The Edge

so here i am, with my copy of the edge and my computer screen filled with notes for my global markets outlook for tomorrow morning.

actually, i'm sitting in a sea of applications, prospectus and other stacks of god-knows what. yes, i'm sitting on my bed.

i'm sick at the thought of not living up to my promise as a scout leader. i haven't been going about sundays with my boys the way i've wanted to. i've become quite the bitch...often because i'm in a foul mood.

i shall attribute the mood to the lack of sleep.

just last night, a couple of leaders started calling me PANDA...and i really don't blame them, because it's true! my dark circles have become so evident that even copious amounts of concealer won't be able to contain them.

frankly, i don't know what's been keeping me up every night. it's not like i have so much work to do that i can't even afford to sleep. eversince ashley came on board, my work load has been loads lighter. but me being me, i'd take the world's burdens on my shoulders if i could.

i'd like to apologize to everyone for being snappy at times. i just hate last-minute surprises...they throw me totally off schedule.

our scout group's celebrating our 50th anniversary this year, and the big day is just two weeks from now. i just can't wait for it to be over, really.

i mean...it's been a fun journey. but now that everyone's getting restless, and i'm getting increasingly stressed out by something else (no, not work), i just want time to concentrate on relieving my stress. and that means less focus on scouts for a while.

sometimes, i wish my scouts would be a little more sensitive. there're some nonsense that i simply can't stand...and i realize the lot of them have become increasingly annoying.

the nice ones have become little twits...but some have ducked out from under the radar to shine through. and those are the ones i'm truly proud of...and the ones i have to apologize to for being so cranky at times.

i've placed too many expectations on the group under me. i'm perpetuating the very thing i've been going against all my life - to live up to no one's expectations but my very own.

my only hope now is that i've helped them gain some direction, and that they can find their own way from now.

you know...if only they could show me that they can take care of themselves...i wouldn't be so upset and hesitant.

but i shouldn't complain. they're 13. sure, they're wise beyond their years but still...they worry only about what other 13-year-olds would.

i just wish...that going away wouldn't be so difficult.

even if it's a whole year away.

I Got A Crush On You

is it so taboo to exclaim your crush on a certain someone?

well, it shouldn't be.

crushes are meant to be fun and healthy. most relationships of any kind kick off as crushes.

just friday, ashley (while in a van of a few analysts and PR people) said out loud "don't you think adrian is cute?"

okay, so adrian is this analyst we met at a site visit (who, of course, didn't get on the van with us).

i think it was his voice and his accent that got to her...cuz, strip off those two factors, he's just pretty ordinary. of course, that's just my opinion.

anyways, almost everyone in the van looked totally shocked that ashley would say such a thing out loud.

i could only laugh because i knew that was gonna come out sooner or later.

but seriously, i love ashley to bits. she's an amazing person to hang out with. and we could learn a lot from each other.

i often told myself that, if i were to find a guy cute, i'd go up to him and tell him that to his face. well, that'll only happen if i know i ain't gonna see him again...haha.

i want to have the guts to do something like that. and i'm sure ashley does as well.

however different we may seem to be, we are, in fact, very similar.

i'm not gonna spill our similarities, but if you know me and my insecurities, you'd probably know a little about ashley as well.

sigh.

i have a crush on someone. but trust me, it's just a slight crush...but nevertheless, a crush.

it's been a long time and the feeling is rather alien.

and uncomfortable.

hmm...this sucks.

When I Fall In Love

how do you know when you're in love?

do you get extremely intense feelings or fiery flames of passion?

or do you just feel calm and at peace with yourself?

either way, i don't suppose i have ever been in love.

but if love were defined by such feelings, i wonder if i have the capacity to experience pure and intense love.

my invisi-shield is still apparant.

and no matter how much i've changed, i've yet to morph outta that independence mode. but given my plans for the near to distant future, the shield should come in handy.

since my school days, acquaintances and friends alike have been telling me to "let others take care" of me.

how could i?

sure...my physical and material needs are aided by my family, but emotionally, no one's even come close to understanding.

the person who came closest to breaking through that shield was cole. yes...the "legendary coleman", as jas puts it.

i believe we're still soulmates and we'd still be able to complete each other's sentences...but we live in different planes now. he needs to find his way, and i need to find mine.

i'm en route.

things are finally turning around.

i love you all...

and if you love me, you will let me go.

Fly Away

so you know what that song means to me.

when i first heard it, i already got a mental music video going...starring me.

you know, i can't reveal more till everything's in the clear.

till then, go check this out:

phonecast.blogspot.com

bookmark it, visit it, and leave some comments ;)

we'd love to hear from you.

i guess what i really meant in my previous entry is this:

it's simple to blame everyone else in the world for what you can't do.

but now that you can do those things, it'll take courage to finally accept that it's happening.

i'm scared shitless...and kinda lost, even though i know this is what i wanted for eight long years.

but i'm gonna "just nike it".

"Courage is not the absence of fear. It is conquering your fear."

- Rudy Guliani

My So-Called Life

you know when limits keep you from achieving your personal ambitions?

you know when those limits are your parents?

i've just had THAT conversation with mine...and trust me, it was an emotional experience.

there are times when i felt that my parents were getting a little accusatory, and i got defensive.

when i got a little agitated, i stopped and took a long, deep breath. then went on.

i figure that they realize how different i am from my peers...or even people older than me.

but it is that very difference they're afraid of.

they're worried that because i'm so unlike the rest of the family, i may just get TOO unconventional.

but, by the end of the talk, i got my message across with great conviction, and they were convinced.

we've come a long way, my parents and i.

they know my pain...and i, their worries.

they worry that someday, i'll find my own way about and leave them.

i guess that's what all parents fear.

in any case, i've put their minds to rest and they've given me the green light.

it's now just a matter of time before i formally announce my plans.

for now though, they're just plans.

so please, keep my confidence and let me do the talking.

i want you to hear it from me, and not from anyone else.

What's In A Name?

i have a pretty cool chinese name - shiyin.

let me explain what it means...

shi - poem

yin - music

you'd think that with a name like this, people would remember me.

trouble is: most people don't even know my chinese name.

it wasn't till i started doing the chinese service for phonecast that i managed to get the name out there.

even if i don't say anything, whenever people pick up my name card (like today), they'd naturally comment on my unique and/or musical name.

i love my name. but i didn't always like it.

from the day i knew what my name meant till i was about 18 or so, i thought my name didn't reflect my personality. i suppose neither did my english one.

then, a couple of years later, as i mellowed down, i realized that i sorta grew into my name. though i'm still not so sure about being "poetic".

i totally agree that i'm gifted in music. i have never been formally trained, but i pick up instruments pretty quickly. it's helped in my dancing and singing as well. i never had a problem with beats.

the person who commented on my name this morning is the national rover commissioner and an extremely nice and humble doctor. he had rushed down from the hospital for the baden powell award ceremony. he's nice, and i hope to see more of him in future events. (i know what you're thinking...he's not my kinda guy.)

so i hosted the baden powell awards and frank cooper sands awards today.

i kinda felt like a debutant at a ball.

as people streamed into the hall, i felt like i was being judged by all of them. their eyes scrutinized me from head to toe.

i knew what they were all thinking.

"who's this girl? we haven't seen her before. is she any good? why couldn't they just stick to the old MC?"

those vibes just stuck out. and i'm not being overly-sensitive.

the event went smoothly, and the people were converted. the VIPs were impressed and the attendees can probably recognize me by my smile anywhere now =)

i guess it's just me to want to prove people wrong...or am i simply fulfilling my star profile?

perhaps it's the latter.

i still remember writing that i'm the "reluctant star".

it's like...i may not be comfortable with being in the limelight, but because it comes naturally to me, i am able to handle it.

am i really destined to be a star?

if i am, then what kinda star would i be?

sigh.

so much to write...so little energy.

tomorrow's the only night i shall be home.

tomorrow i shall write.

please don't anything pop up to disturb my first rest evening in the entire week.

Well I Love A Rainy Night

the song by eddie rabbit popped into mind as we were driving home from the airport this morning.

it was almost 4am, the roads were empty, and lightning flashes from above once every ten seconds.

we had gotten mom from the airport at a little later than three because her flight from Narita was majorly delayed. i mean, she was supposed to have landed at 12am!

now what really got me thinking was the lightning.

so what was so special about the lightning this morning?

while most of you were sleeping, i caught the rare occurrance of thick bolts of sheer energy...without the thunder.

and you may find it odd of me to say this, but i found it rather scary.

i'm accustomed to hearing thunder after chancing lightning...and if something that you always thought of as a continuing act of nature doesn't happen, it freaks the hell outta you.

especially with such huge bolts lightning, you'd expect some major vibration on your car seat window panel.

NONE. ZILCH. NADA.

three-quarters of the way home and still no thunder and rain.

i panicked.

then slowly, i hear progressing patter-rhythms.

boy was i relieved.

anyways, i have a theory about all this, but i'm way too smashed to type anymore. i'm heading back to bed for a couple of hours before heading downtown for an interview.

good night world.

and stay tuned...=)

when you're outta sorts, nothing can yank you back up.

not even dancing.

all of my partners today could tell that i wasn't myself. some asked if i was tired, or had a CEO bully me...and worse still, it showed in my dancing!

i couldn't follow as well as i did the last week, and i even missED out simple cues! this is dumb.

i feel horrible.

i shouldn't have gone to the airport...and gotten interrogated about my trip...and being labeled "selfish" when i said i didn't get what i wanted out of the trip.

fuck. if i were really that selfish, i would've demanded they bring me to the places i wanted to go.

sure, punish me for keeping my mouth shut and being sensitive to the needs of my mom and aunt.

I AM MAJORLY DISAPPOINTED AND PISSED.

The Long And Winding Road

which would you prefer: chicken rice or shepard's pie?

i guess it really boils down to what about chicken rice you like. do you like the flavor of the rice? the taste of the chicken? the condiments that go along with it?

or do you just like chicken?

what do you like about shepard's pie then? is it the myriad of ingredients that make it so irresistable? or does the copious amount of carbohydrates in the form of potatoes make your mouth water?

or do you just like chicken?

i suppose we can liken ourselves to the chicken rice, shepard's pies, and other what-nots.

we're all as different as can be.

but if we can all find the chicken within ourselves, the world would be a much better place.

we'd be able to understand each other better...maybe we wouldn't even need to speak to communicate then.

what would the world be like without words?

hmm...taking into account that i do talk too much at times, i suggest you go find the duck within yourself instead.

And Then She Smiled.

all tired and stressed out after an evening of information overload.

when you're in a room of industry experts, it's natural for you to feel small...but i'm glad i held myself up well. and because i did so, the people from AREIT actually approached me to offer their assistance in helping me understand real estate investment trusts. hmm...i may just take up their offer.

other than trying to decipher the sheets of figures and jargon, i'd say last night was rather relaxing. sure, i had shit loads to do, but the pace felt leisurely.

days pass and i'm beginning to trust in my instincts more.

just two nights ago, i felt extremely confused and ruffled. now, i'm sure that with my abilities, i'd be able to reconcile my interests some.

i will have to make sacrifices and some of the people i love will feel betrayed.

but i pray that you'll understand my decision...i've been waiting for this, most of my young life.

this is just another one of those challenges serene has to take...it's, again, one of those sink-or-swim kinda things she subjects herself to.

don't worry, i haven't made a decision.

and don't worry about me. =)
i broke into a smile while on the bus yesterday. i looked goofy. but it was genuine.

this dawned on me while making milo a few minutes ago:

i need to go far far away.

so if i ever get scared and want to scurry into my little corner, i can't.

i'd be compelled to build a corner somewhere else, where i am.

i can only go when i'm ready.

and i will be ready.

but when i am, will you be ready to let me go?

i got my answer.

it wasn't exactly what i wanted to hear, but at least i have some direction now.

and i made my intentions known.

everything is out in the open with my father.

and i'm relieved.

i've discovered something rather unsettling about me through my discussions with ashley.

let's just say if you're a guy cradling your baby, you've got my attention.

this is way too odd.

perhaps hanging around with my kids has changed my attitude towards family.

and relationships.

NOT.

i'm still the person singaporean men would find to be too outspoken, liberal and feisty.

and i'm still the person caucasian men find to be less exotic and asian.

so yes, i'm stuck in the middle...haha.

nobody likes me, everybody hates me, i'm gonna eat some worms.

it's THE year.

and according to previous promises, it should be fine if i were to broach the subject again.

but i'm afraid of the response i may get.

i'm afraid i may not be able to take it this time around.

i've never wanted anything else so much...and for so long.

please...please don't disappoint me.

"Can You Give Me A Summary Of The Main Events?"

when someone hasn't kept up with your blog for a while, and asks you to summarize what you've been up to since the last time he checked, could you?

it's like the time when someone, whom i haven't met for a year, asked me what i've been doing for the past year...and expected me to give a 10- to 20-minute summary.

if i could compact my year into 10 minutes, i would. but i can't. and i refuse to. because my life isn't worth 10 minutes of your time...or 20...or 30 even.

please slap me if i ever relent to such a summary.

my life is an adventure. my days are different. daily events aren't mundane. and work is a joy.

i am living, not simply existing.

i'm savoring the beauty of sin, mediocrity and morbidity.

i am INSATIABLE...always searching for a new high. day after day after day.

my life, as i now understand it, is no longer a FARCE.

and LOVE shall be my guiding LIGHT...as i take my boys, my friends, my acquaintances and me to the next level.

MUSIC IS MY RELIGION.

"You've Got The Gift"

when a buncha old fogeys tell you that you've got the gift, they really mean it.

i jammed with a whole buncha old folks tonight...man...i'm pretty sure they could've done the funky chicken all night long.

so these are the songs i'll be doing with them:

1) Imagine

2) Desperado (YAY!!!)

3) I Will Survive

4) You've Got A Friend

5) Separate Lives (the one that's playing on my blog right now)

while the rest went to the loo, DP, Andrew and I tried out Now and Forever and If I Ain't Got You...and i realized i could do both songs as well.

the latter is a very interesting song to sing. some people would apply vocal gymnastics to it, but pure and simple sounds good enough ;)

singing I Will Survive is definitely a step outta the box. it's so unlike the ballads that i usually do.

and i surprised the guys by just spouting out the lyrics of all those old-time beatles and elvis numbers...haha.

seriously, van morrison should be fun as well...remember Brown-Eyed Girl?

note to self: learn how to play If I Ain't Got You.

i got home past one am...because i just had to have coffee with the guys. and they drove me home.

they're schweet.

Jodie's World

oh how i'd love to be in jodie's world tonight.

gazing out at everyone at the corner of her almond-shaped eyes.

blinking, blinking, blinking.

she got me at hello.

the relatives told me jodie looks like me when i was little.

they called me "the baby with the perpetual frown".

she's gorgeous.

when i held her in my arms, i almost teared as she snuggled up to me.

i felt heavy as i finished the unbearable lightness of being.

it's startling how everything you do can have conflicting implications...how every seemingly good thing has a bad flipside.

i'm almost afraid to start on my next book - Sophie's World.

i fear i'm not ready to take on theology and philosophy all at one go.

but i'll try. and if i get too fucked up, i'll stop.

and read more theology ;)

my legs are aching and i'm tired, but i still want to dance.

spin me baby.

What A Difference A Day Makes

did i ever tell you friday's my favorite day of the week?

i'm wishing every friday night would be as intense as last night.

yes, i'm talking salsa. it was my first night at intermediate level and i was SO late. but all was cool...the new steps weren't too tough. the coolness came after class...

fiesta, i started dancing with this guy melvin...tall dude. when he spun, i'd have to tip-toe and extend my arm so i don't hit his head.

so one song ends, and we part. in comes another one of my classmates and he asks me to dance. now this guy is a fantastic dancer and he spins the hell outta me. it was the most fun i've had during salsa.

that song's done. then another guy comes up...then another...and another.

man...i danced SIX songs in a row! i was sweating like a hog and still people came up to ask me to dance!

there was this one guy who was an extremely advanced dancer, and he pulled me onto the dance floor and started spinning me everywhere! through the spins, i kept yelling that i can't keep up...when, in fact, i could! i could because he was such a good lead and i just followed it.

you see...even if you ain't a dancer, when you've got a good lead, you'll be able to follow.

after six songs, i was bummed. as much as i had wanted to stay on, i had to go home to hyflux ;)

K tells me that every last friday of the month, fiesta will be at union square instead. 18 bucks, 2 drinks...and you can dance the night away.

frankly, i'm too scared to go into a club to dance. i'm too amateurish to join that crowd.

i'm really just too chicken to go alone.

would someone like to go with me?

(yes it's a question, and i'd like an answer...;)

i chanced upon this song, re-did by hootie and the blowfish.

a song from my past.

a song i love with every beat of my heart.

I Hope That I Don't Fall In Love With You

Well I hope that I don't fall in love with you
'Cause falling in love just makes me blue,
Well the music plays and you display your heart for me to see,
I had a beer and now I hear you calling out for me
And I hope that I don't fall in love with you.

Well the room is crowded, people everywhere
And I wonder, should I offer you a chair?
Well if you sit down with this old clown, take that frown and break it,
Before the evening's gone away, I think that we could make it,
And I hope that I don't fall in love with you.

Well the night does funny things inside a man
These old tom-cat feelings you don't understand,
Well I turn around to look at you, you light a cigarette,
I wish I had the guts to bum one, but we've never met,
And I hope that I don't fall in love with you.

I can see that you are lonesome just like me, and it being late,
You'd like some some company,
Well I turn around to look at you, and you look back at me,
The guy you're with has up and split, the chair next to you's free,
And I hope that you don't fall in love with me.

Now it's closing time, the music's fading out
Last call for drinks, I'll have another stout.
Well I turn around to look at you, you're nowhere to be found,
I search the place for your lost face, guess I'll have another round
And I think that I just fell in love with you.

tell me why i love you so.

"The Prettiest Girl In The Roadshow"

i believe that comment was made, tongue firmly in cheek.

but it was, indeed, said.

and i was embarrassed.

it isn't everyday that you interview a head of a company, and his PR guy says something like that out loud.

sure it was a compliment, but what a cringe-worthy one it was.

and ashley had this huge grin on her face!

anyways...

DP called last night and asked if i would like to jam with his band monday night at changi airport.

the moment he said i can do desperado, i was won over ;)

plus i can do all the oldies that i so love because their audience is made up of people over 40. they've got three band members over 50 as well...

tag me on what songs you think i should do ;)

and oh, they do blues as well.

the american idol showcase was fine.

i had hoped for it to be on a much larger stage with screens flanking it, but it's all right.

one of the idols impressed the hell outta me because she's improved so much since the last season of american idol.

jasmine trias has become a fantastic performer. she'd totally sucked during the competition, but she's become a polished act.

and i respect her because she's obviously worked hard to get where is now.

that's how i'm gonna learn. push myself to perform as much as i can till i make progress.

by perform, i mean...sing.

there're songs i so love but never had the guts to sing because i'm so used to doing ballads.

from today, i'm stepping outta the box. for reals. which reminds me...

this song's touched me from the first time i heard it on sister act 2.

i remember wanting to sing it...perform it, but never got a chance to.

i heard it last night at the showcase. and i was brought back in time.

Why should I feel discouraged
Why should the shadows come
Why should my heart fell lonely
And long for heaven and home

When Jesus is my portion
A constant friend is he
His eye is on the sparrow
And I know he watches over me
His eye is on the sparrow
And I know he watches me

I sing because I'm happy
I sing because I'm free
His eye is on the sparrow

And I know he watches
He watches me
His eye is on the sparrow
And I know he watches
I know he watches
I know he watches me

- His Eye Is On The Sparrow, Lauryn Hill

i sing, because i'm happy.

and i sing, because i'm free.

i suppose it's my doing that people have started blogging most frequently...;)

just caught up with elm's blog (which has, incidentally, been abandoned for months).

chatting with sis that day while she's over at nyc seems pretty like a catching-up-with-each-other-life's chat, for we really had not been keeping in contact for the past few weeks.....
i had been busy with volleyball and studies... while she, with work, scoutings and dancing...

sis, a strong figure who stepped into my life, unknowingly just taught me new things and make me see a fuller picture on a stronger girl in life...
there seem to be endless things to learn from her... her confidence, her will-power to take up new challenages, her couarge to face the world despite.........

the long chat we had at the staircase way?
Trust me, i'll never forget....

simple sentences she said, that knocked me awake?
It will stay in me forever to keep myself reminded of being a girl i wanna be....

all righty...if ya'll must know, elm's my home girl.

'twas nice seeing her smile again last night...finally, after like, 3 months. it did seem like we parted for a lot longer than that.

i'm glad i played a little part in your life.

i feel light.

Beauty in the European sense has always had a premeditated quality to it. We've always had an aesthetic intention and a long-range plan. That's what enabled Western man to spend decades building a Gothic cathedral or a Renaissance piazza. The beauty of New York rests on a completely different base. It's unintentional. It arose independent of human design, like a stalagmitic cavern. Forms which are in themselves quite ugly turn up fortuitously, without design, in such incredible surroundings that they sparkle with a sudden wondrous poetry.

the word "fortuitous" keeps popping up in unbearable likeness.

it certainly is fortuitous for me to have read the above paragraph on my way back from LAX.

yes...i wasn't leaving JFK, but it still meant something.

NYC always presents me with a sign...telling me that that ain't gonna be the last time we meet.

we're like lovers. we're faithful to each other. and i know he'll always be around for me to run back to.

NYC is a city. and while many look upon it as simply a jungle with concrete that goes way too high up, i chose to see it as exactly what the paragraph above described it to be.

and i was only 16. imagine that.

i need to go back. i need to go home.

"You Could Be A Model, You Know"

i was too bummed by the time i got home late friday night aka early saturday morning.

and, as i expected, the lone journey back to singapore presented a few revelations.

as i typed the above sentence, i had wanted to, through reflex, type "the lone journey back home". then i realized that while i am back to the place i left, my heart's still in manhattan. and i figure it'll be there for a much longer period, this time around.

the journey back was shorter than expected. the flight time from LAX to NRT was just over 10 hours, and from NRT to SIN, a mere 7 hours.

frankly, i was disappointed at the short flight time. and it really hit me as we took off from NRT.

as the plane arced upwards, i felt myself yanked to two polarities:

1) YES! TAKE ME BACK! LET THE REAL HOLIDAY BEGIN!

2) NO NO NO! LET'S JUST STAY WHERE WE ARE SO I CAN BE ALONE...

solitude is what i yearn for now.

unfortunately, there're just too many things to be done.

work...scouts...and unfulfilled expectations.

even now...as i'm about to leave home for dragon dance...

i'm tearing. and i don't even have the time to finish crying.

those who saw me yesterday knew that things weren't right with me.

even as mark (who doesn't read my blog) asked how my trip was, he had a tinge of skepticism in his voice.

i'd really rather people NOT ask me about my trip.

just take it like i've disappeared for two weeks. i wasn't on holiday.

just let me get over it on my own.

i experienced a collision of lightness and weight, coming back from NRT.

my chat with the flight attendant in my zone was relaxing and light.

relating our flying experiences to each other was therapeutic. i actually felt like i was on holiday then...even if for a moment.

and the weight?

that came from figuring out how to respond to people who ask me about the trip.

i'm still feeling the weight.

*in case you were wondering, the statement at the beginning of this entry was made by the flight attendant i spoke to.