Wallowing in self pity...a thing of the past. Never did think I'd get over how suckee I feel at times, especially when people misunderstand me. But now, I seriously don't give a shit. Go ahead...tell everyone how bitchy or heartless I am, see if I care. Wait a sec...I AM heartless.

I don't usually resort to diaries, but since you exist, here I am. This is probably an outlet for me and an info-guide for you - into the real me.

There's this huge part of me that wants to just leave everything behind and start a new life in the States. I can live without friends and family. Well, at least emotionally. I'm not gonna crap about why I think my life sucks, but rest assured that it DOES suck that much to want to leave behind.

No! I'm not pitying myself. I happen to like who I am...just not the things or people I have to put up with. I've always wanted to change the world...not to make feminism an issue.

I'm proud to be Singaporean, but there are times when I feel like I'm just not meant to be one, like I've been born in the wrong part of the world.

I hate people telling me what I want and stuff. You're telling me what YOU want for me. Hell...I'd be damned if I ever heeded those advice.

And a word of warning...don't ever doubt my capability. When I say I can do something, I usually mean I'm able to do it...there's nothing else to it. Don't expect me to take you at face value, or believe whatever you say. I'm a good actor...and no matter how much you'd want to believe I'm on your side...save it.

As much as I preach about being able to live without friends and family, I have to admit that while I'm in the roles, I'm pretty good.

Dang...

well...i didn't write much on paris cuz i felt sick after writing too much on the email.

i can't figure men out. haha...yeah, i know...they probably aren't as hard to figure out as women, but hell...

does it mean anything if he asks you out? what if it doesn't feel like a date? is it still a date then? i don't wanna read too much into anything cuz i'm a total mess at reading the species from mars. and all thanks to DP for making me aware of that...haha. Of course, I'm truly happy that he's found someone he loves wholeheartedly. my girl friends, too, think that I'm totally horrendous in the male department. then again, i've always thought of myself as "half male-half female" brained.

i hate being totally clueless at things like these. then again, i can't be sure of everything, can i? guys and i...we just click like buddies...that's all. or at least that's what i think. and i can't believe how easily i can just shut off emotions. man...like what i did to keith, coleman and jo. geez...that's really scary huh? even my mom says i'm cold-hearted. guess i pride myself in that department. not too much i can pride myself on these days anyways.

and oh, have i told you that i ain't good with men?

just came back from perth last night and will be flying to paris tomorrow night. hell...it's gonna be a tiring flight.

perth was all right. it was the shortest australian sector i've ever done and the first time i got saboed (sabotaged) to drink with my flight mates. we arrived in perth in the later part of the afternoon, and had just about an hour till the shops closed. so we went to the nearest woolworth's and got some groceries and then to a place just next to the hotel (which, incidentally, is pretty dingy and down) for dinner. then a couple of other dudes from the same team joined us at the table, one of whom wasn't flying with us but was in perth on another flight. his name's arthur, by the way. so anyways, they were all set to hang out at this one guy's room after dinner, so i just went ahead with the mind of leaving after an hour or so. so a few of them sat down and started playing some card games, with a couple of us just reading the papers and chatting. after a while, a couple of this girl's guy friends joined us in the room and we just started playing indian poker...it's like this game where you don't see your card, and you dare another person an amount of liquor or wine that your card's bigger. i drank quite a bit in that game...haha...but i got the hang of it. then they changed to spinning the bottle...now that was stupid. the tip of the bloody vodka bottle just kept gravitating in my direction! man...the horror! thankfully though, i could give them straight answers to almost everything they asked. then they dared me to kiss this guy (who, i think is old enough to be my dad but is really nice)...man, it took me a long time to decide whether to kiss him or drink the half glass of wine. i just drank the wine in the end...which was what everyone there expected of me...haha. even that guy (arthur) kept saying "she'll drink the wine lah!". when i lamented that i couldn't shuffle cards properly, he said something like "you're really a good girl, aren't you
?" then when they brought food in, he started passing me vegetables...haha...that was hilarious...

so that was my perth adventure...haha...nothing much really. one fine day, i shall tell you guys bout that one time this passenger passed me a serviette...i sure hope he isn't reading this...actually, i really doubt he'll read this.

just came back from contract and public law lectures. sigh...it'll be a long night of rushing assignments for tomorrow's tutorial.

the jakarta flight was fine, discounting the really bad turbulence directly after take-off. the flight time was practically non-existent cuz after the meal service, the captain was like "cabin crew to landing stations". and there we were in jakarta, and back.

it was nice to be back at mediacorp for a while yesterday. there are times when i wish that i was still working there. but life's such...and i'm just glad to be able to keep in contact with the people i know there.

santi (a thai friend i got to know in chicago) wrote to me today. he never fails to remind me (in every mail he's sent) how the song "you've got a friend" reminds him of me. just like jonno, lisiana, beth, liesbet and the rest of those i knew from CNH. liesbet even went as far as to say she'll invite me to sing at her wedding when she does get married. she's even chosen a song...haha.

i've gotten so much positive reinforcement from these people it's hard to believe i don't have anyone to talk to, or hang out with in singapore. lotsa people ask why i'm not dating and such. at first, i felt weird cuz no one was asking me out. right now, after a few dates here and there, i feel really empowered not to be going out with anyone, or being in a relationship. i feel so productive and all...getting things done in a jiff and not having to make time for others, nor having to please (not that i've made a deliberate effort to please).

there was this one guy i had a good feeling about, and thought i might be interested in...but that didn't amount to anything. right now, the feeling's just dissipated. it's sad, but i'm just not the kind to pursue this sorta thing. and i pity anyone who tries to do it to me as well...cuz it's, well...fruitless, most of the time.

i guess DP's one poor dude who knows me well.

am totally chewing on my almonds i brought back from dubai. mom and dad depleted all the cashew nuts, so i'm left with this and the pistachios.

it's been helluva day...so much so that to say "i'm tired" would be an understatement. i'm totally drained.

guess what?! i was on check (known as appraised to most pple) today. was kinda stressed out cuz it's my very first, and it was a short flight so everything was just rush, rush and rush. fortunately, it didn't turn out too bad. i was flying with a great leading and very helpful team.

the fundraising idea has been bugging me for some time now, and i'm comforted by how a few pple have already pledged their help to this project. i mean...i hardly know them, yet...oh well.

carrie wrote me today (someone i knew from my newsradio days), responding to my earlier mail. she said how she'd think of me sometimes, and how i was in training and such. siew joo wrote me too. the weirdest thing was: they both said that the serene they know would be able to achieve much in both her job and her studies. that really boosted my confidence...i guess people just didn't realize how down i was, trying to do both at the same time.

i miss hanging out. not that i hung out that often in the past anyway. my social life has always been the sacrifice...the price i had to pay for achieving such in other areas. not that i mind, but it seems to have caused me to be afraid of going out. outside work, i seem to be such a loner...studying at the library, working out, getting things done. i still remember how guys used to ask me out when i was in poly, and my reflex reponse was to reject. now how the hell did it get that way? and you know what the worst is? that i'm still like that. my instantaneous reaction would be to give a big, fat "no".

this is bad, isn't it? jason said that i seem to have this emotional barrier in front of me, refusing to let others get close to me. i suppose that's my weakness.

so i'm writing cuz i'm bored...big deal.

my entire being's a farce and i don't know why.

life's such a fantasy i ain't able to live it.

i don't want to fall in love.

tell me this isn't happening.

i'm afraid to fall asleep.

please don't let the fear of those nightly rages consume me.

my baby brother sleeps so peaceful.

i want to share your pain.

i'm a stayer.

just kill me now.

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there you have it...the famous quotes of serene lim. enjoy.

regards.