how nice it would be if every night ended like tonight.

we spent nearly an hour just sitting at the void deck, taking in the wind and each other's presence.

we did speak to each other somewhat this time around...and it was nice.

before i went down though, cookie told me this...

"remember: enjoy with him , dun think too much. treasure the moment u spend together. make it a fond memory."

thinking it out loud...it does sound as if our relationship is ending. but i guess cookie's right. i have to treasure every moment i spend with him, because...i don't know how much longer i'd be able to just sit by him and kiss him when he's down.

i've found a hug that comforts me.

i've found a gaze that holds me.

i've found a touch that assures me.

earlier on in the day, while on the train to town, i saw such sweet innocence and wide-eyed wonder in the eyes of the boy sitting across from me. on his mom's cue, he pulled out a paper to read as well.

the boy suffers from mental retardation, so although he looked cookie's age, he probably had the mind of a primary school child.

whenever an announcement was played in the cabin, the boy would repeat those words loudly.

so there i was, pretending to focus on my TIME magazine...when the whole time, at the corner of my eye, i was watching him. the people around him were edging further away...

to this boy, life is simple. he follows his mom wherever she goes, picks up the paper when she does, finds joy in repeating everything everyone says.

i admired him. i wanted to embrace him.

he so reminded me of william fitzpatrick...the one camper i baked a giant cookie for in camp new hope.

william and i often took the road less traveled (literally) when it came to getting from one place to another, because he is on crutches. and while the others would take just five minutes to get down to the pet farm, we'd take 20, because we had to take driveway (he couldn't climb stairs).

he was my favorite camper...purely because we connected. he was retarded, yes...but he wasn't stupid.

he'd sing with me...humor me with his jokes and give me his wonderful, toothy grin.

i miss william. i hope all's well with him...and wish that his parents' have finally brought him home.

when jiahao looks at me, it scares the hell outta me...because i know that once i look into those soulful set of peekers, i'd never be able to look away.

and that worries me to bits.

what if...one day, he leaves me?

what if...one day, i hurt him?

i tend to hurt the people i love by hurting myself...a vicious cycle that i simply cannot avoid.

if that day comes, i'd probably cry my eyes out because i can never look into his eyes again.

if that day comes...

please...let that be in oblivion.