so you read about me going for an audition for College Girls.
turns out it wasn't an audition after all. it was a briefing.
i'm in. i just don't know what role i'll be playing...and neither do the rest of the cast.
our photoshoot's next saturday and rehearsals start the following monday.
for the first rehearsal, we'll each have to prepare a monologue and dance to "showcase" our level of...well...acting and movement.
the director said i could do a character song...so i'm considering Adelaide's Lament from Guys and Dolls, and Always True To You In My Fashion from Kiss Me Kate. it's a character song...so neither's gonna sound like me...haha...
dance-wise, i'm deciding between salsa and hip hop...geez...can't believe i have to dance in front of all of them.
but yes...i'm in College Girls and we'll be playing from 27th to 29th August...i think.
my first musical...and we'll have a cast recording!
Wednesday, June 30, 2004
Monday, June 28, 2004
i'm beginning to detest music videos.
not that i had much of a liking for them previously.
as richard marx once put forth, music videos rob the listener of a personal interpretation of the song. that's why richard marx hasn't made a music video since Hazard.
i just heard britney spears' Everytime (the umpteenth time i've heard it today) on kiisfm 102.7 online. it's got a great melody...the lyrics suck major though. the first time i encountered the song was through its mtv. it was well-done but extremely disturbing. it sure puts an image to the song...and i'm not sure i want that.
i can't imagine turning on the telly one day and chancing upon an mtv of the real thing's You To Me Are Everything. geez...the horror!
and by the way, the only reason i still watch mtv asia, is because of their other programs like Made, award shows and some other productions...just not because of music videos. dang.
not that i had much of a liking for them previously.
as richard marx once put forth, music videos rob the listener of a personal interpretation of the song. that's why richard marx hasn't made a music video since Hazard.
i just heard britney spears' Everytime (the umpteenth time i've heard it today) on kiisfm 102.7 online. it's got a great melody...the lyrics suck major though. the first time i encountered the song was through its mtv. it was well-done but extremely disturbing. it sure puts an image to the song...and i'm not sure i want that.
i can't imagine turning on the telly one day and chancing upon an mtv of the real thing's You To Me Are Everything. geez...the horror!
and by the way, the only reason i still watch mtv asia, is because of their other programs like Made, award shows and some other productions...just not because of music videos. dang.
i could always tell when someone likes someone...no matter how he tries to convince himself that he doesn't.
i just know.
the problem with people these days is they think too far ahead. he thinks "oh, she's going away for good after a while so i'd better not pursue it". doesn't this idiot realize that if, just if, she liked him too, all that COULD change?
when i say idiotas, i ain't just referring to the working class. modern-day teenagers think of such shit.
i went through poly, living on a bet with my mom that i'd never date anyone while in poly. i had too much to focus on and dating would only pull me away from my goals. well...she won. i dated cole.
but all through poly, i kept going on the idea of leaving singapore right after graduation. nothing changed that. though i dare say it was partly because i wasn't in love at any point of my life till then...or now, for that matter.
it's amusing to know that as much as people do want to fall in love, no one has the balls to take the plunge.
if every guy who meets a fantastic girl says "there's no use pursuing the relationship because she's gonna leave anyway", it's as good as saying "we're gonna die in 50 years anyways, so what's the point of getting together?"
i know it's a gross exaggeration, but you know what i mean.
if anyone were to make such statements, they've got helluva head on their shoulders...probably a dumbkopf.
sometimes the heart
should follow the mind
sometimes the heart
should tell the mind to stay at home and
stop interferring
- LOVE, on the birthday card to Grover.
i just know.
the problem with people these days is they think too far ahead. he thinks "oh, she's going away for good after a while so i'd better not pursue it". doesn't this idiot realize that if, just if, she liked him too, all that COULD change?
when i say idiotas, i ain't just referring to the working class. modern-day teenagers think of such shit.
i went through poly, living on a bet with my mom that i'd never date anyone while in poly. i had too much to focus on and dating would only pull me away from my goals. well...she won. i dated cole.
but all through poly, i kept going on the idea of leaving singapore right after graduation. nothing changed that. though i dare say it was partly because i wasn't in love at any point of my life till then...or now, for that matter.
it's amusing to know that as much as people do want to fall in love, no one has the balls to take the plunge.
if every guy who meets a fantastic girl says "there's no use pursuing the relationship because she's gonna leave anyway", it's as good as saying "we're gonna die in 50 years anyways, so what's the point of getting together?"
i know it's a gross exaggeration, but you know what i mean.
if anyone were to make such statements, they've got helluva head on their shoulders...probably a dumbkopf.
sometimes the heart
should follow the mind
sometimes the heart
should tell the mind to stay at home and
stop interferring
- LOVE, on the birthday card to Grover.
Sunday, June 27, 2004
if there's one thing i learnt in the past few months, it's this:
it is never easy being someone's everything, because deep down, you know it ain't gonna be forever.
of course, the other person wouldn't know how much you cared because you hardly showed anything. you were too busy worrying about your own hurt when the thing comes to an end.
so what happens when it does end?
one goes on with life, being able to do so because she hadn't put much into the whole deal in the first place. the other goes on as well, but he's bruised and jaded, because it seemed to him that she didn't love him at all.
but she did! and for all we know, she still does love him.
so i've learnt. instead of leaving both parties bitter, one has to be more giving...or, at least, try to be so the other would leave...happy. of course, what's there to be happy about if there was ever a "leaving"? but i firmly believe that should anything come to an end, a person can leave it behind...and still be happy, knowing that she still loved him.
hmm...i don't know what got me thinking all these things again.
i'm a third through candace bushnell's trading up, and suddenly, i think of cole.
i don't think of him like i wish we were together...i just think of him. i miss him. he's the one guy (ever) who ran along the same wavelength as me.
i still remember the first time we realized we didn't need to speak in order to have a conversation. we were sitting on one of those benches along orchard road...just talking as the cars whizzed by. he said something and i finished the sentence off for him. it seemed like eternity had passed us by as we stared at each other for the next minute. he finally broke the silence with "how did you know i was gonna say that?" i shrugged and looked away.
the first time we went out, we met after my musical theater workshop on a friday night. we sat outside city hall mrt the whole night, just talking.
i'd say that was my first date.
cole and i are soulmates. we don't talk no more, but we know we're still around for each other. he knows where to find me, and i know where to find him.
to think a dumb chick read would elicit such emotion is rather startling...
i'm rather struck by how this guy called jon seda looks. he acted as selena's husband in the movie selena. he reminds me of the guy i danced with. they ain't no lookers, but when they smile, the whole room seems to light up.
so looking back at my history with guys...(not that i have much of a history with them to begin with), i think i'm into brooders. the ones who don't smile too often...the ones who're private, and quiet. but i know that when he does smile...he smiles.
and i suppose the latin american men who've caught my eye have that quality. so did the guy i labeled the "man of my dreams".
cole was a brooder.
but i'm a brooder...so what gives?
how can someone so similar complement me?
it is never easy being someone's everything, because deep down, you know it ain't gonna be forever.
of course, the other person wouldn't know how much you cared because you hardly showed anything. you were too busy worrying about your own hurt when the thing comes to an end.
so what happens when it does end?
one goes on with life, being able to do so because she hadn't put much into the whole deal in the first place. the other goes on as well, but he's bruised and jaded, because it seemed to him that she didn't love him at all.
but she did! and for all we know, she still does love him.
so i've learnt. instead of leaving both parties bitter, one has to be more giving...or, at least, try to be so the other would leave...happy. of course, what's there to be happy about if there was ever a "leaving"? but i firmly believe that should anything come to an end, a person can leave it behind...and still be happy, knowing that she still loved him.
hmm...i don't know what got me thinking all these things again.
i'm a third through candace bushnell's trading up, and suddenly, i think of cole.
i don't think of him like i wish we were together...i just think of him. i miss him. he's the one guy (ever) who ran along the same wavelength as me.
i still remember the first time we realized we didn't need to speak in order to have a conversation. we were sitting on one of those benches along orchard road...just talking as the cars whizzed by. he said something and i finished the sentence off for him. it seemed like eternity had passed us by as we stared at each other for the next minute. he finally broke the silence with "how did you know i was gonna say that?" i shrugged and looked away.
the first time we went out, we met after my musical theater workshop on a friday night. we sat outside city hall mrt the whole night, just talking.
i'd say that was my first date.
cole and i are soulmates. we don't talk no more, but we know we're still around for each other. he knows where to find me, and i know where to find him.
to think a dumb chick read would elicit such emotion is rather startling...
i'm rather struck by how this guy called jon seda looks. he acted as selena's husband in the movie selena. he reminds me of the guy i danced with. they ain't no lookers, but when they smile, the whole room seems to light up.
so looking back at my history with guys...(not that i have much of a history with them to begin with), i think i'm into brooders. the ones who don't smile too often...the ones who're private, and quiet. but i know that when he does smile...he smiles.
and i suppose the latin american men who've caught my eye have that quality. so did the guy i labeled the "man of my dreams".
cole was a brooder.
but i'm a brooder...so what gives?
how can someone so similar complement me?
Saturday, June 26, 2004
i must've been away from hip hop for way too long.
it took me twice as long as i used to, to get into the groove and perform all the steps...and still, i was shakey. dang.
that's the price i gotta pay for being away from the gym for too long. it sure felt good treadmilling for 20 mins, then going to suhaimi's hip hop class. from today, i'll try to make every of suhaimi's saturday hip hop sessions...the guy's da bomb! i bet my legs and butt are so gotta ache in the morning.
got a call from wayang warehouse this morning...they're the guys staging this musical called College Girls. i've been shortlisted for a role and have to head down for an audition this wednesday evening.
so that makes two auditions for wednesday itself. what's up with that man? think i may have to dump the mediacorp one at 3pm...
aunt's back home from the hospital today. i've often wondered what she's thinking and how she feels, deep down. she had breast cancer many years ago. now, the evil cells are back and are attacking her everywhere else. she knows she's dying. everyone knows she's dying. she's now just going through each day, waiting for her body to exhaust of the various types of chemo drugs.
here's a wonderful, giving woman...and it's just sad that she's gotta go through this shit all over again.
the next time you see me online or in person, try saying this to me:
buenos dias serene! que tal?
it took me twice as long as i used to, to get into the groove and perform all the steps...and still, i was shakey. dang.
that's the price i gotta pay for being away from the gym for too long. it sure felt good treadmilling for 20 mins, then going to suhaimi's hip hop class. from today, i'll try to make every of suhaimi's saturday hip hop sessions...the guy's da bomb! i bet my legs and butt are so gotta ache in the morning.
got a call from wayang warehouse this morning...they're the guys staging this musical called College Girls. i've been shortlisted for a role and have to head down for an audition this wednesday evening.
so that makes two auditions for wednesday itself. what's up with that man? think i may have to dump the mediacorp one at 3pm...
aunt's back home from the hospital today. i've often wondered what she's thinking and how she feels, deep down. she had breast cancer many years ago. now, the evil cells are back and are attacking her everywhere else. she knows she's dying. everyone knows she's dying. she's now just going through each day, waiting for her body to exhaust of the various types of chemo drugs.
here's a wonderful, giving woman...and it's just sad that she's gotta go through this shit all over again.
the next time you see me online or in person, try saying this to me:
buenos dias serene! que tal?
this is funny...;)
cuddle and a kiss on the forehead - you like to be
close to your special someone and feel warm,
comfortable, and needed
What Sign of Affection Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
cuddle and a kiss on the forehead - you like to be
close to your special someone and feel warm,
comfortable, and needed
What Sign of Affection Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
FINALLY! i'm done kitchen confidential.
i especially liked the last few pages, which consisted of a whole slew of spanish swear words. i'm proud to say i know what they all mean! haha... all thanks to luis and the spanish class (he said never happened)...
from today, if i have to swear, i'm gonna swear in spanish. please remind me to swear in spanish if you hear me blasting off in english. thank you.
as soon as i was done with anthony bourdain, i turned out my borders plastic bag (still loaded with the books i bought together with K.C.), picked out one called the bride stripped bare. got meself a cuppa tea and settled down to start reading.
as soon as i hit the first page, i was gone. i persevered...lesson 2...(hijo de puta!). nevermind. lesson 3.
i threw the book aside.
SHALLOW AND BORING. chingar.
reluctantly, i pulled out candace bushnell. i had wanted to save her for my very last read...but after the bride, i just HAD to read candace. she'll be the saving grace of the crap i consciously picked out from a whole line of new titles at borders. after all, the author of the book that inspired the hit series sex and the city could do no wrong, could she? i don't know...i haven't started yet.
it was so hard to get reading again...i mean, after harry potter and the order of the phoenix, all i ever read were the papers, TIME and other newsprint publications. it's been a while since i've picked up a good read...uh, a book, i mean.
between making trips to the hospital, my mind was kept going with so many other things. like...would i be able to catch the american idol tour this september? should i make every saturday morning my weekly tanning time? can i finish designing the ad by tomorrow? when will i go to spain?
i know...most of them superficial questions. but humor me, won't ya? it's been a while since i've even had the time to think such thoughts.
i figured that if i do want time for myself, i'd need to plan my own activities beforehand, write them down in my filofax, and turn away anyone who wants to do anything with me then.
of late, i've turned so many people away it's embarrassing. earlier, when i was at the prata shop with my bro having supper, an ex-primary school classmate called and demanded to know why i haven't responded to his smses. i was kinda stumped when i recognized his voice...and felt extremely guilty for not even smsing him back to reject him.
frankly, i've been pushing back appointments...but i still don't feel like i've got time to myself.
would that only be possible when i next go on cruise in july (when my cousins from LA come down for a visit)? or would i finally be able to score some lone time when i go down to new york in september? getting time alone during the latter would be pretty impossible, because my mom's a huge scaredy-cat when it comes to recce-ing around unfamiliar territory...so she'll probably stick to me.
i'm grateful for these two days because i could wake up slightly later...and because i could just nod back to sleep after a few idiotas smsed me between 0500 and 0600 hours to tell me england's out.
oh well. whatever it is, i'm glad i had these two days off.
it's just a bitch that i'll have to go back to STC to return all my stuff on another day...and face the putas who are as genuine as a sniveling weasel.
puneta.
i especially liked the last few pages, which consisted of a whole slew of spanish swear words. i'm proud to say i know what they all mean! haha... all thanks to luis and the spanish class (he said never happened)...
from today, if i have to swear, i'm gonna swear in spanish. please remind me to swear in spanish if you hear me blasting off in english. thank you.
as soon as i was done with anthony bourdain, i turned out my borders plastic bag (still loaded with the books i bought together with K.C.), picked out one called the bride stripped bare. got meself a cuppa tea and settled down to start reading.
as soon as i hit the first page, i was gone. i persevered...lesson 2...(hijo de puta!). nevermind. lesson 3.
i threw the book aside.
SHALLOW AND BORING. chingar.
reluctantly, i pulled out candace bushnell. i had wanted to save her for my very last read...but after the bride, i just HAD to read candace. she'll be the saving grace of the crap i consciously picked out from a whole line of new titles at borders. after all, the author of the book that inspired the hit series sex and the city could do no wrong, could she? i don't know...i haven't started yet.
it was so hard to get reading again...i mean, after harry potter and the order of the phoenix, all i ever read were the papers, TIME and other newsprint publications. it's been a while since i've picked up a good read...uh, a book, i mean.
between making trips to the hospital, my mind was kept going with so many other things. like...would i be able to catch the american idol tour this september? should i make every saturday morning my weekly tanning time? can i finish designing the ad by tomorrow? when will i go to spain?
i know...most of them superficial questions. but humor me, won't ya? it's been a while since i've even had the time to think such thoughts.
i figured that if i do want time for myself, i'd need to plan my own activities beforehand, write them down in my filofax, and turn away anyone who wants to do anything with me then.
of late, i've turned so many people away it's embarrassing. earlier, when i was at the prata shop with my bro having supper, an ex-primary school classmate called and demanded to know why i haven't responded to his smses. i was kinda stumped when i recognized his voice...and felt extremely guilty for not even smsing him back to reject him.
frankly, i've been pushing back appointments...but i still don't feel like i've got time to myself.
would that only be possible when i next go on cruise in july (when my cousins from LA come down for a visit)? or would i finally be able to score some lone time when i go down to new york in september? getting time alone during the latter would be pretty impossible, because my mom's a huge scaredy-cat when it comes to recce-ing around unfamiliar territory...so she'll probably stick to me.
i'm grateful for these two days because i could wake up slightly later...and because i could just nod back to sleep after a few idiotas smsed me between 0500 and 0600 hours to tell me england's out.
oh well. whatever it is, i'm glad i had these two days off.
it's just a bitch that i'll have to go back to STC to return all my stuff on another day...and face the putas who are as genuine as a sniveling weasel.
puneta.
Thursday, June 24, 2004
there are things that piss me off...like, majorly.
like...this afternoon, when i went to the SIA training center to settle some of my stuff with them, i was treated the same way i was while still a crew. and people say men aren't bitchy. as i was "put in my place" and told to get into the queue, i exclaimed out loud how glad i was to have resigned.
look, i was only supposed to be there for 5 minutes, and the guy makes me wait for 15 minutes. and when i finally get to ask my question, he answers it in 30 seconds. bloody hell!
i walked out of the place, my mom picks me up, and i start griping to her...the way i used to when i got off each flight.
I AM SO GLAD TO BE OUTTA THERE!
and moving along...
why the hell do people keep rejecting a golden-egg-laying goose on a silver platter that's right in front of them? they want it modified. you modify it exactly the way they tell you to. they then reject it again, saying that they didn't want it anyways.
puneta. dumbkopf.
then there're things that make me smile.
like...watching "adoptions" on the hallmark channel.
and my mom bursting into my room with a pack of chocolate-coated potato chips...which tastes really wierd because of the contrast between salt and sugar. that wasn't the smile-inducing part. the thing that actually got me smiling was her saying that my cousin's fiancee gave her that packet of expensive potato chips, telling her that she got it for my brother and me...stephaine is so schweet!
i'm supposed to be off today, but it sure didn't seem like i had a break...sigh.
i've got so much to do tomorrow...and i've yet to get through "kitchen confidential".
i look at the scars on my hands...and shudder at the memory of the countless number of times i've had plugs set on me.
it was painful. but i'm glad that period is over. so over.
like...this afternoon, when i went to the SIA training center to settle some of my stuff with them, i was treated the same way i was while still a crew. and people say men aren't bitchy. as i was "put in my place" and told to get into the queue, i exclaimed out loud how glad i was to have resigned.
look, i was only supposed to be there for 5 minutes, and the guy makes me wait for 15 minutes. and when i finally get to ask my question, he answers it in 30 seconds. bloody hell!
i walked out of the place, my mom picks me up, and i start griping to her...the way i used to when i got off each flight.
I AM SO GLAD TO BE OUTTA THERE!
and moving along...
why the hell do people keep rejecting a golden-egg-laying goose on a silver platter that's right in front of them? they want it modified. you modify it exactly the way they tell you to. they then reject it again, saying that they didn't want it anyways.
puneta. dumbkopf.
then there're things that make me smile.
like...watching "adoptions" on the hallmark channel.
and my mom bursting into my room with a pack of chocolate-coated potato chips...which tastes really wierd because of the contrast between salt and sugar. that wasn't the smile-inducing part. the thing that actually got me smiling was her saying that my cousin's fiancee gave her that packet of expensive potato chips, telling her that she got it for my brother and me...stephaine is so schweet!
i'm supposed to be off today, but it sure didn't seem like i had a break...sigh.
i've got so much to do tomorrow...and i've yet to get through "kitchen confidential".
i look at the scars on my hands...and shudder at the memory of the countless number of times i've had plugs set on me.
it was painful. but i'm glad that period is over. so over.
Tuesday, June 22, 2004
My Girl - the one starring Dan Ackroyd, Jamie Lee Curtis and MaCauley Culkin - would hardly be considered a movie even worth mentioning in today's cinematic world.
but a poem from that movie created such an impact (not quite like the one The Power of One had on me, but you know what i mean...) that till this very day, i remember the exact moment of the movie i cried. really cried. let me share the poem with you.
Weeping willow, with your tears running down
Why do you always weep and frown?
Is it because he left you one day?
Is it because he could not stay?
He found shelter in your shade
You thought his laughter would never fade.
On your branches he would swing
Do you long for the happiness that day would bring?
Weeping willow, stop your tears
For there is something to calm your fears.
If you think death has ripped you forever apart
I know he'll always be in your heart.
not exactly a significant example of literary, but in the movie, this was to have been written by a 10-year-old, thereabouts...so i figure they had to make it credible like that.
for many years, i could only remember the first stanza of this poem. so as i searched the web for the poem in its entirety, i chanced upon a memorial page. this page was created by a couple, whose son passed away in 1992. he was born the same year as me. his name was John-Paul James McCann.
yet another sobering moment. he was born in 1981.
i read a blog this morning that would normally bring tears to my eyes. fortunately, i managed to read it without shedding any.
i find myself unable to care for someone the way i used to care for him. i mean...i still love him, and probably always will, but i simply can't bring myself to even initiate a hug right now. keywords would be right now.
he thinks i'm gonna leave him. well, i guess he has reason to believe that. but i'm not about to leave him. i've been trying to explain that even if i'm not around physically, i'd still be floating around somewhere. and should he ever need me, i'll fly to his side rightaway.
that's just the kinda friend i am. or rather, the kinda sister i am.
you see...no matter how much love you have in your heart, if someone pushes you away way too many times, you have to think about giving up at some point. i did...i gave up. then he rushes back to me like raging bull, expecting everything to return to normal. that...after i've mourned "losing" someone that close to me.
he's just a kid.
if you know me well enough, you'll know i don't like to treat kids as kids...i'd like to think that they're as capable as we are, only on a much smaller and simpler scale. so please stop trying to get me to see that he's only a kid. because i've never lost sight of that. i just thought he deserved more credit than i'd give a normal kid. because i thought he was special.
if you're reading this, you'll know that i'm not leaving you. just like i'm not leaving those who've been around for me all this while.
remember ohana from lilo and stitch? that'll forever be the sstt motto.
and i'm not leaving you.
but a poem from that movie created such an impact (not quite like the one The Power of One had on me, but you know what i mean...) that till this very day, i remember the exact moment of the movie i cried. really cried. let me share the poem with you.
Weeping willow, with your tears running down
Why do you always weep and frown?
Is it because he left you one day?
Is it because he could not stay?
He found shelter in your shade
You thought his laughter would never fade.
On your branches he would swing
Do you long for the happiness that day would bring?
Weeping willow, stop your tears
For there is something to calm your fears.
If you think death has ripped you forever apart
I know he'll always be in your heart.
not exactly a significant example of literary, but in the movie, this was to have been written by a 10-year-old, thereabouts...so i figure they had to make it credible like that.
for many years, i could only remember the first stanza of this poem. so as i searched the web for the poem in its entirety, i chanced upon a memorial page. this page was created by a couple, whose son passed away in 1992. he was born the same year as me. his name was John-Paul James McCann.
yet another sobering moment. he was born in 1981.
i read a blog this morning that would normally bring tears to my eyes. fortunately, i managed to read it without shedding any.
i find myself unable to care for someone the way i used to care for him. i mean...i still love him, and probably always will, but i simply can't bring myself to even initiate a hug right now. keywords would be right now.
he thinks i'm gonna leave him. well, i guess he has reason to believe that. but i'm not about to leave him. i've been trying to explain that even if i'm not around physically, i'd still be floating around somewhere. and should he ever need me, i'll fly to his side rightaway.
that's just the kinda friend i am. or rather, the kinda sister i am.
you see...no matter how much love you have in your heart, if someone pushes you away way too many times, you have to think about giving up at some point. i did...i gave up. then he rushes back to me like raging bull, expecting everything to return to normal. that...after i've mourned "losing" someone that close to me.
he's just a kid.
if you know me well enough, you'll know i don't like to treat kids as kids...i'd like to think that they're as capable as we are, only on a much smaller and simpler scale. so please stop trying to get me to see that he's only a kid. because i've never lost sight of that. i just thought he deserved more credit than i'd give a normal kid. because i thought he was special.
if you're reading this, you'll know that i'm not leaving you. just like i'm not leaving those who've been around for me all this while.
remember ohana from lilo and stitch? that'll forever be the sstt motto.
and i'm not leaving you.
Monday, June 21, 2004
someone's simple gesture made me smile today.
it may have been unnoticeable to the people around, but i saw it...and was at the receiving end of it.
so there i was, waiting for the train doors to open so i could walk to the escalator leading up to the turnstile...when as i approach the moving steps, this guy, who was about to step onto it as well, stopped, stepped back, and let me on first. and he did so with a smile.
that started my day just fine...haha. got me smiling all the way to SIASR anyways.
gotta go meet grovie downstairs for a bit...
lots more to share so don't let up!
it may have been unnoticeable to the people around, but i saw it...and was at the receiving end of it.
so there i was, waiting for the train doors to open so i could walk to the escalator leading up to the turnstile...when as i approach the moving steps, this guy, who was about to step onto it as well, stopped, stepped back, and let me on first. and he did so with a smile.
that started my day just fine...haha. got me smiling all the way to SIASR anyways.
gotta go meet grovie downstairs for a bit...
lots more to share so don't let up!
Friday, June 18, 2004
it feels kinda weird...not having to do a market wrap, or write a report tonight.
perhaps i'll finally be able to get through most of "kitchen confidential" tonight. anthony bourdain is so hilarious, i think i'll cut down on eating at even the poshiest of restaurants now. i mean...at least at a hawker center, you already know how filthy the place is. on the flip side, the grime and heat is enough to get your head all woozy, without even the bacteria doing its work...bah...
spending the second half of the day with cookie and aunt was cathartic. we bitched, we ate and we shopped. there was this jacket i so wanted to get. saw it at two outlets. still procrastinated. when i finally decided to get it, it was sold out at ALL the outlets in the country. damn. so let me correct the above a little: we bitched, we ate and we shopped...for aunt. cookie and i were her fashionistas.
bumped into my ex-schoolmate, anna, at raffles city shopping center. she asked if i went for singapore idol...and, again, was one of those who thought of me when they saw the audition notices. i just laughed and made a faux-pact with her to go for next year's auditions. i say "faux" because it's unlikely to happen.
andreas andreas. i was almost pissed off by him today. not that he did anything wrong...i was just so impatient. what's worse was that i couldn't blame him for not knowing how to answer my questions because he didn't really cover the company. and eng hai echoed that. so we had to find an entirely different angle to the otherwise non-story. thanks to eng hai for pointing me in another direction. and andreas really needs to be more confident and stop saying sorry to me for not knowing his stuff.
i can't wait for salsa to start so i can work off my nerves every friday evening. alas, my classes only start end-july...so i'll just have to make do with my other outlets for now.
this morning, i was walking down to my workplace from chinatown mrt, with my earphones plugged in (as usual)...when corrinne may's "journey" came on. everything suddenly slowed down to snail's pace. while still striding along, i suddenly felt like i was being controlled by the speed of a show reel. with the song filling my head, i actually saw myself walking past south bridge road...club street...telok ayer...in slow mo. it looked just like a music video. the irony between a really reflective, slow song, and walking by people hurrying along in their business suits, too busy to take in whatever else is around.
monday will be see yet another milestone. i'll be signing my second contract with hbm. i'll be made a shareholder of the company i'm working in. i'll be signing my second contract with them. wow. wow. wow. this is the longest i've been with a company so far (voluntarily, of course).
i wish a latin american guy would just come sweep me off my feet right now...haha...(serene, stop it already!).
i so love kids. i don't know how many times i've said that today.
i can't wait to see my little ones tomorrow evening...
perhaps i'll finally be able to get through most of "kitchen confidential" tonight. anthony bourdain is so hilarious, i think i'll cut down on eating at even the poshiest of restaurants now. i mean...at least at a hawker center, you already know how filthy the place is. on the flip side, the grime and heat is enough to get your head all woozy, without even the bacteria doing its work...bah...
spending the second half of the day with cookie and aunt was cathartic. we bitched, we ate and we shopped. there was this jacket i so wanted to get. saw it at two outlets. still procrastinated. when i finally decided to get it, it was sold out at ALL the outlets in the country. damn. so let me correct the above a little: we bitched, we ate and we shopped...for aunt. cookie and i were her fashionistas.
bumped into my ex-schoolmate, anna, at raffles city shopping center. she asked if i went for singapore idol...and, again, was one of those who thought of me when they saw the audition notices. i just laughed and made a faux-pact with her to go for next year's auditions. i say "faux" because it's unlikely to happen.
andreas andreas. i was almost pissed off by him today. not that he did anything wrong...i was just so impatient. what's worse was that i couldn't blame him for not knowing how to answer my questions because he didn't really cover the company. and eng hai echoed that. so we had to find an entirely different angle to the otherwise non-story. thanks to eng hai for pointing me in another direction. and andreas really needs to be more confident and stop saying sorry to me for not knowing his stuff.
i can't wait for salsa to start so i can work off my nerves every friday evening. alas, my classes only start end-july...so i'll just have to make do with my other outlets for now.
this morning, i was walking down to my workplace from chinatown mrt, with my earphones plugged in (as usual)...when corrinne may's "journey" came on. everything suddenly slowed down to snail's pace. while still striding along, i suddenly felt like i was being controlled by the speed of a show reel. with the song filling my head, i actually saw myself walking past south bridge road...club street...telok ayer...in slow mo. it looked just like a music video. the irony between a really reflective, slow song, and walking by people hurrying along in their business suits, too busy to take in whatever else is around.
monday will be see yet another milestone. i'll be signing my second contract with hbm. i'll be made a shareholder of the company i'm working in. i'll be signing my second contract with them. wow. wow. wow. this is the longest i've been with a company so far (voluntarily, of course).
i wish a latin american guy would just come sweep me off my feet right now...haha...(serene, stop it already!).
i so love kids. i don't know how many times i've said that today.
i can't wait to see my little ones tomorrow evening...
Thursday, June 17, 2004
if you've kept in touch with my blogs from december, you'd know i was pretty freaked by someone who called me from perth just to interview me for my current position.
i met that guy over the past few days. he's coolness.
and because i promised i'd see him at a meeting at 3pm today, i walked with mark and angus to keppel tower, just to say goodbye to him (because i wasn't going to the meeting after all...i had to run an errand).
i gave him a hug.
that's kinda odd...because i don't give hugs to people i meet for such a short time anyways. i guess i felt cool about it because he's been pushed around quite a bit the past couple of days and he was obviously tired...
by the way, he gave me a really warm hug.
thanks tom, i needed that.
last night was da bomb!
the view was da bomb, the company was da bomb, the conversation was da bomb...
we were at equinox, atop the stamford. as i sat there, facing the city skyline in the twilight, i marveled at how different my city looks from that height, and angle. if the guys realized that i zoned out for moments during the dinner, it was because i was so taken by the view. last night put me in a holiday mood...and it was good, even for a short while. i don't think anyone noticed, but i got quite emotional, looking out at vast expanse infront of me. it was overwhelming, purely because it was the first time i was up there, and...it was simply amazing. a convergence of so many different emotions and thoughts...
thanks again mark, and angus, and tom. it was a few hours of the evening well spent, with three of my favorite guys.
you know...it's funny how three of my favorite guys are my bosses as well. i mean, seriously, how many people can say that?
the past four days have been extremely tiring. i never went to bed before 2am. but it was all worth it.
i'm still running on that overload of whatever.
may it never fizzle out...*evil grin*
i met that guy over the past few days. he's coolness.
and because i promised i'd see him at a meeting at 3pm today, i walked with mark and angus to keppel tower, just to say goodbye to him (because i wasn't going to the meeting after all...i had to run an errand).
i gave him a hug.
that's kinda odd...because i don't give hugs to people i meet for such a short time anyways. i guess i felt cool about it because he's been pushed around quite a bit the past couple of days and he was obviously tired...
by the way, he gave me a really warm hug.
thanks tom, i needed that.
last night was da bomb!
the view was da bomb, the company was da bomb, the conversation was da bomb...
we were at equinox, atop the stamford. as i sat there, facing the city skyline in the twilight, i marveled at how different my city looks from that height, and angle. if the guys realized that i zoned out for moments during the dinner, it was because i was so taken by the view. last night put me in a holiday mood...and it was good, even for a short while. i don't think anyone noticed, but i got quite emotional, looking out at vast expanse infront of me. it was overwhelming, purely because it was the first time i was up there, and...it was simply amazing. a convergence of so many different emotions and thoughts...
thanks again mark, and angus, and tom. it was a few hours of the evening well spent, with three of my favorite guys.
you know...it's funny how three of my favorite guys are my bosses as well. i mean, seriously, how many people can say that?
the past four days have been extremely tiring. i never went to bed before 2am. but it was all worth it.
i'm still running on that overload of whatever.
may it never fizzle out...*evil grin*
Wednesday, June 16, 2004
i'm glad to have made someone smile today.
it's such things i live for these days...
i stank after the campfire from hugging the little ones who wanted to go home to mommy. they were all sweaty and stinky, but it felt good...giving them a goodnight hug.
i felt a surge of pride seeing my boys do so well at the campfire. they're all coolness! i remembered doing the "friendship dance" with them in school, and they were all shy as hell...cuz they didn't wanna hold my hands. at the campfire, we all did it so natural...like...clockwork. the other boys from other schools were all freaked that we joined in (the outsiders we were)...but people like tai chong and lin sheng said "hi serene!", took my hand, and we danced.
that was the best i've felt in days. i've achieved something. we've succeeded somewhat.
i'm so glad to be a scout leader. i've been given a whole lotta grief, but it sure is gratifying...for most parts.
i've got a meeting with tom tomorrow, then dinner with the whole team...the whole male-team...haha.
happy birthday jiahao. hope you had a good one, and that the gift and "surprise" weren't too shabby.
i'm sorry...i just couldn't hug you tonight.
it's such things i live for these days...
i stank after the campfire from hugging the little ones who wanted to go home to mommy. they were all sweaty and stinky, but it felt good...giving them a goodnight hug.
i felt a surge of pride seeing my boys do so well at the campfire. they're all coolness! i remembered doing the "friendship dance" with them in school, and they were all shy as hell...cuz they didn't wanna hold my hands. at the campfire, we all did it so natural...like...clockwork. the other boys from other schools were all freaked that we joined in (the outsiders we were)...but people like tai chong and lin sheng said "hi serene!", took my hand, and we danced.
that was the best i've felt in days. i've achieved something. we've succeeded somewhat.
i'm so glad to be a scout leader. i've been given a whole lotta grief, but it sure is gratifying...for most parts.
i've got a meeting with tom tomorrow, then dinner with the whole team...the whole male-team...haha.
happy birthday jiahao. hope you had a good one, and that the gift and "surprise" weren't too shabby.
i'm sorry...i just couldn't hug you tonight.
Monday, June 14, 2004
i think i saw the man of my dreams today.
it was such a magical moment.
i walked by him, and he said sorry to me for getting in my way...and i didn't even turn back to look at him.
as i looked out the window, i chanced upon him again. there he was, standing...expressionless, yet, his eyes seem to scream out pain.
i just stared at him for a while, and found myself totally drawn to him.
i didn't know the guy, but i felt a strange connection.
the people around me said he keeps to himself most times and only speaks when necessary...and some find his distant personality disappointing because he is, in fact, quite the looker.
i don't know why...
...i'm so drawn to him.
but i don't know him.
it was such a magical moment.
i walked by him, and he said sorry to me for getting in my way...and i didn't even turn back to look at him.
as i looked out the window, i chanced upon him again. there he was, standing...expressionless, yet, his eyes seem to scream out pain.
i just stared at him for a while, and found myself totally drawn to him.
i didn't know the guy, but i felt a strange connection.
the people around me said he keeps to himself most times and only speaks when necessary...and some find his distant personality disappointing because he is, in fact, quite the looker.
i don't know why...
...i'm so drawn to him.
but i don't know him.
Sunday, June 13, 2004
man...i'm so tired...
and there i thought i could get some sleep at the cruise, but nooo...but it was cool, i guess.
okay...so let me indulge in a little crazy-ass girl talk here...
latin american guys are hot...like, jalepeno-hot. and dancing salsa with a latin american fella puts you in such a dream-like state you'd wish the dance would never end. get this: the guy wasn't even cute! latin americans just have something about them...the way they move...the way they speak...it's just their freakin' vibes! so yeah...i wasn't bowled over by his "good looks", but man...when he spun me out and pulled me back...woah! his left hand was clasped with my right, and right arm circled my waist, guiding my steps. he wasn't coaching me, he was just my dance partner who can really salsa...haha. i'm thinking it's the strong arms bit that got me. and also that salsa (to me, at least) is even sexier than the tango.
i believe i'll be fleeting about with the feel of salsa in my feet for some time to come. i'm just waiting for the next pair of strong arms to salsa me into oblivion...haha. and hey, there's nothing dirty about the last sentence ;)
i sang with lobo. well, i sorta did. i was so volunteered by the people seated around me to sing the chorus of "stoney" while lobo and the band strummed the chords. yeah yeah...to say i sang with the guy is a little off, but what the hell...haha.
something else i wondered while watching the old geezer perform in front of hundreds of other old geezers...it must really be painful for him to be singing songs he wrote for his ex-wife and such for events like the showcase last night. i say this because there was a request session, and someone shouted out "Love Me For What I Am". he joked about hating this song since he got divorced and all...and did sing it...but it really must've been hard...to revisit his past whenever someone requests for that song. Then there was this other song he wrote for his 6th grade art teacher..."I Love You To Want Me", i think. now that was cute. imagine 6th-grader thinking all those thoughts in the lyrics of the song!
one of my favorite songs of the night was the everly brothers hit "Let It Be Me". i wish i'd be able to duet the song with someone in the near future. i really do love that song.
so this trip has been kinda cool, but it's also made me think a lot about what i'm meant to do...be in...whatever.
in recent weeks, i seem to be gravitating towards the limelight. all the signs around me seem to point towards the direction of "stardom". am i really meant to shine that brightly?
at some points of my life, i would wonder if i was meant to just help people, given all the experiences i've been through.
then it dawned on me. both are not mutually exclusive. i've been avoiding what people have always said i should do because i'm afraid i might digress from my goal...the ultimate dream.
so now i realize that...it really may be my calling. perhaps i shouldn't shun the bright lights now, or maybe, just give it a shot. after all, if i ever attain some sorta "stardom", wouldn't it be easier for me to reach my ultimate then?
i really wish i didn't have to reject acting with brendon fernandez. i love the guy...it'd definitely would be an honor, and a great learning experience to learn from such a young and established actor.
why did i have to reject the offer?
because filming is taking place tomorrow and tuesday afternoons. dang.
and there i thought i could get some sleep at the cruise, but nooo...but it was cool, i guess.
okay...so let me indulge in a little crazy-ass girl talk here...
latin american guys are hot...like, jalepeno-hot. and dancing salsa with a latin american fella puts you in such a dream-like state you'd wish the dance would never end. get this: the guy wasn't even cute! latin americans just have something about them...the way they move...the way they speak...it's just their freakin' vibes! so yeah...i wasn't bowled over by his "good looks", but man...when he spun me out and pulled me back...woah! his left hand was clasped with my right, and right arm circled my waist, guiding my steps. he wasn't coaching me, he was just my dance partner who can really salsa...haha. i'm thinking it's the strong arms bit that got me. and also that salsa (to me, at least) is even sexier than the tango.
i believe i'll be fleeting about with the feel of salsa in my feet for some time to come. i'm just waiting for the next pair of strong arms to salsa me into oblivion...haha. and hey, there's nothing dirty about the last sentence ;)
i sang with lobo. well, i sorta did. i was so volunteered by the people seated around me to sing the chorus of "stoney" while lobo and the band strummed the chords. yeah yeah...to say i sang with the guy is a little off, but what the hell...haha.
something else i wondered while watching the old geezer perform in front of hundreds of other old geezers...it must really be painful for him to be singing songs he wrote for his ex-wife and such for events like the showcase last night. i say this because there was a request session, and someone shouted out "Love Me For What I Am". he joked about hating this song since he got divorced and all...and did sing it...but it really must've been hard...to revisit his past whenever someone requests for that song. Then there was this other song he wrote for his 6th grade art teacher..."I Love You To Want Me", i think. now that was cute. imagine 6th-grader thinking all those thoughts in the lyrics of the song!
one of my favorite songs of the night was the everly brothers hit "Let It Be Me". i wish i'd be able to duet the song with someone in the near future. i really do love that song.
so this trip has been kinda cool, but it's also made me think a lot about what i'm meant to do...be in...whatever.
in recent weeks, i seem to be gravitating towards the limelight. all the signs around me seem to point towards the direction of "stardom". am i really meant to shine that brightly?
at some points of my life, i would wonder if i was meant to just help people, given all the experiences i've been through.
then it dawned on me. both are not mutually exclusive. i've been avoiding what people have always said i should do because i'm afraid i might digress from my goal...the ultimate dream.
so now i realize that...it really may be my calling. perhaps i shouldn't shun the bright lights now, or maybe, just give it a shot. after all, if i ever attain some sorta "stardom", wouldn't it be easier for me to reach my ultimate then?
i really wish i didn't have to reject acting with brendon fernandez. i love the guy...it'd definitely would be an honor, and a great learning experience to learn from such a young and established actor.
why did i have to reject the offer?
because filming is taking place tomorrow and tuesday afternoons. dang.
Friday, June 11, 2004
Thursday, June 10, 2004
SOBRIETY
Give up your dreams to feed reality
Be selfless and sacrifice your wants
Smile through the tears just to portray sanity
Neer let them hear...
The sound of your own heart breaking
Is the most painful thing you know
So hold your pain within
And never let it show.
For what's the use of sharing your hurt
When they don't seem to care
They only seem to treasure you
When you're no longer there.
I'm shattered
I'm broken
I've seen it all before
The final brick's just been laid upon the wall.
This fallen star's lost its sparkle
She's lost her will to stand tall
But she will learn to shine again
In time, she will.
Alone.
All along.
Give up your dreams to feed reality
Be selfless and sacrifice your wants
Smile through the tears just to portray sanity
Neer let them hear...
The sound of your own heart breaking
Is the most painful thing you know
So hold your pain within
And never let it show.
For what's the use of sharing your hurt
When they don't seem to care
They only seem to treasure you
When you're no longer there.
I'm shattered
I'm broken
I've seen it all before
The final brick's just been laid upon the wall.
This fallen star's lost its sparkle
She's lost her will to stand tall
But she will learn to shine again
In time, she will.
Alone.
All along.
obviously, you guys know you aren't the only ones who're trying to decipher me.
after this whole episode with jiahao, i guess you're right.
i should lay off.
after last night, i tried putting myself in his shoes. he was right. his friends of 10 years are probably the most important to him right now, other than his studies. i pictured myself back in secondary school. it was true that my friends meant some to me. but they weren't the world. that was because of one thing...
since sec 2, when my brother was diagnosed with leukemia, my whole world changed. when he fell sick, i had no one around me. sure...i was popular...basketball captain, class chairman, head of the PA crew, track star...i did everything and people thought highly of me. but i was lonely. there was never one person around who i could just sit down with and talk.
that, plus the fact that when i got home from school, there'd be no one around. even if my grandaunt were around, i'd be physically and emotionally traumatized by the things she put me through. she had to de-stress as well, and she took it out on me.
so you see...i had to learn to protect myself. and i guess through doing that, i skipped the entire "best friends till we die" phase in secondary school.
i had to protect myself.
so guys...this is how it all started. cookie had to go thru a different sort of growing up. the rest of you grew up differently as well. but this is my story. bear with me while i narrate the milestones...so you can see why i'm who i am today. and after reading this, i hope you'll learn to understand that i cannot be "figured out" just like that...and...see why i was so affected by the happenings of recent weeks.
besides my emotional pain during secondary school days, and my parents not being around most of the time, the one thing that changed my family dynamics was my decision to study mass communication in poly. the moment i applied for the course, my dad and i waged a cold war against each other. that went on for almost two years, until i started having my reports played on newsradio... i can still remember how proud he was of me.
poly was hard. my peers in mcm shunned me...because they thought i was uppity-smart. many spread rumors that i was cold and bitchy. it was only the people who worked with me who realized that i was actually quite a nice person.
i remember once, i was directing a "live" studio demo show...and i was named one of the best directors around because i was so comfortable in my seat, and i could even compliment the cameramen while i was directing the whole sequence...;) one of the best memories.
still, i never did hang out with any of my poly coursemates...not that i didn't try to. it's just that...i had to work most nights till about 2am, get home by 3am, and head to school the next morning by 8am. of course, i'd try to squeeze time to study and do some homework in between. how i managed to get through those years like that still amazes me.
people who i considered my friends turned on me. people called me a backstabber, just because i refused to give them credit for them NOT doing their part of the project.
final year. i met wayne umehara - my photojournalism lecturer. we shared a special bond...a bond that even till now, i respect. though i've lost contact with him since i graduated. if you're reading this blog, you should already know how special he is to me.
so all through poly was a struggle. i had NO friends. so the only thing that kept me going was the thought of leaving singapore after i finished with mcm. my parents gave me the green light to scout around for colleges in the US. so for four years i bore the pain and anguish...simply because i knew it would come to an end.
i scrimped and saved whatever i earned...(i was no longer receiving pocket money) and ate scraps for lunch or meals...or didn't eat at all. i remember bringing exactly six digestive cookies in a ziplock bag and a packet of milk. that was lunch all through poly. there were times when i'd get something from the canteen, but i hardly ever did that.
i never had a boyfriend, nor had i seriously dated anyone because i didn't want to get distracted from my goal. i was so disciplined.
FOUR YEARS. it all came to a crashing halt when the day before my final paper, my mom comes into my room, and tells me they can't afford to send me overseas...or, even help pay for my studies anywhere. yet another milestone.
so much false hope...and it was that one hope i clung to all four years. i gave up a job offer upon graduation, just because i believed i would be going away. you can imagine how far i fell then. four years of dreams.
went to the US for camp new hope. singing brought me, and many others, much joy. they said i had a gift for soothing souls.
minnesota. mentally and emotionally tested. people i got to know for just over a week were to become my family for three months. and what a time it was...we were battered and bruised...literally. but we stuck together and refused to leave because we didn't wanna leave each other standing alone to face the storm.
till this day, we're still close friends. because we've been through some tough shit together. you could say we saved each others' lives and souls. sometimes, we don't even hear from each other for one year at a go...but we know that we're always there for each other.
lisjana, beth and liesbet know...that i'll fly right to their side should they need me. they're my girls.
came back. after sbs, joined SQ. my self-esteem suffered. i stopped trusting. i had NO friends once again.
scouts. even then, i felt like an outcast.
so you see...everywhere i went, i was excluded. it wasn't that i didn't try...it just seems like i was too eccentric for the crowd.
for someone who's been excluded all her life, it's hard for her to care for someone. really care for someone.
she thought all that had come to an end when grover came into the picture. he picked her up when she was at her weakest. he saw her through her worst nights.
he was just...there. and that was all she needed.
she didn't need his hugs...his presence. she just had to know that he was there for her.
and she was there for him.
and when that came into question a while back, i fell. like a falling star, i just crashed straight into the depths of depression.
after all, how could someone who seemed to love me like i was his world, suddenly turn?
a further slap in the face was when he said his friends of 10 years were his priority when it came to time...and so, he left his surrogate family of the sstt behind.
he said he still loved the sstt, but things were different. the bonds were weakened.
i asked if he was open to the idea of strengthening the bond.
he said NO.
so this morning, as i walked to SIASR for my interviews, i snapped outta it.
guys...i'm 23. i am not that much older than you. but look at the above...i wish none of what i've mentioned would happen to you.
do you now understand why i'm so upset?
my feelings have been fucked around by strangers. but never did i think i would get done in by family.
i made a last-ditch attempt. he rejected me. again. and again. and again.
guess there's nothing else i can do.
after this whole episode with jiahao, i guess you're right.
i should lay off.
after last night, i tried putting myself in his shoes. he was right. his friends of 10 years are probably the most important to him right now, other than his studies. i pictured myself back in secondary school. it was true that my friends meant some to me. but they weren't the world. that was because of one thing...
since sec 2, when my brother was diagnosed with leukemia, my whole world changed. when he fell sick, i had no one around me. sure...i was popular...basketball captain, class chairman, head of the PA crew, track star...i did everything and people thought highly of me. but i was lonely. there was never one person around who i could just sit down with and talk.
that, plus the fact that when i got home from school, there'd be no one around. even if my grandaunt were around, i'd be physically and emotionally traumatized by the things she put me through. she had to de-stress as well, and she took it out on me.
so you see...i had to learn to protect myself. and i guess through doing that, i skipped the entire "best friends till we die" phase in secondary school.
i had to protect myself.
so guys...this is how it all started. cookie had to go thru a different sort of growing up. the rest of you grew up differently as well. but this is my story. bear with me while i narrate the milestones...so you can see why i'm who i am today. and after reading this, i hope you'll learn to understand that i cannot be "figured out" just like that...and...see why i was so affected by the happenings of recent weeks.
besides my emotional pain during secondary school days, and my parents not being around most of the time, the one thing that changed my family dynamics was my decision to study mass communication in poly. the moment i applied for the course, my dad and i waged a cold war against each other. that went on for almost two years, until i started having my reports played on newsradio... i can still remember how proud he was of me.
poly was hard. my peers in mcm shunned me...because they thought i was uppity-smart. many spread rumors that i was cold and bitchy. it was only the people who worked with me who realized that i was actually quite a nice person.
i remember once, i was directing a "live" studio demo show...and i was named one of the best directors around because i was so comfortable in my seat, and i could even compliment the cameramen while i was directing the whole sequence...;) one of the best memories.
still, i never did hang out with any of my poly coursemates...not that i didn't try to. it's just that...i had to work most nights till about 2am, get home by 3am, and head to school the next morning by 8am. of course, i'd try to squeeze time to study and do some homework in between. how i managed to get through those years like that still amazes me.
people who i considered my friends turned on me. people called me a backstabber, just because i refused to give them credit for them NOT doing their part of the project.
final year. i met wayne umehara - my photojournalism lecturer. we shared a special bond...a bond that even till now, i respect. though i've lost contact with him since i graduated. if you're reading this blog, you should already know how special he is to me.
so all through poly was a struggle. i had NO friends. so the only thing that kept me going was the thought of leaving singapore after i finished with mcm. my parents gave me the green light to scout around for colleges in the US. so for four years i bore the pain and anguish...simply because i knew it would come to an end.
i scrimped and saved whatever i earned...(i was no longer receiving pocket money) and ate scraps for lunch or meals...or didn't eat at all. i remember bringing exactly six digestive cookies in a ziplock bag and a packet of milk. that was lunch all through poly. there were times when i'd get something from the canteen, but i hardly ever did that.
i never had a boyfriend, nor had i seriously dated anyone because i didn't want to get distracted from my goal. i was so disciplined.
FOUR YEARS. it all came to a crashing halt when the day before my final paper, my mom comes into my room, and tells me they can't afford to send me overseas...or, even help pay for my studies anywhere. yet another milestone.
so much false hope...and it was that one hope i clung to all four years. i gave up a job offer upon graduation, just because i believed i would be going away. you can imagine how far i fell then. four years of dreams.
went to the US for camp new hope. singing brought me, and many others, much joy. they said i had a gift for soothing souls.
minnesota. mentally and emotionally tested. people i got to know for just over a week were to become my family for three months. and what a time it was...we were battered and bruised...literally. but we stuck together and refused to leave because we didn't wanna leave each other standing alone to face the storm.
till this day, we're still close friends. because we've been through some tough shit together. you could say we saved each others' lives and souls. sometimes, we don't even hear from each other for one year at a go...but we know that we're always there for each other.
lisjana, beth and liesbet know...that i'll fly right to their side should they need me. they're my girls.
came back. after sbs, joined SQ. my self-esteem suffered. i stopped trusting. i had NO friends once again.
scouts. even then, i felt like an outcast.
so you see...everywhere i went, i was excluded. it wasn't that i didn't try...it just seems like i was too eccentric for the crowd.
for someone who's been excluded all her life, it's hard for her to care for someone. really care for someone.
she thought all that had come to an end when grover came into the picture. he picked her up when she was at her weakest. he saw her through her worst nights.
he was just...there. and that was all she needed.
she didn't need his hugs...his presence. she just had to know that he was there for her.
and she was there for him.
and when that came into question a while back, i fell. like a falling star, i just crashed straight into the depths of depression.
after all, how could someone who seemed to love me like i was his world, suddenly turn?
a further slap in the face was when he said his friends of 10 years were his priority when it came to time...and so, he left his surrogate family of the sstt behind.
he said he still loved the sstt, but things were different. the bonds were weakened.
i asked if he was open to the idea of strengthening the bond.
he said NO.
so this morning, as i walked to SIASR for my interviews, i snapped outta it.
guys...i'm 23. i am not that much older than you. but look at the above...i wish none of what i've mentioned would happen to you.
do you now understand why i'm so upset?
my feelings have been fucked around by strangers. but never did i think i would get done in by family.
i made a last-ditch attempt. he rejected me. again. and again. and again.
guess there's nothing else i can do.
Wednesday, June 09, 2004
i don't believe this.
i don't know when this happened.
i can't believe that you've even removed pictures of our best memories...
the sstt.
i've given up guys.
after this, i'm quitting.
i can't take this much shit from someone i care about so much.
i'd rather leave and be seen as a bitch than to try over and over and get emotionally battered again.
you guys keep trying.
again, i've lost faith.
you made me lose faith.
what crap about asking if i wanted to salvage the situation too...i have never stopped trying.
if, after reading this, you still won't try to save us...
just like you, i'm going to erase all our memories. all of them.
i don't know when this happened.
i can't believe that you've even removed pictures of our best memories...
the sstt.
i've given up guys.
after this, i'm quitting.
i can't take this much shit from someone i care about so much.
i'd rather leave and be seen as a bitch than to try over and over and get emotionally battered again.
you guys keep trying.
again, i've lost faith.
you made me lose faith.
what crap about asking if i wanted to salvage the situation too...i have never stopped trying.
if, after reading this, you still won't try to save us...
just like you, i'm going to erase all our memories. all of them.
Tuesday, June 08, 2004
now i know it really isn't meant to be.
my brother just burst into my room to tell me that i could go audition for singapore idol again this weekend...then i had to remind him (three times) that we were going away for the weekend.
damn.
i just wish my mom hadn't added in that little snippet of "aiyah...you probably wouldn't get in anyway".
i know she meant for it to be a consolation, but it hit me really hard.
i'm not acting opposite brendon fernandez anymore. i was kinda looking forward to that because he's such a great actor, with a fantastic singing voice to match. sigh.
the sacrifices i make for the people, and things i care about.
when will people get the hint?
my brother just burst into my room to tell me that i could go audition for singapore idol again this weekend...then i had to remind him (three times) that we were going away for the weekend.
damn.
i just wish my mom hadn't added in that little snippet of "aiyah...you probably wouldn't get in anyway".
i know she meant for it to be a consolation, but it hit me really hard.
i'm not acting opposite brendon fernandez anymore. i was kinda looking forward to that because he's such a great actor, with a fantastic singing voice to match. sigh.
the sacrifices i make for the people, and things i care about.
when will people get the hint?
there are certain things to flying that i miss...
1) my passengers
2) walking around NYC alone
3) intimidating the hell outta crew who can't speak english properly (damn it, i'm such a bitch! haha...)
but the one thing i absolutely crave for right now is this:
THE ABILITY TO JUST TAKE OFF AND CLEAR YOUR MIND IN WHEREVER YOU MAY LAND.
there's something beautiful about being stuck in a foreign land, where you don't speak the native language and can only get about with gesturing and a little pocket dictionary.
one of my most memorable destinations was athens, because i got a chance to bond with a few in my new team. i was lucky to be placed in a team of smarts, among other things.
check out this pic taken on my way up to the acropolis.
everytime i chance upon this picture, i'm reminded that...amid all the chaos that was going on in my life then, i could always take off for a while. sure, the job sucked, but you didn't stick around in town long enough for others to give you that much grief.
on the flip side, this picture alone speaks a thousand words.
lunch with ernie, cookie and big momma was good today. it felt familiar. the constant friendly debate whenever we get together...that took my mind off a lot of things. reminded me of the time when it was just cookie and me. we'd swear at each other and came up with all sortsa conspiracy theories...and we just meshed.
image-wise, we're total opposites. we both strike fear in others in different ways. people shun him because they're afraid he might beat them up. people avoid clashes with me because i'm such a bitch...;) we're so freakin similar that it scares me.
machismo. this is one word i ain't sure whether i learnt it in english, or in spanish. but i think you get what it means.
when boys or men get together, they act all "manly". no matter how soft they are with their partners on the side, when men get together, all hell breaks loose...and their partners just blend into the background. haha...that's why girls shouldn't demand to hang out with their boyfriends and their friends when it's buddy night. because if they tag along, it would either 1) make the boyfriend feel terribly awkward or 2) make her feel terribly unwanted.
this is just one of the many things women just fail to realize when they're in a relationship. friends are NOT the enemy! just...don't victimize yourself by excluding yourself in such activities...;)
i'm learning so much about men through scouting...hahaha.
i've seen how painful it is for someone to straddle between two groups of friends who either 1) don't know each other, 2) hate each other or 3) simply can't be bothered with each other.
of late, i've been trying to bridge the gap between these groups for the people who are going through such.
for most, i've been unsuccessful because these people are too selfish to see how a "coming together" for the sake of a mutual friend could make one person really happy.
i'm now working on one. and if i pull this off fine, this will be one of those things i'll remember for a long time to come.
because it takes true kinship, and love, for one to want to make such an effort.
and...i realize it's just in my nature to get my heart trampled on time and again...and still be able to stand up and keep trying.
should this fail...hmm...you know what? it won't fail.
because if the mohammad won't go to the mountain, the mountain will go to mohammad.
kapisch?
1) my passengers
2) walking around NYC alone
3) intimidating the hell outta crew who can't speak english properly (damn it, i'm such a bitch! haha...)
but the one thing i absolutely crave for right now is this:
THE ABILITY TO JUST TAKE OFF AND CLEAR YOUR MIND IN WHEREVER YOU MAY LAND.
there's something beautiful about being stuck in a foreign land, where you don't speak the native language and can only get about with gesturing and a little pocket dictionary.
one of my most memorable destinations was athens, because i got a chance to bond with a few in my new team. i was lucky to be placed in a team of smarts, among other things.
check out this pic taken on my way up to the acropolis.
everytime i chance upon this picture, i'm reminded that...amid all the chaos that was going on in my life then, i could always take off for a while. sure, the job sucked, but you didn't stick around in town long enough for others to give you that much grief.
on the flip side, this picture alone speaks a thousand words.
lunch with ernie, cookie and big momma was good today. it felt familiar. the constant friendly debate whenever we get together...that took my mind off a lot of things. reminded me of the time when it was just cookie and me. we'd swear at each other and came up with all sortsa conspiracy theories...and we just meshed.
image-wise, we're total opposites. we both strike fear in others in different ways. people shun him because they're afraid he might beat them up. people avoid clashes with me because i'm such a bitch...;) we're so freakin similar that it scares me.
machismo. this is one word i ain't sure whether i learnt it in english, or in spanish. but i think you get what it means.
when boys or men get together, they act all "manly". no matter how soft they are with their partners on the side, when men get together, all hell breaks loose...and their partners just blend into the background. haha...that's why girls shouldn't demand to hang out with their boyfriends and their friends when it's buddy night. because if they tag along, it would either 1) make the boyfriend feel terribly awkward or 2) make her feel terribly unwanted.
this is just one of the many things women just fail to realize when they're in a relationship. friends are NOT the enemy! just...don't victimize yourself by excluding yourself in such activities...;)
i'm learning so much about men through scouting...hahaha.
i've seen how painful it is for someone to straddle between two groups of friends who either 1) don't know each other, 2) hate each other or 3) simply can't be bothered with each other.
of late, i've been trying to bridge the gap between these groups for the people who are going through such.
for most, i've been unsuccessful because these people are too selfish to see how a "coming together" for the sake of a mutual friend could make one person really happy.
i'm now working on one. and if i pull this off fine, this will be one of those things i'll remember for a long time to come.
because it takes true kinship, and love, for one to want to make such an effort.
and...i realize it's just in my nature to get my heart trampled on time and again...and still be able to stand up and keep trying.
should this fail...hmm...you know what? it won't fail.
because if the mohammad won't go to the mountain, the mountain will go to mohammad.
kapisch?
Sunday, June 06, 2004
it's been a rough two days.
emotionally, i've been stripped down to nothingness.
all that's keeping me afloat now is the one thing that's been working against me in human relationships - PRIDE.
it's so easy to tell another person that she doesn't understand you...when you hardly know where she's been.
like i told someone yesterday, i daren't say i'm tired most times, because i know there are people out there who've been through a lot worse than i have.
so when you say i don't understand you, think of everything you know about me...then decide, again, if it's the right thing to say.
sometimes, people around you see things differently. they can tell you things you're too haughty to admit...but it shows.
remember i thought i'd now be crying over one of the things i've given up for the other?
well, i did...and didn't.
i wasn't about to cry about not being able to make the auditions...but when everything came crashing down, i just bawled my eyes out. at some point last night, i wished i had been to the auditions instead. because i wouldn't have had to feel under-appreciated for all my efforts.
me and elm tried so hard to make something happen yesterday, yet we were totally taken for a ride. it didn't really hit me until the end of the day, when it seemed like everything was out to get me. i wasted tears on someone who refused to even look at me as i spoke directly to him, i wasted a whole bunch of smses just trying to make something happen for someone i care about.
elm and i both agreed: we placed a chance on a silver platter, right in front of the person, and the person still didn't take it.
damn it! what's wrong with you people? you've only got one life so live it!
the only consolation that the day wasn't a total waste of my time and sacrifices was the moment lin sheng and chun hao decided to finish the race, even though they knew they were dead last.
that was inspiring. and it felt great to know i have such boys with me.
today, at a family gathering, i was chided over and over for not going for the auditions. even my cadet scout leader of an aunt scolded me for not going.
it all started with my cousin alex saying, "you know, the moment my sisters and i saw the singapore idol commercials, we straightaway thought of you!"
yes...and that got all my relatives joining into the "goondu" bashing.
i guess i COULD'VE gone. but imagine how guilty i'd feel, standing in line and waiting my turn.
i kinda feel bad enough for not going for the auditions. because it's something i really wanted. so yeah...there really was no need to remind me of how "stupid" i was.
on the flip side, it was totally heartening to see the whole lot of them rooting for me.
you know how relatives and parents usually discourage their kids from going into entertainment? my family's the direct opposite. they think that i was born for the limelight. they've thought that ever since i was a kid.
i wonder if that's the destiny i would fulfill in due time.
okay...what's to come may sound really morbid, but humor me...i'm at a low state right now...
i was so struggling to complete my reports through the tears. then i suddenly wondered: what would happen IF i was dying?
would people cherish me more and perhaps not take me for granted so often? would they suddenly realize how little time i have left with them? or would they only get that days before i go?
what would my funeral look like?
would people come? would people weep? would those who've hurt me feel guilty for doing so?
i guess i'm thinking all this because i'm feeling terribly under-appreciated right now.
for every person who gives me an angsty "YOU DON'T KNOW ME!", another brick is laid on my ever growing wall.
four months ago, i was convinced i could love. i was convinced i could love someone so unconditionally.
right now, my spirit as beth puts it has been battered and bruised.
now, i'm truly a changed girl.
i've grown up.
i may still be crying in the dark confines of my room, but i've grown.
pardon me for not smiling when you next see me. i'm just getting comfortable in my new skin.
i'm mentally transported back to the times when no one was at home, and i had to protect myself.
would things be any different if i was dying?
emotionally, i've been stripped down to nothingness.
all that's keeping me afloat now is the one thing that's been working against me in human relationships - PRIDE.
it's so easy to tell another person that she doesn't understand you...when you hardly know where she's been.
like i told someone yesterday, i daren't say i'm tired most times, because i know there are people out there who've been through a lot worse than i have.
so when you say i don't understand you, think of everything you know about me...then decide, again, if it's the right thing to say.
sometimes, people around you see things differently. they can tell you things you're too haughty to admit...but it shows.
remember i thought i'd now be crying over one of the things i've given up for the other?
well, i did...and didn't.
i wasn't about to cry about not being able to make the auditions...but when everything came crashing down, i just bawled my eyes out. at some point last night, i wished i had been to the auditions instead. because i wouldn't have had to feel under-appreciated for all my efforts.
me and elm tried so hard to make something happen yesterday, yet we were totally taken for a ride. it didn't really hit me until the end of the day, when it seemed like everything was out to get me. i wasted tears on someone who refused to even look at me as i spoke directly to him, i wasted a whole bunch of smses just trying to make something happen for someone i care about.
elm and i both agreed: we placed a chance on a silver platter, right in front of the person, and the person still didn't take it.
damn it! what's wrong with you people? you've only got one life so live it!
the only consolation that the day wasn't a total waste of my time and sacrifices was the moment lin sheng and chun hao decided to finish the race, even though they knew they were dead last.
that was inspiring. and it felt great to know i have such boys with me.
today, at a family gathering, i was chided over and over for not going for the auditions. even my cadet scout leader of an aunt scolded me for not going.
it all started with my cousin alex saying, "you know, the moment my sisters and i saw the singapore idol commercials, we straightaway thought of you!"
yes...and that got all my relatives joining into the "goondu" bashing.
i guess i COULD'VE gone. but imagine how guilty i'd feel, standing in line and waiting my turn.
i kinda feel bad enough for not going for the auditions. because it's something i really wanted. so yeah...there really was no need to remind me of how "stupid" i was.
on the flip side, it was totally heartening to see the whole lot of them rooting for me.
you know how relatives and parents usually discourage their kids from going into entertainment? my family's the direct opposite. they think that i was born for the limelight. they've thought that ever since i was a kid.
i wonder if that's the destiny i would fulfill in due time.
okay...what's to come may sound really morbid, but humor me...i'm at a low state right now...
i was so struggling to complete my reports through the tears. then i suddenly wondered: what would happen IF i was dying?
would people cherish me more and perhaps not take me for granted so often? would they suddenly realize how little time i have left with them? or would they only get that days before i go?
what would my funeral look like?
would people come? would people weep? would those who've hurt me feel guilty for doing so?
i guess i'm thinking all this because i'm feeling terribly under-appreciated right now.
for every person who gives me an angsty "YOU DON'T KNOW ME!", another brick is laid on my ever growing wall.
four months ago, i was convinced i could love. i was convinced i could love someone so unconditionally.
right now, my spirit as beth puts it has been battered and bruised.
now, i'm truly a changed girl.
i've grown up.
i may still be crying in the dark confines of my room, but i've grown.
pardon me for not smiling when you next see me. i'm just getting comfortable in my new skin.
i'm mentally transported back to the times when no one was at home, and i had to protect myself.
would things be any different if i was dying?
again, the faith in the pure innocence of youth and plain human dignity eludes me.
if even a 16-year-old can hurt you so much with empty promises...
it makes me wonder if i was plain stupid, to forsake my dreams of simply conquering my fears over these two days, just to make good on my promise of doing something for my boys.
i'm 23, and i daren't even say that i'm tired. even if i am, i still persevere.
at 16, you should never say you're tired. unless you've been through all my tribulations as a 23-year-old, then you can, at least, say you're tired in front of me.
i deserve an answer.
liars. you all are liars.
i hope you're happy as hell now.
to think i thought of you as someone even closer to me than my blood relations.
and to think you still haven't figured out why i'm so persistent and acommodating.
DO NOT take advantage of me.
and don't you dare even weep when i'm gone.
if even a 16-year-old can hurt you so much with empty promises...
it makes me wonder if i was plain stupid, to forsake my dreams of simply conquering my fears over these two days, just to make good on my promise of doing something for my boys.
i'm 23, and i daren't even say that i'm tired. even if i am, i still persevere.
at 16, you should never say you're tired. unless you've been through all my tribulations as a 23-year-old, then you can, at least, say you're tired in front of me.
i deserve an answer.
liars. you all are liars.
i hope you're happy as hell now.
to think i thought of you as someone even closer to me than my blood relations.
and to think you still haven't figured out why i'm so persistent and acommodating.
DO NOT take advantage of me.
and don't you dare even weep when i'm gone.
i am utterly shattered.
i'm back to the start of my vicious cycle.
i need to rebuild myself. alone.
this is the one thing, apart from my studies situation, that's hit me that hard.
it's kinda amusing how someone who's decidedly distanced himself from you can make you doubt your own inspirational capabilities.
and you know what hurt most?
it was thinking back on this:
"serene, don't let the little things get you down. think about the ones you've touched...the ones who now treat you like a big sister they never had...they're the ones you should focus on."
if i was that good a sister, i wouldn't have lost a brother. just like that.
i'm back to the start of my vicious cycle.
i need to rebuild myself. alone.
this is the one thing, apart from my studies situation, that's hit me that hard.
it's kinda amusing how someone who's decidedly distanced himself from you can make you doubt your own inspirational capabilities.
and you know what hurt most?
it was thinking back on this:
"serene, don't let the little things get you down. think about the ones you've touched...the ones who now treat you like a big sister they never had...they're the ones you should focus on."
if i was that good a sister, i wouldn't have lost a brother. just like that.
Thursday, June 03, 2004
i just realized, some minutes ago, that a supposed need could be transformed into a want. given the right environment, that is.
what happens when a person turns cold turkey on you? and that someone used to be so close to you that you could never imagine going on a day without him just saying hi...he may not be your romantic love, but at least, he's still close to you.
could you ever bring yourself to go cold turkey on him as well? i'm quite the example of that. in fact, my mom knows that i'm capable of bringing pain to people by simply just...doing nothing.
i really didn't want to do that to him, of all people. i considered him family. he was the baby of my other family. and it's not like he's grown up and left us...he's just lost. together, we could've found our way out of the woods. but now...we've been torn apart by circumstances that we've imposed on ourselves.
to think i've got the stomach to swallow verbal assaults from people who don't know me, when i can't even get by a day without crying now. i've been reduced, yet again, to that emotional mess i was before they came along.
i've also been disappointed, again, by people whom i've tried to help...but simply don't even want to try because they're simply too scared. WHY?!! why can't they at least give it a shot? i did, and look where i am now...
i mean...didn't they think that i was scared shitless then too? i'm living life so much more now. my senses are befuddled...my mind's in a mess...and i'm mentally and emotionally tested, but i'm loving it. if i hadn't taken on my current job, i would not have met cookie...and the sstt wouldn't have been born.
maybe what elm said was right. she used the analogy of whirlwind romances...they start fast, and they end quick.
perhaps that's what the sstt is about too.
but i'm wishing that we're more than that.
love you grovie
love you elmie,
love you cookie,
love you ernie,
love you birdy,
love you bert,
love you momma.
i hope that, someday, you'll understand why i want to spend whatever time i can with you.
what happens when a person turns cold turkey on you? and that someone used to be so close to you that you could never imagine going on a day without him just saying hi...he may not be your romantic love, but at least, he's still close to you.
could you ever bring yourself to go cold turkey on him as well? i'm quite the example of that. in fact, my mom knows that i'm capable of bringing pain to people by simply just...doing nothing.
i really didn't want to do that to him, of all people. i considered him family. he was the baby of my other family. and it's not like he's grown up and left us...he's just lost. together, we could've found our way out of the woods. but now...we've been torn apart by circumstances that we've imposed on ourselves.
to think i've got the stomach to swallow verbal assaults from people who don't know me, when i can't even get by a day without crying now. i've been reduced, yet again, to that emotional mess i was before they came along.
i've also been disappointed, again, by people whom i've tried to help...but simply don't even want to try because they're simply too scared. WHY?!! why can't they at least give it a shot? i did, and look where i am now...
i mean...didn't they think that i was scared shitless then too? i'm living life so much more now. my senses are befuddled...my mind's in a mess...and i'm mentally and emotionally tested, but i'm loving it. if i hadn't taken on my current job, i would not have met cookie...and the sstt wouldn't have been born.
maybe what elm said was right. she used the analogy of whirlwind romances...they start fast, and they end quick.
perhaps that's what the sstt is about too.
but i'm wishing that we're more than that.
love you grovie
love you elmie,
love you cookie,
love you ernie,
love you birdy,
love you bert,
love you momma.
i hope that, someday, you'll understand why i want to spend whatever time i can with you.
Wednesday, June 02, 2004
while in the toilet (of all places), i suddenly thought of the time cheryl called me up from german class and asked, sheepishly, if i was going to class that day. i wasn't, because i was really sick. on my birthday. later, she calls back again and says the class had bought a cake for me...and they sang me a birthday song...in german, which they learned only a coupla minutes before just for the ocassion.
schweet.
that thought's helping me through my frustration right now. fuck technology. i've spent the last few hours (since 8pm actually) trying to figure out what's wrong with the ftp software. after loadsa trial and error, and almost breaking out into a quarrel with the tech girl, i've finally deduced that it's probably my broadband that's causing the shit. it works just fine with internet access and email, but i just don't get why i suddenly ain't able to log on to the ftp server!
add to that frustration, i'm, again, consumed with irrepressible stress and sadness. my other family's falling apart. and while i'm taking a breather, it seems like no one else is holding on...
today (or yesterday, rather) is supposed to be rest day. and it was. sorta. but why does it have to end like this?
why can't you just hold on?
where's the promise of holding me up when i'm falling?
i need you. i really really do. but i don't have the courage to snap out of my shell.
schweet.
that thought's helping me through my frustration right now. fuck technology. i've spent the last few hours (since 8pm actually) trying to figure out what's wrong with the ftp software. after loadsa trial and error, and almost breaking out into a quarrel with the tech girl, i've finally deduced that it's probably my broadband that's causing the shit. it works just fine with internet access and email, but i just don't get why i suddenly ain't able to log on to the ftp server!
add to that frustration, i'm, again, consumed with irrepressible stress and sadness. my other family's falling apart. and while i'm taking a breather, it seems like no one else is holding on...
today (or yesterday, rather) is supposed to be rest day. and it was. sorta. but why does it have to end like this?
why can't you just hold on?
where's the promise of holding me up when i'm falling?
i need you. i really really do. but i don't have the courage to snap out of my shell.
i've been working on an overdose of ice cream and lots of ice cream cones.
the ice cream isn't particularly tasty, but it'll just have to do for now. i need the sugar rush. gosh, i wonder what this will do to my health screening next monday.
i was home for the entire day...doing practically nothing, yet i still feel utterly wasted. i've stuffed myself with mee siam and ice cream and i still feel like shit.
maybe it's because saturday's nearing and perhaps, subconsciously, i'm wishing that day would not come so soon.
oh well. it's coming all right.
i guess tomorrow's gonna be a mad rush of making up questions for the boys' race saturday...i still need to recce boat quay.
i feel that i'm becoming quite a slack employee...i don't know. maybe it's because the past few weeks were filled with stuff to do.
serene...remember that next week's gonna be a mad rush too...
the ice cream isn't particularly tasty, but it'll just have to do for now. i need the sugar rush. gosh, i wonder what this will do to my health screening next monday.
i was home for the entire day...doing practically nothing, yet i still feel utterly wasted. i've stuffed myself with mee siam and ice cream and i still feel like shit.
maybe it's because saturday's nearing and perhaps, subconsciously, i'm wishing that day would not come so soon.
oh well. it's coming all right.
i guess tomorrow's gonna be a mad rush of making up questions for the boys' race saturday...i still need to recce boat quay.
i feel that i'm becoming quite a slack employee...i don't know. maybe it's because the past few weeks were filled with stuff to do.
serene...remember that next week's gonna be a mad rush too...
Tuesday, June 01, 2004
"i drove 40 minutes from my parents' anniversary dinner, which i organized, beat rush hour traffic, ran through a crowded airport and now i'm here." - girl
"why?" - boy
"because i think you're someone i can dance with." - girl
"what about richard?" - boy
"he always stepped on my toes." - girl
beautiful huh?
the past week has been crazy. the weekend? even crazier.
but it's odd that despite how busy i've been, i always had the time to beat myself up (don't worry, i don't mean literally).
over three days, i've signed autographs, spoken to dozens of people, smiled for hours at a go. it sorta reminds me of the time i was at SIA. and even though i had last afternoon, this afternoon, and will have tomorrow off (mostly), i still feel exhausted. i had both afternoons to have a rest, but i simply couldn't sleep. i simply stoned my way through to the evenings. talk about feeling unproductive. but i simply couldn't help it.
i'm glad i got my book back from ray. the book is my life...it's probably the one thing that's got the most important bits of my past in it. reading it again's gonna make my cry loads. but that's what i gotta do tonight. i missed my book.
and i got back my CNH sweatshirt as well! rock on!!!
4 days to the singapore idol auditions.
4 days to the scouts weekend camp.
4 days to realizing what matters most.
and...
4 days to crying over losing one of them.
my body's an empty vessel. my soul's floating alongside it...just waiting for it to screw up.
i've been alone all this while. nothing's changed on that front.
what has...is that i've gained and lost emotional dependence in 3 months.
a grouch has gotta be proud of that.
"why?" - boy
"because i think you're someone i can dance with." - girl
"what about richard?" - boy
"he always stepped on my toes." - girl
beautiful huh?
the past week has been crazy. the weekend? even crazier.
but it's odd that despite how busy i've been, i always had the time to beat myself up (don't worry, i don't mean literally).
over three days, i've signed autographs, spoken to dozens of people, smiled for hours at a go. it sorta reminds me of the time i was at SIA. and even though i had last afternoon, this afternoon, and will have tomorrow off (mostly), i still feel exhausted. i had both afternoons to have a rest, but i simply couldn't sleep. i simply stoned my way through to the evenings. talk about feeling unproductive. but i simply couldn't help it.
i'm glad i got my book back from ray. the book is my life...it's probably the one thing that's got the most important bits of my past in it. reading it again's gonna make my cry loads. but that's what i gotta do tonight. i missed my book.
and i got back my CNH sweatshirt as well! rock on!!!
4 days to the singapore idol auditions.
4 days to the scouts weekend camp.
4 days to realizing what matters most.
and...
4 days to crying over losing one of them.
my body's an empty vessel. my soul's floating alongside it...just waiting for it to screw up.
i've been alone all this while. nothing's changed on that front.
what has...is that i've gained and lost emotional dependence in 3 months.
a grouch has gotta be proud of that.
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