it dawned on me again today, that i have a lagging train of thought.

something that mark said last wednesday, had triggered a whole slew of memories...and i finally found the will to pen them down...today. and still, after a couple of lines, i simply couldn't continue. the funniest thing is: i don't think i'll ever get on with my life just fine if i don't get those thoughts down on paper and get it to him. it really isn't that big of a deal (no worries Angus), but it'll just keep bugging me.

in my last blog (or some semblance of one), elm mentioned how i seem to have become stronger.

she's right.

the past couple of weeks, my patience and will have been tested...many times over. but i've never once thought of how "bad" i'm having it. no matter how fucked up i felt inside and how much i cried at home, i was still able to go out and face the world with a face free of tear-stains and a sparkling smile...a genuine one at that.

today, mark looked at me a couple of times and turned to angus and said "look, she's beaming!"

it's weird, but check out the time on this blog. it's now five past midnight, and i'm still fresh as morning dew. and i'm to wake up in a few hours! how the hell i managed to get through today (without even a catnap) is fucking unbelievable!

apart from my energy level, a couple of other things make today memorable.

eng hai invited me to something he's hosting this thursday night for a hundred and twenty. i don't know if he invited me to make up the numbers, but hell...he obviously likes me enough to invite me anyways. heh. he's a fantastic interviewee, by the way. and he's a star.

baby's exams ended today. and i know i oughta be as excited as he is, but some of what elm said may be true...i'm drifting away. as much as he'd try to deny it, i'm certain our bond isn't that strong anymore...and surprisingly, that doesn't affect me as much as i thought it would. obviously, i got a sudden twitch when he, once again, declined to have me do something for him...this time on his birthday, but i was okay after that. if he wants to stay at home and pig out...so be it.

after all, i'm the big sis...not the girlfriend. girlfriends always hold a different place.

i hate the above line, but i'm gonna leave it there. one of my random ramblings.

raymond. ah...raymond. always thinking i'm out to get him. getting all defensive when i made an innocent comment. have our relations been strained to such levels? i'd like to think that we've gone past all that childish shit. i'd like to think you've gone past all that crap. i think you're beginning to, really.

you know...with everyone who's been pissing me off, i really should be more jaded. oddly enough, i ain't.

raymond's still a brother. i don't expect him to look upon me as a big sis like the rest of the sstt does, but i hope he's realized i ain't that bitchy, really.

anyways...had a long talk with the bosses today. wasn't sure if it was a good idea, but i'm glad that's over and done with.

don't worry guys, it's my baby too. i'll stick with you for as long as it takes.

i'm beginning to worry about the emotion i'm putting into everything i'm doing. the scouts have tested my emotional patience, and that's taken a beating. so...i don't know.

i can feel my profile heightening slowly, but surely. i'm starting to get to the people who never knew i existed. the world is just starting to get a feel of me...inspiration personified. but...

in an odd sense, i feel myself retreating even further.