being at home today, i realized one thing: i've truly regrouped and lost the sense to feel.

yesterday, after meeting up with mark and angus to discuss a possible position, i met up with bubba. and he kept asking if HE messaged me that day. i said nopes...then went on babbling about something else. bubba stopped me and asked if i really was okay...and i was, like, "what's there to be un-okay about?". do these people see something i don't, cuz i really don't care about HIM like that anymore. in fact, no matter how i view the situation we're in, we seem to be stuck in faux-relationship purgatory. i say "faux" because there was never one to begin with.

i realized how much i've managed to get done in the past couple of days. it seems like i'm having this renewed focus and driving force...knowing how possible it is for me to attain something.

yesterday (i've told many this already), i wore a suit to the meeting with mark and angus. it was the first time i wore it...and the first in a very long time i've dressed like that. i won't deny that it felt extremely good. i felt empowered as a woman...to be walking down the strip in my power-suit, taking long strides with my head held high and half-smiling to myself. it's like...the crowd parted for me or something...haha...nothing could stand in my way yesterday.

so that's how it feels like...and that's how i feel now. nothing else matters. well, except for some of our scouting matters.

and during dinner last night with aunt and rachel, they told me something that made my jaw drop. they said that when they walk with me along the streets, people do turn to look at me. and i'm like "what the f...?!" aunt said she didn't know what it was...perhaps it's the way i "carried" myself...i don't know. gag...

and it hit me this afternoon...i finally knew how it felt like to want to be with someone. it might have been for an instant, but i did get to feel it. that was the first bloody time. it was painful...i remember how angry, hurt and disappointed i felt...bottomline is that i managed to FEEL. so i guess all's not lost.

i'm glad i managed to experience that...even though nothing good ever came outta it. no wait...i came outta it.