The Edge

so here i am, with my copy of the edge and my computer screen filled with notes for my global markets outlook for tomorrow morning.

actually, i'm sitting in a sea of applications, prospectus and other stacks of god-knows what. yes, i'm sitting on my bed.

i'm sick at the thought of not living up to my promise as a scout leader. i haven't been going about sundays with my boys the way i've wanted to. i've become quite the bitch...often because i'm in a foul mood.

i shall attribute the mood to the lack of sleep.

just last night, a couple of leaders started calling me PANDA...and i really don't blame them, because it's true! my dark circles have become so evident that even copious amounts of concealer won't be able to contain them.

frankly, i don't know what's been keeping me up every night. it's not like i have so much work to do that i can't even afford to sleep. eversince ashley came on board, my work load has been loads lighter. but me being me, i'd take the world's burdens on my shoulders if i could.

i'd like to apologize to everyone for being snappy at times. i just hate last-minute surprises...they throw me totally off schedule.

our scout group's celebrating our 50th anniversary this year, and the big day is just two weeks from now. i just can't wait for it to be over, really.

i mean...it's been a fun journey. but now that everyone's getting restless, and i'm getting increasingly stressed out by something else (no, not work), i just want time to concentrate on relieving my stress. and that means less focus on scouts for a while.

sometimes, i wish my scouts would be a little more sensitive. there're some nonsense that i simply can't stand...and i realize the lot of them have become increasingly annoying.

the nice ones have become little twits...but some have ducked out from under the radar to shine through. and those are the ones i'm truly proud of...and the ones i have to apologize to for being so cranky at times.

i've placed too many expectations on the group under me. i'm perpetuating the very thing i've been going against all my life - to live up to no one's expectations but my very own.

my only hope now is that i've helped them gain some direction, and that they can find their own way from now.

you know...if only they could show me that they can take care of themselves...i wouldn't be so upset and hesitant.

but i shouldn't complain. they're 13. sure, they're wise beyond their years but still...they worry only about what other 13-year-olds would.

i just wish...that going away wouldn't be so difficult.

even if it's a whole year away.