just came back from a colombo flight this morning. wasn't too bad really...probably cuz it was a night flight. actually managed to speak quite a bit to this woman about camp and my present job. she was so impressed she has invited me over to her house in colombo the next time i go there! interesting eh?

just sent an email to this company called "bluesauce", applying to be a VC for their VOXPOPtv. seems pretty interesting, and they're paying pretty good too. i mean...extra cash is always good right? wouldn't mind doing it on my off days...not that i have too much free time cuz of LAW as well. but seriously, it'll be really cool to be able to do this.

feeling's gone...not totally, but most of it has dissipated. perhaps it's cuz i've been too busy to think about all these things. that's why i just love being busy.

spoke to kapitan trujillo on the flight this morning. pretty fun...really must brush up on my espanol. what's the point of saying "hablas tu espanol" if you can't speak any?!

all righty then...have to go christmas shopping now. laters.

just turned on the telly to ian wright in cuba! oh man...think i'd better buck up on my spanish right after my exams. all this spanish i hear these days...it's a sign. "bienvenido a cuba is what i'd say...but only if you send me there..."

had my first taste of the law exam earlier. man was it tough! i just sat there for the first hour, unable to move my pen. all my thoughts were jumbled up and cases and topics were all getting so mixed up. imagine: i almost wrote down Entick v Carrington for Conventions! the horror!!! i'm so gonna die at tomorrow's criminal law paper...geez.

spent about a couple of hours studying before heading for SIC, otherwise i was dozing most of the day away. why the hell do i feel so lethargic these days? dang...i need to get back my energy! oh yeah, yesterday's flight was the creme of ALL bad flights i've done so far...haha. i was totally whipped by the end of the day. and my GS was so angry with me i really didn't know what else to say...oh well. anyways, there were two girls more junior than me, so i was uh...quite okay...haha.

all righty...got a long day ahead tomorrow. buenas noches mi amigo.

i'm staying in to try and get some studying done. but i don't know why i keep feeling so lethargic and sleepy whenever i open my books! i'm usually pretty determined to complete a couple of chapters when i get started, but for the past few attempts, i'd doze off on my second page! sad huh?

went to watch ghost ship with someone yesterday. horrid show i must say...stupid. if harry potter were a 10, ghost ship would probably be a 3. dang...but the day wasn't all bad. the person i was with introduced me to his friend's restaurant...and the deal turned out to be pretty cool! we had chocolate fondue...umm...gotta bring yen there when she gets back from melb.

so yeah, that's me for today. don't think i'll be going for class then. will try to do a couple more pages of criminal law, then move on to public law. at least that isn't as confusing as criminal...sigh. well, i ain't too bad...managed to get a few cases into my head already, thanks to the casebook i got from manchester.

so i'm back to writing here again. so soon huh? i guess my writing will come in bouts cuz of how i feel and if i've got anything to write at all.

just got back from the scout's barbeque and mock-campfire. met a seemingly decent and nice guy there, but while he seemed interested in the beginning, didn't pursue anything later on. he looked exactly like my type - rather decent looking, wears glasses, speaks well and seems grounded. drives a mercedes, no less...haha. anyways, only found out bout the mercedes bit when i left. we worked together on a short skit for the campfire, together with my aunt, cousins and a couple of other scout leaders.

dang...what's up with me? why do i keep feeling so weird bout guys and stuff like that? am i just envious of the people who look so happy with their better halves? or am i just plain desperate? i refuse to admit to the latter...so it's probably the former. looking at how sweet my cousin and his girlfriend are to each other is just so heartwarming. i'll bet anyone who sees them together will wish they had the kinda relationship those two have.

time flies huh? it's already december, and i'm into my third month of flying. of course, exams are just next week so i'd better buck up.

just woke up not too long ago and was, for the rare ocassion, grateful to be in my own bed. everything felt so familiar and wonderful. i mean...it's fun to be in another country, but you'll always be a stranger. singapore's home. sure, familiarity breeds contempt and the grass is always greener on the other side. but the way i see it, singaporean's are awfully proud to be part of the small island they live on. just look at the way they talk to people about their country. and of course, people usually ooh and ahh about how developed this supposedly categorized "third world" has become. i don't even know where they get the friggin' term "third world" from. it's ridiculous. sure...some countries are under-developed and all, but in comparison to which ones? the ones who've claimed global domination economically? or the ones who consider themselves martyrs for pretending to be concerned about such "third world" nations, albeit them never actually moving in to help?

global news has been truly disappointing. this i learnt from watching too much CNN in my hotel rooms. riots, demonstrations, pay-rise protests...doesn't seem like the world's such a peaceful place to live in now huh? what crap about world peace. it's such a dumb-ass term used to describe the pseudo-reality each of us lives in. of course, not everyone's like me in getting so affected by all the shit going on around the world.

it was so great to have been able to catch up with liesbet last week. i almost forgot what it was like to have real friends. i could hear the excitement in her voice when i called her in the morning last wednesday...she just couldn't stop giggling! we spent a huge part of the night just reminiscing our times at camp and going through old photo albums. the next day was cool because she took the day off from work to bring me around antwerp, about a half hour away from sinaai. it's a beautiful place...but i couldn't really grasp the essence of the area cuz it was so bloody cold! it's also been a long time since i just hung out with a girl friend, so that was really nice. we were just walking down the streets of designer boutiques and such, walking into a couple cuz she was so taken in by some of the hats. it was also heartwarming to visit her family and jo's family...the highlight being each of their families gave me a present. liesbet's father gave me one of his specially-crafted paintings - a picture of sinaai's town hall. jo's father, being the sculptor, gave me a plaster-made frog on a stone. i was so overwhelmed by all the warmth and the friendship that i had tears in my eyes on the way back to brussels. i was so gonna miss my friend.

anyways, i also found out that smiling and listening can take you a long way.

just flew to melbourne and back over the weekend. met up with yen, wen and dave...life seemed normal for a bit.

i wonder how life would be like if they were back in singapore, since i don't have too many friends to talk to while i'm here. guess this job's good for me...doesn't really leave me a lotta down time. of course, i relish the rest and study time. other than that, down time equals loneliness.

twas nice hanging out with yen and wen on the beach, albeit for only a while. yen was telling me bout her housemate's new boyfriend, who's supposedly really decent, good looking and sociable. then i was, like, "hey, introduce him to me or something"...then she said something like she wished she could, cuz she'd rather he go out with someone like me. oh well, i guess it's true that the good ones are all taken... what the hell am i griping about?! geez...

the feeling ain't so strong now, but it's still there. especially when everyone else has got their better half...haha. dang.

i wrote this stupid song on the spur...weird thing is that this is the first time i've managed to complete a song so fast. i must've really felt something while writing it.

i so hate feeling this way cuz it renders me totally useless. guess i just need an outlet or something to satiate my thirst...i'm not sure what kinda thirst it is though. went to this party in zurich and it certainly posted some pretty potential lookers. but alas, perpetuating the already obvious presumption, they were all arrested by the skimpily-dressed, blonde and blue-eyed. i hate to admit it, but i guess almost all men who hang out at parties and such have some sorta hidden agenda. for example, they might have made a bet amongst themselves to see who'd get the most number of digits on a napkin, or perhaps who'd score with the hot chick in the corner. whichever the case, it truly was disappointing to see how such grown men (or are they still BOYS) were acting.

i've gotten a couple of responses to the email i sent out...the one with the stupid teeny-bopper lyric-ed of a song. this was the very first time i had the courage to share some of my writing with people on a wider basis. of course, i still ain't sure why i felt so strongly about this one song.

the idea of the song stemmed from how this pretty boy wouldn't give this girl the time of the day because of how she looks. this girl then wishes she could possess all the beauty in the world to arrest him and get him to look at her in a different light.

i've always felt like the wallflower, even if people keep telling me i'm not. please realise i'm not exaggerating when i say that i don't get that much attention really. of course i'd love for a guy to like me for my intellect, as well as for the way i look. but i was never, and neither am i now, comfortable with my looks. i just can't take compliments on my looks and such. one guy called jeff asked where i got so much angst from since i wasn't "an ugly duckling anyway". well, jeff didn't know me when i was younger. i was awkward, skinny and full of insecurities...pretty much like i am now (cept for the "skinny" part). so i grew up, amid several turbulent conditions...but there's still the little girl in me screaming to get out of that cage full of fleeting tension and nerves.

what you're seeing is the serene of today. she's tougher and seems more level-headed than anyone else her age. but deep down, she's still that someone who was mocked and disappointed...most of her young life.

Wallowing in self pity...a thing of the past. Never did think I'd get over how suckee I feel at times, especially when people misunderstand me. But now, I seriously don't give a shit. Go ahead...tell everyone how bitchy or heartless I am, see if I care. Wait a sec...I AM heartless.

I don't usually resort to diaries, but since you exist, here I am. This is probably an outlet for me and an info-guide for you - into the real me.

There's this huge part of me that wants to just leave everything behind and start a new life in the States. I can live without friends and family. Well, at least emotionally. I'm not gonna crap about why I think my life sucks, but rest assured that it DOES suck that much to want to leave behind.

No! I'm not pitying myself. I happen to like who I am...just not the things or people I have to put up with. I've always wanted to change the world...not to make feminism an issue.

I'm proud to be Singaporean, but there are times when I feel like I'm just not meant to be one, like I've been born in the wrong part of the world.

I hate people telling me what I want and stuff. You're telling me what YOU want for me. Hell...I'd be damned if I ever heeded those advice.

And a word of warning...don't ever doubt my capability. When I say I can do something, I usually mean I'm able to do it...there's nothing else to it. Don't expect me to take you at face value, or believe whatever you say. I'm a good actor...and no matter how much you'd want to believe I'm on your side...save it.

As much as I preach about being able to live without friends and family, I have to admit that while I'm in the roles, I'm pretty good.

Dang...

well...i didn't write much on paris cuz i felt sick after writing too much on the email.

i can't figure men out. haha...yeah, i know...they probably aren't as hard to figure out as women, but hell...

does it mean anything if he asks you out? what if it doesn't feel like a date? is it still a date then? i don't wanna read too much into anything cuz i'm a total mess at reading the species from mars. and all thanks to DP for making me aware of that...haha. Of course, I'm truly happy that he's found someone he loves wholeheartedly. my girl friends, too, think that I'm totally horrendous in the male department. then again, i've always thought of myself as "half male-half female" brained.

i hate being totally clueless at things like these. then again, i can't be sure of everything, can i? guys and i...we just click like buddies...that's all. or at least that's what i think. and i can't believe how easily i can just shut off emotions. man...like what i did to keith, coleman and jo. geez...that's really scary huh? even my mom says i'm cold-hearted. guess i pride myself in that department. not too much i can pride myself on these days anyways.

and oh, have i told you that i ain't good with men?

just came back from perth last night and will be flying to paris tomorrow night. hell...it's gonna be a tiring flight.

perth was all right. it was the shortest australian sector i've ever done and the first time i got saboed (sabotaged) to drink with my flight mates. we arrived in perth in the later part of the afternoon, and had just about an hour till the shops closed. so we went to the nearest woolworth's and got some groceries and then to a place just next to the hotel (which, incidentally, is pretty dingy and down) for dinner. then a couple of other dudes from the same team joined us at the table, one of whom wasn't flying with us but was in perth on another flight. his name's arthur, by the way. so anyways, they were all set to hang out at this one guy's room after dinner, so i just went ahead with the mind of leaving after an hour or so. so a few of them sat down and started playing some card games, with a couple of us just reading the papers and chatting. after a while, a couple of this girl's guy friends joined us in the room and we just started playing indian poker...it's like this game where you don't see your card, and you dare another person an amount of liquor or wine that your card's bigger. i drank quite a bit in that game...haha...but i got the hang of it. then they changed to spinning the bottle...now that was stupid. the tip of the bloody vodka bottle just kept gravitating in my direction! man...the horror! thankfully though, i could give them straight answers to almost everything they asked. then they dared me to kiss this guy (who, i think is old enough to be my dad but is really nice)...man, it took me a long time to decide whether to kiss him or drink the half glass of wine. i just drank the wine in the end...which was what everyone there expected of me...haha. even that guy (arthur) kept saying "she'll drink the wine lah!". when i lamented that i couldn't shuffle cards properly, he said something like "you're really a good girl, aren't you
?" then when they brought food in, he started passing me vegetables...haha...that was hilarious...

so that was my perth adventure...haha...nothing much really. one fine day, i shall tell you guys bout that one time this passenger passed me a serviette...i sure hope he isn't reading this...actually, i really doubt he'll read this.

just came back from contract and public law lectures. sigh...it'll be a long night of rushing assignments for tomorrow's tutorial.

the jakarta flight was fine, discounting the really bad turbulence directly after take-off. the flight time was practically non-existent cuz after the meal service, the captain was like "cabin crew to landing stations". and there we were in jakarta, and back.

it was nice to be back at mediacorp for a while yesterday. there are times when i wish that i was still working there. but life's such...and i'm just glad to be able to keep in contact with the people i know there.

santi (a thai friend i got to know in chicago) wrote to me today. he never fails to remind me (in every mail he's sent) how the song "you've got a friend" reminds him of me. just like jonno, lisiana, beth, liesbet and the rest of those i knew from CNH. liesbet even went as far as to say she'll invite me to sing at her wedding when she does get married. she's even chosen a song...haha.

i've gotten so much positive reinforcement from these people it's hard to believe i don't have anyone to talk to, or hang out with in singapore. lotsa people ask why i'm not dating and such. at first, i felt weird cuz no one was asking me out. right now, after a few dates here and there, i feel really empowered not to be going out with anyone, or being in a relationship. i feel so productive and all...getting things done in a jiff and not having to make time for others, nor having to please (not that i've made a deliberate effort to please).

there was this one guy i had a good feeling about, and thought i might be interested in...but that didn't amount to anything. right now, the feeling's just dissipated. it's sad, but i'm just not the kind to pursue this sorta thing. and i pity anyone who tries to do it to me as well...cuz it's, well...fruitless, most of the time.

i guess DP's one poor dude who knows me well.

am totally chewing on my almonds i brought back from dubai. mom and dad depleted all the cashew nuts, so i'm left with this and the pistachios.

it's been helluva day...so much so that to say "i'm tired" would be an understatement. i'm totally drained.

guess what?! i was on check (known as appraised to most pple) today. was kinda stressed out cuz it's my very first, and it was a short flight so everything was just rush, rush and rush. fortunately, it didn't turn out too bad. i was flying with a great leading and very helpful team.

the fundraising idea has been bugging me for some time now, and i'm comforted by how a few pple have already pledged their help to this project. i mean...i hardly know them, yet...oh well.

carrie wrote me today (someone i knew from my newsradio days), responding to my earlier mail. she said how she'd think of me sometimes, and how i was in training and such. siew joo wrote me too. the weirdest thing was: they both said that the serene they know would be able to achieve much in both her job and her studies. that really boosted my confidence...i guess people just didn't realize how down i was, trying to do both at the same time.

i miss hanging out. not that i hung out that often in the past anyway. my social life has always been the sacrifice...the price i had to pay for achieving such in other areas. not that i mind, but it seems to have caused me to be afraid of going out. outside work, i seem to be such a loner...studying at the library, working out, getting things done. i still remember how guys used to ask me out when i was in poly, and my reflex reponse was to reject. now how the hell did it get that way? and you know what the worst is? that i'm still like that. my instantaneous reaction would be to give a big, fat "no".

this is bad, isn't it? jason said that i seem to have this emotional barrier in front of me, refusing to let others get close to me. i suppose that's my weakness.

so i'm writing cuz i'm bored...big deal.

my entire being's a farce and i don't know why.

life's such a fantasy i ain't able to live it.

i don't want to fall in love.

tell me this isn't happening.

i'm afraid to fall asleep.

please don't let the fear of those nightly rages consume me.

my baby brother sleeps so peaceful.

i want to share your pain.

i'm a stayer.

just kill me now.

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there you have it...the famous quotes of serene lim. enjoy.

regards.