perhaps i really am in no position to give advice.

with all that i've been through, i still can't claim to know how some people feel...especially when it comes to relationships.

things i deem trivial...i haven't gone through. so how can i think they're inconsequential?

i hate for people to judge me, yet my subconscious is constantly sizing you up.

i'm such a hypocrite.

i guess we all are, to some extent.

for someone as headstrong and determined as i am, failure is not an option.

but to make sure things do not go awry and appear hunky dory on the outside, many parts of me take beatings (and i mean things like my ego).

and i cry. god knows how much i cry.

i've tried to live up to no one's expectations but my own.

but why do i still feel oppressed in this humdrum of a life i've got?

eng hai called me superwoman today.

how about that.

crapness.

i really wish people would stop pushing me around.

it's just really disorientating to have someone come into the room when you've just set up your computer, and say you've gotta vacate the room in ten.

what am i?

couldn't you at least give me some notice in advance?

then i had to pack everything up and move next door...where i had to just sit and wait for the analyst to return so i could interview him.

and guess what? when he did return, he was on the phone for a good five plus minutes.

so essentially, i've wasted a whole hour, hurrying people and waiting on my ass.

you know...i'd rather freak the interview and rush home to edit it in peace.

perhaps that should be the way.

so you wouldn't have to treat me like a table on wheels and i wouldn't need to get offended.

thank you for understanding.

thank you for being there when i needed you most.

it was amazing while it lasted.

you were my rock, my baby...

i just hope what i'm doing can keep the tears from falling the way they have.

thank you for letting me be.

thank you for leaving me alone.

hable con ella.

there were three things that irked me to death the past week.

1) i've been way too tired and busy to blog.

so many thoughts...ideas...revelations, but because i simply didn't blog them down, dissipated into thin air. what's become of the me who promised to blog every night? sigh...even i can't tell what's causing me such fatigue.

2) i've been inconsistent.
i guess sometimes, you'd need a hard knock to sorta wake you up. just yesterday, i made two mistakes in the course of my work. it was embarrassing and heartwrenching to face up to the carelessness. but yes, yesterday took me out of my comfort zone. i realize i need to be constantly challenged to keep me on my toes.

my workload will be increased in the next few weeks. and as excited as i am about having a hand in everything, i know there'll come a day when i'll be so stressed up by it all and wondering why the hell i never said no in the first place. i guess i'm still able to handle it now, because it's all a matter of getting into a routine...but sigh...i really need to learn how to say no anyways.

3) i've lost my patience with people who obviously aren't doing well, yet refuse to admit it.

yen said something about there being no use in a person admitting to not being "fine". i beg to differ.

when someone genuinely asks if you are fine (and you can tell that it's genuine and not just some greeting), you should probably have the decency to give a genuine answer.

when you appear with swollen eyes, a sad look and a voice choked with emotion, and someone asks if you're okay, what are the chances of him believing you when you say you're "okay...really"?

perhaps you feel that it'd be better not to lay your thoughts on us, thus the casual and usual "i'm fine".

but we'd be idiots to take you at face value and not try to delve deeper when you are obviously not well.

give us some credit.

in any case, grover has decided to take this upon himself...to help you pull through this mess.

but i'm interested to know as well: do you wish to be helped outta the situation at all?

my guess is you don't. you want to preserve whatever memory you have with him...and even if it hurts you to death, the pain reminds you of how good things were.

so my guess is there's nothing we can do.

but if you guys want to give it a shot...be my guest.

i just hope there'd come a day when you'll practise what you preach about being different from the normal girl on the street.

i hope you'll stop wallowing in self pity and take control of your life.

you do realize that you're hurting all of us more if you don't let us help you, and just watch you waste away right?

i want to lie in someone's arms.

i don't want a boyfriend.

i just want to lie in someone's arms for a while.

is that too much to ask?

i remember already wanting to blog on this last week.

as i walk from chinatown to cecil street every morning, i pass by a couple of benches before south bridge road. there's usually this senile-looking old man picking fleas off his dog on this one bench. every morning. there were a couple of days when i'd come out of the mrt station, and while striding along outside chinatown point, chance the old man walking his dog in my direction. that'll usually mean i'm late.

behind my tinted shades, i'm able to observe the two without looking as if i were staring. these two obviously meant a lot of each other. the old man made a routine out of picking fleas off his dog every morning and the dog...well, the dog just lay there an enjoyed getting the fleas picked off him.

the furry thing would look into his owner's eyes so intently sometimes it seemed they had an unspoken connection.

he's lonely. but i'm glad he found another to pour his emotions into.

good night, my someone.

it's tuesday and i haven't blogged on sunday.

it's 1126 and i'm done with my interviews and smses for the day.

i'm tired, though i ain't quite sure why.

something happened at the end of sunday to make me realize how i shouldn't be nice to some people...like, i shouldn't even try to open them up if they aren't receptive at first instance.

i always seem to lead people's thoughts astray...when i so don't mean to.

in being nice, i've hurt quite a few people.

so when i ain't nice, please don't complain.

i'm protecting you, as well as me.

i'm tempted to simply narrate yesterday's happenings, but i'll hold that thought until i'm done with trying to verbalize a few thoughts.

they knew that no matter how happy i seemed during the day, i'd be sure to cry at night...and so, we all went home relatively early, and i was left physically alone to savor the last couple of hours on the 21st of March 2004.

and savor i did.

i replayed the day backwards, starting from dinner...working all the way back to the morning when i met cookie and grover.

everything reeled out like a dream.

at the end of the day, my birthday WAS spent differently.

was i glad? of course. but it wasn't because i had so many people around me on the day. it was because of the underlying care and effort these people made to make the day work out.

if there was ever a project the sstt succeeded in pulling off, this was it. yesterday was synergy at its best.

and i don't care what people say about us being crap. if they could experience yesterday, they'd be compelled to admit how wrong they were to think of us like that.

i have to admit my mind wandered off at times during the day...wondering how the day would be like without them, or how i would've spent the day if there weren't any plans. the thing that kept replaying in my head for most of the day was that someone standing under the opposite block, staring at grover and me after we parted from a hug.

nightmarish as it was, nothing could compare to what happened that very same night. that account will come later this evening.

yesterday was amazing. but again, it opened up ports to so many rooms of thought...and pain.

it's the pain of loving.

if love is such a wonderful feeling, and if love is pain as well, does this mean that pain is a wonderful feeling?

my babies love me. and i love them.

so bring on the pain if you must hyde...cuz you know i ain't letting up.

as i pulled out my laptop and flipped the screen open, i started tearing.

i'm now being drowned by the tsunami of mixed emotions.

i guess this is what happens after you've had one helluva day...to me, at least.

after a slow morning being accompanied by a running nose, i met up with angus and claire to go watch a juggling act at suntec city. angus ended up being part of the show as well...it was hilarious. then he treated me to WILD STRAWBERRY ice cream at gelare...it's absolutely fantastic! it's cool how claire and i can get along so well...very fun to be walking around with her and her dad...

went to the esplanade library screening room to watch the pink panther...am glad they liked it! barbara (angus' wife) and mark and sonya joined us slightly later. sonya's such a cool kid...the sstt simply loved her eyes. such soulful peekers she has. anyways...we headed down to the waterfront to have some tiramisu angus and claire got...it was understated nice. none of that "happy birthday to serene" thing...

sent elm to phs for her volleyball match, then headed to junction 8 for a movie. i finally managed to have sushi...haha...plus nachos with cheese...oh glorious cheese... movie sucked major, but the company was so good it made the movie that much more tolerable. imagine sitting through a horror flick, laughing your ass off like it's a mr bean movie.

popped back in on elm...but she seemed too preoccupied (it couldn't have just been fatigue) to acknowledge...and that triggered many thoughts on its own...but i shall not delve into that tonight.

i came home, took a shower...and pulled out the benQ.

so tell me...why the hell would i be shedding tears after such a perfect day?

i'm crying...

because i saw elmo in the state she's in...

because cookie's trying hard...

because grover's such a sweetie...

because the three came down to the esplanade library at my request...

because claire and angus sneaked up on me with a birthday cake...

because mark showed me how tender a father could be with his daughter...

because sonya made me believe in absolute trust and innocence...

because jiahao held my hand through the movie...

i'm crying for everything that happened today.

i'm crying because i cannot handle the love they are showering on me.

and tomorrow, i will cry for what's to happen.

a song i was working on for the past couple of hours...

cut me some slack okay? it's been quite a day...so my mind's a little zonked...and this is the best i can do for now...

silent tears of wonder, sadness and fear
fill my book of memories i hold so dear
picture perfect days - a thing of the past
why can't we make love everlast.

we'd stand by each other when the going gets tough
hold each other up when one's had enough
but we've moved on beyond that moment in time
leaving all our memories behind.

we're leading separate lives
we're no more those little boys we used to be
but we're still part of one big family
bonds will never break
you are still my brother
in my arms you'll still have a home

in yeung ching you still have a home.

so there it is...am gonna take a short break now...

she gets outta bed
brushes her teeth
and puts on her contacts.

she pulls on a pair of jeans
a sweatshirt
and ruffles her hair.

she grabs her backpack
heads out the door
and into the sunshine.

walking through the crowd of the jaded
she stands out.

not because of what she wears
or because of the oddly-shaped weight on her back.

she sticks out because of the sparkle in her eyes
the bounce in her step
and the energy and confidence she emanates.

while the rest of the world goes through the motions
in their picture perfect suits and seemingly perfect lives
she's real.

sure...she could put on a suit, color her face
and look like everyone else
but she chose to be comfortable.

sneakers and jeans may not be the choice of wear for everyone in the financial district
but she just doesn't care.

she knows that this all will catch up with her one day
and she'll have to do what they expect her to.

but for now...she'll just be going with her flow.

she's an independent girl in her own right.
she doesn't fit in anywhere.

she thinks too much for the gang
yet is too radical for the people in the industry.

what is wrong with her?

and if, like what you say, nothing is...

then why does she get ostracized, put down and pushed away?

the glow in her can't last forever.
so why can't they just embrace that glow
and accept her for what she is...or isn't?

why can't he just love her?

she yearns for an unconditional love.
but in the absence of that
she will settle for a love that isn't.

or would she?

in essence, who could love an independent girl?

who could love this independent girl?

for the first time this week, i'm able to come home, turn on the air-conditioning in my room, and turn on the benQ in bed. at 1630 this afternoon.

i have a desire to ingest every single junk food in sight...

let's see...i had a croissant with angus and mark at starbucks, and when i got home, i made a beeline for the refridge and pulled out the frozen tang yuan, then when i went into mom's room, i found an untouched container filled with sweet potato crackers...

as i boot up my baby benQ and reach for a tissue paper, the sight of the tissue box brought me back to two sundays back...when i used up three quarters of that box.

i realize one thing. i'm not good with emotions.

i can either 1) not feel or 2) feel till my heart breaks.

between the two, i'd obviously choose the first.

hyde sucks...but he's right, most times.

finally...a quiet moment to write before my lids shut for the next few hours.

he so tried to make me smile today...and was trying to pacify me even when i kept insisting i wasn't pissed.

it felt funny to have my baby brother trying to make my day, when i knew exactly how he was feeling deep down.

there's a marked difference in the way he behaved today...and that's what made me shut up and observe for a bit.

it might not have been obvious, but i know...

when i saw the names of those who worked with him in years past on the spreadsheet, i remembered what he told me about his group of scouts.

and i feel somewhat guilty, contributing to the sudden rush of bittersweet memories by mentioning the great singapore picnic.

you knew i was going to cry yesterday. similarly, i had an inkling you were gonna cry tonight.

this is the point where we embrace each other and help each other through the long night.

where are you?

and where am i to embrace you?

i'm forced to blog in the office before i leave.

i no longer have the energy or luxury of time to blog when i get home.

work's been piling up...it's a good thing, but that also means i have less time to myself.

and as that day draws nearer, i'm beginning to wish for work to consume me...totally.

that way, i wouldn't have to think about inconsequentialities.

i knew it.

a feeling of foreboding has been hovering above me for the past couple of days...and yesterday, it finally came down on me.

yes...things have been going wrong for the lot of us.

what i find almost amusing and utterly nonsensical at the same time was how i am expected to fulfill someone else's expectations on my birthday.

isn't someone's birthday meant to be her day? doesn't it mean she could do whatever she wanted on that day? or not to?

i found myself using the "huge wedding banquet" analogy to jiahao yesterday.

why does the couple spend the entire day rushing around, pleasing others just because their parents want to create a good impression, when the day was meant to be theirs? after all, it's THEIR day, isn't it? and by the end of the day, they get so wiped out that they probably can't even stay up to reflect on the day's happenings. whatever happened to the most romantic and special day of a couple's lives?

similarly, whatever happened to me not wanting to celebrate my birthday without getting ragged on for not wanting to?

why do i have to listen to your grouses, reminding me of how me not wanting to celebrate MY DAY pisses you off.

so really...who should be the one who's pissed?

i wrote last night...but the blog got wiped out...and it was one of those reflective entries...sigh.

his eyes light up when he laughs...

that was the first thing about him that caught my eye.

so you ask "what's so special about a guy whose eyes light up when he laughs? they're everywhere, aren't they?"

well, yes they are. but there sure aren't many like him - who's 56, has a family, has had years of experience in the harsh world of business and leaves behind a corporate legacy.

the moment this guy spoke, i felt completely at ease. he seems so genuine and...FATHERLY.

his name's basskaran nair and is one of singapore's top pr and marketing masters.

i mean...considering how many contacts he has and how many people he could potentially step on, he has, all these years, remained so true to his work. nothing in the many years he's been in the business has made him lose track of the raw passion he had when he first started out.

it truly was a pleasure to have met him yesterday.

his presence was so comforting that i actually spoke up during the meeting...when i usually just sit there, take minutes and nod away. i don't speak often because i'd rather let my bosses do their thang...i already talk too much for work...haha.

i think i'm starting to love what i do. i was already in love with the job when i started, but now, i'm developing a kinda passion for what i produce.

all thanks for mark and angus...i've found a direction in life.

and it's not just work. it's LIFE AFTER SIA.

but let's save that for another entry, shall we?

thanks basskaran...you made my day.

what a day!

finally got back home at seven plus in the evening after rushing from one meeting to another all afternoon.

today was a long day...

surprisingly though, i had kept my eyes open throughout...weeeee....

this is one of those times i really admire mark.

it's a wonder how he could wake up at 0300hrs in the morning, get to work, go on air all the way till 1100hrs plus...then spend the rest of the afternoon meeting up with angus and i to work out all the little technicalities on phonecast. above all that, he also undertakes writing a lot of the material for our publicity purposes...and that he does at home. so i reckon he goes to bed at about 2300hrs plus...and wakes up at 0300hrs plus! dang!

i sure wish i had his energy.

the whole day was such a mad rush i'm not sure if i had time to think...

but i'll be back later to reflect on whatever i settle one...then.

it's been one heck of a day, but it was well worth it.

how nice it would be if every night ended like tonight.

we spent nearly an hour just sitting at the void deck, taking in the wind and each other's presence.

we did speak to each other somewhat this time around...and it was nice.

before i went down though, cookie told me this...

"remember: enjoy with him , dun think too much. treasure the moment u spend together. make it a fond memory."

thinking it out loud...it does sound as if our relationship is ending. but i guess cookie's right. i have to treasure every moment i spend with him, because...i don't know how much longer i'd be able to just sit by him and kiss him when he's down.

i've found a hug that comforts me.

i've found a gaze that holds me.

i've found a touch that assures me.

earlier on in the day, while on the train to town, i saw such sweet innocence and wide-eyed wonder in the eyes of the boy sitting across from me. on his mom's cue, he pulled out a paper to read as well.

the boy suffers from mental retardation, so although he looked cookie's age, he probably had the mind of a primary school child.

whenever an announcement was played in the cabin, the boy would repeat those words loudly.

so there i was, pretending to focus on my TIME magazine...when the whole time, at the corner of my eye, i was watching him. the people around him were edging further away...

to this boy, life is simple. he follows his mom wherever she goes, picks up the paper when she does, finds joy in repeating everything everyone says.

i admired him. i wanted to embrace him.

he so reminded me of william fitzpatrick...the one camper i baked a giant cookie for in camp new hope.

william and i often took the road less traveled (literally) when it came to getting from one place to another, because he is on crutches. and while the others would take just five minutes to get down to the pet farm, we'd take 20, because we had to take driveway (he couldn't climb stairs).

he was my favorite camper...purely because we connected. he was retarded, yes...but he wasn't stupid.

he'd sing with me...humor me with his jokes and give me his wonderful, toothy grin.

i miss william. i hope all's well with him...and wish that his parents' have finally brought him home.

when jiahao looks at me, it scares the hell outta me...because i know that once i look into those soulful set of peekers, i'd never be able to look away.

and that worries me to bits.

what if...one day, he leaves me?

what if...one day, i hurt him?

i tend to hurt the people i love by hurting myself...a vicious cycle that i simply cannot avoid.

if that day comes, i'd probably cry my eyes out because i can never look into his eyes again.

if that day comes...

please...let that be in oblivion.

freaky...but an accurate enough test for the other personalities i know...


Morpheus


?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
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i woke up, filed my reports, then tuned in to all our blogs.

obviously, i had read them through before i headed to bed the night before, but i often make them my morning read as well.

today, i was pleasantly surprised to read grover's new blog...written at 0625hrs.

he must've woken up that early because he slept early last night.

it's a schweet blog...totally coolness.

and i guess that's what made me wanna head down to np today.

so yes...cookie and i will be heading down later on in the afternoon.

wanted to catch up with anita but she's teaching from 1400hrs...dang...

so elmo, here we come...perhaps we can finally get that beef pastrami sandwich i was telling you about...

and grover...don't think we've missed you out...we're coming your way as well...

see ya'll in a bit.

now how often can one get to say that? ;)

my baby brother loves me.

it's such a wonderful feeling.

today went great for him, and so it was for me as well.

a few smses into the evening, i realize how much things have changed since i left SIA...and how much i'd miss him and the others if i were still flying now.

i remember the time when i was in LA, and we (HIM and i) kept msging each other...that's history now, but i was just wondering if i'd miss them as much i missed him then.

i believe i'd be missing them even more.

because i love them.

so yes, i'm glad i'm not flying anymore.

fridays are sstt days not because we were obliged to meet, but because we want to meet.

i'm proud to have yingli aka elmo as my lil sis, jianyi aka cookie as my co-conspirator, jas aka ernie as my asl, gimhui aka bert as my fellow "brain buster", kt aka big bird as my lao da, and aunt aka big momma as well...our big momma.

i'm glad grover's my next block neighbor.

and i'm glad jiahao is my grover, my sweetie, my baby brother.

love shall, truly, keep us alive.

so here i am with my sin-filled tummy of creamy pasta. and my head full of ringing.

this would be a make-up of last night's lack of.

last night was dramatic. in fact, this whole thing's playing out like an epic, 'cept that the ending is yet to be...for a long long time to come.

when grover came home last afternoon, he smsed me a simple "i'm home sis".

thereon started several short and seemingly curt messages, with a lotta underlying tenderness.

i slept...the flu was really getting to me.

as i awoke later on in the evening, he smsed me again.

"are you feeling better now?"

another round of short messages. then he said he was gonna get elmo.

i wanted to pass elm the handphone as well. and when she asked if i had wanted to see grover, i said no.

i guess i just couldn't bear to look him in the eye then. i knew if i saw him, i'd break down all over again.

but as much as i knew how elm would respect my feelings, i also knew how she wanted things between him and me to work out. so yes, i knew he was gonna be there.

after we walked her to the mrt station, we trotted back in silence...all the way to his block.

i told him to head home and turned to leave. he put his arm around me and edged me towards my block, opening the umbrella.

as we stood at my lift landing, i had really just wanted to go when he suddenly hugged me. and i didn't hug back.

my mind suddenly flashed back to the day i hugged him and he didn't hug back.

as we stood there with his arms around me, i started sobbing. i just couldn't hold it in any longer.

i told him to go home, and went to sit down. he followed.

then he hugged me again. and still, i didn't hug back.

we barely uttered 10 words to each other in the time we were together.

i had to leave. i stood up. he hugged me again. this time, i did hug back.

he muttered something. and i know he thinks i didn't hear it, but i did.

i stepped into the lift. he stood there till the doors closed.

for the first time in ages, i felt relief...because, believe it or not, last night was the first time i cried in someone's arms like that.

and i never expected my baby brother to be the first one to hold me like that when i cried.

last night, he truly held me up as i was falling.

perhaps this is the ultimate bond.

men getting torn apart and shattered to pieces, them helping to rebuild each other, them helping each other regain the will to live.

what stronger bond can there be?

thanks to that crazy little thing called love, i've finally experienced how it feels like to be needed, and to need someone.

it may not be a romantic love, but like i said, love between two siblings could, quite possibly, be the most unconditional.

and...

my baby you...are the reason i could fly
because of you...i don't have to wonder why
baby you...there's no more just getting by
you're the reason i feel so alive.

the morning's gonna be a real toughie, as usual.

i don't get the monday blues really...i just kinda get the monday swollen eyes.

this is my life really - i can never get too happy, else i'd come crashing down.

just a bit after i stated how i want to start living for reals, my upbeatness came to a sudden halt.

nevermind the halt. the upward trend started turning...rapidly steepening into a vertical fall.

and there i was. back at rock bottom.

this time, i've got no one to blame but myself.

once again, i've let someone down...and in turn, let myself down.

i've violated the one rule of friendship i hadn't taken issue with till now...because this had already tore one friendship apart...and i'm hoping i can do something to change the tides before this friendship goes down the toilet bowl as well.

feeling is a wonderful thing. it makes you feel alive. but to me, feeling seems to equate to pain.

so if feeling equals pain, then pain is what keeps you alive.

and if there's no longer any pain, does that mean you've lost it all?

in that sense, would a person, who's been moulded by pain, be expected to continue to go through shit her whole life simply because she should, by now, be strong enough to tolerate more?

quite a while ago, i got a line from LOTR's sam. sam was my hero that night. his line that forever stuck was this:

"don't go where i cannot follow."

today, i finally got to use that line.

through the flurry of tears, i sent him an sms. but, i couldn't even bear to type out those three words. it hurt too much.

even reading them off his smses hurt.

but he has to realize that he is not hurting me.

sometimes, i'd wish he wouldn't reciprocate the affection...so i would get smashed and leave.

but...he did reciprocate. and did much more.

now it's my turn to turn away.

i don't know how to love.

and even more than that, i don't know how to be loved.

my dearest baby brother

as always, you've been an absolute rock for me.

but we can't be strong all the time.

i know you've promised to hold me up when i fall, and i hope i've done my part to hold you up as well.

but when there comes a time when we both feel like crashing, why can't we simply embrace each other and help one another through the long night?

we don't always need to be strong for each other.

thank you for letting me into your heart. it will take a long time for me to open up, but in time, i will.

it would suffice to say that my life was a farce before i met you.

i've just taken that baby step towards the ground...and you were the one who helped me take that first step.

i want to live my dear.

please teach me how to embrace such living.

yes...cordial's the word.

i have a cordial relationship with the devil...which is more than what anyone else can claim to have...haha.

i'm finally able to look him in the eye and talk to him without feeling apologetic or as if i owe him anything.

today, i've totally regained my independent streak. miss bitch i am!

actually, if i were a third party to this whole saga, i'd probably feel the sting of my words to him - the devil.

enough of the devil. he's not worth so much blog space.

the morning was slow...and it was made even slower by the song and dance session. i'm glad at least some pple like AHM took to the music well though...so it wasn't a total waste of time after all.

i had intended for a "what do you wanna be when you grow up" session with the scouts, but decided to do a "whose line" on them. it was kinda fun...though i could probably make them more familiar with such sessions and be more expressive before throwing more radicalism their way.

angus and mark know about the sstt...and grover. there are times when they ask how my "baby" is...and by that, they'd be referring to grover. and i can never really answer that question fully...because i simply can't find the right words to describe him.

he's special. and so are cookie, elmo, ernie, bert and big bird.

today, i managed to hug them all...except for bert, because he had to rush off, and i was in the middle of my session with the scouts.

there are times when i feel a connection with grover. there are times i don't. i didn't quite feel it today. instead, i felt a "don't come near me" vibe.

and so, i felt guilty because i was doing something behind his back. i sincerely hope that he wouldn't get angry with me when he finds out what i've done.

just when i was sure he just wanted to keep away from me today, he sent me an awfully sweet message.

"i remember something. maybe i can spend the 21st of march 0000hr with you. haha...because of the performance. happy? bleah."
that message just warmed my heart.

from the moment the devil got up the van to the moment before i received that message, i hardly smiled.

the moment i read that...i'm sure cookie could see how my face lit up.

it wasn't so much of how he so wanted to spend that day with me. it was more of him suddenly thinking of it out of the blue. with all the shit he's been through in the past few days, how he could even think of the birthday thing is beyond me...

all i remember from the past week are the warm hugs.

the devil can stay in hell. i'm taking the elevator up to ground zero...and living life. for reals.

once again, i have failed to capture the integral thought that triggered so many sub-thoughts.

but oh well, since picture postcards from LA's playing right now, i could probably just spill why the song's special.

since i left secondary school, i've thought of starting life anew somewhere.

it wasn't because my secondary school years were horrible...in fact, i'd say that some people wanted to have what i had back then. i was popular, involved in almost anything you can think of...with the various sporting ECAs wanting to poach me from my beloved basketball team during our off-season.

i was quite the all-rounder...but no matter the number of people around me, i've always felt alone.

as i boarded the plane for LA after my 'O' levels (alone), i couldn't quite figure out why my heart still felt so heavy. as the plane took off, i teared.

so the short of it is...i had visited NYC for a bit then as well. and while the city seemed cold and rude to others, i felt totally at home there. as my uncles, aunts and cousins huddled under a shelter (it was snowing and freezing, supposedly), i stood by myself at a corner...and watched. soon, a warm tear fell upon my cheek. and i realized that i wasn't cold anymore. i felt totally cosy.

it was then that i found myself. for that one instant, i was free from worries. i felt ALIVE.

i had found myself in NYC. i told myself i HAD to go back there someday. i HAD to live there.

so all through poly, i worked hard to save up...to supplement my impending further studies...in the US.

my parents, though disillusioned with my ambitions, encouraged me wholely...though this education thing has always been AN ISSUE. whenever my relatives even mentioned the word "education", i'd break down.

poly was a whole new experience. it was then that i vowed to get myself outta this mess of a life and start life anew somewhere. some place where nobody knew me. some place i was totally alien to...so i could actually learn.

on every birthday for four whole years, i'd wish for the same thing - my 21st birthday would be something. i'd be outta here and i'd be living alone...studying in the US.

EVERYONE knew it was a big thing for me...but alas...

just one day before my final paper of my poly life, my mom breaks into the room, and breaks it to me, "girl, we cannot afford to send you for further studies."

i know it sounds stupid now...but that was the saddest i've ever felt.

as she walked out of my room, i just huddled in a corner and cried and cried and cried....

i don't know how many days i cried for...

i don't blame my parents for any of this...but...why did everyone have to build those castles up for me, knowing fully well that they'd come crashing down anyway?

from that day on...i never wanted to celebrate my birthday again.

on my 21st birthday, i refused to let anyone near me.

on my 22nd birthday, i refused a birthday cake from my family.

they're probably still wondering why i'm so adamant about not doing anything.

and on my 23rd birthday, i would like to be alone.

i know...i've done so much since then...and i'm living a fulfilling life now. it's just that, this is one thing that has changed my whole outlook...and the disappointment i felt then has carried on.

even now, i feel a stab of pain whenever someone mentions studying overseas to me. i'm not jealous...it's just...my heart aches a little.

you see...i haven't completely gotten over that sadness. and i know that because i'm crying as i type this out.

in half a day, i'll have to speak to a group of impressionable minds.

i don't know how i'm gonna do it with conviction.

as the day draws nearer...my walls are getting higher.

please don't build any castles for me anymore.

grover's a special kid.

he's got such a cool exterior that hardly anyone actually bothers to know him.

hardly anyone bothers to look into his eyes...and witness the cracks of vulnerability.

he's very much a small kid at heart - full of insecurities, afraid that people would hate him if they knew who he really was, and masking all that with a sunshiney personality.

quite recently though, he's gotten somewhat tired of even trying. while he hasn't become a grouch overnight, there are times when he falls into sullenness. but it would figure that if he knew someone was watching him, he would perk himself immediately.

frankly, i'm afraid to look into his eyes. i try to, but most times, i can't last for more than a couple of seconds.

i hate looking into people's eyes just like that because i feel totally exposed...like, the moment i allow them to get through to my eyes, i'd be down.

so i'm wondering...why would someone like him even DARE to look into my eyes? isn't he afraid of the tsunami of cynicism?

how can a "cold-hearted bitch" (as my mom puts it) be afraid of looking into a 16-year-old's eyes?

sigh...things would definitely be much easier if you'd all just let me stay that bitch.

but oh well...nobody said it was a bed of roses...the sstt.

"there's a kiss at the end of the rainbow, more precious than a pot of gold"

as i stepped outta the shower, something lisjana said on my last day at camp struck me.

i remember the scene clearly. we were at the morning briefing, a last-minute run through of the cases we'd have that week. i was leaving camp that morning, and it was lisjana's first day as a counselor. lisjana was visibly upset...she'd been crying the whole night in our room, because i was probably her closest friend there.

so bernadette (another counselor) asked, "so serene, does this mean that lisjana's taking your place?"

i was trying to take the question in when lisjana suddenly snapped, "she's not replaceable! what are you talking about?"

at that point, i was totally overwhelmed. i hadn't realized how much lisjana treasured me until then.

so yes...as i got outta the shower earlier, i wondered: can i be replaced?

i kinda wondered that in all ways...like, whether i'm replaceable as an employee, a friend, a rover, an assistant scout leader...and all the other roles i've been in.

when i look at the people who've moved on since i came into their lives, i suppose i am replaceable.

cole once told me that i had set some sort of a benchmark for the kinda girls he would date...because it'd be hard for him to find someone who runs along the same wavelength as he does.

i had thought that was total crap. then i realized how true it is...that sometimes, you may never find another who thinks the same way and can finish your sentences for you.

coleman and i...we were a class act...haha. we'd sit at the benches by orchard road, watch the cars go by, and we'd have the best time ever without even speaking. and when we do speak, we're constantly amazed at how we could complete each other's sentences.

cole and i are soulmates. and though we don't talk anymore, we both know we're there for each other.

i gotta admit...i'm pretty jaded about friendship. i hardly give people a chance to get close. so those who try and try...kudos to them.

but as jaded as i am, i do wonder if the people who want me around really treasure me so.....

experience tells me once a person gets to know me better, and realizes what i'm really about, he distances himself slowly.

it's happen enough times for me to wonder if there's something wrong with me.

so can you blame me for being jaded?

to some people...i'm sure i'm replaceable.

i'm sure my chairman will appreciate me being replaced as the rover secretary.

i'm certain a couple of my assistant scout leaders wish i could be replaced.

i'm convinced if i were to walk out of the classroom full of scouts one day, no one would come after me.

wait...i was.

perhaps one would come after me...or maybe two, or three, or four, or five...

but the truth remains that i am, indeed, replaceable.

among the few things that've happened till this time of day, what i'm about to mention is yet another milestone.

my brother's made me a fan of his blog.

if you frequent my blog, you'd realize i put quite a bit of soul into it.

my brother's blog is more narrative than creative...and though he struggles to find the right words to convey his messages, he successfully does so with pure honesty.

and if you think i'm little superhero girl, my brother would be IT.

my baby brother's growing up...and i'm proud of him.

but i'm keeping my fingers crossed he wouldn't go through the same things i did.

he's been through way too much to go through more shit.

his name is genie. go read his blog.

perhaps i should start writing a screenplay of my life. of the sstt. of grover.

yesterday was quite a milestone.

i received a very special hug from a very special person. and he kissed me on the cheek.

it was an awesome feeling...kinda like innocence shining through.

i know it sounds odd to some that the two of us are so close. but if you've ever experienced a strong, platonic friendship, you'd get what i mean.

i think this fella is the reason i've finally been able to let the devil go...and as cookie puts it, i "danced with the devil and brought him to his knees..." haha.

this little one made me realize how love could come in another form...and how, perhaps, such love could be the most unconditional of all.

it's the sorta love that would exist between blood siblings, 'cept that this time around, he isn't my blood brother.

but it's probably the fact that he isn't in my immediate family that i feel so close to him. it's probably the mystery which surrounds him that i'm intrigued by.

i guess i'm just surprised that a person his age could see through my mask, like wayne did.

so i'm kinda glad he isn't my real brother.

but i'm also kinda sad he isn't.

i may just be getting back to pre-feel times...when i would just ponder about seemingly inconsequential stuff...

while walking almost everywhere yesterday, many scenes triggered off one thought or another. i remember wanting to write about something as i walked to raffles mrt. as soon as i met carrie though, that thought dissipated.

*note to serene: remember to just bust out your filo as soon as you get a thought.

the scene i actually remember from yesterday enough to carry forward to writing about today is a father holding his little girl's hand. they were crossing the road, chattering happily, with the girl almost in a half-skip.

i could never really remember that part of my childhood. it was as if i had none to speak of.

any semblance of a childhood i had probably only began in secondary school...more specifically, the day my brother was diagnosed with leukemia.

as odd as it sounds, my life really began then.

and i guess...the image of the girl and her dad walking hand in hand kinda made me wonder if i was ever that physically close to my dad.

my dad and i have been through quite a bit...there was my brother's illness, the cold war...whatever it was, through it all, my mom never failed to drum into me how stubborn both me and dad were. and that we would never be able to resolve issues between the both of us because we were both as strong-headed.

my dad and i seem to have a quiet understanding. we do seem quite similar. but i refuse to believe i have his pride too.

i feel the presence of an invisi-shield whenever we speak, even when we're in the same room.

could that have stemmed from putting on too many masks? masks that we both have to wear more often than most?

it's a revelation...how my dad and i can be so similar, yet couldn't be more different.

it's a sobering thought...how i probably could never hug my dad...purely because that shield exists.

but what i am sure of is: the day i do hug him, we both will break down.

we both want to be strong for our family. we cannot let our cracks of vulnerability shine through.

today saw the biggest compliment i've got...since i've met mark and angus, of course.

as i was walking down the escalator into the depths of serangoon mrt, my phone rang.

"what an odd, yet strangely familiar number," i thought. picked it up.

"hi serene, it's anita. are you too busy to talk at the moment?"

so it was ms kuan, my ex-lecturer whom i'm pretty close to...i said i'm fine and was just heading to work.

"so you know how i'll be heading to the UK to do my post-grad, so i need someone to take over my classes for a while. we're looking for a full-time lecturer and an ad-hoc one to take over my radio prod. and radio journ. classes. i'm thinking you'd be good to do radio journ as a part-time lecturer because of your current schedule. would you like to give it a go?"

now...note that at this point, i was already speechless with disbelief. this is a woman i've looked up to since the day i started poly. and the fact she even called me up personally to ask if i was interested....WOAH!

so i said it sounded fun and that sure, i'd send her my CV.

"it'd be much easier for you as an ex-mass commie to come in because you've been through radio journ. and you know the course structure and how it's like. plus, you're in the industry now...so that's perfect."

it ended there and i sent her my resume in the afternoon after my interviews.

so yes, my day started good...haha.

and to think that i'd have my own class-full of students (albeit jaded asses) does seem kinda nice...

of course, when she mentioned lecturing in NP, several things popped into my mind...

1) ELMO!!!

2) ELMO!!!

3) ELMO!!!

4) cole.

5) radio.

6) wayne.

how funny would it be if elm were to tell her friends that she's meeting her lecturer friend from mass comm for lunch? haha...

cole-wise, i'd be happy to just pop in on him once in a while to see how he's doing, even if i know he'd prefer to stay far far away from me...(those who know me well enough know our story. if you don't, ask)

most of poly was a blur. the times that stood out were those of radio prod and radio journ classes, on top of photojourn, of course. perhaps it was how the classes seemed so "breezy"... but the last time i checked, things have SO changed. the ongoing construction has destroyed the convenience of the mass comm block being just beside the tv and radio studios.

things'll never be the same.

wayne. i just hope i'd be able to bump into him one day, just to say hi. he was the one who turned my life around...and if you like the serene you see today, you have him to thank for it. he was my photojournalism lecturer. wayne umehara.

on to today...

mark and angus were as excited as little boys getting their first taste of coke when they saw the phonecast website...

i'm glad. cuz although that project gave me a lotta heartache, i felt a surge of pride when they proclaimed how great it looks. raymond did the site. i came up with the design. we did it again...we worked together to make something work.

but i swear i will never work with him on such a project again. alas, i'm still his secretary in the rover unit...and no matter how much i disagree with him at times, i'll just have to keep quiet and follow suit.

so i guess i'm a good leader then. i can follow as well.

i hate to be the only one who has the guts to tell his silly ass off. and because i'm the only one who does, he thinks i'm being bitchy and picky...even when i tell it to him nicely.

it sure doesn't pay to be nice...and straightforward, i gather.

my style is what makes me unique.

how can anyone expect me to ditch that and become a regular cookie?

i'd hate for people to condemn my ideas just because they come from me - miss radical.

but don't you people get it? I AM NOT SHEEP.

i don't have wool...i don't stick my nose in the grass and graze all day...and i'd hate getting shaved naked when i've got a thick coat anyways.

i stink.

i love grime.

i frown.

i snigger.

but did you know that i smile and cry as well?

i smiled when i picked up a penny on the streets.

i cried when my best friend, slimy, went to the moon.

and though my favorite word seems to be "SCRAM", i'm secretly hoping someone could see through that fiercely independent exterior and be my friend.

my name is oscar, and i live in a trash can.

and who says grouches don't like hugs?

so how difficult is it to give away money on the streets?

extremely, it seems, as i've found out today.

for our marketing campaign, we were out in the streets of raffles place today, handing out ang paos with real money in it. given the crowd and the limited number of red packets we had, you'd expect we'd be outta them in a flash. but guess what? it took us two whole hours to finish giving out just 250 red packets! with real money in them!

a few interesting responses i got today...

"miss, don't give out everything. save some for yourself!" (this sweet old man...)

"don't bluff. nothing is for free." (okay...so this isn't that interesting, but what the hell...goes to show how jaded singaporeans have become)

"really? can i have one more for my son?" (then many come back for seconds and thirds and so on...)

"wah! really have money leh!" (and he screamed so loud all the other old geezers widened their eyes and flock towards me...)

all in all, it was an interesting day...

while getting ready to head into the office today, i had a panic attack. as i lifted my turtle shell of a bag onto my back, my whole body went soft and i HAD to sit down. my heart was palpitating. this is odd, because i had a cup of horlicks earlier...so it couldn't have been a lack of food or sugar. nevertheless, i gobbled down two pieces of bread before forcing myself to trudge to the mrt station. for the entire journey to cecil court, i just concentrated on my footsteps...

i had woken up with terribly swollen eyes this morning.

thank god nobody noticed it enough to question me about it.

and oh, the night market has moved away.

ending yet another rollercoaster of a weekend for the first phonecaster of singapore.

check out the subject of OUR arguments and my frustration...my phonecast website...

and with a heavy head, i finally bid the world good night.

it's been quite a day.

my eyes...sigh...mi ojos es muy fea.

yo muy cansada.

yo queiro amarte por siempre.

puedes amarme por siempre tambien?

buenas noches, mi amor.