i'm all dressed up and ready to go on flight.

yes, the nails, make-up and red lipstick are on. plaster on the smile that's characteristic of the uniform as well, except that it isn't plastered...

thank god i'll be back tmrw and have the weekend off.

i'm sitting in the darkness
looking out at sea
wondering if there were
ever a chance for us to be

we're from two separate worlds
as two could never be more different
you've got your ways
i've got...my words.

yet the strangest thing is
i'm drawn to you

then again...

look behind your own soul
and the person that you see
just might remind you of me...

i laugh, i love, i hope, i try
i hurt, i need, i fear, i cry
and i hope you feel the same things too

so we're really not that different
me and you.

tal vez - perhaps.

tal vez...pero yo quiero un amor perfecto
mi corazon es muy triste.

Perhaps...because I want the perfect love
My heart is very sad.

the above ain't lyrics of a song...but the term "tal vez" did stem from ricky martin's new hit of the same name. before i even checked out the meaning of "tal vez" in the dictionary, the song seemed to call out to me..."perhaps if i had done this...or that, perhaps if i had acted on my feelings...perhaps". when i did find out the meaning of "tal vez", i got a total shock because i had been able to read the meaning of the song through the feelings emoted by the words and music.

as i heard the song for the first time, my mind just filled with mental images of days past. i wrote the two lines above in spanish, and not english, simply because spanish (stemming from latin) is the language of love. wait...i'm so cringing as i type out the letters "L-O-V-E". many a time i've wondered how i could write so eloquently about the four-letter word, yet never have had experienced it before (in the romantic sense, that is).

perhaps...when i do meet THE ONE, i'd stop writing such angst-filled words. though words are really all i have.

perhaps...i've been pushing love away in order to keep these words.

despues de todo, no soy nada sin estas palabras.

after all, i'm nothing without these words.

i just awoke from this odd dream. deja vu yet again. all my freakin recurring dreams are night rages ('cept this happened in the day)...ending in me suddenly getting up, realizing i've been bawling my eyes out. i also feel really sad after these dreams and get extremely thirsty (duh, probably from the loss of water).

i was thrown smack in the middle of this seemingly welcoming family. then everything started to turn on me...my faux brothers and sisters plotted to throw me out, and no one else in the family would believe whatever i was telling them. that's the gist of it all.

the image that's clearest in my mind is when i approached "my room" in that house, i simply couldn't walk in. instead, i turned away, crouched by the stairwell and cried...the sorta cry that renders you breathless and speechless...and i just couldn't stop. then i woke up, and found my mom's pillow drenched with tears and me having tight knot in my chest.

london's such a wonderous place to be in...this, in spite of how snobbish some of those racist asses can be. pple there can be pretty self-centered, but i guess it's a city thing.

while on the tube one day, i gave up my seat in a crowded carriage to a little boy traveling with his parents. and while it was only for a stop before he got off, his parents were extremely grateful, and i, in return, got a loadful of stares from other passengers. why? was it such a rare sight to see someone giving up his/her seat? or was it just odd to see a chinese girl being sensible and thoughtful to a brit?

i've only started sharing my blog with others recently. never thought of doing that for the fear of some pple realizing that the blog's about them. but it's all a'ight.

this young chap told me yesterday that he wouldn't mind committment...he's 18. that totally shamed me for a bit. how could this guy, who's four years younger than me, decide that he's ready for that kinda committment, while i, at 22, get totally ruffled at the thought of a monogamous and serious relationship? sure, there are times when i wish there were someone who'd work my mind to infinity and to share my drivel with. then there are those times when friends who are attached remind me how cool it is to be single and seemingly unavailable. wait...lemme erase the word "seemingly". there.

i just can't stand the "huh? no boyfriend? sure or not?" phrase. i really don't understand why everyone has to say that...is it supposed to be a compliment (as in, you're such a great person why don't you have a significant other) or sarcasm (i can already picture those pple holding a capital L to their foreheads)? every time i hang out with crew outstation, the topic of "boyfriends" would definitely come up in the conversation. and it seems that pple have skipped the "do you have a boyfriend" question and jumped straight to "does your boyfriend do this or that". cue the silent laughter and incessant responses of "no". fine...you want me to say it out loud? i'll say it: I'M SINGLE, UNAVAILABLE (due to personal reasons) AND HEARTLESS (with men). and oh, have i mentioned that i've never been in a relationship before? if the above renders me a LOSER, so be it. wait, lemme change some of that. i'm 22, single, and proud of meself (at least i try to be).

close your eyes, let darkness take you
free your mind, embrace this feeling
now you're back into these arms of mine
these lips to kiss your tears away
ain't no one gonna take this love away no more

take my hand, there's no denying
hidden plans, fate's had a hand in
crying silent tears of pain on lonely summers' nights
i'll never let you hurt this way again

(to be continued...)