so here i am, making up for the lack of drivel from the past five days.

just finished watching "the road home" on axn. truly touching and inspiring. love conquers all. love at first sight. whatever.

the chalet was a good getaway from life for a bit...even if we were just stuck in changi most of the time. i've never thought of the beach, or sea, or waves as soothing, or even romantic, that is, until the chalet.

trying to picture the scene and feel the feel simply isn't enough. you have to be there to really feel it.

i'd walk down the little path from the chalet to the beachfront while everyone was doing their thang. it'd be late and no one would notice i was gone. i'd stand in front of the drop-off and stare out into blackness, the only indication of any water in front of me being the sound of the waves crashing against the rocks at high tide.

gradually, someone would realize i ain't around, and would come out looking for me.

then it hit me. people care enough to realize i'm not always around. people ain't that bad. people change for the better. and there's nothing wrong with that.

i wonder if people feel how much i care because compared to them, i never seem to care enough...or at least, i don't think i do. i mean...i already have issues with feeling.

so is what i'm feeling now real? or am i feeling so because i keep telling myself I HAVE TO FEEL? sigh...a constant jekyll and hyde conflict.

i believe people do think i'm genuine. that's how i got to know so many and landed myself the job in the first place. i believe they think i care. i believe they think i'm real.

i guess i just gotta believe in myself a little more. i have to let people in...let them feel me...and let them love me.

scouting has grounded me in more ways than one. in the group, the people are real. i get bitch-slapped for any wrongdoing...no holds barred. i like that. and as much as they think they aren't fancy or anything like that, i believe (in many ways), that we share witty repartes much better than the fake society has ever known...though half the time i'd be trying to figure out what they're saying when they speak in hokkien/teochew/whatever that's not english or mandarin.

thank you for being nice to the girl in the corner. thank you for lending her your shirt...your hand...your gaze...your silly grin. thank you for feeling for her (or is she just being terribly presumptious) and giving her a chance to feel that certain way.

you know who you are.