ANGEL IN DISGUISE

I woke up this morning feeling kinda blue
And I stumbled out of bed and
Dragged my feet across the room
Right outside my front door was a rose
And a note that said "Somebody Loves You"

But out on the street it starts to pour
And before I get soaking wet
A total stranger runs to give me
The jacket off his back
I turn around to thank him
But he waves me with a smile

I can hardly believe my eyes
He puts on a halo and starts to fly

Take a look at the ordinary
Don't need to look for Paradise
You could be next to an angel in disguise

I met a good friend for lunch
And we had a delicious meal
But I forgot to bring my wallet
I felt like an imbecile
But she was sweet, she gave me a treat and
Bought me a chicken sandwich
To take home for tea

But out on the street with nothing to eat
A man and his shopping cart go
Travelling to places
Collecting social graces
I gave him my sandwich
And we chatted for a while

I see a rainbow wash over his eyes
He gives me his halo and I start to fly

Don't try to hide away from me
I know you're by my side...

Everyday can be legendary
Every minute, an endless surprise
You could be the next angel in disguise.

- Corrinne May

i believe i have plenty of angels around me. =)

people who simply waltz into my life and leave me, knowing that i'd be all right.

how amazing it feels for people to believe in me this way.

but i'm not invincible, even though my alter-ego spells L-S-G.

just a random thought:

if love is all about making her happy and that includes leaving her alone if she wants you to...

then would you persevering and holding on to that smidgeon of possibility mean that you don't love her?

hmm.

i don't make sense, do i?

=)

SOMETHING ABOUT YOU

i'm still feeling weird.

i can't even describe how else i'm feeling.

just...oddness.

thanks for calling.

i suppose i needed that (on some subconscious level), in spite of my apprehension.

muchas gracias, mi amigo.

thank you, once again, for overcoming that inertia and making the call.

L.O.V.E

however i came up with this befuddles me. hmm.

LOVE...to me...

is like knowing she doesn't feel the way you do, but wanting to make her happy still.

you will want to do anything she wants you to, including leaving her alone.

if that will make her happy.

because LOVE is selfless. unconditional.

eeks.

I WRITE THE SONGS

over a lazy afternoon of taiwan's super sunday, i was reminded of this one guy who wrote me a song.

it's called "if i could just talk to you".

if i ever find that slip of paper, i'd post the lyrics right here =)

unfortunately, voltaire's (the person, not the philosopher) words are tucked somewhere in the mess of my pigsty of a room in the north.

voltaire is a filipino co-worker from my days at planet hollywood.

he kept to himself most of the time, till i started talking to him this one day.

from then on, he opened up to me, and on one evening, gave me a long letter with the lyrics and chords to that song.

i gave him back the song, but not before i jotted down those words.

he wrote of how he wished he could just gather up the courage to talk to me, and just leave his pride behind for a while.

oh well, the title says it all.

his sincerity was much appreciated, though not in a way he'd hope it'd be.

i think i was 17 then, and he, 30 or so.

even during my days at planet hollywood, i felt like a wallflower.

i could never click with the others like my then-buddy could.

then, when us quiet people kept silent, the rest would keep chattering and forget about those who were actually listening.

now, when i get a little too quiet during meetings, the bosses would get worried and do an "uh-oh...is there something wrong", giving me no chance to feel left out at all.

haha.

of course, i became more aware of myself as i grew older, so i wouldn't feel like a blend-in even if no one bothered to find out if i existed.

i've grown to the stage where people can easily relate to me, though i can't say it's a mutual thing.

and because they can relate to me, i've become some sorta bridge between people.

sometimes i wonder if wayne had such an impact on me that i've followed in his footsteps.

*wayne came along at one of the lowest points in my life, knocked some sense into me, and left. for good.

for several occasions in the past, i have brought people together, bonded them and then left them.

because my job would have been done.

not that it was literally "a job", but well...you know.

today, someone pointed out a significance of my role within a group.

i pondered over it for the rest of the afternoon, wondering if i'd do a "wayne" on them.

then i realized that probably wouldn't be the case because i'm so deeply integrated in this interest and group.

my personal relationships with the various characters in this team have given me such pleasure (stop that dirty thought this instant!) i'm hard-pressed to find an occasion when i should leave.

then again, unforeseen circumstances could pop up, and i might just HAVE TO leave.

but i believe when that time comes, someone would step up and assume that position of significance in a natural order.

no fuss.

no worries.

it'll just happen.

LITTLE SUPERHERO GIRL

finally...here's the reason for my alter-ego =)

I feel like a little girl
Trying to conquer the whole wide world
Everybody wants a piece of me
And I just don't know where to turn

I've got work piled up to my head
All I want to do is jump into bed
And wash away my troubles with lemonade
Play hide and seek with the boy next door
Take a trip to Singapore and
Imagine how I'll make the world a better place

All I need is a good disguise
One where nobody can recognize
That I'm feeling so small
All I need is a secret weapon
I've gotta have faith
Zapping monsters into outer space
I'm gonna be a Superhero

If I were a little girl
Trying to clean up the whole wide world
I'd kick the bad boys back to school
Teach them fighting's just not cool

I'd give every kid a teddy bear
Turn starving people into millionaires
Break glass ceilings with dynamite
Sprinkle a little sugar and spice
Turn the bullies that terrorize
Into pink poodles that bark
But don't bite

I feel like a little girl
Trying to conquer the whole wide world.

- Corrinne May

so far, only one person has GOTTEN IT...why i think this song represents.

if you feel me, know me...you'd get it too =)

i feel like a little girl...trying to conquer the whole wide world.

RED SUEDE SHOES

you know i'm into defying convention.

so just to prove to myself that "it ain't the red hot shoes", i wore my dance sneakers to salsa today.

i danced loads, for a thursday night...and all was well...BUT...

it just didn't feel right.

as philbie puts it, there was just "no magic".

perhaps it's not about the red hot shoes...it could just be the elevation they give me =)

whatever it is, it's so gonna be the red shoes this saturday.

HOPE SPRINGS

from a story largely untold.

the boulder of failure rolled off me the moment i saw the queue outside the istana snaking all the way to plaza singapura.

i had almost teared right there and then. on the bus.

the man who lies in the state room of the istana right now was our president. he was given an honorary doctorate late in life.

his highest education before that was his 'o' levels.

i admit i didn't know this snippet before CNA screened a tribute to him.

and i confess i was so bent on paying my last respects at the istana because of that unglamorous history of his.

I HAD WANTED TO THANK HIM FOR MAKING ME CRY.

(and i'm weeping as i type this because i didn't get to...)

you see, even in death, the guy gave me something.

the entire day, i kept hearing his voice in my head...urging me to "keep believing in yourself".

for if someone like him could make that much out of his life with an 'o' level certificate, then surely i could do the same. in my own way.

i must stop wallowing in my current predicament and move on.

when everything around you serves as a constant reminder to what you narrowly missed though, it's just plain hard.

and you try to attribute all that's happened to fate, thinking that it'll make you feel better. but really, it doesn't.

i had let myself down.

i had let myself down.

i had let myself down.

now, i gotta pick up the pieces.

thank you, once again, mr wee.

TRIBUTE TO MY PRESIDENT

good night, mr president, mr wee kim wee.

you've always had my heart.

you'd know that.

especially now.

GETTING OVER YOU

How can I start all over
Knowing we'll just be friends

And what will I do with my mornings
What will I do with my nights
You want answers that I can't give
You want words I don't know
Ask me when I'm through
Getting over you

- Janis Ian

thomas ong really opened the floodgates.

no, i didn't cry.

but seeing him unleashed a tirade of indescribable emotions.

before i go on though, i must stress that i DID NOT go out with thomas ong.

i went out with someone who looked a lot like him - cole.

i halted any chance i had with cole...purely because there was that nagging red light going off in my head.

a certain vibe i couldn't put my finger on made me stop us from going that step further.

i'm glad i followed my instincts, seeing what he's gone through since then and our present relationship, or lack of it.

but there's no denying we're still soulmates.

i'm guilty of having cole as a subconscious benchmark for intellectual conversation.

NO ONE has come close to our "speechless" evenings.

goes to show that the one who puts a stop to a burgeoning relationship doesn't necessarily have it easy.

the only thing i have yet to get over is, simply, how we came together so seamlessly.

but...that ship has sailed.

i'm just waving it into the horizon.

i'm glad the view from my room is of the water...its movement is keeping me sane at a time when i desperately need someone to just...hold me.

WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE

philbie said i leaked out a teeny little smile as i reminisced about him.

as i looked down from the upward escalator at takashimaya yesterday, i chanced upon a tall, slim built...with a slight stubble.

it was the ex-TCS actor, Thomas Ong.

i caught myself leaning over the edge to catch a better glimpse of him.

no, i'm not a fan of Thomas Ong.

it's just that...whenever i see him, or a picture of him on fashion magazines, i get chills and flashbacks...

of the man i had that special connection with.

sometimes, PERFECT just doesn't cut it.

i miss him.

i wish we could go back to when we had that "trenchcoat" revelation of a conversation.

i still smile when i think of him.

i guess some things are better left to memory. =)

goodbye cole.

i really did adore you.

WHAT THE HELL IS IT?

how do you wear a piece of cloth?

well, emily wrapped it around herself like a toga during theme night.

i wore a skirt as a halter once.

so yeah...i'd imagine myself to be somewhat "creative" with my clothes.

but hell...when i unfolded the a gift someone handed me, my thought process went like this:

1) oh...it's a sarong.

2) no wait...it's a pair of pants.

3) no wait...it's a huge piece of cloth with strings at the end.

4) WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!

i was convinced i wouldn't be able to figure out what it was until i started fiddling around with it.

it took me all of half an hour to realize that it was, indeed, a pair of pants.

just to see if i wasn't the only person who didn't know how to wear something like that, i got the housemate to figure it out.

she couldn't either.

then again, that could be why we're roomies. =)

TWO WEDDINGS AND A CAMPFIRE

uhhuh. you heard right.

in the span of a week, i've been asked to emcee two weddings and a campfire.

and i have the same co-emcee for all three events - BUBBA! (and we agreed that we should probably start charging people who want us to appear in public together...tsk tsk ;))

in other news...

people who don't have an extensive range of vocabulary should just stick to plain and simple terms.

people who haven't actually used slangs should never start using them and pretend to know what they mean.

sometimes, their "i-know-it-all" act would backfire on them, as this guy's backfired on him when he started spouting american slang in our conversation.

you try to help by pointing out what that phrase actually means, but the guy JUST DOESN'T GET IT! worse still, he KEEPS USING IT like a second tongue!

argh...the agony of being at the receiving end. without grimacing. and still smiling politely.

vocab-wise, you know the fella just wants to sound intelligent when the only big words he uses are those you've mentioned in your chats.

surely there's nothing wrong in that, is there?

of course there isn't. but don't you think you'll sound stupid constructing sentences AROUND that one word?

the problem with people, and journalists these days, is their reluctance to go back to basics.

they're losing sight of what plain ol' communication is about.

hmm...my editorial for the last issue of The Insider should fit right in.

Too Abstract to Swallow
Senior Phonecaster Serene Lim laments the state of financial journalism

Something’s wrong with this picture.

A hundred people file into a seminar room for a course in technical analysis. Gatecrashers demand to be allowed in and they end up standing behind the last row of seat.

But towards the end of the session the group turns frantic and scrambles for pens and paper.

You look up and see these five words on the screen: STOCKS TO WATCH OUT FOR.

It seems no matter how many times people attend investment clinics or technical analysis courses they still can’t seem to grasp the concepts enough to make their own decisions.

Why?

Because they are only there for the stock tips. Ask them why, after years of investing, they are still clueless about doing their own research and they will either tell you they "have no time" or "don't know where to start".

There is so much information, copious amounts of news and analysis, you would think it isn’t hard to stay "in touch" with your investments.

But is it?

Whether you are an old hand or a first-timer in investing you appreciate clear, digestible information. Less jargon, more clarity.

The trouble with most business media is they get too caught up in the numbers game. So much so that most times reporters forget what those numbers actually mean.

For example, instead of an esoteric phrase like "IBM is increasing its capital expenditure", why not explain what this really means: "IBM will be spending more money on building new factories in China".

A friend who works in financial news told me:

"People think you have to be a financial analyst to watch business news. But all this means is that journalists aren’t doing a good job of explaining themselves."

Makes sense, doesn’t it?

Reader- and viewership would be higher if more people understood what’s being written and said.

Being informed means understanding what you are reading or hearing, and language plays a big part in that.

By pushing past the complexities of jargon, business journalists would not only help you get as much value out of our reports.

Breaking it down would also demonstrate they actually understand what they are talking about.

so yes.

let's get back to basics, shall we?

(AND I DON'T MEAN SINGLISH! =))

SHE'S A LADY

now this...is true.

i think.

Your Seduction Style: The Coquette

You are a pro at playing the age old game of hard to get. Your flirting style runs hot and cold, giving just enough to keep them chasing you. Independent and self-sufficient, you don't need any one person to make you compelte. And that independence is exactly what makes people pursue you.

What Is Your Seduction Style?

Your Brain is 20.00% Female, 80.00% Male

You've got the brain of a manly man Feelings, schmeelings... tears aren't for you. You could break both legs and not get misty eyed. A great problem solver, nothing ever phases you.

What Gender Is Your Brain?

hmm. i can't even remember if i was THAT surprised at the result.

i did stop to think if i should post this up here though...haha.

UNA BULLA!

check out our gleeful faces on this one...ha:


rueda @ ADS social night

i was kinda hoping for more evidence of our presence at the event ;)

oh well...let's bring our own cameraman along next time...HAHAHA.

WHEN LOVE AND HATE COLLIDE

as tired as i was yesterday (everyone knew i was outta form), ricky and i managed to social our way through the performances. =)

i had wondered if i was being too ambitious by trying out those shines on him...and adding in the cross-body-turn-drop...

but those are the things that i just have to "bite the bullet" and do.

i wouldn't have had the guts to do them otherwise.

so essentially, it was precisely because i was put in a "do-or-die" (in this case, do-or-screw-up-and-embarrass-mine-and-my-partner's-asses) situation that i just DIDN'T THINK.

I JUST DID.


us smiling cheekily at each other

all in all, it was a good experience =)

thanks, ricky.

it was a personal triumph on my part because of two reasons.

ONE

for as long as i can remember, i had two left feet, a body that's stiff as hell and major inferiority complex aka a self-conscious streak.

i improved on my TWO LEFT FEET by doing a little hip hop.

now i'm no expert in it, but i remember enough moves to choreograph a routine. taking hip hop did not improve my body movement whatsoever though. i was HORRID AT ISOLATION.

i had wanted to try salsa for the longest time, but procrastinated taking it up for almost three years. all through those three years, the only things i knew how to do were the basic and side-step. without a partner.

so why did i finally decide to bite the bullet and take it up?

it really was just one simple dance i did with this brazilian guy that did it for me. i picked up the steps rather quickly and managed to do simple turns, back breaks and half-and-halfs in an hour.

and when i danced with him, he emanated such HEAT...that it just blew me away. i felt such euphoria after that experience that i didn't want it to end.

till this day, THAT EUPHORIA HAS ONLY BEEN INCREASING =)

so salsa has helped me a little in my body movement.

about being self-conscious, i guess it's something that's hard to throw off.

but i've been finding it increasing easy to enjoy myself because now, i've developed enough confidence to look my partner in the eye and follow...with a smile.

and because i do that, the crowd seems to fade away.

all i need to do is feel...to follow his lead.

(of course, it's VERY HARD to do this at union because you have to keep each other from bumping into other couples)

btw, this is the result of dancing in the midst of a HUGE crowd...


bruise above my ankle

some guy back-stepped onto my leg and i spent the next half an hour or more sitting in the winebar section, holding an ice-cube to the bump.

anyways, back to why the performance was an achievement for me.

TWO

"something that's THAT personal to you...something you indulge in in your personal space to soothe your soul and rejuvenate your senses...you just wanna keep it within you. so it wouldn't become public domain and you can still indulge in it.

it's your personal sanctuary."

that's how i described it to ricky.

it's just like my music. i don't really like to share my music or singing with huge crowds.

that's why, when friends tell me they want to hear me sing, i tell them i'll try to organize a showcase where i'll invite close friends and all.

we can sit down with some wine, a pianist, me, and anyone in the circle who just wants to sing (eyes ricky, ling, cynthia and simon ;)).

that should be fun.

going to union last night was such a mistake.

i should really discipline myself to just stay outta the place completely if i'm not well in the first place. it'll save me and a lotta other people the embarrassment of having a bad dance.

it was way too crowded for salsa, let alone for rueda.

danced with simon for the first time in a bloody long while! and it was one of the better dances i had...=) thanks SOUL MAN.

guys...you flatter me by asking me to dance with super mario...

it was really interesting to hear from total strangers who watched you dance how you have the calibre to try dancing with him.

i'm really not used to receiving such compliments.

but seriously...i really wanted to dance with him because you guys gave me told me i could do it. i just felt too worn to even try.

bottomline: I KNOW I WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO FOLLOW EVEN THE SIMPLEST STEPS BECAUSE MY BODY WAS SHUTTING DOWN. :(

maybe next time, eh?

SO WHY IS MY BLOG TITLED "WHEN LOVE AND HATE COLLIDE"?

i have other issues about salsa to discuss, but i think i'll add on to this later.

this post has gone on long enough. =)

FIXING UP IS HARD TO DO

is being the target for numerous fix-ups a compliment or an insult?

it'd be the former if you're known to be too busy to socialize and your friends are eager to induct you into their mundane hood of the couple.

now it'd be the latter if suddenly, too many people (friends and acquaintances) want to hook you up with whoever they can think of...regardless of how the fella works or even stopping to think if the two subjects would be able to click.

last night was the latest episode in the "fix-serene-up-with-my-other-friend" saga.

jas, who used to have a crush on me (and is getting married at the end of the year), said the topic of ME came up in a conversation he had with his fiancee.

she told him she knows of a single PE teacher, pro soccer player and avid dancer who'd probably work out.

jas added that "he's cute-looking".

for starters, i'm terribly skeptical about fix-ups.

i mean...people think they know me well enough to know what kinda HE would mesh with me.

just about two months back, my friend of 10 years asked if i was interested in going out with this "terrific guy who salsas, is smart and has numerous accomplishments under his belt".

she immediately post-scripts that statement with "i don't think you go for good-looking guys right?"

you can imagine how hilarious that conversation turned out to be...

none of the fix-ups ever came through...thank god.

look. i don't have a list of attributes to describe a fella i'd like to hang with.

though after doing salsa for a while, i'd like to start off with liberality.

it takes a big man to be able to keep still while watching his girlfriend exchange glances and heated moves with her dance partner.

so what if he should dance? it would still take a lot for him to not bat an eyelid when someone asks her for a dance.

i often watch in fascination as boyfriends eye the men who dance with their partners, thinking "how the hell can people become so bloody possessive?"

flashback to a chat with my home girls...

"when you love someone, you want to own her. you know she's an individual, but somehow, you still want to encompass her. you want to know that she's yours. it's selfish, but love is selfish."

ah.

but i'd still want to dance with other men. =)

NOTES TO SELF:

1) Do not bike before a dance session. Results in aching ass, thighs and neck. And oh...pelvic bone. OUCH.

2) Give the asses-who-body-wave-the-hell-outta-me as good as I get. Results in the guy having second thoughts about touching me with his chest ever again. (Then again, he may like it so much he'll do it more frequently...hmm.)

3) Practise the hell outta THE MOVES. Results in greater sensuality while dancing.

4) Get the guys who so love THE MOVES to keep practising them with me. Results in sore thigh muscles and extensive nose-bleeding...

5) Do not eat before two-to-three-hour-straight salsa session. Results in bloated tummy and air bubbles moving toward brain.

6) Do not attempt to blog after doing all the above in one night. Results in drivel-spouting.

I RODE TOWARDS KALLANG!!

TURNED AROUND JUST BEFORE THE NICOLL HIGHWAY THOUGH.

=)

YAY.

BURNIN' DOWN THE HOUSE

i wonder what blazed through this trash can...


bin at a bartley road bus-stop

could it have been a lighted cigarette some idiot threw into the can instead of butting it out?

or some punk who decided to light a piece of foliage and dump it onto the obviously plastic outer shell?

any other theories, people?

i've also realized i haven't quite introduced my darling bubba and how we've crossed paths often enough to become great pals.


bubba and me at this year's surprise party

but that's another story for another day.

thanks babes, for being such a constant interception =)

in other news...

CONGRATULATIONS TO KT ON HIS GOOD NEWS!!!

I'D BE HONORED TO BE YOUR EMCEE ON YOUR BIG DAY =) THANKS FOR NOT ASKING ME TO DANCE OR SING...hehe.

the weekend should be fun, since it's so freakin' packed with activities.

ricky and i will be dancing at a sports council event this saturday, followed by dancing and more dancing through the night.

it's gonna be a long day at pulau ubin sunday with the guys...boy am i glad i get to bike a little on my new baby before taking on the island...

i'm feeling too lethargic to write something of substance.

i'm feeling bimbotic.

maybe it's because i got an offer to freelance for someone.

yeah. i'm pretty sure that's what's making me feel so air-headed now.

pinch of salt.

ANGEL IN DISGUISE

today affirmed something i've wanted to believe for a very long time, but couldn't.

I MAKE A GOOD JOURNALIST.

not a business journalist though. i probably don't have enough interest to be a stellar one.

i had a long chat with an interesting character today...(yes, that chat affirmed my beliefs).

while having met up for some official stuff, we spent almost two hours just chatting. and it felt good. he totally opened up to me although he could've potentially put himself in a lotta shit by telling me what he did.

and i never did ask that much.

he just talked to me.

i realized...i really just need to listen.

no matter how eagerness threatens to spoil everything, just breathe and keep listening.

you'd be surprise how much one can learn by simply shutting up for a bit =)

thank you, dear stranger, for the enlightening two hours.

i hope it won't be our last two hours together.

OH WHAT A NIGHT

clothes maketh a man.

shoes do too, apparently. RED ones, at that.

despite the toe strap digging into my skin, the pair of suedes philbie brought me to get today really did the trick.

of course, i was really wobbly all through the night...but i felt more brazen...enough to shimmy and shine the whole night through =)

it's gonna take a long while for me to get used to wearing heels to dance, but man...woah.

so i danced with the slut. he turns me. then double-turns me. then says "wow...now let's try three..." and does it. and...you know what?

I FRIGGIN' DID IT!

how the hell i did it so effortlessly that first time around befuddles me.

anyways, before we headed down to our usual joint for our salsa fix, we popped by Attitude's social night down at the Gallery Hotel. (yes, that was where i started hobbling about in my new heels...geez. can i get any clumsier? =()

i'm not sure what we did, but everything just fell into place when us three couples did the rueda.

before we started though, we were a little concerned about our style...one of the guys asked if we should do it "ADS" or "JJ" style. in the end, we just decided on what we were totally comfy with.

i'm pretty sure i speak for everyone in the circle when i say that's the best i've ever see us look...=) we were in time...in sync...we had chemistry...and we owned the floor.

three couples. can you imagine?

we got so many compliments from that one round that us folks were beaming from ear to ear...haha.

all in all, the night turned out to be a lot better than i had expected.

and it all started with buying a pair of shoes.

THANKS PHILBIE =)

BEAUTIFUL STRANGER

i've never been told that i was pretty.

but "hermoso"? yes.

well actually, i've been called "pretty" by these two mexican guys on a flight. it became sorta a nickname for me the entire 15-hour journey back. "muy bonita", no?

thing is, for the longest time, i've been a wallflower.

that mentality stuck. and even till today, i can never truly feel like the belle of the ball (even if i was presented as one).

now that's not a bad thing.

i mean...i've been kept, feet planted firmly on the ground. i'm still standing straight though.

in my element, i'd shine. but that's because that quivering little wimp has decided to shut herself in her tiny little corner for some downtime instead of dominating my self.

between the dialectics of good and evil, you'd think she'd fall on the side of the angel.

in my case, however, i believe she sits firmly on the side of the two-horned asshole that resides on my right shoulder.

she's my bane, but i need her to be there.

to stab me in the heart should pride build me up.

she's keeping the men at bay too...and for that, i'm thankful.

i'm not sure if the sudden surge of empowerment is a good thing, but i sure am glad that i've just lost the semi-need for a hug.

sometimes, it may be better for people to keep their emotions in check.

sigh.

i'm glad, though, that i emanate enough radiance for people to call me "hermoso".

angus: don't worry. if you don't get to watch me perform, i'll sing for you. and if you don't get to watch me dance, i'll dance for you. thank you for being so supportive and accomodating =)

SOMETHING ABOUT YOU

if i thought that guy was mildly flirting with me the last time around, i was right.

because today, he flirted with me a little more.

of course, he may have talked to me like that because he wanted to make me feel at ease.

ordinarily, i wouldn't be attracted to someone like him.

physically, he looks...um...rather chubby and rough around the edges. (he doesn't even have the "cute nerd" look)

the part that's drawn me to him a little is his personality. and smile. and eyes.

is this testament enough that i'm not that much of a "looks" kinda gal? =)

sigh...what an odd place to meet. under such odd circumstances.

i'm suddenly at a loss for words.

maybe i'll blog again later. =(

TOMORROW

a call i got just minutes ago busted my restful mood.

i had wanted to just shut my eyes for 10 minutes before getting to work on my pieces again.

now, i'm not even sure i can sleep tonight.

it sure feels like shit to have something hinge on your one memory like that...i don't even think the stress ten times the amount of work i have now could even compare to the pressure i feel for what's about to happen tomorrow.

i'm pissed.

i'm wide-eyed.

but most of all, i'm fucking scared.

*and you know i don't scare easily.

DANCING IN THE MOONLIGHT

good company. good music. good fun.

all the necessary ingredients for a fantastic evening.

you may have heard me raving about rueda for the longest time...so here's a picture of how it looks like...


Enchufla como Dracula

you'll see us girls laughing and leaning away from the guys cuz they were supposed to mimic bites on our necks before moving on to their next partner.

the guy i'm dancing with here...i can so feel his teeth on my hand (used to cover my neck) whenever he does that move on me...haha.

you can tell we're having fun, can't you?

last evening was our first time dancing by the kallang waterfront, right outside the indoor stadium.

check out how it looks like at dusk...=)


Daphne, Nixon, Ling and Philbert

of course, Ricky has to have this picture...babes in arms and all...


Ling, Ricky and Cynthia

also check out how i'm trying to cut off philbert's oxygen supply...


OUCH...

can you see how he's flexing his arm muscle? geez...i must have strained it for him.

then it was back to costa rhu for some mushu...and birthday wishes.

hell, the pizza came so late and we were all so cranky even the music and air-conditioning didn't help.


Cynthia, Ricky, Clarence and Philbert

we had three birthday babies on board too.


Ling, Jas and Ricky

what a cute, child-like pose =)

so much for a blog. this is more like a pictorial.

*yawn.

i'll blog later.

HOOKED ON FEELING

of cramp in my thighs is getting to me.

my left thigh, rather.

all philbert's fault, i'd say...but thanks babes, for uh...teaching us to "defend" ourselves. and what a fun way of doing so =)

so how much more crazy can a few crazies get?

this much...



for someone who has been termed "repressed", it's terribly amusing to see him come up with something like this. hmm...must be the witching hour.

he even undressed my poor pig and used its top as its diaper, before i discovered how filthy piggin's shirt was and threw it into the wash.

look what he's doing to poor piggin...



he's stuffing him enough to bust him open for kway chup, or pig-type foie gras! THE HORROR!

in other news...

here're the other crazies in the bunch.



i think philbert looks really nice here though...haha.

cool shit lights eh...right by the waterfront outside my place =)

sigh...i know i'm gonna get so addicted to practising my "defence" techniques that i won't sleep well till the day i "get" them.

then i'll teach you horny bastards not to mess around wit me.

STUCK

i am.

the editorial.

sigh.

i wonder how i can...

i think i got it =)

DESPAIR

is the word of the day.

tonight...is when i need you to sit by me.

of course, for the umpteenth time i've felt this way, you aren't here for me.

i should stop hoping and start thinking.

*as if i haven't been thinking too much already.

CHASE

You know you've found love...

When you see her flaws,
Understand her weaknesses,
Overlook her imperfections,

And you still can't live without her.

from a writer's point of view, the line "overlook her imperfections" seem redundant.

but as a layman, the other lines are enough to make you "overlook" that one redundancy.

i chanced upon the above on the bus ride back to tanjong rhu...on an ad for channel 5's CHASE...as i was listening to Jazz In The City.

before that, i was already feeling rather fucked up by an insurance lady asking me questions like:

"there'll come a time you'd want to get married, right?"

"and then you'll want to have kids, right?"

"and then you know that you'll die, right?"

i had to smile and nod politely to all three rhetorical questions...although i really just wanted to say "no" to everything she posed.

i live on my own. i might not wanna get married. i might not wanna have kids. of course i know i'll die.

so sue me.

and it's not because i like defying conventions.

okay...let's digress from that depressing topic a little.

i was finally able to point out my idea of a "cute nerd".

jac and angus were wondering out loud "how nerds could ever be cute", and when i couldn't point out an example to them, they said that "it's beginning to sound like a myth".

AH-HA!

i pointed out BERNARD LO.

i had the biggest crush on him way back in poly...(COULD YOU IMAGINE I ALREADY STARTED WATCHING SQUAWKBOX THEN?!)

still like'em nerdy and bespectacled =)

work my mind.


ernie baby's shot of me

i dug this out from somewhere.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T

just a word i heard while watching the discovery channel's documentary on the life of the late Pope John Paul II.

i'm not religious, but i wept as i watched the late pope wither with age and sickness.

i would weep if i witness the same of any person on the street.

after all, i'm human.

how painful it is to see a loved one shrink within his skin, hunched as osteoporosis takes over.

how painful it is to have your loved one watch you degenerate.

i think...i'm finally beginning to feel.

not much, but i am.

here's what happens when people click...


cherie, philbert and i

THEY HAVE WAY TOO MUCH FUN!

FALLIN'

47.5.

i wasn't quite surprised when i saw the drop in weight.

after all, i knew it would happen...

i had known, since i was 16, that when i moved outta my parents' place, i'd be too caught up in everything else to look after myself.

i really just mean food. i'd forego meals if i were too preoccupied.

brings me back to my poly days, when a friend told me she hopes i find a boyfriend real soon so i'd have someone to take care of me.

apparently, i neglected my basic health needs. and that a guy who loved me could help out with that.

i scoffed at the idea. but i also conceded a "maybe".

hmm. i wonder.

no.

THE WATER IS WIDE

i can't cross over.

it's sunday, and time for me to head back to my parents' place.

it sounds so weird..."heading back to my parents' place".

there's a certain inertia that's keeping me rooted to my seat.

hmm...then again, maybe it's just lethargy from sleeping in.

MY PLACE

saturday mornings are probably the only times jac and i can just sit around and have chats.

we were deciding how to spruce up the nekkid wall in front of us...okay, i'll stop with the home improvement talk already ;)


my roomie chillin'

jac wants to show off her room and view as well...haha =)


in living color

when cookie lay on the sofa yesterday, he said the whole place gave him a rather "chalet" feel.

maybe it's because homes are mostly cluttered. and ours isn't.

YET.

(jas: my room will still be as neat in a month's time...you can count on that ;))


my sanctuary

there's a certain beauty and elegance in all things little.

and my favorite picture of the day...


my own little corner

presenting sharon, the pound puppy i had since i was 7...riley, the cute plush that came with gwizzly (living with mi hermano) and my first, personally crafted birthday gift.

my own little corner where i can simply curl up and lap up the waterway...

welcome to my world.

AND ALONG CAME THE SSTT...

and along came the SSTT
if you don't know what it means i'm gonna cry
cuz we're the SSTT
the sesame street team
it's cookie, elmo, ernie and i...

cookie and i first started the SSTT at the back of KT's van more than a year ago.

we even came up with the basic elm-ernie-cookie-oscar combo...(i wrote the above jingle based on this)

over time, the new additions to the team floated away because of family or relationship committments.

how sweet it is to have the basic combo still intact. =)


mrt station madness

the crowd at outram mrt probably thought us bunch of crazies slipped out of IMH...


bus madness

ditto for the people on service 158 last evening...


ernie and cookie

dinner at fisherman's wharf, right below the LADC studios.

people were amazed at how we all clicked...us with our extreme personalities.

how the hell could a former gangster (with an embedded hitman mentality) gel so well with a city girl in me...much less formed the SSTT with a volleyball player and a crazy ass of a hyperactive scout leader?

beats me.


elmie trying

to snap a pic of us by herself.

of course, ernie was trying to tell her she had a finger shading part of the lens but we so didn't get it cuz he was pretty off in the head for most of the day...hmm.

april fool's syndrome, love?

i wonder when the next SSTT day will be...

shall we do a couple more before the crazy ass enters NS? =)

OF BOOBS AND BODY ODOR

seriously philbert.

i don't know how the conversation went in that direction, but hell, it was hilarious!

and i'm a girl. so go figure.

the moonlight bouncing off the rippling water.

that's one of the reasons i head to the esplanade waterfront ever so often.

i love the feeling the scene gives me. there was never a time i stared out at the water and did not feel my eyes well up.

though after what puneta encountered there, i'm a little hesitant to go down past sunset.

thank god i now have a similar view from my bedroom window.

i could just lay back in bed and look out towards the trembling line of light on the river.

sigh. a walking contradiction. detached. warm. unfathomnable. hopeless romantic.

how could these have been reconciled into the being of ME?

NEVER TRUST A SKINNY COOK

what an amusing title for an outdoor cooking program =)

i almost came up with a similar dial but am too brain dead to hold that thought. =(

union tonight was...um...interesting, for lack of a better word.

i had gone in, burger in hand, preparing to just gobble down my first meal of the day before a round of rueda.

i notice this guy staring at me.

after frantically gobbling down the horrendous cheeseburger (from BK, please DO NOT EVER buy it because it's cheap, just stick to your regular mushroom swiss) and heading back to the table at the corner, he comes up to me, smiles knowingly, and asks...

"so how was your audition?"

i was like, "oh shit...you mean you saw it too?"

turns out the fella's from CNA. and his colleague asked if he knows me from salsa.

nevermind.

as i was rushing out the door because i was convinced i'd miss the last 158 back to tanjong rhu, this other rueda guy steps outta the club and asks me the same question.

so now, i'm getting kinda embarrassed...because what i did at the audition was a friggin' poor example of salsa and if they all saw it, no one would ask me to dance...=(

i had wanted to get the auditions over and done with, that's all.

but my gut is kinda telling me this is just the beginning...

*i'm looking forward to SSTT day ;)


the bed

i had to make do with this quilt cover =(

i had hoped for something more like the one i have in serangoon. a strong color to square off against the red bedspread. this yellow's too wimpy.

RAINY DAYS AND MONDAYS


rain from my window

i know. i'm mental...but...but...

doesn't it look smokin' even when it's raining?

i'm so tired it's not funny.

but i'm so loving the stress.

yum.

TENDER IS THE NIGHT

Between the darkness on the street
And the houses filling up with light
Between the stillness in my heart
And the roar of the approaching night
Somebody's calling after somebody
Somebody turns the corner out of sight
Looking for somebody
Somewhere in the night

Tender is the night
When you hold your baby tight
Tender are the motions, tender is the night

jackson browne pretty much says everything in this song.

of course, i ain't using this song because i'm feeling all sentimental or anything.

the word "tender" kinda hit me straight in the face as this girl i know rattled off what her boyfriend does for her and all the expensive gifts he gets her or she gets herself (on his account). okay...i am so not going to rattle on like she did.

the boyfriend is a really nice guy. he totally accomodates to her. and yes, he does seem like a "tender" fella.

though the word got to me when i flashed back to the times i was somewhat pursued by some.

one running thread among those who've tried to get into my good books is...that they've all been extremely nice to me.

i've been surprised with ice cream after class at the end of a bad day.

been sent a basket of roses on valentine's day from a friend who's secretly harbored a crush on me for years.

someone's even written a song for me.

they've all been TENDER. with their soft, small actions. soft, caressing voices. gentle handholds with the ocassional tug and squeeze. brushing my hair off my face lightly. kissing my forehead.

it almost felt like they were treating me like they would a baby...my COLLEGE GIRLS cast mates even called me "princess".

some have even played jester to get me to laugh, or smile. several even went as far as to say that to see me really smile would be one of the most wonderful things...haha.

being the romantic i am, it really is heartwarming to be at the receiving end of such gestures.

more often than not though, i play the bitch simply to stay out of the relationship circle.

it's worked so far.

perhaps i should make "try a little tenderness" my new theme song. =)



view from the top, at night

now here's the part where i talk about the night.

how can you not look at this view and think "tender is the night"?

(i just looked up and caught a glimpse of the water, glistening in the moonlight)

cosy room. new bed. great view.

now all i need is someone to take me in his arms and whisper sweet nothings into my ear.

tenderly.

ROOMFUL OF BLUES

not.

ya'll would've heard of my moving out to a place called tanjong rhu.

so here is my new room...messy yet naked, but mine =)

(c'mon...give me a break, i only had time to bring all my stuff over without unpacking...)


looking in from the doorway

yes, you're looking at my brand new bed frame and mattress, laden with my hi-fi set and duffel bag.


cosy ledge

i fell in love with the ledge the moment i saw it.

sure...it may be occupied by a mess of bags and boxes now, but it'll be a heaven for me to just curl up, read and look out at the beautiful view, in no time.


view from the top

and altogether now..."AWWWWW".

go on and tell me this is NOT a beautiful view.

i'm in love. =)

to think i was zonked out for most of asia water's briefing today.

*slap myself at the back of my head

how the hell did i get so exhausted?

GIRL ON TV

messages swarmed my mobile handset, and i had to delete some old smses to accomodate the incoming ones.

those five said the same thing:

"hey! what were you doing on tv?"

so you can imagine how perplexed i was then...HOW THE HELL WOULD I HAVE APPEARED ON TV?!

and then i realized someone other than the audition cameraman was filming the whole freakin audition process.

i had gone for CNA's "Audition Me" thingee, you see.

for about five minutes after those smses came in one after another, i freaked. and i was waiting for the mrt, in front of two old laydees.

after that though, i turned rather calm...of course, my insides were about to burst with euphoria.

i mean...it's probably a good thing that outta hundreds of last-minute auditionees today, they picked me, among a couple of others, to feature in the news story.

on the flip side though, what the hell is CNA doing, spending airtime on a repeated subject like the auditions?!

hmm. (yes yes...you read me right. and you'd know what i'm thinking now if you know me =))

i hope my failed attempt at basic salsa manages to get some votes thrown my way though...haha.

*and i'm so hoping my salsa instructors wouldn't see the disgrace of an example i provided...

i do love you.

cuba.

i believe it's the dilemma that got me all distracted during salsa tonight.

i was hell bent on boycotting the audition...for some reason though, all signs seem to be pointing me in that direction.

so if it's bothering me so, i should just bite the bullet and go for it.

if not to win it, just to get this shitty feeling over and done with and rid myself of all the "what if"s.

sigh...why haven't i been hit by the usual wave of post-dancing euphoria?

i'm tired.

what hypocrisy.

you leave without a word...

you don't acknowledge my presence even when i'm standing right in front of you...

you don't even have the courage to hand over what i lent you personally...

and yet,

you have the cheek to message me:

"just wanna wish you a happy birthday".

fuck you.

fuck off.

FITS YA GOOD

so here're some way overdue pictures i should've uploaded sooner...


elm and i.

my dearest elm trotted down to esplanade park to meet me and ern for a bit last saturday.

make that her and her arm. poor baby.

the dress code of the day seemed to be pink and white...but i swear we so weren't planning it!

elm: sis loves you =)


ling and i.

ling is one of the sweetest people i've known to date.

how we clicked within such a short time still befuddles me...but let's just leave it as that...=)

ling: thanks for the necklace, girl. i just wanna give you a big hug!


and here comes ricky.

this picture was post-"dipping".

i woke up the next morning with a bloody sore neck, which lasted till today. hahaha...

but ricky's been a joy to be around...of course, that applies to all the other rueda fellas.

i suppose that's why we hang out that often.


philbert and us.

here's another sweetie.

funny ass of a guy...but beneath that wildly crazy exterior lies a quiet and gentle side, i believe.

he just doesn't quite show it. as do all of us...who don't quite show off our vulnerability.


hanlim and i.

at breeks, ang mo kio.

we're beefcakes...cuz we both love beef...:) BOVRIL my man!

this guy's listened to me whine about my shit since the day i got hit with THE NEWS.

thanks for sharing.

and here's something that touched my heart...


flowers.

nothing really quite says it like a painting.

a self-made one.

thank you, for making the day complete.

*this is so gonna go up on the wall in my new bedroom...

ALL THAT JAZZ

melancholy. jazz.

these two words have been swimming about in my cerebral hemispheres for the longest time.

the first time those two surfaced was when i asked myself this:

"would one have to be melancholy to be able to sing jazz?"

pop and ballads were pretty much my genre.

as "obvious" as it seems how ballads normally have a huge chunk of melancholia dunked in, it really is jazz that takes the cake.

to sing jazz, one would have to be of a certain age...possess a certain kinda aura...and keep it understated at the same time.

i never thought i had the sass to carry off the genre...till now.

i'm not fantastic at it, of course. i really am just more comfortable with the genre. =)

maybe it's because i'm a year older, and celebrating my living for the 24th year.

LIVING. I AM LIVING.

i seem to have stuck out for most of my life.

if not because of my physical self (while i was this tall, stick-thin figure in primary school), then my high profile.

han lim said he and ashley talked about me a little...and he mentioned how i probably had trouble staying in the airline because i stuck out.

and i still stick out.

good for me, i suppose...since i don't have to wear an outrageous color on my head or dress skimpy to get attention.

take me as i am, who i was meant to be
and if you give a damn
take me, baby
or leave me.

- take me as i am, rent.

THANK YOU

today was such a surprise.

i usually pride myself on being able to see through people and things...but man...my boys are good =)

thanks ernie, for coordinating everything...and for the pencil.

love you all so much and am looking forward to the first of april - our first sstt day in the longest time.

elmie...cookie...you're my babes.

if it wasn't the surprise that welled me up inside, it was seeing you two. again.

in other news...

i'm touched by everyone's concern.

it's amazing to actually click with some whom i've known for a mere couple of weeks, or months.

if i haven't told you personally already, THANK YOU.

thank you for making me smile. and laugh. and cry.

for once, i'm crying tears of joy on my birthday.

melancholy as i am, still, it really is a pleasure to share the occasion with you.

it's amusing how the people i thought were fantastic dancers, are now telling me they aren't too good when they ask me to dance.

it's like...a disclaimer or something...

"would you like to dance? but i'm not too good ah."

and i gently remind these guys that i've danced with them before.

they don't remember me.

i wonder if that serves as compliment enough.

hmm.

BRING IT ALL BACK

when someone quietens down on a certain issue, it doesn't mean she's done with it.

it just means that it's always at the back of her mind.

i never did agree to do otherwise.

so please don't look at me like i went back on my word.

why can't you just trust what i'm doing?

why can't you see how this could be good for all of us?

i'm sick and tired of being elevated and brought down so many times in a day.

A HOUSE IS NOT A HOME

this song sums it up best for me.

of course, i don't mean it exactly like the lyrics meant for it to be - romantic.

your house is only a home when your heart and soul are there.

if you know me, you'll know where my heart is.

A chair is still a chair
Even though there’s no-one sitting there
But a chair is not a house
And a house is not a home
When there’s no-one there to hold you tight
And no-one there you can kiss goodnight

have you ever walked into a room, to see him in his chair, poring over something on his desk?

and as he hears you walk in, he glances up and gives you a grin that's so adoringly goofy?

for that one moment, that room is home.

A room is still a room
Even though there’s nothing there but gloom
But a room is not a house
And a house is not a home
When the two of us are far apart
And one of us has a broken heart

you turn the key into the place you call home.

as you step into the room, an irrepressible sense of loneliness beseiges you.

it's empty, dark and cold.

and from that moment, that room becomes the last place on earth you want to be.

Now and then I call your name
And suddenly your voice appears
But it’s just a crazy game
When it ends, it ends in tears

you fall asleep all alone in bed.

you think you hear him, but as you reach for him, he vanishes.

you wake up breathless, and sobbing uncontrollably.

I’m not meant to live alone
Turn this house into a home
When I climb the stairs
And turn the key
Oh, please be there
Still in love with me

so here's an achievable, grown-up wish for the year...

i wish to go home.

*now if only i can click my heels three times and come home.

THAT'S WHAT FRIENDS ARE FOR

need i say more?

you know...i did it again.

just last night, i was held down by a sandbag...and unfortunately, i took someone down with me.

it was an intentional act which didn't turn out the way i mapped it out.

maybe it really was that time of the night...

but let me attribute such idiocy on my part to the onslaught of el dia.

it's weighing down on me again.

please let me be...at least until the passing of el dia.

where are you, wayne?

where are you...when i need your wisdom...

i desperately need a hug.

FORGET ABOUT LOVE

it was the melody of the song that caught my attention eons back, but listening to the lyrics of the song got me pondering...

DO WE REALLY NEED A NEW LOVE TO MAKE US FORGET THE OLD ONE?

mark wills sings it like this:

He said goodbye - you watched him turn and walk away
Before your eyes - there went the plans you made
His memory rolls down your cheek
In the shadows all alone
Girl take my hand, take one more chance
Let me turn the light back on

Nothing makes you forget about love like love
Makes you forget about, the one who let you down
It's over now, you've cried enough
Give me a little time
And in my arms you'll find
Nothing makes you forget about love like love

A human heart - sometimes can only take so much
Girl let me start - to pick the pieces up
Let's strike a match to the past
And we'll dance inside the flame
Once you feel a love that's real
You won't recall his name

I know it's hard to reach for someone else
But please close your eyes and trust your heart
And let love do the rest

Nothing makes you forget about love like love

and if you do need a new love to bring you in from the cold, how'd you know it isn't a wrong love?

how would you know if that new love is real...and not some fella who just happens to be there?

love is so undefinable you don't even know when it's staring you in the face.

it's so funny to hear mark wills sing this on the same album:

Wouldn't wanna go calling this love
That word isn't close enough
To describe what we've got here
My heart is still in one piece
I can eat and I can sleep
I haven't cried one single tear
I never lost my freedom
And I'm too secure to be afraid

This can't be love you're giving me
It feels so good, comes so easy
It's gettin' stronger every day
Like it's never gonna fade away
This can't be love I feel for you
It's nothing like what I've been through
It's gotta be something new
This just can't be love

Every love I knew up until now
Picked me up just to let me down
I've been every shade of blue
I never quite felt sure inside
A little nervous and a little tongue tied
Bit i can always talk to you
Look at us we're still together
Love's never taken me this far

this whole song sorta insinuates that love needs to hurt to some extent...because if you ain't crying or losing sleep over it, it ain't love.

perhaps i'm being too cynical.

maybe the lyrics really meant happy tears and losing sleep over happy thoughts.

when coleman told me he loved me, i asked how he knew.

he said he was experiencing something new, and that he'd never felt that way about anyone else before.

so love is undefinable, yet, when we do fall in love, we know what we are...in love.

because it just feels different.

when a person needs company, he makes it known.

and when a friend knows of the need for companionship, she accomodates to that.

because she hopes her presence will make a difference...and that he might feel better.

but...

sigh.

i need company too.

*okay okay...i know i'm a freakin walking contradiction. just let me indulge in my freakin contradicting thoughts for a bit, won't ya?

i've never quite seen posses walking around like...well, posses.

until last night, that is.

the people who planted their asses at the waterfront theater last night for the mario lopez band were probably oblivious to this, but all the different dance posses surrounded the entire arena.

to their extreme right were the group from J&J (the place where i'm taking my rueda).

just next to the J&J posse were the Jitterbugs people (where i took my basic and intermediate).

on the extreme left were the Attitude posse (where i took an intermediate class).

and you know they were posses because they walked about in their own groups.

if this were harlem, we would've broke out into multiple fights already...haha.

i don't know what made me think of this...

TRIPAHOLICS...

my rueda class fellas. these people are crazy asses. i'm a crazy ass.

the two sitting down in front are our instructors - june and jackson.

i don't know why but i gotta share this song that just popped into my head...

It's very clear our love is here to stay
Not for a year but ever and a day
The radio and the telephone
And the music that we know
May all be passing fancies
And in time may go

But oh my dear, our love is here to stay
Together we're going a long long way
In time the Rockies may crumble
Gibralter may tumble
They're only made of clay
But...

Our love is here to stay.

- Our Love Is Here To Stay, Gene Kelly

PUFF THE MAGIC DRAGON

happens all the time, doesn't it?

just less than 12 hours ago, i was soaring on the wings of the word "passion".

ten minutes ago, i was brought back down with so much force it's created an indent in the ground.

two inches into the ground. that's where i am.

if my eyes weren't swollen from the lack of sleep, they sure are puffed up now from my active tear glands.

it's been a while since anyone's seen me with puffy eyes..."puff" is an endearing nickname, but for my sake, i hope that name isn't here to stay.

this is one of those times when i just need someone to sit by me.

to just keep me in check about crying. to be that silent pillar of support.

just for today. for the evening.

i was so looking forward to the evening at the esplanade.

now, i'm not even sure if i should go.

me and my puffy eyes.

i haven't had that much fun in a long while...

dancing to me is what alcohol is to some people - it numbs me.

and even if it were for a couple hours, the adrenaline keeps pumping all the way till the morning after.

i'm coughing my lungs out but hell...it was a darn good night.

the calve muscles are calling out for oxygen but hell...it was a freakin' good night.

i'm keeping my fingers crossed for next saturday.

i hope the adrenaline from a possibly good saturday night would hold through to monday...or even, tuesday.

i hope...

i wouldn't have to sob monday away.

i've often mulled over the wondrous effects a good relationship can have on a person.

of course, the horrendous downstream of good relationships gone bad supersede such wonder.

i guess that's why i've not had a basis for comparison yet.

it's not that i'm afraid...i just haven't met my match. =)

so who is he?

for the longest time, i've harbored a yearning to see josh again...josh, whose birthday is on the day before mine. how fantastic.

so when it hit me that that'll never happen, i moved on.

but i supposed he set a subconscious benchmark.

who is HE?

i think he may very well be josh and coleman combined.

i'm looking forward to the day we meet.

it shall be an interesting encounter.

DOORS

You think I know
What I must do,
What hopefully lies ahead.
But even though
I have no clue,
It's something I'm not to dread.

I'm not afraid
To rise and say,
I'm going for my dream.
And should I fail
Along the way,
Life still will promise some meaning.

I must try
since I've the chance,
To open a hidden door.
And I will fly
Just let me once,
I'll show you I can soar.

I never dreamt
I'd come to this,
The thought never crossed my mind.
But fate will tempt with promises
Of treasures and dreams to find.

I've turned away
The little things
That I was forced to do.
But in some way
Those little things
Are everything that I'm used to.

I must try
Since I've the chance
To open a hidden door

For each single one
That I go through
There will be several more

Now I've begun,
All I must do
Is open every door.

- Hotpants, The Musical.

thank you hian hong, for lending me the CD.

you have no idea what it did for me...it came at the right time.

after much deliberation and tears, i've decided to celebrate EL DIA.

once again, music has saved me from plunging into the depths of depression.

bring on the 21st. i'm ready to face the world. with gusto. =)

i want to create magic with music.

i want to transport people to fantasy world of tinker bells, fairy lights and then some.

i can't do alegria, or 'o', or mystere, but i'm sure i'll be able to create a new world with the simplicity of my music.

the wonderful world of disney has just given me the drive to do something more with music (there's that word again).

as the little fairies pranced about, accompanied by a song (which title i desperately seek), my eyes welled up.

i was trying so hard not to tear...

the music did it for me.

it's begun.

i'm beginning to feel detached...

i'm desperately seeking something in the past year to celebrate...or something in the coming year to look forward to.

i still can't see it...i can't.

WHERE ARE YOU?

EL DIA is merely two weeks away.

please give me the space to mourn the loss of a dream.

it's all coming back...tonight...

it's begun.

MELANCHOLIA

"What's my euphemism?" - Alice

"You're 'disarming'." - Dan

"That's not a euphemism!" - Alice

"Oh, but it is." - Dan

well, "unfathomnable" was the word used on me today.

haha...the boss said he loves me deeply, but still can't figure me out.

the journey from plaza singapura back to my residence was a hard one.

my tear glands were so trying to keep from succumbing to the odd shit that's activating them.

i had watched the movie "closer", you see.

it hit home, that one.

the messages tore me right open...and while people were laughing, i was just trying to keep myself in my seat.

i have yet to digest the entire movie, but my mind is so flooded with varying emotions right now i'm about to burst.

though i can't.

maybe i'll cool down after the next few days...not sure if union is a good idea at this point.

the last time i felt this way and went to union, i walked out within 10 minutes.

night rages are back...

even during a two hour nap.

dance dance dance

need to dance...

rueda!! pissed pple off, HUGE circle...small circle

tired shit...legs were hurting, calves aching...but we're cool.

bloch sneakers!!!

thanks jenny. =)

I'LL BE

i went to the istana this morning for an award ceremony.

all through my three hours there, my mind was filled with maniacal musings...like:

1) would alarms go off if i were to set one foot on the lawn?

2) would guards and the swat team swing in from all directions if my cell were to ring in the middle of the ceremony?

3) what'd happen if i carved my name on the istana toilet wall?

i really have to thank all the wonderful comedies i've watched for those funny thoughts.

in a span of two weeks, the chief commissioner has become my naggy new mother.

he has been nagging at me to go to bangalore with the team for their first PR session with all the scouters who'll be there for a function.

i can't go because i can't just take off like that.

work comes first.

(though i kinda feel guilty i'm not busting my ass now, like i did the last time).

i had a whole lot to say about lady salsa...sigh...oh well, it's over. ain't gonna gripe about it no more.

no matter how "understated" i've tried to be, there are people who'll tell me i'm "larger than life".

and i just can't understand it.

physically, verbally, i've toned things down a whole lot...not that i was over-the-top before.

so it's funny how people would say that now, and not before when i was, quite obviously, more "star"-like.

(and i do mean the star personality profile).

hmm. i'm pensive.

TIME

i'm numb.

not sure what from, but i am.

the weekend's blinked by without much ado.

dancing has been major therapy, and would be IT for a long time to come.

last week was a rollercoaster ride.

between trying to get rid of the flu and working out some articles, i've had some time to think.

i've been physically neglecting something i call my religion...but because it is so entrenched in me, i don't fear losing touch with it.

people may not understand it, but it is very real to me.

it's something like dance.

when stayz told me about the wonders of dance three years back, i couldn't quite grasp how it could be a need.

tomorrow, i will write him an email to tell him i finally get it.

For as long as he can remember he has had an incredible energy. And it has nothing to do with drugs or alcohol either ? the man doesn’t touch the stuff. “Maybe it is about needing to dance, I love to dance," he tells me.

Dancing is how Stayz has survived. In his late teenage years it gave him a break and he says it is the key that opened doors all over the world for him.

- Y We Dance website

stayz was the first person who made me believe in my talent - my voice.

it was then i made music my guiding light.

with dance coming into the picture, everything seems to be falling into place.

it's taken me my life thus far to recognize my calling.

now, more than ever, it's taking me to new spiritual heights.

my salvation lies in this.

and as long as i remain true to my precious light, i will not falter.

it's a lonely world when people expect the truth, yet can't handle it. after that negative reinforcement, you're back at square one. if only they could accept your being, and not try to understand you in totality. after all, how can anyone understand the grid of the human race?

(can you picture this?)

my heart's still in manhattan.

so home's there.

no matter where i move to, home will be there...as long as my heart is.

when will i ever go home?

in my semi-drugged state this evening, i managed to:

1) catch the 1755 train down to dhoby ghaut;

2) grab the stuff from ashley;

3) gripe with her for a bit;

4) hop over to breadtalk for a bite; and

5) catch the 1830 train back to serangoon.

i don't think i've ever been so happy to be able to stand up straight.

it feels good to be back.

well, almost.

i wonder how many other people he sent this message to...

"so do you have a date tonight?"

meaning what?

"no babes...haha. do you?"

"nope. going home. let's go out for a show sometime."

"sure...so you're having a quiet night with your mac too huh?"

"oh yeah definitely."

i don't know...does this exchange make sense to you?

SHITTY SHITTY BANG BANG

i derive much of my energy from the sun.

i love the sun.

but too much of a good thing has left me struggling to take my next deep breath without choking, or activating the phelgm reflex.

three full days of standing under direct heat and having my hearing murdered by the cymbal and drum beats have taken their toll on quite a few of us in the group.

yes. it's the post-lion dance season sickness.

i'm feeling like shit now and i can't hear properly.

but those three days have brought us closer as a group.

we traded stories and experiences en route to our various performance venues...and even though we're all VERY different individuals, we're bonded by one single goal:

to teach our boys our brand of scouting. yeung ching style.

it's just like what us few salsa-lites talked about...

in school, CCAs were the filters to bringing people with the same interests together. when we're out working, things like salsa become the filtering mechanism. the same goes for scouting...even though it's really more political than it looks.

dax thinks my hair's nice.

he saw me yesterday when i was all sick, sweaty and messy...and he likes it.

if dax thinks it looks good, then it does.

because he's the expert eye.

the other expert eyes have echoed his sentiments. =)

i'm good.

DO YOU ONLY WANNA DANCE

so baby stop you're surrounded
i got my love all around ya
one wrong move and i'll down ya
and that'll end ya
you should surrender
you'll never win
unless you give in
so won't you give our love a chance
or do you only wanna dance?

no real reason for starting off today's babble with this song...it's just that it's been ringing in my head since hearing it so many times new year's eve.

i suppose a lotta people, while dancing with a good partner, would have the last two lines of the chorus above flash through their minds. occasionally.

after all, if you're single, and you're dancing with a fantastic lead who enjoys dancing with you...yeah.

i'm going nowhere with this, by the way, so don't start getting any weird ideas.

i danced with a fantastic lead today.

the best dancer in the room (well at least i think he is...for most of the fiestas i've stayed for) asked me to dance.

and i said "i'll try".

i didn't need to. he was SUCH A GOOD LEAD!

the only part i got stumped was when he did some moves that required styling on my part...and i'm like "i don't know how to style!"

but it sure was fun dancing with him.

my hair's now at this really awkward length...i'm glad it's gotten slightly longer...but it sure looks funny.

if i hadn't opened my mouth to speak for most of yesterday, the lion dance clients would probably have thought of our group as an all-male ensemble.

of course, that wouldn't be too surprising, given that we are, in fact, a scout unit.

i was feeling lethargic for most of the day. even salsa class sucked somewhat.

but once fiesta began...man...it brought me back to life.

i'm now back to slumping in my seat though.

the thought of a long tomorrow doesn't quite do it for me...but hell, i'm hoping it'll turn out better than it looks to be.

good night worldie.

some people keep nodding their heads at the notion of me being a volcano just waiting to erupt.

and that's all they'll ever know how to do.

because at the back of their minds, they're thinking...

"whatever. how big could she become?"

it's that very thought that keeps them from letting go...of me.

i might just have taken that first step out, and they've just yanked me back in, giving no thought to how much this step might've meant to me.

if not for last night's salsa session, this would've been the start to my new year.

and what an awful start it would've made.

*i'm feeling so pissed. i WILL have to act my way through the evening, at the very least.

I'VE GOT THE POWER

i might just have met a second wayne umehara today.

except that this time around, this guy's just a tad bit more aggressive.

it was supposed to be a business meeting, but after ten minutes of discussing printing material and stuff, he started to tell me about me.

it's true.

he told me about me.

i'm gonna make a feeble attempt at listing the things he said...

1) YOU ARE A VERY BRIGHT PERSON.

he said the moment he met me, he felt my sincerity shine through. and that i'm a very smart person. with a sunshiney personality.

2) YOU'VE GOT IT.

he said i've got the whole package to make it anywhere i wanted. he actually said i am a very powerful woman...and that i just haven't realized it yet.

a volcano waiting to erupt - that's another thing he called me. but in a good way. he thinks i'm now just burbling beneath the surface, and in time, i will erupt and do great things.

"you know that you have the power to have men 'die in your hands'?"

(imagine saying 'die in your hands' in mandarin. there you go)

3) YOU'RE LIKE A WILD HORSE.

just waiting to be tamed. by the right person.

and the right person would have a stronger personality than me.

a lesser man would never have the guts to even strike up a real conversation with me, let alone tame me.

i can't remember what else he mentioned really.

it's all a jumble of words right now...but it was a really interesting meeting.

he even said that he'd love to see me MAKE IT, and to take it from him, as a fellow hainanese brother, to take the first step.

THIS, FROM SOMEONE I MET FOR THE FIRST TIME, TODAY.

how the hell?!

i thought i was plain ambitious...and that everyone else my age was like that.

whenever my parents tried to tie me down with harsh reality, i would look at them through fiery eyes, saying...

"do you know how much i have in me? how much the world hasn't seen?"

i know i am powerful.

and that i'm meant for much bigger things.

it's just a matter of time.

world, you ain't seen nothin' yet.

CELEBRATE

i'm contemplating disappearing on el dia.

sounded it off jac, and she said...

"i've thought about it before too, but then realized it'd be rather odd, and sad, to be alone and feel as if no one cares about you."

especially on el dia.

the monday after my last rueda II class.

el dia.

i wonder if i'd feel anything other than pure rueda exhilaration then.

SUPERMAN

Superman (to Lois Lane): I've got you.

Lois Lane (in response): You've got me, who's got you?!

so those were lines from the niagara falls scene, where superman flew down and scooped a flailing lois lane back up onto dry land.

let's just take those two lines into an emotional context, shall we?

how wonderful it would be to be an emotional bucket.

wait...let me amend that a little...

how wonderful it would be to be a bottomless emotional bucket.

i would then be able to listen to people and their problems, give my two cents worth, and move on. all this in addition to handling my own issues. and moving on.

i know like-minded people...people who believe their salvation comes from helping others.

but...

HOW MUCH IS TOO MUCH?

and how do you stop before you reach your breaking point?

i suppose we're always testing our threshold for such things, but the truth is, we can't simply keep taking and not have an outlet for release.

we must learn to recognize that we can't be all.

i have to learn that i can't please everyone and that that will, inevitably, cause some discontent and disappointment.

and i should be all right with that.

there's just way too much in my head right now to reconcile, so i'm just gonna chuck a lamp-post right...HERE.

i had the most fantastic dinner conversation last evening...with four people i just got to know.

there we were, tucking into burgers and fries in the middle of a crowded burger king, laughing our hearts out.

it felt like we had some sorta odd connection, even if it was just for those two hours.

we weren't laughing and pretending that everything was all right.

rather, we were laughing...knowing that our lives weren't all smooth-sailing...and recognizing its idiosyncracies.

we all lead different lives, but just for that evening, we meshed.

and it just felt so good to be intellectually stimulated.

three of us headed to union for a bit after dinner and, for the first time, dancing with this guy felt different.

there was a certain level of comfort, knowing a little more about him and his beliefs, even though we were totally screwing up the bachata.

last night might've been a chance convergence of five souls.

so i sent the four of them a note to thank them for the wonderful evening.

i'm suddenly drawing a blank.

EL DIA

i believe brain capacity is expandable.

after all, we're supposely only using that teeny portion of it, so our present capacity is definitely enlargeable.

but even with so much more space to think about things, why are people constantly bogged down by "way too many problems"?

why can't we all simply compartmentalize the different aspects of our lives?

i suppose you can only box up so much without losing your grip.

with two kick-ass movie-lines in my head and so many areas of work, scouts and more to concentrate on, i still manage to squeeze in some space to FEEL about EL DIA.

which is just a little more than a month away.

subconsciously, obviously. until i confronted myself as i stared at my reflection this morning.

physically, i'm trying to yank myself outta that rut of feeling this way about EL DIA every year.

i hope this year shall be a little different.

though EL DIA would probably end the same way.

two fantastic movies in a week.

serene, you're so spoiling yourself.

but geez...i haven't even digested la mala educacion yet.

let's give kinsey another week to settle down.

in other news,

someone dropped by the booth today and told me that this one journalist thought i was cute.

but the last time this one journalist saw me, i still had long hair.

hmm.

Pedro Almodovar is brilliant.

Ignacio Rodriguez is beautiful.

Moon River brought tears to my eyes.

Twisted and Disturbing.

Loved it.

*like all good movies and quotes, the messages will only sink in a couple of days later...for me, that is.