such a simple script and i couldn't even get it done...what the hell's wrong with me?

i HATE caring. it seems like everytime i care for someone...i get punched right in the face.

SERENE LIM! why can't you just let the hell go?

why...

with this constant sparring between jekyll and hyde in my head, i always end up at the same conclusion.

i can't just let go because they're my babies.

i wish i could though.

perhaps i really should leave scouting for a while...or leave the ones who are making me feel so.

i don't know.

enlighten me.

i felt empty waking up this morning.

i guess i love waking up before the sun even rises on sunday mornings...so not being able to do it today felt kinda weird.

nevertheless, it was a productive day. i never even thought of turning on the telly and lying in my bed. the whole day was spent in front of the computer, converting files and naming them for uploading tomorrow morning. of course, i did up a script for the morning as well...including something for my new Buy Call of the day.

*big bird just reminded me of how many outlets my cable router has...so i could hook my mac up to the internet and have it surf side by side with the benQ...coolness.

cloudy day...sweeping my tears away...

it just turned cloudy about an hour ago. i looked out the window and chanced upon people bringing in their bamboo poles full of laundry. i chanced upon grover taking in his laundry...haha.

am now waiting for my parents to come home so we can head over to aunt's place for a family gathering.

it's gonna be a night of questions, questions and more of that again.

i know they mean well, but sometimes, i'd just wanna sit down and have a quiet meal, without people bombarding me with queries, insinuating i've got no direction in life. but i guess their style of "caring" is way better than that of a traditional chinese family. i'm glad i'm surrounded by relatives who ask "so is your new job exciting" than those who might say "aiyoh...so when are you going to introduce your boyfriend to us ah". note that they skip the "have you even got a boyfriend" question...

grover asked how i feel when the scouts keep teasing me about HIM. i said i do get irritated...but can't do anything because they'd never believe HE and i were never together. and, like i said, the only time they'd believe how strained our relations are would be when we fight in front of them.

i wish i have time to visit the night market near my block before it moves away.

i wish i had the courage to keep his gaze when i chance him staring at me.

i wish...i could, someday, be able to say those words without having to consider the consequences.

only god knows how i manage to keep my sanity and energy level up to write this.

it was a good day...i gave and received plenty of hugs, culminating in a warm and nice, long one.

despite grover's pleas earlier of wanting to have a picture taken of the both of us, once again, we didn't have a chance to. frankly though, i wasn't quite sure he wanted to.

people often put on a brave front, hoping they could keep the pain inside and bear it themselves.

i, obviously, am one such example. in fact, i believe that's the only bane of the sstt right now. we all have our issues.

i remember in blogs past, i wrote something about pain.

it does sadden me to be able to read people like that...because i see so much pain in so many of them.

and sometimes, to see the pain and know of it is much harder to bear than it is to hear of it from the person himself.

i know i'm bringing this all upon myself...i'm getting extremely tired of feeling. but until i do burn out, this is what keeps me alive. this makes me know i'm not simply "existing".

i also realized this evening, how difficult it is to verbalize something that's been in your heart for the longest time.

i know that because the moment those words came out of my mouth, i struggled to hold my tears back.

as i walked away, i dared not look back because my tears were already flowing freely down my face. i walked into the lift, huddled in the corner and sobbed uncontrollably...till the lift doors opened, that is. thank god for the lack of neighbors.

i couldn't understand why it was so hard to say those words. it felt really easy just typing them out...

i'm guessing it'll be much easier for me to say it to elm and cook...but i don't quite know yet.

it's true how my writing jinxes things sometimes. i fail to realize how different this is from actually speaking.

and because it was so hard for me to say those words, i shall not write those here today.

for what's the use of writing so much when you can't even say them without putting aside your pride?

with the taste of champagne still fresh in my mouth, i write this.

the night went better than i expected, though i should REALLY stay off the champagne...haha.

it was quite a pity i couldn't speak to jacqueline much, but it was nice seeing her all the same.

the kids were absolute coolness! it was pure fun watching them do their thang around the house, and sonya wave at her dad when he was making a speech...kids are amazing.

haha...think i'm about to crash. like i said, i should've stayed off the champagne...

WAIT!

angus' daughter, claire, gave me her sesame street vcd.

with oscar fronting the cover.

i believe even oscar would think that's one of the sweetest gestures ever.

thanks claire.

upbeat's good...hope you're enjoying this one as much as i am...

No Such Thing - John Mayer

"Welcome to the real world",
She said to me
Condescendingly
Take a seat
Take your life
Plot it out in black and white
Well I never lived the
Dreams of the prom kings
And the drama queens
I'd like to think the best of me
Is still hiding
Up my sleeve

They love to tell you
Stay inside the lines
But something's better
On the other side

I wanna run through the
Halls of my high school
I wanna scream at the
Top of my lungs
I just found out there's
No such thing as the real world
Just a lie
You've got to rise above

So the good boys and girls
Take the so called right track
Faded white hats
Grabbing credits
Maybe transfers
They read all the books
But they can't find the answers
And all of our parents
They're getting older
I wonder if they've
Wished for anything better
While in their memories
Tiny tragedies

They love to tell you
Stay inside the lines
But something's better
On the other side

I wanna run through
The halls of my high school
I wanna scream at the
Top of my lungs
I just found out there's
No such thing as the real world
Just a lie
You got to rise above

I am invincible
As long as I'm alive

I wanna run through
The halls of my high school
I wanna scream at the
Top of my lungs
I just found out there's
No such thing as the real world
Just a lie
You've got to rise above

I just can't wait
Til my 10 year reunion
I'm gonna bust down
The double doors
And when I stand on
These tables before you
You will know what
All this time was for

i cannot believe the insolence of some people.

i can tolerate rudeness to a certain extent, but if it's a personal attack, that's it.

he obviously doesn't know the gravity of the situation he's in right now.

let's just leave it as that.

no wait...before i end this part on him and his rudeness, i so gotta bring this up.

i told mom just a half hour ago of how i pulled the "boss" card on him and how he reacted to that. she smiled to herself. cookie said it's because "she knows she's got a daughter who kicks ass"...hahaha.

frankly, i don't even know how i let myself bring my bosses into this.

i must've felt really really lost.

today was relatively busy, even as i was working alone.

it was stressful...but productive. very productive.

i like...haha.

terence, the analyst at the office, keeps joking that whenever he sees me walk through the door, he'd get so terrified that he'd forget what interview he was gonna do that day. haha...gosh...just that one time...and i'm being labeled "the feared"...

for your info, i never did flare up at any of them, i simply stated that they should've told me that they were not going to be in the office in the morning, so i needn't have to rush down to interview them. i mean...how would you feel if, because you couldn't upload your reports on time because of countless technical problems, when you finally get them on, you're late for your interviews so you take a cab down. and when you rush through the door, all flustered but still alive, no one's in the office!

on hindsight...that kinda scene should only appear in comedies...the ones in mr bean fashion. haha.

so many concerns were swimming through my mind today as i was walking to the mrt station, to cecil court, to the mrt station, to home...and as i was eating my generous amount of sambal fried rice with salted fish (which i had to beg mom to take out for me).

website...banner...reports...phonecast structure...interviews...flash...

those thoughts kept looping in my head.

then after all those disappointment issues, grover smsed me to say he just got home. that obviously brought a smile to my tear-stained face. he came online a while later...and reminded me that we were meeting tomorrow...with cookie and elmo...with big bird joining us later in the evening.

i can't believe i had actually forgotten about our meeting tomorrow...geez.

we're supposed to head to the esplanade library's screening room for a movie (which we haven't picked out yet). cookie said he really doesn't mind what movie we watch because it's the company that counts. weeeeee........

of course, i'm gonna check in on aunt for a bit as well...and head to mark's place in the evening!!! i'll finally get to catch up with azrin and herald! and of course...meet angus' daughter, claire - someone i've heard an awful lot about...haha.

thanks to everyone who kept tabs on me the whole day with your smses of concern.

thanks to grover and big bird who kept reminding me to take my medication and get enough rest...

thanks to cookie and elmo for their uplifting comments...

thanks to mark and angus for their spirited "so serene, what's on your mind"s...

thanks to the devil who gave me such a warm hug yesterday, but totally tore me down today with such nonsense. honey, i'd love more of such hugs but don't keep taking me for granted. remember how i used to say you're "too fancy"? i guess i'm the one who's "too fancy"...haha...

sorry guys, i don't mean to be a bitch...but there are times when i have to stand up for myself.

mark's right. angus' right.

i have so much going for me. if i were to do up a list of the things and people i had in my life right now, i'd probably amaze even myself.

no matter how much pain i've subjected myself to these past months, things have only been going uphill for me...since i left SIA, that is.

so let's see what i've been up to since i left the airline...

1) i met mark and angus. 'nuff said...haha.

2) i got roped into the scout unit as an assistant scout leader.

my scouting life is something that puzzles a lotta pple. obviously, pple ask why i'd be with the scouts and not the guides, if i used to be a guide, and what i did in the group. frankly, i have no idea what i'm doing in the group. i have no specific skills to contribute and so, can't teach the boys anything for them to attain their standards. only thing i may be doing there is to soften the testosterone feel of the whole group. it's true that scouting may be a boy's game...but time's are a'changin' and i'd like to believe my presence is doing something for them.

i've seen the way raymond writes me off when i try to contribute to a discussion on scouting matters. he doesn't do it verbally, but you can tell from his body language that he just doesn't care what i think. i believe it to be so for the other people around. so yes...it was hard in the beginning, but once i stopped caring about what the other leaders thought, i started having a lot more fun.

the boys are starting to embrace me for who i am. i'm still too radical for the other leaders' liking, but i hope in time, they'll learn to trust me and my methods.

the best thing that came outta all this scouting stuff? i've learnt how to feel...and oh, the birth of the sstt. now that was coolness.

3) i became a big sis to quite a few.

the first time elmo called me "jie jie", it kinda stunned me for a bit. as soon as it set in though, i gotta admit it felt really good...

i've sorta started a hugging trend. to quote from cookie's blog:

"A hug can convey so much between two persons . It can mean so much to another person and it is actually a physical way of saying "I'm here for you" or "I share your happiness/sorrow with you" . Frankly , it kinda works out well with people with the "big brother" mentality just like me.

This is just one of the many things I've learnt from Oscar . And I know she's got a hell lot more to teach . Slowly , but surely , the SSTT will go a long way with her around."

my posse gives warm hugs. it was heaven the first time i hugged grover. he'd fallen asleep with his head on my shoulder for most of the time we sat at the back of the van. as we got off (he's my next-block-neighbor), he gave me one of the warmest hugs i've ever gotten. of course, cookie, elmo, ernie and big bird give warm hugs too...haha...but grover...man, grover's our baby. and for our baby to hug back...that's something.

i'm glad we've got no walls between us.

4) i'm singapore's first phonecaster!

monday's the big day! how the hell we zipped through the first two months of the year i don't know, but i'm so excited about monday! am keeping my fingers crossed that everything'll go smoothly till the day arrives.

5) i'm in a lion dance group.

haha...never saw that coming, did you? i've learnt to play the cymbals...elmo and i learnt it together with the new scouts. grover was the one playing the drum. by the way, that's how everything started with grover... it all started with this simple message:

"just a note to say that you've got an awesome
smile.

totally love it.

say hi to me the next time you see me okay?
don't just walk on by..."

remember this sweetie? am proud to be your sis.

incidentally, the sstt could form a mini lion dance troupe...haha...grover on the drum, elmo and i on the cymbals, ernie and cookie with the lion and big bird on the "gong" (?!).

it's s'wonderful...s'marvellous...

so many things! i shouldn't have time to even feel this way....

have i ever told you i love my life?

just a few random thoughts for the day.

pure drivel.

we're approaching march.

and it's been brought to my attention that THE DAY is drawing near.

and as it draws nearer, two things will happen:

i will miss josh.

i will want to be alone.

for those not in the know, his birthday is just a day before mine.

i don't miss him romantically. i just miss him.

my touch is comforting.

my smile is reassuring.

my gaze is dreamy.

my hug is needed.

i need a good and long hug.

i need a dreamy gaze.

i need a smile to reassure me.

i need a comforting touch.

today was a potentially emotional day.

no wait...it was an emotional day but we all managed to keep our emotions in check, save for my aunt, of course.

as somber as an investiture was supposed to be, it seemed to be full of laughter and encouragement from all directions.

i realize there are times when people lament about being in uniform and how uncomfortable it may be...but fact remains that when everyone is wearing the same thing as you, you feel a sense of unity and comfort. i guess that's peer pressure exerted in a good way. it feels especially good when the people you love believe in the same values as you, enough to take the plunge to put on that green uniform with a tie.

frankly, when i was in secondary school, i thought the scout uniform looked absolutely disgusting. i always preferred the smartness of the NPCC uniform, or even the ruggedness of the NCC attire. but i guess when you believe in something, even the ugliest of uniforms can become the most attractive to you.

it felt kinda odd to be on the bench with the others, being the only one without a tie.

as the cadets who got invested parted, the tie lay alone on the table.

now, it wasn't the tie that got to me. it was how everyone started grinning in my direction...insinuating that i'm up next...and perpetuating the fact that i'm the only one in my unit to be invested.

i tried so hard not to laugh out loud as i walked onstage. i couldn't even wipe that silly grin off my face as aunt tried to put the tie on for me. it was a hilarious sight.

and as i turned around to face everyone for my cuppa and bread, EVERYONE was grinning at me...but, for the first time, they were not being cheeky. for the first time since i've stepped in, everyone actually looked encouraging.

so yes...i guess elmo's right. it did make the experience a whole lot easier. i chomped down the bread like nobody's business simply because i was famished. obviously, the pepper didn't make a good filler, but what the hell...

it was a bonding exercise in itself...the ceremony. it was an oddly emotional experience, though not to the extent of tears and shit.

then came the "interaction session". i was overwhelmed to see almost everyone gathered in the room for the session. even robin, who was standing outside the classroom, was listening intently the whole time.

to cut the crap short, i believe bonding starts today. we all took a big step in the right direction at 1220 this afternoon.

i'm elated to have been invested. but i'm ecstatic at the prospect of having this buncha guys with me for half an hour every sunday.

i hope they feel the same.

dearly beloved

with deepest regret, we are gathered here today to send our dear little superhero girl, Serene, on her way.

Serene was strong and diligent, with a fiercely independent streak. everyone who saw her would know of her boundless energy. she was someone almost everyone could relate to. sometimes, people even looked up to her.

now that's the Serene most of you know.

for some of us, Serene was much more than that sunny exterior. i, for one, know that she has had so much pain in her life. we knew of the pain. and as much as we tried to help her overcome the hurt, she'd never let us in enough to hold her while she cried. she cried when she was alone because the pain was too overwhelming...it was too much to bear all by herself...yet, she didn't want anyone else to know of what she went through. she didn't want anyone worrying about her.

i guess all she wanted was to be loved. she has never experienced such intense love. she wanted to love, but could never find anyone worthy of her love. she wanted to be loved, yet no one could offer her the love she yearned.

she was different, and only a few could embrace that difference.

i will now read an excerpt of Serene's writing:

"i would probably never find someone i could love ever so deeply...purely because no one could ever understand me the way i do myself. i could probably love someone who comes closest to that, but there'll never be a perfect someone who'll know everything about me...about how neurotic i am at times...and all. no one could ever love someone - who takes issue with committment, who's a walking contradiction, who manages to mask her pain enough to exude a certain confidence and aura, who can love others more than she ever does herself - so deeply. in short, no one could ever love an actor."

she would've wanted me to say this: tell the people you love how much you love them before it's too late.

her soulmate would know that, for he had only spoken those words to her after she left.

he will now, forever feel guilty that he had never told her how he felt when she was still around.

i'm sorry Serene. i loved you too much to even try.

this world was never meant for one like you...and I do hope you're happy where you are now.

everyone here today, is here for you Serene. we're all here for you.

good night my dear.

i love you.

as we approach yet another sunday, i realize how much of a ride it's been for the past two weeks.

in the past couple of weeks, i've had way more emotions running through me than i've ever had...like, ever.

i feel my walls being torn down day by day, despite my constant struggles to keep them up.

a movie jolted me into sobriety today.

the word "bitch" rang in my ears the rest of the day.

whatever polly said, i could relate to.

"i am NOT his girlfriend".

"i don't want to get married".

i felt my eyes welling up when ben stiller's character told her how he couldn't have gone through everything he had, if he hadn't been in love with her.

it got me thinking: i would probably never find someone i could love ever so deeply...purely because no one could ever understand me the way i do myself. i could probably love someone who comes closest to that, but there'll never be a perfect someone who'll know everything about me...about how neurotic i am at times...and all. no one could ever love someone - who takes issue with committment, who's a walking contradiction, who manages to mask her pain enough to exude a certain confidence and aura, who can love others more than she ever does herself - so deeply. in short, no one could ever love an actor.

xoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

no one's ever loved her for who she is. they see a figure of strength, who seems somewhat mysterious yet have such a sunshine personality at times. he had liked her. he had wanted to go out with her. but when things got slightly serious, and he found out more about her, he freaked and left.

why can't he embrace her difference?

all she ever wanted was to feel loved.

alas...she left before she could realize such a deep love.

today was the longest day of the week, yet it was the shortest i've ever spent at SIASR.

today was spent catching up with old friends, people who've been ever so concerned about me, as well as strengthening the new ties that've been forged over the past few weeks.

jeff asked if i was truly okay. i told him i wasn't, but i was working things out...also said not to worry, because pain is part of life...pain is evidence of living.

it was tiring rushing from one place to another today...and all the walking totally wore me out.

today played like a sequel to the 14th of February.

at least it masked the underlying pain...hid it so much that i couldn't quite recognize those feelings while i was with the gang today.

it certainly helped that sweetie kept that smile on his face.

he's got such a wonderful and warm smile...and because it's a rarity for him to smile on sundays, having him share his warmth with us is special enough.

but it also got me wondering if we were all in the same boat.

we might be battling different demons, but we might be going through the same fundamentals; we were trying to fight off these demons.

the eternal optimism and overflow of laughter when we get together is evidence of the kinda shit we'd love to keep within those closets.

even when we're crashing as individuals, we've vowed to be there to hold each other up. kinda brings me back to the time in camp new hope. we were staying on, refusing to let up because we loved each other too much...and we didn't want each other to suffer alone. i stayed on for my girls.

right now, i'd love to stay on for my babies for as long as i possibly can.

i'll stay on the road.

it's gonna be helluva ride but the journey is reward enough.

i hope to give and receive a great many hugs in the interim...

and today, i gave my first "hug-and-kiss" bundle since...well, since him.

it was a good day. and it's gonna be an even better saturday and a fantabulous sunday.

just you wait and see.

it's been a long, yet thoroughly productive day.

i feel pretty good about myself because i made the phonecast logo look good...haha...

when put on the right backgound at the right size, it doesn't look so bad after all...and i'm beginning to like it.

things are looking up for us at the company. today's merely the beginning of a long and exciting journey.

mark and angus: thanks so much for believing in me...i can never say that enough. it feels fantastic to be part of this project and going through this whole start-up process with the both of you. i cannot imagine how heartwrenching things must've been for the two of you these past couple of years trying to get this going. now that we have, i'm confident our synergy will take us further than a "normal" establishment would do.

i truly admire the energy you both possess. no matter how tired i feel, as soon as i see the two of you, i'd turn from "black-eyed panda" to "certified crazy"...i still look tired, but i feel totally rejuvenated.

please don't worry about me. i'm more than happy to be this busy. it feels great to be back to the old me.

at least it takes me away from all that jekyll-and-hyde crap for a bit.

i almost forgot how physically taxing swimming could be.

i'm glad i finally got into the water today...after the passing shower.

i love the water...i feel free...just concentrating my energy on my strokes.

so this shall be it. swimming shall be in my week-daily routine.

on top of badmin.

let's whip that ass back into shape serene!

if i can't be emotionally strong, at least i can try to be physically stronger.

perhaps if i feel physically stronger, i'll grow stronger emotionally as well.

whatever. i need to get a little shut-eye.

pero me acuerdo de ti doesn't do it for me anymore...sober speaks to me now.

heard that song a couple of years ago together with beautiful, both by jennifer paige.

it's amazing how you can relate to such songs at various points of your life.

i dreamed a dream...les miserable

i dreamed a dream my life would be
so different from this hell i'm living
so different now from what it seemed

now life has killed the dream i dreamed.

it's only love...the scarlet pimpernel

don't turn away it's only love
quietly coming to you
whispering through you

take my hand it's only love
let it come through you slowly
don't be afraid
it's only love

out here on my own...fame

when i'm down and feeling blue
i close my eyes so i can be with you
oh baby be strong for me
baby belong to me

help me through
help me...need you

sometimes i wonder
where i've been
who i am
do i fit in
i may not win
but i can't be thrown
out here...on my own.

fall to fly...corrinne may

i could fall to fly
a snow white angel
i'd spread my wings to the sky
how i'd glide...

lady is a tramp...ella fitzgerald

but social circles spin too fast for me
my ho-bohemia is the place to be

i get too hungry for dinner at eight
i like the theater but never come late
i never bother with people i hate
that's why the lady is a tramp

i don't don't like crap games with barons and earls
won't go to harlem in ermine and pearls
won't dish the dirt with the rest of the girls
that's why the lady is a tramp

to my closest and dearest friends...i would love to sing you whistle down the wind one day. hopefully by a bonfire.

to my family...home is where the heart is.

and to my dearest love...though orange colored sky would suffice, mr beasley would be it.

you don't have to drive a fancy car
don't have to quote me shakespeare
just to woo me

yeah i see your nervous laughter
when you try to crack some joke
well you don't fool me

i'd like to see your eyes through those goggles that you're wearing
don't try to hide away...

just be yourself, mr beasley
i don't need your show-off attitude
cuz it's your soul that makes me
fall in love with you

you don't notice but i see you
in the church when you are praying
you just move me

and my friend sue she tells me
you've been teaching kids for free
mr philanthropy

i'd like to see your eyes through those goggles that you're wearing
don't try to hide away...

i really do want to sing this song to someone.

someone whom i haven't met.

or someone who's passed me by.

whichever the case, this song's for you.

good night my someone.

thank you sweetie.

thanks for being my rock.

sleep well, my baby brother.

i just realize that by this time of the night, i'd be too tired to blog.

i promise i'll blog tomorrow afternoon when i get home...

i will detail every emotion that's swimming through me.

i will try to.

i dreamed a dream of days gone by
when hope was high and life worth living
i dreamed that love would never die
i dreamed that god would be forgiving

then i was young and unafraid
when dreams were made and used and wasted
there was no ransom to be paid
no song unsung, no wine untasted

but the tigers come at night
with their voices soft as thunder
as they tear your hopes apart
as they turn your dreams to shame

he slept a summer by my side
he filled my days with endless wonder
he took my childhood in his stride
but he was gone when autumn came

and still i'd dream he'd come to me
and we would live the years together
but there are dreams that cannot be
and there are storms we cannot weather

i had a dream my life would be
so different from this hell i'm living
so different now from what it seemed...

now life has killed the dream i dreamed.

- i dreamed a dream, les miserable

the constant battle between feeling and pride is consuming me.

day by day, i find myself falling deeper into the depths of nothingness...emptiness...lovelessness.

it is so easy to run away.

i would never choose the easy way out, yet why must i be tempted to, time and again?

just yesterday i was filled with all the wonder of the world.

or at least i thought i was.

well...perhaps i wasn't, since i was thrown back into the realities of today.

the realities are so far from my ideals that i can't quite seem to grasp what's real.

today was hard in its own way.

to grapple with the feeling of loss seems like the hardest thing there is right now, though deep down, i know it's a mere hiccup.

the funniest thing is: i had tried to substitute that sense of feel with another kind of love.

i failed horribly.

as i watched the little one fall asleep by me today, i realized how deceitful i was.

i was deceiving EVERYONE!

i couldn't even bring myself to hug him before i left.

i couldn't even bring myself to meet his eyes.

i'm losing it...i'm losing my will to love the ones i'm hurting.

BUT I DON'T WANT TO!

please help me....please....please...please....

i'm crying out for help...but you can't hear me...

and even if you can, you wouldn't help me.

because...you, like me, are one and the same.

you want to run away too.

but, unlike you, i desperately need help...i believe at times you do too...

i need help now...i need someone to hold me and let me know i am loved.

i refuse to believe that i'll forever be left in my own little corner to weep alone.

hold me now please...

i can't be strong anymore.

i need to go. i'm sorry. i'm leaving.

i'm sorry jiahao. i'm so so sorry.

amazing how the day went without a glitch.

the night ended perfectly...with a hug from sweetie, and a whole lotta memories etched in my mind.

all in all, it was a perfect day.

to think i had wanted to spend this day alone...though, if i had, i probably would've gotten something outta it as well. but today was fun. we spent the whole day laughing...and i think the day took our minds off a whole lotta shit.

there were moments when i chanced upon each of them staring into space...presumably thinking of something else...and i have to admit that there were moments when i felt a stabs of pain.

while rushing back to kalm's to get something for aunt, i remembered how that was the place he first called me "his girlfriend"...and how i absolutely detested him for that.

thank god for elmo and grover, who accompanied me to the shop. for without them, i probably would've had to try a lot harder to push those thoughts away.

thank god for elmo, cookie, grover and big bird for making this day so perfect.

i'm glad big bird thought the same way.

i just hope grover "enjoyed" it as much as we did.

it sure felt warm to have him falling asleep on my shoulder.

i never thought i could feel so sisterly towards someone like him.

i never thought he'd let me in.

but as i hugged him good night...i realized how lucky i was...to have him in my life.

i don't know how long these fellas will be by my side, or how much more i can take...of everything.

but for now, i look forward to seeing those colored bottles we got...all decked out on the scout den tables - a symbol of our unity, strength and a wonderful 14th of February 2004.

happy valentine's day yingli, jianyi, jiahao and kt.

thank you for giving me such a perfect day.

i didn't manage to meet the 11.30am deadline today...oddly enough, i still feel somewhat satisfied with myself.

my usual perfectionist self would beat me up over such supposed "trivialities".

i guess today started out good, that's why.

as i cut through the blocks and headed to the mrt station, i encountered this old man walking his dog on the stairway. he paused as he descended the first few steps. as i continued to ascend, i noticed that he was pausing for me...to make sure that i could run up the flight of stairs without him and his golden retriever blocking.

that wasn't just it. as i looked up at him, he gave me one of the warmest smiles i've ever seen.

and because of that, no matter how stressed up internally i was, i felt calm and systematic (which hardly ever happens...).

with all the grumpy old men i've encountered in the mornings over the course of the past two weeks, this one changed everything.

if he could smile at a stranger so early in the morning, no one should be able to excuse themself because they "aren't morning people".

i will start smiling at people who meet my eyes from today.

imagine how just one simple gesture can make someone's day.

tears aren't so bad after all.

when you've had a good cry, all your frustrations and emotions just seem to dissipate.

i guess i've teared enough over the week...but somehow, those feelings of discontent and hurt still exist.

so i suppose crying is like drinking - it's temporary comfort. and everything just comes gushing back like a tsunami a while later.

before the show, i said i didn't want to fall in love. i guess i've never really verbalized it until today. and it's oddly sobering to hear the words come out of your own mouth. funny how regret seemed to take over as soon as the words came out of my mouth.

post "what matters most", i admit how no one can control falling in love. people may fall into comas and get amnesia, but no one can ever forget how he feels. your head may be blank, but your heart still beats. and i guess even if you can't remember loving a certain someone, your heart will beat slightly faster on seeing that person...and that'll make you wonder why.

so trying to forget is of no use. the more you try to do it, the less successful you are.

heed your own advice serene. don't rush things.

everything in its time.

angus and i sat at lau pa sat and talked over lunch.

he never fails to get me laughing, no matter how stressed or tired i am...so thanks uncle nick.

jixin called to ask me to some dance event at the NUS cultural center tomorrow night. i've yet to give him an answer on that.

then guess what? hong calls and asks me to the same thing. and when i told him someone just asked me, he sounded all pissed and is probably wondering why the hell i'm making up so many excuses to say no to him.

funnily enough, jixin and hong both asked me out for this saturday as well....it'll be funny if the lot of us were to bump into them somewhere outside on the 14th...haha...what with grover, cookie and big bird in tow...

i guess that's why valentine's day has never been an issue for me. i've never wanted it to be.

it's like...sometimes i lament about how i ain't asked out like other girls are...then i realize...it's not that i don't get asked, it's more like i don't want to go out.

phew...what a "startling" realization.

i need to sleep...

i would never have expected anyone to question the existence of the SSTT.

for the unconverted and ignorant, the SSTT is the Sesame Street Tag Team.

when i told the other guys about this fella who asked why we existed, they were shocked.

but since someone had posted that question to me, i shall answer.

the sstt came about pretty naturally...there was no effort at all in forming it. and i believe that bonding starts at the bottom...if we can start bonding as a small group and we succeed, and people see that we succeed, it's a fantastic example of what we're about. and that's what ycsog is - we stick by each other. because it's our unity that makes us so special. that's what we want to see from the boys...as well as educate and equip them with more skills...expose them to what other scouts are doing, so they won't feel as left out. i'm not saying we can do it, but we will try.

there you go.

elmo asked if there was a need to justify our existence.

i guess not.

we need to be so comfortable with each other that while we don't need to be updated on everything each of us does, we need to be able to trust each other to make the right decisions.

as i've told them...over time, the name "sstt" will be changed to "ycsog".

because we build bonds that will never break.

i had so wanted to just crash into a deep slumber.

i had wanted to forget about the happenings of the past week, as well as this morning.

but now...i want to remember this night for a long time to come.

tonight, a little boy made me an innocent, yet significant promise.

this boy has been going through shit of late, yet he's been a total rock for me...keeping me from falling and all.

he'd walk with me to yangzheng much earlier than he was supposed to be there.

he'd stay in the scout den with me while i would be rushing through my work feverishly.

he'd offer me that great smile of his...which was especially helpful when i broke down today.

today was an emotional rollercoaster ride. i don't even know how i got through the day...or the morning.

first thing this morning felt like i was transported back to camp new hope in mcgregor, minnesota.

my cookie friend acted up and started punching everything in sight.

frankly, i was scared shitless. but i somehow managed to run after him and stopped him from doing a few stupid things. nevertheless, he still ended up with bleeding knuckles.

then after, things seemed to be fine until, once again, i got angry at a particular person and couldn't even bear to speak to him anymore. i guess everything just came at me and i couldn't handle it. the moment i sat down, i started tearing and soon, mere tears turned to breathless sobs.

let's cut to the chase. after i got home at about 6 plus in the evening, i got an sms from the little boy.

he asked if i was all right, and asked me to keep smiling. to which...i replied i was fine then, and told him not to worry.

he then replied that he really wants to give me a hug. i told him i really needed a hug then (much earlier), but i'm fine now and thanks for the thought anyways.

then he said it was because i cared so much for him that he wants to return that care. and he can't bear to see me sad.

that did it for me. but there's more...

during the course of the past 3 hours or so, he's been pouring his troubles to me, at the same time, trying to keep me from falling.

i knew he was depressed because his msn nick was changed to "i am crashing". he was feeling too stressed up by surrounding circumstances.

i guess we just tried to lift each other up...and i told him i that i don't know how much longer i can stand "caring", because i was afraid i'd crumble from the weight of other people's problems one day.

he said not to worry, for he'll be there. and he'll hold me up when i'm about to fall.

so i ask what if i crumble without warning. and he says i cannot simply crumble because he needs me to hold him when he's falling as well.

so yes...we agreed to remind each other how we'd get through this period of sadness and tough times together.

we agreed to be there to hug each other when the going gets tough.

and his simple promise was evident in his new nick: "although i may be crashing, but i will still be there for you".

i love you little one.

and for you, i will not fall.

been way too busy and fucked up to write the past few days.

again, he's made me dive head-first down into the depths of emotionless purgatory from the high point i was at.

i hate this.

i don't need to be treated like this.

i don't owe anyone anything.

wait...maybe i do.

i owe myself aplenty.

i guess this 14th of february is gonna be a non-issue, just like the other seemingly big days in other people's lives.

there's the birthday...the various celebratory holidays...then the anniversaries.

i do not celebrate any of these purely because there's nothing to celebrate.

i'm one of those people who feel extremely low when other people jump for joy when christmas comes by.

never in my life have i ever received, nor given a valentine. so hell...i shouldn't even be contemplating anything this year. oh, by the way, i was disappointed again. it felt painful for a while, then i chided myself...managed to keep from feeling stupidly weak.

i've decided. no matter how badly i had hoped to go for that concert with someone, i think i'll go alone. if not for the concert, at least for a walk down the waterfront. i need to remind myself how stupid it is to feel so victimized. i need to be able to walk with my head held high in the sea of cookie-cutter models.

i need to be strong. i need to be.

but if all those dates are non-issues, why am i ranting about them all the time?

and why do i cry whenever they swing by?

"i hope he doesn't disappoint you anymore" - cookie.

the way i see it, i've been setting myself up for disappointment after disappointment all this while.

i always knew that it's never going to occur, but somehow, i'd allow people around to convince me of the good that's in him.

of course, i know there's good in him.

cookie says he doesn't understand him. he's known him for almost 7 years and he realizes he doesn't know him...odd thing is he thinks he knows me better.

i guess most of the guys do know him for what he is - cocky, casanova, every girl's dream date.

what they don't get is the man i see - still cocky, pained, confused, scared shitless, coward, clueless when it comes to the people he loves.

he's not my dream date. he may think he's a casanova, but not in my books.

but the fact remains that he won me over. and that's something to think about.

what the hell serene?

check this out...i'm freaked.


Your wings are BROKEN and tattered. You are
an angelic spirit who has fallen from grace for
one reason or another - possibly, you made one
tragic mistake that cost you everything. Or
maybe you were blamed for a crime you didn't
commit. In any case, you are faithless and
joyless. You find no happiness, love, or
acceptance in your love or in yourself. Most
days are a burden and you wonder when the
hurting will end. Sweet, beautiful and
sorrowful, you paint a tragic and touching
picture. You are the one that few understand.
Those that do know you are likely to love you
deeply and wish that they could do something to
ease your pain. You are constantly living in
memories of better times and a better world.
You are hard on yourself and self-critical or
self-loathing. Feeling rejected and unloved,
you are sensitive, caring, deep, and despite
your tainted nature, your soul is
breathtakingly beautiful.


*~*~*Claim Your Wings - Pics and Long Answers*~*~*
brought to you by Quizilla

last night was the zenith. it was pure craziness.

jas, yingli and i went for a movie...and a midnight one at that.

it was fun...and this is the kinda bonding i hope we call can have.

big daddy fenix said he's never talked to anyone in YCS the same way he's spoken to me. and he's glad that we mesh so well.

well i'm glad too big C (the cookie monster).

he said they never had that much bonding in the past...and that it's different now.

i'm thinking everything that's happening now isn't coerced, and that it's all pretty natural. i guess we just feel so comfortable with each other we can dispense with all that formality crap.

yingli had wanted to keep me out till i was totally exhausted so i'd just go home and crash...and not think about anything else. i'm glad i stayed out.

cuz the moment i woke up this morning...all those thoughts came flooding right back...haha.

big C and i spent quite a bit chatting. and i asked jiahao as well if he thinks i'm real. he said he doesn't know.

what he did say though...was how sisterly i was...haha.

yingli...both cookie monster and i have agreed to let you into the sesame street gang. we sorta agree that you're the "elmo" type...but please feel free to tell us who your favorite character is so we can bestow its name upon you...haha. don't worry, we won't judge...haha.

let our sesame street spirit be so widespread no one ever knew hatred...

sunny day, sweeping the clouds away
on my way, to where the air is sweet
can you tell me how to get
how to get to sesame street...