the morning's gonna be a real toughie, as usual.

i don't get the monday blues really...i just kinda get the monday swollen eyes.

this is my life really - i can never get too happy, else i'd come crashing down.

just a bit after i stated how i want to start living for reals, my upbeatness came to a sudden halt.

nevermind the halt. the upward trend started turning...rapidly steepening into a vertical fall.

and there i was. back at rock bottom.

this time, i've got no one to blame but myself.

once again, i've let someone down...and in turn, let myself down.

i've violated the one rule of friendship i hadn't taken issue with till now...because this had already tore one friendship apart...and i'm hoping i can do something to change the tides before this friendship goes down the toilet bowl as well.

feeling is a wonderful thing. it makes you feel alive. but to me, feeling seems to equate to pain.

so if feeling equals pain, then pain is what keeps you alive.

and if there's no longer any pain, does that mean you've lost it all?

in that sense, would a person, who's been moulded by pain, be expected to continue to go through shit her whole life simply because she should, by now, be strong enough to tolerate more?

quite a while ago, i got a line from LOTR's sam. sam was my hero that night. his line that forever stuck was this:

"don't go where i cannot follow."

today, i finally got to use that line.

through the flurry of tears, i sent him an sms. but, i couldn't even bear to type out those three words. it hurt too much.

even reading them off his smses hurt.

but he has to realize that he is not hurting me.

sometimes, i'd wish he wouldn't reciprocate the affection...so i would get smashed and leave.

but...he did reciprocate. and did much more.

now it's my turn to turn away.

i don't know how to love.

and even more than that, i don't know how to be loved.

my dearest baby brother

as always, you've been an absolute rock for me.

but we can't be strong all the time.

i know you've promised to hold me up when i fall, and i hope i've done my part to hold you up as well.

but when there comes a time when we both feel like crashing, why can't we simply embrace each other and help one another through the long night?

we don't always need to be strong for each other.

thank you for letting me into your heart. it will take a long time for me to open up, but in time, i will.

it would suffice to say that my life was a farce before i met you.

i've just taken that baby step towards the ground...and you were the one who helped me take that first step.

i want to live my dear.

please teach me how to embrace such living.