i've fucked up, yet again.

is this a sign of an impending burn-out?

god forbid...and you know i'd never admit to "burning out".

i walked to the clinic just opposite yangzheng to find that it was shut for labor day (hell i should've expected that).

while walking back it started to drizzle...so yes, i got rained on.

i got home and started screwing things up...work things.

for once, i had no energy nor had i any reason to refute what mark was saying.

i was in the wrong.

and it was really bad...i mean...here i am, having breathing problems and having to go to the doc's and back without even seeing the doc. then i come back and, thinking that the server was back to normal and i could get things going, sent out all those smses. turns out the server wasn't okay...and people probably couldn't call in...and so, i fucked up.

i swallowed my pride and admitted my mistake.

then angus asks me to take a rest. and rest i did. for about three hours plus i rested. and i still feel as horrible. i can probably only go see the doc tomorrow.

mom just asked if i wanted to go out to dinner with them...and i just broke down. i told her i was too weak to even go out now...and after everything that's happened today and what's NOT about to happen, i'm so not in the mood.

again, she gave me the kinda face that said "when you're home, you don't even want to spend time with us".

yes mom, i am selfish and don't spend enough time with you guys.

but understand that i'm often out working...and not having a jolly good time with friends.

you know...i'm tired of even defending myself now.

i'm in the wrong. go on and blame everything on me.

a person doesn't have to look and sound sick to be sick.

she could be a good actor.