he had obviously no intention of concealing their "relationship" any longer.

though they had respected the people around them enough to keep their hands to themselves for most of the day, his subtle gestures were proof enough of his underlying affection.

early that morning, they had sent some charges to camp. while in the van, he had, at times, kept his hand on her knee, simply to prevent her from lunging forward when the van jerked.

later, while taking the train back to the north (together with her aunt who had dozed off), he kept staring at the magazine she was reading, suddenly wondering out loud if the US general elections were to be held soon. she looked at him, obviously impressed that he knew that fact. as they went on, he lifted his arm and pulled her arm under his. he held her hand as they both continued reading the magazine.

about five stops away from their destination (they were heading for a movie while her aunt was heading home), she suddenly looked up...and saw her uncle standing right in front of her. she grinned sheepishly at him, then nudged HIM in the ribs, telling him that the man standing in front of them is her uncle. he lifted his arm a little, seemingly to let her remove hers, but she kept it there. she talked to her uncle for a bit, then attempted to wake her aunt with THAT hand.

she heaved a sigh of relief as they disembarked. the awkwardness was over.

the aunt went home, and the two of them went to the movie. it was mediocre...but he had become more affectionate then. after the flick, they walked out of the theater and into the moist air, brought about by the rain that was raging while they were still inside. as they stood at the landing, wondering how to get home, he put his arm around her waist and pulled her close. how cliche: there they were, sheltered from the rain, with his arm around her. she kissed him on the cheek and led him by the hand to the bus interchange. no words were spoken.

on the bus home, he kept his arms around her the whole time, and rested his chin on her shoulder. as she turned her head to face him, he rubbed her nose with his, and grinned. he kissed her goodbye, then got off the bus.

as they both walked to their respective homes, something stirred in both of them.

there was no denying it...it was becoming a relationship.

just as i was about to chill on the spread and read TIME, my darling mac lit up, and on was my blog spot. so here i am again...but i'm gonna be using a different tone this time around.

just half an hour after tom's phone interview, mark called me. i guess he was trying to allay my fears. he's an amazing man, that mark... first he asked how i was and totally empathised with how i felt cuz of the horrid and bitchy remarks i got that day on flight. his sister-in-law used to be in the business as well...haha. then he went on about how i shouldn't be too stressed out about the session earlier because he had called tom, and found out what transpired between us then.

the one thing he said that touched me the most was that he felt a certain responsibility towards me, because he knew how much potential i had, and that it wouldn't take a lot for me to realize that full potential. so he said he's gonna pay for my financial markets training course, as well as arrange for a half-day presentation skills training session with me. he said that technically, i've already been chosen and would most probably be hired, but in the event that i'm not, he'd want me to go away from this enriched, and having learnt something.

another thing which totally shocked me was that apart from all this goodwill, he said that my bond amount would be made part of my contract, and that they would buy me out!

okay...i know this kinda thing happens a lot...but i'm a total nobody! and to have someone believe in you that much, i gotta admit it's kinda stressful. but it's an esteem-booster as well...

by the way, he said that what both tom and him so liked about me was my honesty. mark also said that with the proper training, my voicing skills would go from the current (say 65%) to about 90% in a matter of weeks...dang... thing is: he keeps emphasizing that i shouldn't thank him, because he's just being totally honest with me, nothing more. geez...

relief.

stutter, stutter, stutter...that's rene for you.

bubba asked, "what happened to the calm and collected serene?"

and i'm like, "the calm and collected serene got flushed down the toilet bowl."

i hate phone conversations with people i haven't met face-to-face. i got increasingly nervous as i spoke to him and rambled my way through the interview. and believe me...it really was an interview. it couldn't even be passed off as a conversation.

"tell me more about yourself" - like, how the hell was i supposed to answer that? couldn't he at least be more specific?

the last question was: "why should we hire you?"

I HATE ANSWERING SUCH QUESTIONS!!! i can never answer that...how the hell are you supposed to sell yourself without sounding cocky?!

aarrggghhh!!!! the stress!!!!

i like.

i can't believe how long i've been lying in bed...now this is what i call lethargy.

i have to prepare for flight in half an hour.

boring.

last night i spoke to bubba. he told me something really funny...

peter had told bubba that he wanted to ask me out on the night of the 7th. bubba laughed, and asked if he were to do that, then where would that put HIM? and peter says there shouldn't be a problem, cuz HIM and i were just on talking terms, nothing more.

so i guess when he saw HIM and i sitting close at the back of the van, it struck him that we were, indeed, more than just "on talking terms".

but sure, i'll still hang with bubba and peter on the 7th.

music soothes the savage beast.

music, apparently, also cures the running nose.

as soon as the band started playing, my nose stopped drippin. and i didn't realize it until KT mentioned it over a bowl of soup at mixed cuisine.

the best thing about the jazz set was how it managed to turn me from sad little girl to sad-but-still-able-to-smile little girl. i guess this is the part of my life when my happiness has reached a plateau and has decided to come crashing down.

i stood atop the esplanade...at its roof terrace, with my aunt and KT. as much as i appreciated their company, i somehow wished i were alone then.

if i were alone, my tears could just roll down with wild abandon, and i'd be reminded of how i need to be independent of emotions and feelings of any sort in order to succeed; that i need not fear getting hurt because no one would have the power to hurt me.

i guess i just really need a good cry. trouble is: i'd get shit reporting for flight tomorrow with puffy eyes.

I HATE CRYING.

i shouldn't be too disappointed. after all, i kinda expected it, didn't i?

it wasn't like i was being stood up while i was out again. imagine someone saying "so sorry, i just woke up. think it's too late to catch a movie".

honey, you'd be wrong to assume i was dissin' you because of a stupid movie.

i asked you out simply because i know i wouldn't be seeing you in the next couple of weeks...and thought to tell you that today.

you know what? i suddenly realized why i feel so down.

i had kinda planned my day around this meeting...and had wanted to tell you what mark said when he called earlier when i was to meet you later.

how can people expect me to fucking feel and get on with life all smiling and happy when this keeps happening?

and i'm not just dissing you. you just happen to be the latest in line.

poor you.

was going to write about jo when dad chased me outta my room and into the car. we had to go pick mom up from the airport. now that those thoughts have dissipated, it's useless to try to remember them.

mark just told me i'll be speaking to tom murrell this friday at 2pm. he's gonna call me from perth.

just reading that sms sent a spike of adrenaline down to my very core. the after-effect? jitters.

just as i'm recovering from my chest pains, my mom seems to have passed me her flu. so here i am...typing away with a nose that's drippin'.

think i gotta lie down some.

i believe today has been the best rest day ever, because i was forced to rest.

the good doctor gave me two days off...and i'm so taking it. i don't think i've slept like i have today in months. even when i had night flights, i couldn't sleep in the day like i've done today.

you know what? i had this sudden urge to combine everything i've written so far, and write a musical. you know...just to take all my writing and see where that takes me.

sigh...i've got so many ideas it's hard to keep track. let's work on the movie marathon first.

better yet...let's work on getting me outta this rut.

she awoke with a start at 0230hrs. it was barely an hour before that she fell asleep.

this time, it wasn't a nightrage but something very real. as she took a deep breath, she clutched her chest as if it were going to split open any second. so started the morning of controlled breathing and minimum rest. she HAD to call in sick.

it wasn't that many hours ago that she was doing good...laughing and singing at the back of a van with her mates. he had kissed her then.

wait...could the pain be a foreboding signal? after all, she hadn't felt such misery caused by physical pain in quite a while. was it coming to her because she had too much fun the night before?

it couldn't have been the fun...for she swears she'd had more fun than that.

was it because he'd hugged her so tight? then kissed her goodnight?

she went to the doctor's. he felt about her rib cage and she gasped as he gently applied pressure just below her sternum.

he said she's suffering from an acute muscle strain, wrote her a two-day medical certificate, and sent her on her way.

she breathed a sigh of relief.

"serene is an angel"...boy 1

"if i could give you a scout name, i'd name you 'angel heart'"...bubba

"serene! i passed! i passed!"...boy 2

"you are like a big sister to me"...jas

"i love you serene"...cole

"if i were your father, i'd be very very proud of you"...andre

and...

"serene, a good friend is like a million dollars. you only need one of such in your lifetime to make life worthwhile. you can be a million dollars to a lot of people, serene. just try to open up your heart a little, and let people in"...wayne

Security.

she sat down, tugged at her skirt and blinked her eyes, trying to keep awake. he, seated next to her, was clutching onto his backpack like there was a million bucks in it.

he had asked her out for a movie; a horror flick. she hadn't seen one in ages. she wasn't scared at the impending "strike of fear" because she's the kinda girl who'll usually scoff at horror flicks, and laugh at the scariest parts.

as the screen began to flicker, she felt compelled to put her arm through his...and she did. resting her head on his shoulder, she felt somewhat awkward, that is, until he leant back and held her hand. towards the seemingly more chilling parts of the movie, he held her hand tight...at times even bringing it up to his lips.

movie ends. they walk out into the moist, warm air. she could tell the air was moist, because when he took her hand, it felt moist...and warm.

and so it goes for the rest of the evening. he held her hand, as he had said he would before. then they parted ways, with nary a farewell. he headed for work and she, back to where she came from.

as she strode to her transport, she took in everything she saw around - men wrapping their arms possessively around their girlfriends, parents trying to pacify their kids in strollers, girl friends talking loudly as if trying to talk to people 10 feet away.

she smiled to herself. in that one instant, she felt happy. sure, she was fatigued and mentally asleep. but somewhere deep down, she felt good.

she smiled because it was a perfect day.

so perfect that it should never have been.

The lack of it.

has our dear protagonist lost sight of everything?

what happened to the "i'll never feel again" stance she swore to abide by?

rest assured, dear readers, that our girl hasn't lost her way. she's simply decided to let loose a little and have some fun.

she thinks that she should at least let this person feel for her, and not slap him in the face (as she's always done with others who tried) at first instance.

she may hold his hand, kiss his cheek, let him hold her like he's never going to again...but she sure as hell ain't gonna be feeling too much for this guy.

moral of the story: words sting. and the worst part of it is: they can't be taken back.

so there'd better be some major damage control/recovery, or there's gonna be one less female in this world to talk and cuddle up to.

we see the dawning of a new era.

pan right...no, left. zoom in on two people who seem to care less about each other. their body language says it all - she's sitting cross-legged, facing away from him, and he's staring at the stage, sometimes busying himself with his handphone.

tilt down. her left hand and his right are so close that it seems the only thing separating the two joints is an invisible slice of paper.

zoom in on their hands. the invisible slice seems to vanish, and a magnetic force seems to be pulling the two hands together slowly, but surely. he edges his index finger towards her hand, rests it on hers. the screen seems to freeze, and she finally decides to respond. she moves her fingers...he turns her hand and slips his fingers through hers.

tilt back up and zoom out. their body language remains the same - nonchalant, cold, unfeeling.

if this goes through, i'll forever go with the theory of "hard work and willingness to learn shall triumph".

if this goes through, i'll be able to sell that theory to the people i so care about.

if this goes through, i'll hold a big celebration and hug and kiss everyone around me.

and i'll write every night.

so please let it be.

today was all about work. am just glad it was just a turnaround and not a freakin long flight. am glad that all my flights till the end of the roster are pretty reasonable...short and sweet.

guess what? of late, when i see HIM, i feel my blood bubbling...then i simply just refuse to look anymore. he's no longer that certain someone i thought was fun to hang out with like that. now that's a good feeling. i mean, i still care for him, but not the way others who know about us would expect me to.

today was extremely unproductive.

am so pissed at myself that i can't even bring myself to replay the whole evening in my head again.

you know those times when you feel like your day has been totally unproductive but because you spent time with someone you liked, the day wasn't a total waste? today wasn't one of those days. in fact, i think i had more fun at work than after it...

i can't believe how i spent my off-day...especially with it being a sunday.

went to a church funfair this morn with the buncha guys, went back to school to do some stuff, played some ultimate, b-ball and such. read some notes on the SGX...blar blar, then spent the rest of the day trying to find somewhere to bowl, ending up at the civil service club discussing the bowling shit with one of the veterans. we spent almost three hours just sitting at the cafeteria...yapping. then we left for east coast to bowl, cuz the bowling alley at the civil service club was totally crowded. they bowled, i watched and read ray's notes. then i realized he left the cam in the scout's den...and uh...after i reached home, i realized i left my resume in his file...dang.

on the way to dinner at toa payoh from east coast, was yet again at the back of the van with him. it was quite funny...cuz we've been traveling around the whole day, most of the time with me sitting in front, and after we left the civil service club, my aunt asked peter to sit in front with her. so i sat with him at the back. on the way to dinner, he "positioned" me in such a way that he could wrap his arm around me...so i just let him. just sat there like that with his arm around me, and i was feeling nothing...well, sorta. then in the spirit of comfort and "fun", we got more comfortable with each other. so there we were...arm around me all the way to toa payoh. then again...from toa payoh to hougang (where we dropped peter off), he had his arm around me. i could've sworn that KT saw something cuz he looked back suddenly and we were seated at an angle he could've clearly seen what was going on behind there.

oh well. am tired. can't think no more. good night...haha...today's buzz-phrase: "divine help".

so this is fatigue.

my head's heavy from simply being up for way too long. brain's dead from the same ol'.

learnt as well that one of my poly-mates has passed on. read about it this afternoon, after he was cremated. no one knows for sure what happened to sam. a couple think it was suicide. my mind's simply too numb to feel right now. but yes, i am sad. i don't know the guy, didn't care to know him then...but still...to hear that one of my peers is gone is frighteningly sobering.

sometime after we touched down in manila last night and before we left for the airport this morning, two gunmen took over the control tower of ninoy aquino. fortunately, we were able to leave just slightly later than scheduled...cuz the two were shot... the violence...

was writing some in manila...ramsay said he was quite scared of me when we first hung out. but after he saw through "the shell", he felt more comfortable and says he feels happy whenever we hang out...that's why he keeps asking me out (and i keep finding excuses to say no...).

my head's too fucked...i gotta stop now.

being at home today, i realized one thing: i've truly regrouped and lost the sense to feel.

yesterday, after meeting up with mark and angus to discuss a possible position, i met up with bubba. and he kept asking if HE messaged me that day. i said nopes...then went on babbling about something else. bubba stopped me and asked if i really was okay...and i was, like, "what's there to be un-okay about?". do these people see something i don't, cuz i really don't care about HIM like that anymore. in fact, no matter how i view the situation we're in, we seem to be stuck in faux-relationship purgatory. i say "faux" because there was never one to begin with.

i realized how much i've managed to get done in the past couple of days. it seems like i'm having this renewed focus and driving force...knowing how possible it is for me to attain something.

yesterday (i've told many this already), i wore a suit to the meeting with mark and angus. it was the first time i wore it...and the first in a very long time i've dressed like that. i won't deny that it felt extremely good. i felt empowered as a woman...to be walking down the strip in my power-suit, taking long strides with my head held high and half-smiling to myself. it's like...the crowd parted for me or something...haha...nothing could stand in my way yesterday.

so that's how it feels like...and that's how i feel now. nothing else matters. well, except for some of our scouting matters.

and during dinner last night with aunt and rachel, they told me something that made my jaw drop. they said that when they walk with me along the streets, people do turn to look at me. and i'm like "what the f...?!" aunt said she didn't know what it was...perhaps it's the way i "carried" myself...i don't know. gag...

and it hit me this afternoon...i finally knew how it felt like to want to be with someone. it might have been for an instant, but i did get to feel it. that was the first bloody time. it was painful...i remember how angry, hurt and disappointed i felt...bottomline is that i managed to FEEL. so i guess all's not lost.

i'm glad i managed to experience that...even though nothing good ever came outta it. no wait...i came outta it.