i would never have expected anyone to question the existence of the SSTT.

for the unconverted and ignorant, the SSTT is the Sesame Street Tag Team.

when i told the other guys about this fella who asked why we existed, they were shocked.

but since someone had posted that question to me, i shall answer.

the sstt came about pretty naturally...there was no effort at all in forming it. and i believe that bonding starts at the bottom...if we can start bonding as a small group and we succeed, and people see that we succeed, it's a fantastic example of what we're about. and that's what ycsog is - we stick by each other. because it's our unity that makes us so special. that's what we want to see from the boys...as well as educate and equip them with more skills...expose them to what other scouts are doing, so they won't feel as left out. i'm not saying we can do it, but we will try.

there you go.

elmo asked if there was a need to justify our existence.

i guess not.

we need to be so comfortable with each other that while we don't need to be updated on everything each of us does, we need to be able to trust each other to make the right decisions.

as i've told them...over time, the name "sstt" will be changed to "ycsog".

because we build bonds that will never break.

i had so wanted to just crash into a deep slumber.

i had wanted to forget about the happenings of the past week, as well as this morning.

but now...i want to remember this night for a long time to come.

tonight, a little boy made me an innocent, yet significant promise.

this boy has been going through shit of late, yet he's been a total rock for me...keeping me from falling and all.

he'd walk with me to yangzheng much earlier than he was supposed to be there.

he'd stay in the scout den with me while i would be rushing through my work feverishly.

he'd offer me that great smile of his...which was especially helpful when i broke down today.

today was an emotional rollercoaster ride. i don't even know how i got through the day...or the morning.

first thing this morning felt like i was transported back to camp new hope in mcgregor, minnesota.

my cookie friend acted up and started punching everything in sight.

frankly, i was scared shitless. but i somehow managed to run after him and stopped him from doing a few stupid things. nevertheless, he still ended up with bleeding knuckles.

then after, things seemed to be fine until, once again, i got angry at a particular person and couldn't even bear to speak to him anymore. i guess everything just came at me and i couldn't handle it. the moment i sat down, i started tearing and soon, mere tears turned to breathless sobs.

let's cut to the chase. after i got home at about 6 plus in the evening, i got an sms from the little boy.

he asked if i was all right, and asked me to keep smiling. to which...i replied i was fine then, and told him not to worry.

he then replied that he really wants to give me a hug. i told him i really needed a hug then (much earlier), but i'm fine now and thanks for the thought anyways.

then he said it was because i cared so much for him that he wants to return that care. and he can't bear to see me sad.

that did it for me. but there's more...

during the course of the past 3 hours or so, he's been pouring his troubles to me, at the same time, trying to keep me from falling.

i knew he was depressed because his msn nick was changed to "i am crashing". he was feeling too stressed up by surrounding circumstances.

i guess we just tried to lift each other up...and i told him i that i don't know how much longer i can stand "caring", because i was afraid i'd crumble from the weight of other people's problems one day.

he said not to worry, for he'll be there. and he'll hold me up when i'm about to fall.

so i ask what if i crumble without warning. and he says i cannot simply crumble because he needs me to hold him when he's falling as well.

so yes...we agreed to remind each other how we'd get through this period of sadness and tough times together.

we agreed to be there to hug each other when the going gets tough.

and his simple promise was evident in his new nick: "although i may be crashing, but i will still be there for you".

i love you little one.

and for you, i will not fall.

been way too busy and fucked up to write the past few days.

again, he's made me dive head-first down into the depths of emotionless purgatory from the high point i was at.

i hate this.

i don't need to be treated like this.

i don't owe anyone anything.

wait...maybe i do.

i owe myself aplenty.

i guess this 14th of february is gonna be a non-issue, just like the other seemingly big days in other people's lives.

there's the birthday...the various celebratory holidays...then the anniversaries.

i do not celebrate any of these purely because there's nothing to celebrate.

i'm one of those people who feel extremely low when other people jump for joy when christmas comes by.

never in my life have i ever received, nor given a valentine. so hell...i shouldn't even be contemplating anything this year. oh, by the way, i was disappointed again. it felt painful for a while, then i chided myself...managed to keep from feeling stupidly weak.

i've decided. no matter how badly i had hoped to go for that concert with someone, i think i'll go alone. if not for the concert, at least for a walk down the waterfront. i need to remind myself how stupid it is to feel so victimized. i need to be able to walk with my head held high in the sea of cookie-cutter models.

i need to be strong. i need to be.

but if all those dates are non-issues, why am i ranting about them all the time?

and why do i cry whenever they swing by?

"i hope he doesn't disappoint you anymore" - cookie.

the way i see it, i've been setting myself up for disappointment after disappointment all this while.

i always knew that it's never going to occur, but somehow, i'd allow people around to convince me of the good that's in him.

of course, i know there's good in him.

cookie says he doesn't understand him. he's known him for almost 7 years and he realizes he doesn't know him...odd thing is he thinks he knows me better.

i guess most of the guys do know him for what he is - cocky, casanova, every girl's dream date.

what they don't get is the man i see - still cocky, pained, confused, scared shitless, coward, clueless when it comes to the people he loves.

he's not my dream date. he may think he's a casanova, but not in my books.

but the fact remains that he won me over. and that's something to think about.

what the hell serene?

check this out...i'm freaked.


Your wings are BROKEN and tattered. You are
an angelic spirit who has fallen from grace for
one reason or another - possibly, you made one
tragic mistake that cost you everything. Or
maybe you were blamed for a crime you didn't
commit. In any case, you are faithless and
joyless. You find no happiness, love, or
acceptance in your love or in yourself. Most
days are a burden and you wonder when the
hurting will end. Sweet, beautiful and
sorrowful, you paint a tragic and touching
picture. You are the one that few understand.
Those that do know you are likely to love you
deeply and wish that they could do something to
ease your pain. You are constantly living in
memories of better times and a better world.
You are hard on yourself and self-critical or
self-loathing. Feeling rejected and unloved,
you are sensitive, caring, deep, and despite
your tainted nature, your soul is
breathtakingly beautiful.


*~*~*Claim Your Wings - Pics and Long Answers*~*~*
brought to you by Quizilla

last night was the zenith. it was pure craziness.

jas, yingli and i went for a movie...and a midnight one at that.

it was fun...and this is the kinda bonding i hope we call can have.

big daddy fenix said he's never talked to anyone in YCS the same way he's spoken to me. and he's glad that we mesh so well.

well i'm glad too big C (the cookie monster).

he said they never had that much bonding in the past...and that it's different now.

i'm thinking everything that's happening now isn't coerced, and that it's all pretty natural. i guess we just feel so comfortable with each other we can dispense with all that formality crap.

yingli had wanted to keep me out till i was totally exhausted so i'd just go home and crash...and not think about anything else. i'm glad i stayed out.

cuz the moment i woke up this morning...all those thoughts came flooding right back...haha.

big C and i spent quite a bit chatting. and i asked jiahao as well if he thinks i'm real. he said he doesn't know.

what he did say though...was how sisterly i was...haha.

yingli...both cookie monster and i have agreed to let you into the sesame street gang. we sorta agree that you're the "elmo" type...but please feel free to tell us who your favorite character is so we can bestow its name upon you...haha. don't worry, we won't judge...haha.

let our sesame street spirit be so widespread no one ever knew hatred...

sunny day, sweeping the clouds away
on my way, to where the air is sweet
can you tell me how to get
how to get to sesame street...

big daddy fenix said something about reaching out to people.

and oddly enough, i think we make a great team...the sesame street tag team...haha.

as i thought of ways to reach out to the different people i deal with, it dawned on me that i didn't have to think of ways at all. people obviously already feel comfortable enough with me to even wanna begin to associate with me.

i love these kids. i know it's kinda premature to say so, but my heart sings at the thought of them. i'm not kidding.

on the flip side, things don't seem to be going so well for a couple of other people right now.

i wish i could help more...but i know i shouldn't.

i just hope she wouldn't end up like me...jaded, cold and irrational.

wine connection is good.

it's hidden deep in the jungle of dempsey road...and you can't get in without a vehicle, but hell...it's the most romantic wine bar i've ever been to.

perhaps i was just too tired to care, or simply too fatigued to actually take in any contrary factors.

it was a long day...couple with loadsa screw-ups.

but it was a good day spent with the bosses. thru the shit we've been put thru yesterday, i guess we bonded in some ways.

thank you shit.

Hi there!

It's been quite a ride to finally arriving at this point of meeting you.

My name's Serene Lim and I'm your phonecaster. So here's a little about myself:

I graduated with a Diploma in Mass Communication from Ngee Ann Polytechnic in 2001, majoring in Print-, Broadcast-, Radio- and Photo-journalism, and Spanish. While getting my Diploma, I was a part-time broadcast journalist with Newsradio 93.8's business desk. SBS Transit came a-knockin' about half a year after graduation and I joined them as a corporate communications officer, hosting roadshows, writing articles and press releases, as well as tending to complaints. Singapore Airlines had me as a cabin crew member for a year and a half, and here I am now - the first PHONECASTER Singapore's ever known.

So what's Serene really like beneath all that jazz?

I'm one of two girl scouts (not a guide!) in an open scout group and I ain't afraid to say that I love my boys. They're the ones who keep me sane and grounded in the midst of all the hustle and bustle of city life. If I ain't in the scout den, you'd find me poring over my sheet music at the Esplanade library, scribbling incessantly in my journal at the waterfront or doing whatever I can, wherever I am, to make people smile.

It's extremely exciting to be the voice of Phonecast and part of the entire team at Hong Bao Media Holdings. What lies ahead may seem daunting for the group of us, but we are working hard and well together to make everything happen.

YOU are the reason I am here, and for that, I thank you.

And oh yes...did I mention I love making people smile?

Yours,
Serene Lim
Phonecaster

i've been so busy these couple of days that i seem to have lost track of time.

four hours at SIASR each morning...they just fly past like that. i can't even begin to imagine how stressed up and shitty it'll be like once the service is up and running, and i'll only have two hours in there.

my whole week's packed with lunches, dinners and meetings. i'm only into the second day of my time in SIASR's office...and i suppose it's tough to bond with your colleagues because you only spend less than half a day there, plus, you don't even have lunch with them.

i don't know if it's a good idea for ray to handle phonecast's account, but i got the bosses to give him a shot. and they gave me full rein on the website design...phew.

this is my baby we're talking about here...so i'm gonna do my mostest to make sure this whole thing takes off. it's freakin' scary, but it's also somewhat fulfilling to know that all this is in your hands...and you're the only one who can make this work. your bosses don't mean shit because they aren't gonna be doing the daily shit work...you are. and since i'm the only phonecaster in singapore right now...i'll be making history...woo-hoo....!!!

imagine this...serene's making history...*wink*

tomorrow night's gonna be interesting...next friday's the big day...i think it'll be the biggest day of my young professional life...it's my day and i'm gonna make sure everyone knows it's mine...haha.

crazy ass serene.

i slept on it...and what's left is the residual effect of a teary night.

i'm writing this as i watch "planet food" on discovery travel and adventure...they're introducing mexican food. i so miss my tortillas and tacos.

my eyes are still the same (one big and one small)...my head's somewhat heavier...and i still need to get out.

"big daddy fenix" is back...haha...and he msged me last night. alas, i was already asleep on tears.

i felt relieved when i got his msg, because it means i'd see him today and tomorrow...and that's a good thing.

i need a swearing buddy now.

today was fun. it was raining for most of the time, but it was fun.

the running around took me away from the expectations that surround me, even if for a little while.

i guess i knew i was stressed somewhat, but i threw it all into busying myself; tiring myself out.

at the end of the day, i decided to walk home. i thought the weather was perfect for taking in.

instead, the moment the van drove off, i started tearing. it got so bad i almost crouched at a corner in the HDB block next to the school to calm my nerves...but well, i just kept walking.

and i thought the rain would soothe my pain.

i don't know how the hell i could put up such a brave face in front of those guys.

i'm hurting so much inside right now and they don't have a clue.

nobody has a clue.

i wish for you to be silent
that way no one would know
the pain you've put me through
and why i let you go

i tried so hard to forgive
with my heart and soul i did
but then i came to realize
the hurt could not subside

i wish you could be me for a day
that way you'll see it's true
a person can ony take so much
but for you i'd gladly do

all that's in the past now
the show must go on
i thought i'd help you by hurting me
but now i see i was wrong

we've come to the end of our road
i hope this finds you well
i blame myself for not helping you
become a better man

i'm sorry.

something i stumbled upon in my notebook. think i wrote that almost three years ago...can't really remember why i wrote it though.

today was lazy.

spent most of the day at home, simply chillin' and relishing my new bedspread and quilt cover.

i really should go to bed now.

good morning serene!

serene cannot feel.

she should not feel because once she does, end of story.

it'll be tough to pull her outta her space right now.

the only thing you can do is to listen and be there for her. so if and when this happens again, you'll be there to keep those tears from falling.

because she knows that you are there for her. and nothing else matters.

i'm thoroughly ashamed of myself.

i had thought myself to be stronger than that.

i scoff at those who get weak in the presence of feelings.

today, i scoff at myself.

get a grip you wussy...you're better than that.

i need someone to yank me outta this.

as mark and i stepped out into the humidity, he sighed and took off the sunglasses perched atop his head.

it was pouring.

i tried to hide my smile. to me, rain was good. don't get me wrong. i love the sun, but the rain came at the right time.

i felt quite daunted in the session with mark today because i simply wasn't progressing the way i wanted to. today, it seemed like i couldn't quite grasp everything as fast.

i got so stressed up that i wanted to burst into tears. but the moment i saw the rain, that feeling just went away.

perhaps it was the element of water...i don't know. like...someone else is weeping, so i shouldn't.

whatever it was, rain's good today.

frankly, i came in late last night, needing to spill some uncertainties. then i convinced myself to hit the sack, sleep over it and see how things would clear up by morning.

those thoughts haven't quite cleared up really. in fact, it's hogging my mind right now simply because i'm home, sitting around, and waiting for stress to eat me up so i can start working on my stories before my meeting in three hours.

there. i said it.

i thought i had let go, and that things would head back to pre-feeling days. unfortunately, after his "confession" last evening, i felt almost relieved to realize that i wasn't the only one who was trying to forget.

i had somehow convinced myself that he's no longer part of my life. i had even managed to stop "pushing" him to realize his full potential. i just kept my hands off him the whole of yesterday.

but after that one sms, i kinda wondered if i was simply in denial over the past couple of weeks.

i was so stressed up and busy that he hardly ever crept into my mind...and in that sense, i thought i had "let go".

i guess i still gotta work on actually letting go.

perhaps we should start on a clean slate.

hello ray! glad you offered to help. perhaps we could meet this afternoon to see how we can revive the rover unit?

i think i'm gaining quite a reputation for myself, and i'm not sure if that's a good thing.

sure...i'm hoping people would know me enough to want to listen to my reports. and i guess being "known" is a way of putting my scout group, as well as my service, out to the public.

but i'm not sure if me being outspoken is rubbing people the right way, especially when it comes to those who've been doing things the same way for decades.

over the years, i've realized how unnecessary it is to have everyone like you. so i've sorta dropped the whole "smile even when you're feeling shitty" ditty. surprisingly, i seem to be garnering even more attention when i don't smile. geez...the quirks of the world.

i hope through me being straight, people would learn to respect my scout group as one that does not conform.

i certainly do not want to misrepresent my scout group in any way.

as much as i don't need to have everyone like me, it'd be nice if the people in my group respect me enough to adapt to my style.

it'd be nice if i'd be seen as an asset.

i've recently acquired a penchant for faux-caring.

i say "faux" because i'm not sure if i'm genuine.

i think i may be, but i can't be too sure because i could probably be coercing myself to think such to keep me from falling back into the dark walls of obscurity.

i've recently taken so much upon myself that i'm constantly bummed out, as well as angry.

i'm not sure if i'm angry with the people around me, or simply angry with myself for getting so stressed up over the unnecessary.

i've lost that pained feel over new year's, but a new feel of irrepressible urgency has taken over...and i'm not sure if that's a good thing.

oh whatever. i've recently gained two brother- and one sister-figures.

i'm glad to be of some sorta influence in their lives, but am not sure if they should really be associating with someone like me. my cynicism tends to rub off on everyone.

i keep using the word "i"...shit.

can't i indulge in narcissism for a bit?

apparently i can't.

because i'm serene.

and serene is nice, selfless, independent, focussed, intellectual and eloquent.

and fucked up.

i just realized that besides yen, i've been surrounded by the species from mars of late.

and that's pretty disturbing.

i'm lacking female presence...freakish.

i mean...i talk about scouting almost everyday in my conversations with the megatron, my two immediate bosses are male, the two people i'll be working closely with starting february are male...geez...

is my quarter of a male brain expanding into the other hemisphere? i sure hope not.

which got me thinking: how the hell will i be able to get along with whiny females the next time i get into contact with them?

for starters, i was never a fan of giggly girls who'd talk about nothing but fashion, make-up and their latest crushes.

so now that i'm with this group, i seem to be feeling worse about my species.

holy shit...this cannot be happening.

面总带着微笑的她
似乎无优无虑

在那灿烂笑容背后
藏着许许多多的心事

她曾试过抛开在心深处的烦恼
但在逃避之中
竟发觉自己其实是越陷越深

满腔愤慨会有谁能听得懂？

谁有勇气面对真正的林诗音？

今天下午到访理工学院时碰见了几位认识的教师。

在离开那儿之前，突然想起coleman，并拉着燕燕到了他办公室说声好。

他记忆还真不错，还记得我曾提到燕燕在澳洲读书的事。

离开他办公室时，燕燕再次问我为何会和coleman 停止来往。

说实在的，当我试着回想当时的情景，眼前只出现一片模糊。

最令人安慰的是，虽然我和他是不可能有男女之间的关系，但我们依然是彼此的知
己。

昨晚写了一些废话：

“我名叫 林诗音。

小时候，我常问母亲本名的来原。

母亲说父亲为我取了“SERENE” 这英文名，是希望我会有温和的格性，文雅的气质。


母亲取了“诗音”这名，不只是为了配合“SERENE”的音声。

她，和父亲一样，希望女儿能变成一位拥有“诗”和“音”两字的才艺。

很参愧的是，女儿并没父亲所定为的“文雅气质”。但女儿确实是有音乐和吟诗的
才华。

女儿长大了。

虽然她并不象平凡的女孩，但却有自己独特的风格。

就因她这“独特的风格”，没人曾让她心动过。

别让我的STYLE 把你给吓跑。

我其实是蛮温馨的。”

真无聊。

多谢你们的重视，把我带进童军组。

希望能从你那儿学到更多童军与人生有关的事。

i just got off the phone with bubba.

as i listened to his troubles and spoke to him, it suddenly dawned on me how simple and clear things were.

issue number 1: LOVE

he told me how he gets depressed at times because everything bad seems to happen at the same time, and that the only thing/person he can blame for his depression is his ex. i wouldn't say he's jaded about love, but i can't say he's totally open to loving someone else right now.

i cited nat king cole's LOVE as a tune that "unjades" me. he told me that song got him depressed. i said it shouldn't...because it cuts through all the bullshit of pain and heartbreak, putting LOVE - the emotion - out there in the simplest of terms.

L - is for the way you look at me
O- is for the only one i see
V - is very very extraordinary
E - is even more than anyone that you adore and...

Love, is all that i can give to you
Love, is more than just a game for two
Two in love can make it
Take my heart but please don't break it
Love was made for me and you.

now that's the whole song. when you look at the fundamentals of a relationship, love and respect should form the base. anything that comes in after that initial "butterflies in stomach" feeling should not be treated as gospel.

when two get lost in the hustle and bustle of daily living, it's easy to lose track of those fundamentals that brought them both together in the first place.

people rationalize too much...thinking of things way ahead of schedule.

i've been trying to put things into perspective for a lot of people in the past couple of days. though they all have different issues to deal with, i've been singing the same refrain of "go with that gut feel and let your heart do the talking for once", ie don't rationalize too much.

i know i know...for those who've been keeping up with my blogs, you're probably thinking "how can the pot be giving such advice to the kettle?" i say i've gotten myself out of that bind...that story in a while. right now, i believe that while following the heart doesn't always bode well, it's the heart that teaches us the most, not the head.

we experience things...we hurt from these experiences...we learn from this hurt not to dive into such shit again. so isn't the heart the organ that's teaching our brain how to work?

so the question on your mind now is "so when should the head take over?"

the head should take over when the heart fails to give you an inkling. i say "an inkling" because whatever the head decides, should the heart feel otherwise, however slightly, the heart should always prevail.

i've been going with my head way too much.

true...going with my heart was painful, but i got through it, and what doesn't break you makes you stronger.

i asked mark last afternoon (while walking to the mrt station) when we should stop helping the people we've been trying to help forever.

he came up with a whole list of things...but the thing that stuck in my mind was "serene, there are times when the only solution to waking the person up is to let go".

there...he said it. and it was at that moment that i DID let go.

i'd probably have to explain why mark's words mean so much...bear with me for a while. this is a story i'd love to share in person if i had the chance to. it's truly inspiring.

the first time i met mark was at olio dome wheelock. i was to meet him and angus (my other boss) for a short interview session for this one position.

i was honest. i told them i knew nothing about the financial markets and the business world. at the end of that session, they kept saying how they liked my honesty and personality. and if anything were to get me the job, my warmth would be it. they were seeing a pool of other people at that time.

a couple of meetings later, i quit SQ and started training with mark. i wasn't employed by them just yet, but mark said he saw a tremendous amount of potential in me and it would be a waste not to pip me up to my full potential. he said he'd want me to go away from this entire experience learning something...even if the company did not hire me.

the company did hire me. and they actually pushed away people who've had more experience in the field than i have...and were way more competent in terms of knowledge. i was bewildered...so while i was beside myself with excitement, i had to ask why they decided to take me in.

mark said "serene, you are what we've been looking for. you may not have the knowledge, but you're an honest and warm person. our listeners would definitely appreciate that. we could've gotten someone who had all the knowledge in the world, but had no personality. now that would've been disastrous".

so we've been meeting regularly to work on my knowledge, as well as writing and voicing skills. these meetings have taken my respect for mark to a whole new level. he genuinely wants me to do well. he feels responsible towards me. no matter how daunting each training session with him got, he'd end each session trying to encourage me...giving me positive reinforcements many times in the course of each meeting.

most importantly, he believed in me when i couldn't believe in myself anymore.

"serene, i won't let you down, no matter how hard you try to put yourself down."

thank you mark. you've inspired me in more ways than one.

thank you for taking me under your wing. it's gonna be a helluva ride, but i'm all geared up for it...purely because you believe in me.

i'm in a very good place right now.

yen said i seem to have a soft spot for him.

i admitted it. then added that coleman has a soft spot for me too, but that doesn't mean we're getting together.

i remember a line from sex and the city: there are some dates you just can't wait to keep, and some dates you know just will never happen.

sounds strange? let me break it down for you. carrie was trying to avoid this guy she'd be out on a date with the next day because she didn't want him to see her all "frumpy". as she was running away from the park (where he suddenly stopped by), she bumped into THE EX. and so, they talked about catching up over coffee sometime.

so there you have it...the latter is a date you know you just won't keep.

i had a startling revelation last night when a certain someone confided in me. he was having trouble understanding his girlfriend...

as i listened, i drew so many parallels between this brother of mine and him. and i'm sure, at the same time, she must be wishing how my dear brother would confide in her the way he was confiding in me.

i feel for her...really. they seem to be playing out my experiences in the past couple of months.

i never saw jason as someone who'd be so damn similar to him. but last night got me wondering if it's simply a guy thing.

she and i...we write, we fuss, and we mull over things that seem totally inconsequential. most times, we get frustrated because there're way too many unanswered questions floating about in our minds...these questions stemming from our experiences with these two males. and it sure doesn't help that these two males either do not understand our grey matter, or worse still, understand everything but do not see a need to respond to it.

i wrote raymond a long note in a book. it contained so many questions i thought were absolutely blatant, but he just read it, and stuffed it in his bag. was he too overwhelmed to respond? did he not understand me? i could not read him. i don't even know why he picked up those pages after i tore them out and flung them into the bin.

and there are times when he says he's sorry...and you know he doesn't mean it because he's just saying it to appease you. he doesn't realize he's in the wrong.

obviously, us two girls feel guilty for knowing that these two guys stress just to understand us. that's why we keep beating ourselves up over it. we feel guilty as well...seeing how other couples get along fabulously, and seem to have some sort of stability and quiet understanding between them.

this deep connection i used to think ray and i share, it still is there because we are, essentially, quite similar. in fact, we think so alike it's stupid to talk to each other sometimes. and he doesn't realize it, but that's what's impeding our communication - him thinking that i understand him thoroughly. he keeps saying how he doesn't know me, doesn't know how i think or what i want him to do. i tell him that isn't the point. how the hell can he know me better if he doesn't even want to talk to me? i mean...really talk.

these two guys are excellent communicators. unfortunately, when it comes to us, they fumble.

and that's something to think about.

these two males should also realize that we aren't sheep. and we don't conform to a certain mould.

jason...like i've told you time and again, hable con ella.

raymond...again, (and i hate reiterating this) whether you're sick of this whole "what does she want" issue and want me to fuck off or actually want to get to know me better (god forbid...haha), hable con mi.

i think i deserve to keep at least that bit of pride.

as i walked home about 11 plus tonight, i looked up and saw the full moon.

the chinese say that the moon is at its roundest and brightest on the fifteenth.

i say tonight's the brightest i've ever seen the moon.

so there i was...standing in the middle of a carpark, staring right up at dear mr moon. and he seemed to be smiling at me. i thought only the sun had rays, but mr moon seemed to have ten arms sticking out tonight.

when i looked at the moon, i thought of brendan...and how innocent he looked when he told me how he loved to look at the night sky.

brendan...a guy who never spoke more than five words to me at any one time.

as complex as i had thought everything out to be, brendan broke it down for me.

things suddenly seem so clear.

mark gave me the day off today...

this means i'll have the flowchart, the edge, the BT, CNBC Asia, morning call and the like to worry about for the weekend.

on top of that, there're scout stuff...a letter i gotta type for the ones who just got into sec one.

i wonder if i'll be going to the zoo this weekend.

the zoo didn't appeal to me that much in the past until i almost started work at the night safari. there was also that one story i did on dashe...the female anaconda who made history by being the first anaconda to give birth here.

i miss the zoo. it held a few happy memories. i did the dashe story alone...so there i was, lugging my heavy camera case and tripod to the anaconda enclosure. i trudged around the zoo all alone. it's so picturesque.

was just talking to yen about paris that day, and i told her not to get her hopes up because she'd be disappointed.

everywhere has romance-potential if you're with the right person. you don't need to be atop the eiffel tower to get a kick outta kissing him/her. you can feel just as much kissing him/her on one of those benches along orchard road.

so where's that one place you fantasize about when you think romance?

novels and television used to portray the beach as one helluva romantic setting.

i took that walk last december. it felt nice. that first night, we walked down the beach hand in hand...sat somewhere to talk. that night realized my most innocent fantasies...haha. i'd be leaning against the barrier, and he'd put his arms around me and hug me. then he'd rest his neck on my shoulder. it was the most romantic night i've ever experienced. and the best part was it just happened. spontaneity.

the whole five days at the chalet was schweetness. it was a total romantic experience.

but alas, that fantasy has ended. and we have to move on.

it's time to find something else to keep that adrenaline pumping.

i think i found it.

"A very good Thursday morning to you! And one with a full moon at that! It's the 8th of December and welcome to the SIAS Research Phonecast with me, Serene Lim".

it does seem fun to be able to start off someone's day with that stanza...am so looking forward to it.

according to mark, i've been making some real progress knowledge-wise, as i begin to understand more about such business analysis.

i discovered a flood in our scout den today. we spent the entire evening clearing up the mess and mopping up copious amounts of gross fluid which totally stank. fortunately, we had a few scouts down to help us.

as i was picking up rubbish, he pulled me along as he walked out of the school grounds to grab a taxi. as we turned the corner, he put his arm around me and talked.

then he leaned over to kiss me before he boarded the cab to work.

after the entire episode with the flood, we headed to HQ to meet bubba and gim hui. then we went for dinner/supper.

gim hui and i started talking about trivial feelings like plain feeling for the opposite sex.

we both agreed that being stressed out and too busy is the best way to keep from thinking of such trivialities. because when we're idle, these, inevitably, would pop into our minds.

now that i'm busy enough with my work leading up to my even busier job, i'm glad i'm getting back on track.

the old serene's returning. and she's coming back in full force.

look out world. the bitch is back...*evil laughter*

today was what i'd call a productive day. am definitely getting back into the swing of things.

"the swing of things" also means taking me away from my social order...which might not necessarily be a bad thing. i need to get back in intellectual shape and turn away from trivialities like men and jekyll and hyde.

bubba told me he'd hammer HIM if i become jaded about love. i tell bubba HE wouldn't be at fault if i were jaded. because i am not in love with him. he does not want to be in love with me either.

yesterday met with the pple at SIAS research. david gerald was there too. it was "make fun of the young lady who's voice we loved so much" day. sigh...i'll be working with these guys...haha...

i feel like hugging and kissing someone. actually, i feel like hugging and kissing everyone.

life's too short to keep our emotions in check.

so please, give me a hug the next time you see me, and remind me that i owe you a kiss.

the anticipation and stress sets in...

tomorrow's my first real meeting with SIAS, together with the bosses.

i say first REAL meeting because they've already been introduced to my voice. hope they aren't too disappointed with what they see tomorrow.

it was real tiring today. i didn't spend the evening with him, but the day ended off pretty good. i had to put him into the equation because this is the first sunday in a long time that i didn't spend with him.

woke up at 8am, and decided to head down to school. had to put my "bitch mask" on.

the rest came in slowly...and when jianyi arrived, he started telling how his school term will suck major. and we just kept swearing at each other...and it was cathartic. at least he caught a gist of what was to come later.

it was a pretty productive session, i suppose. it had all the elements of a huge fight - tears, swearing, defensive finger-pointing and more swearing.

i realized today how much this buncha people mean to me.

i'd probably miss them if i leave.

it was really really heartening to see the whole group practising and learning together. today was simply amazing.

zhiguang and weikai were there.

and jiehan came back.

coolness.

woo-hoo!

empowerment rocks!

let's just hope it lasts a hell lot longer this time around.

LOVE was made for me and you - Nat King Cole.

was talking to yen about this girl called erin today. that reminded me of a song from the scarlet pimpernel...erin had sung it in class once.

ONLY LOVE

I see you try to turn away
I hear the words you want to say
I feel how much you need to hide
What's happening inside you tonight

Come meet my eyes one moment more
Our eyes are different than before

This night, so beautiful and strange
This night begins to change who we are

Don't turn away, it's only love quietly coming to you
Whispering through you
Take my hand-it's only love
Let it come through you slowly
Don't be afraid -it's only love

We touch, the dark begins to stir
We can't go back to where we were
Don't be afraid to make it real
Don't be afraid to feel tonight Don't turn away-it's only love
Only a touch that frees you
Let it release you
Take the chance-it's only love
Open your heart and show me
Don't be afraid-it's only love

Don't close your eyes
Don't hold it in
Reach out to me
Let it all begin

Don't be afraid-it's only love
Only a touch that frees you
Let it release you
Take the chance-it's only love
Let it come through you slowly
Open your heart and show me
Don't be afraid it's only love

went down to catch mickey browne and the way cool band at the waterfront again. alas, today's performance simply wasn't as arresting as last night's.

my life's just fucked up...haha. but hey, at least i'm taking hold of the reins again...

it shall be pure funness from now on.

serene: smile, but remember how it was. tell them all to fuck off.

nobody fucks with serene and gets away with it. nobody. (evil laughter...)

so we're back to square one.

i don't know how things are gonna change.

i don't think things are gonna change.

so i think i'd better leave...

"don't leave me"...

that was what someone said to me today.

no, it isn't him.

it's odd that such words can have such an effect on a person.

this person was there for me when i was down. he wants to be there for me when i crumble. and he promises to hold me from regrouping.

my dearest brother...for all your faith in me...i will not leave you. i'll stand by you. and i'll trust you to keep my confidence.

you are my rock. and i adore you.

hable con ella. don't wait till it's too late.

i'm tired. and sad.

people rally around me. it's at times like these when it doesn't matter how many tell me they're there for me...i'll still feel alone.

frankly, i don't think i'll ever get out of that mode. not even with him around.

people try to make me laugh. li neng say that's because my eyes scream pain. she said i could smile or even laugh out loud, but i'll never be able to hide that sadness deep down. imagine...the girl told me this in our first couple of meetings.

i need to fall to fly.

i kinda see rock bottom somewhere, but haven't quite reached it yet. so what happens when i hit rock bottom?

simple. pick myself up and get on with my life...and try not to allow distractions like the present pull me away.

by the way, it was a welcomed distraction.

it was painful, but i guess it was a good pain. i'm finally getting what i deserve. i'm so fucked up...haha.

i probably dislike you to some extent, but i detest me because i've allowed myself to weaken.

on the flip side, i thank you for all that you've given me.

your arms...your lips...your eyes. i just wish you had told me how you felt more.

most of all, i thank you for this wonderous experience. it's painful...but it'll pass. i know it will.

and i shall grow stronger.

i have to be strong. i have to be strong. i have to be.

so now you see i'm not that strong, elaine.

i try to be. and i suppose i succeed...masking my emotions outside my room.

but i crumble...

and yes, i guess when the heart's in pain, the head has to take over.

do i have to wait till the heart fails of immense pain before my head can come to life?

when do i stop feeling and start to think?

the bitch shall reign on sunday.

i'm a sick person who's excellent at manipulating and acting.

i'm feeling sad today.

no wait...i'm feeling sad this evening. this morning i was mad.

i'll deal with the "madness" of it all this sunday, when i take to my stage. but the sadness i gotta deal with now...

sigh...i'll spill the beans on the "surprise" since it ain't gonna happen.

last night i came up with this thing about catching him after he gets off work on new year's morning. i had wanted to kiss him. yes i know it's a stupid thought...especially if he gets off work in the wee hours of the morning...but i just suddenly thought of doing it.

then i started contending with pride. it feels that i'm getting way too emotionally involved.

so i smsed him before dinner. i asked what time he'd be getting off work, and he asked why and what i thought of doing. i told him not to question and just tell me. he kept pressing me for a reason and finally relented that he might be doing something then.

problem solved. i didn't need to oppress pride any longer because it was already crushed. when he kept asking me what i had planned, i told him there was no point in telling him anymore cuz it's not gonna happen anyway...

after that i told him to have a good night at work, and said that i had just wanted to kiss him.

bye bye pride.

i can't believe how much pain i'm feeling right now. i must be the biggest loser in the world...sitting alone in my room, blogging...and crying my eyes out on new year's eve.

i feel so lonely right now. so very very lonely.

i 'm not craving for physical companionship...i just feel so utterly empty.

i tried to keep myself from being alone tonight...because i knew it would lead to this. it's the same every holiday. i hate holidays. they always get me so down.

i knew this christmas was unreal.

oh god...i really need a hug right now. i do. help...please don't let me sink back into oblivion...please...don't.

you know what? i suppose i would've taken a cab down in the morning just to give him that one kiss...even if it's the stupidest thing i'll ever do.

i'm a stupid girl. a stupid girl who's home on new year's eve, crying her eyes out and wallowing in self-pity.

pride is the name of the game.

it's a constant struggle of "should i lay down my pride this time" because there are simply no guarantees to a happy ending.

it's like the tango.

when two tango, they move as one. he's forceful, she follows. she radiates sensuality, he takes it all in...it gives him the strength to lead. it's a symbiotic relationship. and time seems to stand still.

after the music ends, they part...until their next tango.

figuring out a faux-relationship is somewhat similar.

each will feel that he's giving more than the other...at the same time thinking that holding back is the best defence against a broken heart.

but as two people move forward in a seeming relationship, no matter how non-existent they make it out to be, is it even possible to "hold back"? wouldn't the acts of giving and sharing each other be a natural progression?

i always thought i could keep it all in. i thought wrong.

one thing that remains constant though - i'm not a subservient being. i will not follow blindly and offer myself to you. i will not be a slave to love.

i am not in love. i may be in like, but am certainly not in love.

jaded as i may be, i'm hopeful enough to want to fall in love someday. but, like i said, love will not enslave me.

i have my pride.

and if, after reading all this, you still do not realize how much i've laid down...

alas. pain.

once again, it's me who needs this relationship to be defined.

what used to happen...i lead people to define our relationship, then leave them cold and dry after they do. how sick can a person get?

don't know if i've evolved somewhat...with this one, i simply can't leave him fending for himself out in this wretched weather. with all that he's been through (whether situational or self-inflicted), i'm not sure if i can let go of this one as easily. obviously, if he were to read this, that male ego of his would be screaming shit at me.

i caught a glimpse of the elusive teddy bear last night. i hugged it and it hugged back. i tried so hard to keep myself from kissing it, but that obviously didn't work. it's eyes got to me...they caved into an instance of vulnerability and fragility. yes, it was just a glimpse, but the bear did cry for help.

i've cried out for help many times...and no one came forward. i've grown jaded, distrusting and believing that i could count on no one but myself for anything at all.

i believe that teddy's living the same belief.

i can empathize. but it doesn't think i can. i fear as much as it fears. but it doesn't think i do.

i've laid down my pride. many times i've gotten so embarrassed i've shrunk back into my shell. i should know better than to lay it all out, but alas, i have.

i care for this being...and everything it stands for. i know it cares for me too.

i have no answers. it refuses to give me any. i don't know how much more of this i can take.

i don't know when, and if, it will lay down its pride for me.

if it doesn't care, it has to tell me now...for i will need time to heal, and forget how much i care.

hable con mi, por favor. por favor.

"don't go where i cannot follow."

see...i did learn something from lord of the rings.

it seemed such an insignificant line, but it certainly stuck. with all the fanfare in the second half of the movie, that one line stuck.

fuck it serene...when did you become such a stickler for such one-liners? when did these words start meaning so much?

don't know. perhaps i'm just this closet hopeless romantic case who's just waiting to be confirmed. then again, i could always write such shit even when i ain't in feel.

i felt frustrated today. i pride myself on being a somewhat productive individual...and having had so little done today just wasn't my style.

but sam did it for me with that line of his. lord of the rings saved the day. otherwise, the day would've ended the way it started - fucked.

so this is my ode to peter jackson: you're my hero. so is sam.

he said "i don't want to let go". reminds me of how i struggled to "let go" of the memory of josh.

please don't let go.

i've been thinking an awful lot about mr beasley.

it speaks of how how fast cars and bling bling don't mean nothing, because she loves him for his personality and soul.

if material items don't come into the picture at all when people fall for each other, then there'd be a lot of happy couples in the world...and hardly talk of break-ups.

let's face it, every domestic or relationship problem probably stems from the same thing - dosh.

sure...everything starts off hunky-dory. you whisper sweet nothings into each other's ears at extremely close proximity, steal kisses under the moonlight by the esplanade waterfront, lie side by side and simply enjoy each other's company.

and just when you think love can conquer all, doubts start to creep in as one party starts to wonder if the other is freeloading because it seems like he/she's always been paying for this or that. "is she using me?" is probably the usual refrain...

and if time equals money, then not spending enough time with her will also mean you don't spend enough on her...meaning you're a freakin stinge-ray.

my friends have always "seen" me with mature, successful, tall and strong...perhaps even caucasian. i don't know what i've done to create that sorta impression.

so naturally, people start questioning my going out with him. then i start questioning myself.

he's a real sweetie...yes, he can be annoying at times, but he has a good heart. in the past couple of weeks, he's shown how affectionate and sensitive he can be. he sorta behaves like he's all that, but it's probably to mask that soft spot within. he could be a huge softie...but male ego prevails and that teddy bear's stifled.

"i'd like to see your eyes through those goggles that you're wearing, don't try to hide away."

i see so much pain in him sometimes...he probably doesn't realize it but i do. to know of the pain and not be able to hear of it is, perhaps, as painful as the pain itself.

as the new year draws nearer, i'm ashamed to find myself thinking if he'd be part of the new equation.

i feel guilty telling people how he and i could never fit together because we're too different.

i just wish...he'd give me something more to work on...to show me that we really aren't that different.

i'm falling for him, and i don't even realize it.

corrinne may is awesome.

watching her enrapture the 200-strong crowd with her soulful pipes was almost surreal...especially with all the mist and minor echo.

several songs that stuck: "safe in a crazy world" and "little superhero girl"...the latter being as upbeat as "mr beasley". coolness i say.

poor fella had some digestion problems today. it probably really got to him cuz he wasn't really himself. only thing i could offer was prune juice...and a good night kiss.

don't think he liked the book i gave him...he laughed a bit, but it was sorta patronizing.

stop it serene.

there is something special at christmas time this year...

i received the card he sent out yesterday. i smiled as i saw his writing on the envelope. i resisted the temptation to simply yank the card out of it and carefully slit the fold. as i opened the card, i was greeted with a cheery "hello my dear!!!".

i guess he was right. it sure is better to receive the card in the mail. i should've known...since i've always loved mail.

i remember how my classmate and i used to secretly exchange letters...we'd write pages and slip it under each other's desk before the other arrived. no one else knew of the exchange. we learnt so much about each other sometimes we'd laugh hard at a joke just because we both shared a private thingee. the most beautiful thing about our interaction was that it was purely platonic.

mail's good.

merry christmas serene.

i felt so judged this morning.

i don't usually care about such things but it really hurts when someone gives you the "you are cheap" look...even if you know you haven't done anything wrong at all.

i remember from eons ago i used to go to jo's place, and sometimes, even spend the night there. we'd play board games and spar intellect through the night (his friends and i), and i'd head home in the morning, when buses start coming around. as i enter my home, she'd give me the exact same look she gave me this morning. she actually said "what's happened to you? when did you become so cheap?" (or something to that extent in mandarin)

if people who know me hear of the above, they'd probably laugh it off and say "serene? no way...she's way too straight for that kinda shit". they're right. i have my fun...but i've got my limits as well.

i can't stand being judged.

on the flip side, i went laptop shopping with the bosses today...and we got a benq. pretty cool...and it kinda resembles a mac. my kinda comp...

mark and angus think i'm an angel...haha...that i'm really naive and sweet. we'll see about that in time to come...haha.

chestnuts was a hoot! dang...jon was hilarious, as usual. they never fail to come up with current and interesting material...

i'm lovin' it.

so here i am, making up for the lack of drivel from the past five days.

just finished watching "the road home" on axn. truly touching and inspiring. love conquers all. love at first sight. whatever.

the chalet was a good getaway from life for a bit...even if we were just stuck in changi most of the time. i've never thought of the beach, or sea, or waves as soothing, or even romantic, that is, until the chalet.

trying to picture the scene and feel the feel simply isn't enough. you have to be there to really feel it.

i'd walk down the little path from the chalet to the beachfront while everyone was doing their thang. it'd be late and no one would notice i was gone. i'd stand in front of the drop-off and stare out into blackness, the only indication of any water in front of me being the sound of the waves crashing against the rocks at high tide.

gradually, someone would realize i ain't around, and would come out looking for me.

then it hit me. people care enough to realize i'm not always around. people ain't that bad. people change for the better. and there's nothing wrong with that.

i wonder if people feel how much i care because compared to them, i never seem to care enough...or at least, i don't think i do. i mean...i already have issues with feeling.

so is what i'm feeling now real? or am i feeling so because i keep telling myself I HAVE TO FEEL? sigh...a constant jekyll and hyde conflict.

i believe people do think i'm genuine. that's how i got to know so many and landed myself the job in the first place. i believe they think i care. i believe they think i'm real.

i guess i just gotta believe in myself a little more. i have to let people in...let them feel me...and let them love me.

scouting has grounded me in more ways than one. in the group, the people are real. i get bitch-slapped for any wrongdoing...no holds barred. i like that. and as much as they think they aren't fancy or anything like that, i believe (in many ways), that we share witty repartes much better than the fake society has ever known...though half the time i'd be trying to figure out what they're saying when they speak in hokkien/teochew/whatever that's not english or mandarin.

thank you for being nice to the girl in the corner. thank you for lending her your shirt...your hand...your gaze...your silly grin. thank you for feeling for her (or is she just being terribly presumptious) and giving her a chance to feel that certain way.

you know who you are.

today was a happy and relatively carefree day.

went with aunt and peter to get a new handphone this morning, then headed home for a bit before meeting up with peter, rachel and ray in the evening to head to bubba's place.

it was a nice feel...going there. saw many of the holy innocent's gang, spoke to bubba's bro and mom as well. fun.

then peter sent ray to work and let us off there as well. rachel and i just walked down the stretch, down to cineleisure, and then headed back home. talked to bubba and the gang for a bit there before we left though. funny buncha kids.

sigh...this is truly a narrative of the day. have i lost my touch just because i've attained some sort of happiness?

or is it because i'm simply too tired to blog? (i've been awake since 5am this morning...don't ask.)

oh yeah. i made my hair brown.

today's training saw a change of scene.

mark decided that the meeting room was way too cold, and (in view of my fleece sweater and sniffling nose) had suggested we talk at a cafe instead.

so down we walked towards one fullerton and settled at this open-air space. the server came by and took our drink orders. then she came back with our drinks...and some brownies. she stood by the table a little awkwardly, and said that the cake was on the house and that they only gave it to certain customers. when mark asked whey she gave it to us, she looked at me and said "because you are very pretty, that's why we gave it to you". mark and i looked at each other, laughed and he said "boy am i glad i'm with you then!" mark also tried mom's tiramisu and said it was really good...

i got the letter of offer today...looks good...will probably take it.

met aunt for a little shopping today (though she didn't get much done anyways). we talked about the boys...including HIM. and she said the bkk trip confirmed her "suspicions". said he was pretty anxious about calling back to sin but couldn't get a phonecard so he was making a lotta noise. oh well.

he wants to meet up tomorrow to go grab aunt's handphone as well...crazy ass.

all i want for christmas...

the daily (if not nightly) blogging starts now.

just as i've promised, i'll write every night should this go through...and it has!!!

so now, i've gotta make good on my promises to hug and kiss everyone around me, and tell of how hard work and diligence takes the cake.

mark and angus called me right after the pitch today and the first thing mark said was "serene, we'd like to offer you a position at hong bao media". and i'm, like, "what?!" so they said that the client heard the sample recording and was very pleased with it...and that the product was sold within the first 15 minutes of the pitch. the main man even asked if the presenter was lynette tai!! geez...

then i tell mom, dad, bro and tried to call aunt but she unhooked her phone. then when ray didn't pick up, i called bubba.

it's a happy day for the both of us...he's outta the army and i got my job...yay!!

am heading down to JB this sunday for some eats...should be fun. when i asked ray why he was going when he was working the previous night. and he's like "if you're going, then i'm going too..." oh well.

hugs and kisses coming your way.

oddness.

my gut tells me i'm losing interest.

this comes on the back of all those "i miss you(s)" and "wish you were here" shit exchanged over the weekend and beyond.

shit...this doesn't bode well.

that red light is constantly nagging at me, threatening to go off should he get too close.

i know i've just written, but i've simply got to blog on something i chanced upon.

blogs ago, i wrote on how this 18-year-old told of how ready he is for a relationship and that he wants to fall in love. i also wrote of how i admire his honesty and romanticism.

a month ago, this person shared something with me - a webpage his girlfriend of two months did to commemorate their anniversary.

now, truth be told, i thought it to be rather corny... don't get me wrong. it wasn't the idea of the webpage that was corny, but the notion of celebrating an anniversary every month. i guess the webpage itself also had something to do with how i felt.

it was simple enough - a couple of pictures here and there and a short stanza of blog. such pages would normally warrant no more than one glance from me, but i don't know why i keep heading back to that page when i feel down.

like i said, it was a simple page and if i wasn't in the relationship, i wouldn't feel shit. i guess there was just something about it...it could be mr beasley, or how the images seem to piece together so perfectly. i found a link from that page today.

it was totally unintentional. i wasn't expecting to find something. now that i have, i feel like i've intruded into a couple's private space.

but as guilty as i feel for having stumbled upon those writings, my heart warmed up as i scanned through the contents...accompanied by colin raye's "in this life". i smiled a whole lot while reading. then i found another link from that page. reading on, i realized a tear rolling down my right cheek and into the corner of my mouth.

i shall not reveal the contents of those pages. however, i'd like to say how those pages have made me realize the deep affection these two have for each other, and that their relationship is truly unique to their peer group. they do share (in their own words) "a deep connection".

jaded as i may be, these two have somehow penetrated my emotional shield.

i can only wish i'd be able to forge such a connection with another someday.

i wish you both the very best.

i sincerely hope that you two will grow old together.

i can't even think of a word to describe how today went.

we headed down to aunt's place at about seven this morning cuz i had to print out my letter on terence's computer. he just waited for us to get things done so we could get going to the airport.

so there we were, sitting on the couch...me, waiting for terence to leave so i could use his computer, and he, simply stoning. after using the comp and waiting for time to pass so we could be on our way, i headed back down to the couch. what he did then kinda stunned me.

he hugged me and rested his chin on my shoulder (i know...this has no shock value...but wait...). then as my aunt came over to hurry us, i tried to wriggle outta his arms but he wouldn't let me. so there she was, standing right in front of us, telling us to get off our butts and he looked up at her with his face all shriveled up, hugged me tighter, buried his face in my neck and mumbled "can i meet you guys there tomorrow?" then aunt laughs and walks away.

huh?!!!

as we got into the cab, aunt offered to sit in front. geez...(i felt so bad...)

so we sat behind. he held my hand. then he got sick of that position and got back to putting his arms around me. as we neared STC and i pulled out my staff pass, he tried to glimpse it but i wouldn't let him. then as i firmly declined to let him view the pass, he pulled his arms away and folded them...giving me this faux-angry look (as if i care). so i turned away from him and looked out the window. after a couple more minutes, he decided to hold my hand again...haha...geez.

so anyways, the whole gang is off in bangkok now having fun...drinking tom yam soup...and what-nots.

hmm...so what else is new?

oh...i'm done. with my job, i mean.

and hmm...i guess today went SLOW.

today's IT.

i never thought this day would come so soon. soon, i shall lick my lips and relish the taste of pure...nothingness.

i can't believe how easy it was to finally put my foot down and say "that's enough".

as promised, i shall write every night.

even if it's a one-liner.

it's s'wonderful...s'marvellous...

he had obviously no intention of concealing their "relationship" any longer.

though they had respected the people around them enough to keep their hands to themselves for most of the day, his subtle gestures were proof enough of his underlying affection.

early that morning, they had sent some charges to camp. while in the van, he had, at times, kept his hand on her knee, simply to prevent her from lunging forward when the van jerked.

later, while taking the train back to the north (together with her aunt who had dozed off), he kept staring at the magazine she was reading, suddenly wondering out loud if the US general elections were to be held soon. she looked at him, obviously impressed that he knew that fact. as they went on, he lifted his arm and pulled her arm under his. he held her hand as they both continued reading the magazine.

about five stops away from their destination (they were heading for a movie while her aunt was heading home), she suddenly looked up...and saw her uncle standing right in front of her. she grinned sheepishly at him, then nudged HIM in the ribs, telling him that the man standing in front of them is her uncle. he lifted his arm a little, seemingly to let her remove hers, but she kept it there. she talked to her uncle for a bit, then attempted to wake her aunt with THAT hand.

she heaved a sigh of relief as they disembarked. the awkwardness was over.

the aunt went home, and the two of them went to the movie. it was mediocre...but he had become more affectionate then. after the flick, they walked out of the theater and into the moist air, brought about by the rain that was raging while they were still inside. as they stood at the landing, wondering how to get home, he put his arm around her waist and pulled her close. how cliche: there they were, sheltered from the rain, with his arm around her. she kissed him on the cheek and led him by the hand to the bus interchange. no words were spoken.

on the bus home, he kept his arms around her the whole time, and rested his chin on her shoulder. as she turned her head to face him, he rubbed her nose with his, and grinned. he kissed her goodbye, then got off the bus.

as they both walked to their respective homes, something stirred in both of them.

there was no denying it...it was becoming a relationship.

just as i was about to chill on the spread and read TIME, my darling mac lit up, and on was my blog spot. so here i am again...but i'm gonna be using a different tone this time around.

just half an hour after tom's phone interview, mark called me. i guess he was trying to allay my fears. he's an amazing man, that mark... first he asked how i was and totally empathised with how i felt cuz of the horrid and bitchy remarks i got that day on flight. his sister-in-law used to be in the business as well...haha. then he went on about how i shouldn't be too stressed out about the session earlier because he had called tom, and found out what transpired between us then.

the one thing he said that touched me the most was that he felt a certain responsibility towards me, because he knew how much potential i had, and that it wouldn't take a lot for me to realize that full potential. so he said he's gonna pay for my financial markets training course, as well as arrange for a half-day presentation skills training session with me. he said that technically, i've already been chosen and would most probably be hired, but in the event that i'm not, he'd want me to go away from this enriched, and having learnt something.

another thing which totally shocked me was that apart from all this goodwill, he said that my bond amount would be made part of my contract, and that they would buy me out!

okay...i know this kinda thing happens a lot...but i'm a total nobody! and to have someone believe in you that much, i gotta admit it's kinda stressful. but it's an esteem-booster as well...

by the way, he said that what both tom and him so liked about me was my honesty. mark also said that with the proper training, my voicing skills would go from the current (say 65%) to about 90% in a matter of weeks...dang... thing is: he keeps emphasizing that i shouldn't thank him, because he's just being totally honest with me, nothing more. geez...

relief.

stutter, stutter, stutter...that's rene for you.

bubba asked, "what happened to the calm and collected serene?"

and i'm like, "the calm and collected serene got flushed down the toilet bowl."

i hate phone conversations with people i haven't met face-to-face. i got increasingly nervous as i spoke to him and rambled my way through the interview. and believe me...it really was an interview. it couldn't even be passed off as a conversation.

"tell me more about yourself" - like, how the hell was i supposed to answer that? couldn't he at least be more specific?

the last question was: "why should we hire you?"

I HATE ANSWERING SUCH QUESTIONS!!! i can never answer that...how the hell are you supposed to sell yourself without sounding cocky?!

aarrggghhh!!!! the stress!!!!

i like.

i can't believe how long i've been lying in bed...now this is what i call lethargy.

i have to prepare for flight in half an hour.

boring.

last night i spoke to bubba. he told me something really funny...

peter had told bubba that he wanted to ask me out on the night of the 7th. bubba laughed, and asked if he were to do that, then where would that put HIM? and peter says there shouldn't be a problem, cuz HIM and i were just on talking terms, nothing more.

so i guess when he saw HIM and i sitting close at the back of the van, it struck him that we were, indeed, more than just "on talking terms".

but sure, i'll still hang with bubba and peter on the 7th.

music soothes the savage beast.

music, apparently, also cures the running nose.

as soon as the band started playing, my nose stopped drippin. and i didn't realize it until KT mentioned it over a bowl of soup at mixed cuisine.

the best thing about the jazz set was how it managed to turn me from sad little girl to sad-but-still-able-to-smile little girl. i guess this is the part of my life when my happiness has reached a plateau and has decided to come crashing down.

i stood atop the esplanade...at its roof terrace, with my aunt and KT. as much as i appreciated their company, i somehow wished i were alone then.

if i were alone, my tears could just roll down with wild abandon, and i'd be reminded of how i need to be independent of emotions and feelings of any sort in order to succeed; that i need not fear getting hurt because no one would have the power to hurt me.

i guess i just really need a good cry. trouble is: i'd get shit reporting for flight tomorrow with puffy eyes.

I HATE CRYING.

i shouldn't be too disappointed. after all, i kinda expected it, didn't i?

it wasn't like i was being stood up while i was out again. imagine someone saying "so sorry, i just woke up. think it's too late to catch a movie".

honey, you'd be wrong to assume i was dissin' you because of a stupid movie.

i asked you out simply because i know i wouldn't be seeing you in the next couple of weeks...and thought to tell you that today.

you know what? i suddenly realized why i feel so down.

i had kinda planned my day around this meeting...and had wanted to tell you what mark said when he called earlier when i was to meet you later.

how can people expect me to fucking feel and get on with life all smiling and happy when this keeps happening?

and i'm not just dissing you. you just happen to be the latest in line.

poor you.

was going to write about jo when dad chased me outta my room and into the car. we had to go pick mom up from the airport. now that those thoughts have dissipated, it's useless to try to remember them.

mark just told me i'll be speaking to tom murrell this friday at 2pm. he's gonna call me from perth.

just reading that sms sent a spike of adrenaline down to my very core. the after-effect? jitters.

just as i'm recovering from my chest pains, my mom seems to have passed me her flu. so here i am...typing away with a nose that's drippin'.

think i gotta lie down some.

i believe today has been the best rest day ever, because i was forced to rest.

the good doctor gave me two days off...and i'm so taking it. i don't think i've slept like i have today in months. even when i had night flights, i couldn't sleep in the day like i've done today.

you know what? i had this sudden urge to combine everything i've written so far, and write a musical. you know...just to take all my writing and see where that takes me.

sigh...i've got so many ideas it's hard to keep track. let's work on the movie marathon first.

better yet...let's work on getting me outta this rut.

she awoke with a start at 0230hrs. it was barely an hour before that she fell asleep.

this time, it wasn't a nightrage but something very real. as she took a deep breath, she clutched her chest as if it were going to split open any second. so started the morning of controlled breathing and minimum rest. she HAD to call in sick.

it wasn't that many hours ago that she was doing good...laughing and singing at the back of a van with her mates. he had kissed her then.

wait...could the pain be a foreboding signal? after all, she hadn't felt such misery caused by physical pain in quite a while. was it coming to her because she had too much fun the night before?

it couldn't have been the fun...for she swears she'd had more fun than that.

was it because he'd hugged her so tight? then kissed her goodnight?

she went to the doctor's. he felt about her rib cage and she gasped as he gently applied pressure just below her sternum.

he said she's suffering from an acute muscle strain, wrote her a two-day medical certificate, and sent her on her way.

she breathed a sigh of relief.

"serene is an angel"...boy 1

"if i could give you a scout name, i'd name you 'angel heart'"...bubba

"serene! i passed! i passed!"...boy 2

"you are like a big sister to me"...jas

"i love you serene"...cole

"if i were your father, i'd be very very proud of you"...andre

and...

"serene, a good friend is like a million dollars. you only need one of such in your lifetime to make life worthwhile. you can be a million dollars to a lot of people, serene. just try to open up your heart a little, and let people in"...wayne

Security.

she sat down, tugged at her skirt and blinked her eyes, trying to keep awake. he, seated next to her, was clutching onto his backpack like there was a million bucks in it.

he had asked her out for a movie; a horror flick. she hadn't seen one in ages. she wasn't scared at the impending "strike of fear" because she's the kinda girl who'll usually scoff at horror flicks, and laugh at the scariest parts.

as the screen began to flicker, she felt compelled to put her arm through his...and she did. resting her head on his shoulder, she felt somewhat awkward, that is, until he leant back and held her hand. towards the seemingly more chilling parts of the movie, he held her hand tight...at times even bringing it up to his lips.

movie ends. they walk out into the moist, warm air. she could tell the air was moist, because when he took her hand, it felt moist...and warm.

and so it goes for the rest of the evening. he held her hand, as he had said he would before. then they parted ways, with nary a farewell. he headed for work and she, back to where she came from.

as she strode to her transport, she took in everything she saw around - men wrapping their arms possessively around their girlfriends, parents trying to pacify their kids in strollers, girl friends talking loudly as if trying to talk to people 10 feet away.

she smiled to herself. in that one instant, she felt happy. sure, she was fatigued and mentally asleep. but somewhere deep down, she felt good.

she smiled because it was a perfect day.

so perfect that it should never have been.

The lack of it.

has our dear protagonist lost sight of everything?

what happened to the "i'll never feel again" stance she swore to abide by?

rest assured, dear readers, that our girl hasn't lost her way. she's simply decided to let loose a little and have some fun.

she thinks that she should at least let this person feel for her, and not slap him in the face (as she's always done with others who tried) at first instance.

she may hold his hand, kiss his cheek, let him hold her like he's never going to again...but she sure as hell ain't gonna be feeling too much for this guy.

moral of the story: words sting. and the worst part of it is: they can't be taken back.

so there'd better be some major damage control/recovery, or there's gonna be one less female in this world to talk and cuddle up to.

we see the dawning of a new era.

pan right...no, left. zoom in on two people who seem to care less about each other. their body language says it all - she's sitting cross-legged, facing away from him, and he's staring at the stage, sometimes busying himself with his handphone.

tilt down. her left hand and his right are so close that it seems the only thing separating the two joints is an invisible slice of paper.

zoom in on their hands. the invisible slice seems to vanish, and a magnetic force seems to be pulling the two hands together slowly, but surely. he edges his index finger towards her hand, rests it on hers. the screen seems to freeze, and she finally decides to respond. she moves her fingers...he turns her hand and slips his fingers through hers.

tilt back up and zoom out. their body language remains the same - nonchalant, cold, unfeeling.

if this goes through, i'll forever go with the theory of "hard work and willingness to learn shall triumph".

if this goes through, i'll be able to sell that theory to the people i so care about.

if this goes through, i'll hold a big celebration and hug and kiss everyone around me.

and i'll write every night.

so please let it be.

today was all about work. am just glad it was just a turnaround and not a freakin long flight. am glad that all my flights till the end of the roster are pretty reasonable...short and sweet.

guess what? of late, when i see HIM, i feel my blood bubbling...then i simply just refuse to look anymore. he's no longer that certain someone i thought was fun to hang out with like that. now that's a good feeling. i mean, i still care for him, but not the way others who know about us would expect me to.

today was extremely unproductive.

am so pissed at myself that i can't even bring myself to replay the whole evening in my head again.

you know those times when you feel like your day has been totally unproductive but because you spent time with someone you liked, the day wasn't a total waste? today wasn't one of those days. in fact, i think i had more fun at work than after it...

i can't believe how i spent my off-day...especially with it being a sunday.

went to a church funfair this morn with the buncha guys, went back to school to do some stuff, played some ultimate, b-ball and such. read some notes on the SGX...blar blar, then spent the rest of the day trying to find somewhere to bowl, ending up at the civil service club discussing the bowling shit with one of the veterans. we spent almost three hours just sitting at the cafeteria...yapping. then we left for east coast to bowl, cuz the bowling alley at the civil service club was totally crowded. they bowled, i watched and read ray's notes. then i realized he left the cam in the scout's den...and uh...after i reached home, i realized i left my resume in his file...dang.

on the way to dinner at toa payoh from east coast, was yet again at the back of the van with him. it was quite funny...cuz we've been traveling around the whole day, most of the time with me sitting in front, and after we left the civil service club, my aunt asked peter to sit in front with her. so i sat with him at the back. on the way to dinner, he "positioned" me in such a way that he could wrap his arm around me...so i just let him. just sat there like that with his arm around me, and i was feeling nothing...well, sorta. then in the spirit of comfort and "fun", we got more comfortable with each other. so there we were...arm around me all the way to toa payoh. then again...from toa payoh to hougang (where we dropped peter off), he had his arm around me. i could've sworn that KT saw something cuz he looked back suddenly and we were seated at an angle he could've clearly seen what was going on behind there.

oh well. am tired. can't think no more. good night...haha...today's buzz-phrase: "divine help".

so this is fatigue.

my head's heavy from simply being up for way too long. brain's dead from the same ol'.

learnt as well that one of my poly-mates has passed on. read about it this afternoon, after he was cremated. no one knows for sure what happened to sam. a couple think it was suicide. my mind's simply too numb to feel right now. but yes, i am sad. i don't know the guy, didn't care to know him then...but still...to hear that one of my peers is gone is frighteningly sobering.

sometime after we touched down in manila last night and before we left for the airport this morning, two gunmen took over the control tower of ninoy aquino. fortunately, we were able to leave just slightly later than scheduled...cuz the two were shot... the violence...

was writing some in manila...ramsay said he was quite scared of me when we first hung out. but after he saw through "the shell", he felt more comfortable and says he feels happy whenever we hang out...that's why he keeps asking me out (and i keep finding excuses to say no...).

my head's too fucked...i gotta stop now.

being at home today, i realized one thing: i've truly regrouped and lost the sense to feel.

yesterday, after meeting up with mark and angus to discuss a possible position, i met up with bubba. and he kept asking if HE messaged me that day. i said nopes...then went on babbling about something else. bubba stopped me and asked if i really was okay...and i was, like, "what's there to be un-okay about?". do these people see something i don't, cuz i really don't care about HIM like that anymore. in fact, no matter how i view the situation we're in, we seem to be stuck in faux-relationship purgatory. i say "faux" because there was never one to begin with.

i realized how much i've managed to get done in the past couple of days. it seems like i'm having this renewed focus and driving force...knowing how possible it is for me to attain something.

yesterday (i've told many this already), i wore a suit to the meeting with mark and angus. it was the first time i wore it...and the first in a very long time i've dressed like that. i won't deny that it felt extremely good. i felt empowered as a woman...to be walking down the strip in my power-suit, taking long strides with my head held high and half-smiling to myself. it's like...the crowd parted for me or something...haha...nothing could stand in my way yesterday.

so that's how it feels like...and that's how i feel now. nothing else matters. well, except for some of our scouting matters.

and during dinner last night with aunt and rachel, they told me something that made my jaw drop. they said that when they walk with me along the streets, people do turn to look at me. and i'm like "what the f...?!" aunt said she didn't know what it was...perhaps it's the way i "carried" myself...i don't know. gag...

and it hit me this afternoon...i finally knew how it felt like to want to be with someone. it might have been for an instant, but i did get to feel it. that was the first bloody time. it was painful...i remember how angry, hurt and disappointed i felt...bottomline is that i managed to FEEL. so i guess all's not lost.

i'm glad i managed to experience that...even though nothing good ever came outta it. no wait...i came outta it.

looking back at how i was in primary school, you would never think i'd turn out to be like this...not that i've gotten rid of that inferior complex.

i remember this one time when i asked my mom if all non-goodlooking girls will grow up to look beautiful. i remember she said that they most probably will.

such inane questions...yet so much insight as a little one.

in secondary school, i rose to become one of the more well-known (read: popular) faces around. i bore a neverending stream of committments and people respected me somewhat...whatever people respected you for in secondary school i don't know. i guess at that time, it did feel good to be thought of as THE ONE.

then in mass comm, i started off just fine...working off the steam leftover from secondary school, except that i was more wary of people, having found myself just a few months earlier. after a few knock-downs, i just couldn't be bothered anymore. i went about my work, choosing to focus on getting good grades and working towards that one goal. interpersonal relations didn't matter to me. i mean...i wasn't a bitch, but i wasn't lil' miss sunshine either. i became labeled as "unapproachable". well, at least the people who've worked with me called me "independant" and "focused" rather than a plain and simple "bitchy".

so i leave poly, and my focus wavers for a bit because my goal turned out to be THAT unachievable. i retreated even more as i realized how unattainable that goal seemed to be.

i got my ears pierced yesterday...but that wasn't the denuemont of the day.

rather, it was saying the things i've always thought about out loud, and actually letting them sink in.

was out with rachel the whole day...just hanging and talking. of course, there's the usual male-bashing but that wasn't the IT (c'mon guys, you don't expect it all to be about you, do you?). the whole day was about us feeling good as girls, and how it's a blessing to be women. it was about empowerment, and of how despite being rated secondary by the patriachy, we've managed to work with our place in society, and rise above the shit the patriachal order expects us to fall from.

men are simple creatures. women, though often generalized as confused, complicated and emotional beings, are more often that not, as simple-minded as men...of course, you've gotta strip them down to nothingness to be able to observe that. at the end of the day, both species want the same thing.

i told rachel that most women let emotion get the better of them, and that's the part men don't get. arguments are mere "bleeps" in their lives...they don't ponder over it like women do. women get paranoid, lose sleep and cry over things like that. when quarrels happen, women think "shit...does this mean it's over? does he not want me anymore? i don't know what i'll do if he stops wanting me...", while men, on the other hand, would think of it as a meaningless tiff. the trouble sets in when both species refuse to even try to understand each other...because both are too stubborn and have too much pride.

pride gets in the way of a hell lotta things. people refuse to act on their feelings, or stand by their words because PRIDE's the name of the whole game. i've taken to equate PRIDE to BEING ON GUARD of late. quite recently, i tried setting aside some of my pride to make something work, and when that came crashing down on me, i got sorely disappointed and somewhat hurt. so the moral of the story is: trust your instincts. if you think it ain't gonna happen, it probably won't.

tell the people who try to turn you to fuck off.

a mass mail i sent out friday...

my week of leave has effectively come to a crashing end.

so it is not with a heightened sense of well-being that i return to work with, but with a heavy heart and a constant struggle to tell myself to just "fuck it" and move on or to stay and see everything through.

the details aren't important. what is...is that i've allowed such things to get to me, when they used to be mere flies i just swat off. people have told me how nice it is to see the change - moving on from that jaded mess with no feel, to someone who's sharing somewhat.

just a few days ago, i was telling this one person that i don't want to feel. feeling is such a bane and i lose my focus if i start feeling. but he's convinced me that it's a good thing...to feel. i guess that's when i started letting my guard down a little. then, guess what? same thing happens...vicious cycle repeats itself...

i spent the last night, feeling extremely angry with myself, and sparring internally. it was the usual "fuck it serene...what's the point...these people aren't worth it". but i guess deep down, i know they are...that's why i was trying to bring out that best in them. i just hope that they wouldn't keep taking advantage of me that way.

i sense myself turning back into that jaded mess. will someone kindly pull me aside and slap me before i reach the point of no return?

to the people who haven't seen me the way i was in poly: please forgive my impending actions and attitude. i'm regrouping...and that means feelings will not be meaning anything to me anymore. i've tried to change that...but i guess i've been driven to such a point where i've decided this is the best way to do things.

serene: smile and tell the world to screw it...no one matters that much. you've only got two hands...there's only so much you can do. tell the rest to just fuck it.

thing is: i can't.

an entry from lainey's blog, supposedly inspired by me. then again, we've kinda led such parallel lives when it comes to the subject matter...

"it seems that this is the classic move of guys this days. i mean, i got out of the dating scene and got into a full-time relationship for two years. and this is the classic move that has besieged me and my girlfriends of late.

1) guy expresses interest
2) girl responds favourably
3) guy adores girl
4) girl wants to take things slow.
5) guy wants a commited relationship.
6) guy promises girl the world.
7) girl relents.
8) girl feels adored.
9) guy tells girl, "let's just hang out and have fun".
10) girl goes "what the fuck???" but has no other fucking option.

i don't want to be some male-basher, but what the fuck is going on and what the hell do you guys want? leg warmers to prevent blardy cold-feet???? go back to the eighties man."

perhaps i should change my blog title to catharsis...as inspired by lainey. after all, writing is my outlet. but, like lainey, my writing seems to jinx everything.

just one week after my previous entry...here i am, all fucked up yet still going. i mean, no one needs to tell me to pick myself up and stay strong...cuz i know i'm capable of it; that no matter how much of rock bottom i seem to be at, i'd still be able to go about with my life. so you asses: don't, for even one second, think i'm to be messed with.

i've regrouped. so i guess i've failed myself to some extent. i haven't been able to keep caring...or stay on my "changed" track. i'm back to the "screw you all" stage, and completely devoid of all feeling. of course, i can still act some, and tell you what you want to hear...behave like i'm the only one who understands. fuck it serene.

i want to sleep...let the darkness engulf me...take me as a whole for once. at least night rages won't be able to consume me if i were to fall into deep slumber.

it's a wonder how close proximity can lead two people to do certain things.

it's like, a force so great that can even belittle the like-pole theory...in the physical sense, at least.

i mean...we were in the gallery, and right under everyone's noses, he put his hand on my knee...left it there. i, of course, had to have zilch expression so as not to give it away.

geez.

People talk. To me. Some of them get so comfortable they spill life's trials and tribulations in the short period of time we spend together.

Then there are those who don't. Talk, I mean. And I know I should be glad they don't pour everything out to me, but I guess I'm just a little unnerved by it all. I realize these people probably care too much to unload their emotional baggage on someone who's already hunched from the load on her back.

I simply can't remember when this whole "talk to serene" thing started, or how it "got about". It does seem like Cole brought out the shrink in me, with our constant intellectual sparring and me trying to get him to think out of the box. Then there were my few babies in CNH, Summer 2001. We stood by each other...cried in each others' arms. Coming back to Singapore, as freaked and wary as I was about the world, I still managed to let my guard down enough for people to talk to me. Thing is: I don't get them to talk. They just do.

On my most recent London trip, I did expect to be bonding with my team girls. I ended up spending time in the room of one of them, listening to how she grew up and all. Then came the tears. Now that's another thing. Tears. It's dawned on me quite recently that when people speak to me, they usually end up crying at some point. And I do feel bad about that. Sometimes I try to force the tears out just to make them feel less alone, but most times, it doesn't work that way.

My only outlet, to this day, is my writing and sharing little bits of myself with the people who speak to me. I don't narrate my life story, but I do tell whatever's relevant to their situation and the conclusion of it. Geez...I do sound like a freakin' 50-year-old.

Ms Kuan just sent me an sms this afternoon...asking if Cole fancies me. I smiled to myself as I read that, at the same time wondering where the hell she got that idea from. She said VIBES. And VIBES seem to be what's getting everyone talking about HIM and I. Oh well, we'll see where those VIBES take us...