MESS AROUND
as if my life wasn't already dramatic enough.
he came by, threw things at my window to get my attention, and then climbed up the meter gauges along the outside of our front door, pounded on my window and pushed it open.
i walked out of my room and my parents ran down to talk to him.
he was ranting outside our flat about wanting to talk to me and all.
i gotta admit...if my parents weren't around, i think i'd be at a loss.
so the heros of the day are they.
and they spent a couple of hours talking to him at the void deck, with me sneaking out using a staircase hidden from their view for class.
earlier as we were driving home in the car post mooncake fest celebration, mom told me what he mentioned to them.
he said i had sent him encouraging messages and then threw cold water on him.
he brought up johann (a guy i had gone out with for a bit a long time back but nothing THAT substantial) and boon cheong.
he said he only wanted to be friends.
let's see...
i think it's a little extreme to want a friendship that badly that you'd risk your life, limb and reputation by climbing up a gas pipe on the 10th-storey of an hdb block and pounding on your ex-girlfriend's window, demanding that she talk to you and BE YOUR FRIEND.
on the second point, i really gotta give it to my mom.
when he mentioned these two guys to her, she simply said...
"my daughter is a fine woman and i wouldn't be surprised if she has gone out with other guys before. by the way, how did you know about johann?"
he said he asked me about it.
and without batting an eyelid, she went on...
"you asked her, and she told you right? so what's the problem?"
my mom knows of these two guys...and because of such history, she's always been less worried about me being hurt by men.
perhaps it's because i'm extremely fussy? =P
note that my mom, in making those statements, demonstrated she could be extremely eloquent.
on the first point about me sending him messages...
if i had sent him messages in the first place, today wouldn't have happened.
he had come today to get me to talk to him, so logically, if i was, he wouldn't be tracking me down to my home.
my parents are sorta convinced they've knocked some sense into him today, and that he will not look me up or contact me if i don't contact him.
they'd better keep their fingers crossed.
by the way, my gas meter's pretty much twisted from his weight.
he really doesn't think of the consequences of his actions.
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Thursday, September 28, 2006
YOU'RE TEACHING SALSA TO LATIN AMERICANS. YOU FEELING SCARED?
yesterday was rather interesting.
besides spending a few hours in bed, nursing the runny nose, i had a very fun first class with a few people at a house off holland road.
the owner of the house had asked the above question...and yes, i did feel a little intimidated.
but it turned out pretty well. =)
though from next week onwards, i'll have to keep my ear out for those spanish words they're using.
the group is made up of expats from different parts of latin america who can boogie as hell but don't know how to salsa.
what's best about the class was the environment, and how they all tried to explain the meanings of all those songs i hear at union way too often.
i'm not sure i like those songs as much anymore, after finding out what the lyrics mean...=P
all in all, a good wednesday night.
it's gonna be a long day ahead (and week), but i hope to rest it out for a bit in the night.
good night world.
yesterday was rather interesting.
besides spending a few hours in bed, nursing the runny nose, i had a very fun first class with a few people at a house off holland road.
the owner of the house had asked the above question...and yes, i did feel a little intimidated.
but it turned out pretty well. =)
though from next week onwards, i'll have to keep my ear out for those spanish words they're using.
the group is made up of expats from different parts of latin america who can boogie as hell but don't know how to salsa.
what's best about the class was the environment, and how they all tried to explain the meanings of all those songs i hear at union way too often.
i'm not sure i like those songs as much anymore, after finding out what the lyrics mean...=P
all in all, a good wednesday night.
it's gonna be a long day ahead (and week), but i hope to rest it out for a bit in the night.
good night world.
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
GET OUT
of course my case is of a different context from jojo's hit single.
but my message is the same.
seeing how he keeps thinking i'm holding grudges against him and that i'm miserable because of our bad relationship...it's both frustrating and amusing.
more amusing because i marvel at how some people like to believe the world revolves around them.
if i had wallowed in self-pity, i wouldn't have done half the things i did in the past month.
perhaps...seeing that i hadn't regretted everything i did in the relationship, i could let it go smoothly.
for everything that he insisted i did wrong, i did not seek forgiveness...and i didn't need it, because i knew i did no wrong.
the only forgiveness i sought was for wasting his time.
but after it all, i just couldn't be bothered.
COULDN'T BE BOTHERED with the messages of accusations and apologies laden with "but you..."s.
so why does he keep bugging me to be friends with him now?
from my perspective, there's only one reason.
he wants to be able to feel better about me leaving him.
and i'm wondering..."why would i want to make him feel better about himself?"
of course, that's a rhetorical question.
and he has conveniently forgotten the word "hypocrite" he used on me, and said i chose to pick on those words.
if he wants friendship, or forgiveness, he's not going to get it.
in the words of a WWII survivor on the japanese general who created chaos in singapore...
"it is easy to forgive, but not easy to forget."
i don't hate him.
i really just can't be bothered.
but he's pissed me off, and he's not getting what he wants.
NO REPRIEVE FOR YOU WHO SAID NO.
he had said no to my offer of friendship.
he'd better live with his decision.
of course my case is of a different context from jojo's hit single.
but my message is the same.
seeing how he keeps thinking i'm holding grudges against him and that i'm miserable because of our bad relationship...it's both frustrating and amusing.
more amusing because i marvel at how some people like to believe the world revolves around them.
if i had wallowed in self-pity, i wouldn't have done half the things i did in the past month.
perhaps...seeing that i hadn't regretted everything i did in the relationship, i could let it go smoothly.
for everything that he insisted i did wrong, i did not seek forgiveness...and i didn't need it, because i knew i did no wrong.
the only forgiveness i sought was for wasting his time.
but after it all, i just couldn't be bothered.
COULDN'T BE BOTHERED with the messages of accusations and apologies laden with "but you..."s.
so why does he keep bugging me to be friends with him now?
from my perspective, there's only one reason.
he wants to be able to feel better about me leaving him.
and i'm wondering..."why would i want to make him feel better about himself?"
of course, that's a rhetorical question.
and he has conveniently forgotten the word "hypocrite" he used on me, and said i chose to pick on those words.
if he wants friendship, or forgiveness, he's not going to get it.
in the words of a WWII survivor on the japanese general who created chaos in singapore...
"it is easy to forgive, but not easy to forget."
i don't hate him.
i really just can't be bothered.
but he's pissed me off, and he's not getting what he wants.
NO REPRIEVE FOR YOU WHO SAID NO.
he had said no to my offer of friendship.
he'd better live with his decision.
Sunday, September 24, 2006
PROJECT SUPERSTAR
as you might've guessed by now (if you haven't heard), i didn't get through to the fourth round of project superstar.
though someone told me a week back that i'm his superstar.
that statement touched me tremendously.
in my opinion, superstars are people who inspire me and become some sort of role models i look up to.
not having made it through doesn't mean i was bad, but there are better and more "talented" individuals who could be groomed for the job.
i say "talented" in inverted commas because talent is subjective and all our talents may not lie in the same plane.
so whether i managed to make a lasting impression, or got to make one person smile or laugh, i would say i've reached "superstar" status. in my opinion. =)
i guess i just want people to feel good about themselves...and to help them find the beauty within themselves that may not be reflected on the outside.
like elphaba - the wicked witch of the west.
she was good and hadn't harbored bad thoughts until everyone treated her bad because she was green.
even in the wizard of oz, only the pretty people get it all.
let's face it, people are superficial, and television...even more so.
in that aspect, i guess i will be featured in the first two episodes of project superstar...or at least episode one.
i had arrived in my scout uniform for yesterday's auditions.
so go figure.
and this was me near 12am, waiting with the rest of the girls and guys for the results...
check out the eyebags and cracked smile
it was such a long day for me it wasn't funny.
though the day wasn't all that bad (even if it started at 5.30am that morning).
now if i hadn't made an impression on superstar, i probably did so at the istana in the morning.
despite plenty of reminders not to crack my signature jokes, i still managed to do so...all because the fellas screwed up on the script.
and so, i had so much time to spare while standing at the podium with the guests looking at me that i just talked to them, winked at them, nodded at them, smiled at them...and whatever else i could think of to keep their attention.
so you see...i don't HAVE to crack jokes, but these screw-up situations really need some lightening up. =)
bubba and i were pleasantly surprised to bump into our ex-schoolmate, June, who was with the girl guides contingent...
bubba, june and i
and of course, most of our tunisia bidding team was there (since most of them were top guns in scouting) and we managed to snap one...
from left to right: norisman, mel, malcolm (East Area Commissioner), noel hon (SSA President), nicholas tang (Chief Commissioner), me, tan guong ching (Starhub Chairman/Scout Guild head) and bubba.
nicholas kept teasing me on my weight loss and how he couldn't recognize me.
i heard we're bidding in korea next year, and japan's already told us not to "play play" because they're pulling out their big guns.
and then there's our "annual" shot at the istana staircase...
partners-in-crime
we couldn't take any more photos of the greens this time around because security didn't allow it.
this led to our token shot at the foyer...=)
mel, norisman, bubba and me
at the end of the day, i didn't quite care about getting into the top 20.
i just wanted to head home and crash.
but when the morning came, i was just glad the drama was over...
and i can get back into my own personal serial - my current life.
as you might've guessed by now (if you haven't heard), i didn't get through to the fourth round of project superstar.
though someone told me a week back that i'm his superstar.
that statement touched me tremendously.
in my opinion, superstars are people who inspire me and become some sort of role models i look up to.
not having made it through doesn't mean i was bad, but there are better and more "talented" individuals who could be groomed for the job.
i say "talented" in inverted commas because talent is subjective and all our talents may not lie in the same plane.
so whether i managed to make a lasting impression, or got to make one person smile or laugh, i would say i've reached "superstar" status. in my opinion. =)
i guess i just want people to feel good about themselves...and to help them find the beauty within themselves that may not be reflected on the outside.
like elphaba - the wicked witch of the west.
she was good and hadn't harbored bad thoughts until everyone treated her bad because she was green.
even in the wizard of oz, only the pretty people get it all.
let's face it, people are superficial, and television...even more so.
in that aspect, i guess i will be featured in the first two episodes of project superstar...or at least episode one.
i had arrived in my scout uniform for yesterday's auditions.
so go figure.
and this was me near 12am, waiting with the rest of the girls and guys for the results...
check out the eyebags and cracked smile
it was such a long day for me it wasn't funny.
though the day wasn't all that bad (even if it started at 5.30am that morning).
now if i hadn't made an impression on superstar, i probably did so at the istana in the morning.
despite plenty of reminders not to crack my signature jokes, i still managed to do so...all because the fellas screwed up on the script.
and so, i had so much time to spare while standing at the podium with the guests looking at me that i just talked to them, winked at them, nodded at them, smiled at them...and whatever else i could think of to keep their attention.
so you see...i don't HAVE to crack jokes, but these screw-up situations really need some lightening up. =)
bubba and i were pleasantly surprised to bump into our ex-schoolmate, June, who was with the girl guides contingent...
bubba, june and i
and of course, most of our tunisia bidding team was there (since most of them were top guns in scouting) and we managed to snap one...
from left to right: norisman, mel, malcolm (East Area Commissioner), noel hon (SSA President), nicholas tang (Chief Commissioner), me, tan guong ching (Starhub Chairman/Scout Guild head) and bubba.
nicholas kept teasing me on my weight loss and how he couldn't recognize me.
i heard we're bidding in korea next year, and japan's already told us not to "play play" because they're pulling out their big guns.
and then there's our "annual" shot at the istana staircase...
partners-in-crime
we couldn't take any more photos of the greens this time around because security didn't allow it.
this led to our token shot at the foyer...=)
mel, norisman, bubba and me
at the end of the day, i didn't quite care about getting into the top 20.
i just wanted to head home and crash.
but when the morning came, i was just glad the drama was over...
and i can get back into my own personal serial - my current life.
SWAY
one of the songs that was brought to mind by one of the contestants...in the toilet, of all places.
the madness that was yesterday is finally over.
and i'm glad. =)
no seriously, i am.
my current lifestyle simply cannot undertake yet another committment that might require me to place it as priority.
i can think of a few reasons i didn't get in, but i'll explain tomorrow.
my brains and body are like...totally fried.
i've been on the ball for about 19 hours now and am feeling extremely worn.
in this aspect, i'm glad i'm out of the picture.
and i'm happy to be alone at it right now.
one of the songs that was brought to mind by one of the contestants...in the toilet, of all places.
the madness that was yesterday is finally over.
and i'm glad. =)
no seriously, i am.
my current lifestyle simply cannot undertake yet another committment that might require me to place it as priority.
i can think of a few reasons i didn't get in, but i'll explain tomorrow.
my brains and body are like...totally fried.
i've been on the ball for about 19 hours now and am feeling extremely worn.
in this aspect, i'm glad i'm out of the picture.
and i'm happy to be alone at it right now.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
THIS IS THE MOMENT
at last a quiet moment to reflect on the craziness that's been my life for the past few days.
first things first, a recount of sunday.
and to describe the experience in one word - NERVEWRECKING.
apprehension
the stage was fine, the crowd was fine, but with judges scrutinizing you and the waiting for your turn...not cool.
after i was asked to stop singing, the first judge (zheng zhan lun) said i shouldn't have chosen the song because it was too big for me and that i should choose something that's more my range.
from left to right: jimmy ye (partially covered), zheng zhan lun, snr producer 1, snr producer 2, image consultant addy lee.
the next judge (a senior producer) asked if i could dance.
now this guy was in my first audition (yes the one i got kicked out of after being asked tons of questions about myself), so he knew i taught dance.
and i did some shines. they seemed to like it.
with a hop and a skip
zheng zhan lun told me not to choose songs that are too big for my voice and jimmy ye said i must learn to move with the music.
of course, the senior producer guy told me i HAD to improve on my mandarin. =P
and then i got in. =)
it was the green light OR the buzzer
that bit was exhilarating...but i was a little put off by this woman who told me off for asking how the studio lighting was going to be like.
i mean...i wanted to ask because i can then gauge how much make up to put on (so i don't look pale).
her response was "where got people ask this kind of thing one? you should just put on up to your own knowledge."
i'm like..."HUH?!"
then the guy who was briefing me quipped "aiyah she's a professional mah...needs to know lighting so she can gauge mah."
geez.
of course, there were the friends and family who made it all the more worthwhile.
i probably wouldn't have gone for the initial auditions if not for simon and wh's prodding.
and to eric for offering to ferry me to the venue.
and to shingling, daphne and weirong for offering those kind words. =)
the salsa crew
my scouters who've always showed me unconditional care, regardless of how i've somewhat drifted away from the group due to my other committments.
the immediate and scout families
i want to thank everyone who believes in me, for reals.
fame and fortune isn't what i actively seek.
and when i was told that i come across as materialistic and uppity sometime ago, i got a little down.
but then, someone who i hadn't spoke to very often said he senses i'm doing all this upping of profile and all for a bigger purpose.
for what exactly, i don't know.
but rest assured that it isn't the recognition and money i'm after.
because if you know what i'm made of, and if i were seeking the sky, i WILL get it.
i just hope that one day i will have enough influence to help people and to inspire them.
we'll just have to wait and see how i get there.
today gave me an icky feeling about this superstar thing.
let's just say i'm not new to mediacorp, so i know how they work.
so i'm not too optimistic about things on the superstar front.
though, like i said in one of my previous posts...perhaps i will find my sky somewhere else.
i am my harshest critic. i don't need someone who thinks i am.
but i'm not.
one of my favorite pictures of the day
i'm just...me.
go figure.
at last a quiet moment to reflect on the craziness that's been my life for the past few days.
first things first, a recount of sunday.
and to describe the experience in one word - NERVEWRECKING.
apprehension
the stage was fine, the crowd was fine, but with judges scrutinizing you and the waiting for your turn...not cool.
after i was asked to stop singing, the first judge (zheng zhan lun) said i shouldn't have chosen the song because it was too big for me and that i should choose something that's more my range.
from left to right: jimmy ye (partially covered), zheng zhan lun, snr producer 1, snr producer 2, image consultant addy lee.
the next judge (a senior producer) asked if i could dance.
now this guy was in my first audition (yes the one i got kicked out of after being asked tons of questions about myself), so he knew i taught dance.
and i did some shines. they seemed to like it.
with a hop and a skip
zheng zhan lun told me not to choose songs that are too big for my voice and jimmy ye said i must learn to move with the music.
of course, the senior producer guy told me i HAD to improve on my mandarin. =P
and then i got in. =)
it was the green light OR the buzzer
that bit was exhilarating...but i was a little put off by this woman who told me off for asking how the studio lighting was going to be like.
i mean...i wanted to ask because i can then gauge how much make up to put on (so i don't look pale).
her response was "where got people ask this kind of thing one? you should just put on up to your own knowledge."
i'm like..."HUH?!"
then the guy who was briefing me quipped "aiyah she's a professional mah...needs to know lighting so she can gauge mah."
geez.
of course, there were the friends and family who made it all the more worthwhile.
i probably wouldn't have gone for the initial auditions if not for simon and wh's prodding.
and to eric for offering to ferry me to the venue.
and to shingling, daphne and weirong for offering those kind words. =)
the salsa crew
my scouters who've always showed me unconditional care, regardless of how i've somewhat drifted away from the group due to my other committments.
the immediate and scout families
i want to thank everyone who believes in me, for reals.
fame and fortune isn't what i actively seek.
and when i was told that i come across as materialistic and uppity sometime ago, i got a little down.
but then, someone who i hadn't spoke to very often said he senses i'm doing all this upping of profile and all for a bigger purpose.
for what exactly, i don't know.
but rest assured that it isn't the recognition and money i'm after.
because if you know what i'm made of, and if i were seeking the sky, i WILL get it.
i just hope that one day i will have enough influence to help people and to inspire them.
we'll just have to wait and see how i get there.
today gave me an icky feeling about this superstar thing.
let's just say i'm not new to mediacorp, so i know how they work.
so i'm not too optimistic about things on the superstar front.
though, like i said in one of my previous posts...perhaps i will find my sky somewhere else.
i am my harshest critic. i don't need someone who thinks i am.
but i'm not.
one of my favorite pictures of the day
i'm just...me.
go figure.
Saturday, September 16, 2006
DEFYING GRAVITY
i got a phone call after lunch time today.
it was mediacorp.
the girl told me round 2 of auditions was this coming sunday.
and i'm like..."wait, what round 2? wasn't i already out?"
and she's like "they reviewed the tapes and decided to ask you back."
i had gone into operation mode then, taking down details of what to bring and prepare.
then after i set down the phone, i started wishing they weren't just calling me back for blooper purposes.
i think the nervouness has finally set in, after hours of being hyped up by simon, wh and eric.
well, we'll see what tomorrow holds. =)
and then sunday.
yes, i'll be publicly humiliated this sunday if i get stuck off the list.
what the hell am i doing?!
i got a phone call after lunch time today.
it was mediacorp.
the girl told me round 2 of auditions was this coming sunday.
and i'm like..."wait, what round 2? wasn't i already out?"
and she's like "they reviewed the tapes and decided to ask you back."
i had gone into operation mode then, taking down details of what to bring and prepare.
then after i set down the phone, i started wishing they weren't just calling me back for blooper purposes.
i think the nervouness has finally set in, after hours of being hyped up by simon, wh and eric.
well, we'll see what tomorrow holds. =)
and then sunday.
yes, i'll be publicly humiliated this sunday if i get stuck off the list.
what the hell am i doing?!
Thursday, September 14, 2006
DANCING THROUGH LIFE
and i've sent in my supporting documents and cheque to complete the application. =)
now all that's left to do is...WAIT.
it's dad's birthday today.
with everything that's happened, i'm glad he's finding some time to breathe now.
happy birthday daddy.
still ain't in no mood to write about why superheros turn evil.
but WICKED's still on my mind.
and here's a preview to my yarn on superheros-turned-bad...
so if you care to find me
look to the western sky
as someone told me lately:
"ev'ryone deserves the chance to fly"
and if i'm flying solo
at least i'm flying free
to those who'd ground me
take a message back from me:
tell them how i am defying gravity
i'm flying high defying gravity
and soon i'll match them in renown
and nobody in all of oz
no wizard that there is or was
is ever gonna bring me down!
elphaba aka the wicked witch of the west makes a lotta sense.
on a separate note, these lyrics kinda made me sit up and listen earlier...
I know I’m usually hanging on
I used to hate to see you gone
But this time it’s different
I don’t even feel the distance
I’m not missing
I’m not missing you
and in this case, absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder.
and i've sent in my supporting documents and cheque to complete the application. =)
now all that's left to do is...WAIT.
it's dad's birthday today.
with everything that's happened, i'm glad he's finding some time to breathe now.
happy birthday daddy.
still ain't in no mood to write about why superheros turn evil.
but WICKED's still on my mind.
and here's a preview to my yarn on superheros-turned-bad...
so if you care to find me
look to the western sky
as someone told me lately:
"ev'ryone deserves the chance to fly"
and if i'm flying solo
at least i'm flying free
to those who'd ground me
take a message back from me:
tell them how i am defying gravity
i'm flying high defying gravity
and soon i'll match them in renown
and nobody in all of oz
no wizard that there is or was
is ever gonna bring me down!
elphaba aka the wicked witch of the west makes a lotta sense.
on a separate note, these lyrics kinda made me sit up and listen earlier...
I know I’m usually hanging on
I used to hate to see you gone
But this time it’s different
I don’t even feel the distance
I’m not missing
I’m not missing you
and in this case, absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
ONE SHORT DAY
i've finally gotten the application out of the way!
uhhuh...i figured i've procrastinated long enough about applying to the university so i just came home, had dinner and sat meself down to DO IT.
just under three hours later, i'm done.
all that's left to be done is to mail in my cheque (which i've written) and my supporting documents (which i will photocopy tomorrow).
YAY! =)
and now, my brains feel fried and my neck's feeling awfully sore.
so i think i'll write about "why superheros turn evil" tomorrow. =)
one short day in the emerald city.
i've finally gotten the application out of the way!
uhhuh...i figured i've procrastinated long enough about applying to the university so i just came home, had dinner and sat meself down to DO IT.
just under three hours later, i'm done.
all that's left to be done is to mail in my cheque (which i've written) and my supporting documents (which i will photocopy tomorrow).
YAY! =)
and now, my brains feel fried and my neck's feeling awfully sore.
so i think i'll write about "why superheros turn evil" tomorrow. =)
one short day in the emerald city.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
I'M NOT THAT GIRL
i just spent my weekly indulgence on a CD.
yes...i bought one, something which i haven't done in a long time.
and i had wanted it so much on a whim that i walked back to borders to get it after That CD Shop told me they didn't have it (like, what?!).
i had chanced upon the CD at borders earlier when i thought i'd just browse a little before heading off to training.
i chose one song to listen to.
and i was instantly hooked.
i wanted that CD so badly, yet didn't want to spend close to 30 bucks for it.
anyways, yes...i got it...the soundtrack of a new musical called Wicked.
i saw the book too and the context made me want to get the CD even more.
it's about the wicked witch of the west in the story of the wizard of oz and how things are told from her perspective.
and perhaps she's not as evil as she's made out to be, evil being subject to interpretation.
so now i've gotten the soundtrack, i shall probably wait a few more weeks before i spend another indulgence on the book. =)
the song which struck such a chord in me is one called "I'm Not That Girl".
hands touch, eyes meet
sudden silence, sudden heat
hearts leap in a giddy whirl
he could be that boy
but i'm not that girl
don't dream too far
don't lose sight of who you are
don't remember that rush of joy
he could be that boy
i'm not that girl
ev'ry so often we long to steal
to the land of what-might-have-been
but that doesn't soften the ache we feel
when the reality sets back in
blithe smile, lithe limb
she who's winsome, she wins him
gold hair and a gentle curl
that's the girl he chose
and heaven knows
i'm not that girl...
don't wish, don't start
wishing only wounds the heart
i wasn't born for the rose and pearl
there's a girl i know
he loves her so
i'm not that girl...
and if it's still on when i make my trip to new york next year...
he could be that boy
but i'm not that girl.
i just spent my weekly indulgence on a CD.
yes...i bought one, something which i haven't done in a long time.
and i had wanted it so much on a whim that i walked back to borders to get it after That CD Shop told me they didn't have it (like, what?!).
i had chanced upon the CD at borders earlier when i thought i'd just browse a little before heading off to training.
i chose one song to listen to.
and i was instantly hooked.
i wanted that CD so badly, yet didn't want to spend close to 30 bucks for it.
anyways, yes...i got it...the soundtrack of a new musical called Wicked.
i saw the book too and the context made me want to get the CD even more.
it's about the wicked witch of the west in the story of the wizard of oz and how things are told from her perspective.
and perhaps she's not as evil as she's made out to be, evil being subject to interpretation.
so now i've gotten the soundtrack, i shall probably wait a few more weeks before i spend another indulgence on the book. =)
the song which struck such a chord in me is one called "I'm Not That Girl".
hands touch, eyes meet
sudden silence, sudden heat
hearts leap in a giddy whirl
he could be that boy
but i'm not that girl
don't dream too far
don't lose sight of who you are
don't remember that rush of joy
he could be that boy
i'm not that girl
ev'ry so often we long to steal
to the land of what-might-have-been
but that doesn't soften the ache we feel
when the reality sets back in
blithe smile, lithe limb
she who's winsome, she wins him
gold hair and a gentle curl
that's the girl he chose
and heaven knows
i'm not that girl...
don't wish, don't start
wishing only wounds the heart
i wasn't born for the rose and pearl
there's a girl i know
he loves her so
i'm not that girl...
and if it's still on when i make my trip to new york next year...
he could be that boy
but i'm not that girl.
Sunday, September 10, 2006
AND SO THE STORY GOES...
and so another week passes without the nightly phone calls or visits.
it hasn't been as hard as i thought it would be, but it hasn't been that easy either.
i think it's been just under a month since i've stopped seeing him, but just under a week of totally cutting off all contact with him.
he left me a CARS dvd by my door step yesterday, with a note that said it was meant to be a surprise so he might as well just give it to me.
and that he is leaving me for good since i'm doing nothing to resolve our differences.
i don't know which was it...the note or the movie...that made me tear a little.
nowadays, i don't tear that much. i just feel some pain.
of course, now that i'm writing about it, i tear.
CARS was a movie we had both enjoyed enough to watch twice.
anyways, yes...yet another week.
and with each week that passes without him, i feel more blessed to be back home.
because even if there's no one at home, i can go to my parents' or brother's rooms, and still feel they're there.
and cry in bed, pretending that they're beside me.
this is just another hiccup to keep me going.
and everytime i encounter one, i gain so much more to push me along life.
while in the past i cried about why i was being tormented so in my months with my dear boyfriend, i now cry about how i failed my relationship.
i'm now crying, finally in mourning.
i had loved him...i do still love him.
but why am i not with him?
because i love him enough to not want him to get into trouble because of me.
of course, he would never know that.
i'd rather just let him think i didn't do enough as a girlfriend.
but, for the record, i loved him.
and i shall remember the little things that made it all worthwhile, even if it was short-lived.
like the time he raced from suntec to my place with an ice cream cone of wild strawberry in his bike box.
on a separate note, i'm thankful my brother is alive and with me today.
i would never have gotten through any of those rough patches (in school, work and relationship) without his presence.
and i'm glad to be home.
and so another week passes without the nightly phone calls or visits.
it hasn't been as hard as i thought it would be, but it hasn't been that easy either.
i think it's been just under a month since i've stopped seeing him, but just under a week of totally cutting off all contact with him.
he left me a CARS dvd by my door step yesterday, with a note that said it was meant to be a surprise so he might as well just give it to me.
and that he is leaving me for good since i'm doing nothing to resolve our differences.
i don't know which was it...the note or the movie...that made me tear a little.
nowadays, i don't tear that much. i just feel some pain.
of course, now that i'm writing about it, i tear.
CARS was a movie we had both enjoyed enough to watch twice.
anyways, yes...yet another week.
and with each week that passes without him, i feel more blessed to be back home.
because even if there's no one at home, i can go to my parents' or brother's rooms, and still feel they're there.
and cry in bed, pretending that they're beside me.
this is just another hiccup to keep me going.
and everytime i encounter one, i gain so much more to push me along life.
while in the past i cried about why i was being tormented so in my months with my dear boyfriend, i now cry about how i failed my relationship.
i'm now crying, finally in mourning.
i had loved him...i do still love him.
but why am i not with him?
because i love him enough to not want him to get into trouble because of me.
of course, he would never know that.
i'd rather just let him think i didn't do enough as a girlfriend.
but, for the record, i loved him.
and i shall remember the little things that made it all worthwhile, even if it was short-lived.
like the time he raced from suntec to my place with an ice cream cone of wild strawberry in his bike box.
on a separate note, i'm thankful my brother is alive and with me today.
i would never have gotten through any of those rough patches (in school, work and relationship) without his presence.
and i'm glad to be home.
Saturday, September 09, 2006
PROJECT SUPERSTAR AUDITIONS
after a bout of to-ing and fro-ing, i was convinced to go for the auditions...just for the heck of it.
but the friends enhanced the excitement factor a whole lot.
in the end, simon started queueing just after 12am, wh brought him breakfast, and eric gave me a lift to hdb hub.
all this for someone who's still recovering from a sore throat.
so of course, when i didn't get in (the story comes later), the first people i thought of were them.
i felt guilty to have had the guys do all these for me for seemingly...nothing.
and i'm exceedingly greatful for them, and others, who've offered their support and encouragement.
so here're some pictures from the event...
check out the queue at past 8am
and after we got the number stickers...
THE pose
we had to take one of the number...
how could we expect it to keep sticking on our chest?
and while waiting to be herded into the audition area...
talking to the girl behind me
it was a rather interesting experience.
they had let me finish my chorus of the first song...then asked about my job and why i spoke mandarin the way i did.
and then they asked me to sing another song that showed off my voice more...and i had to tell them i was recovering from a sore throat, so couldn't quite do a lot more.
after they heard a little more of the next song, they stopped me and the buzzer came on.
so i was out.
but they still kept asking me about my job and what else i did.
like...odd.
hmm.
in any case, simon, wh and eric...thanks for being my superstars. =)
i believe everything happens for a reason, so there's probably one for me not getting in...whether it's my voice, or whatever.
especially after wh said last night that i would have to forget about salsa, or teaching or anything else if i actually got in.
maybe the reason is for me to keep at what i'm doing because something big's about to happen. =)
and maybe everything that's happened in recent weeks is telling me something.
care to fathom a guess? =)
love,
little superhero girl.
she's back.
after a bout of to-ing and fro-ing, i was convinced to go for the auditions...just for the heck of it.
but the friends enhanced the excitement factor a whole lot.
in the end, simon started queueing just after 12am, wh brought him breakfast, and eric gave me a lift to hdb hub.
all this for someone who's still recovering from a sore throat.
so of course, when i didn't get in (the story comes later), the first people i thought of were them.
i felt guilty to have had the guys do all these for me for seemingly...nothing.
and i'm exceedingly greatful for them, and others, who've offered their support and encouragement.
so here're some pictures from the event...
check out the queue at past 8am
and after we got the number stickers...
THE pose
we had to take one of the number...
how could we expect it to keep sticking on our chest?
and while waiting to be herded into the audition area...
talking to the girl behind me
it was a rather interesting experience.
they had let me finish my chorus of the first song...then asked about my job and why i spoke mandarin the way i did.
and then they asked me to sing another song that showed off my voice more...and i had to tell them i was recovering from a sore throat, so couldn't quite do a lot more.
after they heard a little more of the next song, they stopped me and the buzzer came on.
so i was out.
but they still kept asking me about my job and what else i did.
like...odd.
hmm.
in any case, simon, wh and eric...thanks for being my superstars. =)
i believe everything happens for a reason, so there's probably one for me not getting in...whether it's my voice, or whatever.
especially after wh said last night that i would have to forget about salsa, or teaching or anything else if i actually got in.
maybe the reason is for me to keep at what i'm doing because something big's about to happen. =)
and maybe everything that's happened in recent weeks is telling me something.
care to fathom a guess? =)
love,
little superhero girl.
she's back.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
PICTURE POSTCARDS FROM LA
hopefully that wouldn't be too long away. =)
spoke to elim last night about several things, but mostly to thank her for offering me that vote of confidence.
but before i even opened my mouth to talk to her yesterday, she said...
"i know you have the strength to get through this. I can feel it."
made me wanna cry.
so anyways, here's the SHINE panel after our post-mortem meeting...
the motley crew
unlike most of our past meetings, everyone sorta lingered around after we ended.
maybe we just didn't wanna believe the madness was over for the year.
and we all got letters of appreciation from the parl sec. =)
and here's something jon and i were working on for the past month...which i was tell you more about later...
jon and i were trying to grab one presentable picture before we headed in for the dinner.
will post more later. =)
hopefully that wouldn't be too long away. =)
spoke to elim last night about several things, but mostly to thank her for offering me that vote of confidence.
but before i even opened my mouth to talk to her yesterday, she said...
"i know you have the strength to get through this. I can feel it."
made me wanna cry.
so anyways, here's the SHINE panel after our post-mortem meeting...
the motley crew
unlike most of our past meetings, everyone sorta lingered around after we ended.
maybe we just didn't wanna believe the madness was over for the year.
and we all got letters of appreciation from the parl sec. =)
and here's something jon and i were working on for the past month...which i was tell you more about later...
jon and i were trying to grab one presentable picture before we headed in for the dinner.
will post more later. =)
Monday, September 04, 2006
CHANGE OF HEART
i was quite taken by this song by olivia newton john when i first heard it many years back.
i had found it pretty unusual for a woman to sing about having a change of heart and telling her partner she's sorry.
anyways, my babies performed really well saturday night!
i was like a proud mother hen parading them and winking at them from the judges table.
my voice was another story though.
i had totally lost if after the pageant, thankfully after the workshop me and jon had to give.
saturday morning mom and i headed out for a bit before i had to run to swissotel for the pageant rehearsals.
we were talking about babies and she said my dad would be so excited to have a grandchild.
my dad's really cute.
he's the first guy my mom knows who isn't afraid of newborns and of breaking their necks.
she said when i was born, my dad didn't hesitate to carry me at all, even though i was premature and weighed only 4 pounds.
he's just extremely good with kids.
speaking of which, i haven't seen that baby i had in my arms just about 3 weeks back for a long while.
mom says he's gotten a little bigger and looks really cute.
poor thing still doesn't have a name yet.
finally went to the doc's last night.
mom told me when she told dad that we've broken up again, he said he was hoping we'd make things work.
quite sad really.
he isn't going to give up.
says he wants to prove to me that he can love me for me and love me the right way.
sigh.
i don't want anyone to prove anything to me.
i just want to mesh seamlessly with someone else.
there shouldn't be any sorta "proving" involved. =(
on that note, i shall end my short rambling for tonight.
and pay my tribute to steve irwin - the crocodile hunter.
i've watched his crocodile hunter series for as long as i can remember.
loved him, his wife and his kids.
it's just sad to know he's gone, leaving behind his wife and two young children.
good night steve.
i was quite taken by this song by olivia newton john when i first heard it many years back.
i had found it pretty unusual for a woman to sing about having a change of heart and telling her partner she's sorry.
anyways, my babies performed really well saturday night!
i was like a proud mother hen parading them and winking at them from the judges table.
my voice was another story though.
i had totally lost if after the pageant, thankfully after the workshop me and jon had to give.
saturday morning mom and i headed out for a bit before i had to run to swissotel for the pageant rehearsals.
we were talking about babies and she said my dad would be so excited to have a grandchild.
my dad's really cute.
he's the first guy my mom knows who isn't afraid of newborns and of breaking their necks.
she said when i was born, my dad didn't hesitate to carry me at all, even though i was premature and weighed only 4 pounds.
he's just extremely good with kids.
speaking of which, i haven't seen that baby i had in my arms just about 3 weeks back for a long while.
mom says he's gotten a little bigger and looks really cute.
poor thing still doesn't have a name yet.
finally went to the doc's last night.
mom told me when she told dad that we've broken up again, he said he was hoping we'd make things work.
quite sad really.
he isn't going to give up.
says he wants to prove to me that he can love me for me and love me the right way.
sigh.
i don't want anyone to prove anything to me.
i just want to mesh seamlessly with someone else.
there shouldn't be any sorta "proving" involved. =(
on that note, i shall end my short rambling for tonight.
and pay my tribute to steve irwin - the crocodile hunter.
i've watched his crocodile hunter series for as long as i can remember.
loved him, his wife and his kids.
it's just sad to know he's gone, leaving behind his wife and two young children.
good night steve.
Sunday, September 03, 2006
LINGER
a few things settled into tangible thoughts as i sat silent in the cab this evening, nursing my VERY sore throat.
firstly, of how speaking in front of a crowd comes so naturally to me now i have no qualms about hosting an event with the bare minimum of information.
i had a very bad throat, but managed to hold up the workshop segment of the pageant with jon still.
after the whole thing, the hosts (who did quite badly, IMHO) told me i was even better on stage than them.
i had to bring up a "no comparison" thing because i've been doing it for years and it's my job to talk.
in the cab, i was brought back to how i'm always being coerced to ad-lib my pieces to camera at work.
it's SO BLOODY hard to not script and just speak about the subject without running off tangent.
but i realized...if i haven't been teaching for a while, i would've done even worse at ad-libbing.
and if i hadn't been exposed to so many unpaid emceeing gigs before caliente even came along, i don't think i would've started teaching anyways.
so yes...everything's coming full circle.
second thing is...
i can't remember.
i just want to lie down and cry.
cuz i'm in so deep
you know i'm such a fool for you
you got me wrapped around your finger now
do you have to let it linger
do you have to, do you have to
do you have to let it linger
a few things settled into tangible thoughts as i sat silent in the cab this evening, nursing my VERY sore throat.
firstly, of how speaking in front of a crowd comes so naturally to me now i have no qualms about hosting an event with the bare minimum of information.
i had a very bad throat, but managed to hold up the workshop segment of the pageant with jon still.
after the whole thing, the hosts (who did quite badly, IMHO) told me i was even better on stage than them.
i had to bring up a "no comparison" thing because i've been doing it for years and it's my job to talk.
in the cab, i was brought back to how i'm always being coerced to ad-lib my pieces to camera at work.
it's SO BLOODY hard to not script and just speak about the subject without running off tangent.
but i realized...if i haven't been teaching for a while, i would've done even worse at ad-libbing.
and if i hadn't been exposed to so many unpaid emceeing gigs before caliente even came along, i don't think i would've started teaching anyways.
so yes...everything's coming full circle.
second thing is...
i can't remember.
i just want to lie down and cry.
cuz i'm in so deep
you know i'm such a fool for you
you got me wrapped around your finger now
do you have to let it linger
do you have to, do you have to
do you have to let it linger
Saturday, September 02, 2006
BAD VIBE
i've never felt this strongly about someone before.
and i don't even know the person, really.
i've met her a few times but from the first time i came in contact with her, she just gives me the creeps.
not that i'm afraid of her.
i just...(and this doesn't happen often at all) don't think i like her at all.
aiyah.
maybe she's just a young girl who knows not what she wants or does.
i believe these actions might get her into trouble one day, if she hasn't been in it already.
don't know why i feel so bothered.
i've never felt this strongly about someone before.
and i don't even know the person, really.
i've met her a few times but from the first time i came in contact with her, she just gives me the creeps.
not that i'm afraid of her.
i just...(and this doesn't happen often at all) don't think i like her at all.
aiyah.
maybe she's just a young girl who knows not what she wants or does.
i believe these actions might get her into trouble one day, if she hasn't been in it already.
don't know why i feel so bothered.
Friday, September 01, 2006
BABY BLUES
yesterday, during my semi-last session with the counselor, i had a revelation.
if the ex relationship were just one with no pledges or committment involved, it would be so simple to let fly.
but to have pictured yourself getting married, having children and growing old with your partner...that adds a whole new dimension to the relationship.
that pledge, in itself, is a committment.
and if either party can't see it, then i've got no more words.
i had never thought of being with someone or having kids when i was younger.
i was all about non-conformity and had the "marriage is just a piece of paper" shit.
marriage, to me, is still just a piece of paper.
but i changed my mind about children.
particularly after doing so much social work and caring for children who were undergoing cancer treatment, mental and physical disabilities.
i have a bond with kids...perhaps i developed it as i grew older.
it's like, if you have an affinity to something, you'd be more receptive to the idea.
and i have it with children.
and so i realized last night that i so looked forward to having kids with him that i held on to the belief that we would work out.
of course, i wouldn't have been dumb enough to make any bigger committment if he didn't treat me right.
or maybe it's just all this talk and articles about how the world's population is shrinking because people don't seem to want to have kids anymore.
according to the latest issue of newsweek (which had a requiem for pluto), italy, greece and spain were once synonymous with fruitful families.
now they are tied for europe's lowest birthrates.
women are getting their eggs frozen so they don't need to contend with their biological clock.
for me, i know my destiny calls for marriage and family to come after my work's done.
but i hope that wouldn't take too long.
on the flip side, it wouldn't matter if i don't meet anyone who takes me as i am.
hmm.
so there's no hurry.
just have to hold back singing the lullaby i wrote for my first child.
go to sleep now, little one
night has come, dreams have begun
i will be right by your side till dawn is done
close your eyes now, little one
mommy's here, no harm will come
when you wake all your troubles be gone
little one.
yesterday, during my semi-last session with the counselor, i had a revelation.
if the ex relationship were just one with no pledges or committment involved, it would be so simple to let fly.
but to have pictured yourself getting married, having children and growing old with your partner...that adds a whole new dimension to the relationship.
that pledge, in itself, is a committment.
and if either party can't see it, then i've got no more words.
i had never thought of being with someone or having kids when i was younger.
i was all about non-conformity and had the "marriage is just a piece of paper" shit.
marriage, to me, is still just a piece of paper.
but i changed my mind about children.
particularly after doing so much social work and caring for children who were undergoing cancer treatment, mental and physical disabilities.
i have a bond with kids...perhaps i developed it as i grew older.
it's like, if you have an affinity to something, you'd be more receptive to the idea.
and i have it with children.
and so i realized last night that i so looked forward to having kids with him that i held on to the belief that we would work out.
of course, i wouldn't have been dumb enough to make any bigger committment if he didn't treat me right.
or maybe it's just all this talk and articles about how the world's population is shrinking because people don't seem to want to have kids anymore.
according to the latest issue of newsweek (which had a requiem for pluto), italy, greece and spain were once synonymous with fruitful families.
now they are tied for europe's lowest birthrates.
women are getting their eggs frozen so they don't need to contend with their biological clock.
for me, i know my destiny calls for marriage and family to come after my work's done.
but i hope that wouldn't take too long.
on the flip side, it wouldn't matter if i don't meet anyone who takes me as i am.
hmm.
so there's no hurry.
just have to hold back singing the lullaby i wrote for my first child.
go to sleep now, little one
night has come, dreams have begun
i will be right by your side till dawn is done
close your eyes now, little one
mommy's here, no harm will come
when you wake all your troubles be gone
little one.
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