RAINY DAYS AND MONDAYS


rain from my window

i know. i'm mental...but...but...

doesn't it look smokin' even when it's raining?

i'm so tired it's not funny.

but i'm so loving the stress.

yum.

TENDER IS THE NIGHT

Between the darkness on the street
And the houses filling up with light
Between the stillness in my heart
And the roar of the approaching night
Somebody's calling after somebody
Somebody turns the corner out of sight
Looking for somebody
Somewhere in the night

Tender is the night
When you hold your baby tight
Tender are the motions, tender is the night

jackson browne pretty much says everything in this song.

of course, i ain't using this song because i'm feeling all sentimental or anything.

the word "tender" kinda hit me straight in the face as this girl i know rattled off what her boyfriend does for her and all the expensive gifts he gets her or she gets herself (on his account). okay...i am so not going to rattle on like she did.

the boyfriend is a really nice guy. he totally accomodates to her. and yes, he does seem like a "tender" fella.

though the word got to me when i flashed back to the times i was somewhat pursued by some.

one running thread among those who've tried to get into my good books is...that they've all been extremely nice to me.

i've been surprised with ice cream after class at the end of a bad day.

been sent a basket of roses on valentine's day from a friend who's secretly harbored a crush on me for years.

someone's even written a song for me.

they've all been TENDER. with their soft, small actions. soft, caressing voices. gentle handholds with the ocassional tug and squeeze. brushing my hair off my face lightly. kissing my forehead.

it almost felt like they were treating me like they would a baby...my COLLEGE GIRLS cast mates even called me "princess".

some have even played jester to get me to laugh, or smile. several even went as far as to say that to see me really smile would be one of the most wonderful things...haha.

being the romantic i am, it really is heartwarming to be at the receiving end of such gestures.

more often than not though, i play the bitch simply to stay out of the relationship circle.

it's worked so far.

perhaps i should make "try a little tenderness" my new theme song. =)



view from the top, at night

now here's the part where i talk about the night.

how can you not look at this view and think "tender is the night"?

(i just looked up and caught a glimpse of the water, glistening in the moonlight)

cosy room. new bed. great view.

now all i need is someone to take me in his arms and whisper sweet nothings into my ear.

tenderly.

ROOMFUL OF BLUES

not.

ya'll would've heard of my moving out to a place called tanjong rhu.

so here is my new room...messy yet naked, but mine =)

(c'mon...give me a break, i only had time to bring all my stuff over without unpacking...)


looking in from the doorway

yes, you're looking at my brand new bed frame and mattress, laden with my hi-fi set and duffel bag.


cosy ledge

i fell in love with the ledge the moment i saw it.

sure...it may be occupied by a mess of bags and boxes now, but it'll be a heaven for me to just curl up, read and look out at the beautiful view, in no time.


view from the top

and altogether now..."AWWWWW".

go on and tell me this is NOT a beautiful view.

i'm in love. =)

to think i was zonked out for most of asia water's briefing today.

*slap myself at the back of my head

how the hell did i get so exhausted?

GIRL ON TV

messages swarmed my mobile handset, and i had to delete some old smses to accomodate the incoming ones.

those five said the same thing:

"hey! what were you doing on tv?"

so you can imagine how perplexed i was then...HOW THE HELL WOULD I HAVE APPEARED ON TV?!

and then i realized someone other than the audition cameraman was filming the whole freakin audition process.

i had gone for CNA's "Audition Me" thingee, you see.

for about five minutes after those smses came in one after another, i freaked. and i was waiting for the mrt, in front of two old laydees.

after that though, i turned rather calm...of course, my insides were about to burst with euphoria.

i mean...it's probably a good thing that outta hundreds of last-minute auditionees today, they picked me, among a couple of others, to feature in the news story.

on the flip side though, what the hell is CNA doing, spending airtime on a repeated subject like the auditions?!

hmm. (yes yes...you read me right. and you'd know what i'm thinking now if you know me =))

i hope my failed attempt at basic salsa manages to get some votes thrown my way though...haha.

*and i'm so hoping my salsa instructors wouldn't see the disgrace of an example i provided...

i do love you.

cuba.

i believe it's the dilemma that got me all distracted during salsa tonight.

i was hell bent on boycotting the audition...for some reason though, all signs seem to be pointing me in that direction.

so if it's bothering me so, i should just bite the bullet and go for it.

if not to win it, just to get this shitty feeling over and done with and rid myself of all the "what if"s.

sigh...why haven't i been hit by the usual wave of post-dancing euphoria?

i'm tired.

what hypocrisy.

you leave without a word...

you don't acknowledge my presence even when i'm standing right in front of you...

you don't even have the courage to hand over what i lent you personally...

and yet,

you have the cheek to message me:

"just wanna wish you a happy birthday".

fuck you.

fuck off.

FITS YA GOOD

so here're some way overdue pictures i should've uploaded sooner...


elm and i.

my dearest elm trotted down to esplanade park to meet me and ern for a bit last saturday.

make that her and her arm. poor baby.

the dress code of the day seemed to be pink and white...but i swear we so weren't planning it!

elm: sis loves you =)


ling and i.

ling is one of the sweetest people i've known to date.

how we clicked within such a short time still befuddles me...but let's just leave it as that...=)

ling: thanks for the necklace, girl. i just wanna give you a big hug!


and here comes ricky.

this picture was post-"dipping".

i woke up the next morning with a bloody sore neck, which lasted till today. hahaha...

but ricky's been a joy to be around...of course, that applies to all the other rueda fellas.

i suppose that's why we hang out that often.


philbert and us.

here's another sweetie.

funny ass of a guy...but beneath that wildly crazy exterior lies a quiet and gentle side, i believe.

he just doesn't quite show it. as do all of us...who don't quite show off our vulnerability.


hanlim and i.

at breeks, ang mo kio.

we're beefcakes...cuz we both love beef...:) BOVRIL my man!

this guy's listened to me whine about my shit since the day i got hit with THE NEWS.

thanks for sharing.

and here's something that touched my heart...


flowers.

nothing really quite says it like a painting.

a self-made one.

thank you, for making the day complete.

*this is so gonna go up on the wall in my new bedroom...

ALL THAT JAZZ

melancholy. jazz.

these two words have been swimming about in my cerebral hemispheres for the longest time.

the first time those two surfaced was when i asked myself this:

"would one have to be melancholy to be able to sing jazz?"

pop and ballads were pretty much my genre.

as "obvious" as it seems how ballads normally have a huge chunk of melancholia dunked in, it really is jazz that takes the cake.

to sing jazz, one would have to be of a certain age...possess a certain kinda aura...and keep it understated at the same time.

i never thought i had the sass to carry off the genre...till now.

i'm not fantastic at it, of course. i really am just more comfortable with the genre. =)

maybe it's because i'm a year older, and celebrating my living for the 24th year.

LIVING. I AM LIVING.

i seem to have stuck out for most of my life.

if not because of my physical self (while i was this tall, stick-thin figure in primary school), then my high profile.

han lim said he and ashley talked about me a little...and he mentioned how i probably had trouble staying in the airline because i stuck out.

and i still stick out.

good for me, i suppose...since i don't have to wear an outrageous color on my head or dress skimpy to get attention.

take me as i am, who i was meant to be
and if you give a damn
take me, baby
or leave me.

- take me as i am, rent.

THANK YOU

today was such a surprise.

i usually pride myself on being able to see through people and things...but man...my boys are good =)

thanks ernie, for coordinating everything...and for the pencil.

love you all so much and am looking forward to the first of april - our first sstt day in the longest time.

elmie...cookie...you're my babes.

if it wasn't the surprise that welled me up inside, it was seeing you two. again.

in other news...

i'm touched by everyone's concern.

it's amazing to actually click with some whom i've known for a mere couple of weeks, or months.

if i haven't told you personally already, THANK YOU.

thank you for making me smile. and laugh. and cry.

for once, i'm crying tears of joy on my birthday.

melancholy as i am, still, it really is a pleasure to share the occasion with you.

it's amusing how the people i thought were fantastic dancers, are now telling me they aren't too good when they ask me to dance.

it's like...a disclaimer or something...

"would you like to dance? but i'm not too good ah."

and i gently remind these guys that i've danced with them before.

they don't remember me.

i wonder if that serves as compliment enough.

hmm.

BRING IT ALL BACK

when someone quietens down on a certain issue, it doesn't mean she's done with it.

it just means that it's always at the back of her mind.

i never did agree to do otherwise.

so please don't look at me like i went back on my word.

why can't you just trust what i'm doing?

why can't you see how this could be good for all of us?

i'm sick and tired of being elevated and brought down so many times in a day.

A HOUSE IS NOT A HOME

this song sums it up best for me.

of course, i don't mean it exactly like the lyrics meant for it to be - romantic.

your house is only a home when your heart and soul are there.

if you know me, you'll know where my heart is.

A chair is still a chair
Even though there’s no-one sitting there
But a chair is not a house
And a house is not a home
When there’s no-one there to hold you tight
And no-one there you can kiss goodnight

have you ever walked into a room, to see him in his chair, poring over something on his desk?

and as he hears you walk in, he glances up and gives you a grin that's so adoringly goofy?

for that one moment, that room is home.

A room is still a room
Even though there’s nothing there but gloom
But a room is not a house
And a house is not a home
When the two of us are far apart
And one of us has a broken heart

you turn the key into the place you call home.

as you step into the room, an irrepressible sense of loneliness beseiges you.

it's empty, dark and cold.

and from that moment, that room becomes the last place on earth you want to be.

Now and then I call your name
And suddenly your voice appears
But it’s just a crazy game
When it ends, it ends in tears

you fall asleep all alone in bed.

you think you hear him, but as you reach for him, he vanishes.

you wake up breathless, and sobbing uncontrollably.

I’m not meant to live alone
Turn this house into a home
When I climb the stairs
And turn the key
Oh, please be there
Still in love with me

so here's an achievable, grown-up wish for the year...

i wish to go home.

*now if only i can click my heels three times and come home.

THAT'S WHAT FRIENDS ARE FOR

need i say more?

you know...i did it again.

just last night, i was held down by a sandbag...and unfortunately, i took someone down with me.

it was an intentional act which didn't turn out the way i mapped it out.

maybe it really was that time of the night...

but let me attribute such idiocy on my part to the onslaught of el dia.

it's weighing down on me again.

please let me be...at least until the passing of el dia.

where are you, wayne?

where are you...when i need your wisdom...

i desperately need a hug.

FORGET ABOUT LOVE

it was the melody of the song that caught my attention eons back, but listening to the lyrics of the song got me pondering...

DO WE REALLY NEED A NEW LOVE TO MAKE US FORGET THE OLD ONE?

mark wills sings it like this:

He said goodbye - you watched him turn and walk away
Before your eyes - there went the plans you made
His memory rolls down your cheek
In the shadows all alone
Girl take my hand, take one more chance
Let me turn the light back on

Nothing makes you forget about love like love
Makes you forget about, the one who let you down
It's over now, you've cried enough
Give me a little time
And in my arms you'll find
Nothing makes you forget about love like love

A human heart - sometimes can only take so much
Girl let me start - to pick the pieces up
Let's strike a match to the past
And we'll dance inside the flame
Once you feel a love that's real
You won't recall his name

I know it's hard to reach for someone else
But please close your eyes and trust your heart
And let love do the rest

Nothing makes you forget about love like love

and if you do need a new love to bring you in from the cold, how'd you know it isn't a wrong love?

how would you know if that new love is real...and not some fella who just happens to be there?

love is so undefinable you don't even know when it's staring you in the face.

it's so funny to hear mark wills sing this on the same album:

Wouldn't wanna go calling this love
That word isn't close enough
To describe what we've got here
My heart is still in one piece
I can eat and I can sleep
I haven't cried one single tear
I never lost my freedom
And I'm too secure to be afraid

This can't be love you're giving me
It feels so good, comes so easy
It's gettin' stronger every day
Like it's never gonna fade away
This can't be love I feel for you
It's nothing like what I've been through
It's gotta be something new
This just can't be love

Every love I knew up until now
Picked me up just to let me down
I've been every shade of blue
I never quite felt sure inside
A little nervous and a little tongue tied
Bit i can always talk to you
Look at us we're still together
Love's never taken me this far

this whole song sorta insinuates that love needs to hurt to some extent...because if you ain't crying or losing sleep over it, it ain't love.

perhaps i'm being too cynical.

maybe the lyrics really meant happy tears and losing sleep over happy thoughts.

when coleman told me he loved me, i asked how he knew.

he said he was experiencing something new, and that he'd never felt that way about anyone else before.

so love is undefinable, yet, when we do fall in love, we know what we are...in love.

because it just feels different.

when a person needs company, he makes it known.

and when a friend knows of the need for companionship, she accomodates to that.

because she hopes her presence will make a difference...and that he might feel better.

but...

sigh.

i need company too.

*okay okay...i know i'm a freakin walking contradiction. just let me indulge in my freakin contradicting thoughts for a bit, won't ya?

i've never quite seen posses walking around like...well, posses.

until last night, that is.

the people who planted their asses at the waterfront theater last night for the mario lopez band were probably oblivious to this, but all the different dance posses surrounded the entire arena.

to their extreme right were the group from J&J (the place where i'm taking my rueda).

just next to the J&J posse were the Jitterbugs people (where i took my basic and intermediate).

on the extreme left were the Attitude posse (where i took an intermediate class).

and you know they were posses because they walked about in their own groups.

if this were harlem, we would've broke out into multiple fights already...haha.

i don't know what made me think of this...

TRIPAHOLICS...

my rueda class fellas. these people are crazy asses. i'm a crazy ass.

the two sitting down in front are our instructors - june and jackson.

i don't know why but i gotta share this song that just popped into my head...

It's very clear our love is here to stay
Not for a year but ever and a day
The radio and the telephone
And the music that we know
May all be passing fancies
And in time may go

But oh my dear, our love is here to stay
Together we're going a long long way
In time the Rockies may crumble
Gibralter may tumble
They're only made of clay
But...

Our love is here to stay.

- Our Love Is Here To Stay, Gene Kelly

PUFF THE MAGIC DRAGON

happens all the time, doesn't it?

just less than 12 hours ago, i was soaring on the wings of the word "passion".

ten minutes ago, i was brought back down with so much force it's created an indent in the ground.

two inches into the ground. that's where i am.

if my eyes weren't swollen from the lack of sleep, they sure are puffed up now from my active tear glands.

it's been a while since anyone's seen me with puffy eyes..."puff" is an endearing nickname, but for my sake, i hope that name isn't here to stay.

this is one of those times when i just need someone to sit by me.

to just keep me in check about crying. to be that silent pillar of support.

just for today. for the evening.

i was so looking forward to the evening at the esplanade.

now, i'm not even sure if i should go.

me and my puffy eyes.

i haven't had that much fun in a long while...

dancing to me is what alcohol is to some people - it numbs me.

and even if it were for a couple hours, the adrenaline keeps pumping all the way till the morning after.

i'm coughing my lungs out but hell...it was a darn good night.

the calve muscles are calling out for oxygen but hell...it was a freakin' good night.

i'm keeping my fingers crossed for next saturday.

i hope the adrenaline from a possibly good saturday night would hold through to monday...or even, tuesday.

i hope...

i wouldn't have to sob monday away.

i've often mulled over the wondrous effects a good relationship can have on a person.

of course, the horrendous downstream of good relationships gone bad supersede such wonder.

i guess that's why i've not had a basis for comparison yet.

it's not that i'm afraid...i just haven't met my match. =)

so who is he?

for the longest time, i've harbored a yearning to see josh again...josh, whose birthday is on the day before mine. how fantastic.

so when it hit me that that'll never happen, i moved on.

but i supposed he set a subconscious benchmark.

who is HE?

i think he may very well be josh and coleman combined.

i'm looking forward to the day we meet.

it shall be an interesting encounter.

DOORS

You think I know
What I must do,
What hopefully lies ahead.
But even though
I have no clue,
It's something I'm not to dread.

I'm not afraid
To rise and say,
I'm going for my dream.
And should I fail
Along the way,
Life still will promise some meaning.

I must try
since I've the chance,
To open a hidden door.
And I will fly
Just let me once,
I'll show you I can soar.

I never dreamt
I'd come to this,
The thought never crossed my mind.
But fate will tempt with promises
Of treasures and dreams to find.

I've turned away
The little things
That I was forced to do.
But in some way
Those little things
Are everything that I'm used to.

I must try
Since I've the chance
To open a hidden door

For each single one
That I go through
There will be several more

Now I've begun,
All I must do
Is open every door.

- Hotpants, The Musical.

thank you hian hong, for lending me the CD.

you have no idea what it did for me...it came at the right time.

after much deliberation and tears, i've decided to celebrate EL DIA.

once again, music has saved me from plunging into the depths of depression.

bring on the 21st. i'm ready to face the world. with gusto. =)

i want to create magic with music.

i want to transport people to fantasy world of tinker bells, fairy lights and then some.

i can't do alegria, or 'o', or mystere, but i'm sure i'll be able to create a new world with the simplicity of my music.

the wonderful world of disney has just given me the drive to do something more with music (there's that word again).

as the little fairies pranced about, accompanied by a song (which title i desperately seek), my eyes welled up.

i was trying so hard not to tear...

the music did it for me.

it's begun.

i'm beginning to feel detached...

i'm desperately seeking something in the past year to celebrate...or something in the coming year to look forward to.

i still can't see it...i can't.

WHERE ARE YOU?

EL DIA is merely two weeks away.

please give me the space to mourn the loss of a dream.

it's all coming back...tonight...

it's begun.

MELANCHOLIA

"What's my euphemism?" - Alice

"You're 'disarming'." - Dan

"That's not a euphemism!" - Alice

"Oh, but it is." - Dan

well, "unfathomnable" was the word used on me today.

haha...the boss said he loves me deeply, but still can't figure me out.

the journey from plaza singapura back to my residence was a hard one.

my tear glands were so trying to keep from succumbing to the odd shit that's activating them.

i had watched the movie "closer", you see.

it hit home, that one.

the messages tore me right open...and while people were laughing, i was just trying to keep myself in my seat.

i have yet to digest the entire movie, but my mind is so flooded with varying emotions right now i'm about to burst.

though i can't.

maybe i'll cool down after the next few days...not sure if union is a good idea at this point.

the last time i felt this way and went to union, i walked out within 10 minutes.