so now you see i'm not that strong, elaine.

i try to be. and i suppose i succeed...masking my emotions outside my room.

but i crumble...

and yes, i guess when the heart's in pain, the head has to take over.

do i have to wait till the heart fails of immense pain before my head can come to life?

when do i stop feeling and start to think?

the bitch shall reign on sunday.

i'm a sick person who's excellent at manipulating and acting.

i'm feeling sad today.

no wait...i'm feeling sad this evening. this morning i was mad.

i'll deal with the "madness" of it all this sunday, when i take to my stage. but the sadness i gotta deal with now...

sigh...i'll spill the beans on the "surprise" since it ain't gonna happen.

last night i came up with this thing about catching him after he gets off work on new year's morning. i had wanted to kiss him. yes i know it's a stupid thought...especially if he gets off work in the wee hours of the morning...but i just suddenly thought of doing it.

then i started contending with pride. it feels that i'm getting way too emotionally involved.

so i smsed him before dinner. i asked what time he'd be getting off work, and he asked why and what i thought of doing. i told him not to question and just tell me. he kept pressing me for a reason and finally relented that he might be doing something then.

problem solved. i didn't need to oppress pride any longer because it was already crushed. when he kept asking me what i had planned, i told him there was no point in telling him anymore cuz it's not gonna happen anyway...

after that i told him to have a good night at work, and said that i had just wanted to kiss him.

bye bye pride.

i can't believe how much pain i'm feeling right now. i must be the biggest loser in the world...sitting alone in my room, blogging...and crying my eyes out on new year's eve.

i feel so lonely right now. so very very lonely.

i 'm not craving for physical companionship...i just feel so utterly empty.

i tried to keep myself from being alone tonight...because i knew it would lead to this. it's the same every holiday. i hate holidays. they always get me so down.

i knew this christmas was unreal.

oh god...i really need a hug right now. i do. help...please don't let me sink back into oblivion...please...don't.

you know what? i suppose i would've taken a cab down in the morning just to give him that one kiss...even if it's the stupidest thing i'll ever do.

i'm a stupid girl. a stupid girl who's home on new year's eve, crying her eyes out and wallowing in self-pity.

pride is the name of the game.

it's a constant struggle of "should i lay down my pride this time" because there are simply no guarantees to a happy ending.

it's like the tango.

when two tango, they move as one. he's forceful, she follows. she radiates sensuality, he takes it all in...it gives him the strength to lead. it's a symbiotic relationship. and time seems to stand still.

after the music ends, they part...until their next tango.

figuring out a faux-relationship is somewhat similar.

each will feel that he's giving more than the other...at the same time thinking that holding back is the best defence against a broken heart.

but as two people move forward in a seeming relationship, no matter how non-existent they make it out to be, is it even possible to "hold back"? wouldn't the acts of giving and sharing each other be a natural progression?

i always thought i could keep it all in. i thought wrong.

one thing that remains constant though - i'm not a subservient being. i will not follow blindly and offer myself to you. i will not be a slave to love.

i am not in love. i may be in like, but am certainly not in love.

jaded as i may be, i'm hopeful enough to want to fall in love someday. but, like i said, love will not enslave me.

i have my pride.

and if, after reading all this, you still do not realize how much i've laid down...

alas. pain.

once again, it's me who needs this relationship to be defined.

what used to happen...i lead people to define our relationship, then leave them cold and dry after they do. how sick can a person get?

don't know if i've evolved somewhat...with this one, i simply can't leave him fending for himself out in this wretched weather. with all that he's been through (whether situational or self-inflicted), i'm not sure if i can let go of this one as easily. obviously, if he were to read this, that male ego of his would be screaming shit at me.

i caught a glimpse of the elusive teddy bear last night. i hugged it and it hugged back. i tried so hard to keep myself from kissing it, but that obviously didn't work. it's eyes got to me...they caved into an instance of vulnerability and fragility. yes, it was just a glimpse, but the bear did cry for help.

i've cried out for help many times...and no one came forward. i've grown jaded, distrusting and believing that i could count on no one but myself for anything at all.

i believe that teddy's living the same belief.

i can empathize. but it doesn't think i can. i fear as much as it fears. but it doesn't think i do.

i've laid down my pride. many times i've gotten so embarrassed i've shrunk back into my shell. i should know better than to lay it all out, but alas, i have.

i care for this being...and everything it stands for. i know it cares for me too.

i have no answers. it refuses to give me any. i don't know how much more of this i can take.

i don't know when, and if, it will lay down its pride for me.

if it doesn't care, it has to tell me now...for i will need time to heal, and forget how much i care.

hable con mi, por favor. por favor.

"don't go where i cannot follow."

see...i did learn something from lord of the rings.

it seemed such an insignificant line, but it certainly stuck. with all the fanfare in the second half of the movie, that one line stuck.

fuck it serene...when did you become such a stickler for such one-liners? when did these words start meaning so much?

don't know. perhaps i'm just this closet hopeless romantic case who's just waiting to be confirmed. then again, i could always write such shit even when i ain't in feel.

i felt frustrated today. i pride myself on being a somewhat productive individual...and having had so little done today just wasn't my style.

but sam did it for me with that line of his. lord of the rings saved the day. otherwise, the day would've ended the way it started - fucked.

so this is my ode to peter jackson: you're my hero. so is sam.

he said "i don't want to let go". reminds me of how i struggled to "let go" of the memory of josh.

please don't let go.

i've been thinking an awful lot about mr beasley.

it speaks of how how fast cars and bling bling don't mean nothing, because she loves him for his personality and soul.

if material items don't come into the picture at all when people fall for each other, then there'd be a lot of happy couples in the world...and hardly talk of break-ups.

let's face it, every domestic or relationship problem probably stems from the same thing - dosh.

sure...everything starts off hunky-dory. you whisper sweet nothings into each other's ears at extremely close proximity, steal kisses under the moonlight by the esplanade waterfront, lie side by side and simply enjoy each other's company.

and just when you think love can conquer all, doubts start to creep in as one party starts to wonder if the other is freeloading because it seems like he/she's always been paying for this or that. "is she using me?" is probably the usual refrain...

and if time equals money, then not spending enough time with her will also mean you don't spend enough on her...meaning you're a freakin stinge-ray.

my friends have always "seen" me with mature, successful, tall and strong...perhaps even caucasian. i don't know what i've done to create that sorta impression.

so naturally, people start questioning my going out with him. then i start questioning myself.

he's a real sweetie...yes, he can be annoying at times, but he has a good heart. in the past couple of weeks, he's shown how affectionate and sensitive he can be. he sorta behaves like he's all that, but it's probably to mask that soft spot within. he could be a huge softie...but male ego prevails and that teddy bear's stifled.

"i'd like to see your eyes through those goggles that you're wearing, don't try to hide away."

i see so much pain in him sometimes...he probably doesn't realize it but i do. to know of the pain and not be able to hear of it is, perhaps, as painful as the pain itself.

as the new year draws nearer, i'm ashamed to find myself thinking if he'd be part of the new equation.

i feel guilty telling people how he and i could never fit together because we're too different.

i just wish...he'd give me something more to work on...to show me that we really aren't that different.

i'm falling for him, and i don't even realize it.

corrinne may is awesome.

watching her enrapture the 200-strong crowd with her soulful pipes was almost surreal...especially with all the mist and minor echo.

several songs that stuck: "safe in a crazy world" and "little superhero girl"...the latter being as upbeat as "mr beasley". coolness i say.

poor fella had some digestion problems today. it probably really got to him cuz he wasn't really himself. only thing i could offer was prune juice...and a good night kiss.

don't think he liked the book i gave him...he laughed a bit, but it was sorta patronizing.

stop it serene.

there is something special at christmas time this year...

i received the card he sent out yesterday. i smiled as i saw his writing on the envelope. i resisted the temptation to simply yank the card out of it and carefully slit the fold. as i opened the card, i was greeted with a cheery "hello my dear!!!".

i guess he was right. it sure is better to receive the card in the mail. i should've known...since i've always loved mail.

i remember how my classmate and i used to secretly exchange letters...we'd write pages and slip it under each other's desk before the other arrived. no one else knew of the exchange. we learnt so much about each other sometimes we'd laugh hard at a joke just because we both shared a private thingee. the most beautiful thing about our interaction was that it was purely platonic.

mail's good.

merry christmas serene.

i felt so judged this morning.

i don't usually care about such things but it really hurts when someone gives you the "you are cheap" look...even if you know you haven't done anything wrong at all.

i remember from eons ago i used to go to jo's place, and sometimes, even spend the night there. we'd play board games and spar intellect through the night (his friends and i), and i'd head home in the morning, when buses start coming around. as i enter my home, she'd give me the exact same look she gave me this morning. she actually said "what's happened to you? when did you become so cheap?" (or something to that extent in mandarin)

if people who know me hear of the above, they'd probably laugh it off and say "serene? no way...she's way too straight for that kinda shit". they're right. i have my fun...but i've got my limits as well.

i can't stand being judged.

on the flip side, i went laptop shopping with the bosses today...and we got a benq. pretty cool...and it kinda resembles a mac. my kinda comp...

mark and angus think i'm an angel...haha...that i'm really naive and sweet. we'll see about that in time to come...haha.

chestnuts was a hoot! dang...jon was hilarious, as usual. they never fail to come up with current and interesting material...

i'm lovin' it.

so here i am, making up for the lack of drivel from the past five days.

just finished watching "the road home" on axn. truly touching and inspiring. love conquers all. love at first sight. whatever.

the chalet was a good getaway from life for a bit...even if we were just stuck in changi most of the time. i've never thought of the beach, or sea, or waves as soothing, or even romantic, that is, until the chalet.

trying to picture the scene and feel the feel simply isn't enough. you have to be there to really feel it.

i'd walk down the little path from the chalet to the beachfront while everyone was doing their thang. it'd be late and no one would notice i was gone. i'd stand in front of the drop-off and stare out into blackness, the only indication of any water in front of me being the sound of the waves crashing against the rocks at high tide.

gradually, someone would realize i ain't around, and would come out looking for me.

then it hit me. people care enough to realize i'm not always around. people ain't that bad. people change for the better. and there's nothing wrong with that.

i wonder if people feel how much i care because compared to them, i never seem to care enough...or at least, i don't think i do. i mean...i already have issues with feeling.

so is what i'm feeling now real? or am i feeling so because i keep telling myself I HAVE TO FEEL? sigh...a constant jekyll and hyde conflict.

i believe people do think i'm genuine. that's how i got to know so many and landed myself the job in the first place. i believe they think i care. i believe they think i'm real.

i guess i just gotta believe in myself a little more. i have to let people in...let them feel me...and let them love me.

scouting has grounded me in more ways than one. in the group, the people are real. i get bitch-slapped for any wrongdoing...no holds barred. i like that. and as much as they think they aren't fancy or anything like that, i believe (in many ways), that we share witty repartes much better than the fake society has ever known...though half the time i'd be trying to figure out what they're saying when they speak in hokkien/teochew/whatever that's not english or mandarin.

thank you for being nice to the girl in the corner. thank you for lending her your shirt...your hand...your gaze...your silly grin. thank you for feeling for her (or is she just being terribly presumptious) and giving her a chance to feel that certain way.

you know who you are.

today was a happy and relatively carefree day.

went with aunt and peter to get a new handphone this morning, then headed home for a bit before meeting up with peter, rachel and ray in the evening to head to bubba's place.

it was a nice feel...going there. saw many of the holy innocent's gang, spoke to bubba's bro and mom as well. fun.

then peter sent ray to work and let us off there as well. rachel and i just walked down the stretch, down to cineleisure, and then headed back home. talked to bubba and the gang for a bit there before we left though. funny buncha kids.

sigh...this is truly a narrative of the day. have i lost my touch just because i've attained some sort of happiness?

or is it because i'm simply too tired to blog? (i've been awake since 5am this morning...don't ask.)

oh yeah. i made my hair brown.

today's training saw a change of scene.

mark decided that the meeting room was way too cold, and (in view of my fleece sweater and sniffling nose) had suggested we talk at a cafe instead.

so down we walked towards one fullerton and settled at this open-air space. the server came by and took our drink orders. then she came back with our drinks...and some brownies. she stood by the table a little awkwardly, and said that the cake was on the house and that they only gave it to certain customers. when mark asked whey she gave it to us, she looked at me and said "because you are very pretty, that's why we gave it to you". mark and i looked at each other, laughed and he said "boy am i glad i'm with you then!" mark also tried mom's tiramisu and said it was really good...

i got the letter of offer today...looks good...will probably take it.

met aunt for a little shopping today (though she didn't get much done anyways). we talked about the boys...including HIM. and she said the bkk trip confirmed her "suspicions". said he was pretty anxious about calling back to sin but couldn't get a phonecard so he was making a lotta noise. oh well.

he wants to meet up tomorrow to go grab aunt's handphone as well...crazy ass.

all i want for christmas...

the daily (if not nightly) blogging starts now.

just as i've promised, i'll write every night should this go through...and it has!!!

so now, i've gotta make good on my promises to hug and kiss everyone around me, and tell of how hard work and diligence takes the cake.

mark and angus called me right after the pitch today and the first thing mark said was "serene, we'd like to offer you a position at hong bao media". and i'm, like, "what?!" so they said that the client heard the sample recording and was very pleased with it...and that the product was sold within the first 15 minutes of the pitch. the main man even asked if the presenter was lynette tai!! geez...

then i tell mom, dad, bro and tried to call aunt but she unhooked her phone. then when ray didn't pick up, i called bubba.

it's a happy day for the both of us...he's outta the army and i got my job...yay!!

am heading down to JB this sunday for some eats...should be fun. when i asked ray why he was going when he was working the previous night. and he's like "if you're going, then i'm going too..." oh well.

hugs and kisses coming your way.

oddness.

my gut tells me i'm losing interest.

this comes on the back of all those "i miss you(s)" and "wish you were here" shit exchanged over the weekend and beyond.

shit...this doesn't bode well.

that red light is constantly nagging at me, threatening to go off should he get too close.

i know i've just written, but i've simply got to blog on something i chanced upon.

blogs ago, i wrote on how this 18-year-old told of how ready he is for a relationship and that he wants to fall in love. i also wrote of how i admire his honesty and romanticism.

a month ago, this person shared something with me - a webpage his girlfriend of two months did to commemorate their anniversary.

now, truth be told, i thought it to be rather corny... don't get me wrong. it wasn't the idea of the webpage that was corny, but the notion of celebrating an anniversary every month. i guess the webpage itself also had something to do with how i felt.

it was simple enough - a couple of pictures here and there and a short stanza of blog. such pages would normally warrant no more than one glance from me, but i don't know why i keep heading back to that page when i feel down.

like i said, it was a simple page and if i wasn't in the relationship, i wouldn't feel shit. i guess there was just something about it...it could be mr beasley, or how the images seem to piece together so perfectly. i found a link from that page today.

it was totally unintentional. i wasn't expecting to find something. now that i have, i feel like i've intruded into a couple's private space.

but as guilty as i feel for having stumbled upon those writings, my heart warmed up as i scanned through the contents...accompanied by colin raye's "in this life". i smiled a whole lot while reading. then i found another link from that page. reading on, i realized a tear rolling down my right cheek and into the corner of my mouth.

i shall not reveal the contents of those pages. however, i'd like to say how those pages have made me realize the deep affection these two have for each other, and that their relationship is truly unique to their peer group. they do share (in their own words) "a deep connection".

jaded as i may be, these two have somehow penetrated my emotional shield.

i can only wish i'd be able to forge such a connection with another someday.

i wish you both the very best.

i sincerely hope that you two will grow old together.

i can't even think of a word to describe how today went.

we headed down to aunt's place at about seven this morning cuz i had to print out my letter on terence's computer. he just waited for us to get things done so we could get going to the airport.

so there we were, sitting on the couch...me, waiting for terence to leave so i could use his computer, and he, simply stoning. after using the comp and waiting for time to pass so we could be on our way, i headed back down to the couch. what he did then kinda stunned me.

he hugged me and rested his chin on my shoulder (i know...this has no shock value...but wait...). then as my aunt came over to hurry us, i tried to wriggle outta his arms but he wouldn't let me. so there she was, standing right in front of us, telling us to get off our butts and he looked up at her with his face all shriveled up, hugged me tighter, buried his face in my neck and mumbled "can i meet you guys there tomorrow?" then aunt laughs and walks away.

huh?!!!

as we got into the cab, aunt offered to sit in front. geez...(i felt so bad...)

so we sat behind. he held my hand. then he got sick of that position and got back to putting his arms around me. as we neared STC and i pulled out my staff pass, he tried to glimpse it but i wouldn't let him. then as i firmly declined to let him view the pass, he pulled his arms away and folded them...giving me this faux-angry look (as if i care). so i turned away from him and looked out the window. after a couple more minutes, he decided to hold my hand again...haha...geez.

so anyways, the whole gang is off in bangkok now having fun...drinking tom yam soup...and what-nots.

hmm...so what else is new?

oh...i'm done. with my job, i mean.

and hmm...i guess today went SLOW.

today's IT.

i never thought this day would come so soon. soon, i shall lick my lips and relish the taste of pure...nothingness.

i can't believe how easy it was to finally put my foot down and say "that's enough".

as promised, i shall write every night.

even if it's a one-liner.

it's s'wonderful...s'marvellous...

he had obviously no intention of concealing their "relationship" any longer.

though they had respected the people around them enough to keep their hands to themselves for most of the day, his subtle gestures were proof enough of his underlying affection.

early that morning, they had sent some charges to camp. while in the van, he had, at times, kept his hand on her knee, simply to prevent her from lunging forward when the van jerked.

later, while taking the train back to the north (together with her aunt who had dozed off), he kept staring at the magazine she was reading, suddenly wondering out loud if the US general elections were to be held soon. she looked at him, obviously impressed that he knew that fact. as they went on, he lifted his arm and pulled her arm under his. he held her hand as they both continued reading the magazine.

about five stops away from their destination (they were heading for a movie while her aunt was heading home), she suddenly looked up...and saw her uncle standing right in front of her. she grinned sheepishly at him, then nudged HIM in the ribs, telling him that the man standing in front of them is her uncle. he lifted his arm a little, seemingly to let her remove hers, but she kept it there. she talked to her uncle for a bit, then attempted to wake her aunt with THAT hand.

she heaved a sigh of relief as they disembarked. the awkwardness was over.

the aunt went home, and the two of them went to the movie. it was mediocre...but he had become more affectionate then. after the flick, they walked out of the theater and into the moist air, brought about by the rain that was raging while they were still inside. as they stood at the landing, wondering how to get home, he put his arm around her waist and pulled her close. how cliche: there they were, sheltered from the rain, with his arm around her. she kissed him on the cheek and led him by the hand to the bus interchange. no words were spoken.

on the bus home, he kept his arms around her the whole time, and rested his chin on her shoulder. as she turned her head to face him, he rubbed her nose with his, and grinned. he kissed her goodbye, then got off the bus.

as they both walked to their respective homes, something stirred in both of them.

there was no denying it...it was becoming a relationship.

just as i was about to chill on the spread and read TIME, my darling mac lit up, and on was my blog spot. so here i am again...but i'm gonna be using a different tone this time around.

just half an hour after tom's phone interview, mark called me. i guess he was trying to allay my fears. he's an amazing man, that mark... first he asked how i was and totally empathised with how i felt cuz of the horrid and bitchy remarks i got that day on flight. his sister-in-law used to be in the business as well...haha. then he went on about how i shouldn't be too stressed out about the session earlier because he had called tom, and found out what transpired between us then.

the one thing he said that touched me the most was that he felt a certain responsibility towards me, because he knew how much potential i had, and that it wouldn't take a lot for me to realize that full potential. so he said he's gonna pay for my financial markets training course, as well as arrange for a half-day presentation skills training session with me. he said that technically, i've already been chosen and would most probably be hired, but in the event that i'm not, he'd want me to go away from this enriched, and having learnt something.

another thing which totally shocked me was that apart from all this goodwill, he said that my bond amount would be made part of my contract, and that they would buy me out!

okay...i know this kinda thing happens a lot...but i'm a total nobody! and to have someone believe in you that much, i gotta admit it's kinda stressful. but it's an esteem-booster as well...

by the way, he said that what both tom and him so liked about me was my honesty. mark also said that with the proper training, my voicing skills would go from the current (say 65%) to about 90% in a matter of weeks...dang... thing is: he keeps emphasizing that i shouldn't thank him, because he's just being totally honest with me, nothing more. geez...

relief.

stutter, stutter, stutter...that's rene for you.

bubba asked, "what happened to the calm and collected serene?"

and i'm like, "the calm and collected serene got flushed down the toilet bowl."

i hate phone conversations with people i haven't met face-to-face. i got increasingly nervous as i spoke to him and rambled my way through the interview. and believe me...it really was an interview. it couldn't even be passed off as a conversation.

"tell me more about yourself" - like, how the hell was i supposed to answer that? couldn't he at least be more specific?

the last question was: "why should we hire you?"

I HATE ANSWERING SUCH QUESTIONS!!! i can never answer that...how the hell are you supposed to sell yourself without sounding cocky?!

aarrggghhh!!!! the stress!!!!

i like.

i can't believe how long i've been lying in bed...now this is what i call lethargy.

i have to prepare for flight in half an hour.

boring.

last night i spoke to bubba. he told me something really funny...

peter had told bubba that he wanted to ask me out on the night of the 7th. bubba laughed, and asked if he were to do that, then where would that put HIM? and peter says there shouldn't be a problem, cuz HIM and i were just on talking terms, nothing more.

so i guess when he saw HIM and i sitting close at the back of the van, it struck him that we were, indeed, more than just "on talking terms".

but sure, i'll still hang with bubba and peter on the 7th.

music soothes the savage beast.

music, apparently, also cures the running nose.

as soon as the band started playing, my nose stopped drippin. and i didn't realize it until KT mentioned it over a bowl of soup at mixed cuisine.

the best thing about the jazz set was how it managed to turn me from sad little girl to sad-but-still-able-to-smile little girl. i guess this is the part of my life when my happiness has reached a plateau and has decided to come crashing down.

i stood atop the esplanade...at its roof terrace, with my aunt and KT. as much as i appreciated their company, i somehow wished i were alone then.

if i were alone, my tears could just roll down with wild abandon, and i'd be reminded of how i need to be independent of emotions and feelings of any sort in order to succeed; that i need not fear getting hurt because no one would have the power to hurt me.

i guess i just really need a good cry. trouble is: i'd get shit reporting for flight tomorrow with puffy eyes.

I HATE CRYING.

i shouldn't be too disappointed. after all, i kinda expected it, didn't i?

it wasn't like i was being stood up while i was out again. imagine someone saying "so sorry, i just woke up. think it's too late to catch a movie".

honey, you'd be wrong to assume i was dissin' you because of a stupid movie.

i asked you out simply because i know i wouldn't be seeing you in the next couple of weeks...and thought to tell you that today.

you know what? i suddenly realized why i feel so down.

i had kinda planned my day around this meeting...and had wanted to tell you what mark said when he called earlier when i was to meet you later.

how can people expect me to fucking feel and get on with life all smiling and happy when this keeps happening?

and i'm not just dissing you. you just happen to be the latest in line.

poor you.

was going to write about jo when dad chased me outta my room and into the car. we had to go pick mom up from the airport. now that those thoughts have dissipated, it's useless to try to remember them.

mark just told me i'll be speaking to tom murrell this friday at 2pm. he's gonna call me from perth.

just reading that sms sent a spike of adrenaline down to my very core. the after-effect? jitters.

just as i'm recovering from my chest pains, my mom seems to have passed me her flu. so here i am...typing away with a nose that's drippin'.

think i gotta lie down some.

i believe today has been the best rest day ever, because i was forced to rest.

the good doctor gave me two days off...and i'm so taking it. i don't think i've slept like i have today in months. even when i had night flights, i couldn't sleep in the day like i've done today.

you know what? i had this sudden urge to combine everything i've written so far, and write a musical. you know...just to take all my writing and see where that takes me.

sigh...i've got so many ideas it's hard to keep track. let's work on the movie marathon first.

better yet...let's work on getting me outta this rut.

she awoke with a start at 0230hrs. it was barely an hour before that she fell asleep.

this time, it wasn't a nightrage but something very real. as she took a deep breath, she clutched her chest as if it were going to split open any second. so started the morning of controlled breathing and minimum rest. she HAD to call in sick.

it wasn't that many hours ago that she was doing good...laughing and singing at the back of a van with her mates. he had kissed her then.

wait...could the pain be a foreboding signal? after all, she hadn't felt such misery caused by physical pain in quite a while. was it coming to her because she had too much fun the night before?

it couldn't have been the fun...for she swears she'd had more fun than that.

was it because he'd hugged her so tight? then kissed her goodnight?

she went to the doctor's. he felt about her rib cage and she gasped as he gently applied pressure just below her sternum.

he said she's suffering from an acute muscle strain, wrote her a two-day medical certificate, and sent her on her way.

she breathed a sigh of relief.

"serene is an angel"...boy 1

"if i could give you a scout name, i'd name you 'angel heart'"...bubba

"serene! i passed! i passed!"...boy 2

"you are like a big sister to me"...jas

"i love you serene"...cole

"if i were your father, i'd be very very proud of you"...andre

and...

"serene, a good friend is like a million dollars. you only need one of such in your lifetime to make life worthwhile. you can be a million dollars to a lot of people, serene. just try to open up your heart a little, and let people in"...wayne

Security.

she sat down, tugged at her skirt and blinked her eyes, trying to keep awake. he, seated next to her, was clutching onto his backpack like there was a million bucks in it.

he had asked her out for a movie; a horror flick. she hadn't seen one in ages. she wasn't scared at the impending "strike of fear" because she's the kinda girl who'll usually scoff at horror flicks, and laugh at the scariest parts.

as the screen began to flicker, she felt compelled to put her arm through his...and she did. resting her head on his shoulder, she felt somewhat awkward, that is, until he leant back and held her hand. towards the seemingly more chilling parts of the movie, he held her hand tight...at times even bringing it up to his lips.

movie ends. they walk out into the moist, warm air. she could tell the air was moist, because when he took her hand, it felt moist...and warm.

and so it goes for the rest of the evening. he held her hand, as he had said he would before. then they parted ways, with nary a farewell. he headed for work and she, back to where she came from.

as she strode to her transport, she took in everything she saw around - men wrapping their arms possessively around their girlfriends, parents trying to pacify their kids in strollers, girl friends talking loudly as if trying to talk to people 10 feet away.

she smiled to herself. in that one instant, she felt happy. sure, she was fatigued and mentally asleep. but somewhere deep down, she felt good.

she smiled because it was a perfect day.

so perfect that it should never have been.

The lack of it.

has our dear protagonist lost sight of everything?

what happened to the "i'll never feel again" stance she swore to abide by?

rest assured, dear readers, that our girl hasn't lost her way. she's simply decided to let loose a little and have some fun.

she thinks that she should at least let this person feel for her, and not slap him in the face (as she's always done with others who tried) at first instance.

she may hold his hand, kiss his cheek, let him hold her like he's never going to again...but she sure as hell ain't gonna be feeling too much for this guy.

moral of the story: words sting. and the worst part of it is: they can't be taken back.

so there'd better be some major damage control/recovery, or there's gonna be one less female in this world to talk and cuddle up to.

we see the dawning of a new era.

pan right...no, left. zoom in on two people who seem to care less about each other. their body language says it all - she's sitting cross-legged, facing away from him, and he's staring at the stage, sometimes busying himself with his handphone.

tilt down. her left hand and his right are so close that it seems the only thing separating the two joints is an invisible slice of paper.

zoom in on their hands. the invisible slice seems to vanish, and a magnetic force seems to be pulling the two hands together slowly, but surely. he edges his index finger towards her hand, rests it on hers. the screen seems to freeze, and she finally decides to respond. she moves her fingers...he turns her hand and slips his fingers through hers.

tilt back up and zoom out. their body language remains the same - nonchalant, cold, unfeeling.

if this goes through, i'll forever go with the theory of "hard work and willingness to learn shall triumph".

if this goes through, i'll be able to sell that theory to the people i so care about.

if this goes through, i'll hold a big celebration and hug and kiss everyone around me.

and i'll write every night.

so please let it be.

today was all about work. am just glad it was just a turnaround and not a freakin long flight. am glad that all my flights till the end of the roster are pretty reasonable...short and sweet.

guess what? of late, when i see HIM, i feel my blood bubbling...then i simply just refuse to look anymore. he's no longer that certain someone i thought was fun to hang out with like that. now that's a good feeling. i mean, i still care for him, but not the way others who know about us would expect me to.

today was extremely unproductive.

am so pissed at myself that i can't even bring myself to replay the whole evening in my head again.

you know those times when you feel like your day has been totally unproductive but because you spent time with someone you liked, the day wasn't a total waste? today wasn't one of those days. in fact, i think i had more fun at work than after it...

i can't believe how i spent my off-day...especially with it being a sunday.

went to a church funfair this morn with the buncha guys, went back to school to do some stuff, played some ultimate, b-ball and such. read some notes on the SGX...blar blar, then spent the rest of the day trying to find somewhere to bowl, ending up at the civil service club discussing the bowling shit with one of the veterans. we spent almost three hours just sitting at the cafeteria...yapping. then we left for east coast to bowl, cuz the bowling alley at the civil service club was totally crowded. they bowled, i watched and read ray's notes. then i realized he left the cam in the scout's den...and uh...after i reached home, i realized i left my resume in his file...dang.

on the way to dinner at toa payoh from east coast, was yet again at the back of the van with him. it was quite funny...cuz we've been traveling around the whole day, most of the time with me sitting in front, and after we left the civil service club, my aunt asked peter to sit in front with her. so i sat with him at the back. on the way to dinner, he "positioned" me in such a way that he could wrap his arm around me...so i just let him. just sat there like that with his arm around me, and i was feeling nothing...well, sorta. then in the spirit of comfort and "fun", we got more comfortable with each other. so there we were...arm around me all the way to toa payoh. then again...from toa payoh to hougang (where we dropped peter off), he had his arm around me. i could've sworn that KT saw something cuz he looked back suddenly and we were seated at an angle he could've clearly seen what was going on behind there.

oh well. am tired. can't think no more. good night...haha...today's buzz-phrase: "divine help".

so this is fatigue.

my head's heavy from simply being up for way too long. brain's dead from the same ol'.

learnt as well that one of my poly-mates has passed on. read about it this afternoon, after he was cremated. no one knows for sure what happened to sam. a couple think it was suicide. my mind's simply too numb to feel right now. but yes, i am sad. i don't know the guy, didn't care to know him then...but still...to hear that one of my peers is gone is frighteningly sobering.

sometime after we touched down in manila last night and before we left for the airport this morning, two gunmen took over the control tower of ninoy aquino. fortunately, we were able to leave just slightly later than scheduled...cuz the two were shot... the violence...

was writing some in manila...ramsay said he was quite scared of me when we first hung out. but after he saw through "the shell", he felt more comfortable and says he feels happy whenever we hang out...that's why he keeps asking me out (and i keep finding excuses to say no...).

my head's too fucked...i gotta stop now.

being at home today, i realized one thing: i've truly regrouped and lost the sense to feel.

yesterday, after meeting up with mark and angus to discuss a possible position, i met up with bubba. and he kept asking if HE messaged me that day. i said nopes...then went on babbling about something else. bubba stopped me and asked if i really was okay...and i was, like, "what's there to be un-okay about?". do these people see something i don't, cuz i really don't care about HIM like that anymore. in fact, no matter how i view the situation we're in, we seem to be stuck in faux-relationship purgatory. i say "faux" because there was never one to begin with.

i realized how much i've managed to get done in the past couple of days. it seems like i'm having this renewed focus and driving force...knowing how possible it is for me to attain something.

yesterday (i've told many this already), i wore a suit to the meeting with mark and angus. it was the first time i wore it...and the first in a very long time i've dressed like that. i won't deny that it felt extremely good. i felt empowered as a woman...to be walking down the strip in my power-suit, taking long strides with my head held high and half-smiling to myself. it's like...the crowd parted for me or something...haha...nothing could stand in my way yesterday.

so that's how it feels like...and that's how i feel now. nothing else matters. well, except for some of our scouting matters.

and during dinner last night with aunt and rachel, they told me something that made my jaw drop. they said that when they walk with me along the streets, people do turn to look at me. and i'm like "what the f...?!" aunt said she didn't know what it was...perhaps it's the way i "carried" myself...i don't know. gag...

and it hit me this afternoon...i finally knew how it felt like to want to be with someone. it might have been for an instant, but i did get to feel it. that was the first bloody time. it was painful...i remember how angry, hurt and disappointed i felt...bottomline is that i managed to FEEL. so i guess all's not lost.

i'm glad i managed to experience that...even though nothing good ever came outta it. no wait...i came outta it.

looking back at how i was in primary school, you would never think i'd turn out to be like this...not that i've gotten rid of that inferior complex.

i remember this one time when i asked my mom if all non-goodlooking girls will grow up to look beautiful. i remember she said that they most probably will.

such inane questions...yet so much insight as a little one.

in secondary school, i rose to become one of the more well-known (read: popular) faces around. i bore a neverending stream of committments and people respected me somewhat...whatever people respected you for in secondary school i don't know. i guess at that time, it did feel good to be thought of as THE ONE.

then in mass comm, i started off just fine...working off the steam leftover from secondary school, except that i was more wary of people, having found myself just a few months earlier. after a few knock-downs, i just couldn't be bothered anymore. i went about my work, choosing to focus on getting good grades and working towards that one goal. interpersonal relations didn't matter to me. i mean...i wasn't a bitch, but i wasn't lil' miss sunshine either. i became labeled as "unapproachable". well, at least the people who've worked with me called me "independant" and "focused" rather than a plain and simple "bitchy".

so i leave poly, and my focus wavers for a bit because my goal turned out to be THAT unachievable. i retreated even more as i realized how unattainable that goal seemed to be.

i got my ears pierced yesterday...but that wasn't the denuemont of the day.

rather, it was saying the things i've always thought about out loud, and actually letting them sink in.

was out with rachel the whole day...just hanging and talking. of course, there's the usual male-bashing but that wasn't the IT (c'mon guys, you don't expect it all to be about you, do you?). the whole day was about us feeling good as girls, and how it's a blessing to be women. it was about empowerment, and of how despite being rated secondary by the patriachy, we've managed to work with our place in society, and rise above the shit the patriachal order expects us to fall from.

men are simple creatures. women, though often generalized as confused, complicated and emotional beings, are more often that not, as simple-minded as men...of course, you've gotta strip them down to nothingness to be able to observe that. at the end of the day, both species want the same thing.

i told rachel that most women let emotion get the better of them, and that's the part men don't get. arguments are mere "bleeps" in their lives...they don't ponder over it like women do. women get paranoid, lose sleep and cry over things like that. when quarrels happen, women think "shit...does this mean it's over? does he not want me anymore? i don't know what i'll do if he stops wanting me...", while men, on the other hand, would think of it as a meaningless tiff. the trouble sets in when both species refuse to even try to understand each other...because both are too stubborn and have too much pride.

pride gets in the way of a hell lotta things. people refuse to act on their feelings, or stand by their words because PRIDE's the name of the whole game. i've taken to equate PRIDE to BEING ON GUARD of late. quite recently, i tried setting aside some of my pride to make something work, and when that came crashing down on me, i got sorely disappointed and somewhat hurt. so the moral of the story is: trust your instincts. if you think it ain't gonna happen, it probably won't.

tell the people who try to turn you to fuck off.

a mass mail i sent out friday...

my week of leave has effectively come to a crashing end.

so it is not with a heightened sense of well-being that i return to work with, but with a heavy heart and a constant struggle to tell myself to just "fuck it" and move on or to stay and see everything through.

the details aren't important. what is...is that i've allowed such things to get to me, when they used to be mere flies i just swat off. people have told me how nice it is to see the change - moving on from that jaded mess with no feel, to someone who's sharing somewhat.

just a few days ago, i was telling this one person that i don't want to feel. feeling is such a bane and i lose my focus if i start feeling. but he's convinced me that it's a good thing...to feel. i guess that's when i started letting my guard down a little. then, guess what? same thing happens...vicious cycle repeats itself...

i spent the last night, feeling extremely angry with myself, and sparring internally. it was the usual "fuck it serene...what's the point...these people aren't worth it". but i guess deep down, i know they are...that's why i was trying to bring out that best in them. i just hope that they wouldn't keep taking advantage of me that way.

i sense myself turning back into that jaded mess. will someone kindly pull me aside and slap me before i reach the point of no return?

to the people who haven't seen me the way i was in poly: please forgive my impending actions and attitude. i'm regrouping...and that means feelings will not be meaning anything to me anymore. i've tried to change that...but i guess i've been driven to such a point where i've decided this is the best way to do things.

serene: smile and tell the world to screw it...no one matters that much. you've only got two hands...there's only so much you can do. tell the rest to just fuck it.

thing is: i can't.

an entry from lainey's blog, supposedly inspired by me. then again, we've kinda led such parallel lives when it comes to the subject matter...

"it seems that this is the classic move of guys this days. i mean, i got out of the dating scene and got into a full-time relationship for two years. and this is the classic move that has besieged me and my girlfriends of late.

1) guy expresses interest
2) girl responds favourably
3) guy adores girl
4) girl wants to take things slow.
5) guy wants a commited relationship.
6) guy promises girl the world.
7) girl relents.
8) girl feels adored.
9) guy tells girl, "let's just hang out and have fun".
10) girl goes "what the fuck???" but has no other fucking option.

i don't want to be some male-basher, but what the fuck is going on and what the hell do you guys want? leg warmers to prevent blardy cold-feet???? go back to the eighties man."

perhaps i should change my blog title to catharsis...as inspired by lainey. after all, writing is my outlet. but, like lainey, my writing seems to jinx everything.

just one week after my previous entry...here i am, all fucked up yet still going. i mean, no one needs to tell me to pick myself up and stay strong...cuz i know i'm capable of it; that no matter how much of rock bottom i seem to be at, i'd still be able to go about with my life. so you asses: don't, for even one second, think i'm to be messed with.

i've regrouped. so i guess i've failed myself to some extent. i haven't been able to keep caring...or stay on my "changed" track. i'm back to the "screw you all" stage, and completely devoid of all feeling. of course, i can still act some, and tell you what you want to hear...behave like i'm the only one who understands. fuck it serene.

i want to sleep...let the darkness engulf me...take me as a whole for once. at least night rages won't be able to consume me if i were to fall into deep slumber.

it's a wonder how close proximity can lead two people to do certain things.

it's like, a force so great that can even belittle the like-pole theory...in the physical sense, at least.

i mean...we were in the gallery, and right under everyone's noses, he put his hand on my knee...left it there. i, of course, had to have zilch expression so as not to give it away.

geez.

People talk. To me. Some of them get so comfortable they spill life's trials and tribulations in the short period of time we spend together.

Then there are those who don't. Talk, I mean. And I know I should be glad they don't pour everything out to me, but I guess I'm just a little unnerved by it all. I realize these people probably care too much to unload their emotional baggage on someone who's already hunched from the load on her back.

I simply can't remember when this whole "talk to serene" thing started, or how it "got about". It does seem like Cole brought out the shrink in me, with our constant intellectual sparring and me trying to get him to think out of the box. Then there were my few babies in CNH, Summer 2001. We stood by each other...cried in each others' arms. Coming back to Singapore, as freaked and wary as I was about the world, I still managed to let my guard down enough for people to talk to me. Thing is: I don't get them to talk. They just do.

On my most recent London trip, I did expect to be bonding with my team girls. I ended up spending time in the room of one of them, listening to how she grew up and all. Then came the tears. Now that's another thing. Tears. It's dawned on me quite recently that when people speak to me, they usually end up crying at some point. And I do feel bad about that. Sometimes I try to force the tears out just to make them feel less alone, but most times, it doesn't work that way.

My only outlet, to this day, is my writing and sharing little bits of myself with the people who speak to me. I don't narrate my life story, but I do tell whatever's relevant to their situation and the conclusion of it. Geez...I do sound like a freakin' 50-year-old.

Ms Kuan just sent me an sms this afternoon...asking if Cole fancies me. I smiled to myself as I read that, at the same time wondering where the hell she got that idea from. She said VIBES. And VIBES seem to be what's getting everyone talking about HIM and I. Oh well, we'll see where those VIBES take us...

i'm all dressed up and ready to go on flight.

yes, the nails, make-up and red lipstick are on. plaster on the smile that's characteristic of the uniform as well, except that it isn't plastered...

thank god i'll be back tmrw and have the weekend off.

i'm sitting in the darkness
looking out at sea
wondering if there were
ever a chance for us to be

we're from two separate worlds
as two could never be more different
you've got your ways
i've got...my words.

yet the strangest thing is
i'm drawn to you

then again...

look behind your own soul
and the person that you see
just might remind you of me...

i laugh, i love, i hope, i try
i hurt, i need, i fear, i cry
and i hope you feel the same things too

so we're really not that different
me and you.

tal vez - perhaps.

tal vez...pero yo quiero un amor perfecto
mi corazon es muy triste.

Perhaps...because I want the perfect love
My heart is very sad.

the above ain't lyrics of a song...but the term "tal vez" did stem from ricky martin's new hit of the same name. before i even checked out the meaning of "tal vez" in the dictionary, the song seemed to call out to me..."perhaps if i had done this...or that, perhaps if i had acted on my feelings...perhaps". when i did find out the meaning of "tal vez", i got a total shock because i had been able to read the meaning of the song through the feelings emoted by the words and music.

as i heard the song for the first time, my mind just filled with mental images of days past. i wrote the two lines above in spanish, and not english, simply because spanish (stemming from latin) is the language of love. wait...i'm so cringing as i type out the letters "L-O-V-E". many a time i've wondered how i could write so eloquently about the four-letter word, yet never have had experienced it before (in the romantic sense, that is).

perhaps...when i do meet THE ONE, i'd stop writing such angst-filled words. though words are really all i have.

perhaps...i've been pushing love away in order to keep these words.

despues de todo, no soy nada sin estas palabras.

after all, i'm nothing without these words.

i just awoke from this odd dream. deja vu yet again. all my freakin recurring dreams are night rages ('cept this happened in the day)...ending in me suddenly getting up, realizing i've been bawling my eyes out. i also feel really sad after these dreams and get extremely thirsty (duh, probably from the loss of water).

i was thrown smack in the middle of this seemingly welcoming family. then everything started to turn on me...my faux brothers and sisters plotted to throw me out, and no one else in the family would believe whatever i was telling them. that's the gist of it all.

the image that's clearest in my mind is when i approached "my room" in that house, i simply couldn't walk in. instead, i turned away, crouched by the stairwell and cried...the sorta cry that renders you breathless and speechless...and i just couldn't stop. then i woke up, and found my mom's pillow drenched with tears and me having tight knot in my chest.

london's such a wonderous place to be in...this, in spite of how snobbish some of those racist asses can be. pple there can be pretty self-centered, but i guess it's a city thing.

while on the tube one day, i gave up my seat in a crowded carriage to a little boy traveling with his parents. and while it was only for a stop before he got off, his parents were extremely grateful, and i, in return, got a loadful of stares from other passengers. why? was it such a rare sight to see someone giving up his/her seat? or was it just odd to see a chinese girl being sensible and thoughtful to a brit?

i've only started sharing my blog with others recently. never thought of doing that for the fear of some pple realizing that the blog's about them. but it's all a'ight.

this young chap told me yesterday that he wouldn't mind committment...he's 18. that totally shamed me for a bit. how could this guy, who's four years younger than me, decide that he's ready for that kinda committment, while i, at 22, get totally ruffled at the thought of a monogamous and serious relationship? sure, there are times when i wish there were someone who'd work my mind to infinity and to share my drivel with. then there are those times when friends who are attached remind me how cool it is to be single and seemingly unavailable. wait...lemme erase the word "seemingly". there.

i just can't stand the "huh? no boyfriend? sure or not?" phrase. i really don't understand why everyone has to say that...is it supposed to be a compliment (as in, you're such a great person why don't you have a significant other) or sarcasm (i can already picture those pple holding a capital L to their foreheads)? every time i hang out with crew outstation, the topic of "boyfriends" would definitely come up in the conversation. and it seems that pple have skipped the "do you have a boyfriend" question and jumped straight to "does your boyfriend do this or that". cue the silent laughter and incessant responses of "no". fine...you want me to say it out loud? i'll say it: I'M SINGLE, UNAVAILABLE (due to personal reasons) AND HEARTLESS (with men). and oh, have i mentioned that i've never been in a relationship before? if the above renders me a LOSER, so be it. wait, lemme change some of that. i'm 22, single, and proud of meself (at least i try to be).

close your eyes, let darkness take you
free your mind, embrace this feeling
now you're back into these arms of mine
these lips to kiss your tears away
ain't no one gonna take this love away no more

take my hand, there's no denying
hidden plans, fate's had a hand in
crying silent tears of pain on lonely summers' nights
i'll never let you hurt this way again

(to be continued...)

I'm being way to hard on the boys. I've been placing so much on the word "DATE", that anyone who's ever asked me out on a date would receive an outright rejection, and a slap in the face to boot. Just a couple of days ago, this guy who's a year younger tried to date me, and received the following response: You're too much of a joker and I know not when to take you seriously and I'm a prissy bitch who gets bored easily.

Now, that's just one of my many "witty" responses to date. Guess I'd prefer to be bitchy and upfront about my thoughts rather than ignore the poor fella. After all, isn't it easier for the guy to think I'm an ass than receive a "no" in response?

People nowadays seem to be using that four-letter word too loosely...or is it just me being totally prissy to think that? I've always thought the word held a romantic connotation, and should only be used by someone who's, at least, remotely interested in the person he/she's asking out. Has the meaning of the word evolved into an equivalent of "hanging out"? Dang.

Then again (I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve right about...now), such immediate and sharp comments could very well stem from my defence mechanism of an invisi-shield.

Yes...I know that once the men realize that I was just trying to be considerate to their feelings by putting myself in a bad light, they'd be ranting about how they can take rejection and shit. Men? Accept rejection in a heartbeat? No way. Well, at least for the ones I've encountered. Their defence mechanism would be to find something horrid about you and focus on that, then make it seem as though you've got the problem. Here's the kicker: they immediately turn from people who adore you to people who detest you. How funny is that?! Then there are those who seem to accept the "can we just be friends" line, when they're really just thinking of how to get back into your pants.

It's amazing how interested I am in such events. Should probably study anthropology next.

How can a person who's never been in a real relationship understand and question such to the extent she has?

Could this be my way of breaking out of that jaded shield of mess? Or am I doomed to stay that "prissy bitch who gets bored easily"?

I met the sweetest little girl yesterday. Her name's Nina and she's nine. I've just become her first penfriend.

I was operating a flight back from Perth. Nina's family was seated right at the back where the galley was. They seemed like normal people, traveling back to Switzerland from an extended holiday. It seemed that way until I noticed how this little girl kept smiling at me whenever I passed. After the bulk of work was done, the lull period allowed me some time to interact with her and her family (consisting of her dad, mom and bro). Nina and her brother couldn't speak English too well, so they needed their parents as semi-translators. Ursula (Nina's mom) told me about their holiday and how their family worked...without TV at home, and living on a huge grassland with a fantastic view of the Swiss Alps. They also built their own house. Ursula and her husband believed in teaching her kids through experiences, not the telly. The only things they could watch on TV were educational programs. On their 13-week holiday around New Zealand and Australia, the children were also made to keep a diary. They had to make at least one entry each day.

Anyways, to cut a long story short, I was totally fascinated by the family and its children, so much so that I sorta suggested that I'd like to write to the kids some time. Nina was ecstatic! She actually let out a loud "woo hoo" when her mom told her about the idea. She even said she couldn't wait and wanted to write me there and then...haha. So I gave her some postcards and she actually wrote me a sweet little note in German...how cool is that?

I then wrote my email and home address for Ursula, and she, in turn, gave me a picture of the four of them with their address on the back! Ursula told me that Nina wanted to get a kebaya just like mine from Changi Airport and I promised to bring them to the outlet that sold it. So, after disembarking, I found them waiting for me outside the gate. The whole set of crew were sorta amused that this family was waiting for me. Then, as I went up to meet them, Ursula pulled out a camera and said that the children really wanted pictures to remember me by. The scene was really funny! I felt like some kind of a star for the moment. Before I brought them to the outlet that sold the kebaya, Ursula told me that Nina had a present for me. Nina then gave me this bag with a little kangaroo keychain inside. Her mom said Nina had bought it with her own money in Perth, and had initially wanted to hang it on her school bag when she got back to Switzerland, but later decided to give it to me as a souvenior. I was too overwhelmed for words at that instant. Imagine...a nine-year-old was giving me, a total stranger, a present just because she had a feeling about me. I couldn't cry then, but I was totally welling up inside.

I walked them to the DFS outlet to get the kebaya, and decided to pay for it. Nina seemed a little confused, and her mom really didn't want me to pay, but I did. It really was a touching scene as I left them because we all just hugged and said goodbye. Nina hugged me especially hard.

I'm still reeling from the warm feeling. Although the little kangaroo Nina gave me didn't cost a lot, it meant something to her. To others, my gesture of paying for her clothes might have been a little too much, but when I think of how this girl, so genuinely sweet and innocent, shared something with me, money doesn't even come within sight.

The little kangaroo is the sweetest thing anyone has ever given to me. Just looking at it makes me all warm inside...and makes me wonder what kind of a person I am.

That little girl broke through my shield. And with her, I didn't have to wear any masks.

The Long and Short of It
Is that the oppression of today?

The cake on my face - my oppression
The sparkling smile - my oppression
Am I really that fake?

Do I feel such because I am depressed?
Or simply because I am woMan?
I have been branded "Oppressed".

Flashback to a time when they said I was "too skinny".
"Your uniform seems a little tight now".
Question: To slim down or not to?

Emaciated images reduce me
To plain jane mangled mess.
Just be yourself? Bull.

Who the hell am I?

Staring out of the window
Chanced upon a couple quarreling in the next block.
Then suddenly, she spun around
"What do you think you're looking at" slapped me in the face.

Woke up in cold sweat wondering
If HE was watching me then
I was paranoid.

Dawned on me then
Perhaps I was HE
Maybe I was...BIG BROTHER.

Then I cried.
For the past few nights I cried.
What is happening to me?

I'm turning into what I've feared most.
I'm becoming...sheep.
Baa...Baa...

Somebody please help me!
I don't want to conform!
Help...please help me...

I want to rage.
But can I?
Should I?
Do I have the strength to?

Help me...please.

Who am I?

4th February 2003, Tuesday, Zurich, Switzerland

Is there such a term as "snowing cats and dogs"? Or is "cat's and dogs" a gloom term used purely for rain, and the sadness that it brings? If the latter is true, then I guess it would just be snowing "heavily" outside right now.

It was just a visible amount of specks earlier, but while having my spaghetti bolognese at the Letzileu, the sprinkle turned into a torrential rain of cotton balls. Though the term "torrential" brings to mind soggy socks, drenched everything, thereby making you stay in just to avoid the cold and such, the same term, when used to describe rain, brings to mind a beautiful scene...a scene which makes one want to rush straight out into the open just to lap up the romance and feel that snow's supposed to bring.

Then again, why am I all holed-up in my hotel room at the Intercontinental writing this piece? Could it be because of my throbbing head that my lack of enthusiasm stems from? Or could it just be that the snow, in all its wonder, brings me back to a time when I still believed in romance and love?

*The snow seems to be much heavier now...is it mocking me?

I don't want to feel sad at the sight of snow...

If rain means that the heavens are tearing, then could snow come from the tears of the people up there, which have been frozen by the the non-existent emotions of the jaded?

*The winds are getting stronger.

If so, is there hope for people like me? Are we doomed to be stuck forever in such emotion-less purgatory?

A bird just flew by. It looks so free, even when going against the wind.

Why do I feel so trapped by the snow? What if I never find a way out? I'm watching Elizabeth Taylor on Larry King Life. How sad is that.

crush is outta my head...like, totally. thank god...haha.

am now starting to get all paranoid over my law exams. don't really think i can cope with all four papers but i sure as hell am gonna try. am gonna piece my life together again and get it back on track, meaning i'm gonna study the hell outta me. once yen is back in melbourne, it's just gonna be me, my books and the library...

would really like to get back into shape...as in, stamina-wise and muscles, instead of flab and fats. am so totally disgusted with those deals.

forget it...i think we're just not meant to be.

from today, i'll try to get the crush outta my head so i can concentrate on more important matters at hand.

dude,

why do you so remind me of the soulmate i had? the one that didn't work out and became my best friend...purely because we ran along the same wavelength. it's heartwarming to finally get to know someone who's so potentially cole, yet so unique in his own way. while i have to admit wondering if you were just another one of those guys who picks girls up in bars (thus the note), you seem to be somewhat more normal and grounded (normal as per my subjectivity, of course). then again, you might be one of those "i'll-just-say-whatever-you-want-me-to-say" kinda guys...and i wouldn't know.

for the past few weeks, things such as chapter 2s and stuff have been popping into my mind now and then. and while i recognize all these thoughts as terribly trivial, compared to everything else that's going on in the world and my life, i just can't help them clouding my head some times. i wish these thoughts would stop.

my usual method of getting rid of these thoughts would be to avoid the person in question, and not have any contact with him whatsoever...for quite a while. i've never quite acted out on these thoughts. probably because i'd hate to have someone treat me as i've treated others...something similar to going cold turkey. my feelings are mostly induced though, so ridding myself of them is relatively easy. or perhaps, as my mom puts it, i truly am a "cold person".

so thank you for passing me the note. it was a really nice gesture and something i thought would only happen in stories. and oh, thank you for being whatever you were after that. because from what i saw, you sure have no lack of smooth in the charm department. it's just my bad for feeling this way.

you're a complete mystery to me.

he came by tonight and was absolutely charming the pants off everyone. it was like, i was so busy i completely forgot he was coming, until he showed up at the door. as soon as he came in, yen and my mom (who were trying really hard to open the bottle of wine) asked for help to pull out the cork. he stepped in immediately and helped out. that, and passing me a huge box of stuff from bengawan solo. when my grandaunt commented that he's very nice to bring so many things over, he told her right back that it was nice of me to invite him.

franz talked to him most of the night cuz i was busy trying to make the others feel at home. think he did a REALLY good job cuz they seemed to hit it off pretty good. the group i spent the least time with was stan, johnny and spouses. i feel so terribly guilty about inviting everyone i didn't have time to entertain. thank god for pple like franz...he talked to almost everyone!

not too long after he arrived, yen pulled me into my room and exclaimed that he's really good-looking, and that i should "go for it"...haha. then as i went down and talked to a few other pple, he was speaking to eugene and the rest. when we finally got to talk a little while i was eating, it seemed like he'd already charmed my whole family...plus yen (who was watching from the sidelines). vernon then came up to me and asked if he was the one who "approached me" kinda deal...sigh.

when he was about to leave, we took a pic together and geez...eugene just messed the pic up...haha. he covered the lens and the flash...double jeopardy! guess it was just not meant to be. as he left, i told him that yen thought he was cute, then he changed the subject to when and where my next flight is to. he's getting his roster on thursday...so that'll be interesting. after he left (and i went back in), they were all teasing me and robin was saying things like "you should've gotten more pictures of him and you together" and "you guys look really compatible" and shit. they all agreed that he seemed like a gentleman. yen just had to add that he really impressed her with the way he presented himself...sorta quiet, yet confident. and she was telling vernon that he was the "best catch" so far with regards to the guys who've ever been interested in me. when i pointed out that there didn't seem to be any sparks between the two of us, she countered that he seemed really interested and that he was trying to get to know my family. i then thought that he was doing all this cuz we were, after all, the hosts.

sure...he's my type. that's the problem. i don't wanna get too close to be disappointed later that he is, indeed, not interested. oh well, life goes on. great party, by the way.