THE GREATEST STORY EVER TOLD

of all the bloody fuckers i've met through my journalistic career, last thursday's took the cake.

i'm so not gonna name the local blue-chip which has an O&M arm, an infrastructure arm, and owns a commanding stake in a local petroleum company, among other things.

i had gone to the group's analysts and press briefing in the evening, feeling good because i had pre-arranged an interview with one of the panelists for the evening.

as soon as i reported my attendance, i felt totally odd.

the smattering of faces around me looked very unfamiliar, and they all had plastics of grins plastered on their contorted little faces. urgh.

then, of course, vernon turns up and some form of normality resumes. for me, that is.

vernon is so..."i-don't-give-a-fuck-at-how-you-look-at-me-because-i'm-fucking-my-own-person". and that's why it's nice to have him around in situations like that.

as i entered the ballroom to grab a seat, i noticed how sanitized the whole thing seemed to be.

*realize that i used the word "sanitized" instead of "pristine" because i meant for the word to leave a bad taste.

not a chair out of place...the panelists' table smacked right in the middle of the stage...and THE LIGHTS...OH THE LIGHTS TURNED UP TO MAKE YOU SQUINT...

and you know this is no ordinary results briefing when the panelists march in in footdrill precision. then as they settle down behind the long table, you realize that they seemed to be in identical suits, with identical red ties.

now these old men behind that long table are very powerful people.

but as old men go...they're probably a few of the nastiest around.

(yeah yeah...maybe they're just jaded after being screwed over once too many times in the business world...but still...)

it's natural for journalists and analysts to shoot the panel questions about their numbers at earnings briefings, so the panel shouldn't be too disgruntled about answering such queries.

these three grumpy old men would pre-fix their answers with a line which insinuated the journalist/analyst didn't keep up with news on the company and those questions have been answered somewhere out there, then proceed to answer the question proper.

so the most ironic shit here is this:

some idiot sent in a two-page-long list of questions via email...with two out of the three questions totally unrelated to the event of the day.

how unrelated?

imagine the panel answering this:

"why do people need to submit their picture and expected salary when they apply for a job?"

like...why the fuck would the panel even bother to read out that bloody question?

but they did.

and they fucking insinuate that we don't know our shit. bah.

THAT'S NOT ALL.

remember how i "secured" an interview over the phone?

well, the heads of the corporate communications division didn't know about it, so no...i hadn't "secured" the interview.

look...i shall not deprive you of the moment's tension so here's the transcript of what transpired:

general manager (GM): what do you want?

me: i called the other day to confirm my attendance and informed you that i wanted to interview a member of the panel.

GM: oh, you should've just hooked your mike up to our speaker system and recorded the Q&A just now. because everything you need would've been said then.

(i go on to tell her about how we usually have Q&As between phonecaster and interviewee plunked into the reports, not just soundbites. then she calls her assistant over and starts arguing with her.)

me: look, i don't know what happened in between, but i DID call last week and asked for an interview to be arranged. the person even called me back to ask who i'd like to interview!

GM: who did you call?

me: evon.

GM: evon is a freakin' intern! she must have just taken your attendance!

(turns to her AGM): i don't care, you'd better sort this out.

then she storms away.

the AGM was nice enough...and got one of the panelists (aka one of the grumpy old farts) to speak to me.

as soon as i asked my first question, the fella laughs and says...

"it's obvious you haven't been reading about the company's news and what we've released to the public."

if he had hoped to throw me off with that, he was so wrong.

i smiled at him and responded...

"reading is reading, listening is listening. personally, i prefer to listen because it adds credibility."

and he just laughed at me. like...whatever.

so we did the interview and he freakin' answered all my questions with that tinge of sarcasm.

(i'm serious. i have all the prove in the interview.)

after the interview, the AGM very nicely asked me to take out some bits of what the guy said.

and i'm just thinking to myself...

"this fella is so media-trained he should know what to say and what not to. why the hell should i need to sensor anything?"

oh well. so that's over.

as i was packing up my stuff, he looked over for one more time and said "nice haircut".

i shot a look at him, smiled, said "right", then went back to packing. like...buzz off, asshole.

then he had to bully the guy i work with.

i've never seen my semi-colleague being stumped like that.

so yeah...that was the most fucked-up briefing i've ever attended.

but i'm glad i didn't back down for a single second on that outing, especially in front of the people who own half of the country.

kiss my ass, suckers.