BABY BLUES

yesterday, during my semi-last session with the counselor, i had a revelation.

if the ex relationship were just one with no pledges or committment involved, it would be so simple to let fly.

but to have pictured yourself getting married, having children and growing old with your partner...that adds a whole new dimension to the relationship.

that pledge, in itself, is a committment.

and if either party can't see it, then i've got no more words.

i had never thought of being with someone or having kids when i was younger.

i was all about non-conformity and had the "marriage is just a piece of paper" shit.

marriage, to me, is still just a piece of paper.

but i changed my mind about children.

particularly after doing so much social work and caring for children who were undergoing cancer treatment, mental and physical disabilities.

i have a bond with kids...perhaps i developed it as i grew older.

it's like, if you have an affinity to something, you'd be more receptive to the idea.

and i have it with children.

and so i realized last night that i so looked forward to having kids with him that i held on to the belief that we would work out.

of course, i wouldn't have been dumb enough to make any bigger committment if he didn't treat me right.

or maybe it's just all this talk and articles about how the world's population is shrinking because people don't seem to want to have kids anymore.

according to the latest issue of newsweek (which had a requiem for pluto), italy, greece and spain were once synonymous with fruitful families.

now they are tied for europe's lowest birthrates.

women are getting their eggs frozen so they don't need to contend with their biological clock.

for me, i know my destiny calls for marriage and family to come after my work's done.

but i hope that wouldn't take too long.

on the flip side, it wouldn't matter if i don't meet anyone who takes me as i am.

hmm.

so there's no hurry.

just have to hold back singing the lullaby i wrote for my first child.

go to sleep now, little one
night has come, dreams have begun
i will be right by your side till dawn is done

close your eyes now, little one
mommy's here, no harm will come
when you wake all your troubles be gone
little one.