obviously, you guys know you aren't the only ones who're trying to decipher me.

after this whole episode with jiahao, i guess you're right.

i should lay off.

after last night, i tried putting myself in his shoes. he was right. his friends of 10 years are probably the most important to him right now, other than his studies. i pictured myself back in secondary school. it was true that my friends meant some to me. but they weren't the world. that was because of one thing...

since sec 2, when my brother was diagnosed with leukemia, my whole world changed. when he fell sick, i had no one around me. sure...i was popular...basketball captain, class chairman, head of the PA crew, track star...i did everything and people thought highly of me. but i was lonely. there was never one person around who i could just sit down with and talk.

that, plus the fact that when i got home from school, there'd be no one around. even if my grandaunt were around, i'd be physically and emotionally traumatized by the things she put me through. she had to de-stress as well, and she took it out on me.

so you see...i had to learn to protect myself. and i guess through doing that, i skipped the entire "best friends till we die" phase in secondary school.

i had to protect myself.

so guys...this is how it all started. cookie had to go thru a different sort of growing up. the rest of you grew up differently as well. but this is my story. bear with me while i narrate the milestones...so you can see why i'm who i am today. and after reading this, i hope you'll learn to understand that i cannot be "figured out" just like that...and...see why i was so affected by the happenings of recent weeks.

besides my emotional pain during secondary school days, and my parents not being around most of the time, the one thing that changed my family dynamics was my decision to study mass communication in poly. the moment i applied for the course, my dad and i waged a cold war against each other. that went on for almost two years, until i started having my reports played on newsradio... i can still remember how proud he was of me.

poly was hard. my peers in mcm shunned me...because they thought i was uppity-smart. many spread rumors that i was cold and bitchy. it was only the people who worked with me who realized that i was actually quite a nice person.

i remember once, i was directing a "live" studio demo show...and i was named one of the best directors around because i was so comfortable in my seat, and i could even compliment the cameramen while i was directing the whole sequence...;) one of the best memories.

still, i never did hang out with any of my poly coursemates...not that i didn't try to. it's just that...i had to work most nights till about 2am, get home by 3am, and head to school the next morning by 8am. of course, i'd try to squeeze time to study and do some homework in between. how i managed to get through those years like that still amazes me.

people who i considered my friends turned on me. people called me a backstabber, just because i refused to give them credit for them NOT doing their part of the project.

final year. i met wayne umehara - my photojournalism lecturer. we shared a special bond...a bond that even till now, i respect. though i've lost contact with him since i graduated. if you're reading this blog, you should already know how special he is to me.

so all through poly was a struggle. i had NO friends. so the only thing that kept me going was the thought of leaving singapore after i finished with mcm. my parents gave me the green light to scout around for colleges in the US. so for four years i bore the pain and anguish...simply because i knew it would come to an end.

i scrimped and saved whatever i earned...(i was no longer receiving pocket money) and ate scraps for lunch or meals...or didn't eat at all. i remember bringing exactly six digestive cookies in a ziplock bag and a packet of milk. that was lunch all through poly. there were times when i'd get something from the canteen, but i hardly ever did that.

i never had a boyfriend, nor had i seriously dated anyone because i didn't want to get distracted from my goal. i was so disciplined.

FOUR YEARS. it all came to a crashing halt when the day before my final paper, my mom comes into my room, and tells me they can't afford to send me overseas...or, even help pay for my studies anywhere. yet another milestone.

so much false hope...and it was that one hope i clung to all four years. i gave up a job offer upon graduation, just because i believed i would be going away. you can imagine how far i fell then. four years of dreams.

went to the US for camp new hope. singing brought me, and many others, much joy. they said i had a gift for soothing souls.

minnesota. mentally and emotionally tested. people i got to know for just over a week were to become my family for three months. and what a time it was...we were battered and bruised...literally. but we stuck together and refused to leave because we didn't wanna leave each other standing alone to face the storm.

till this day, we're still close friends. because we've been through some tough shit together. you could say we saved each others' lives and souls. sometimes, we don't even hear from each other for one year at a go...but we know that we're always there for each other.

lisjana, beth and liesbet know...that i'll fly right to their side should they need me. they're my girls.

came back. after sbs, joined SQ. my self-esteem suffered. i stopped trusting. i had NO friends once again.

scouts. even then, i felt like an outcast.

so you see...everywhere i went, i was excluded. it wasn't that i didn't try...it just seems like i was too eccentric for the crowd.

for someone who's been excluded all her life, it's hard for her to care for someone. really care for someone.

she thought all that had come to an end when grover came into the picture. he picked her up when she was at her weakest. he saw her through her worst nights.

he was just...there. and that was all she needed.

she didn't need his hugs...his presence. she just had to know that he was there for her.

and she was there for him.

and when that came into question a while back, i fell. like a falling star, i just crashed straight into the depths of depression.

after all, how could someone who seemed to love me like i was his world, suddenly turn?

a further slap in the face was when he said his friends of 10 years were his priority when it came to time...and so, he left his surrogate family of the sstt behind.

he said he still loved the sstt, but things were different. the bonds were weakened.

i asked if he was open to the idea of strengthening the bond.

he said NO.

so this morning, as i walked to SIASR for my interviews, i snapped outta it.

guys...i'm 23. i am not that much older than you. but look at the above...i wish none of what i've mentioned would happen to you.

do you now understand why i'm so upset?

my feelings have been fucked around by strangers. but never did i think i would get done in by family.

i made a last-ditch attempt. he rejected me. again. and again. and again.

guess there's nothing else i can do.