i just realized, some minutes ago, that a supposed need could be transformed into a want. given the right environment, that is.

what happens when a person turns cold turkey on you? and that someone used to be so close to you that you could never imagine going on a day without him just saying hi...he may not be your romantic love, but at least, he's still close to you.

could you ever bring yourself to go cold turkey on him as well? i'm quite the example of that. in fact, my mom knows that i'm capable of bringing pain to people by simply just...doing nothing.

i really didn't want to do that to him, of all people. i considered him family. he was the baby of my other family. and it's not like he's grown up and left us...he's just lost. together, we could've found our way out of the woods. but now...we've been torn apart by circumstances that we've imposed on ourselves.

to think i've got the stomach to swallow verbal assaults from people who don't know me, when i can't even get by a day without crying now. i've been reduced, yet again, to that emotional mess i was before they came along.

i've also been disappointed, again, by people whom i've tried to help...but simply don't even want to try because they're simply too scared. WHY?!! why can't they at least give it a shot? i did, and look where i am now...

i mean...didn't they think that i was scared shitless then too? i'm living life so much more now. my senses are befuddled...my mind's in a mess...and i'm mentally and emotionally tested, but i'm loving it. if i hadn't taken on my current job, i would not have met cookie...and the sstt wouldn't have been born.

maybe what elm said was right. she used the analogy of whirlwind romances...they start fast, and they end quick.

perhaps that's what the sstt is about too.

but i'm wishing that we're more than that.

love you grovie
love you elmie,
love you cookie,
love you ernie,
love you birdy,
love you bert,
love you momma.

i hope that, someday, you'll understand why i want to spend whatever time i can with you.