once again, i have failed to capture the integral thought that triggered so many sub-thoughts.

but oh well, since picture postcards from LA's playing right now, i could probably just spill why the song's special.

since i left secondary school, i've thought of starting life anew somewhere.

it wasn't because my secondary school years were horrible...in fact, i'd say that some people wanted to have what i had back then. i was popular, involved in almost anything you can think of...with the various sporting ECAs wanting to poach me from my beloved basketball team during our off-season.

i was quite the all-rounder...but no matter the number of people around me, i've always felt alone.

as i boarded the plane for LA after my 'O' levels (alone), i couldn't quite figure out why my heart still felt so heavy. as the plane took off, i teared.

so the short of it is...i had visited NYC for a bit then as well. and while the city seemed cold and rude to others, i felt totally at home there. as my uncles, aunts and cousins huddled under a shelter (it was snowing and freezing, supposedly), i stood by myself at a corner...and watched. soon, a warm tear fell upon my cheek. and i realized that i wasn't cold anymore. i felt totally cosy.

it was then that i found myself. for that one instant, i was free from worries. i felt ALIVE.

i had found myself in NYC. i told myself i HAD to go back there someday. i HAD to live there.

so all through poly, i worked hard to save up...to supplement my impending further studies...in the US.

my parents, though disillusioned with my ambitions, encouraged me wholely...though this education thing has always been AN ISSUE. whenever my relatives even mentioned the word "education", i'd break down.

poly was a whole new experience. it was then that i vowed to get myself outta this mess of a life and start life anew somewhere. some place where nobody knew me. some place i was totally alien to...so i could actually learn.

on every birthday for four whole years, i'd wish for the same thing - my 21st birthday would be something. i'd be outta here and i'd be living alone...studying in the US.

EVERYONE knew it was a big thing for me...but alas...

just one day before my final paper of my poly life, my mom breaks into the room, and breaks it to me, "girl, we cannot afford to send you for further studies."

i know it sounds stupid now...but that was the saddest i've ever felt.

as she walked out of my room, i just huddled in a corner and cried and cried and cried....

i don't know how many days i cried for...

i don't blame my parents for any of this...but...why did everyone have to build those castles up for me, knowing fully well that they'd come crashing down anyway?

from that day on...i never wanted to celebrate my birthday again.

on my 21st birthday, i refused to let anyone near me.

on my 22nd birthday, i refused a birthday cake from my family.

they're probably still wondering why i'm so adamant about not doing anything.

and on my 23rd birthday, i would like to be alone.

i know...i've done so much since then...and i'm living a fulfilling life now. it's just that, this is one thing that has changed my whole outlook...and the disappointment i felt then has carried on.

even now, i feel a stab of pain whenever someone mentions studying overseas to me. i'm not jealous...it's just...my heart aches a little.

you see...i haven't completely gotten over that sadness. and i know that because i'm crying as i type this out.

in half a day, i'll have to speak to a group of impressionable minds.

i don't know how i'm gonna do it with conviction.

as the day draws nearer...my walls are getting higher.

please don't build any castles for me anymore.