MOM'S THE WORD

i just had a rather resigned conversation with the mother over the phone.

as i spoke, i teared and now i've launched into full-blown sobs.

she reminded me it's just one day and after that, all will be over and we can get on with our lives.

she reminded me that i have to compromise to make everyone else happy.

I KNOW ALL THESE THINGS!

AND I'M ALREADY THROWING IN THE TOWEL.

BUT WHY DO I HAVE TO BE EXPECTED TO GIVE IN?

WHY IS THERE SUCH AN EXPECTATION PLACED ON ME?

i love him so much, but i feel as each day goes by, i'm losing more of me.

i cannot defy convention now because i cannot bear for him to go through what i'm experiencing now.

the wedding. the living.

that's two of the biggest things i might ever be giving up.

fucking patriachy.

i can't say it out loud.

but the one thing i want to do now is...

go back to disneyland and keep my eye on them fireworks.

have my snuffy hubby and JP along with me.

and get hitched right there.

i just don't feel like facing all these people anymore.

and i just broke my promise to myself.

STUFF IT LAH, SERENE.

i believe my mom was joking when she said some years ago that i could "elope" to get married, so will "save a lot of money".

all things considered, that sure seems like the best idea now.

i just want to keep being in love with him, marry him and move on.

without all the politics and fuss.

and more tears.

of course, my mom would be appalled that i actually heeded something she said.

i wonder when i'll lose my marbles and throw in the towel.

so much for always having declared to make the wedding work for us, and not others.

COUNTING BLUE CARS

maybe this is growing up.

to stop whining and perhaps do something about things.

or not.

i learnt that i can't always want things my way.

and that i shouldn't put others through my mess.

so if now's not the right time for things to be said, then i shouldn't push it.

it will only bring me and the others more pain and heartache.

but when it's deemed the right time to say it...

i'm hoping what i say will not break someone's heart.

nothing's ever easy.

so i learnt today.

THE ONE GOOD THING

about being on the verge of tears the whole afternoon is...

you get naturally red cheeks.

but also bloody high blood pressure.

is this worth it?

IF I KISSED YOU

i'm back.

i'm engaged. =)