a mass mail i sent out friday...

my week of leave has effectively come to a crashing end.

so it is not with a heightened sense of well-being that i return to work with, but with a heavy heart and a constant struggle to tell myself to just "fuck it" and move on or to stay and see everything through.

the details aren't important. what is...is that i've allowed such things to get to me, when they used to be mere flies i just swat off. people have told me how nice it is to see the change - moving on from that jaded mess with no feel, to someone who's sharing somewhat.

just a few days ago, i was telling this one person that i don't want to feel. feeling is such a bane and i lose my focus if i start feeling. but he's convinced me that it's a good thing...to feel. i guess that's when i started letting my guard down a little. then, guess what? same thing happens...vicious cycle repeats itself...

i spent the last night, feeling extremely angry with myself, and sparring internally. it was the usual "fuck it serene...what's the point...these people aren't worth it". but i guess deep down, i know they are...that's why i was trying to bring out that best in them. i just hope that they wouldn't keep taking advantage of me that way.

i sense myself turning back into that jaded mess. will someone kindly pull me aside and slap me before i reach the point of no return?

to the people who haven't seen me the way i was in poly: please forgive my impending actions and attitude. i'm regrouping...and that means feelings will not be meaning anything to me anymore. i've tried to change that...but i guess i've been driven to such a point where i've decided this is the best way to do things.

serene: smile and tell the world to screw it...no one matters that much. you've only got two hands...there's only so much you can do. tell the rest to just fuck it.

thing is: i can't.