a couple of minutes shouldn't make a difference.

after all, i've been up for most of the day...waiting and waiting for people to call me back.

even when i try to get home early to rest, it's like i'm not meant to even get to chill out. what's worse is, instead of being ultra-productive at home, i was hanging by the phone.

damn it...i really should've read tai tong's proposal today.

the only good thing outta today was that i finished my work early, and managed to catch american idol with my brother and dad. now that's something i miss doing. i wish i could do that every weeknight...watch the news with them or something.

i think i've made up my mind.

as much as i want to go for the competition, i realize it'd be more productive for me to stay with the boys. besides, running around the cbd would definitely be more interesting than waiting in line and listening to bitchy talk from the other people in the queue.

everything in its time, serene. if it's meant to be, it'll happen. sometime.

you know...the above sentence totally contradicts what i've been telling people.

"fate can only take you so far. the rest is really up to you."

i just got off the phone with my aunt from the US. she got really excited upon hearing that i may (just may) fly over for a bit and come down with her and the kids. obviously, i told her not to get her hopes too high up there cuz i would most probably not be able to.

you know...that's how it is with me. i get my hopes way too high, and when it falls through, i get utterly crushed.

so, for my scouts at least, i'm just gonna try to let them be. i will try not to get too disappointed. but i hope they'll surprise me one day all the same. sigh...a person can dream, can't she?

anyways...someone asked if my parents knew how hard i was working. i said they probably don't. because they think that when i ain't at home, i'm out having fun... and...i'd rather not tell them every single thing i was doing cuz they'd either 1) get extremely worried or 2) say that i'm exaggerating.

the only reason i'm working so hard now is because of the two guys i work with. sure, i love my work...but no matter how much a person loves what she does, she'll need a break sometime. i work hard for these two guys simply because i don't want to disappoint them. they are such role models to me...and to be able to work with such fantastic mentors...i guess no words can express my gratitude towards these two.

but again...i feel really stupid when i cry because of stress because i know i shouldn't, not when i'm working with these two.

i guess there's something wrong with me then.

why am i so unhappy with myself these days?

sigh...so many questions...so little time to even ponder anymore.

whatever happened to the serene with dreams unlimited?

i'm sorry ycsog...i ain't able to give you what i promised. in fact, i guess my promises so far have been empty.

i'm supposed to be an inspiration to the kids.

i suppose i can still try...

haha...i know what you guys will say...that all these nonsense will go away once i get a good break.

perhaps. maybe these'll all fade into the background for a bit...but rather than blending in completely, they'd be embossed...and their imprints will still be obvious.

weekends used to be welcomed. i dread this weekend, because of the amount of work that needs to be done, and people that i need to speak to.

it wouldn't be so tough if it were a weekday. at least i wouldn't expect to be resting.

at least...i wouldn't feel guilty about working...like

clockwork.