the constant battle between feeling and pride is consuming me.

day by day, i find myself falling deeper into the depths of nothingness...emptiness...lovelessness.

it is so easy to run away.

i would never choose the easy way out, yet why must i be tempted to, time and again?

just yesterday i was filled with all the wonder of the world.

or at least i thought i was.

well...perhaps i wasn't, since i was thrown back into the realities of today.

the realities are so far from my ideals that i can't quite seem to grasp what's real.

today was hard in its own way.

to grapple with the feeling of loss seems like the hardest thing there is right now, though deep down, i know it's a mere hiccup.

the funniest thing is: i had tried to substitute that sense of feel with another kind of love.

i failed horribly.

as i watched the little one fall asleep by me today, i realized how deceitful i was.

i was deceiving EVERYONE!

i couldn't even bring myself to hug him before i left.

i couldn't even bring myself to meet his eyes.

i'm losing it...i'm losing my will to love the ones i'm hurting.

BUT I DON'T WANT TO!

please help me....please....please...please....

i'm crying out for help...but you can't hear me...

and even if you can, you wouldn't help me.

because...you, like me, are one and the same.

you want to run away too.

but, unlike you, i desperately need help...i believe at times you do too...

i need help now...i need someone to hold me and let me know i am loved.

i refuse to believe that i'll forever be left in my own little corner to weep alone.

hold me now please...

i can't be strong anymore.

i need to go. i'm sorry. i'm leaving.

i'm sorry jiahao. i'm so so sorry.