it's been a rough two days.

emotionally, i've been stripped down to nothingness.

all that's keeping me afloat now is the one thing that's been working against me in human relationships - PRIDE.

it's so easy to tell another person that she doesn't understand you...when you hardly know where she's been.

like i told someone yesterday, i daren't say i'm tired most times, because i know there are people out there who've been through a lot worse than i have.

so when you say i don't understand you, think of everything you know about me...then decide, again, if it's the right thing to say.

sometimes, people around you see things differently. they can tell you things you're too haughty to admit...but it shows.

remember i thought i'd now be crying over one of the things i've given up for the other?

well, i did...and didn't.

i wasn't about to cry about not being able to make the auditions...but when everything came crashing down, i just bawled my eyes out. at some point last night, i wished i had been to the auditions instead. because i wouldn't have had to feel under-appreciated for all my efforts.

me and elm tried so hard to make something happen yesterday, yet we were totally taken for a ride. it didn't really hit me until the end of the day, when it seemed like everything was out to get me. i wasted tears on someone who refused to even look at me as i spoke directly to him, i wasted a whole bunch of smses just trying to make something happen for someone i care about.

elm and i both agreed: we placed a chance on a silver platter, right in front of the person, and the person still didn't take it.

damn it! what's wrong with you people? you've only got one life so live it!

the only consolation that the day wasn't a total waste of my time and sacrifices was the moment lin sheng and chun hao decided to finish the race, even though they knew they were dead last.

that was inspiring. and it felt great to know i have such boys with me.

today, at a family gathering, i was chided over and over for not going for the auditions. even my cadet scout leader of an aunt scolded me for not going.

it all started with my cousin alex saying, "you know, the moment my sisters and i saw the singapore idol commercials, we straightaway thought of you!"

yes...and that got all my relatives joining into the "goondu" bashing.

i guess i COULD'VE gone. but imagine how guilty i'd feel, standing in line and waiting my turn.

i kinda feel bad enough for not going for the auditions. because it's something i really wanted. so yeah...there really was no need to remind me of how "stupid" i was.

on the flip side, it was totally heartening to see the whole lot of them rooting for me.

you know how relatives and parents usually discourage their kids from going into entertainment? my family's the direct opposite. they think that i was born for the limelight. they've thought that ever since i was a kid.

i wonder if that's the destiny i would fulfill in due time.

okay...what's to come may sound really morbid, but humor me...i'm at a low state right now...

i was so struggling to complete my reports through the tears. then i suddenly wondered: what would happen IF i was dying?

would people cherish me more and perhaps not take me for granted so often? would they suddenly realize how little time i have left with them? or would they only get that days before i go?

what would my funeral look like?

would people come? would people weep? would those who've hurt me feel guilty for doing so?

i guess i'm thinking all this because i'm feeling terribly under-appreciated right now.

for every person who gives me an angsty "YOU DON'T KNOW ME!", another brick is laid on my ever growing wall.

four months ago, i was convinced i could love. i was convinced i could love someone so unconditionally.

right now, my spirit as beth puts it has been battered and bruised.

now, i'm truly a changed girl.

i've grown up.

i may still be crying in the dark confines of my room, but i've grown.

pardon me for not smiling when you next see me. i'm just getting comfortable in my new skin.

i'm mentally transported back to the times when no one was at home, and i had to protect myself.

would things be any different if i was dying?