My So-Called Life

you know when limits keep you from achieving your personal ambitions?

you know when those limits are your parents?

i've just had THAT conversation with mine...and trust me, it was an emotional experience.

there are times when i felt that my parents were getting a little accusatory, and i got defensive.

when i got a little agitated, i stopped and took a long, deep breath. then went on.

i figure that they realize how different i am from my peers...or even people older than me.

but it is that very difference they're afraid of.

they're worried that because i'm so unlike the rest of the family, i may just get TOO unconventional.

but, by the end of the talk, i got my message across with great conviction, and they were convinced.

we've come a long way, my parents and i.

they know my pain...and i, their worries.

they worry that someday, i'll find my own way about and leave them.

i guess that's what all parents fear.

in any case, i've put their minds to rest and they've given me the green light.

it's now just a matter of time before i formally announce my plans.

for now though, they're just plans.

so please, keep my confidence and let me do the talking.

i want you to hear it from me, and not from anyone else.

What's In A Name?

i have a pretty cool chinese name - shiyin.

let me explain what it means...

shi - poem

yin - music

you'd think that with a name like this, people would remember me.

trouble is: most people don't even know my chinese name.

it wasn't till i started doing the chinese service for phonecast that i managed to get the name out there.

even if i don't say anything, whenever people pick up my name card (like today), they'd naturally comment on my unique and/or musical name.

i love my name. but i didn't always like it.

from the day i knew what my name meant till i was about 18 or so, i thought my name didn't reflect my personality. i suppose neither did my english one.

then, a couple of years later, as i mellowed down, i realized that i sorta grew into my name. though i'm still not so sure about being "poetic".

i totally agree that i'm gifted in music. i have never been formally trained, but i pick up instruments pretty quickly. it's helped in my dancing and singing as well. i never had a problem with beats.

the person who commented on my name this morning is the national rover commissioner and an extremely nice and humble doctor. he had rushed down from the hospital for the baden powell award ceremony. he's nice, and i hope to see more of him in future events. (i know what you're thinking...he's not my kinda guy.)

so i hosted the baden powell awards and frank cooper sands awards today.

i kinda felt like a debutant at a ball.

as people streamed into the hall, i felt like i was being judged by all of them. their eyes scrutinized me from head to toe.

i knew what they were all thinking.

"who's this girl? we haven't seen her before. is she any good? why couldn't they just stick to the old MC?"

those vibes just stuck out. and i'm not being overly-sensitive.

the event went smoothly, and the people were converted. the VIPs were impressed and the attendees can probably recognize me by my smile anywhere now =)

i guess it's just me to want to prove people wrong...or am i simply fulfilling my star profile?

perhaps it's the latter.

i still remember writing that i'm the "reluctant star".

it's like...i may not be comfortable with being in the limelight, but because it comes naturally to me, i am able to handle it.

am i really destined to be a star?

if i am, then what kinda star would i be?

sigh.

so much to write...so little energy.

tomorrow's the only night i shall be home.

tomorrow i shall write.

please don't anything pop up to disturb my first rest evening in the entire week.

Well I Love A Rainy Night

the song by eddie rabbit popped into mind as we were driving home from the airport this morning.

it was almost 4am, the roads were empty, and lightning flashes from above once every ten seconds.

we had gotten mom from the airport at a little later than three because her flight from Narita was majorly delayed. i mean, she was supposed to have landed at 12am!

now what really got me thinking was the lightning.

so what was so special about the lightning this morning?

while most of you were sleeping, i caught the rare occurrance of thick bolts of sheer energy...without the thunder.

and you may find it odd of me to say this, but i found it rather scary.

i'm accustomed to hearing thunder after chancing lightning...and if something that you always thought of as a continuing act of nature doesn't happen, it freaks the hell outta you.

especially with such huge bolts lightning, you'd expect some major vibration on your car seat window panel.

NONE. ZILCH. NADA.

three-quarters of the way home and still no thunder and rain.

i panicked.

then slowly, i hear progressing patter-rhythms.

boy was i relieved.

anyways, i have a theory about all this, but i'm way too smashed to type anymore. i'm heading back to bed for a couple of hours before heading downtown for an interview.

good night world.

and stay tuned...=)

when you're outta sorts, nothing can yank you back up.

not even dancing.

all of my partners today could tell that i wasn't myself. some asked if i was tired, or had a CEO bully me...and worse still, it showed in my dancing!

i couldn't follow as well as i did the last week, and i even missED out simple cues! this is dumb.

i feel horrible.

i shouldn't have gone to the airport...and gotten interrogated about my trip...and being labeled "selfish" when i said i didn't get what i wanted out of the trip.

fuck. if i were really that selfish, i would've demanded they bring me to the places i wanted to go.

sure, punish me for keeping my mouth shut and being sensitive to the needs of my mom and aunt.

I AM MAJORLY DISAPPOINTED AND PISSED.

The Long And Winding Road

which would you prefer: chicken rice or shepard's pie?

i guess it really boils down to what about chicken rice you like. do you like the flavor of the rice? the taste of the chicken? the condiments that go along with it?

or do you just like chicken?

what do you like about shepard's pie then? is it the myriad of ingredients that make it so irresistable? or does the copious amount of carbohydrates in the form of potatoes make your mouth water?

or do you just like chicken?

i suppose we can liken ourselves to the chicken rice, shepard's pies, and other what-nots.

we're all as different as can be.

but if we can all find the chicken within ourselves, the world would be a much better place.

we'd be able to understand each other better...maybe we wouldn't even need to speak to communicate then.

what would the world be like without words?

hmm...taking into account that i do talk too much at times, i suggest you go find the duck within yourself instead.

And Then She Smiled.

all tired and stressed out after an evening of information overload.

when you're in a room of industry experts, it's natural for you to feel small...but i'm glad i held myself up well. and because i did so, the people from AREIT actually approached me to offer their assistance in helping me understand real estate investment trusts. hmm...i may just take up their offer.

other than trying to decipher the sheets of figures and jargon, i'd say last night was rather relaxing. sure, i had shit loads to do, but the pace felt leisurely.

days pass and i'm beginning to trust in my instincts more.

just two nights ago, i felt extremely confused and ruffled. now, i'm sure that with my abilities, i'd be able to reconcile my interests some.

i will have to make sacrifices and some of the people i love will feel betrayed.

but i pray that you'll understand my decision...i've been waiting for this, most of my young life.

this is just another one of those challenges serene has to take...it's, again, one of those sink-or-swim kinda things she subjects herself to.

don't worry, i haven't made a decision.

and don't worry about me. =)
i broke into a smile while on the bus yesterday. i looked goofy. but it was genuine.

this dawned on me while making milo a few minutes ago:

i need to go far far away.

so if i ever get scared and want to scurry into my little corner, i can't.

i'd be compelled to build a corner somewhere else, where i am.

i can only go when i'm ready.

and i will be ready.

but when i am, will you be ready to let me go?

i got my answer.

it wasn't exactly what i wanted to hear, but at least i have some direction now.

and i made my intentions known.

everything is out in the open with my father.

and i'm relieved.

i've discovered something rather unsettling about me through my discussions with ashley.

let's just say if you're a guy cradling your baby, you've got my attention.

this is way too odd.

perhaps hanging around with my kids has changed my attitude towards family.

and relationships.

NOT.

i'm still the person singaporean men would find to be too outspoken, liberal and feisty.

and i'm still the person caucasian men find to be less exotic and asian.

so yes, i'm stuck in the middle...haha.

nobody likes me, everybody hates me, i'm gonna eat some worms.

it's THE year.

and according to previous promises, it should be fine if i were to broach the subject again.

but i'm afraid of the response i may get.

i'm afraid i may not be able to take it this time around.

i've never wanted anything else so much...and for so long.

please...please don't disappoint me.

"Can You Give Me A Summary Of The Main Events?"

when someone hasn't kept up with your blog for a while, and asks you to summarize what you've been up to since the last time he checked, could you?

it's like the time when someone, whom i haven't met for a year, asked me what i've been doing for the past year...and expected me to give a 10- to 20-minute summary.

if i could compact my year into 10 minutes, i would. but i can't. and i refuse to. because my life isn't worth 10 minutes of your time...or 20...or 30 even.

please slap me if i ever relent to such a summary.

my life is an adventure. my days are different. daily events aren't mundane. and work is a joy.

i am living, not simply existing.

i'm savoring the beauty of sin, mediocrity and morbidity.

i am INSATIABLE...always searching for a new high. day after day after day.

my life, as i now understand it, is no longer a FARCE.

and LOVE shall be my guiding LIGHT...as i take my boys, my friends, my acquaintances and me to the next level.

MUSIC IS MY RELIGION.

"You've Got The Gift"

when a buncha old fogeys tell you that you've got the gift, they really mean it.

i jammed with a whole buncha old folks tonight...man...i'm pretty sure they could've done the funky chicken all night long.

so these are the songs i'll be doing with them:

1) Imagine

2) Desperado (YAY!!!)

3) I Will Survive

4) You've Got A Friend

5) Separate Lives (the one that's playing on my blog right now)

while the rest went to the loo, DP, Andrew and I tried out Now and Forever and If I Ain't Got You...and i realized i could do both songs as well.

the latter is a very interesting song to sing. some people would apply vocal gymnastics to it, but pure and simple sounds good enough ;)

singing I Will Survive is definitely a step outta the box. it's so unlike the ballads that i usually do.

and i surprised the guys by just spouting out the lyrics of all those old-time beatles and elvis numbers...haha.

seriously, van morrison should be fun as well...remember Brown-Eyed Girl?

note to self: learn how to play If I Ain't Got You.

i got home past one am...because i just had to have coffee with the guys. and they drove me home.

they're schweet.

Jodie's World

oh how i'd love to be in jodie's world tonight.

gazing out at everyone at the corner of her almond-shaped eyes.

blinking, blinking, blinking.

she got me at hello.

the relatives told me jodie looks like me when i was little.

they called me "the baby with the perpetual frown".

she's gorgeous.

when i held her in my arms, i almost teared as she snuggled up to me.

i felt heavy as i finished the unbearable lightness of being.

it's startling how everything you do can have conflicting implications...how every seemingly good thing has a bad flipside.

i'm almost afraid to start on my next book - Sophie's World.

i fear i'm not ready to take on theology and philosophy all at one go.

but i'll try. and if i get too fucked up, i'll stop.

and read more theology ;)

my legs are aching and i'm tired, but i still want to dance.

spin me baby.

What A Difference A Day Makes

did i ever tell you friday's my favorite day of the week?

i'm wishing every friday night would be as intense as last night.

yes, i'm talking salsa. it was my first night at intermediate level and i was SO late. but all was cool...the new steps weren't too tough. the coolness came after class...

fiesta, i started dancing with this guy melvin...tall dude. when he spun, i'd have to tip-toe and extend my arm so i don't hit his head.

so one song ends, and we part. in comes another one of my classmates and he asks me to dance. now this guy is a fantastic dancer and he spins the hell outta me. it was the most fun i've had during salsa.

that song's done. then another guy comes up...then another...and another.

man...i danced SIX songs in a row! i was sweating like a hog and still people came up to ask me to dance!

there was this one guy who was an extremely advanced dancer, and he pulled me onto the dance floor and started spinning me everywhere! through the spins, i kept yelling that i can't keep up...when, in fact, i could! i could because he was such a good lead and i just followed it.

you see...even if you ain't a dancer, when you've got a good lead, you'll be able to follow.

after six songs, i was bummed. as much as i had wanted to stay on, i had to go home to hyflux ;)

K tells me that every last friday of the month, fiesta will be at union square instead. 18 bucks, 2 drinks...and you can dance the night away.

frankly, i'm too scared to go into a club to dance. i'm too amateurish to join that crowd.

i'm really just too chicken to go alone.

would someone like to go with me?

(yes it's a question, and i'd like an answer...;)

i chanced upon this song, re-did by hootie and the blowfish.

a song from my past.

a song i love with every beat of my heart.

I Hope That I Don't Fall In Love With You

Well I hope that I don't fall in love with you
'Cause falling in love just makes me blue,
Well the music plays and you display your heart for me to see,
I had a beer and now I hear you calling out for me
And I hope that I don't fall in love with you.

Well the room is crowded, people everywhere
And I wonder, should I offer you a chair?
Well if you sit down with this old clown, take that frown and break it,
Before the evening's gone away, I think that we could make it,
And I hope that I don't fall in love with you.

Well the night does funny things inside a man
These old tom-cat feelings you don't understand,
Well I turn around to look at you, you light a cigarette,
I wish I had the guts to bum one, but we've never met,
And I hope that I don't fall in love with you.

I can see that you are lonesome just like me, and it being late,
You'd like some some company,
Well I turn around to look at you, and you look back at me,
The guy you're with has up and split, the chair next to you's free,
And I hope that you don't fall in love with me.

Now it's closing time, the music's fading out
Last call for drinks, I'll have another stout.
Well I turn around to look at you, you're nowhere to be found,
I search the place for your lost face, guess I'll have another round
And I think that I just fell in love with you.

tell me why i love you so.

"The Prettiest Girl In The Roadshow"

i believe that comment was made, tongue firmly in cheek.

but it was, indeed, said.

and i was embarrassed.

it isn't everyday that you interview a head of a company, and his PR guy says something like that out loud.

sure it was a compliment, but what a cringe-worthy one it was.

and ashley had this huge grin on her face!

anyways...

DP called last night and asked if i would like to jam with his band monday night at changi airport.

the moment he said i can do desperado, i was won over ;)

plus i can do all the oldies that i so love because their audience is made up of people over 40. they've got three band members over 50 as well...

tag me on what songs you think i should do ;)

and oh, they do blues as well.

the american idol showcase was fine.

i had hoped for it to be on a much larger stage with screens flanking it, but it's all right.

one of the idols impressed the hell outta me because she's improved so much since the last season of american idol.

jasmine trias has become a fantastic performer. she'd totally sucked during the competition, but she's become a polished act.

and i respect her because she's obviously worked hard to get where is now.

that's how i'm gonna learn. push myself to perform as much as i can till i make progress.

by perform, i mean...sing.

there're songs i so love but never had the guts to sing because i'm so used to doing ballads.

from today, i'm stepping outta the box. for reals. which reminds me...

this song's touched me from the first time i heard it on sister act 2.

i remember wanting to sing it...perform it, but never got a chance to.

i heard it last night at the showcase. and i was brought back in time.

Why should I feel discouraged
Why should the shadows come
Why should my heart fell lonely
And long for heaven and home

When Jesus is my portion
A constant friend is he
His eye is on the sparrow
And I know he watches over me
His eye is on the sparrow
And I know he watches me

I sing because I'm happy
I sing because I'm free
His eye is on the sparrow

And I know he watches
He watches me
His eye is on the sparrow
And I know he watches
I know he watches
I know he watches me

- His Eye Is On The Sparrow, Lauryn Hill

i sing, because i'm happy.

and i sing, because i'm free.

i suppose it's my doing that people have started blogging most frequently...;)

just caught up with elm's blog (which has, incidentally, been abandoned for months).

chatting with sis that day while she's over at nyc seems pretty like a catching-up-with-each-other-life's chat, for we really had not been keeping in contact for the past few weeks.....
i had been busy with volleyball and studies... while she, with work, scoutings and dancing...

sis, a strong figure who stepped into my life, unknowingly just taught me new things and make me see a fuller picture on a stronger girl in life...
there seem to be endless things to learn from her... her confidence, her will-power to take up new challenages, her couarge to face the world despite.........

the long chat we had at the staircase way?
Trust me, i'll never forget....

simple sentences she said, that knocked me awake?
It will stay in me forever to keep myself reminded of being a girl i wanna be....

all righty...if ya'll must know, elm's my home girl.

'twas nice seeing her smile again last night...finally, after like, 3 months. it did seem like we parted for a lot longer than that.

i'm glad i played a little part in your life.

i feel light.

Beauty in the European sense has always had a premeditated quality to it. We've always had an aesthetic intention and a long-range plan. That's what enabled Western man to spend decades building a Gothic cathedral or a Renaissance piazza. The beauty of New York rests on a completely different base. It's unintentional. It arose independent of human design, like a stalagmitic cavern. Forms which are in themselves quite ugly turn up fortuitously, without design, in such incredible surroundings that they sparkle with a sudden wondrous poetry.

the word "fortuitous" keeps popping up in unbearable likeness.

it certainly is fortuitous for me to have read the above paragraph on my way back from LAX.

yes...i wasn't leaving JFK, but it still meant something.

NYC always presents me with a sign...telling me that that ain't gonna be the last time we meet.

we're like lovers. we're faithful to each other. and i know he'll always be around for me to run back to.

NYC is a city. and while many look upon it as simply a jungle with concrete that goes way too high up, i chose to see it as exactly what the paragraph above described it to be.

and i was only 16. imagine that.

i need to go back. i need to go home.

"You Could Be A Model, You Know"

i was too bummed by the time i got home late friday night aka early saturday morning.

and, as i expected, the lone journey back to singapore presented a few revelations.

as i typed the above sentence, i had wanted to, through reflex, type "the lone journey back home". then i realized that while i am back to the place i left, my heart's still in manhattan. and i figure it'll be there for a much longer period, this time around.

the journey back was shorter than expected. the flight time from LAX to NRT was just over 10 hours, and from NRT to SIN, a mere 7 hours.

frankly, i was disappointed at the short flight time. and it really hit me as we took off from NRT.

as the plane arced upwards, i felt myself yanked to two polarities:

1) YES! TAKE ME BACK! LET THE REAL HOLIDAY BEGIN!

2) NO NO NO! LET'S JUST STAY WHERE WE ARE SO I CAN BE ALONE...

solitude is what i yearn for now.

unfortunately, there're just too many things to be done.

work...scouts...and unfulfilled expectations.

even now...as i'm about to leave home for dragon dance...

i'm tearing. and i don't even have the time to finish crying.

those who saw me yesterday knew that things weren't right with me.

even as mark (who doesn't read my blog) asked how my trip was, he had a tinge of skepticism in his voice.

i'd really rather people NOT ask me about my trip.

just take it like i've disappeared for two weeks. i wasn't on holiday.

just let me get over it on my own.

i experienced a collision of lightness and weight, coming back from NRT.

my chat with the flight attendant in my zone was relaxing and light.

relating our flying experiences to each other was therapeutic. i actually felt like i was on holiday then...even if for a moment.

and the weight?

that came from figuring out how to respond to people who ask me about the trip.

i'm still feeling the weight.

*in case you were wondering, the statement at the beginning of this entry was made by the flight attendant i spoke to.

imagine...in twenty minutes, i'll be on my way to the airport.

so what the hell am i doing still typing away on the computer?

that's me for you. blogging is the only thing that's constant...and given the technology, i'd be blogging on the plane ride home as well. solace. it's solace for me...especially when i'm feeling far beyond happy.

this is the time when i welcome weight. to distract me from the supposed lightness i'm supposed to feel after a holiday.

i'm leaving.

a welcomed goodbye to glendora and a bittersweet hello to my home dock in singapore.

this opulent yet empty vessel...is trying to fill itself up again.

home is where the heart is.

and my heart belongs to manhattan.

i'll be leavin' on a jetplane in the morning.

and i'm guessing the trip back home will present many, many revelations.

that's because i'll FINALLY be alone. and i'll so welcome the solitude.

i'm just hoping i won't burst into tears the moment the plane leaves LAX.

it's just odd how totally devoid of cheer i am...especially when this was supposed to be a "rejuvenating holiday".

when my aunt asked if i was dreading going back to the stress awaiting me monday, i replied "not necessarily".

i'd rather immerse myself in work and get stressed out with everyone else than be put down on my holiday.

the next time i take a holiday, i'm going to mexico.

and i'm going with people outside the family.

but my brother can join me.

he's cool shit.

i feel empty.

i'm flying back in just two days and i feel empty.

it's like...i came on this trip to find something and to spend some time with myself...but i haven't been able to do either.

so unless i get hit by a revelation in the next 48 hours, i'll be boarding the plane on an empty vessel craving for soul food.

in order to please other people, i have, once again, failed to feed myself.

and i have no one to blame for this but myself.

after all, it was i who agreed to the itinerary...

i feel tired having to put on a consensual smile everytime i feel the lack of enthusiasm rising.

so yes, to help these women feel less miserable, i lower myself further into the depths of misery.

i am feeling absolutely depressed.

but, at least, it's for a good cause.

let me lay down and cry for a moment.

people forget that i paid for this holiday.

is it too much to ask to rest some?

instead of getting all refreshed ahead of work monday, i'm getting fucking pissed.

the women who oppress themselves are pissing me off.

Toffee-ettes from See's Candies rock my world...

a day of more shopping with the laydees. this shop called papaya is bringing out the girl in me. like...THE GIRL.

i never saw myself in anything more than a pair of jeans and top.

new york changed everything. i now know how to accessorize and dress up more.

and mom pulled out this really hot halter dress from a rack in papaya. it looks perfect for salsa caliente!

yes, i got it.

Cute Guys

i love how the men around new york city look.

the guys in suits and uniforms. man...they're hot.

sigh...they're so cute. and that's it.

they're cute and smart. and probably single.

but i ain't a new yorker. sigh.

"I'm Sorry, I Don't Know English"

when conversing with the locals, i use american english.

by american english, i don't mean it like it's a whole new language. well, maybe it is. but i'm referring to all the slangs that they use instead of the words dictated by Regina aka The Queen.

and i sound quite convincing.

but there are times when i just pretend i don't know the language.

like when there're men on the street trying to pick me up while i'm with my mom. i try hard not to retort...and look ignorant.

there was this one time along times square, when this guy walked by and actually stopped, turned around and said

"you're a little cutie, aren't you?"

and i heard that! i walked away.

some of these comments just plain gross me out.

Rockefeller Center



this, in my opinion, is the most magical place in the world.

it was at this very square that i found myself.

i was 16. it was after my 'O's. i went to LA to visit my aunt over winter. dropped in on NYC for a tour.

that was my first visit and i already felt like home. i was 16...imagine that.

there i was...standing in front of the world's largest christmas tree, feeling as warm as can be, while the others were freezing their asses off.

NYC holds a special place in my heart.

a taro ball and a spoonful of fried rice for breakfast, and we're good to go.

something i took fooling around with the cam while mom took a nap at the Y...



NIKE

as in "just do it" nike.

i have a love-hate relationship with the brand. i love it because it makes clothes that fit me wonderfully, and i hate it because i spend way too much on it.

i swear...the nike store on fifth avenue could've survived the day on just one customer - me.

if the japanese weren't so into girly branded shit like gucci and more into nike, i'd probably pale in comparison. but man...this nike freak went wild then.

everything i tried on fitted swell. i just stopped trying stuff on at one point because i knew i'd HAVE TO buy them.

but, like i told my brother, i am very happy with my purchases. they should last me a long while.

Shopping

yes...nike was it. but it wasn't it all.

there were the NBC store, Virgin records and the GAP...among others.

i tried to find myself another trenchcoat (less the double lining) but couldn't. most of them were way too warm for singapore weather.

and then i realize how my sense of style came about. it's new york style baby.

and that's a relief, cuz i can't imagine where else i'd model my style after. ha.

trenchcoats are so indigenous to new york city that if they were seen on people working anywhere else in the world, they'd look plain weird.

and i love looking plain weird. ;)

Drivers

NYC drivers are fucking impatient.

it's tough not to generalize them because their behavior is so apparant at every observation.

you turn your car out of its parallel parking lot and stop for a moment to check on traffic. a split second later, horns start blaring. apparantly, YOU are blocking the way.

you can imagine how noisy the city is during the day then.

Fat People

you know how horizontally-challenged some people are. that's why south-west came up with the "pay for an extra seat" crap.

so there i was with mom, sitting in the forbidden broadway theater...it was a small outfit, tucked away in a little, dark corner on 42nd street. the seats were old and their armrests were metal ones which were stationary.

in comes two HUGE people. they came in, inched their way painfully into the middle of the row (like hell! why couldn't they have been seated at the aisle to save everyone else the trouble and them from humiliation?!), and proceeded to sit down.

and so they did. they propped their butts onto the seat, only to have their cheeks stuck between the two armrests that divide the seats.

now normally, you'd push the armrests up. but because these are, like, old and metal ones, you simply can't.

so what did those two fellas do? the squeezed their cheeks past those metal bars and yes, they finally felt cushion.

i was three rows back and could actually hear their cheeks squeezing past those bars. geez.

I FEEL STIFLED IN THE COMPANY OF WOMEN WHO OPPRESS THEMSELVES.

okay, so i'm back from lunch. and i shall continue my tales...

Mom

look, Mom's not an acronym for anything. it's just plain Mom. as in mother. my mother.

my mom is afraid of everything.

she's afraid of new york in general. the stuff she gets from the news...or movies. dark streets, muggers, blacks, blacks, and blacks. she's afraid of how walking along even times square late at night will lead to some stick-up.

but i yanked her out there and showed her how warped her perception of new york was.

i made her walk with me all around manhattan, watch a musical, talk to people, and walk back to the Y after the musical.

it was darn frustrating even trying to get her out there, but hell...i did it. ;)

mom had jetlag. she woke up at 3am for the nights at the Y. and i had no choice but to stay up with her...because my eyes are especially photo-sensitive and i won't be able to rest with the lights on.

mom developed a backache and a sore ankle in NYC. sigh.

and for her sake, i've just made a decision.

and i know you'll feel my pain when i tell you what it is. if you know me and what this whole trip was meant to be, that is.

Times Square

i've always loved Times Square for the energy it possesses.

the bright lights are so vegas, yet classy at the same time.

times square reminds me of theater, billboards like the one below. and fun.



the energy rejuvenates me...in the absence of dance. i love my dancing.

the coke billboard has been the focal point of times square since the beginning of time. and it's cool shit.

you see a lemon coke ad, but it's really just an LCD screen that has various coke ads flashing one after another. but the ad stayed a coke can.

hmm. that invoked some thought.

i fell in love with this thing the moment i saw it...



geoffrey caught my heart.

Forbidden Broadway

hilarious shit.

les miserable = more miserable

rent = rant

oklahoma = old revivals

into the woods = into the words

those were the posters hanging on the sides of the tiny theater we went to on 42nd street.

my mother has become a theater convert ;)

all righty. i'll be right back in a new york minute.

as you can tell, i'm STILL in a new york state of mind.

it's hard to keep up with the barrage of thoughts raging through my mind.

two and a third of a day in new york. extremely helpful to my wellbeing. further cementing the fact that i'm gonna have to live and work there for a bit.

i'm such the city girl.

and because my mind was flooded by thousands of fleeting thoughts over those days, i'd take out my handphone and key in keywords as i strode along the streets.

so here, i shall start my accounts. in random order, and a few illustrations ;)

New York City Yellow Cabs

the elusive yellow top that brings on stereotypical images of the men (or women) driving them.

and you think singapore cabbies are cash-guzzlers...

anyways, it's fucking difficult to grab a cab in central manhattan. not that i've tried...but i've seen people flagging these maniacal driving machines down. not a pretty sight.

and no matter what you see on TV, the cabs always seem to be occupied! you can stand there for a bloody half hour and still not have one stop in front of you.

which brings me to...

Driving in NYC

you think the streets of KL are bad?



check out the rows of vehicles on the street behind my mom. that's central manhattan for you.

i mean, it's not that i haven't seen it...just thought you'd like to know. for those who have only seen the streets from martin scorcese's point of view...;)

the streets are packed through the day. and while it's a lot worse to be driving during the peak period...it does seem like perpetual peakness the whole day through.

oh, by the way, my mom's standing at the edge of times square.

MacDonalds

ah...bacon and egg cheese biscuit. why the hell don't they have that on the breakfast menu in singapore?!!

hell, i'd even appreciate a fruit parfait on the menu.

i could eat the cheese biscuit shit daily. it's good stuff.

one morning, my mom announces that she will not eat bread anymore. and i'm scratching my head for what to present to her for lunch...since practically everything around is bread-related. hot dogs, pizzas, burgers, sandwiches.

no choice. we headed for a japanese restaurant. nuff said. bleah.

all right. again, because i know people only absorb messages in such shortness, i'll stop here.

perhaps i'll be back in a few hours to fart out more new york stories.

i love new york. i wish i were there a lot longer.

finally, back in touch with the virtual world...and contact with the guys back home.

unfortunately, i'm too whacked to write much now. have so much to talk about though.

will start my onslaught tomorrow. ;)

so i'm back from my aunt's birthday celebrations.

well...it's really still going on because the fellas are just waiting for time to pass so they can send me off at the airport in the wee morning. ;)

i felt tempted to join them for a movie, but decided to come home for some lone time.

all the fatigue seemed to disappear as soon as i washed my face and stepped into my air-conditioned room. i mean, i'm still tired, but i feel like i can stay up for the next few hours just to type this entry. and then leave for the airport.

tonight felt like home. most of the sstt were around...and the night just played out like we never left each other at all.

i'm just a teeny bit apprehensive about the trip.

job-wise, i've already done what i could in this short amount of time to help ashley adapt. and i figure she's doing rather well. she just has to believe in herself more, and not get intimidated by people who speak down to her.

angus says i've come a long way since SQ, and i believe so. that failed interview with a company was proof of how sharp i've become with my words...and even its non-executive director said i was "fiesty". you're damn right i'm fiesty...shithead.

anyways...ashley's more vocal than i am, so i figure she'll definitely make a better journalist than me...in time, that is ;)

ray came by for aunt's birthday. man...that idiot hasn't changed a bit. and they say that the army turns boys into men. his "couldn't-care-less" tone totally irks me...so much that whenever he speaks, i just hear static and wanna cover my ears. to think that i'll be seeing him at the airport later when we both know it's just too damn awkward to be in each other's presence.

the whole week has been a series of awkward happenings, i suppose.

thursday night's shirley valentine. mark waite and i shared two awkward moments. i'm not sure if angus noticed, but it was pretty obvious to me. i believed if i was more the air-kisser, he wouldn't have felt as odd as i thought he did. which brings me to...

sincerity. there are several things that i just can't stand (again):

1) people who speak too loud

2) people who speak too loud and flightily

3) people who speak too loud and flightily and whose eyes wander around

4) people who speak too loud and flightily and whose eyes wander around when talking TO YOU

when people speak too loud and try to pass it off as a normal facet of their speech, i think "they don't know shit". especially when their eyes start to wander. unless, of course, they're autistic or schizo or whatever other mental illness they possess.

and because i sense these things the moment i meet a person, hardly anyone intimidates me anymore. ;)

and i shall stop right here before i dig myself a deeper shithole.

"i'm in a new york state of mind" - billy joel

here's one for the road...

or rather, one until i get back from my aunt's birthday celebrations and just a few before i have to head off to the airport.

of course you've heard my lament about not having a partner to dance with.

it was my last salsa I class last night and post-class, i had a string of guys to dance with...haha...man, last night was cool...i was spun around like never before. and then funny shit happened...

one of my classmates called eddie, he had a friend who's finished salsa II called matthew. matthew introduced this girl to eddie, and eddie wanted to introduce me to matthew, but i refused and said i need a break. before you label me anti-social, i didn't wanna be "introduced" to matthew because i didn't wanna dance with him! the last time we danced, i found that he was so outta rhythm i simply couldn't follow. so i went out for a drink, and guess what? matthew comes out. he looks around awkwardly for a while, then asks "you're serene, right?" and i'm thinking "oh fuck." and he asks if i would like to dance. so i said "are you sure? i'm definitely not as twirly as you and i can't keep up with you." (here i'm thinking "bloody hell why won't you just leave it at that?")

well anyways, we went into fiesta and started dancing. as expected, i couldn't keep up...or rather...i still don't know what's up with him and his not dancing to the beat of the music. as far as i know, salsa's ALL ABOUT THE RHYTHM. dang.

i left after one song.

i wish i could've done a couple more songs with eddie. he and i make quite good dancing partners...he's the only guy in class who doesn't look at his feet and mouth the counts of the steps. and he smiles as well. ha.

so salsa II starts 8th October. am so looking forward to that ;) spin me baby!

thursday night: shirley valentine.

angus got us tickets to the show at the arts house at old parliament.

by the end of it, we had a few things to say about it. a few praises, but mostly, few words to describe how we felt about it.

personally, i wasn't enraptured by the performer. perhaps i just don't like monologues. hmm. angus and i kinda deduced that because the content of the performance was dated, and that it doesn't really apply to present times, it kinda lost its fervor about a third through the show.

one part of the show nearly had me tearing though. just that one part. and it was THE END.

when karen tan bowed to the audience (which size was comparable to college girls' gig), the small room filled with applause. the applause blew me away...and the support that the actress had was fantastic.

it hit me then.

i'd like that feeling.

no...not having people applaud me (well yes, that...but it's not a priority). it's not about having them heave praises on you (cuz most of them are fake shit).

it's about the audience. and how some seemingly irreverant word, or phrase, can make people ponder, and laugh. it's the words that people relate to. not the context.

i suddenly feel like singing.

i wish i could've spent more time at the library today.

phonecalls beseiged me through my entire duration there and i simply couldn't concentrate any longer.

though i did manage to complete one more report before i headed for home...and errands.

i'd say today was rather productive still...considering the number of people i spoke to about the stock market. tonight's interviews with a few women re-affirmed the popular (yet often under-pored) opinion that women are a powerful demographic.

the bosses would certainly be interested to hear my findings...;)

felt pretty drained today...am not sure why, but hey, i got some work done!

perhaps the little flower around my neck is giving me luck, and strength.

Of Brownies and Peace...

the esplanade library always brings out the best in me. this probably hints that i should spend a lot more time there than i should anywhere else.

there i was with my books, laptop and trusty chinese business terms glossary...all camped out at the third table from the front. i endeavored to finish three chinese reports, complete the english translation of my scout group's history, start on the reading material for the marketing of phonecast, think up an ad, help ashley through whatever difficulties she had today (to prepare her tmrw) and come up with a list of things i thought i needed for my trip. the essentials, rather.

i finished three reports. did the english translation (man was it tough!). while taking a short breather, i jotted down some stuff i had to remember to bring, on a post-it. read a little about marketing to women. then ashley turned up. so we headed to a cafe to talk about the hurdles she faced during the day, and to discuss the ad. we got SO lost trying to figure the ad out. 'nuff said there.

so technically, i managed to touch on everything i set out to do, albeit just a slight brush.

sushi's been on my mind for the past week. i ate it last thursday, saturday, today...man. and i'm still thinking about it! and i usually wolf down at least seven plates...dang.

vanilla brownie caramel. woah. haagan daaz. you get the picture.

the song tai tong's friend composed for the anniversary's been ringing in my head since the day i forced myself to bang out the keys on the piano.

i guess it is true that i'm musically-inclined. i never took the piano. but i learnt how to play the song just after a couple of hours of figuring it out on the instrument.

just keep your fingers crossed that i won't screw up on the actual day.

it's such a blessing how my lyrics and her music make sense.

and you know what the best thing is?

the guys love it. ;)

i received a letter from someone in my not-so-distant past today.

how sweet it is for her to write me after three years of silence. she never forgot me. the weirdest thing was: we weren't that close then anyways.

she wasn't a popular girl, purely because of how small she was...size-wise. she was too weak to really help us handle our huge campers. but she tried...and i guess hardly anyone else saw that.

we didn't speak much, but we had a quiet understanding between us. and when we did talk, we spoke about musical theater. she is an actress...a french horn player...a soprano.

sigh...i'm just absolutely touched by her letter/attempt to contact me.

didn't do much work this week, but it was totally stressful anyhow...what with the running around and all. then again, when am i REALLY stressed out about work?

in most of my cases, the stress is disguised as adrenaline. and i thrive on that. totally.

and ashley's learning loads.

frankly, i'm proud of the way she's turning out.

just uh...leave the grooming to me.

i suppose we were all really tired after pan asian water's IPO conference.

but we went ahead with dinner anyways. and what a nice dinner it was.

well, the company was the one that stuck ;)

lynette's baby is absolutely gorgeous! her name's jodie...little niece jodie. yet another to call me aunty serene. it's simply amazing to see this "not-so-little" thing in her mom's arms, when only a night ago, she was still cuddled in the comfort of the placenta.

such is the wonder of life. and the power of the sacred feminine - the giver of life.

Roy is such a majorly sweet character.

thanks for your confidence in me. how we managed to bond in such a short time is nothing short of amazing.

i'm so looking foward to jetting away come 19th September...but till then, it's gonna be a continual rush...

i'm conquering another fear. and this time, there's no failing. i won't fail.

Vamos a Festival Mexicana!

Shall we?

my boss says i've come a long way since the first time he met me.

and that he's proud of the way i turned out.

i guess i have changed some since getting outta the airline. elm's words have come true...

"sis, i think you're getting stronger. i can feel it."

it's been awhile since the sstt last got together. everyone says they miss each other and sstt days.

cookie says he misses the witty reparte in the midst of every wise-ass movie we watched.

the last time i caught a glimpse of grovie and elm, they seemed to have grown somewhat.

bert's out at sea. and big bird's got a girlfriend. okay, that just sounds odd. well, cookie has a girlfriend too.

oscar's been evolving loads. she's gotten a grip since the last sstt day, jumped into performing and gained loadsa confidence.

but she's still oscar.

are you still you?

thanks to angus for putting Separate Lives on the blog.

Desperado was long overdue ;)

my cousin lynette's just given birth to a baby girl! i'm an aunt again...will go see the little tyke during lunch tomorrow...

here's what came out of a conversation i had on msn today:

"Common as air" meant something worthless.
But I knew that every breath of air that you draw.
Lying in your bed at night.
Under the silver glow of the waxing moonlight.

That air was used by your body to make skin and hair and bones.
The air becomes you, and deserving - no, demanding - of love.
Ordering matter was the sole endeavor of Life.

Whether it was a jumble of molecules in the primordial ocean.
A steam-powered mill turning weeds into clothing...
Or you lying in your bed turning air into lovable you.

So you are right, Serene.
That space between .... means so much.

- Kevin

so go to bed. sleep. and wake up in the morning.

take a deep whiff of the air, and thank the skies you're alive.

sleeping over it may have cleared my head somewhat.

but it's left me with swollen eyes.

there's my de-stressing for the week.

tonight, i stand alone.

in my solitude.

staring at my solitaire diamond ring.

and my solitaire earrings.

tonight, tomorrow, thereafter.

pain grips my heart - each talon crushing a key to one chamber.

reminiscence is but a distorted history of inspiration.

littered with misinformation.

i never realized how much i missed cole until now.

until someone forced me to ask myself where he is. and where i am.

i miss cole.

i miss my soulmate...so much.

i don't think i've missed him this much.

Separate Lives.

the song struck me hard the first time i heard it in year 1 of mcm. desmond kon had a great habit of playing good music while we were writing.

i had no idea why the song appealed to me, especially when i have never been in a romantic relationship. that said, other love songs have called out to me too...but i haven't interpreted them the same way a love song would probably be heard.

You called me from the room in your hotel
All full of romance for someone that you met
And telling me how sorry you were, leaving so soon
And that you miss me sometimes when you’re alone in your room
Do I feel lonely too?

You have no right to ask me how I feel
You have no right to speak to me so kind
We can’t go on just holding on to time
Now that we’re living separate lives

Well I held on to let you go
And if you lost your love for me, well you never let it show
There was no way to compromise
So now we’re living (living)
Separate lives

Ooh, it’s so typical, love leads to isolation
So you build that wall (build that wall)
Yes, you build that wall (build that wall)
And you make it stronger

Well you have no right to ask me how I feel
You have no right to speak to me so kind
Some day I might (I might) find myself looking in your eyes
But for now, we’ll go on living separate lives
Yes for now, we’ll go on living separate lives
Separate lives

i heard it again at last night's concert in the park. the duet's competition. it was rather painful, sitting through the song. everyone else was cheering the couple singing, and there i was...feeling it.

one of my favorite ways to sing a song is to duet. and when gold 90 launched their duet competition, i so wished i had a partner to sing with. harmonies are heavenly.

i am too proud to have someone else in my life.

on hindsight, i suppose i've always been.

separate lives.

Roy (looking to Serene): Are you going to join Star Search next year?

Serene looks puzzled.

Firdaus (interjects): I don't think so! Serene WON'T join Star Search! It's like, beneath her...

Serene still looks confused.

Firdaus (to Serene): You won't join Star Search right? It's so Channel 8.

Serene: Well yeah...I wouldn't. Cuz I'm just not interested.

i wonder how i always manage to make people think (unwittingly on my part, of course) i know, and can do it all.

late last night, i joked with Roy about his "are you straight" comment. and his response?

"just that maybe u seem so confident and knowing of what you want that it kinda confuses me"

ah...so that's where it came from. angus should remember telling me something like that as well. then ashley mentioned something over msn as well:

"serene you have no idea how much power you hold and what a quality bunch of single males you can tap into. sex and the city is really just a fictitious show, dun be one of the real life cast members man."

people have been getting increasingly concerned about my love life...or the lack thereof. even anita was like "eh ashley, anyone to introduce to serene or not?"

it's kinda amusing.

i would love to write loads about the da vinci code. but feel the need to ponder over its contents a little more.

i can imagine how many more people would stop by the seemingly insignificant les pyramid inversee, now that the world knows of the da vinci code.

someone asked me if i was straight. today.

and when he did, i got quite a shock, but just smiled and countered "what makes you ask that question?"

he said "because there are times when i get some non-straight vibes from you. there are times you don't seem to like men."

then it turns out that the whole company wanted to know if i was, or not.

i was really amused by all of that...so i just played along...teased them for a bit and kept them guessing.

then i ended it with "i'm as straight as straight can be. i like men. but..."

and then he grinned and asked "but what?"

and i left it at that. haha.

for those who've known me for a while, you'd know that this isn't the first time i've been asked this question. my own mother once wondered if i was lesbian (when everyone else's daughters started dating and i refused to).

there's another thing: i seem to attract gay men. no, i don't turn them straight. but they seem to like me.

twice since the culmination of college girls, whenever i met friends of other members of the cast, they'd exclaim "oh...so YOU'RE SERENE..." and i'm like "huh?"

the first time, i asked eileen (the girl who exclaimed) what she had heard about me. and she totally flattered me. that's all you need to know. ;)

the second time was this evening. this guy KK tagged along with two of the cast to our hang-out. and when he went around the table, introducing himself to us...and came to me, he was like "oh...so you're serene...hmm..." then everyone started laughing. firdaus asked "okay...so out with it. what did you hear?" then trevelyan (the baby of the group) said "Roy likes you. he really likes you." and i'm like..."huh? so what's new?" and then everyone burst out into peals of laughter. i swear we almost knocked the kopitiam table over.

you see...Roy...he's the gay who asked if i was straight.

are the pieces now falling into place?

can you make sense of all this drama in my life?

if you can, speak now...for i would love to hear your take on this.

and oh, by the way...i'm not a fag hag.

it's been a while since i've broken down from exhaustion. even with nightly rehearsals in the past week, i hadn't reached the point of burn-out...and that's quite a feat. even meeting some of the cast outside rehearsals to teach them to dance couldn't wear me out.

i suppose that's the beauty of dancing. it rejuvenates.

it sure does sound odd coming from me...serene saying she loves dancing and singing. where's that straight-laced, workaholic girl who'd never digress from her task at hand?

i ain't digressing...i'm still working hard. but i'm also making an extra effort to make me happy.

so please kiss me on the cheek and wish me well.

imprisoned in this opulent vessel
i will live on

because i have music in my life.

i came online late last night with this:

"i think i'm falling in love."

it was meant to be a teaser, but alas...my mac can't seem to post anything on blogger. but yes, i am, indeed, falling in love. with an idea. i suppose i've been in love all this while...with various ideas and concepts. but i guess it takes a whole lot more passion and guts to actually act on a thought.

i shan't beat myself up for once...and give myself props for taking the plunge into acting/performing.

as i gather more experiences under my belt, i feel like i'm losing something huge as well. and that's really bugging me. this oddness springs on me during the drive of my work day and totally throws me off.

and when that happens, i just want to cower in a corner and weep.

i guess this means i'm back to my old self.

i've logged off for an hour or so...then decided to come online to write this:

I THINK I'M FALLING IN LOVE...

it's taken me a long while to even try to fulfill that "star prophecy". and last night was the first step. the first of many steps to heighten my profile as a performer.

seriously though, music is the one thing i hold true to my heart. so wherever this road takes me, it WILL end at music.

it was heartening to see familiar faces in the "crowd" last night. not because i wanted to show off...but because we were all so demoralized it really helped to have people cheer you on... the cast enjoyed performing for the whole lot of them. we did much better last night.

like i said in my previous blog, Roxie Hart was my saving grace. ;)

it's been a tough past couple of weeks...but i'm proud to say i got through my first performance, and i'm just a tad bit buffer cuz of the nightly "dance competition" routines.

i love dragon dance.

and i'm looking forward to salsa...once again.

i miss singing...so much.

last week was majorly eventful.

seeing Mayor Rudy Giuliani and all...that was quite the "blow-away" experience.

then saturday evening with the cast was good as well. bad vibes all around, lotsa screaming and swearing, but we were good. i guess we've bonded some. some of us, at least.

hannah and i agreed that this whole production has come to such a point that we just wanna get it over and done with.

i'm just pretty bummed that my first theater experience would be so sucky. it's just sad. and i ain't gonna be able to sing. there's no theme song, no singing parts. the musical has become a play. yucks.

thank god for my saving grace in roxie hart. (you'll get what i mean when you go watch the show)

now before any of you heighten your expectations too much, just know that the play's dumb...it has no depth...and unless you're like me (who derives meaning out of a dumb blond flick even), well...just know that it's not even "mean girls" or "bring it on" good. it's a feeble attempt at theater.

and my role...i'm just a supporting cast member, but i'm just glad to be able to perform. i want to sing, but oh well...

you know the most heartening thing about this whole shebang so far? my boys chased me for when the play is on and all. five minutes after i gave them the publicity postcard, they came back with a sheet of paper, a whole list of names and what time to meet in school. attached to that sheet was the postcard, with the time, place and MY NAME highlighted.

can you see why i love them so much?

Look my way
When you've got nothing to say
It's okay
To let those tears down your face

If things just ain't right
You know you're losing the fight
Let it be
For I'll be there to take you through

Another day
Open your eyes and you'll find
Greater things await your touch
So keep your head high

Tomorrow's just a wink away
You'll live to fight another day

If you think your life is through
And there's nobody there for you
Look my way

Look my way

Meeting Mayor Rudy Giuliani was an emotional experience.

Would love to bore you to death with the emotions I battled with as he smiled at me from his lazy chair, RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME.

I shall tell you tomorrow.

Being up from 5.30am till 1.00am (i'll probably turn off the comp then) is no joke.

All thanks to rehearsals after a day of speeches.

it's about time to get a little insightful.

weeks have passed at a go...and i haven't had the time or energy to pen thoughts down like before. sure, get me to narrate the day's happenings. but no matter how much i'd love to write those tight knots out, i ain't got the strength to.

last night's salsa class was odd...and fiesta was even odder. last night was the first night no one asked me to dance...until this guy came in much later, as i was about to leave. then, he wanted to try out some moves he didn't even know how to...instead of working on the ones he sorta knows, but isn't that good at. remember the short, effeminate guy? we were trying out this new move we learnt, but he simply couldn't get it...then he tried it with this really petite girl, and apparently, she could feel his lead...so oh well. perhaps i was too tall for him. i stood there looking at the whole group dance. the good dancers all had their own partners. there were hardly any beginners around at fiesta. so i left...but i really really wanted to dance.

you see, salsa is the one thing i look forward to every week. no...dancing is what i look forward to. they work me out, but damn...they keep me alive, and sane. i'm even thinking about more hip hop after my musical ends.

i never really had to drag my ass outta bed during the week, even though i have to wake up at about quarter to 6 each morning. but this morning...man...this morning was bad. i woke up at 7 to get ready for this seminar. it was hard. i was so beat.

it's a habit of mine to check up on friends' and acquaintances' blogs (that means about 5. at most.). and i realize why some people stay acquaintances. i would never be able to get along with them.

it's just like i told Soon Tong how i wouldn't be able to get along with men under 30.

earnings season is almost over. and i can concentrate on rehearsals, and look forward to the holiday in mid-september.

but i'm me...and if you know me, you'll know a holiday isn't really a holiday for me in any case.

for now, i just want someone to ask me to dance.

so many times i've been on the verge of tearing today.

and so many times i've held back.

but when i saw the bullfighter deliver that fatal stab, i just couldn't hold it in any longer.

as the bull's knees buckled beneath it and collapsed under its weight, bloodied and lifeless, i wondered aloud (for the umpteenth time in my lifetime) how bullfighting ever became an art form.

the bull is speared many times before the matador actually tries to deliver the fatal blow on horseback. it's teased and tired out and stabbed...time and again. though these causes mere flesh wounds, the gargantuan creature is, nevertheless, worn out.

by the time the matador brings in the "death blow", the bull's already half gone.

and you think the fella just waves his piece of red cloth around. DEAD WRONG.

under the cloth, he holds his sword. everytime he flags the cloth swiftly past the bull, he slashes the bull.

for someone as gung-ho as me and seemingly eek-less, it's odd that i'd turn on the computer just to write this down.

but you know it's really gotten to me when in this fight, the one that left an impression was the bull. not that good-looking latin american matador.

it was a fantastic evening with the dim sum dollies...

there were a few hiccups, hardly noticeable to the untrained eye, but it was all good.

the dollies are the perfect example of a play with great talent in a simple set. with such a talented cast, they probably didn't even need the larger-than-life costumes or the disco balls hanging from above...

i'm still pretty overwhelmed by pam oei, selena tan and emma yong. perhaps i'd be able to write more about them when my mind's not on overdrive...;)

till tomorrow. gute nacht, buenas noches, good night.

everytime i lay my hands on Dan Brown's "The Da Vinci Code", something'll pop up and i'll have to put the book back in the bookcase.

since my mcm days, i've wondered what sorta sick kick people got from putting others down. and i still don't get it. what sorta high would you get from doing such a horrible thing?

had so much on my mind as i logged onto blogger, but hell, they're all gone now.

found one really good dance partner in the class.

unfortunately, he's rather short and effeminate...so it felt slightly odd dancing with him. then again, over in singapore, you can't expect a macho man to be able to pick up something like hip-swiveling in such a short while...;)

and that's why i wanna go out with a latin american guy...something like this would come natural to him.

i'm just crapping out. haha.

i can't believe the instructor told someone i attended two classes, that's why i could follow the steps so easily.

goondus.

how come he never asked if i've danced before huh?

i'm so glad i had a chance to rest yesterday.

today's gonna be "rush-like-a-crazy-woman" day...like anything's changed.

but hey...it's a day before salsa, so i'm happy.

even though i feel like shit now.

i did three reports today.

i shall endeavor to do FOUR in the same amount of time tomorrow.

watch out world...

KISS MY ASS!

i'm sick...i have a nose that could rival a running tap.

but there's a silver lining in all of this...

1) i got some sleep.

2) i got to eat dinner. at home.

these are the things i'm thankful for these days.

extremely thankful.

Lady Liberty looks like a man in drapes and a tiara up close. well, at least cnn's shot of her made her look like a drag.

i won't even begin to describe how bad today was. it was just BAD. so much so that i almost broke down on the way to rehearsals. i was close to begging a seated passenger to giving up his seat on the MRT, because i thought my legs were about to give way.

michael bloomberg's now speaking at the re-opening of Lady Liberty.

it was the second day i took my ring out of its box. the stone really sparkles and even i think that i look like a happily married/engaged woman. it's just odd...the feeling wearing that simple ring can give you. it kinda scares me as well. i mean...in a bizarre sense, wearing the ring sorta perpetuates your singlehood, as well as remind you that you are, indeed, single. hmm.

blar blar blar...americans rule speech...even the kids standing behind the mayor look freakin bored...hmm...Lady Liberty doesn't look too bad from the side.

rehearsals were a bitch today because of the bloody politics. two girls were ranting about not being given enough lines and their characters having no depth. sigh...if you want my lines that badly, take it. but dang...i'm pretty sure i'd outshine you even without speaking. and i'm not boasting. they're really THAT BAD.

note that i am not even listing the reasons for the bad day.

did you see the moon tonight? it was beautiful. sometime between 2230 and 2300hrs, the moon was partially hidden behind folds of clouds. if you missed it, it sorta looked like the image of a full moon in horror movies. there. so much for illustration.

had fleeting thoughts all through my packed schedule (since rehearsals started)...

why are people so afraid of me?

i decided to try running the dragon because i knew it was hard...

besides trying to keep your part of the dragon up and contending with the weight, you also need to keep your balance swing the bloody part with such momentum it wears you out completely.

i was supposed to guide the dragon with the ball, but decided to join in the fun of learning how to run the dragon...something that my boys were doing as well.

it was extremely exhausting and we were drenched in perspiration, but we learnt it together, and that made the experience a lot sweeter.

cookie was shouting his head off at the boys who couldn't really follow, but i was already proud of those little tykes...it really isn't easy just keeping your part up. it really isn't that heavy, but after running with it and manoeuvering it for a bit, you'll feel like you're gonna fall flat on your face in exhaustion.

so yes...my arms and legs are numb with fatigue right now (and i'll feel a lot worse in the morning), but i'm proud i did it. and even though i may not pick it up as fast as the others, i'm trying.

tell me to step aside and show me the ropes if you need to.

but don't tell me to step aside because you think i'm useless.

my boys bought me earrings again...this time, i kept them ;)

them, and an extra pair for our next campfire or night event...

we put on quite a show today. as usual, it was heartwrenching trying to teach them how to dance...but when we actually did it (and even though we screwed up at several points), we looked so natural that people didn't notice our foul-ups! the art of looking (and feeling) like you're enjoying yourself...haha...

the evening was good.

and salsa last night was pretty cool as well.

my brain's so dead that i can't think of anything else to write...and you know how i just hate to narrate what happened.

so good night, sleep tight, and don't let the big bugs bite.

thank you ycsog kids...you made my evening.

see you guys for dragon dance tomorrow...;)

things never do turn out the way you plan for them to.

just like today...when ashley and i got off work slightly earlier, i thought i'd be able to head home for a nap before going off to rehearsals. but my relatives bugged me to go to a lunchtime performance at the esplanade concert hall...and i just had to go. if i had gone home straight after that, i would've been able to rest some, as well as go through my lines. but of course, they didn't go home. they wanted to go have lunch, and then by the time i got home, it was way past 1600hrs. i only had an hour plus to rest before i had to head down to woodlands.

laughed my heart out during my time with the cast, but the end got pretty draggy...we had to iron out several details, including rehearsal days. now that was irritating. but anyways...

felt rather high this morning after downing a cup and a half of tea. i bought tea, terence bought tea...so we had double the goodness.

i was tired.

i am tired.

want to sleep but my hair's still wet.

to think i actually wanted to head to the gym for some triceps-work today. sigh.

a major headache beseiged me straight after rehearsals.

fyi, i ain't playing the principal no more. the principal turned up tonight. i'm back to playing a student, but because this girl who's supposed to play the bitch has pulled out, i'm playing "the wild one".

bleah.

i'm so so tired...

...and worried for my brother. he started off with a sore throat. now he's got a slight fever. this doesn't bode well for someone who's alergic to paracetamol and leukemic (ex).

i need sleep.

if it ain't my mom sounding me out, it's my aunts.

i think my mom's used to my stories about men. my aunts...now they're another story.

i had another BOYFRIEND TALK with my aunt from the US today. i almost fell off the chair when she said "you can go find yourself a boyfriend now". haha.

then we went into this whole thing about how this thing can't be forced, and how is it possible to "go find" a boyfriend. like...hello? i ain't trippin...

and why force something you know isn't easy?

perhaps i have the words "SABO ME" tattooed in invisible ink (that only few can spot) on my forehead.

remember i got "SABO-ed" to sing something with Lobo the last time i went on the cruise? this time, i was asked to bring the performer a bouquet of flowers! man...that was so hilarious. halfway through watching robin goh (talented guy but one who's been weeded out with the influx of pretty faces) sing, the cruise staff came to me and asked if i would hand the flowers to him. geez...

and as if that wasn't enough, my relatives pushed me to join the karaoke competition (which i won)...

i think the heavens don't want me to get tanned. everytime i try to get some sunshine on my freakishly pale skin, the sky would become overcast. and my bro and parents would heave sighs of relief because they've always told me not to get too much sun. arrgghh!!! i want my tan!!

anyways...so while walking with my family past the library on the cruise, one of the cute staff (a guy, obviously) turned around and smiled at me. i thought he just happened to turn to speak to his colleague and met my eyes or something, that's why. then today, after disembarking, this same guy was wheeling this old lady out of the cruise center. he was waiting for his colleague, and i was waiting for my cousins to get outta the washrooms. then i turned and chanced upon him just looking at me. and he just kept looking! wah lau...freaky shit...haha.

i'm tired...i come home to grab my CD, then head down to school to teach the guys some hip hop for next week's performance. i had a good work out...haha.

then i find out during a brief meeting...that i'm to choreograph and do something with the boys for the anniversary dinner this november. then i find out i'm the emcee. then i find out i'm to be the fella who swings the dragon ball thingee around while the elders and performing the dragon dance.

dang. look who'd busy...

i'm SO looking forward to salsa this friday!!!

okay...i gotta go read my monologue. wish me luck...;)

what did i tell ya? rehearsals are absolute funness...

today's time with the cast was (as the director, dennis, puts it) "redundant". it wasn't because we were fantastic actors, but rather...the ones who were supposed to be the drivers of the play didn't show up. not for one rehearsal.

so the guy sits me and this other girl (who's really one of the main "student" characters) down after rehearsals...and while he's having dinner, asks if i would like to try playing the principal.

now i was shocked. because...you see...this principal character is absolutely bogus. she's the stereotypical principal who's really old, but not married. well...at least that's what the script seems to say. dennis came up with this part with a really pudgy girl in mind...so it was very odd he'd ask me to play the principal since i don't even look comical. or do i? hmm...food for thought.

but oh well, i said i'd try...so the whole weekend on the cruise ship's gonna be spent trying to memorize the bloody monologue and working on comic timing...haha.

it should be fun...i'll just go freakin wild!

so uh...if i do snitch this role, then be prepared to see a totally different serene...haha...or an actor serene.

i just hope i wouldn't have to sing like a freakin frigid principal! ;)

it's late and i still haven't yet come up with a topic for tomorrow's discussion/interview.

but not to worry, for serene thrives on stress and uncertainty and only...yes ONLY produces good work if her mind's totally messed up...*evil grin*

watch out world.

i had a mother of a gastric attack yesterday. man...it sucked major.

my energy level was so low today, and i was so easily irritable. fortunately i wasn't given enough ammunition to flare up at anyone...haha. i just sighed the whole day through...which was bad enough already.

didn't even have the energy to go for rehearsals today...and i really wanted to because rehearsals, tiring as they may be (purely because they're on till so late), they're still loadsa fun.

it seems like an awfully short week, because my days are so packed.

wednesday. work, meetings...

thursday. work, press conference, rehearsals.

friday. work, packing stuff for cruise, meet my boys, cruise.

dang. what a week this will be...;)

sometimes you get absolutely pissed by someone.
 
then one sweet gesture by the person would erase all the horrible shit he puts you through.
 
in my case, it's a group of people who did something really sweet for me today.  it may have been a really small gesture on their part, but hey...it made my day.  and it got plenty of people thoroughly jealous.
 
earrings are such small details.  people used to assume i had ear holes until i pointed out that i didn't.  and when i did get my ears pierced (last october), everyone thought that they were there all along.
 
so where the hell am i going with this?
 
well, my boys gave me a pair of "flourescent light stick" earrings at the zhonghua campfire today.  while i may not have exhibited it, i was truly surprised...and in shock...and touched.  especially when everyone stared, then asked where i got those light earrings from.
 
so for the rest of the evening, i was slip-sliding away...floating...on cloud nine...whatever.
 
the day ended perfect.

if you know me, you'd know that i was freaked about last night's "speech"...well, all the way till last night, that is.
 
it sure didn't help that the two guys who spoke before me were such dynamic and energetic speakers.  but i guess it was kinda cool to have a girl speak in the obviously testosterone-dominated panel.
 
i figured i didn't do too badly, since i actually made some people laugh.  i'm someone with horrid comic timing, so it really is a feat to have someone laugh at the jokes i crack...so yeah, i guess i'm proud of how i did last night.
 
rehearsals for college girls have been increased to three nights a week.  i don't know how i'm gonna get through the next week all bright-eyed but i'll try.  it really is all about your attitude, i suppose.
 
i really can't wait for salsa to start on friday nights so i'll have something to look forward to...and you'll probably see a re-energized me every monday.  i never expected how much i loved to dance until recently.  and when i say dance...i don't mean house or disco but more latin and hip hop...haha...
 
imagine...once that starts, it'll be like poly days for me all over again...when i'd hardly got home before 2300 hrs.  well, during poly, i hardly ever got home before 0100 hrs...so this'd be a huge improvement.
 
dragon dance training's gonna start August...so that should be fun as well.  thought i just really wanna get my hands on the lion dance drum.  oh well.  so many things, so little time.
 
sometimes it feels no one understands
i don't even know why i do the things i do
when pride builds me up till i can't see my soul
will you break down these walls and call me through...
 
- Journey, Corrinne May

last night's dream has been eating me up...

it was just so surreal...

some time ago, anita and robin asked me about cole...and she asked why it wasn't at all possible for us to get back together (after i shook my head furiously when she asked).

in my dream, where i was with cole...i actually thought back about what anita said and smiled.

and that's the scary part.

i think i dreamt about cole last night.

it's either him or someone who looks like him...hmm...

i dreamt that we got along, and we were happy. very happy, in fact.

it was one of those rare nights i actually had such a sweet dream...(i usually have nightmares).

i guess i miss him...well, maybe not him...but i miss having a good friend.

a really good friend.

the krispy kremes are here!!!

and my brother tells me he's gonna wake up early tomorrow, grab all the krispy kremes and stash them somewhere...so my relatives won't be able to find it and he can have it all to himself...haha...

so today was jam-packed. well, sorta. the photoshoot was a disappointment. we spent most of the time walking around far east, looking for costumes...then went back to woodlands cc for the shoot. apparently, i was the most unnatural...and i knew that, because i just can't act sultry, or look bitchy, or act ultra sweet. if you ask me to pose, i'll just fold my arms and...either give you my trademark "mickey" grin, or not smile at all.

though i suppose the rehearsals were a lot more fun. i didn't pull off adelaide's lament the way i wanted to, but it was still well-received, because no one's heard of it before!

i did the hip hop routine and they thought it looked great...haha...a couple of people even commented earlier that i have a dancer's physique and whether i was lying about not being a dancer. (little do they know i got all my moves from the gym...that's why it's so well-choreographed!)

i'm so tired...got home past 2300hrs. everyone but my brother (who'll be sleeping in my room as well for the duration of my relatives' stay) was already sleeping.

it's been a long day for everyone. and a super-long week for me.

now i have to write up a monologue/act for thursday evening and think of what the hell to tell those old geezers at the seminar friday!

damn those short skirts and cutesy poses!!

this simple song struck me.

it's like...you don't miss him, but there are times you wonder why you don't...

As I sit and watch the snow
Fallin' down
I don't miss you at all
I hear children playin' laughin' so loud
I don't think of your smile

So if you never come to me
You'll stay a distant memory
Out my window I see light doing dark
Your dark eyes don't haunt me

And then I wonder who I am
Without the warm touch of your hand

And then I wonder who I am
Without the warm tough of your hand
As I sit and watch the snow
Fallin' down

I don't miss you at all
I don't miss you at all
I don't miss you at all

- Don't Miss You At All, Norah Jones

i realize i've become a lot more passive these days.

perhaps age is catching up with me.

in the past, i'd push for things to happen. but now, if the guys don't wanna do it, i'll just give a "whatever" and leave. no point in pushing it.

but hey...that "whatever" usually does the trick. ;)

i wish people would stop telling me how busy they are and verbally lining up their chores for the week. and i wish they'd stop implying how i can never find time in my "busy" schedule to meet up with them.

because unlike them, i need to be alone at times. i already hardly have time for myself. i need to breathe. i need some space in my own little corner. i just wanna be able to lie back, shut my eyes and breathe easy.

starting next week, things will get a lot more hectic, and i don't suppose i'll get time to myself until two weeks later, when i get on the cruise ship with the family. i say i'll get time to myself because they'll all be at the casino and i'll be hanging in the room...

if you've kept up with my recent blogs, you'd know how busy i'd be and why. and i ain't gonna spell out everything that i'll be doing till the time is through.

but i'll be so busy that my aunt and cousins coming over from LA won't be able to see me that often during their time here. and get this: they're staying at my place.

how pathetic is that?

sigh...will write more in a bit...since people seem to find shorter blogs more digestible...;)

for so little practise, i suppose we did okay.

and for guys with such short attention spans, i guess teaching them that much in a few hours is helluva feat in itself.

even chou hong, who refused to dance, learnt some steps from those i taught yesterday...

i guess i oughta be pretty proud of myself ;)

we should've done a longer hip hop routine...if only we had more time to practise, and if they all were as enthusiastic from the beginning...

oh well. rome wasn't built in a day.

but i've already created inroads in my rome...*grin*

this is cool shit...haha...


E.T.!


What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
brought to you by Quizilla

man...i never realized how much i depended on the telly to get through those long nights.

and it's not like i actually sit down and watch the programs. i have it on while i'm doing my research, surfing the net...reading...you'd think that i'd be able to get along just fine without it. DEAD WRONG.

i felt so lost for the past few nights when my dad borrowed the SCV set-top box for the euro 2004 finals. i had both computers on...one with kulak's woodshed's performances streaming from LA...and the other streaming kiisfm's radio show. hell...i simply couldn't concentrate! not because of all the noise that's going on, but because when i swivel my chair around, i'm greeted by...a blank screen. and it just feels so odd.

for three nights i felt odd. haha...

oh...by the way, i've booked my tickets to NYC and LA for september! will be gone from the 19th to 1st october. it's really time-consuming, but really fun as well to search for the cheapest fares...and to convince my mom that staying in a hostel for a few nights ain't such a bad thing...especially if it's on 47th street! that's just a few avenidas away from rockefeller center, radio city music hall and times square!

i think my mom will have a lotta fun traveling with me. for one...we don't have a bloody tour guide on our backs and we don't have to rush.

i just wish my brother could join us though. we'd paint the town red! haha... but mom should be fine with me...as long as i can take her shopping for a bit, she's happy ;)

it turns out i will have more days in LA than i expected...and so...i'm planning a trip to mexico! and my mom's so trippin'! cuz she really ain't too comfy about being in such a "foreign" place...(aka, non-english speaking) she's really gotta thank the heavens that i just have to brush up a little on my spanish to get by over there.

i gotta confess that i'm planning the trip over the weekend (though i ain't sure if it's a good idea now) because i don't wanna have to spend more time with my aunt's husband as i would already have to during the week evenings. he's such a freakin' MCP and i've got such a strong personality that BAD sparks would fly when we face off...haha. believe me, i've tried time and again to keep my thoughts to myself...until i really couldn't stand it anymore. i'm so happy he's a taiwanese who's still got a bad grasp on english...and i can get my kicks by being horribly sarcastic and he wouldn't get it! yes yes...cheap thrill, i know.

i love spanish

i love spanish

i love spanish