i've decided to stop blogging on the pc...so my darling mac would be the one to fulfill all my surfing and messenger needs.

my mac's a classic as well, so that means no fancy fonts and all on my blog.

so with that out of the way, i shall begin to try to spell out the barrage of thoughts that's clouding my little brain.

essentially, the past week was hellish...not because i had to work almost around the clock, but because i was sick. am sick. whatever. i still have to work over the weekend, but at least i can get to rest a little before spending the late afternoon and beyond on my chinese reports.

speaking of chinese, i haven't yet gotten the minutes printed out for the group council meeting tomorrow...which i'll probably not be able to attend anyways...sigh. i think the elders are so gonna lose confidence in me.

i'm extremely tired. physically, i'm still able to hold up...even though i have problems walking at the usual speed i do. it's just that my head's so heavy from mentally flipping through that filofax in there. i have many many things to do. and i know angus and mark are wondering why the hell i'm stressing so much and why i can't rearrange my timings and such so i get enough rest. problem is...the things are all placed back to back, so even if i do rearrange some things, i'll still be working through the day...or late night anyways. no diff. thank god earnings season is coming to an end. and, by the way, the chinese content is a lot of work. and that's one of the major reasons i'm stressing out. because aside from doing the normal daily interviews and initial reports in english, i'm struggling to get the chinese ones done...and given my weak command of the language (even though i'm still better than terence), i'm taking helluva long time to even translate one.

so yes...i'm glad the picnic this weekend is off. because this entire weekend is to be devoted to getting the chinese ones done. and monday...sigh...monday, i'll have to voice and conduct four chinese interviews with terence. i don't know how i'll perform at the launch...sigh.

guys, i know you told me not to work myself out and to pace myself. but if you know me (as i think you do), you'd know that this is the only way i can tell myself that i'm doing my job well. from the supposed four hours a day to what i'm doing now...it's a far cry. but if i don't put in all i can, and do whatever i can to build up my credibility and presence right now, things are gonna be way tougher when i go full-time...which, i hope, wouldn't be too different from now. because what scares the shit outta me is the thought of me drawing a full-time pay and doing a lot more. i'm such a perfectionist, guys. i hate to be this way but i am...

i haven't been to scout meetings for two weeks now, and i can't help but feel guilty for not being there. i couldn't even go to the district meeting last night...when i had promised i would attend.

okay...enough of griping.

now for those random thoughts ya'll love to read so much...haha.

yesterday, while taking a breather before reading up on singapore computer systems, i chanced upon oprah on star world. and there was a story that really touched me.

there's gonna be a movie called "radio" out soon, starring cuba gooding jr. yes, the "show me the money!" guy. the story's about how this boy who's mentally retarded with a fragile x syndrome is brought into the team by a high school football coach.

that isn't the touching part.

oprah featured the story of a boy called jake, who has this fragile x syndrome. this high school football coach brings jake into the team...and while jake couldn't play at any games, he'd never fail to suit up and support his teammates. the team got into the finals. and the coaches from both teams...they decided to fulfill jake's dream and let jake play the final seconds. the score was a tie then. jake gets the ball and the teams' players just parted for him to run all the way to...touchdown. you see, both teams wanted to win, but they thought jake was more important.

that seriously brought a tear to my eye...watching jake score the touchdown.

so anyways...there was this guy who caught my eye on the train last morning. he wasn't good looking or anything like that, but, get this: he was wearing scooby doo socks! i know it sounds weird, but i spent the entire train ride staring at his socks. so yeah.

someone just gave me a call and asked me out for a drink. i told him that i'm awfully busy this weekend. then that brought back the headache, and i, again, ran through all the stuff i have to get done by the weekend, or by today.

so please, do me a favor. don't ask me out this weekend. in fact, don't even call to ask how i am. you'll hear no end of it and my headache will become permanent.

in fact, please don't ask me out next week as well.

i'm tired of explaining how busy i am. and i'm tired of hearing people say "i know how you feel" because they don't. they can try to understand, but they don't know how i feel.

i sense a replay of the period i came back from the US after my camp...when i narrated my experiences and no one believed it could get that bad.

similarly, if you ain't in my shoes at this moment, you wouldn't believe how bad things are.

can you believe that there are people who actually told me "oh come on, it can't be that bad!"

it tore me apart.