GOING TO THE CHAPEL

ah yes, time for the photographs to be exhibited. =)

big bird's wedding saturday night was all right, even though the event organizers were kan cheong as hell...

the justice of peace was a bloody grumpy old man.

what an oxymoron for a guy like him. =P

anyways, the real highlight of the night was the SSTT reunion, save for bert (who's out at sea) and grover (who's inactive).

so here's us...


elmie, oscar, ernie and cookie.

big bert and big momma were teetering around entertaining guests.

we finally managed to grab them for a group pic...


cookie, elmie, kelly (mrs big bird), kian tiong (big bird), oscar, big momma, ernie.

here's our scout group...


YCSOG.

my family...


me, bro, dad, mom.

us sisters (trying to figure out whose hair is longer)...


oscar and elmie.

and from friday, our graduating B1 class...



man i love my life.

well, most of it. =)

BACK IN TIME

and with an envelope on my desk marked "Serene", mark started off my work week with a smile.

i remember the eulogy i wrote for writcomm and how i had written one here sometime back.

i wonder who i'd get to read mine, and if there would be a session at all.

perhaps there wouldn't be a send-off.

or maybe, i'll read my own.

THE BIRTHDAY SONG

so light a candle on your cake
for every smile you've helped create
for every heart and every soul
you've helped to grow a little more.

25 years.

sure, i've got some to show for it.

but i'd just wish someone would tell me "HUO(2) GAI(1)".

because for everything i've done, i've brought upon myself.

the past week has been especially frustrating.

i went on leave to get some rest, do some work.

at the end of it, i've done no work and gotten no rest.

i had to run errands during the day and stay home at odd hours for service people to come repair the lights, the cable system and the wardrobe.

if only they could all come in one day. but no...my whole week was at their beck and call.

and because of such odd hours, i have not been able to settle myself properly and do work.

i've been slacking on my week off. and there's nothing to feel good about.

sweet gestures are never wasted, but they can be taken for granted.

my boss has been so tolerant of me that i can't imagine putting myself in his shoes.

i'd have fired me two weeks back. seriously.

i slacked. i had taken my working hours for granted. i was so late i wouldn't have tolerated myself.

ME. ME. ME.

i am the cause of everything.

and i know fully well that i am.

because i am fully responsible for my own actions.

so if this happens again, i will quit my job.

i simply can't bear to involve my boss in my emotional whims.

i'm the idiot, the selfish girl, the one who blames the whole wide world for her downfalls.

and i suppose i need to thank the boyfriend for slapping me awake.

lin shiyin.

HUO GAI.

NI HUO GAI.

dearly beloved...

aiyah don't know what to write lah.

just want the bed to eat me up.

IT'S ALL ABOUT THE MONEY

meja sings how it's all about the money and that she "don't think it's funny."

sure, money matters aren't trivial.

though personal experiences and friends' gripes have shown me how consumed people can become with material things.

it's also because of those personal experiences that've taught me to treasure health and wellbeing more than money.

the topic of dinero came about during lunch with a new girl friend today...who agreed that she would be teaching out of passion.

i'm just glad her objectives are in line with mine.

when i was younger and working six bucks an hour in a restaurant, i was just glad to be able to make some money and spend an awful lot of time doing it, and not spending the money.

that mentality has carried itself forward...and that will not change.

i remember not going to movies with my friends because i wanted to save the money.

it may've just been seven bucks, but a few of those seven dollars could go a long way in my savings account.

after a while, i just didn't get the impetus to watch movies.

it's all about conditioning, i suppose.

when i was into saving money then, i didn't even spend on food.

come lunch time during poly, i'd take out my pack of six (yes six, no more, no less) digestive biscuits and downed them slowly.

that was my lunch. and i only had them when i had the time to eat.

i think now it's time to activate my saving prowess again.

been spending way too much of late.

IF YOU WANT IT

come and get it.

i never believed things just fall onto your lap.

i still don't believe it.

recent events have shown that i reap what i sow.

even though i haven't said or done much for the most recent development, fact is...i was asked.

i'd like to think it's because of what i've sowed in the past that's brought me the current situation.

i have a lot to be thankful for:

1) my scout group, which as stood behind me all this while...even when i had to take a break without reason (to them).

2) salsa and teaching.

among other things.

of course, there's a group of people who have a blind belief in me now, because of my track record.

that group includes my parents, my boss, my ex-bosses, and some people who i don't quite know but seem to see something in me they like.

you who knows me knows that i want to up my profile.

it's no secret.

but i will not rest on my laurels and go below the belt.

watch me do it my way.

it's a good thing i don't have any major committments now.

*a "you're doing good" or a pat on the back will be nice from time to time. =) but i apologize in advance for not being able to be around that much.*

THE NEXT BIG THING

it's been laid out in front of me.

if i grab it, there'll be no turning back.

if i've always believed it to be my destiny, there'd be no question.

so why am i hesitating?

hmm.

i think i'll do it. =)

wish me luck.

watch me SHINE.

ELMO SONG

you might not feel this way..
but do you know that even though it has only been 3 years plus (still counting) we've got to know each other, i always feel that you're the bestest big sister i can ever wish for. you are like my role model, my inspiration and most importantly, you are who you are whom i am truely blessed to have.
simply by just talking to me.. you've taught me so much and helped me see things in so many different lights.
as much as i would like to do anything for you.. i know i'm unable to do anything for you in return, but i really thank you for every little thing you have done that may not even seem significant to you, meant a great deal to me.

elmie baby, it's my pleasure.

now if only some people could see things the way you do.

some people think i'm a bad influence.

yay.

EVERY SINGLE DAY

from the writer of "i write the songs"...

Every single day
We'll remember what we do today
Words we didn't say
We'll remember every single day
Then years go by
To wonder why and wonder what we learned
Was that the bridge we should've crossed?
The one we burned

Every empty night
To regret a life that could'a been
Maybe you were right
Just forget that emptiness within
So if you go
Before that moment's gone
Look at me the way
I'll remember every single day
From now on

You deserve
I don't know…
What…
The man I'd love to be
That's not the way it turned out
No you fell in love with me

Everything you doubt
I will fight for
Every single day
Help me work it out
Make it right for
Every single day
But this I swear
And stake my life upon
If you go or stay
I will love you
As I do today
And I'll love you
Every single day
From now on

how brilliant.

barry manilow.

YOU DON'T KNOW ME

i had a strong urge to put my hand on someone's shoulder tonight.

i did it, gave it a slight squeeze and told her to take care.

and i don't really know her.

there were a few reasons i couldn't stay...

1) training left me pretty exhausted and i could hardly muster up another word before collapsing.

2) i couldn't stand being around people who know me.

so i said bye to the crowd and walked away.

and as i did, the band was playing tanya chua's "wu di dong", literally translated into "bottomless pit".

hopped onto 196 and zipped home.

*blood still needs to be let*

i feel so much pain within me but i don't see it.

in the usual cases of blood-letting, people cut themselves. at least they can see the pain materializing in the form of blood.

so short of cutting myself as catharsis, i guess i can only walk it out and cry as i go along.

do not confuse blood-letting with ridding yourself of stress.

pain and stress are quite distinctly different.

pain you can hide quite easily.

you can feel perpetually depressed and not exhibit a sign of it.

stress you can't hide.

it shows on your person - the way you speak, your face...especially your eyes.

i need a form of blood-letting.

writing doesn't seem to be doing the trick.

wah lau, i didn't know the last entry was so angsty until i read it over.

=P

LITTLE SUPERHERO GIRL (reprise)

i've got work piled up to my head
all i wanna do is jump into bed
and wash away my troubles with lemonade.

like, seriously.

just give me a lemonade and my queen-sized bed, splashed with my coolness sheets.

with the craziness that's work, school, scouts and SHINE on my back, i'm so glad i don't need to deal with anyone else's whims for now.

on that front, i always thought that friends or loved ones would be there as support when it comes to such times, not to add more pressure.

and for that, i thank my family for their patience.

despite me living away from my family, they are still tops when it comes to priority.

if i didn't have classes, or training or meetings, i'd make my way back down to that HDB flat we struggled to get for an evening with the grandaunt, brother and parents.

unfortunately, once i started going out with someone, that priority changed...when it really shouldn't have.

considering what my family has done/is doing for me, they should always be tops.

and as much as i would love my boyfriend...he needs to understand that my family and i have gone through the pits together, so i'm bound to them in that way.

so that, added on to the other crazy-but-cool shit that's going on in my life now, he needs to be fairly confident of himself.

i had tried compromising.

but it wasn't enough.

so i just kept trying...and i started to lose my sense of self.

if someone could just tell me that i was the worst girlfriend ever.

it would be like blood-letting.

then i would know i wasn't girlfriend material (which wouldn't make me wife-material either...hmm.)

so i've come to a conclusion.

i will not compromise my values, my thoughts, my self.

i was an idiot to think compromise could change things.

nothing can change the fact that i was made to feel like a bottom feeder. a parasite. a hypocrite. whatchamacallit.

I WAS MADE TO FEEL LIKE SHIT.

when the F-word was a staple in my vocabulary, it no longer is.

there's only been one person who's used that and directed it at me.

FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU.

serene. FUCK YOU.

*my blood needs to be let.*

just let this part of me die.

WEST SIDE STORY

it's kinda like a west side story.

speaking of which...i've kinda lost all mood for theater, for now.

actually, i think i've kinda lost all mood for everything.

like...don't touch me, don't talk to me, don't ask me, don't even look at me.

anyways, i finally understand what mark means by getting a new perspective when you shift your feet.

new room, new view, and yes, new perspective.

i'm still feeling pretty angsty, but looking out my window calms me that slightly.

and here it is...*drumroll*



so after the madness that is moving and unpacking (still doing it!) and the on2 class, the family and i went for a birthday dinner for the march babies.

one of my favorite places at purvis street...



and here're the birthday girls with the grandma...



elmie caught up with me for a bit friday night before class and brought me some japanese jelly and this little fella...



she said the star reminded her of me. =)

and i couldn't resist taking a picture of husky with desiree's caesar salad...=P



so much for a photoblog.

snapping pictures makes me happy, for now.

EVERY BEAT OF MY HEART

cuz i don't know where your journey goes
or how long it will take to unfold
but as long as we keep this moment shining in the dark
i will be watching over every beat of your heart.

i wonder how many people i've introduced corrinne may to remember this song.

but i hope while i'm doing it, someone's watching over every beat of my heart.

SWAY

current msn nick: little superhero girl: don't let me drown, let me down.

i lost my pink razr yesterday.

along with it went a piece of my heart.

all of our pictures, including some of my favorites...all gone.

and as it fell away into nothingness, so did those memories...all stored in that one, small phone.

so it's not about the phone.

and don't you, reader, even dare think of getting me something new.

let me mourn my losses.

IT'S GOOD TO BE ME

no, really.

after a long hiatus from the scene, here i am again, driveling.

it's been quite a journey, and i've grown from it.

no one experience should be wasted or regretted.

and so it goes.

it's good to be me because i hurt.

and that tells me i am, indeed, human.

it's good to be me because i cry, and laugh (sometimes both at the same time).

that tells me i am exploring my spectrum of emotions.

it's good to be me because i have a great boss.

this means i should be working a lot harder to help him achieve our goals.

it's good to be me because i know who i am.

and that no one should ever be able to make me feel like a lesser person.

it's good to be me...just because.

and this means i don't need anyone as an emotional crutch.

i'll show you all i can stand alone.

and i need no one.

GREASE LIGHTNING

well it almost feels like that when we're riding.


post-lunch cheekiness

and here's a different me from when i had my first picture taken on his bike...


yummy bike

and i think he looks so darn cute here...


love you baby.

oh c'mon, just indulge in me for this once. =)

IF I KISSED YOU

would fireworks fly.

yes they would, if you time your kisses properly to coincide with the lights during the chinese new year. =P

anyhow...it's about time i get back into some real writing.

fiddling with the keys is one thing i should get back to soon.

perhaps i can work something out on my own this time around.

i will have music in my life.