only god knows how i manage to keep my sanity and energy level up to write this.

it was a good day...i gave and received plenty of hugs, culminating in a warm and nice, long one.

despite grover's pleas earlier of wanting to have a picture taken of the both of us, once again, we didn't have a chance to. frankly though, i wasn't quite sure he wanted to.

people often put on a brave front, hoping they could keep the pain inside and bear it themselves.

i, obviously, am one such example. in fact, i believe that's the only bane of the sstt right now. we all have our issues.

i remember in blogs past, i wrote something about pain.

it does sadden me to be able to read people like that...because i see so much pain in so many of them.

and sometimes, to see the pain and know of it is much harder to bear than it is to hear of it from the person himself.

i know i'm bringing this all upon myself...i'm getting extremely tired of feeling. but until i do burn out, this is what keeps me alive. this makes me know i'm not simply "existing".

i also realized this evening, how difficult it is to verbalize something that's been in your heart for the longest time.

i know that because the moment those words came out of my mouth, i struggled to hold my tears back.

as i walked away, i dared not look back because my tears were already flowing freely down my face. i walked into the lift, huddled in the corner and sobbed uncontrollably...till the lift doors opened, that is. thank god for the lack of neighbors.

i couldn't understand why it was so hard to say those words. it felt really easy just typing them out...

i'm guessing it'll be much easier for me to say it to elm and cook...but i don't quite know yet.

it's true how my writing jinxes things sometimes. i fail to realize how different this is from actually speaking.

and because it was so hard for me to say those words, i shall not write those here today.

for what's the use of writing so much when you can't even say them without putting aside your pride?