TWO SLEEPY PEOPLE (PART 2)

on my advice, he's fixed an appointment with a counselor tomorrow morning.

with this development, the least i can do is support him, even though i cannot physically be with him.

he went ballistic when i said my parents will not let me see him unless he proves he's done something about himself...and that doesn't mean just going to the counselor.

i had told him in the beginning: convince my parents, then convince me.

that still stands.

but in the meantime, i'll just have to stand by him for a bit.

my mom worries that he's just doing this to get me back.

i'm worrying the same thing.

though on the flip side, him doing something about it is the first step.

if nothing's wrong with him, good for him then.

but it'll also mean he and i truly cannot mesh and this will go on for eternity if we were to stick together.

going to the counselor is one thing. actually sticking through it to understand what's going on and working things out is another.

it's just like me. being sensible is one thing. in this case though, faith is kinda getting the better of me.

and i hope he won't betray my faith again.

ON MY OWN

but i don't want to pretend he's beside me.

even though he gave the best hugs and kisses.

the last two nights i spent in my room with him were the sweetest things, with us just enjoying each others presence.

we were watching the telly, occasionally stealing a kiss in between commercial breaks.

but i can no longer feel that comfort in my room.

not because he's no longer there with me, but the memory of how my roomie's boyfriend pushed the door open and scolded him.

the sight of him coming through the door like that still haunts me, and him shouting at us in my room...the memory is just unbearable.

perhaps it's a good thing that i'm moving home soon.

but i may make it slightly earlier because of the recent developments.

i may have given up on this relationship, but i still feel for him.

and that, for one, is a bloody dangerous thing.

i suppose it's cuz my heart's been kept in for such a long time that when it came out to breathe, it just relished the air so much it wants to stay out.

even though the head's taking over, the heart's still struggling to stay out and play.

it's so hard...especially when my safehaven is no longer.

NO MORE

it's so obvious...what's good for me.

but before i did it, i had to get rapped on the knuckles by the roomie, her boyfriend and my parents.

my dad even described it as "walking into a lion's den".

this morning, he tried to make things good again, but saying that he wants to try.

but monday night i told him i'd give it one more shot before i call it quits.

and i did give it one more shot and i tried to make it good.

so now, he says i'm extremely impatient with him and that i have an attitude problem that needs addressing.

personally though, with him, i feel like i've reached new limits of patience.

i could probably still go on, but i'm so mentally and emotionally drained that i just don't want to push it further.

while i may have an attitude when it comes to him, i cannot allow him to push all the blame on me and make it seem right that his outrage is always my doing.

he has never failed to say that i am the cause for all his outbursts, and while they are no excuse, i am indeed the cause of them.

i mean...DUH.

of course you're angry at me. who else are you angry with such that you have to take it out on me?

he expects me to take it.

and when i say i can't, he says i'm impatient.

dear reader, how long have i put up with this to be labeled "impatient"?

it's amazing how some people can't even admit that they have the problem.

even when 9 outta 10 people tell them they do.

TWO SLEEPY PEOPLE

it's been awhile, hasn't it?

i just came back from my cousin's wedding dinner, after an awful morning in church.

thank goodness my cousin knew nothing about the commotion that everyone else seemed to be aware of because of all the shouting.

it's quite funny actually, how he flares up just before the two weddings i got him invited to.

even while talking to my mom...he accused my mom of taking my side and shouted at her...later telling me that my "whole family misintepreted" him and that "everyone else outside my family would see his view".

i wonder who these people are. seriously.

because in my little view of my little world, i can't seem to see how EVERYONE ELSE can see his view.

and if everyone else can, then i'm sure he can find someone who loves him for who he is.

i keep telling him that if he feels like he is putting up with me, then we really shouldn't be together.

and i've often wondered why i can't leave him.

and keep crying. crying. crying.

then this song i heard during the wedding just put a lightbulb into my head - Two Sleepy People.

this one line, in particular, struck me...

"Too much in love to break away."

maybe love is the potion or poison that's keeping me in.

i'm so ready to leave...but somehow, i can't JUST DO IT.

i don't understand.

am i really that much in love?

am i in love with love, or in love with him?