i am utterly shattered.

i'm back to the start of my vicious cycle.

i need to rebuild myself. alone.

this is the one thing, apart from my studies situation, that's hit me that hard.

it's kinda amusing how someone who's decidedly distanced himself from you can make you doubt your own inspirational capabilities.

and you know what hurt most?

it was thinking back on this:

"serene, don't let the little things get you down. think about the ones you've touched...the ones who now treat you like a big sister they never had...they're the ones you should focus on."

if i was that good a sister, i wouldn't have lost a brother. just like that.

i just realized, some minutes ago, that a supposed need could be transformed into a want. given the right environment, that is.

what happens when a person turns cold turkey on you? and that someone used to be so close to you that you could never imagine going on a day without him just saying hi...he may not be your romantic love, but at least, he's still close to you.

could you ever bring yourself to go cold turkey on him as well? i'm quite the example of that. in fact, my mom knows that i'm capable of bringing pain to people by simply just...doing nothing.

i really didn't want to do that to him, of all people. i considered him family. he was the baby of my other family. and it's not like he's grown up and left us...he's just lost. together, we could've found our way out of the woods. but now...we've been torn apart by circumstances that we've imposed on ourselves.

to think i've got the stomach to swallow verbal assaults from people who don't know me, when i can't even get by a day without crying now. i've been reduced, yet again, to that emotional mess i was before they came along.

i've also been disappointed, again, by people whom i've tried to help...but simply don't even want to try because they're simply too scared. WHY?!! why can't they at least give it a shot? i did, and look where i am now...

i mean...didn't they think that i was scared shitless then too? i'm living life so much more now. my senses are befuddled...my mind's in a mess...and i'm mentally and emotionally tested, but i'm loving it. if i hadn't taken on my current job, i would not have met cookie...and the sstt wouldn't have been born.

maybe what elm said was right. she used the analogy of whirlwind romances...they start fast, and they end quick.

perhaps that's what the sstt is about too.

but i'm wishing that we're more than that.

love you grovie
love you elmie,
love you cookie,
love you ernie,
love you birdy,
love you bert,
love you momma.

i hope that, someday, you'll understand why i want to spend whatever time i can with you.

while in the toilet (of all places), i suddenly thought of the time cheryl called me up from german class and asked, sheepishly, if i was going to class that day. i wasn't, because i was really sick. on my birthday. later, she calls back again and says the class had bought a cake for me...and they sang me a birthday song...in german, which they learned only a coupla minutes before just for the ocassion.

schweet.

that thought's helping me through my frustration right now. fuck technology. i've spent the last few hours (since 8pm actually) trying to figure out what's wrong with the ftp software. after loadsa trial and error, and almost breaking out into a quarrel with the tech girl, i've finally deduced that it's probably my broadband that's causing the shit. it works just fine with internet access and email, but i just don't get why i suddenly ain't able to log on to the ftp server!

add to that frustration, i'm, again, consumed with irrepressible stress and sadness. my other family's falling apart. and while i'm taking a breather, it seems like no one else is holding on...

today (or yesterday, rather) is supposed to be rest day. and it was. sorta. but why does it have to end like this?

why can't you just hold on?

where's the promise of holding me up when i'm falling?

i need you. i really really do. but i don't have the courage to snap out of my shell.

i've been working on an overdose of ice cream and lots of ice cream cones.

the ice cream isn't particularly tasty, but it'll just have to do for now. i need the sugar rush. gosh, i wonder what this will do to my health screening next monday.

i was home for the entire day...doing practically nothing, yet i still feel utterly wasted. i've stuffed myself with mee siam and ice cream and i still feel like shit.

maybe it's because saturday's nearing and perhaps, subconsciously, i'm wishing that day would not come so soon.

oh well. it's coming all right.

i guess tomorrow's gonna be a mad rush of making up questions for the boys' race saturday...i still need to recce boat quay.

i feel that i'm becoming quite a slack employee...i don't know. maybe it's because the past few weeks were filled with stuff to do.

serene...remember that next week's gonna be a mad rush too...

you know...no matter what he says, i know i've lost him.

but i'm still thankful for all the cool shit we've been through.

goodbye sweetie.

"i drove 40 minutes from my parents' anniversary dinner, which i organized, beat rush hour traffic, ran through a crowded airport and now i'm here." - girl

"why?" - boy

"because i think you're someone i can dance with." - girl

"what about richard?" - boy

"he always stepped on my toes." - girl

beautiful huh?

the past week has been crazy. the weekend? even crazier.

but it's odd that despite how busy i've been, i always had the time to beat myself up (don't worry, i don't mean literally).

over three days, i've signed autographs, spoken to dozens of people, smiled for hours at a go. it sorta reminds me of the time i was at SIA. and even though i had last afternoon, this afternoon, and will have tomorrow off (mostly), i still feel exhausted. i had both afternoons to have a rest, but i simply couldn't sleep. i simply stoned my way through to the evenings. talk about feeling unproductive. but i simply couldn't help it.

i'm glad i got my book back from ray. the book is my life...it's probably the one thing that's got the most important bits of my past in it. reading it again's gonna make my cry loads. but that's what i gotta do tonight. i missed my book.

and i got back my CNH sweatshirt as well! rock on!!!

4 days to the singapore idol auditions.

4 days to the scouts weekend camp.

4 days to realizing what matters most.

and...

4 days to crying over losing one of them.

my body's an empty vessel. my soul's floating alongside it...just waiting for it to screw up.

i've been alone all this while. nothing's changed on that front.

what has...is that i've gained and lost emotional dependence in 3 months.

a grouch has gotta be proud of that.

i did three autographs today.

i know...i'm shameless because i cheekily asked the people who got my cd if they wanted one. but it was total coolness.

if we ever have any spare cds left (i'm pretty sure we won't), remind me to show you a copy. geez...you'll probably have the same reaction as i did. it's true. i was freaked. like, totally.

this morning started off really bad. i got bogged down by technical issues and i was pissed at the same time because i WAS the center of operation.

i sang with a band called bakersloo line (yes it's the london tube station)...and while most of them were out smoking, jason and i did desperado. i'm not being a bitch here but it sounded pretty darn good...finally hearing it done with a piano. it sounded good to me. i wish we had recorded it that one time.

i hope that wouldn't be the only time.

anyways, the band's style is more of rock...and i gotta feeling my brand of music will stifle the talents of the cool guitarists and drummer. so...i'm still not sure if i should sing with them. they kept saying they "found a new vocalist!"...but i'm not sure. soon, they'll start to see that the songs i do aren't their type. and i don't know if they're prepared to change their style a little.

i'm home early this friday. i'm tired shitless.

i'm glad i'm home. home alone with my dad. it's been a while since we were the only two people around.

so much to write about...but now's not the time.

i need to be alone.

so please let me be.

last night, i cried.

i cried because i felt a part of me has been lost forever.

somewhere in my heart, there's an empty space.

and it just feels like that void was never meant to be filled.

how stupid was i to think it could be.

i'm better now, i think.

i'm starting to accept that this is just the way i am.

sure, i'm learning to be me...but that doesn't mean i will stop raging against conventions.

i make the rules.

and when i start playing out my own rules...

you will find, in the next few days, how my blogs will sort of mirror those in beginning march.

except that this time around, i'm not sure if the ending will be similar.

again, i'm in immense pain. not physically, but emotionally.

i don't know what's causing such pain though.

perhaps it's because i know some people don't actually mean their verbal expressions of affection.

i'd like to think otherwise, but all signs point in the same direction.

i am loved, but i don't feel it.

that's it. i'm getting myself a pint of ice cream tomorrow.

cookie: (9:38:45 PM)
u noe... bout that thing u posted on ur blog

cookie: (9:39:07 PM)
the one bout if u dont initiate our weekly meetings

cookie: (9:42:02 PM)
as for forever, i juz wanna tell you that although (maybe) it may seem that i've turned cold, it is often not the case. i'm juz not the kinda person to always go out n stuff. as u can see i'm pretty much the loner. wen i meet someone worthy(like u guys), i cast my frenship and loyalty

cookie: (9:42:09 PM)
with u guys in stone

cookie: (9:42:51 PM)
which means i will never forget nor forsake u guys no matter the distance or time between us

cookie: (9:43:11 PM)
i'll still be there for u guys whenever u guys need me.

i'm glad. co-conspirators we are...always.

a lioness senses her cubs are in danger. she rushes forward to defend them, and while fighting off the enemy, the cubs scatter in all directions.

she limps into scene with a bloody limb, and starts calling out to her cubs. for hours she roars of her pain, and worry. then, from among the tall inserts of the grassland, a little head pops out...and moves slowly towards the female.

the female, relieved to see one of her cubs, finally settles down and licks her wounds. the cub necks its mother affectionately.

in a distance, the king of the jungle arises, and roams about his territory. he had witnessed the fight. it was a fight between two females...a fight for his attention.

instead of rushing to examine his mate's pain, he wanders around, taking in the new smell...leaving the female, and cub to stand alone in the middle of the vast, foreboding field.

i chanced upon the above on discovery channel last night, before i finally turned in.

it got me thinking that if us humans really possessed wild, animalistic instincts, as studies say we do...(well, subconsciously anyways), then fidelity isn't in our blood, is it?

and if that's the case, then anyone who could remain true to one partner for his lifetime would be someone to be revered; respected.

i've always wondered where the idea of marriage, and monogamy, came from.

don't get me wrong, i would never think of cheating on someone i go out with...hmm...now wait a minute. why wouldn't i?

is it in everyone's make-up to adhere to the principles monogamy? who started this whole "THE ONE" thing?

who made it taboo to be a bigamist, a cheater, or a mistress? who decided that the word "mistress" meant "kept woman"?

all these characters are imposed upon people who, supposedly, have low morals...but as determined by who, or what?

it is painful to live in a world where people feel the need to conform, just because society deems such characters to be immoral, and the contrary to be ideal.

both generation x- and y-ers are consumed with the thought of individualism. but most times, they, too, place tags above those they meet and frown, or shake their perfect little heads in disapproval.

how, then, could they consider themselves unique individuals?

they already have ideals of individualism. they stand up for what's right.

their idea of a perfect world...is already cast in stone.

man...check out the time on this.

i found out it really isn't just relationships that need that "last ditch" effort. you know the kinda thing you do when it's falling apart?

friendships and such are the same thing.

and for someone like me, who hardly ever calls someone a friend unless i totally feel that the person is trustworthy, it's especially hard.

there are just some things that can't be saved, i suppose.

i tried...many times. i dare say i've put a whole lot of myself into this friendship. but alas, i think i've got to just let it be.

i'm tired of being the only one who gels everyone together. it's about time someone else took over while i concentrate on my job.

remember the first time i said that four-letter word and i walked away in tears, just because it took me a lot of pride to say it?

just a while back, i thought i was fine with it...because you made me open up, and gave me the strength to repeat that word over.

but today, at this moment, i dread hearing, or even reading the word.

because i know i wouldn't mean it when i say it to you.

good morning serene.

on my way to the seminar yesterday, a guy joshua called me.

without going into the details of the call, the following transpired between us:

"your scouts are really lucky to have you. you're a great role model." - him

"well, i hope so. they are really special to me, and i hope that with right guidance and direction, they'd be able to become the unique individuals i already know they are." - me

"serene, if anyone could do it, it'd be you." - him

man...i almost forgot how i felt about these boys. i just can't wait to see them again during tomorrow's big walk. i just hope they'd be a little more receptive towards me...but yeah, rome wasn't built in a day.

this month marks a year since i officially joined ycsog. it's been helluva ride, especially for the last six months.

my boys have become an integral part of my life...and that's purely because i know that i can help make their lives better. i want to teach them that nothing, absolutely nothing, is impossible. and i am the perfect example...if you read my previous blogs, you'd know what went on in the recent weeks. it's nothing short of a voyeur's dream.

just a couple of months ago, i never even thought i'd get here. now i have. and i'm pretty sure, with the right moves and attitude, i'd be where i want to be in 5 years, or maybe, less. i don't know. but by the time i realize that immediate goal, i may find it totally pointless then...haha.

i just realized last night, and right after penning down the above...that I AM, indeed...

INSPIRATION PERSONIFIED.

well, i could be.

the papers of late have been hyping about BYJ, the korean movie/tv soap star who's a fave among the "aunty" crowd. so people call him the "auntie-killer".

last night, i earned myself the nickname of "uncle-killer"...haha. it wasn't something that i had planned on, but oh well.

picture this:

you're standing at the reception as the last of the crowd is waiting for the lift to the ground floor. then someone comes up to you and asks "are you serene from phonecast?" and when you say yes, he goes on to tell his friends and seconds later, you find yourself surrounded by quite the group of geezers...plus, a couple of young ones.

it was already nearing half past 10, so imagine how surprised i was when they still stood around to talk to me. this old guy even suggested tips for me to improve my speaking and such!

so yes...although the seminar last night was a drag, the post-seminar happening was quite interesting. and it was a rather refreshing thing.

i don't know how i could ever get used to something like that, but i'm open to the idea.

i guess this is what happens when you "sell the personality", instead of the product. bleah.

"now don't you feel like a star?" - liling of SIASR

"not really. not now, anyways." - me

but i suppose that's gonna change soon, ain't it?

i think i'm running on an overload of something.

i just seem to have boundless energy these days...running around, not feeling a need to take a nap...what a difference!

but this worries me, because this was how i was before i started getting all down and out, and fell sick at the same time.

you know...most times, people seem like they appreciate my advice. but seriously, they're just spitting venom at me behind my back. so i don't know if i should still be offering advice to those.

on that note, i have stopped jabbering on and on for quite a while now. and while people think it's quite a change, they get really uneasy if i'm "too quiet".

they think something's wrong.

and i guess something could be. i'm sorta losing my drive to make myself heard.

it kinda seems pointless to speak when it comes to relationships and scouts.

those people just switch off anyways.

after all, i've never been in a relationship (so why the hell listen to me?!) and i've got no scouting knowledge (ditto the comment in front).

wonder if i should stop putting so much of my emotions into these things...if people don't appreciate them anyways.

i never bother with people i hate, that's why the lady is a tramp.

get this: i scored myself a media pass to the global brand forum.

and i know most of you would find it ridiculous for me to get THIS excited...but wait till you hear who's speaking.

Ex-mayor of New York City Rudolph Guliani.

man...tell me the mention of his name doesn't already get you excited. i've admired this guy since pre-911 days. if i ever admitted to having a role model, it would be him...oops. he hides a whole history of pain behind that perpetual smile that's stuck on his face...yet, he's still as genuine as ever. of course, it's just my perception outta everything i got from the ever-exaggerating media...but well, he's da man.

and i hope (and keeping every finger i have crossed over one another...and toes as well) i'd be able to score an interview with him.

i remember when i was in my first year of poly, i heard one of the third years had gotten an interview with SM Lee...and though i wasn't particularly interested in interviewing him anyways then, i thought that it was a rather impressive feat in itself.

Director of The Godfather Francis Ford Coppola.

come on. it's every film student's dream to meet the guy. he's the one person who's brought the new york mafia out onto the big screen. his reputation precedes him. it's like, he's done so many films post-The Godfather, but that's the one that people remember him for.

i'm sure both him and rudy have extremely strong presence...and i'd just like to bask in that presence for a while. hopefully, some of that would rub off on me...haha.

SIA CEO Chew Choon Seng

he's from SIA. need i say more?

so these three guys are the headliners of the forum.

i know...you're thinking "if you so wanted to go anyways, why not pay for it?"

oh believe me, i was prepared to...that is, until i saw how much i'd have to pay.

4000 bucks for two days.

imagine that.

i just hope that if this whole thing does go through, and i manage to score a couple of interviews or even attend the press briefing, my bosses would let me off for those two days.

it would certainly be an experience.

'nuff said for now.

it dawned on me again today, that i have a lagging train of thought.

something that mark said last wednesday, had triggered a whole slew of memories...and i finally found the will to pen them down...today. and still, after a couple of lines, i simply couldn't continue. the funniest thing is: i don't think i'll ever get on with my life just fine if i don't get those thoughts down on paper and get it to him. it really isn't that big of a deal (no worries Angus), but it'll just keep bugging me.

in my last blog (or some semblance of one), elm mentioned how i seem to have become stronger.

she's right.

the past couple of weeks, my patience and will have been tested...many times over. but i've never once thought of how "bad" i'm having it. no matter how fucked up i felt inside and how much i cried at home, i was still able to go out and face the world with a face free of tear-stains and a sparkling smile...a genuine one at that.

today, mark looked at me a couple of times and turned to angus and said "look, she's beaming!"

it's weird, but check out the time on this blog. it's now five past midnight, and i'm still fresh as morning dew. and i'm to wake up in a few hours! how the hell i managed to get through today (without even a catnap) is fucking unbelievable!

apart from my energy level, a couple of other things make today memorable.

eng hai invited me to something he's hosting this thursday night for a hundred and twenty. i don't know if he invited me to make up the numbers, but hell...he obviously likes me enough to invite me anyways. heh. he's a fantastic interviewee, by the way. and he's a star.

baby's exams ended today. and i know i oughta be as excited as he is, but some of what elm said may be true...i'm drifting away. as much as he'd try to deny it, i'm certain our bond isn't that strong anymore...and surprisingly, that doesn't affect me as much as i thought it would. obviously, i got a sudden twitch when he, once again, declined to have me do something for him...this time on his birthday, but i was okay after that. if he wants to stay at home and pig out...so be it.

after all, i'm the big sis...not the girlfriend. girlfriends always hold a different place.

i hate the above line, but i'm gonna leave it there. one of my random ramblings.

raymond. ah...raymond. always thinking i'm out to get him. getting all defensive when i made an innocent comment. have our relations been strained to such levels? i'd like to think that we've gone past all that childish shit. i'd like to think you've gone past all that crap. i think you're beginning to, really.

you know...with everyone who's been pissing me off, i really should be more jaded. oddly enough, i ain't.

raymond's still a brother. i don't expect him to look upon me as a big sis like the rest of the sstt does, but i hope he's realized i ain't that bitchy, really.

anyways...had a long talk with the bosses today. wasn't sure if it was a good idea, but i'm glad that's over and done with.

don't worry guys, it's my baby too. i'll stick with you for as long as it takes.

i'm beginning to worry about the emotion i'm putting into everything i'm doing. the scouts have tested my emotional patience, and that's taken a beating. so...i don't know.

i can feel my profile heightening slowly, but surely. i'm starting to get to the people who never knew i existed. the world is just starting to get a feel of me...inspiration personified. but...

in an odd sense, i feel myself retreating even further.

one of the first few pictures of elm and i.

this was taken on the 14th of february...



elm: (9:46:56 PM)
sis..

elm: (9:47:08 PM)
i think u've grown stronger... i dun know why.... just felt so..

me: (9:47:25 PM)
haha...you feel it too? i don't know why...

elm: (9:47:32 PM)
but..

elm: (9:47:33 PM)
as a girl..

elm: (9:47:40 PM)
i think it's more on the surface part...

me: (9:47:51 PM)
like...i've mellowed down...

me: (9:47:57 PM)
how do you mean?

elm: (9:48:47 PM)
i mean..

elm: (9:49:05 PM)
i still believe u cry at night alone when u cant take the i dunoe wad... wadever u are feeling inside i sld say...

elm: (9:49:18 PM)
but... ur inner thoughts seem stronger..

elm: (9:49:21 PM)
u look stronger too..

me: (9:49:43 PM)
yeah...stress always gets to everyone...no matter how strong they are...haha

elm: (9:50:16 PM)
jus that..

elm: (9:50:24 PM)
feel that my sis grown stronger lo..

elm: (9:50:25 PM)
dunoe why..

elm: (9:50:32 PM)
esp thru' ur blogs..

me: (9:50:33 PM)
yeah...i get what you mean...

elm: (9:51:06 PM)
the things u say.. like... u are like that strong gal i used to know... able to venture the world alone...

elm: (9:51:32 PM)
but.. jie...

me: (9:51:35 PM)
yeah?

elm: (9:51:36 PM)
they sounded scary too..

me: (9:51:48 PM)
like which one?

elm: (9:51:50 PM)
i scared someday, one day u'll just leave us...

elm: (9:51:51 PM)
dunoe..

(serene's comments:

nah...that'll never happen.

how could family ever leave one another?)

and now...for the finale...:

elm: (10:25:49 PM)
muaCk~
i know i dun show it out la...
but.. just wanna tell u.. elmo loves you.. =)

a scene revisited
she looks out to sea

a gentle frown
speaks of her confusion

she turns to me
when i call her name

caught between a smile
and clear wonder

i snap the picture
she turns back to take it all in

i look into her eyes
and even though it's just a picture
they seem to speak to me

have i been here before?

cookie disappeared today.

i know he's just feeling all slumpy...and there really ain't much we can do.

i just hope he snaps out of it soon.

a week ago, i was so looking forward to the big walk. now, i'm just neutral.

i think we're all drifting apart.

and i wonder what would happen if i stopped initiating regular outings...

i realize i'm not losing the sense to feel...rather, i'm moderating my feelings. i surprised myself by sounding matter-of-factly and calm, when i told him that his condescending tone irks me. woah.

don't mess wit me...*evil grin*

i felt all weary this morning, even as i stepped into the scout den.

that's never happened to me before.

i guess everyone could tell that i wasn't myself as i described my challenge for the boys. i was feeling really excited about the entire thing but my energy level didn't do justice to me.

in any case, i've got a smashing good race to run, and that should set the stage for a good 5th of June...even if i don't go for the auditions after all.

a fleeting thought: let's just get this audition nonsense out of the way and decide, once and for all, that i shall not go.

but something seems to be going against that thought, and trying to change my mind.

anyways, weirdness happened today.

someone apologized to me for being an MCP, even when i hadn't explicitly pointed that out in our correspondence. it sure was refreshing to hear him facing up to being "an elitist". at that point, i kinda realized that all three of us were kinda alike...but knowing how i'd feel if someone were to tell me how alike "we" were (being some sort of an "elitist" myself)...i chose not to mentioned it. after all, if you feel you're so special anyways, you'd probably feel offended having someone else tell you you two are alike.

i read through my comments on his proposal again, and saw how my age played a very huge part in my comments.

whatever i wrote, i wrote with the boys in mind. i started each sentence with "my boys..." and ended many with "...how they would feel".

i wonder if i only developed that recently, or have only just became conscious of my affinity to these kids.

i think i'm beginning to gain some steel. i'm beginning to wonder "how" before inking everything down. and that's why...i'm beginning to get under the wind's skin.

but my profile will not change. i'm still a star...i think.

man...am i tired or what?

check out the time on this one...and i still haven't turned in. guess i've passed the hour.

so before i go make the futile attempt to get some shut-eye, a little update.

BREAKING NEWS!

my dad's term at my primary school's school advisory committee is almost up, and he's handing the position down to me. according to him, so are the other members...haha...so this makes me a hereditary peer? geez...honorary treasurer. dang. now i gotta do all those obligatory school visits, dinners, sports days and such...but hey, should be fun eh?

and now, on to other news...

once people found out i decided not to head for singapore idol after all, many tried to change my mind. i received so many smses, if not phonecalls, egging me on to "go for it". they think it's "such a waste" if i don't even try.

i truly appreciate their faith in me.

frankly, that's all i need. their faith. nothing else really matters...then again, would i be letting them down by not going?

mingli said "no matter what, promise me you'll give it a shot okay?"

and i'm like...well, i don't really remember how i responded.

even someone like johann, who's been outta my life for eons, smsed me to tell me to go for the auditions. imagine...this guy whom i've been avoiding forever...sigh.

thanks for everything guys. i feel extremely privileged to have sung for you.

i had a light bulb moment today, and i was ecstatic for a while...

everything i've tried to dig out to inspire me...watching the boys' footdrill training, sitting in on lessons...i found absolutely nothing, then.

today, whie standing in the crowded NEL train with jim brickman's piano solo playing in my ears...

IT HIT ME.

it was all there! everything i was trying so hard to look out for...it was right under my nose and i failed to see it! i was too busy waiting for something "special" to happen that i overlooked the fact that THEY are that something special.

my boys are special. and that's why i'm still there.

that's it! that's my story!

my entire search for inspiration within inspiration.

i'm glad it hit me now. i kinda need it.

a couple of minutes shouldn't make a difference.

after all, i've been up for most of the day...waiting and waiting for people to call me back.

even when i try to get home early to rest, it's like i'm not meant to even get to chill out. what's worse is, instead of being ultra-productive at home, i was hanging by the phone.

damn it...i really should've read tai tong's proposal today.

the only good thing outta today was that i finished my work early, and managed to catch american idol with my brother and dad. now that's something i miss doing. i wish i could do that every weeknight...watch the news with them or something.

i think i've made up my mind.

as much as i want to go for the competition, i realize it'd be more productive for me to stay with the boys. besides, running around the cbd would definitely be more interesting than waiting in line and listening to bitchy talk from the other people in the queue.

everything in its time, serene. if it's meant to be, it'll happen. sometime.

you know...the above sentence totally contradicts what i've been telling people.

"fate can only take you so far. the rest is really up to you."

i just got off the phone with my aunt from the US. she got really excited upon hearing that i may (just may) fly over for a bit and come down with her and the kids. obviously, i told her not to get her hopes too high up there cuz i would most probably not be able to.

you know...that's how it is with me. i get my hopes way too high, and when it falls through, i get utterly crushed.

so, for my scouts at least, i'm just gonna try to let them be. i will try not to get too disappointed. but i hope they'll surprise me one day all the same. sigh...a person can dream, can't she?

anyways...someone asked if my parents knew how hard i was working. i said they probably don't. because they think that when i ain't at home, i'm out having fun... and...i'd rather not tell them every single thing i was doing cuz they'd either 1) get extremely worried or 2) say that i'm exaggerating.

the only reason i'm working so hard now is because of the two guys i work with. sure, i love my work...but no matter how much a person loves what she does, she'll need a break sometime. i work hard for these two guys simply because i don't want to disappoint them. they are such role models to me...and to be able to work with such fantastic mentors...i guess no words can express my gratitude towards these two.

but again...i feel really stupid when i cry because of stress because i know i shouldn't, not when i'm working with these two.

i guess there's something wrong with me then.

why am i so unhappy with myself these days?

sigh...so many questions...so little time to even ponder anymore.

whatever happened to the serene with dreams unlimited?

i'm sorry ycsog...i ain't able to give you what i promised. in fact, i guess my promises so far have been empty.

i'm supposed to be an inspiration to the kids.

i suppose i can still try...

haha...i know what you guys will say...that all these nonsense will go away once i get a good break.

perhaps. maybe these'll all fade into the background for a bit...but rather than blending in completely, they'd be embossed...and their imprints will still be obvious.

weekends used to be welcomed. i dread this weekend, because of the amount of work that needs to be done, and people that i need to speak to.

it wouldn't be so tough if it were a weekday. at least i wouldn't expect to be resting.

at least...i wouldn't feel guilty about working...like

clockwork.

the space between
transcends all time
purgatory reigns

it's where i stand
caught up in the mess
of jade and lovelessness

i yearn to love
yet when love presents itself
i turn away

how can i write so about love
when i haven't been in...

it befuddles the senses
it's stronger than your pride
it can't lie

slowly, but surely
it creeps under your skin
and you won't know what hit you

so here i conclude
that we are all in love

hyde may keep telling us we're not
but we should know better
than to let hyde tell us what we are

let your love shine through
for that's when i would be able to capture the magic within
to do what i do best...

write.

so go on...
inspire me
why don't you?

i forgot.

i still have to begin writing the musical.

and no, i ain't in love with someone.

i'm just stating what most tv serials are portraying now...which i happen to think is rather true.

the heart is a wonder, isn't it?

you can't control who you love, even when you know it's wrong.

you just can't.

finally, slumber takes over for the next few hours...

there are so many...so many thoughts that're gushing through my mind right now.

ironically, the influx of different scenes playing out came when i had a typical channel 8 drama playing in the background while typing.

now, waiting for terence's report to come in, i finally get a chance to write this.

frankly though, i can't grasp the root subject...my life's been sorta turned upside down for a bit, and after watching those scenes from the drama serial (which i hardly ever do, by the way), i feel pained...yet ready to take on the world again.

often, i get really depressed because i feel i've been slacking. the depression makes me take on more work, and while i lament doing all that, i feel more productive at the same time. but because i take on that much more, i sink further. i cry for nights at a time and the one thing that's totally unpredictable is how i snap out of it. if i had an antidote for yanking myself outta my downside, you'd bet i'll milk it to its fullest. but i really don't know what gets me out of that state...everytime.

it could be waking up to the refrains james ingram's "you to me are everything" or hearing corrinne may singing "cuz now i'm gonna give love a try...". it could be walking down chinatown, on my way to work, and realizing that people do turn to look. or...it could simply be baby waving at me by his kitchen window...

i can't say that i'm terribly stressed out right now...and with the amount of things that're on my hands...i don't know.

you tell me if i should be feeling unproductive.

here's what i have to do by saturday:

1) call two people to arrange meetings and meet up with them sometime within the week

2) try to score an interview with a ceo and go for that

3) design a banner

4) translate some text from english to mandarin for the banner

5) voice add-ons and compile two cds for a seminar

6) read and comment on taitong's proposal for the scout unit for sunday's meeting (PRIORITY cuz i've been putting it off for three weeks now...)

7) do up a proposal for my program with the scouts during their weekend camp (2nd PRIORITY cuz the meeting's this sunday as well...)

8) get my english and mandarin content down pat...(okay...this is a no brainer.)

these are goals i set for myself...and yes, i know it looks crazy.

i seriously feel so caught up in everything else but myself, and for many, this might be a good thing. but i realize i have a problem with self-esteem, and i do need to be able to feel worthy sometimes.

please don't feel like you need to talk to me about the stuff i'm writing here. these are the times i'd like to sort things out by myself. and i know you're worried...but...this is gonna make me stronger. honest.

there is yet another thing i realized today. the singapore idol auditions are on the 5th of June. the scouts weekend camp starts on the 5th of June as well. i have a program with the scouts then. there's the conflict.

i tried hard to overcome whatever pride i have about doing the auditions. i almost did it. i even got my friend to agree to stay overnight at my place the night before so we could go down early the next morning to camp out for the rest of the day.

now, i'm stuck in the middle. music is my life. i'd love to sing for people. i'd love for even one more person to hear me sing. i've come a long way...from the time i kept my voice only to myself.

but...i made a committment. and that promise, i know i cannot break.

there are things i want to do for myself. then there are things i know i need to do for others.

i guess...you know what my choice will be.

some things will just have to wait.

if things were that simple, i wouldn't be tearing right now.

it's much easier than i thought it would be...coping with not seeing my baby, and the rest of the sstt.

i'm so in the mode that even when he said that he'd let me know tomorrow if we could meet for a while, i said to forget about it.

the oddest thing is...when he tells me he loves me and misses me, i feel close to...

NOTHING.

and that scares the hell outta me.

isn't absence supposed to make the heart grow fonder? or would it be "out of sight, out of mind" in my case?

baby baby...i hope we'll still be as close when we meet two weeks later. We won't have seen each other for a month, and that's something.

these days, i feel so caught up in my own world that i almost feel guilty for not seeing how the rest are doing.

this saturday, i'm gonna head down to the esplanade and get myself some inspiration. or at least something for me to fill the elders in on sunday. i'm quite fucked up. it's not that i don't have ideas...but they're just not big enough...

i really am losing my ability to feel. sigh.

on the flip side, i do feel an ache if he doesn't msg me to tell me he's doing okay.

that ain't so bad now, is it?

last night was da bomb...but it also reminded me how much i love doing outdoor events.

i may not be 'lil miss sunshine, but hey, i make a pretty good host for fun event under the sun!

corporate, indoor stuff just ain't my thing, but apparently, i didn't do too badly either.

so anyways...mom barged into my room earlier to tell me that i could download the singapore idol contest form from the mediacorp website. man...i really don't know if i wanna do this. when i asked jas (DP) what he thought about singapore idol, he pushed me to enter too...saying that i've got everything to gain...

i'd love to sing for people. but crowds and such bitchy competition ain't my thing again. i'd hate to queue up for shit like this...sigh. why do i have to try so hard even to share something i love?

my voice has always been personal to me. it's taken me a lot to share it. and the one time i shared it with a varied crowd from over 22 countries, many came up to tell me that i had a gift...and that it would bring joy to a lot of people. that was what made me overcome my feeling of inadequacy.

i love to sing.

and i want to share it someday.

help me make my dream come true.

be my inspiration.

a break is good.

but i'm not sure why i still speak with a quiver, walk with a wobble and...i don't know.

i guess it's the medication that's playing tricks on me.

ernie dropped by to visit for a bit.

and no matter how much of a fool he is at times, he sure is some kinda wonderful.

thanks for the hug, ernie.

that sure made up for the lack of 'em for the past two weeks.

i have been asked to take tomorrow off.

relief.

'nuff said.

i've fucked up, yet again.

is this a sign of an impending burn-out?

god forbid...and you know i'd never admit to "burning out".

i walked to the clinic just opposite yangzheng to find that it was shut for labor day (hell i should've expected that).

while walking back it started to drizzle...so yes, i got rained on.

i got home and started screwing things up...work things.

for once, i had no energy nor had i any reason to refute what mark was saying.

i was in the wrong.

and it was really bad...i mean...here i am, having breathing problems and having to go to the doc's and back without even seeing the doc. then i come back and, thinking that the server was back to normal and i could get things going, sent out all those smses. turns out the server wasn't okay...and people probably couldn't call in...and so, i fucked up.

i swallowed my pride and admitted my mistake.

then angus asks me to take a rest. and rest i did. for about three hours plus i rested. and i still feel as horrible. i can probably only go see the doc tomorrow.

mom just asked if i wanted to go out to dinner with them...and i just broke down. i told her i was too weak to even go out now...and after everything that's happened today and what's NOT about to happen, i'm so not in the mood.

again, she gave me the kinda face that said "when you're home, you don't even want to spend time with us".

yes mom, i am selfish and don't spend enough time with you guys.

but understand that i'm often out working...and not having a jolly good time with friends.

you know...i'm tired of even defending myself now.

i'm in the wrong. go on and blame everything on me.

a person doesn't have to look and sound sick to be sick.

she could be a good actor.

i've decided to stop blogging on the pc...so my darling mac would be the one to fulfill all my surfing and messenger needs.

my mac's a classic as well, so that means no fancy fonts and all on my blog.

so with that out of the way, i shall begin to try to spell out the barrage of thoughts that's clouding my little brain.

essentially, the past week was hellish...not because i had to work almost around the clock, but because i was sick. am sick. whatever. i still have to work over the weekend, but at least i can get to rest a little before spending the late afternoon and beyond on my chinese reports.

speaking of chinese, i haven't yet gotten the minutes printed out for the group council meeting tomorrow...which i'll probably not be able to attend anyways...sigh. i think the elders are so gonna lose confidence in me.

i'm extremely tired. physically, i'm still able to hold up...even though i have problems walking at the usual speed i do. it's just that my head's so heavy from mentally flipping through that filofax in there. i have many many things to do. and i know angus and mark are wondering why the hell i'm stressing so much and why i can't rearrange my timings and such so i get enough rest. problem is...the things are all placed back to back, so even if i do rearrange some things, i'll still be working through the day...or late night anyways. no diff. thank god earnings season is coming to an end. and, by the way, the chinese content is a lot of work. and that's one of the major reasons i'm stressing out. because aside from doing the normal daily interviews and initial reports in english, i'm struggling to get the chinese ones done...and given my weak command of the language (even though i'm still better than terence), i'm taking helluva long time to even translate one.

so yes...i'm glad the picnic this weekend is off. because this entire weekend is to be devoted to getting the chinese ones done. and monday...sigh...monday, i'll have to voice and conduct four chinese interviews with terence. i don't know how i'll perform at the launch...sigh.

guys, i know you told me not to work myself out and to pace myself. but if you know me (as i think you do), you'd know that this is the only way i can tell myself that i'm doing my job well. from the supposed four hours a day to what i'm doing now...it's a far cry. but if i don't put in all i can, and do whatever i can to build up my credibility and presence right now, things are gonna be way tougher when i go full-time...which, i hope, wouldn't be too different from now. because what scares the shit outta me is the thought of me drawing a full-time pay and doing a lot more. i'm such a perfectionist, guys. i hate to be this way but i am...

i haven't been to scout meetings for two weeks now, and i can't help but feel guilty for not being there. i couldn't even go to the district meeting last night...when i had promised i would attend.

okay...enough of griping.

now for those random thoughts ya'll love to read so much...haha.

yesterday, while taking a breather before reading up on singapore computer systems, i chanced upon oprah on star world. and there was a story that really touched me.

there's gonna be a movie called "radio" out soon, starring cuba gooding jr. yes, the "show me the money!" guy. the story's about how this boy who's mentally retarded with a fragile x syndrome is brought into the team by a high school football coach.

that isn't the touching part.

oprah featured the story of a boy called jake, who has this fragile x syndrome. this high school football coach brings jake into the team...and while jake couldn't play at any games, he'd never fail to suit up and support his teammates. the team got into the finals. and the coaches from both teams...they decided to fulfill jake's dream and let jake play the final seconds. the score was a tie then. jake gets the ball and the teams' players just parted for him to run all the way to...touchdown. you see, both teams wanted to win, but they thought jake was more important.

that seriously brought a tear to my eye...watching jake score the touchdown.

so anyways...there was this guy who caught my eye on the train last morning. he wasn't good looking or anything like that, but, get this: he was wearing scooby doo socks! i know it sounds weird, but i spent the entire train ride staring at his socks. so yeah.

someone just gave me a call and asked me out for a drink. i told him that i'm awfully busy this weekend. then that brought back the headache, and i, again, ran through all the stuff i have to get done by the weekend, or by today.

so please, do me a favor. don't ask me out this weekend. in fact, don't even call to ask how i am. you'll hear no end of it and my headache will become permanent.

in fact, please don't ask me out next week as well.

i'm tired of explaining how busy i am. and i'm tired of hearing people say "i know how you feel" because they don't. they can try to understand, but they don't know how i feel.

i sense a replay of the period i came back from the US after my camp...when i narrated my experiences and no one believed it could get that bad.

similarly, if you ain't in my shoes at this moment, you wouldn't believe how bad things are.

can you believe that there are people who actually told me "oh come on, it can't be that bad!"

it tore me apart.

who am i kidding?

how could i ever think i'd have an early night today?

it's almost midnight and i've just finished my last report.

i had so wanted to turn off my computers and head for bed after finishing off the earnings reviews...i did three and voiced all of them. and that was already about 2230hours.

then soon tong tells me he just sent his report.

i sighed and debated if i should just do it in the morning.

in the end, i still kept myself running till now.

it's amusing...how i was crying while typing out the last report...trying hard to concentrate with those tears streaming down my face. i tried so hard to stop because i still needed to voice it...

i guess tonight's another sleepless night.

sleepless because...i'll be crying.

i'm extremely tired...upset...stressed.

and oh...did i mention that i'm sick?

how can i interview the SCS CEO in my state tomorrow...tomorrow will be an early morning all the way through to the evening...then work again till late at night to get the interview ready for release the next morning...then script and worry about the chinese service...

i'm turning into sheep.

tired as i was, i willed myself to walk to the pool. i knew that once i was halfway there, i'd be too bummed to walk back home without at least swimming a few.

rest eluded me last night...and i suppose it'll be the same tonight as well.

those 20 laps i did today provided temporary relief. i would've pushed myself to do 10 more, 'cept that the pool was getting increasingly crowded.

as i settle down to write this and, at the same time, look through possible news stories on my mac to cover for the morning, the fatigue sets in.

i need rest.

but today won't be it.

this week won't be it.

then again, next week wouldn't be it either.

this takes the cake.

i've been working for almost 19 hours straight.

my eyes and brain need a break...but they won't be able to break for long.

i gotta be up in 4 hours.

this is ridiculous.

fatigue hasn't quite set in yet, but it's about to.

let me specify that. i'm about to be mentally fatigued.

perhaps its the stress of the onslaught of things to come in the course of the week that's making me feel so. or is it just my mind playing tricks on me? and that there really isn't that much to do? man...once next tuesday's over, i seriously need a break.

my working hours are a blur. it seems like i'm constantly at work... i know i know...when you love what you do, you don't feel like you're working. but when you spend a huge part of your afternoon (which is your supposed rest time) trying to clear up work so that you can get to bed earlier (which is a freakin' illusion anyways), you gotta wonder: what am i doing?

weeknights never end before 1am, so i reckon i get, at best, five plus hours of sleep...which isn't such a bad deal. but on days when you've got so much on your mind, and there's only so many things you can do in the hours you are awake, sleep is something you yearn...and five hourse just doesn't seem to be enough.

the weekends aren't any different really.

geez...i'm fucking whiney.

my head's about to explode, and thank god the analyst has just sent me his majorly long-winded issue for tomorrow.

i know this is just the beginning...but man, i feel like i'm on the verge of...no no...i don't believe in that.

work beckons. and i'm a good journalist.

bite me.

and ernie, i don't mean you...

sunday came and went...slow.

i did up my market preview while the rovers were banging their heads on the tables, deciding what the scouts' weekend camp should be like. luckily for me, ernie remembers that i'd like a session with them as well, and allocated three hours for me to run an activity for them.

i don't know how many times baby and i exchange "i love you"s in a day.

went to uncle's place today to return his md recorder...and he asked if baby still wanted his help for a-maths. i told him baby's pulled his socks up, and is doing much better now. true enough...baby's looking forward to his a-maths test results tomorrow! i'm so proud of him...

i feel a strange exhilaration...in anticipation of the week (and mayhem) to come.

i guess apart from tomorrow, when i'll meet with the bosses, the rest of the week will be filled with media briefings and a couple of interviews. it'll be helluva week, but i sure am up for it!

sitting around the table with a few leaders from serangoon district, we realized we are all single! and i realized i've at least got some semblance of a social life compared to those guys...and that's odd, because i already think my life's consumed by work and scouts. those guys are so tied down by scouting events and such that...i'm just thinking...if they ain't got scouting achievements and recognition no more, they'd probably be devastated. sure, they complain about not having a life and all, but if one day, headquarters find some other people to be their lackeys, these current ones will probably fall into depression. because without scouting, they're nobody. at least that's what i think they'll feel if that ever happens.

geez...they even joked about forming a "singles" chapter! to which i commented isn't a bad idea at all...because if they're so gung-ho about scouting enough to not have a life, then they'd be more likely to do stuff formed by a group of scout singles than they would with non-scouts... just a thought. i'm rambling again.

there weren't any hugs and kisses today, but plenty of smiles and sights of waves.

and that ain't bad at all.

today reminded me of the stuff yen and i talked about in the cab wednesday night.

she told me that the people who read my blog are usually very worried about me, because although i insist that it's "just writing", the words are poignant enough to hit home. she's right, i guess. my writing may not be prose or such, but i don't know...i guess the people who do read this are those who kinda know what i've been through, and so, know which words or lines to read between.

i also talked to her about grover, and how special he is to me. after all that i said, she told me that it's hard to understand our relationship. it's like...our feelings for each other are so strong that it could even surpass those of a normal romantic one. i told her i found our bond slightly unsettlling as well at first, but wrote it off as an unconditional sorta love later. i call this an unconditional love because i still don't understand it. i'm sure everyone else around us doesn't understand it either. the most innocent party though...could. maybe.

so baby, if you know what this is about, tell sis okay?

this afternoon, grover smsed that he didn't know what to wear to meet us. after i told him to just "wear anything" but make sure he wouldn't feel cold in the cinema, he smsed back.

"baby wanted to say even if i am cold in the cinema, i will still have jie to keep me warm ;)"

it truly warmed my heart...that sms.

then angus asks if i'd "convince him that going out with an older woman isn't so bad" after he grows up...man, i got such a shock from him even mentioning it. i kept shaking my head and saying "i'm not that sorta person"...and he just grinned.

on hindsight, it's probably a good sign that i had such a violent reaction.

this proves that he truly is my precious baby brother.

no matter how turbulent the week may be, the moment he calls me "jie", everything comes to a standstill...for a while. i take a deep breath, hold on to the moment, before i go on with the daily rush.

today was good. but i also get the feeling that today is the last day i'd have grover sleeping with his head on my shoulder like that...for a long time to come. the next two weeks will be total mayhem for the lot of us...and while i'm looking forward to keeping myself busy, i also realize that i'm looking forward to that partially because i wouldn't have time to myself to think too much.

in essence, i would be too busy to miss my baby's hugs...elmo's laughter...cookie's witty reparte...ernie's cheeky grin...big bird's attempts at making me smile...

i'm thinking too much again, aren't i?

sweet innocence kissed me on my cheek today. many, many times.

it's madness, i tell you.

i've been working for two days straight, with five hours of sleep stuffed in between and 40 laps sneaked in. how i managed to hang on till now is truly amazing. i think the thing that's kept me going is passion.

for two days straight, i've attended analyst briefings...networked...goofed up in front of all those who knew each other. but it was sorta interesting to be back in the game like that. i ain't a newbie, but it's been awhile since i attended such stuff on a regular basis...make that DAILY.

friday nights were usually chill time. but i guess starting from today, it ain't gonna be.

i just spent the past few hours poring through the copious amounts of information from the singapore computer systems first quarter results press con, sieving through the sound bites and deciding on the crux of the feature. turns out there really isn't a crux...so i did a general overview, inviting people to write in with questions for the CEO (the one with the shiney bald patch) and CFO (the guy who's shorter than eng hai) when i meet them next week.

i can sorta picture next week...with the daily press and analyst briefings. wonder how i'll make it through the week...hmm...

i'm so so tired right now...not so much physically, but mentally rather. and that surprises me. because apart from the 40 laps split between two days and the distances i've walked in heels, i should be totally bummed out by now. instead, i'm still sitting here, typing (albeit "clockworking") and waiting for baby to come home.

by the way, i managed to hold someone's gaze for quite some time today...and that's a feat in itself. by the end of the briefing, i was so mentally gone that i had to shut my eyes for a while on the train. the guy was interesting. the company was interesting. if i had the money, i'd definitely buy their products...weeee....

okay, so i'm rambling now.

baby...come home quick...sis' brain cells are disintegrating with every passing second...

today was amazing!

well actually, it went on pretty much like any other day...but hell...i feel good!

between coming home from SIASR in the later afternoon and going for the singapore computer systems press conference, i managed to squeeze in 20 laps at the pool! man i feel fantastic...and the best thing is: i think my stamina's on its way back. slow and steady does it...;) let's see if i can repeat this feat tomorrow...highly unlikely, but you never know...

the press conference reminded me of my days at newsradio, 'cept that, those days i was a tad bit younger and lacked the confidence that i think i have now. like i kept telling everyone earlier, it's a tiring day, but i've so lovin' it. i remember when i was still in school, i'd often be in awe of the big shots i'd have to interview...purely because they were CEOs of SME 500 companies and all. today, i could even speak and joke with them prior to the press conference. one thing about me that they probably saw as well...that i was, under all that professional shit, a really cheeky girl. i say that because i realize my grin gives me away. it was especially evident when eng hai told the chief financial officer that i am a "very talented girl". i think i couldn't have blushed more because i was already red from the afternoon's swim! the CEO made me laugh...haha...well, the way he looked made me laugh, rather. he had a bald patch on his head that was really shiney...and damn it, was it distracting...

bar by bar, she bends them and sneaks out...

it's odd...but i do feel like i'm just beginning to make an impact. this isn't an ego trip, and i don't need big people to get me anywhere. i will get to where i'm meant to be, just by being me... these people see something i don't, but i reckon it's something special...:)

so from today on, i'm just gonna grin my silly grin, laugh my goofy laugh and do everything else that is uniquely serene. i'm real...get that.

and oh...something else that i was thinking about on the train ride home today... again, i sat at the head of the train so i could lean against the pyrex panel for support and stare out into the tunnel. today, i found myself concentrating on the partitions in the tunnel rather than the music that was pounding my ears. the journey home seemed especially draggy then. then i realized...those days when i just shut my eyes and focussed on the music, i got home in a jiff. so that got me thinkin'...most times, we lament about our "humdrum" lives and how long our days seem to pass by. today got me thinking that perhaps those days, we feel totally off because we focus on the wrong things. so lean back, close your eyes, let the music take you...and let passion take over for a bit. you'll be surprised at how clear things'll seem after that.

because i'm worth it.

"baby loves you..."

schweetness, i tell ya. my baby loves me...;)

i've rediscovered desperado. it's done by this japanese female called emi fujita and she's fabulous! her vulnerability shines through. i hope i'll be able to carry this song the way she does...one day.

the old serene's raging to break out of those stainless steel bars...

i surprised myself by wanting to do a thousand and one things today, and tomorrow, and beyond. if i'm gonna have to build up my credibility in journalism from scratch, i might as well do it well...with a little help from my old friends from newsradio, of course.

in due time, the world will know me as i am...a driven, determined and most importantly, people-oriented journalist.

i will make myself known. mark my words.

fellas, i promise to hug you guys no matter how stinky, disgusting and sweaty i may be...and i'll expect you to do likewise!

sis loves you...

love shall keep us alive.

someone asked me a question about retirement today, and angus said something really hilarious...

"now you've got her going...you'll probably see your answer on her blog in three days!"

it's true.

this guy we both met up with today...he's one of our frequent callers with a very interesting profile.

anyways...it felt so odd when we met, because he kept saying "i finally get to meet serene".

sounds like something someone would say to a celebrity huh?

i guess i AM a reluctant star...haha.

i need to harness my strengths and work on my weaknesses.

the power of attraction. *evil grin*

clockwork.

that's how i did things today.

i need this week to regroup and rejuvenate.

hopefully, come the weekend and next week, i'll have the old me back.

the serene i miss.

the rain's been falling for three days straight.

i thought i wouldn't be drenched today but i was...horribly drenched.

i guess today marks the end of chapter 2.

today was the only day the sstt didn't hug each other when they left.

it's a sad end to this chapter, and the rain didn't help.

tomorrow marks the beginning of yet a new page in the book.

"oscar stands alone".

it's been a while since we've cried together, hasn't it?

i know we aren't leaving each other, but my heart's just consumed with an irrepressible sadness...

it's like...it's telling me that things are so gonna change after today.

i want my head to take over now.

but if it does take over...the sstt will cease to exist.

stuck in the middle again.

i love you grover...my sweetie, my baby, my jiahao. sis just needs a break...she's not leaving you.

elmie...i'm glad things are better for you...i'm missing you already.

ernie...i need your hug.

cookie...don't let the chain break.

everyone else...i just need a rest...don't worry.

i struggle to find my place
in a world filled with lies, pain and disgrace.

i cling on to the hope of salvation
in every devastation.

i carry the weight of the world upon my shoulders
because i need to.

but do i, really?

what if i can't bear the burden no more
and crumble, right there?

would they think i've...changed?

and how could i have changed
when all i ever was, was just me?

i'm beginning to function
like an emotionless being.

i just answered a message like clockwork.

and another one.

i thought my walls were peeling
but they were, in fact, reinforcing.

i wonder when i'll be able
to look in the mirror and not see a weakling; a failure.

not today, that's for sure.

why can't i experience love without falling?

why can't i let love in?

i wonder if my time is up in ycsog.

i mean...my season's over, ain't it?

no matter how much i put into things these days, i still end up feeling like i haven't done much.

then i isolate myself to think things through.

how am i going to face the sea of green tomorrow?

how am i going to face the elders and speak like i did two months ago?

i don't know.

but i'm serene, and i don't run away from such things just because i'm scared.

i will persevere...and be the leader they want me to be.

and because i have the courage to face up to these people, even when i ain't too confident of myself...

i will not tolerate anyone who puts me down.

so don't you dare.

i'm finally doing it...

i've always talked about re-grouping and all, and today, i've committed myself to taking that first step.

i'm sorry guys...you know how strong i need to be. i can't crumble.

so yes...good night world.

and good morning to a new serene.

sis needs to leave for awhile, dear sstt.

she's tired.

i'm so, so tired.

but i don't know what's wearing me out.

i went for a much-needed dip in the pool this afternoon.

it was perfect.

no kids, less than 10 people around the complex...splendid.

then i came home and started looking through the things i have to do.

i had an online conversation with someone, who totally pissed me off with his questions.

i guess i got impatient with the guy, and just told him it's pointless for me to explain further.

i started on my reports.

i tried so hard to hold back my tears...simply because i had to voice my reports later.

but when baby came on and yelled "jie jie"...i couldn't hold on anymore.

so i retreated from the conversation to concentrate on my work.

now that i've finished those...

fall away tears.

baby...

come into the light.

let me wipe the tears from your face.

let me take you into my arms.

let me love you.

it's all right to falter.

no matter how dim a star gets, it always twinkles.

you are my star.

and i'll keep you shining, if it's the last thing i do.

whistle down the wind
let your voices carry
drown out all the rain
light a patch of darkness
treacherous and scary

howl at the stars
whisper when you're sleeping
i'll be there to hold you
i'll be there to stop
the tears and all the weeping

make it clear and strong
so the whole night long
every signal that you send
until the very end
i will not abandon you my precious friend

so try and stem the tide
then you'll raise a banner
send a flare up in the sky
try to burn a torch
and try to build a bonfire

every signal that you send
until the very end
i'm there

so whistle down the wind
for i have always been

right there.

- Whistle Down the Wind

this is the first song i did for musical theater class.

this was the only song cole heard me sing.

this is one song that's close to my heart.

because this song is about friendship.

it's never meant this much to me before...

but now, i'm wishing we could all just sit around a bonfire one night, and let me sing this to you.

always know that sis is right around the corner.

all it takes is a hop and a skip.

fatigue.

it's been a while since we've met.

this time around, i won't let you take me...

and the people i love.

but should you feel the need to feed...

then yes. feed off me.

my baby brother needs to live.

leave him alone.

you stand in the rain
fighting the urge to step back in
clinging on to the hope that the sky will clear

you close your eyes
and try to embrace the rain
but it gets more torrential

you wonder if it will ever stop
and if it doesn't
will it at least cease to a drizzle

you clench your fists
willing, with every last ounce of resolve
that the patter will end

you feel a tug
and stumble backwards
drawing in a sharp breath

you feel...no more rhythmic patter
and slowly open your eyes
which are stinging from the impurities

you glance around
and as you regain your senses
feel a touch on your arm

you see an acquaintance
and you realize that it was he
who pulled you in from the rain

you get angry
and cry at his insolence
disgusted at his audacity to touch you

you watch him pull out a towel
and drapes it around your shoulders
when you realize that you're shivering

you see him walk away
with a knowing smile
leaving you to stare out at the simmering shower

you realize then
that there are some things
you just have to let go of

catch a falling star and put it in your pocket
never let it fade away
catch a falling star and put it in your pocket
save it for a rainy day...

i still can't believe how i ended up being A STAR.

even more unbelievable is how uncomfortable i am at the idea.

all right...so here's what happened in the last couple of days...

i attended this stealth wealth weekend seminar with angus (who turned out to be a star as well!) and jacqueline (who's one of the eight deal-makers in a crowd of 250!). at the end of the first day, we handed up this questionnaire we had to complete for them to help us determine our profile, which we would know the next morning.

so sunday morning, there i was, standing at the counter and waiting for my profile. the guy who passes it to me takes a peek at it, looks at me and says "interesting...". i mean...what was that supposed to mean?! then jacqueline and angus weren't as surprised when they found out. angus thought i'd be more of a creator than a star. then one guy came up, puts his arm around angus and asks, "are you saying you doubt this girl's a star?" then they all burst out into laughter.

it was odd...the whole of sunday was spent trying to come to terms with why i was "a star". so for those who don't know what i mean, here's my profile:

The Star has natural talent that others notice when it is shown. A unique personality and attributes are reason enough for people to talk about a star. Naturally extroverted, stars will be happy around others and will be quite comfortable being the center of attention. As they also think more intuitively, they will have the ability to create the identity that suits them best.

role models

Stars, naturally, are the easiest of the profiles to spot. After all, the value is in the person. Obvious stars can be found in the sports, music, film and entertainment industries. However, the highest profile CEOs, salespeople and trainers also achieved their wealth by following their natural path as a star.

The highest profile stars are across different industries, including the three Michaels: Michael Jordan, Michael Schumacher and Michael Jackson, every pop star and movie star you could name, and outside of the entertainment industry stars include Richard Branson, Bill Clinton and Anthony Robbins.

strengths and weaknesses

Stars are aware of the strength of their personality and often use this to their advantage, causing disharmony and alienation at times. As a star grows in stature, the value of their time grows, as does the demand on their time. To continue to shine brightly, however, they need to continue to deliver, which can lead to exhaustion and dissatisfaction if they have not learnt how to leverage effectively.

With the stress that comes with increased success, it is natural for a star's ego to often get the better of them. This can lead to them forgetting the winning formula that brought them their wealth, and it is all too easy ot burn out or self-destruct.

Those stars who have ignored their path have often done so because of the bad experiences they have had being in the limelight, and the responsibility that goes with it. Fallen stars have fallen often because their moments of success in the distant past led to burn-out which they somehow took to be permanent. Others have been trained not to draw attention to their natural talents, much as they secretly enjoy it. And others simply lack confidence and knowledge, so tread a careful path incognito, blissfully unaware of the simple steps they could be taking to claim their wealth.

so there you go.

do you think i'm a star? (it's a question...ANSWER IT)

i met a great deal of interesting characters at the seminar...but there were few i actually felt connected to, and felt were...
REAL.

so yes, it takes a lot to engage me.

anyways...one who struck me with his brutal honesty was this guy named robin. and this guy's the GM of toys 'r us in singapore.

it baffled me as well that two people with such different backgrounds and seemingly different personalities could get along so well.

he was bored...and he made no secret of it with his body language and lack of participation. but when i talked to the guy...i saw a spark...and we just kept talking.

rareness.

anyways...after he nominated me to speak for the table on saturday evening, i kinda got more people coming up to me to ask what i did and stuff...i don't know if they were trying to get to know me better, or if they were just interested in selling me stuff...but hell, i was hardly found sitting alone sunday.

sunday evening. as i was about to leave, this guy comes up to me and asks if i'm a star. i said yes. and as i was writing the phonecast url on my namecard, he said "yeah, you look like one." i asked what he meant by that...and he said "you have a glow...and you emanate a certain confidence."

you can imagine how stunned i was. of course, i couldn't let him see that so i just laughed it off.

i guess i still need to accept me...as a star.

right now, i'm glad that i'm a star with more of a human side...

and i hope my star qualities can help me push my scout group to greater heights, as well as continue to inspire.

I AM AN INSPIRATION.

I AM A STAR.

it's been a long two days in a row...

i'll go into detail about my interesting weekend tomorrow.

need to get some shut-eye now.

and oh...I AM A STAR.

it was a mad rush of a day...

but everything seemed to drop to a snail's pace as i was walking from cecil court to chinatown mrt.

i took the usual route but left the office slightly earlier today.

there was fella riding a bicycle in my direction. as the figure got bigger, i realized he was an old man...and there was just something odd about the way he was riding the thing. i was concentrating so hard on him that my surroundings seemed to just fade away. as he passed me, i realized...

the guy was only pedaling with one foot.

this doesn't mean he had only one foot. he had both feet, but his right was hanging limply over the right pedal.

the moving image of the old man kept playing in my head over as i continued my walk towards the mrt station.

then it dawned on me that this guy sat at the same spot every morning - right after the traffic light at south bridge road - amidst the other old geezers peddling their wares. why didn't i recognize him earlier then?

i came to the conclusion that...he wasn't meant to have caught my eye...until today.

i mean...there're people who are part of your daily living. you see them every day, work alongside them and all. so you kinda know that they exist, but you don't really know that they're there.

this old man made cycling with one leg look effortless...but judging by the glimpse of a grimace on his face, he obviously felt some pain.

this guy should be the one on the adidas advert...he'd be the epitome of perseverence and the phrase "impossible's just a word thrown about by losers"....

uncle...you're my hero. i'll try to give you a smile every time i see you...thanks for making me realize how good i have it.

as i left siasr after uploading my reports, eng hai asked if i could host the 4th of May launch...

he also quipped something that's so not eng hai...

"it's great to have you with us!"

i guess that's the kinda compliment a girl needs to get her spirits up. this girl has had a rough night, and a helluva morning as well. so yeah...for the rest of the day, she was running on the steam of eng hai's words.

i also realized that compliments can only hold you up for so long...before you sink back into what got you down in the first place.

because the commendation was made about something you know you're getting better at, not about the thing that got you down.

so yeah...i'm still a little miffed about falling down, but thanks to the bosses' faith in me and eng hai's constant positive reinforcements, i'm getting by.

and oh...angus made me realize why i kinda feel a bond with the sstt.

they reminded me of the "to hell and back" pals i had in camp new hope.

ask me about them the next time you see me if you don't already know.

this is one thing i'd love to share.

now how often does one get the opportunity to write four blogs in a day? ;)

never would i have imagined such a short week without meetings with the bosses could still turn out to be such a roller-coaster ride.

my little bro'll be spending the night as his classmate's place, polishing up their presentation for tomorrow.

my little bro won't be in the next room tonight...and that feels odd.

i won't be able to check on him before i turn in tonight...i guess an sms good night would suffice.

on the flip side, i've got a semblance of a brother right across from where i live.

he looked so peaceful holed up in the sheets earlier.

i feel for him the same way i feel for my blood brother...

in fact, it feels fantabulous to be a big sis to the few i've come to embrace.

i wish them all the best...and hope they will learn to embrace me as the person i'm evolving into.

i wish they'll grow with me.

grover baby.....you're my inspiration, and i hope you'll really treat me as your sis, instead of just saying it. let your heart do the talking. don't wait till it's too late.

elmie.....i appreciate our quiet understanding. take as much time as you need. you know i'll be around for a while.

ernie.....it's okay to falter. you don't need to feel guilty bitching...it's cathartic. thanks for your hugs.

bert.....hmm...seems like you're opening up somewhat. that's cool. but hey...sometimes words aren't necessary, ain't that so?

cookie.....you my posse...haha. we form the pip squad. we swear at each other. you suffocate me with your hugs. you're coolness.

birdy's da man...nuff said.

it's s'wonderful...s'marvellous...that you still care for me.

hope you had a good rest sweetie...

i didn't mean to chase you home.

was just kinda worried that your mom might've thought you were kidnapped or something...what with your bag left outside your door...haha.

tell her i'm your sis, okay?

and to set her mind at ease, maybe you'd like to give her my contact.

after all, i was the person you asked to the meet-the-parents session when your parents weren't available, wasn't i? ;)

after the latest bout of tears, seeing you today sorta calmed me a little.

thank you for being my medicine and my inspiration.

as i laid down to rest last night, my mind was swarmed with thoughts of the guys...my scouts.

i teared as i came to rest at my decision.

come sunday, i will step down as asl...at least for a while.

it's ironic how i've lost faith in the very thing that brought the sstt together.

well, perhaps i haven't lost it completely...i just need some time away from it to regroup and all.

maybe this time away will be good.

i could sit back and observe, so i can write my musical from a third person's point of view.

i wish i could be invisible for a while...to float around during sundays and see if there's a marked difference without my presence.

as much as i'd like to think there would be, i think jiahao's right. they just wouldn't care.

last sunday, for the first time in many sundays past, i felt empty.

i went to school...excited to don the uniform and tie. but as the morning progressed, i started sinking deeper and deeper.

the final nail was hammered into the coffin when the boys stared at me blankly when i expected them to respond.

after all i've tried to do in the past weeks...to be treated with such disrespect and nonchalance really pissed me off.

i'm not giving up on these guys...i just need a break to recharge, before trying and probably getting my efforts thrown out the window again.

i'm sure tai tong and jason will do fine without me around.

don't worry fellas, i'll still be around to help. i just need a break from that tie for a while.

perhaps i've been the problem. perhaps i'm the one preventing growth in the scout group.

so i'm just hoping that my leaving would make something happen.

of course, it's just a hope...it might not happen.

and oh, i'll be stepping down as rover secretary as well.

the self-fulfilling prophecy thingee works.

i woke up with my right eye twitching. it jumped all the way till siasr.

and true enough, i made the same mistake i swore never to repeat...and it was only last monday!

remember i pondered over when i should say no?

this is the perfect example of what would happen if you don't admit your incompetence when you first screw up.

if i had told the bosses i'd feel more comfortable for them to handle the invites last monday, today's boo boo wouldn't have occurred.

if only i had the guts to say no the last time around...

that said, what the hell is wrong with me?

sure...today was an accident, but still...these things don't usually happen with me around.

this is unacceptable...

mom said i've become less friendly of late.

it's odd she should say that since she hasn't borne the brunt of my bitchiness.

i don't even know why i should even have gotten offended by that remark.

so tell me...am i turning into that heartless bitch you've only heard so much about?

(yes i'm asking...so please gimme your thoughts in the chatbox...if it fails to load, just refresh the page)

i've stopped smiling when i don't feel like it.

i've regain my resolve.

i'm smart, spunky, in-your-face and confident.

and oh, i'm such a nerd as well.

gone are the days of serene the SIA girl with the perpetual smile.

and if that's the girl you grew to love, i'm sorry, she's left.

you can now pack your bags as well.

and in case you're wondering, i'm not having my period.

strangely soothing.

that's what those 40 plus minutes at gelare, plaza singapura, felt like.

bubba and i agreed to meet around noon today. late this morning, he asked if we could meet at half past.

so there i was, standing at our supposed meeting place at the dhoby ghaut mrt faregates at 1230.

five minutes later and still no bubba, i messaged him to say that i wasn't in the mood for a full meal and would prefer ice cream instead...and to meet me at gelare at the fifth level. then i went up. truth is: i was kinda famished.

so i took a seat at one of the booths, bought two scoops of wild strawberry, pulled out my copy of the edge and started reading.

he messaged back that he's really sorry and was on his way. he had to catch his cat, that's why. i didn't think that message warranted an answer, so i didn't reply.

about a couple of minutes later, he messaged that he was approaching and again..."sorry".

i answered "am already having my ice cream. once i'm done with this, i'll be heading home...work beckons".

then he keeps messaging sorries and i just didn't see the point in responding to those.

it was a feat to make my two scoops of ice cream last for half an hour or so.

as i slowly took in that last bit, i leant back, closed my eyes, to take it all in.

then i packed up and started towards the mrt.

he messaged that he was there around the time i was about to enter the faregates.

my response?

"don't rush...we're not meeting today."

and obviously, that brought on a string of apologies and even an phone call. but of course, i didn't bother to pick up.

through all this, i didn't feel angry...i guess i've just gotten back my resolve.

people need to be taught a lesson.

i know some of you guys keep saying our district leaders are close and all, and that we work really well together. you probably would've noticed how i always clam up when you say it'd be good to work with bubba, peter and gang.

that's because i've seen how haphazard these guys can get, and how much of a scatterbrain bubba can be.

and yes...while bubba is my friend, i won't stand for friends taking advantage of me.

what i did today...not waiting for bubba, is the culmination of repeated late-comings...on his part, obviously.

the guy has been at least half an hour late every single time we've arranged to meet.

today, i finally got up and left.

that time spent waiting wasn't all wasted though.

i felt rejuvenated, confident, and proud that i could sit somewhere, pull out a paper and eat something without having to bother at how people looked at me.

in fact, if the tables around did stare, they'd probably be staring at the confidence i radiate...(geez...when did i develop such a huge ego?!!)

i say the above because it takes a lot of confidence (there's that word again...) for a girl, to walk into a crowded place and sit down at a table amidst a lunch crowd of groups of friends, couples and the like, ALONE.

i've made it.

and today was evidence enough.

i almost forgot how soothing my blog music is.

i just checked out my page with my speakers turned on to the max...the piano solo just got my spirits up.

this morning was shitty...but as i got more tired towards the afternoon, i kinda felt slightly better as well.

i know...it's odd, but i felt so light...just walking along to lunch with the rest and not really taking in what they were saying.

i know birdy sorta blanked out for a bit as well.

on the whole, i was just totally bummed out by absolutely nothing today.

i decided not to go for the movie because i knew i wouldn't be able to concentrate.

some people just don't get that i go to movies to analyse and think about messages hidden within...i can't just relax in a movie theater.

i spent two hours under my block with grover...and i suppose those two hours were the best hours spent today.

i was so fatigued, but my baby made my day.

don't worry sweetie, i'll keep you in sight friday.

sis will hold you and keep you outta harm's way.

last night was a few saturdays back revisited.

it seemed like we were back at square one...when he was just another kid i got to know and i was someone trying to get to him...unsuccessfully.

last night was...disappointing.

there really is no other word to describe it.

after all we've been through together, you'd think we would've scrapped some layers off each other's walls.

alas, it was all a farce.

how stupid was i to believe he would lay down his pride for me...

i should've expected his rejection before i even offered...then i wouldn't have asked and gotten my heart trampled on in the process.

i should've known...because i wouldn't have laid down my pride for him as well.

i'm a fucking hypocrite.

i must've been really upset to have sworn so much last night as well.

i still feel stupid.