warm and option and the fan too direct.

all in all, and perhaps it's just psychological, i reckon the best circulation and comfort derives from my air-conditioning.

heck, i can even sleep if the cooling unit starts screeching.

so it's been a rather interesting experience...the past couple of weekends.

our differences in sleeping habits.

that aside, i had a wonderful weekend.

in fact, any weekend filled with that much love is amazing.

we didn't spend the entire weekend together but knowing the love exists is truly uplifting.

you hop out of bed at the first sight of light so you can watch him sleep.

lion dance training ends way too soon because it breezes by, even if you trained with a 5kg weight of a lion head.

we sent his parents off at the airport before heading down to vivocity for some christmas shopping and a movie.

circled the crowded basement carpark for a spot for some time (a wonder he was so patient).

the details of activity within the day and the night before would all whizz by if you could only be in my shoes.

i'm looking forward to a very special christmas, and a very happy new year. =)

one thing stuck today though...

when he sent me home for a change of clothing before heading for lion dance practice, he came upstairs and said hi to my grandaunt.

after i came home from practice, she said something to the effect of...

"eh he looks very decent, don't bully him okay."

and i'm like...where'd that come from?!

something to think about, eh? =P

AT THE BEGINNING

life is a road, now and forever
wonderful journey.

i am the one constant in my company.

i've seen two colleagues come and go (the most recent one left yesterday), seen a director fade into the background, and my mentor becoming my true boss.

i am the one constant because i've been with mark since our inception and created what we were then together with him and angus.

the latest departure left me in shock, still recovering.

the boss decided not to renew her contract.

i'll be discussing mine with him next week.

this whole thing feels weird.

and we're rewound to the beginning again, 'cept that this time, we've got experience and deals in our backpacks to push us along.

new beginnings for mark, curtis and me.

and in other aspects of my life.