as we approach yet another sunday, i realize how much of a ride it's been for the past two weeks.

in the past couple of weeks, i've had way more emotions running through me than i've ever had...like, ever.

i feel my walls being torn down day by day, despite my constant struggles to keep them up.

a movie jolted me into sobriety today.

the word "bitch" rang in my ears the rest of the day.

whatever polly said, i could relate to.

"i am NOT his girlfriend".

"i don't want to get married".

i felt my eyes welling up when ben stiller's character told her how he couldn't have gone through everything he had, if he hadn't been in love with her.

it got me thinking: i would probably never find someone i could love ever so deeply...purely because no one could ever understand me the way i do myself. i could probably love someone who comes closest to that, but there'll never be a perfect someone who'll know everything about me...about how neurotic i am at times...and all. no one could ever love someone - who takes issue with committment, who's a walking contradiction, who manages to mask her pain enough to exude a certain confidence and aura, who can love others more than she ever does herself - so deeply. in short, no one could ever love an actor.

xoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

no one's ever loved her for who she is. they see a figure of strength, who seems somewhat mysterious yet have such a sunshine personality at times. he had liked her. he had wanted to go out with her. but when things got slightly serious, and he found out more about her, he freaked and left.

why can't he embrace her difference?

all she ever wanted was to feel loved.

alas...she left before she could realize such a deep love.