BAILAMOS
three dances for the evening.
that's all.
and that's enough to get me smiling =)
thank you salsa baby.
Friday, December 31, 2004
Thursday, December 30, 2004
FROM A DISTANCE
i can't even remember the last time i watched sex and the city.
before today, that is.
the marathon probably perpetuated the lethargy but heck...i damn well needed it.
there seemed to be an awful lotta quotable quotes from carrie bradshaw season six. part one.
one being:
do we need distance to get close?
i've been hearing of couples taking breaks from one another, hoping that the short time apart could help them realize what they want.
well honey, if you can figure out what you REALLY want in a week, then good for you.
chances are, you'll either 1) head back into the relationship because the level of comfort instills a false sense of belonging; or 2) break up with the fella in the interim simply because you don't know why you're taking the break in the first place.
of course, there could be other possibilities, but these are the two i've seen of late.
flying gave me a hell lotta space.
sure...it was tough having a full-blown cry just before going on a flight and pretending everything's rosy-posey, but once you're outta the country, you've got SPACE.
and if it's a trans-atlantic flight, you've got TIME as well.
foreign air and isolation can do a lotta things to a person. good things, for me.
like a scene straight outta a movie, i'd be walking along fifth avenue and smiling to myself.
i'd head back home refreshed and somewhat more clear-headed.
plus, being away from home also meant that people would think twice about giving you grief because they see you less often.
or perhaps they just don't have that much time to give you grief. hmm.
i see many many trips to my favorite place in singapore in the horizon.
let's just hope bach grows on me after a while. yuck.
i can't even remember the last time i watched sex and the city.
before today, that is.
the marathon probably perpetuated the lethargy but heck...i damn well needed it.
there seemed to be an awful lotta quotable quotes from carrie bradshaw season six. part one.
one being:
do we need distance to get close?
i've been hearing of couples taking breaks from one another, hoping that the short time apart could help them realize what they want.
well honey, if you can figure out what you REALLY want in a week, then good for you.
chances are, you'll either 1) head back into the relationship because the level of comfort instills a false sense of belonging; or 2) break up with the fella in the interim simply because you don't know why you're taking the break in the first place.
of course, there could be other possibilities, but these are the two i've seen of late.
flying gave me a hell lotta space.
sure...it was tough having a full-blown cry just before going on a flight and pretending everything's rosy-posey, but once you're outta the country, you've got SPACE.
and if it's a trans-atlantic flight, you've got TIME as well.
foreign air and isolation can do a lotta things to a person. good things, for me.
like a scene straight outta a movie, i'd be walking along fifth avenue and smiling to myself.
i'd head back home refreshed and somewhat more clear-headed.
plus, being away from home also meant that people would think twice about giving you grief because they see you less often.
or perhaps they just don't have that much time to give you grief. hmm.
i see many many trips to my favorite place in singapore in the horizon.
let's just hope bach grows on me after a while. yuck.
DOS GARDENIAS
...para ti.
con ellas quiero decir.
te quiero, te adoro, mi vida.
i mourn for the entry i have just removed.
but this event will stay deeply etched in my heart, for this is the FIRST TIME i have been obligated to do so.
taking down that entry went against every de-oxygenated blood carrying vessel in me.
but i HAD TO. because they insinuated just that strongly that i HAD TO.
i weep for those who think i'm warped.
i'm am a living, breathing human being.
i cry sometimes, when rain falls upon my skin. because i can feel it. because i am alive.
I AM ALIVE.
it sure is liberating...saying it out loud.
when people get so focused on a certain something, they simply refuse to see things any other way.
now i tend to provide a flip side to everything. there's no good or bad, just a flip side.
i get irked when people then start their responses with "but you can't look at it this way..."
why can't i?
if you can see it one way, why can't i see it the other?
is it that wrong of me to see it this way, and not the other?
and then they'll say "look...you are getting this all wrong..."
thank you for, time and again, telling me that i am wrong.
and so, i weep for those who claim to understand me but refuse to accept the way i think.
and...
i hold a moment's silence for myself.
for not being able to take care of myself...again.
can the words "selfish" and "love" be in the same sentence?
as in...how can it not be selfish to ask for love?
you are asking me to love you...being fully aware that i am in no state to do so right now (because i told you). you must know that deep down, i still possess that kinda love. now's just not the time for me to express it.
so knowing how much pain i'm in, you're openly asking me to love you.
i tell you i can't.
you tell me to love you, again.
i said "let me be selfish for this once so i can take care of myself first".
you, again, TELL me to love you.
so i posed this question to you...
"isn't it selfish of you now, knowing that my wellbeing is at stake, and still literally forcing me to do something i'm incapable of doing right now?"
and you said...
"but asking for love is not selfish."
why isn't it?
after all, you ARE asking for something. something that you know is hard for me to produce at this point.
if you are forcing it out of me, aren't you thinking of yourself still? you want me to say "yes, i will love you" because it will, essentially, make you feel better.
HOW IS ASKING SOMEONE, WHO IS INCAPABLE OF GIVING THAT PART OF HER, FOR LOVE NOT A SELFISH ACT?
you think "selfish" is an ugly word.
let me be ugly then. call me whatever you want to. just let me be for a while.
i lay down two gardenias for my reality.
i am sorry for the people who discount you.
...para ti.
con ellas quiero decir.
te quiero, te adoro, mi vida.
i mourn for the entry i have just removed.
but this event will stay deeply etched in my heart, for this is the FIRST TIME i have been obligated to do so.
taking down that entry went against every de-oxygenated blood carrying vessel in me.
but i HAD TO. because they insinuated just that strongly that i HAD TO.
i weep for those who think i'm warped.
i'm am a living, breathing human being.
i cry sometimes, when rain falls upon my skin. because i can feel it. because i am alive.
I AM ALIVE.
it sure is liberating...saying it out loud.
when people get so focused on a certain something, they simply refuse to see things any other way.
now i tend to provide a flip side to everything. there's no good or bad, just a flip side.
i get irked when people then start their responses with "but you can't look at it this way..."
why can't i?
if you can see it one way, why can't i see it the other?
is it that wrong of me to see it this way, and not the other?
and then they'll say "look...you are getting this all wrong..."
thank you for, time and again, telling me that i am wrong.
and so, i weep for those who claim to understand me but refuse to accept the way i think.
and...
i hold a moment's silence for myself.
for not being able to take care of myself...again.
can the words "selfish" and "love" be in the same sentence?
as in...how can it not be selfish to ask for love?
you are asking me to love you...being fully aware that i am in no state to do so right now (because i told you). you must know that deep down, i still possess that kinda love. now's just not the time for me to express it.
so knowing how much pain i'm in, you're openly asking me to love you.
i tell you i can't.
you tell me to love you, again.
i said "let me be selfish for this once so i can take care of myself first".
you, again, TELL me to love you.
so i posed this question to you...
"isn't it selfish of you now, knowing that my wellbeing is at stake, and still literally forcing me to do something i'm incapable of doing right now?"
and you said...
"but asking for love is not selfish."
why isn't it?
after all, you ARE asking for something. something that you know is hard for me to produce at this point.
if you are forcing it out of me, aren't you thinking of yourself still? you want me to say "yes, i will love you" because it will, essentially, make you feel better.
HOW IS ASKING SOMEONE, WHO IS INCAPABLE OF GIVING THAT PART OF HER, FOR LOVE NOT A SELFISH ACT?
you think "selfish" is an ugly word.
let me be ugly then. call me whatever you want to. just let me be for a while.
i lay down two gardenias for my reality.
i am sorry for the people who discount you.
Wednesday, December 29, 2004
SILENCIO
esta muriendo.
that is, without a doubt, the most beautiful thing.
silence is.
in absence of him, i want to hear mel torme, dave brubeck, eva cassidy.
i wonder if it takes true self-awareness to be at peace with him.
he is not an external environment. he exists within me.
i remember the recent evening when the noise of the world just died down...leaving just us two to enjoy each other's presence.
i closed my eyes and allowed him to caress my cheek. i breathed in his musky scent. i gave in to him totally.
it was 10 minutes of sheer bliss.
han lim asked if i was at peace. and i said, "oddly, yes."
since christmas eve, he has made fleeting appearances...never staying long enough for me to savor him entirely. just always reminding me that he is right around the corner.
it's a blessing to be so honest with myself. but yes, it gets a little hard at times.
with silencio, i get by a little easier.
people who do not see our strong connection do not realize how important spending time with him is.
i don't blame them really.
modern living has created such noise in our lives that it has become our reality. and when silencio visits, he becomes a disturbance rather than a welcomed presence.
and so, i am deemed "unique" because i embrace him.
i get thrown off when people bust in, while i'm having a quiet conversation with him. but because i am aware of my reality, and theirs, i do not berate them for doing so.
i can only hope that one day, these people will learn to appreciate that my reality is, essentially, as real as theirs.
i hope that when they do realize that, they would allow us to finish our chat before bursting in.
please try not to judge me.
but if you must, at least enter my reality before you do.
esta muriendo.
that is, without a doubt, the most beautiful thing.
silence is.
in absence of him, i want to hear mel torme, dave brubeck, eva cassidy.
i wonder if it takes true self-awareness to be at peace with him.
he is not an external environment. he exists within me.
i remember the recent evening when the noise of the world just died down...leaving just us two to enjoy each other's presence.
i closed my eyes and allowed him to caress my cheek. i breathed in his musky scent. i gave in to him totally.
it was 10 minutes of sheer bliss.
han lim asked if i was at peace. and i said, "oddly, yes."
since christmas eve, he has made fleeting appearances...never staying long enough for me to savor him entirely. just always reminding me that he is right around the corner.
it's a blessing to be so honest with myself. but yes, it gets a little hard at times.
with silencio, i get by a little easier.
people who do not see our strong connection do not realize how important spending time with him is.
i don't blame them really.
modern living has created such noise in our lives that it has become our reality. and when silencio visits, he becomes a disturbance rather than a welcomed presence.
and so, i am deemed "unique" because i embrace him.
i get thrown off when people bust in, while i'm having a quiet conversation with him. but because i am aware of my reality, and theirs, i do not berate them for doing so.
i can only hope that one day, these people will learn to appreciate that my reality is, essentially, as real as theirs.
i hope that when they do realize that, they would allow us to finish our chat before bursting in.
please try not to judge me.
but if you must, at least enter my reality before you do.
ON THE LINE
a new visitor to the blog is afraid that i'm getting myself into trouble by all my writing.
let's see...isn't that topic passe?
am i defaming anyone? no.
do i mean to hurt anyone? no.
am i in danger of having someone take advantage of me through this priviledged information? unfortunately, yes.
and i'm still willing to take the risk. because i'd like to think the people around me have no malicious intent. period.
but i'm not naive, or stupid...if you haven't realized that already.
(note that in the last two paragraphs, i have highlighted my optimism and street-wisdom.)
the above note is for the people who DO NOT understand my writing.
so i'm angsty. big deal.
is it so wrong for a 23-year-old female to whine about her life without actually whining about it?
shouldn't the world thank it's lucky stars for one less druggie and alcoholic, and for one young person full of conviction in life?
my writing is all about my life. and my adventures. and that's all there is to it.
if reading it, for some reason, scares the shit outta you, you know the way out. and there's no need to pay me lip service, thank you.
(as if that isn't a disclaimer enough.)
ultimately, my blog is really not an interesting read for the people who don't know me.
plus, there're only about five people who read this...regularly.
someone recently told me that i only want to surround myself with strong characters and cast the weak ones aside.
now, if that were true, i would've cast that someone away a long long time ago.
BUT HAVE I?
HAVE I?
a new visitor to the blog is afraid that i'm getting myself into trouble by all my writing.
let's see...isn't that topic passe?
am i defaming anyone? no.
do i mean to hurt anyone? no.
am i in danger of having someone take advantage of me through this priviledged information? unfortunately, yes.
and i'm still willing to take the risk. because i'd like to think the people around me have no malicious intent. period.
but i'm not naive, or stupid...if you haven't realized that already.
(note that in the last two paragraphs, i have highlighted my optimism and street-wisdom.)
the above note is for the people who DO NOT understand my writing.
so i'm angsty. big deal.
is it so wrong for a 23-year-old female to whine about her life without actually whining about it?
shouldn't the world thank it's lucky stars for one less druggie and alcoholic, and for one young person full of conviction in life?
my writing is all about my life. and my adventures. and that's all there is to it.
if reading it, for some reason, scares the shit outta you, you know the way out. and there's no need to pay me lip service, thank you.
(as if that isn't a disclaimer enough.)
ultimately, my blog is really not an interesting read for the people who don't know me.
plus, there're only about five people who read this...regularly.
someone recently told me that i only want to surround myself with strong characters and cast the weak ones aside.
now, if that were true, i would've cast that someone away a long long time ago.
BUT HAVE I?
HAVE I?
IT'S MY LIFE
...and it ain't sanitized.
has a nice ring to it, no?
(jac was talking about naughty jokes in the office and how someone has this "holier than thou" attitude towards that kinda thing...BAH. bring on the laughter people!)
jac and i had a fantastic dinner at jerry's.
her first alcohol-free night for a long time coming. and i'm glad to be contributing to that...though i'm not so sure she appreciated me sharing that strawberries and cream crepe with her after. haha.
with jac, everything just seems so familiar. we haven't actually sat down and spoken to each other like that for nine months.
this was the first time we sat down alone, and talked. and boy, did we talk.
we're at different stages of our lives and we live very differently. but we seemed to have converged at the point of...you know what? i don't even know how to describe it.
we can relate to each other, that's all. and it's not like we've gone through the same things.
i suppose we've been pre-judged by people way too many times to know that we shouldn't be judging each other.
i'm glad she's moving on with her life now.
and i know she knows i'm doing good.
even if she didn't say anything. =)
...and it ain't sanitized.
has a nice ring to it, no?
(jac was talking about naughty jokes in the office and how someone has this "holier than thou" attitude towards that kinda thing...BAH. bring on the laughter people!)
jac and i had a fantastic dinner at jerry's.
her first alcohol-free night for a long time coming. and i'm glad to be contributing to that...though i'm not so sure she appreciated me sharing that strawberries and cream crepe with her after. haha.
with jac, everything just seems so familiar. we haven't actually sat down and spoken to each other like that for nine months.
this was the first time we sat down alone, and talked. and boy, did we talk.
we're at different stages of our lives and we live very differently. but we seemed to have converged at the point of...you know what? i don't even know how to describe it.
we can relate to each other, that's all. and it's not like we've gone through the same things.
i suppose we've been pre-judged by people way too many times to know that we shouldn't be judging each other.
i'm glad she's moving on with her life now.
and i know she knows i'm doing good.
even if she didn't say anything. =)
Monday, December 27, 2004
SUNSHINE
"maybe we could spend some time, i can be your sunshine"
little romeo sent me home today =)
thanks francis baby.
we didn't exactly get to catch up, but hey...we did spend some time together. at least for the cab ride back we did.
you never fail to get me smiling.
francis and i met up at the east area leaders' gathering. yes it's a scouts thing.
it felt odd being there...like i had no business there. thankfully, i had a whole group of people to hang out with. and i JUST HAD TO do a little salsa with bubba.
the gang is slowly being converted to my dancing interests.
so there we were, standing in front of the pool, with me teaching them how to shine!
i finally bought Jazz In The City, but as a gift for the exchange at the party earlier.
i kept looking to see who got it...because i'd be seriously miffed if it went to someone who wouldn't appreciate it. couldn't catch hold of the fella though.
i had so wanted to keep it for myself...haha.
well, 20 bucks in my borders card and a 15% discount storewide...
BORDERS HERE I COME!
"maybe we could spend some time, i can be your sunshine"
little romeo sent me home today =)
thanks francis baby.
we didn't exactly get to catch up, but hey...we did spend some time together. at least for the cab ride back we did.
you never fail to get me smiling.
francis and i met up at the east area leaders' gathering. yes it's a scouts thing.
it felt odd being there...like i had no business there. thankfully, i had a whole group of people to hang out with. and i JUST HAD TO do a little salsa with bubba.
the gang is slowly being converted to my dancing interests.
so there we were, standing in front of the pool, with me teaching them how to shine!
i finally bought Jazz In The City, but as a gift for the exchange at the party earlier.
i kept looking to see who got it...because i'd be seriously miffed if it went to someone who wouldn't appreciate it. couldn't catch hold of the fella though.
i had so wanted to keep it for myself...haha.
well, 20 bucks in my borders card and a 15% discount storewide...
BORDERS HERE I COME!
Saturday, December 25, 2004
IF YOU DIDN'T LOVE ME
countdown to corrinne may: song number two.
If every drop of water disappeared from the land
And every drop of ocean suddenly turned to sand
That would all be nothing compared to what I'd feel
If you didn't love me.
What if I woke up and couldn't hear a sound
And all that I could see was darkness all around
That would still be nothing compared to what I'd feel
If you didn't love me.
If I could have the world and all that money could buy
Then I could travel far beyond the moon and the sky
If they gave me golden wings but I still couldn't fly
Without you, nothing would matter.
You and I walk beside each other day after day
But there's so much inside me I never get to say
My life would be so empty, with nothing left to feel
If you didn't love me...
...if you didn't love me.
i truly appreciate your concern for my heart.
and if, he should ask me out again, i shall not refuse him. after all, he's still the nice guy i thought he was. and i've got a newfound respect for him as well, as someone who's been through what i'm going through now.
even if i got home at just past eight, yesterday has got to be one of the most memorable christmas eves i've had in a long while.
it was catharsis at its best.
so i got home, ate a huge plate of fried rice, turkey, ham and salmon sashimi...and watched south park with my brother.
and, of course, phone-chatted with my home girl who never stops trying to fix me up. she's coolness.
i think i've got a lot to be thankful for this christmas.
it's been a very good year.
countdown to corrinne may: song number two.
If every drop of water disappeared from the land
And every drop of ocean suddenly turned to sand
That would all be nothing compared to what I'd feel
If you didn't love me.
What if I woke up and couldn't hear a sound
And all that I could see was darkness all around
That would still be nothing compared to what I'd feel
If you didn't love me.
If I could have the world and all that money could buy
Then I could travel far beyond the moon and the sky
If they gave me golden wings but I still couldn't fly
Without you, nothing would matter.
You and I walk beside each other day after day
But there's so much inside me I never get to say
My life would be so empty, with nothing left to feel
If you didn't love me...
...if you didn't love me.
i truly appreciate your concern for my heart.
and if, he should ask me out again, i shall not refuse him. after all, he's still the nice guy i thought he was. and i've got a newfound respect for him as well, as someone who's been through what i'm going through now.
even if i got home at just past eight, yesterday has got to be one of the most memorable christmas eves i've had in a long while.
it was catharsis at its best.
so i got home, ate a huge plate of fried rice, turkey, ham and salmon sashimi...and watched south park with my brother.
and, of course, phone-chatted with my home girl who never stops trying to fix me up. she's coolness.
i think i've got a lot to be thankful for this christmas.
it's been a very good year.
Friday, December 24, 2004
YOU CAN DO MAGIC
or not.
it all ended today.
yes, after the evening came to an end.
how ironic is it for my crush to come to a crashing halt, the day i actually went out with the guy?
and i told him that i HAD a crush on him.
at the end of the evening, of course.
no it was not a bad afternoon.
we went to the botero exhibition at SAM, hung out for a bit at the esplanade and had a long chat at coffee bean.
hell...we even played the 10 bucks game! and i'm ashamed to say that HE WON!
we had a very good time together.
and it ended peacefully, as he sent me back home on the bus.
i guess i set him thinking about a lotta stuff.
it should be interesting to hear what he says the next time we meet.
if we do meet, of course.
what a day.
what a good day.
or not.
it all ended today.
yes, after the evening came to an end.
how ironic is it for my crush to come to a crashing halt, the day i actually went out with the guy?
and i told him that i HAD a crush on him.
at the end of the evening, of course.
no it was not a bad afternoon.
we went to the botero exhibition at SAM, hung out for a bit at the esplanade and had a long chat at coffee bean.
hell...we even played the 10 bucks game! and i'm ashamed to say that HE WON!
we had a very good time together.
and it ended peacefully, as he sent me back home on the bus.
i guess i set him thinking about a lotta stuff.
it should be interesting to hear what he says the next time we meet.
if we do meet, of course.
what a day.
what a good day.
i am feeling weary...numb...bordering sad.
i kinda wish i had never headed out tonight.
loneliness engulfed me the moment i stepped into union.
the moment eddie greeted me cheerily, i thought "shit...what the hell am i doing here?"
of course, the moment i started dancing, i felt better.
though when i stopped, i just fell back down to nothingness.
tonight reminded me that physical companionship doesn't do jack if your soul's unfulfilled.
my favorite part of the evening was the cab ride back.
yes...that's how bad i felt for most of the night.
kinda brings me back to the time i was headed back to singapore.
i suppose this is characteristic of life, and that the journey should always be the focal point of it all when it comes to achieving goals.
i felt like such a bimbo this evening.
and to top it all off, i simply allowed people who stereotyped me to keep that thought.
i was simply too tired and miffed to even defend myself.
to dance, dance, dance was all i wanted to do because i didn't want to talk to anyone.
i'm feeling down.
i kinda wish i had never headed out tonight.
loneliness engulfed me the moment i stepped into union.
the moment eddie greeted me cheerily, i thought "shit...what the hell am i doing here?"
of course, the moment i started dancing, i felt better.
though when i stopped, i just fell back down to nothingness.
tonight reminded me that physical companionship doesn't do jack if your soul's unfulfilled.
my favorite part of the evening was the cab ride back.
yes...that's how bad i felt for most of the night.
kinda brings me back to the time i was headed back to singapore.
i suppose this is characteristic of life, and that the journey should always be the focal point of it all when it comes to achieving goals.
i felt like such a bimbo this evening.
and to top it all off, i simply allowed people who stereotyped me to keep that thought.
i was simply too tired and miffed to even defend myself.
to dance, dance, dance was all i wanted to do because i didn't want to talk to anyone.
i'm feeling down.
Thursday, December 23, 2004
STAY ON THE ROAD
and now begins the countdown to corrinne may on new year's eve...starting with this ditty...
Don't turn your laughing eyes away
You know I love you
There's no need to be afraid
Hearts are made to be broken
They get stronger by the day
I'll take a chance and drop all my defences
Just to hear you say
How long is the road
How long is the ride
How long is the darkness till we get to the light
Go easy on me
Cuz you already know
No matter the distance
I'll stay on the road to your heart.
You say I've been a fool too long
I wonder why I
Had the strength to carry on
I see through your weakness
You're a tough guy
I have met
It's really not that hard or complicated
There's no need to ask...
How long is the road
How long is the ride
How long is the darkness till we get to the light
Go easy on me
Cuz you already know
No matter the distance
I'll stay on the road to your heart.
i had this song on "repeat" mode on my iPod while on the way home...and was extremely inspired by these two lines:
It's really not that hard or complicated
There's no need to ask...
so...if tomorrow goes all right, i'm just gonna bite the bullet and do something i've NEVER done: ask a fella out.
corrinne may's right.
this shouldn't be complicated at all.
in any case, hearts are made to be broken, aren't they?
i'm keeping my fingers crossed.
perhaps i'll finally have the guts to go through with this.
and now begins the countdown to corrinne may on new year's eve...starting with this ditty...
Don't turn your laughing eyes away
You know I love you
There's no need to be afraid
Hearts are made to be broken
They get stronger by the day
I'll take a chance and drop all my defences
Just to hear you say
How long is the road
How long is the ride
How long is the darkness till we get to the light
Go easy on me
Cuz you already know
No matter the distance
I'll stay on the road to your heart.
You say I've been a fool too long
I wonder why I
Had the strength to carry on
I see through your weakness
You're a tough guy
I have met
It's really not that hard or complicated
There's no need to ask...
How long is the road
How long is the ride
How long is the darkness till we get to the light
Go easy on me
Cuz you already know
No matter the distance
I'll stay on the road to your heart.
i had this song on "repeat" mode on my iPod while on the way home...and was extremely inspired by these two lines:
It's really not that hard or complicated
There's no need to ask...
so...if tomorrow goes all right, i'm just gonna bite the bullet and do something i've NEVER done: ask a fella out.
corrinne may's right.
this shouldn't be complicated at all.
in any case, hearts are made to be broken, aren't they?
i'm keeping my fingers crossed.
perhaps i'll finally have the guts to go through with this.
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
LITTLE SUPERHERO GIRL
little superhero girl needs to take a breather before the season passes her by.
she needs to get out from under her cape.
she needs to face the ever-needing-saving world with renewed gusto.
superhumans are self-confessed perfectionistas, so can she ever live a normal life?
would she ever be able to blend in?
can she go out with someone other than little superhero boy?
she can never blend in because she's a star...and was born to shine (though her version of shining is really more like sticking out, rather than being exceptional).
she's tried being normal, but still, she can never fade into the background.
normal's boring...and though some might've passed her by, others who know her will see that she's anything but.
she continues to stay the reluctant star she is.
but because of her starlight, would someone other than little superhero boy see her for who she is?
and would he accept her for her gifts?
if he knew what she could do, would he take a step back and go down to the store for something normal?
little superhero girl has done a whole lot of saving today and needs sleep.
normality is finally able to set in.
little superhero girl needs to take a breather before the season passes her by.
she needs to get out from under her cape.
she needs to face the ever-needing-saving world with renewed gusto.
superhumans are self-confessed perfectionistas, so can she ever live a normal life?
would she ever be able to blend in?
can she go out with someone other than little superhero boy?
she can never blend in because she's a star...and was born to shine (though her version of shining is really more like sticking out, rather than being exceptional).
she's tried being normal, but still, she can never fade into the background.
normal's boring...and though some might've passed her by, others who know her will see that she's anything but.
she continues to stay the reluctant star she is.
but because of her starlight, would someone other than little superhero boy see her for who she is?
and would he accept her for her gifts?
if he knew what she could do, would he take a step back and go down to the store for something normal?
little superhero girl has done a whole lot of saving today and needs sleep.
normality is finally able to set in.
Sunday, December 19, 2004
SAVE ME...PLEASE.
serene is the strong one.
she cannot cry when others are.
i had this long entry planned out in my head when my dad stepped into the room.
he started talking about our predicament and what could happen when.
so i just had to ask this:
"so is going away out of the question?"
and that sparked off a whole barrage of stuff. a lengthy discussion that ended with him leaving my room and saying "thank you".
the tears started falling the moment the door closed behind him. my tears, rather.
i must've cried for a full 40 minutes because my eyes are now puffy, bordering swollen.
so i'm not over it yet. but i will be.
i still need some time.
i foresee the signing of my new contract will be a very emotional ocassion.
and so will my birthday. because it'll be yet another birthday spent here.
i suppose this is how people lose faith...in faith itself.
the polar express spelt everything out perfectly.
"SEEING IS BELIEVING," said the conductor.
for close to eight years...i've not seen it. so how can i believe it?
i refuse to accept that it isn't my time yet.
i've had enough of this...let's move along...
IT'S JUST A LITTLE CRUSH
not like i'll faint everytime we touch...
question: aren't crushes meant to be fleeting? like...a crush should be over in, say, a couple of weeks mostest?
i'm giving myself a couple more weeks to determine if this is a crush, or not.
if it is, good.
if it's more than a simple crush...well, we'll see about that then.
i've got two camps of advisors here.
the first one tells me to bite the bullet and go for it.
the second's telling me to hang on for a bit.
oh well, i've made my choice to chicken out for a bit.
MY GIRL
You know, I wasn't kidding when I said I like you. But you already know that. You're an attractive and interesting person.
But like you. For me, it will pass in time. I hope.
Your friends like you. Complete strangers like me like you. Why don't you accept the fact that he will like you?
- KEVIN.
kevin: you're the fourth in line who's posed that question.
the first was thomas, the second, melvin, and the third...ashley.
thomas and i didn't get off to a good start. he'd talk to everyone else but me. but we've gotten over that phase and he now teases me to no end, especially when it comes to THE CRUSHEE.
he almost blurted it out to THE CRUSHEE. fortuntely, he was just being extremely cheeky with me and finished off his sentence with a "forget it...later i get hantamed by someone."
now melvin (while THE CRUSHEE was settling down on the stool beside me) asked "how do you know it's not mutual?"
my response? "i just have this strange feeling that it isn't. now can we please stop talking about it?"
whether they were just having fun with me or were actually trying to be nice, i'm glad they were there with me last night.
with that, i'm thankful for all the "big brother" figures i have in my life. and for the little-brothers-who-act-like-big-brothers as well.
check out the brotherhood:
that's me, jason, ray, aunt and kt...
jas and i acting all couply...NOT!
i suppose it's time for this tomboy to grow up.
serene is the strong one.
she cannot cry when others are.
i had this long entry planned out in my head when my dad stepped into the room.
he started talking about our predicament and what could happen when.
so i just had to ask this:
"so is going away out of the question?"
and that sparked off a whole barrage of stuff. a lengthy discussion that ended with him leaving my room and saying "thank you".
the tears started falling the moment the door closed behind him. my tears, rather.
i must've cried for a full 40 minutes because my eyes are now puffy, bordering swollen.
so i'm not over it yet. but i will be.
i still need some time.
i foresee the signing of my new contract will be a very emotional ocassion.
and so will my birthday. because it'll be yet another birthday spent here.
i suppose this is how people lose faith...in faith itself.
the polar express spelt everything out perfectly.
"SEEING IS BELIEVING," said the conductor.
for close to eight years...i've not seen it. so how can i believe it?
i refuse to accept that it isn't my time yet.
i've had enough of this...let's move along...
IT'S JUST A LITTLE CRUSH
not like i'll faint everytime we touch...
question: aren't crushes meant to be fleeting? like...a crush should be over in, say, a couple of weeks mostest?
i'm giving myself a couple more weeks to determine if this is a crush, or not.
if it is, good.
if it's more than a simple crush...well, we'll see about that then.
i've got two camps of advisors here.
the first one tells me to bite the bullet and go for it.
the second's telling me to hang on for a bit.
oh well, i've made my choice to chicken out for a bit.
MY GIRL
You know, I wasn't kidding when I said I like you. But you already know that. You're an attractive and interesting person.
But like you. For me, it will pass in time. I hope.
Your friends like you. Complete strangers like me like you. Why don't you accept the fact that he will like you?
- KEVIN.
kevin: you're the fourth in line who's posed that question.
the first was thomas, the second, melvin, and the third...ashley.
thomas and i didn't get off to a good start. he'd talk to everyone else but me. but we've gotten over that phase and he now teases me to no end, especially when it comes to THE CRUSHEE.
he almost blurted it out to THE CRUSHEE. fortuntely, he was just being extremely cheeky with me and finished off his sentence with a "forget it...later i get hantamed by someone."
now melvin (while THE CRUSHEE was settling down on the stool beside me) asked "how do you know it's not mutual?"
my response? "i just have this strange feeling that it isn't. now can we please stop talking about it?"
whether they were just having fun with me or were actually trying to be nice, i'm glad they were there with me last night.
with that, i'm thankful for all the "big brother" figures i have in my life. and for the little-brothers-who-act-like-big-brothers as well.
check out the brotherhood:
that's me, jason, ray, aunt and kt...
jas and i acting all couply...NOT!
i suppose it's time for this tomboy to grow up.
WHENEVER I CALL YOU FRIEND
she's so sure he wouldn't go out with her.
so she kept the images of his smile in a tiny little space in her head...hoping that it'd remain dormant for a long time to come.
when given the opportunity though, she did want to see him, but had to pretend she didn't feel for him.
she couldn't let him see.
she couldn't let herself see.
she was drawn to him.
whoever knew about the crush she had on him kept asking her why.
but she simply couldn't explain the pull.
so her heart sank when she didn't see him as she stepped into the club.
her disappointment wasn't obvious, but she had just wanted to be alone...if only for a while.
then, as she walked her friends out, she saw him.
his face lit up with surprise at the sight of her.
and while she spoke to her friends for a bit, she was aching to get back inside to talk to him.
and talk they did. and danced.
how could he not realize that she fancied him, when to her, all the signs were so evident?
her buddies threatened to spill on her if she didn't tell him...but they couldn't bear to, as much as they teased her.
they just sat around, grinning their silent grins whenever he appeared.
they assured her that he'd be happy to know of her feelings for him, but she wasn't so sure. for she's convinced that someone like him wouldn't want to hang out with someone like her.
so why is she subjecting herself to such torture?
she doesn't know.
but she walked home with a bounce in her step that night...and his smile fresh in her mind.
he had made her day, simply by being around.
she's so sure he wouldn't go out with her.
so she kept the images of his smile in a tiny little space in her head...hoping that it'd remain dormant for a long time to come.
when given the opportunity though, she did want to see him, but had to pretend she didn't feel for him.
she couldn't let him see.
she couldn't let herself see.
she was drawn to him.
whoever knew about the crush she had on him kept asking her why.
but she simply couldn't explain the pull.
so her heart sank when she didn't see him as she stepped into the club.
her disappointment wasn't obvious, but she had just wanted to be alone...if only for a while.
then, as she walked her friends out, she saw him.
his face lit up with surprise at the sight of her.
and while she spoke to her friends for a bit, she was aching to get back inside to talk to him.
and talk they did. and danced.
how could he not realize that she fancied him, when to her, all the signs were so evident?
her buddies threatened to spill on her if she didn't tell him...but they couldn't bear to, as much as they teased her.
they just sat around, grinning their silent grins whenever he appeared.
they assured her that he'd be happy to know of her feelings for him, but she wasn't so sure. for she's convinced that someone like him wouldn't want to hang out with someone like her.
so why is she subjecting herself to such torture?
she doesn't know.
but she walked home with a bounce in her step that night...and his smile fresh in her mind.
he had made her day, simply by being around.
Thursday, December 16, 2004
SOMEONE LIKE YOU
sometimes i wonder how ashley can carry off her non-bashful "ask me out lah"s.
people would think she's joking but i figure she's testing the waters...dropping hints to garner the guy's interest.
she would love to go out on dates. as would i.
she (among some others) keeps trying to set me up. i really want her to just go out and have fun as well...but she keeps saying no one's asking her out.
that's extremely odd, given that ash is obviously more outgoing than i am. and would definitely be a lot more fun to hang out with on a cool saturday evening. hell, if i were a guy, i'd have asked her out already!
i, on the other hand, would probably do for a quiet evening. if i'm comfortable with you, i wouldn't be trying too hard to make conversation.
now i don't think i've been out on enough dates to say i'm familiar with datehood, but from what others tell me, it's really quite fun.
i often over-analyze things to actually enjoy the date. and when the guy wants to get slightly serious, i do the hundred-meter dash and drape on my invisibility cloak for a while.
the non-committal side of me's one part i can't understand.
perhaps a huge part of that stems from me expecting to be leaving soon...and not staying long enough to have one relationship.
i have shunned and turned down all relationship propositions because i didn't want people to get hurt...after i have to leave, that is. i didn't want us to have to break up, or compromise, or me to have to consider my relationship before my goals.
and now that my going away has, once again, been postponed indefinitely, i feel a certain anger.
although i've come to terms with it mentally, i still have to deal with a whole barrage of conflicting emotions.
i am still angry. perhaps because i've set aside so much for this dream.
i would hate to admit my hopes have been dashed...but...
it's hard to be optimistic when the same thing crashes down on you, time and again.
the brick wall's slowly being reinforced with a certain shock-absorbing gel now.
let's just hope that it's just a harmless gel, and not something that would solidify into a thick mass of jade.
rescue me.
someone.
sometimes i wonder how ashley can carry off her non-bashful "ask me out lah"s.
people would think she's joking but i figure she's testing the waters...dropping hints to garner the guy's interest.
she would love to go out on dates. as would i.
she (among some others) keeps trying to set me up. i really want her to just go out and have fun as well...but she keeps saying no one's asking her out.
that's extremely odd, given that ash is obviously more outgoing than i am. and would definitely be a lot more fun to hang out with on a cool saturday evening. hell, if i were a guy, i'd have asked her out already!
i, on the other hand, would probably do for a quiet evening. if i'm comfortable with you, i wouldn't be trying too hard to make conversation.
now i don't think i've been out on enough dates to say i'm familiar with datehood, but from what others tell me, it's really quite fun.
i often over-analyze things to actually enjoy the date. and when the guy wants to get slightly serious, i do the hundred-meter dash and drape on my invisibility cloak for a while.
the non-committal side of me's one part i can't understand.
perhaps a huge part of that stems from me expecting to be leaving soon...and not staying long enough to have one relationship.
i have shunned and turned down all relationship propositions because i didn't want people to get hurt...after i have to leave, that is. i didn't want us to have to break up, or compromise, or me to have to consider my relationship before my goals.
and now that my going away has, once again, been postponed indefinitely, i feel a certain anger.
although i've come to terms with it mentally, i still have to deal with a whole barrage of conflicting emotions.
i am still angry. perhaps because i've set aside so much for this dream.
i would hate to admit my hopes have been dashed...but...
it's hard to be optimistic when the same thing crashes down on you, time and again.
the brick wall's slowly being reinforced with a certain shock-absorbing gel now.
let's just hope that it's just a harmless gel, and not something that would solidify into a thick mass of jade.
rescue me.
someone.
a friend of mine and her partner were bickering.
her partner turns to me, looking indignant, and says, "she calls me a nerd!"
so i turn to my friend and say, "eh...but i'm a nerd too what, and so are you, for that matter."
my friend tells me, "yeah, we're nerds. but we're higher class nerds."
and i'm like..."huh?"
her partner interjects, "she thinks that people who read more technical stuff and are more engineer-in-nature are of a lower calibre of nerds. and that people who read philosophy and discuss literature are of a higher calibre of nerdism."
and that set me thinking: do philosophers and engineers complement each other?
my friend says, "no what! there are loadsa nerds of the same kind who get together!"
then i think back to cole and i...and shake my head.
two thinkers would end up depressing the hell outta each other.
so i observe the couple, and realize i'm stuck between the both of them.
one's my good friend, with whom i discuss life's mysteries and existentialism.
the other's her partner, with whom i get along perfectly fine with...discussing the more technical side of things...business models and all.
so am i an engineer, or a philosopher?
i figure that before doing business news, i was the latter. exclusively. now, i'm a blooming philosopher but the engineer in me is breaking outta those bars.
on hindsight, i think cole was stuck in the middle. like me now.
cole WAS...because now, he isn't.
i think i prefer philosophers.
and you?
her partner turns to me, looking indignant, and says, "she calls me a nerd!"
so i turn to my friend and say, "eh...but i'm a nerd too what, and so are you, for that matter."
my friend tells me, "yeah, we're nerds. but we're higher class nerds."
and i'm like..."huh?"
her partner interjects, "she thinks that people who read more technical stuff and are more engineer-in-nature are of a lower calibre of nerds. and that people who read philosophy and discuss literature are of a higher calibre of nerdism."
and that set me thinking: do philosophers and engineers complement each other?
my friend says, "no what! there are loadsa nerds of the same kind who get together!"
then i think back to cole and i...and shake my head.
two thinkers would end up depressing the hell outta each other.
so i observe the couple, and realize i'm stuck between the both of them.
one's my good friend, with whom i discuss life's mysteries and existentialism.
the other's her partner, with whom i get along perfectly fine with...discussing the more technical side of things...business models and all.
so am i an engineer, or a philosopher?
i figure that before doing business news, i was the latter. exclusively. now, i'm a blooming philosopher but the engineer in me is breaking outta those bars.
on hindsight, i think cole was stuck in the middle. like me now.
cole WAS...because now, he isn't.
i think i prefer philosophers.
and you?
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
WE ARE THE WORLD
nuthin' but love.
the waiting area outside the movie theaters was filled with such warmth that i felt absolutely safe in that environment.
strangers smiling at each other...and everyone was linked by one thing - cancer.
well, if you were there, you're either a member of the CCF, or the family of a CCF kid.
i'm the latter.
i knew so many of those people from years back...and to see the kids all grown up now, it's extremely heartwarming.
there was kiana...eugene...kok wee...
i caught up with a few of the constant volunteers (who all still thought that i was still flying).
the smiles just lit the uppermost level of bugis junction up.
an overwhelming urge to tear took over for a while...but i managed to hold it back as we continued talking, laughing, and just enjoying each others' company.
i thought that THE INCREDIBLES would've made a better choice for such an ocassion, with such a crowd. but after i disembarked THE POLAR EXPRESS, i could see why that worked.
with the right crowd, the movie would leave quite an impression. of course, if you were to go with a group of loud-mouthed friends who'd just badmouth every single turn of events, you'd get zilch outta it.
BUT the theater was filled with so much love...there was nothing else to feel.
i don't feel this way often.
but it'll be nice if i could.
nuthin' but love.
the waiting area outside the movie theaters was filled with such warmth that i felt absolutely safe in that environment.
strangers smiling at each other...and everyone was linked by one thing - cancer.
well, if you were there, you're either a member of the CCF, or the family of a CCF kid.
i'm the latter.
i knew so many of those people from years back...and to see the kids all grown up now, it's extremely heartwarming.
there was kiana...eugene...kok wee...
i caught up with a few of the constant volunteers (who all still thought that i was still flying).
the smiles just lit the uppermost level of bugis junction up.
an overwhelming urge to tear took over for a while...but i managed to hold it back as we continued talking, laughing, and just enjoying each others' company.
i thought that THE INCREDIBLES would've made a better choice for such an ocassion, with such a crowd. but after i disembarked THE POLAR EXPRESS, i could see why that worked.
with the right crowd, the movie would leave quite an impression. of course, if you were to go with a group of loud-mouthed friends who'd just badmouth every single turn of events, you'd get zilch outta it.
BUT the theater was filled with so much love...there was nothing else to feel.
i don't feel this way often.
but it'll be nice if i could.
Sunday, December 12, 2004
SAFE IN A CRAZY WORLD
the title belongs to corrinne may. but the following belongs to me. grieving.
It's that time of evening
When trees begin to sway
Orion feels his belt
When Scorpio comes his way
The moon in all its glowing glory
Makes a gentle pause
Outside my bedroom window
Just for me to know
I am not alone in this world
Although so much is lost
Within my heart I find a peace
No one has ever sought
Being alone has never been more beautiful than now
I cherish every moment, I cherish every sound.
I've dreamt of living on my own
Just to see how it would be
For me to be alone
And for you to not have me
I realize now it's not that hard
To keep that lonesome state
But to have you far away
Is one thing I cannot take
I am not alone in this world
Although so much is lost
Within my heart I find a peace
No one has ever sought
Being alone has never been more beautiful than now
I cherish every moment, I cherish every sound.
So thank you for being there for me
Through all my darkest days
My love for you is pure
I won't have it any other way
Without you there'd be no me.
Music is my religion.
the title belongs to corrinne may. but the following belongs to me. grieving.
It's that time of evening
When trees begin to sway
Orion feels his belt
When Scorpio comes his way
The moon in all its glowing glory
Makes a gentle pause
Outside my bedroom window
Just for me to know
I am not alone in this world
Although so much is lost
Within my heart I find a peace
No one has ever sought
Being alone has never been more beautiful than now
I cherish every moment, I cherish every sound.
I've dreamt of living on my own
Just to see how it would be
For me to be alone
And for you to not have me
I realize now it's not that hard
To keep that lonesome state
But to have you far away
Is one thing I cannot take
I am not alone in this world
Although so much is lost
Within my heart I find a peace
No one has ever sought
Being alone has never been more beautiful than now
I cherish every moment, I cherish every sound.
So thank you for being there for me
Through all my darkest days
My love for you is pure
I won't have it any other way
Without you there'd be no me.
Music is my religion.
Saturday, December 11, 2004
I COULD'VE DANCED ALL NIGHT
my calve muscles are screaming for oxygen, and my stomach's screaming for food.
but none of that compares to the liberation that dance has brought upon.
none of us knew what made us head to union after fiesta...the few of us were in horrid states and we could tell that each other were feeling down.
this time, we stayed till the lights came on and the music became pop (yuck!).
most of'em who frequent union would drink and dance...but i just do the latter. it's next to impossible to find a partner who's totally alcohol-free though...
danced with a few but, once again, didn't get to dance with him.
i don't know why i'm so gutless. perhaps i'm just not in the mood.
yes yes...he's the cute nerd i had a crush on.
so anyways...we headed down with a salsa classmate called thomas.
thomas is like...the smooth operator. he's so smooth, he's got women hanging on his arm at every turn. geez...we went with him but only saw him at 20-minute intervals.
apparently, he's got a girlfriend, but she doesn't like salsa.
looking at the number of women he danced with and chatted up, he sure looks like a swinger and not someone who's attached. in fact, he left the place with two girls! and i don't know how many more were waiting for him at the exit.
dancing tonight was absolutely therapeutic, but i still hate smelling of smoke and drink everytime i step outta union.
throughout the five hours of dancing, my mind was blank...and i just followed the lead.
having everything flood back after each dance was painful, but i got some clarity after each space-out.
eddie said i have the "ice queen" persona too.
but who's afraid of ice?
REALLY?
my calve muscles are screaming for oxygen, and my stomach's screaming for food.
but none of that compares to the liberation that dance has brought upon.
none of us knew what made us head to union after fiesta...the few of us were in horrid states and we could tell that each other were feeling down.
this time, we stayed till the lights came on and the music became pop (yuck!).
most of'em who frequent union would drink and dance...but i just do the latter. it's next to impossible to find a partner who's totally alcohol-free though...
danced with a few but, once again, didn't get to dance with him.
i don't know why i'm so gutless. perhaps i'm just not in the mood.
yes yes...he's the cute nerd i had a crush on.
so anyways...we headed down with a salsa classmate called thomas.
thomas is like...the smooth operator. he's so smooth, he's got women hanging on his arm at every turn. geez...we went with him but only saw him at 20-minute intervals.
apparently, he's got a girlfriend, but she doesn't like salsa.
looking at the number of women he danced with and chatted up, he sure looks like a swinger and not someone who's attached. in fact, he left the place with two girls! and i don't know how many more were waiting for him at the exit.
dancing tonight was absolutely therapeutic, but i still hate smelling of smoke and drink everytime i step outta union.
throughout the five hours of dancing, my mind was blank...and i just followed the lead.
having everything flood back after each dance was painful, but i got some clarity after each space-out.
eddie said i have the "ice queen" persona too.
but who's afraid of ice?
REALLY?
Friday, December 10, 2004
I BELIEVE IN MUSIC
heard this song on the bus ride home.
the lyrics suck but it sorta tells what music means to me.
I could just sit around making music all day long.
As long as I'm making my music, ain't gonna do nobody no harm.
And who knows, maybe I'll come up with a song
To make people want to stop all their fussing and fighting
Long enough to sing along.
I believe in music.
Oh, I believe in love.
And I believe in music.
Oh, I, I believe in love.
Music is love, and love is music, if you know what I mean.
People who believe in music are the happiest people I've ever seen.
So clap your hands and stomp your feet and shake your tambourine,
And lift your voices to the sky; tell me what you see.
I, I believe in music.
Oh, I believe in love.
I believe in music.
Oh, I, I believe in love.
Music is the universal language, and love is the key
To peace, hope, and understanding, and living in harmony.
So grab your brother by the hand, let's sing along with me,
And lift your voices to the sky; tell me what you see.
I, I believe in music.
Oh, I, I believe in love.
I, I believe in music.
Oh, I, I believe in love.
- MAC DAVIS
i'm sure i'd be able to pen something better down sometime.
probably soon.
my writing's usually most readable by people like me when i'm in pain.
one thing i'm sure of though:
if it ain't dance that's gonna help me through this mess, it sure is gonna be music.
let the music soothe my soul.
and let the healing begin.
heard this song on the bus ride home.
the lyrics suck but it sorta tells what music means to me.
I could just sit around making music all day long.
As long as I'm making my music, ain't gonna do nobody no harm.
And who knows, maybe I'll come up with a song
To make people want to stop all their fussing and fighting
Long enough to sing along.
I believe in music.
Oh, I believe in love.
And I believe in music.
Oh, I, I believe in love.
Music is love, and love is music, if you know what I mean.
People who believe in music are the happiest people I've ever seen.
So clap your hands and stomp your feet and shake your tambourine,
And lift your voices to the sky; tell me what you see.
I, I believe in music.
Oh, I believe in love.
I believe in music.
Oh, I, I believe in love.
Music is the universal language, and love is the key
To peace, hope, and understanding, and living in harmony.
So grab your brother by the hand, let's sing along with me,
And lift your voices to the sky; tell me what you see.
I, I believe in music.
Oh, I, I believe in love.
I, I believe in music.
Oh, I, I believe in love.
- MAC DAVIS
i'm sure i'd be able to pen something better down sometime.
probably soon.
my writing's usually most readable by people like me when i'm in pain.
one thing i'm sure of though:
if it ain't dance that's gonna help me through this mess, it sure is gonna be music.
let the music soothe my soul.
and let the healing begin.
Thursday, December 09, 2004
ON MY OWN
i know i'm not alone...physically.
but i feel alone.
i constantly chide myself for feeling this way...
because isn't that what i want?
to be alone?
*you're so gonna do a double-take on me for this, but hell...i'm so wishing for someone to just hold me for a while. just for this little while...
but of course, that thought's gonna dissipate as soon as i wake up in the morning.
and then come back again later in the night.
i know i'm not alone...physically.
but i feel alone.
i constantly chide myself for feeling this way...
because isn't that what i want?
to be alone?
*you're so gonna do a double-take on me for this, but hell...i'm so wishing for someone to just hold me for a while. just for this little while...
but of course, that thought's gonna dissipate as soon as i wake up in the morning.
and then come back again later in the night.
JOURNEY
i'm crying as i'm typing this.
starting today, i'll be embarking on yet another phase of this adventure i call MY LIFE.
if you thought i was strong enough and independent before, you ain't seen nothin' yet.
for the past decade, i've been dedicating my time to people and their problems.
i've been trying to help them get through their rough patches in life.
and whenever people ask me why i am so willing to help others, yet so reluctant to receive help myself, i answer with this:
"because helping others is my salvation. i learn from helping others get through their problems."
over the past couple of years, i've become quite jaded by how selfish people have become.
obviously, there are times when i am selfish.
of late though, i find myself sacrificing my physical and mental health to please people; people who are selfish enough to point their fingers at me without knowing the basis of those allegations.
i have decided that, for the good of my mental health, i shall take a break from these people.
i have decided to be selfish for once...because i need to nurse my sanity, and make sure it doesn't take anymore battering.
and that's why i need time...
away from my family, my boys, my home.
realize that i still call the place i live MY HOME.
and that's proof that i'm not distancing myself.
i just desperately need time AWAY.
please let me indulge in my selfishness for this once.
please.
i'm crying as i'm typing this.
starting today, i'll be embarking on yet another phase of this adventure i call MY LIFE.
if you thought i was strong enough and independent before, you ain't seen nothin' yet.
for the past decade, i've been dedicating my time to people and their problems.
i've been trying to help them get through their rough patches in life.
and whenever people ask me why i am so willing to help others, yet so reluctant to receive help myself, i answer with this:
"because helping others is my salvation. i learn from helping others get through their problems."
over the past couple of years, i've become quite jaded by how selfish people have become.
obviously, there are times when i am selfish.
of late though, i find myself sacrificing my physical and mental health to please people; people who are selfish enough to point their fingers at me without knowing the basis of those allegations.
i have decided that, for the good of my mental health, i shall take a break from these people.
i have decided to be selfish for once...because i need to nurse my sanity, and make sure it doesn't take anymore battering.
and that's why i need time...
away from my family, my boys, my home.
realize that i still call the place i live MY HOME.
and that's proof that i'm not distancing myself.
i just desperately need time AWAY.
please let me indulge in my selfishness for this once.
please.
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
A MILLION WAYS
ashley's right.
he probably needs my support the most now...and i have to be strong.
for him.
he needs to hear those words from me.
he shouldn't need to worry about me at a time like this.
i'm so sorry i never said anything.
and i'm sorry all this had to surface before any of my emotions could shine through.
ashley's right.
he probably needs my support the most now...and i have to be strong.
for him.
he needs to hear those words from me.
he shouldn't need to worry about me at a time like this.
i'm so sorry i never said anything.
and i'm sorry all this had to surface before any of my emotions could shine through.
Saturday, December 04, 2004
EVERLASTING LOVE
a place of worship should bring peace to the people in it...that no matter how stormy they feel inside, they should feel renewed by the time they step out.
i felt the exact opposite today.
all the excitement of the morning morphed into oppression.
today was the wedding event of the year for the Lims.
our darling cousin, Tim, was finally wedding his girlfriend, Cynthia.
it's been a long time coming for these two...and i'm truly happy for them.
the excitement sorta ended the moment the bride entered the church and sat down with the groom.
as the readings started, so did the hyperventilation.
i had to close my eyes and tell myself to breathe slow.
i survived the whole thing, but i left the church with a heavy head and heart.
the whole session just totally disturbed me.
don't ask me how it did. when i find a way to verbalize those thoughts, i will blog them down.
on the brighter side of things...
weddings are always fun. it's especially so if you're on the girl's side...well, timmy didn't have to go through the gruelling bargaining session at the door because they just went to church straight from their homes.
and you know what the families talk about when we all attend one of these weddings?
they will look for the "next-in-line" and start probing...and insinuating stuff. ha.
turns out I am the next-in-line. well, not really. but they did say that they're looking forward to my turn because they'll have a whole lotta fun at the welcoming party. they've already hatched plans to give my other half hell.
and i had to keep reminding them "hello? it's gonna be quite a while because i haven't even met anyone yet!"
and then they affectionately chide me for being picky.
me? next-in-line?
*shudder.
a place of worship should bring peace to the people in it...that no matter how stormy they feel inside, they should feel renewed by the time they step out.
i felt the exact opposite today.
all the excitement of the morning morphed into oppression.
today was the wedding event of the year for the Lims.
our darling cousin, Tim, was finally wedding his girlfriend, Cynthia.
it's been a long time coming for these two...and i'm truly happy for them.
the excitement sorta ended the moment the bride entered the church and sat down with the groom.
as the readings started, so did the hyperventilation.
i had to close my eyes and tell myself to breathe slow.
i survived the whole thing, but i left the church with a heavy head and heart.
the whole session just totally disturbed me.
don't ask me how it did. when i find a way to verbalize those thoughts, i will blog them down.
on the brighter side of things...
weddings are always fun. it's especially so if you're on the girl's side...well, timmy didn't have to go through the gruelling bargaining session at the door because they just went to church straight from their homes.
and you know what the families talk about when we all attend one of these weddings?
they will look for the "next-in-line" and start probing...and insinuating stuff. ha.
turns out I am the next-in-line. well, not really. but they did say that they're looking forward to my turn because they'll have a whole lotta fun at the welcoming party. they've already hatched plans to give my other half hell.
and i had to keep reminding them "hello? it's gonna be quite a while because i haven't even met anyone yet!"
and then they affectionately chide me for being picky.
me? next-in-line?
*shudder.
ELEVATION
ha...never thought that i'd post something that late huh?
well, neither did i.
it's all my girl friend's fault. she and her boyfriend swung by jitterbugs to chance a dying fiesta, and wanted to go clubbing.
now i don't drink, you see.
so i suggested union square, since matthew was hanging out with his friends there.
*"what's the correlation?" you ask. well, it's better to go to union with a partner so even if no one else asks you to dance, you still have that one dance partner to hang on to...haha.
it was already just after 0000hrs, and we had problems getting a cab, but we got there eventually.
until matthew asked me to dance, i was just soaking in the atmosphere.
union is perfect for me - my friends wanna drink, and i wanna dance.
so matthew and i dance. then rest. then dance again.
just after i sat down after our second number, this guy i met at class today asked me to dance.
and so i did.
after one song, we approached the table and he asked if i knew any of the cuban steps from the earlier classes.
i tried to teach him a couple but we just ended up dancing. and shining.
ah...the shines.
i think people were watching me shine.
*for the uninitiated, "shining" is the term used for a person dancing solo, aka freestyling.
it's so odd...because the styling came quite naturally to me, and people were impressed.
like...c'mon, it's UNION SQUARE we're talking about here. EVERYONE knows how to dance (much better than i do).
so after i finished the second song with that guy, his friend told me he liked my shines and that he'd like to dance with me. okay.
then after i finally got to sit down for a bit, matthew was like "woah...you've improved TREMENDOUSLY since the last time. how did you learn to shine like that?"
and i was like..."HUH? you mean you guys don't know how to do it?!"
oh well. then this EXPERT asked me to dance.
i was sweating palms and pits man...i kept trying to tell him that i'm quite a beginner, but he just took over and spun me all over the freakin dancefloor.
matthew, wendy and david were all stunned into gaping.
i was too stunned myself to even think what happened after it all ended!
EIGHT dances in less than two hours.
i think that was quite enough for me.
it was funness tonight.
and i stepped out of my shell.
FINALLY.
ha...never thought that i'd post something that late huh?
well, neither did i.
it's all my girl friend's fault. she and her boyfriend swung by jitterbugs to chance a dying fiesta, and wanted to go clubbing.
now i don't drink, you see.
so i suggested union square, since matthew was hanging out with his friends there.
*"what's the correlation?" you ask. well, it's better to go to union with a partner so even if no one else asks you to dance, you still have that one dance partner to hang on to...haha.
it was already just after 0000hrs, and we had problems getting a cab, but we got there eventually.
until matthew asked me to dance, i was just soaking in the atmosphere.
union is perfect for me - my friends wanna drink, and i wanna dance.
so matthew and i dance. then rest. then dance again.
just after i sat down after our second number, this guy i met at class today asked me to dance.
and so i did.
after one song, we approached the table and he asked if i knew any of the cuban steps from the earlier classes.
i tried to teach him a couple but we just ended up dancing. and shining.
ah...the shines.
i think people were watching me shine.
*for the uninitiated, "shining" is the term used for a person dancing solo, aka freestyling.
it's so odd...because the styling came quite naturally to me, and people were impressed.
like...c'mon, it's UNION SQUARE we're talking about here. EVERYONE knows how to dance (much better than i do).
so after i finished the second song with that guy, his friend told me he liked my shines and that he'd like to dance with me. okay.
then after i finally got to sit down for a bit, matthew was like "woah...you've improved TREMENDOUSLY since the last time. how did you learn to shine like that?"
and i was like..."HUH? you mean you guys don't know how to do it?!"
oh well. then this EXPERT asked me to dance.
i was sweating palms and pits man...i kept trying to tell him that i'm quite a beginner, but he just took over and spun me all over the freakin dancefloor.
matthew, wendy and david were all stunned into gaping.
i was too stunned myself to even think what happened after it all ended!
EIGHT dances in less than two hours.
i think that was quite enough for me.
it was funness tonight.
and i stepped out of my shell.
FINALLY.
Friday, December 03, 2004
SEXY, NAUGHTY, BITCHY
one of my boys told me he was listening to a song that was SO ME.
then he sent it to me.
i didn't know what song he meant (since the title shown while downloading was so ambiguous), but the moment the first strains of music played out, i started laughing the house down.
yes...you guessed it. it's tata young's "sexy, naughty, bitchy".
i suppose he really meant that i was "bitchy".
but being bitchy ain't such a bad thing.
i'll admit to being a bitch because i am THAT outspoken.
now, "sexy" and "naughty"...i don't know.
unless you think i ooze sex appeal in some ways, i don't think i'm sexy at all.
and i definitely don't dress it (like, how often do you see me in something the normal guy would label "sexy"?).
i can be naughty...haha. i suppose "sneaky" is a better word. or "devious".
i think i've been flirting quite a bit this past week...unintentionally, that is.
i mean...is it mating season already? why the sudden influx of interest?
just last evening, this guy we met over a business meeting smsed me, enquiring about a certain business something.
after a couple more smses...i was actually wondering out loud...
"is he flirting with me?"
when i told ashley what transpired in those messages and an email response, i believe she laughed her head off...right there in front of her computer, in her room down in bukit panjang.
well, she told me she was laughing out loud.
was i emitting some mata hari sorta pheramones when i was sick?
did i look like the frail girl the typical singaporean male so wants to take care of?
what was it?
WHAT IS IT?
*eh...i'm still the ice queen, so i'm kinda puzzled why i'm getting so much contact from the men lately.
one of my boys told me he was listening to a song that was SO ME.
then he sent it to me.
i didn't know what song he meant (since the title shown while downloading was so ambiguous), but the moment the first strains of music played out, i started laughing the house down.
yes...you guessed it. it's tata young's "sexy, naughty, bitchy".
i suppose he really meant that i was "bitchy".
but being bitchy ain't such a bad thing.
i'll admit to being a bitch because i am THAT outspoken.
now, "sexy" and "naughty"...i don't know.
unless you think i ooze sex appeal in some ways, i don't think i'm sexy at all.
and i definitely don't dress it (like, how often do you see me in something the normal guy would label "sexy"?).
i can be naughty...haha. i suppose "sneaky" is a better word. or "devious".
i think i've been flirting quite a bit this past week...unintentionally, that is.
i mean...is it mating season already? why the sudden influx of interest?
just last evening, this guy we met over a business meeting smsed me, enquiring about a certain business something.
after a couple more smses...i was actually wondering out loud...
"is he flirting with me?"
when i told ashley what transpired in those messages and an email response, i believe she laughed her head off...right there in front of her computer, in her room down in bukit panjang.
well, she told me she was laughing out loud.
was i emitting some mata hari sorta pheramones when i was sick?
did i look like the frail girl the typical singaporean male so wants to take care of?
what was it?
WHAT IS IT?
*eh...i'm still the ice queen, so i'm kinda puzzled why i'm getting so much contact from the men lately.
Thursday, December 02, 2004
The Closest Thing To Crazy
before i begin with today's post, i'd like to share today's blog title's lyrics with you...
How can I think I'm standing strong,
Yet feel the air beneath my feet?
How can happiness feel so wrong?
How can misery feel so sweet?
How can you let me watch you sleep,
Then break my dreams the way you do?
How can I have got in so deep?
Why did I fall in love with you?
CHORUS:
This is the closest thing to crazy I have ever been
Feeling twenty-two, acting seventeen,
This is the nearest thing to crazy I have ever known,
I was never crazy on my own.
And now I know that there's a link between the two,
Being close to craziness and being close to you.
How can you make me fall apart
Then break my fall with loving lies?
It's so easy to break a heart;
It's so easy to close your eyes.
How can you treat me like a child
Yet like a child I yearn for you?
How can anyone feel so wild?
How can anyone feel so blue?
- Katie Melua
this song has been on repeat mode on the iPod for a while.
amongst hootie and the blowfish and joss stone.
lunch with matthew today was strangely relaxing.
there would be long instances of silence, and i'd just look out the window...take in the sights a little, before something else catches our eyes and sparks our next round of conversation.
after lunch, he asked if i'd like to go for a drink.
so we went to Ya Kun for tea.
and then i asked him, "do you feel uncomfortable with me?"
and he answered, "if i did, i wouldn't have asked you to get a drink after lunch, right?"
haha.
i don't know why, but that kinda smacked me in the face.
like, bloody stupid question.
i guessed i was still kinda spooked by mark's "ice queen" comment.
i mean...mark wasn't the only person who's described me as "ice queen", but he's the latest in line.
but, as he says, it works fine for me.
the ice queen persona.
see, i've quit whining.
before i begin with today's post, i'd like to share today's blog title's lyrics with you...
How can I think I'm standing strong,
Yet feel the air beneath my feet?
How can happiness feel so wrong?
How can misery feel so sweet?
How can you let me watch you sleep,
Then break my dreams the way you do?
How can I have got in so deep?
Why did I fall in love with you?
CHORUS:
This is the closest thing to crazy I have ever been
Feeling twenty-two, acting seventeen,
This is the nearest thing to crazy I have ever known,
I was never crazy on my own.
And now I know that there's a link between the two,
Being close to craziness and being close to you.
How can you make me fall apart
Then break my fall with loving lies?
It's so easy to break a heart;
It's so easy to close your eyes.
How can you treat me like a child
Yet like a child I yearn for you?
How can anyone feel so wild?
How can anyone feel so blue?
- Katie Melua
this song has been on repeat mode on the iPod for a while.
amongst hootie and the blowfish and joss stone.
lunch with matthew today was strangely relaxing.
there would be long instances of silence, and i'd just look out the window...take in the sights a little, before something else catches our eyes and sparks our next round of conversation.
after lunch, he asked if i'd like to go for a drink.
so we went to Ya Kun for tea.
and then i asked him, "do you feel uncomfortable with me?"
and he answered, "if i did, i wouldn't have asked you to get a drink after lunch, right?"
haha.
i don't know why, but that kinda smacked me in the face.
like, bloody stupid question.
i guessed i was still kinda spooked by mark's "ice queen" comment.
i mean...mark wasn't the only person who's described me as "ice queen", but he's the latest in line.
but, as he says, it works fine for me.
the ice queen persona.
see, i've quit whining.
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